All language subtitles for The.Mimic.S02E03.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-PLAN_track3_[eng]

She's all right, isn't she?

She's seen your impressions on
YouTube and she likes them.

You never know who you fall in love
with, Martin.

You always told me to get out of
here.

You escaped, you can't come back at
the first sign of difficulty.

The grass is always greener, innit?

I'm going to miss you. Please take
care of yourself.

I'm not getting back with him,
Martin,

he's not the person I want to be
with.

Right.

Yes?

Hello, it's Martin Hurdle.

The Job Centre sent me,
I'm the new maintenance man.

What's we found?
Oooh, precious!

Here's Johnny!

I am the caretaker, now let's bleed
some more Goddamn radiators,

where's my boy Henry at?

You are the caretaker,

you've always been the caretaker.

That's right Henry, my boy.

Henry, you've so got the shining,
amen.

Hello?

Who's there?

Oh, my God!

You all right, mate? Ouch!

I'm homeless, I sleep in here.

I thought you were a ghost.

I thought you were a load of ghosts.

You quit?

Martin, you're 40 this week
and you ain't got a job.

There were homeless people
living in there.

Anyway, Harriet's got me a meeting
with an agent. A proper agent.

Oh, Martin. How's it going with
Harriet anyway?

Really good, actually.

I can't believe you two are seeing
each other.

What? You set us up.

Yeah, but I didn't think
you'd actually like her.

Did you know that one in ten homeless
people are ex-service men?

Oh, it's quite outdoorsy the
army, though, isn't it?

Bit weird though, innit?

No, makes me feel quite safe to know
our boys are out

there on the street.

You can never find a policeman when
you need one.

Ooh. There is something not right
down there.

Uh, Martin.

Shit! I've got to go to the hospital.

Right, I've got to go, the doctor's
just come in. Yeah, cheers, bye.

Martin! You all right, mate? Yeah.

Oh, what happened to your eye?

Don't worry about that,
what happened to you?

Oh, I fell over, didn't I?

Hurt my ankle, hurt my hip,
hit my jaw,

broke my phone and, well,
psychological effects...

That's awful.

It ain't. I'm injured at work,
ain't I?

Claims people reckon I can get
a big pay-out. Really?

Yeah. You know that dodgy drain
cover by entrance D?

I tripped over that.

I fell over that drain loads of
times.

Oh, no, you should have reported it.

They reckon I can get 50 Gs.

They're well kissing my arse, the
management, they're shitting it.

So, what happened to your eye, then?

I got injured in the workplace,
actually.

Oh, I handed my notice in.

Oh, you've missed the bus again,
Martin.

Ooh and I'm getting a new phone.

I was texting when I fell
and the screen broke.

So what you been up to, then?

Not a lot.

Can you believe I'm 40
in a couple of days?

Oh, yeah, well, I won't be able to
make your surprise party now.

What surprise party?

Whoops.

So when did you last have a proper
job interview, then?

I don't know. Early noughties?

The early noughties?
When specifically?

2001, 2, 3, 4... I don't know.

2004 isn't the early noughties,

it's halfway through
the bloody noughties.

It's the first part of the noughties.

It's not the early noughties,
though.

Look, let's not have an argument
using the word noughties.

Well, things haven't changed
that much since then.

Just make him feel like he's the one
being interviewed.

OK. I feel bad, Steven is meant to be
my agent.

Well, where is he? He's on a beach
in Thailand.

I am not dating a site-maintenance
person.

So get in there and take control of
your life.

Don't touch your willy.

Posture, Martin,
engage the power stance.

Right, well...

Martin, I handle all sorts.
magicians, comedians...

"Ventriloquists."

..crooners, psychics, I've even got
an impressionist on my books,

Nigel Lord.

You've probably heard of him, he's a
local sensation, that's him there.

So, where do you see yourself
in five years' time?

Here. Doing this.

Now, I've looked at your tape,
and I think you're good.

Not great, yet, but very good.

You hold yourself well, you're one
of us, a proper entertainer.

Thanks.

How did you get the black eye?

"Are you a drinker?"

No, er, a homeless man scared me
and I fell over.

"He likes a drink."

I do, but when I get drunk
he starts biting women.

"I can get away with anything."

Who's your agent now?

Well, my son was looking after me.

Look, it's cute when people have
family as their agent

but it very rarely works out.

You should sign with me.

What percentage do you take?

"It's 20%."
Very standard.

Well, er, I like your whole set-up
and I've got nothing to lose,

yeah, I'll sign with you.

Great, ha-ha.

I think you need to be doing
live performance. Right.

Nigel will give you a few pointers,
I'll give him your number.

That'd be great, I've never met
anyone else who does what I do.

You've got a good stance, Martin,

you're poised for success,
I can see that.

I like it. Right, sign this here
and here.

"Ooh, selling your soul."

Stop it, Dean.

You're going to be a big star,
like all these guys.

What happened to your eye?
Lost a fight with a side board.

Cyborg?!

No, side board,
doing that night work.

Oh, right.

Here, I've got something I want
to show you.

Yeah, what?

Put the closed sign up,
I need to show you my man cave.

I hope that's not a euphemism.

No, I want to show you
my little bolt hole.

Yeah, that's not much better

Well, this is it.

It's nice. You could do a lot with
this space.

No, this is it.

A man cave's supposed to have arm
chairs and a big flatscreen.

Ah!

My wife might be getting the house

so I could be spending a lot of time
down here.

Shit.

My own little space. I've got to go
and see a counsellor.

Oh, mate!

What's the matter? I've got
something wrong with my... you know.

Is this what you wanted me
to have a look at?

No, thanks, I'd prefer a doctor.

I am a Google doctor.

And what happens in a man cave
stays in a man cave.

This is a cellar, Neil.

Nah, this is what I wanted you
to look at.

Ooh, very nice. I know someone who
can help us with this.

Right, make yourself comfortable.

I'll be finished
in a couple of hours.

Yeah, he finds Stephen Fry's voice
soothing so I got him a load

of audio books, his autobiography,
him reading all the Harry Potters.

I've got them on there on shuffle.
Helps him get to sleep.

Can you do Fry?

Not really.

Bah, hello, Darling!

Hello.

All right, Dad, it's your son, Neil.
This is Martin.

Nice to meet you, Martin.

You've met him before. You liking
these audio books, Dad?

You like Stephen Fry, don't you?

I like his voice.

He's got a good voice.

He went to a funny school.

Lots of weird things going on there.

That's Harry Potter, Dad, it's
Hogwarts, it's a school for wizards.

Oh, yes. A lot of buggery
going on there.

Yeah, can you have a look at
something for Martin?

You'll need your little
magnifying glass.

Yeah, we don't know if it's a diamond
or just junk.

Hmm. It's dirty.

I found it in a drain.

No, this is a diamond.

No milkiness, no blacking, no
feathering, it's very crudely cut.

Oh, shit, is it?

I mean, by today's standards,
it's terrible.

But that's because
this is Victorian.

Oooh!

In 1876, Queen Victoria was crowned
Empress of India.

British Empire got a lot of diamonds
from India back then.

That's where this is from.
Cut by hand.

Could it have been hers?

What, Queen Victoria's?
Don't be daft.

You want to get that insured.

Ah, it's like Antiques Road Show.

Yeah, apart from the porno mags.

How much is it worth, Denholm?

That?

It's 2014, by the way, so adjust
your price to that.

What year is it?

Just give us a rough price.

Six grand. But it needs to be
set properly, though.

Wow. That's great! Thanks, Denholm.

That's fascinating, all that stuff
about India, Dad.

Shall we go and have breakfast?
I reckon you're buying, Martin.

Do you have breakfast?

I don't know.

Dementia, hey?

Maybe we should get a second opinion?

Yeah, ask him again after breakfast,
see if it tallies up.

I think we need some banners and
balloons.

Yes, and cake.

Cake? I've never seen Martin really
eat cake.

No, he likes cake. We had
a cake the other night.

Oh, OK. Well, we should definitely
get him his favourite drink,

so you get that and I'll get some
cake.

Which favourite drink is it?
Cos he's got a few, hasn't he?

Oh, you don't know? Well, I suppose you
haven't known him that long, have you?

He likes real ale.

Look, Jean, I think you're being
a bit defensive here.

Your body language is giving me
all sorts of messages.

Erm, Harriet, I think you should check your own
body language out before you start judging mine.

Well, I'm not judging your body
language, I'm just reading it.

Seriously? Look at your body
language, it's really... bitchy!

OK. You know Martin better
than me. So what does he like?

He loves... bowling.

So, I'm Annabel.

And I'm a psychoanalyst.

It's a big long word
and it can be a bit scary.

Do you have any preconceptions or
thoughts about this word?

Well, obviously, "anal" is
jumping right out at me,

but that's cos those letters
are bigger than the others

so it's a bit of a leading question.

No, all the letters
are the same size, Neil. Oh.

My dad's doctor recommended
I come here.

And a couple of my customers over
the years have said that

I'm paranoid too, but I thought
they were just trying to get to me.

What sort of things are you concerned
about, Neil?

Same as everyone, really.

Where are all the bees
disappearing to?

What if terrorists win the lottery?

What's to be done about the horrors
of Japanese knotweed?

Polar bears, shrinking genitals,

dirty bombs,

and the big C.

Cancer?

No, the sea. I went on a luxury
cruise, I hated it.

When was the last time you cried?
At the cinema.

What was the film?

I don't know. I cried cos
the fire alarm went off.

Right.

Neil, I'm going to give you an
elastic band to put on your wrist,

and I want you to ping it so it hurts
a little bit every time

you feel stress, and say aloud what
it is that's making you anxious.

This could cut of the blood supply.
I could lose my hand, gangrene.

That's it.

This is a technique that will snap
you back to reality,

and help you see your fears are just
thoughts to be controlled.

It's not too tight, Neil, it's
perfectly safe.

How much is this all costing?

Have you had a shower?

This morning. I've been running
around all day.

Oh, Martin. I've got some body spray
here.

Ta. Doesn't smell girlie, does it?

Don't think so.

Hello?

Hello. Martin, it's Sean Connery.
I want you in my next movie.

Ha! Who is this?

It's Nigel Lord, your new stable
mate. How's it going?

Good, good. Hello, Nigel.

Listen. I think we should
meet up together

and go for a cheeky half, eh?

Yeah. Kingsley said you'd be able
to give me some advice.

Yeah. We're going to get on
like a house on fire.

Cool. I'm just in the middle of
something, Nigel, I'll text you later.

I've got your number now.

Good game, good game.

Goodbye.

I've met this other impressionist.
I'm going for a drink with him.

Well, you'd better get this
sorted out first.

I hope it's not an STD.
Could just be over-use.

Martin, don't.

Where's the pain exactly?

Erm... in my Jap's eye, I don't know
the medical term, sorry.

Your urethra. Have you been having
lots of rough sex?

No, I just banged my eye
on the sideboard.

Well, rough sex can inflame
the urethra.

I think you might have chlamydia.

You need to inform any sexual partners
you've been in contact with.

Ah. It's just the one.
Hang on, how far back?

The last year.

Yeah, it's still just the one.

It's good to get checked up
regularly, Mr Hurdle,

but next time you don't need to go
to such an effort.

OK.

All right?

Yeah. Might be chlamydia.

I'll have to tell Harriet.
I must have caught it off her.

Trouble in paradise.

Jean! Jean!

What?

That body spray was bloody glitter
spray.

My penis looks like a little figure
skater. Oh. Shit.

No wonder the doctor thought I was
weird!

Well, what you complaining about,
Martin?

It's your birthday, you've just got
a new agent, and...

you've had a pejazzle.

Can I have a look?

Where do you want to go for a drink,
Nigel?

Oh, er... I know a little place.

Hang on, I just need to get
some fags.

Ah, Miss Moneypenny. 20 of my usual
cigarettes, please.

It's you again. Yes,
and this is my friend Roger.

Hello, darling.
Aren't you a pretty little thing?

Thanks.

It's great to meet a fellow mimic.

Yes, it must be fantastic for you.

I don't normally show off my voices
in public,

I'm quite shy, really.

Oh, I bet you're not.

Sounds like you're making a decent
living out of it, anyway.

Well, you know - I like nice things.
So who do you do, then?

Attenborough, Wogan, Al Pacino,
Christopher Walken.

Oh. I do Christopher Walken.

Ah. Cool.

Yeah. So you might want to think
about dropping him.

I know er... a little short cut,
over there.

Look, Nigel, I don't want to tread on
anybody's toes,

but I'm not dropping any voices.

Well, I think you should leave the agency,
there's not room for two impressionists.

Nigel, I'm one good friend away from
being homeless,

I was cleaning drains out two days
ago.

I need this!

Well, that's
crazy. I'm the best there is.

With all due
respect, I disagree, Nigel.

There can be only one.

I think we'll get along just fine.

Oooh, Betty, the dog's done a whoopsie
on the carpet.

I don't want to be
negative but you're so old school.

Ehhh, what's up, doc? That's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Have you ever seen Family Guy?

I did not have sex with that woman.

You do know there's a new President?
You need to learn to move with the times.

Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to
say goodbye to Martin. Didn't he do well?

Our planet is the only planet
in the solar system to sustain life.

I'm free.

I've just seen Mrs Slocombe's
pussy in the laundry department.

Now is the winter of
our discontent,

Made glorious summer by this sun
of York.

Oh, Geoffrey, Geoffrey, please read us
a story, Geoffrey.

Oh, yes, I'd love to hear
a story, Geoffrey.

And there's a lovely dollybird that gets on
the number 32 bus. Ha-ha.

Shut your face.

Enough with the fucking bad celebs,

I hate the way you fucking make me
ride you.

I'm the king of the town,
motherfucker.

OK, lets call it a draw. Welcome to
the agency, I suppose.

What's the matter?
I've got chlamydia.

Oh, I've just got over that!

Get used to it, you're going to get
a lot of groupies.

You're quite good.

Why are we here? What is going on?

Just wait and see.

Wow, no way! What a surprise.
Look at the crowd of people.

Why bowling?

Jean said you liked bowling.

Oh, right.

Hello, disco dick.

Ha, very good.

Hello. Hee-hee -
now, where's Martin?

Clown. Balloon.

No, sorry.

I explained this to your colleague
earlier. He's 40, he's not four.

I don't know how that got confused in the
booking. Well, I thought I said it clearly.

Oh, OK. Erm... Does he still
want a balloon?

Yeah. I'll have a balloon.

They've got real ale.

Oh, I don't fancy drinking. Sorry.

Right. Let's bowl.

Weird shoes. Shiny floor. Heavy
balls. Might get my thumb stuck.

Martin, I've got another surprise
for you.

I've got Steven on FaceTime.

Steven? Oh, my God, thank you,
Harriet.

Hello? Happy birthday, Dad!

Hello, son. Thank you, Harriet.

How are you?

Good, good. You?
Yeah, I'm good. Happy birthday.

Seeing anyone?

Yeah, I am seeing someone actually.
Her name's Annabel,

it's going really well.

Your shrink? I thought you meant
you had a girlfriend.

Well - who knows where it might
lead?

We get on. We talk for hours...
well, an hour.

She said I'm fascinating.

Right, everyone - can I have your
attention, please?

Martin's got a surprise of his own
tonight. Haven't you, Martin?

'Ooh, what's that, Dad?' Have I?

Signed with a new agent.

'What was that? I can't see you.

'Why are you showing me the balls?'

Yeah. Erm... 'What have you got,
Dad?' ..I have got myself...

Chlamydia! He's got chlamydia.

'You've got what?'
I've got chlamydia. Yeah.

'What have you got, Dad?
You're breaking up.'

I've got chlamydia... Oh, he's gone.

I need to tell you, Harriet,
doctor's orders.

That's why he's not drinking.
He's on antibiotics.

That's why I couldn't have
the real ale.

Chlamydia?

Well, you didn't get it from me.

I shared a bowling ball with her.

Thanks, Jean. Now everyone's
looking at me

as if I'm guilty of giving it
to him.

That is down to your body language,
Harriet.

Jean was just trying to protect
Steven anyway.

See, I've got to tell him I've got
a new agent tactfully.

Well, I doubt he'd that worried.
He's in Ko Samui.

I've got chlamydia. I must have
caught it from you.

It's not that bad, you just need
antibiotics.

# Happy Birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

Indoor fireworks. Clown - again.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Martin... ♪

He's 40 years old.
He's a middle aged man now.

This is silly.
We're all getting old.

Cheers, everyone. Here's to being 40!

Oh, God. I broke my elastic band!