Original subtitles

'It is I, little old Terry Wogan.'

Bouncing a lady boy on each knee whilst chasing the dragon.

Look, if I am your dad,

I want to make up for all the things we missed out on, you know?

My mum's got cancer, and she's going to die. What?

Are you two going out with each other?

First woman I've really liked for ages.

A researcher from a TV show has got in touch,

they want Martin to go on as a guest.

'Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome for Martin Hurdle.'

No-one find him? 'Who was supposed to be looking after him?'

Everyone come back. He's dropped from the show.

'He can't have just disappeared.'

This is a low point.

Excuse me.

Oh, thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me, do you know where Chastillian Way is?

Er, yes, mate, er, Chastillian Way, yeah, just down there,

straight on, you can't miss it.

Thank you, thank you very much.

All right, mate. Yeah, all right, mate.

Yeah, all right, mate. Yeah, down there on the left, yeah.

All right, mate. All right, mate.

'Ere mate, mate, listen.

Excuse me, mate,

I'm looking for Chastillian Way, it's somewhere down here apparently.

I think this is it.

I'll check my delivery document, it's something like that.

Yes, Chastillian Way. What number are you looking for?

I think I am looking for number...

Er, Job Centre.

Just down there.

So, Martin, what was the job that you had for seven years?

Site maintenance at a pharmaceutical company.

And why did you leave?

Have you seen an internet video called Freaky Voice Man?

No.

Hm. Well, that was me. I do voices, I'm a mimic.

Oh, OK.

Martin had fallen on hard times like years before,

and ended back up in the human dustbin, the Job Centre...

Oh, Martin Freeman! No, Morgan Freeman.

Yeah, Morgan Freeman. Martin is the star of The Hobbit.

Yeah, and Martin's not really a star's name, is it?

Imagine if Morgan Freeman was Bilbo Baggins, though.

What the hell is going on here?

I ain't being a burglar for no dwarves.

Are we singing now? What is this, a fucking Walt Disney movie?

Come on, Gandalf.

I ain't got no time for Dungeons And Dragons bullshit.

That's great.

Um, under "Skills," what do I put?

Litter collection.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry! I'm not...

You talking to your mum, Steven?

No, I was talking to work.

They got hold of you, then?

Gary rung, they were wondering where you'd been.

Yeah, I haven't been going in.

Oh, right.

Oh, this lot.

Blimey. Mm.

They're here every day doing that.

Bit much, innit? Looking down on us, thinking we're not grieving enough.

I bet they are.

I mean, I cry, I just cry quietly.

Dignified. Cry out loud if you want, though, Steven.

Well, if we can't beat them on the crying,

we should go bloody mad with the flowers.

Do you want a lift into work?

Actually, I just quit.

What, to focus on being my agent?

A few of my mates are going travelling.

I might go with them. Oh, right.

It's time to cook.

Yo, this is the bomb, bitch.

This is art.

No, this is basic chemistry.

Y'all be careful, Mr White.

I am not in danger,

I AM the danger.

I am the one who knocks, Skyler.

I did knock.

What you doing, Martin?

Cooking. That's not cooking. Have you sorted a loan out?

I cant even get money out of Payday Loanz,

and they spell loans with a Z.

Are you going to open all this post?

It's all bills.

Martin, you quit a perfectly good job to follow your dream.

Steven's going away so you've lost your agent,

you're late with your rent, you're worse off now than you were before.

What have you been doing while I've been on holiday?

Watching box sets, that's my travelling.

That's sad.

Stay out of my territory.

I live upstairs, I'm your landlady, this is my territory.

Right, come on, let's go and have a look at that car.

Put some trousers on, Martin.

So how was the romantic cruise of a lifetime?

Not very romantic.

Oh, God. Was it stormy?

No, Martin, that was taken on land. Drove to Southampton in that.

Did he sleep in it? Yeah.

When he wasn't up on deck looking out for icebergs.

Do they have icebergs in the Caribbean?

I honestly don't think he knows what "chillaxify" even means.

We're just two very different people.

Do you think you're going to break up?

His wife used to lay his clothes out in the shape of a person for him.

He wanted me to do it.

What sort of a wally does that?

I only did it couple of times when I lived with him.

I'm so excited.

I'm getting a car, Martin!

Wish I could afford a new car.

You know that thing that people say to their mates like, um,

"If we're not married in five years we should just marry each other."

No. Who says that?

Mates like us that don't want to get left on the shelf.

Bloody hell, Jean, that's a bit of a depressing thought.

It's depressing for me as well.

Oh, my God! I love it!

Don't be too keen, you'll blow it.

Martin, don't you do all the talking.

I want him to see that I know me arse from me elbow.

Well, walk around the car and check it, then.

Well, what are we looking for?

Making sure it's not two halves of different cars stuck together.

What, in exactly the same colour pink?

Don't be silly, Martin.

Kick the tyres, not the car.

It's got quite high mileage. It's hilly round here, in't it?

A lot of those miles will have been downhill.

All right, well, ask him some questions.

Erm, how much petrol's it got in it?

I dunno, half a tank.

Ooh, that's good. Does it take an iPod? Yep.

Ooh, I'll have to get an iPod then. I'll have to get an iPod.

Can I start it up?

Yeah, keys are in it.

Sounds all right.

Yep, it's never given my wife any trouble.

Any problems, bring it back.

Right, well, Jean?

I just have one more question.

Can it take those eyelashes that go on the headlights?

Yeah, I think they just stick on.

That's it, then. I'll take her!

Aww. Does she have a name?

Er, no.

Well, I'll call her...

...Pinkerbell.

Ah, the sailor returns.

You all right, mate? Yeah.

Where's your chair? I got rid of it.

Sitting down's the new silent killer, Mart.

Chairs are slowly killing us all.

Are they? Yeah. Seated is only one letter different from sedated.

Does that prove anything?

I mean, Martin is only one letter different from Martian,

but... Oh, yeah, it is.

What's going on with you and Jean, then?

It's going brilliant, mate, creates a real bond

when you've been through something like that together.

What, a luxury cruise? Well, it's basically a floating prison.

Jean said there were four restaurants on it or something.

There were six different restaurants on board,

but could I get a Ginsters or a Nesquik? No.

Oh, right. You did some amazing stuff though, didn't you?

She said you swam with dolphins.

Yeah, they made us do that once we finally got some shore leave.

Oh, I always wondered, what do they feel like, dolphins?

They felt like...

..cheap plastic.

Oh, really? So you wouldn't go on a cruise again?

Well, when I was up the very front bit of the ship...

On the prow? No, just stood still.

You look at the curve of the earth and you can see where

the endless blue sea meets the endless blue sky,

and you think about God.

And you think,

"Didn't he have any other colours?"

That cruel sea made me take a long, hard look at my life.

Yeah? Yeah. It's bollocks, this lot. Selling papers, dying medium, innit?

People get their news on the internet now.

I must admit I do. So what you going to do, then?

I'm going to get another job. Actually, can you check my CV?

38 and a half? Yep.

Well, you didn't need to say the half. You just say 38.

Oh, I like it.

Little white lie.

I'm 38, then.

"Interests. Going out.

"Eating at restaurants.

"Coming home again." I love doing that.

What job are you thinking of doing, then? Well, actually, I've heard

you're looking for a new agent.

A new agent, not a newsagent.

Yeah, its only one letter different.

This letter thing,

it's not a scientific system, Neil.

What's this?

Some crap.

Why are you watching it, then? Cos it's in 3D.

So is outside.

You all right, Steven?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Erm, listen, when were you thinking of, er, going travelling?

It's just, well, I'm skint, really,

and I wondered if you'd help me get some voice work.

I got you on a TV show and you didn't do it.

You ran away and hid in a toilet.

I mean, I know why you didn't want to do it,

but that would have led to more work.

OK.

I should be going pretty soon.

You sure you're all right, Steven, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, all good.

It's an email.

From Mum. Huh?

It's spam!

Spam message from her email address. So weird.

Getting an email like that...

I'd been asking her for a message.

Didn't think it would be about penis enlargement.

I think getting away's going to be really good for you.

Right, you'll do ten till six with an hour lunch break,

but it's a working lunch.

I've got you a sound system so you won't have to shout.

What's your percentage again?

10%, which I think is very reasonable.

Busking?

Street performance.

What if people see me?

That's the point - we're building your profile.

That bloody violin's giving this a pathos it don't need.

Just be loud then, drown it out. You'll be great.

What if no-one claps?

Don't worry about that.

It's worse if they do a slow hand clap. That'd be horrible.

Shit!

If they do a slow clap, you need to clap in the gaps,

turn it into normal clapping.

Actually, I'm gonna give you a bit of space to grow as a performer.

As soon as we pay for the hat, we're in profit.

How much was the hat?

20 quid.

Who pays that for a hat that goes on the ground?

I'm asking for change. I'm asking for change right now.

Please give me change or I will kill you with drones.

Keep it light, mate.

Has anyone seen Game Of Thrones?

Hello, my name's Sean Bean. Now this, my lord,

I have to be in all these fancy things by law.

I even bring my own sword now.

I'm Tyrian Lennister, the Imp from Games of Thrones.

He's called the imp in the show - I'm not being non-PC.

Anyway, has anyone ever noticed, perchance,

I talk a bit like Victor Meldrew?

People say it, but I don't believe it.

Oh, dear.

I used to get paid holidays, sick pay, my own parking space.

I used to have a god-damn Gore Tex jacket.

I used to be somebody, I was connected.

Excuse me, mate, where do we go to the toilet, us street performers?

Just McDonalds or is there a pub round here that we use?

You can point with your eyes.

I don't move at all. That's my whole thing - read the sign!

You must go to the toilet.

No, I am in complete control of my body.

Oi! You've nicked my patch.

Well, you buggered off, so...

You're doing all right, aren't you?

Look, you've gotta keep moving if you want to make money.

He don't.

Try over there. Get the Argos people.

Hey, what a great high street you got going on here.

You got a nice Greggs and a goddamn Claire's Accessories.

I gotta say, here's Johnny!

Hello, there. Turn the microphone off, please.

What's the problem?

You've been reported for aggressive begging.

Oh, no, you see, earlier, I was being Al Pacino.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.

Now, have you got a busking license?

What? Bloody hell. Where's Neil?

Come on, Martin, let's go.

Right, who are you, sir?

He's my new agent.

News agent. Big difference.

Come, Martin.

Can everyone stand back, please?

Well, I got over my fear of performance.

There you go.

How much did we make?

Oh, shit, the hat!

I'm not being a killjoy. I just think you should have sorted out

Pinkerbell's car insurance before you set up her Instagram.

Hm.

Can I try that coat on, please?

Yeah.

It's like Hagrid's!

How's Steven?

His doctor says he's depressed. I don't exactly know what that means.

I think it's like, you know when you lay there at night away and think

how everyone's gonna die and even you are as well and how pointless

and scary everything is, and then when you wake up in the morning

you've forgotten about all that, and you're just thinking about what

cereal to have and rushing to get to work and having your hair cut?

Yeah.

Well, I think depression is when that night-time feeling is still

there in the morning and all day.

Right. He definitely needs to go travelling, then.

Yeah.

Cheer up, old Jean, Hagrid here to see you right at Hogwarts.

Ah! Don't rip it.

No, Jean, no, don't be alarmed.

Oh, I love him. Do Dumbledore!

Which one?

Richard Harris did it in the breathy way, but the real Richard Harris

was Irish, he wasn't very well by the time he took Dumbledore.

And then Michael Gambon took over and played it like this.

Harry.

Oh, that's the door bell. Endless joy.

Oh, be a fella in a suit, Harry.

Martin Hurdle? Yes.

Hello. I'm from HMRC - I need to ask you a few questions.

Where are you from?

Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.

I need to talk to you about some undeclared earnings -

the voice work you've been doing cash in hand and not declaring.

Have you received our letters?

Um, well, um...

We have an outstanding bill here for you to pay, plus fines.

God. How much?

I can't pay that.

I'm skint.

Well, do you have any assets?

Can I come in?

Not crying so loudly today, are they?

Nope, we won the grieving.

So many flowers. Yeah. Mum would find this funny.

Yeah, she would have.

She totally will.

You keep using the present tense, Steven.

Am I? Yeah.

I'm really sorry about the tax.

Oh, it's not your fault. We both should have thought about it.

I feel like I'm losing you. I've only just found you.

I just... need a change of scenery.

I will come back, I promise.

Mum would have wanted me to travel.

Yeah, she would have.

Do you want a lift anywhere?

Nah, I'll just stay here for a bit.

Thanks so much for that, mate. You can stop now.

Well, let me get to the end of the piece, yeah? Yeah.

It's hard, isn't it?

Yeah. It's beautiful, though. What's it called?

Oh, no, I was talking about your life, actually.

Yeah, you're right.

I've got no money, no job, no woman,

no car, and my son's going away.

You've still got your dignity, though, haven't you?

Yeah, you're right.

And your voices, you've always got your voices.

Huh? I was just saying you've always got your voices.

Yes, I may be an imp, but I'll always have my voices.

Victor Meldrew!

Yeah. Bye!