Original subtitles

Say hello to my little friend.

Don't get me involved. Ha.

You've gone fucking viral, mate. You're all over the internet.

A researcher from a TV show has got in touch.

They want Martin to go on as a guest.

My mum's got cancer, and she's gonna die.

Mimicry often exists in nature as a survival mechanism.

Some harmless snakes have evolved to look like poisonous ones.

The lyre bird mimics the call of other birds to impress the females.

And then I'll, like, wink at the audience, you know,

and impress the females.

That's really boring, Martin. I'm a female, I'm not impressed.

It's Brian Cox, he's a scientist.

I'm doing mimicry about mimicry. It's intelligent, Jean.

I'm pretty sure they don't want intelligent stuff, Martin,

they've booked an impressionist. And you've made him a bit too camp.

God, I look old.

Well, you're not 16 anymore, are you? Then again, who is?

Well, all 16-year-olds.

But they're not 16 for long these days, are they?

Your hair is a bit grey, isn't it?

No. Light black.

Let me see your teeth. Oh, yeah, they're a bit grey too.

I think you need a bit of an overhaul.

Yeah?

Yeah. Bit of a tan and a teeth whiten and that.

It'd be a good project for me, that.

Be like one of those makeover shows where they do up an old ruin.

Oh, time.

OK, so this TV interview will be ten minutes or so,

which will get cut down to about five when it's on the TV,

and they were asking for a list of the voices you can do.

Yeah, I've written that up.

Have you had a thought about what your script's gonna be?

Yeah, I had a few ideas, but Jean poo-pooed them all.

It was so boring. Made him seem even older than he looks.

Well, it might be good to get a few bits worked out,

and maybe you could do something on the news that day, or...

Are you all right, Dad?

What if I'm not very good on telly?

You will be.

Here we go. This is my mate's place.

Even if you die on your arse, you're gonna look amazing, Martin.

You'll feel better once you look the part.

Good luck.

Bloody hell.

This is your fault, Jean.

It's fine. Everything just needs toning down a few notches.

It actually looks racist, but I'm not exactly sure who to.

I needed a confidence boost and this has backfired badly.

It's not that bad.

This makeover is politically incorrect.

I've got to go for dinner with Dionne later,

it's gonna be a really heavy chat

and I've got to turn up looking like a member of the Dolmio family!

Ever since you got this telly thing, Martin,

you've gone right up your own arse. You've become vain.

Can we get the bill, please?

I don't... Yeah, hang on.

Can we get the bill for these guys?

Yeah, he's just getting it.

Cheers. Can we get a cab?

I don't work here. I've got to go over there.

Come here.

Give us a hug.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to be a burden on you.

And then it never really felt like the right time.

Is this why you got in touch about Steven?

Well, it was partly I knew he wanted to meet you,

but, yeah, my condition did help make my mind up.

How long have you got?

It keeps changing.

Bloody hell, Dionne.

Are you all right?

Not really.

But yeah.

Look, I know this is like a really big moment and stuff,

but I've got to ask,

what the fuck do you look like?

Jean's mate, a so-called beautician, graffitied me like this.

What the hell did they use, creosote? Look at your hair!

I know.

How do you feel about it all?

You angry?

I was, but not now.

There's no point.

I have my bad days.

Are you going to do anything mad like parachute jump

or get fired out of a cannon?

I don't think so. I'd like to die in Barbados, though.

On a beach, with a cocktail.

We should go back to the beach in Bournemouth. Do you remember?

Of course I remember. That was where Steven was conceived, Martin.

What, on the beach?

No, in Bournemouth.

Well, let's do it.

Yeah.

It'd be nice. When your new look's faded a bit, yeah?

Martin.

Who photoshopped you?

It's for the telly, innit?

Look, Martin, if you don't wanna go on telly, don't do it.

Just fuck off somewhere.

I can't let Steven down,

but I've lied to a lot of people, pretended to be things I'm not.

If I go on telly, I'll be exposed.

You don't look that bad really.

Come on, it's your last day. Let's go and nick you some stationery.

You'll never get caught for it, anyway -

they'll be looking for a Greek fella.

Oh, God.

Hello?

Steven, there's an emergency. It's Martin.

What have you done? Not botox, please.

He's lost his voice!

Oh, shit.

All right, Martin.

Hello, mate.

Dad. Could this be psychosomatic? You know, cos of your nerves?

Are you putting this on, Martin?

No.

Doctor couldn't find anything wrong, he just told him to rest it.

The show's tomorrow, don't know what to do.

I know someone, he treats my dad, he'll know what to do,

he's a... you-know doctor.

How do you spell psychosomatic?

What are you limping for? You've got a sore throat.

I'm not limping.

I know. That's why I don't come often. Which is also depressing.

And he can't remember when I do come, so that's depressing.

Basically, whatever happens, it's depressing.

What's that?

Digital picture frame. I got it for him.

Who are they?

Fuck knows. They came with the frame.

I wanted to put a load of family pictures on there

to help his memory, but I never got round to it.

No wonder he's bloody confused.

He won't let me take it away now cos he likes it.

Look, Denholm, visitors.

All right?

Yeah, you all right?

Am I all right?

Yes, you're doing great.

Do you remember who I am?

No.

See, I'm not doing all right.

Denholm. This is your...

Son.

It's your son.

All right.

Well, thanks for coming. You been on holiday?

Not him, me.

It's so nice to have visitors.

We always say what a beautiful looking family Denholm has.

Yeah. Is Doctor Sandhu here? I need to talk to him.

Yep.

I'll just, erm, wait.

What's wrong with your voice?

I've lost it.

Have you seen my new nurse?

She seems nice.

Hm!

What, have you had sex with her?

I doubt it.

Martin?

Yes, Doctor.

Hi, I'm Dr Sandhu.

Shall we have a little chat?

Yeah.

So Neil tells me you're nervous about going on TV?

And why is that?

Because, I suppose, success scares me a bit.

I'm happy having things not go my way.

Hm, right.

And I've been living a lie by pretending to be different people.

Yeah, Neil told me about the Irish man.

I never hurt anyone. I just sometimes wanted not to be me.

But also, my son is my manager, and he wants me to do it, so...

Whatever you choose, your son will still love you.

I'm going to give you a tablet.

It will help you relax and I think your voice will come back,

and then you can make a decision about what you want to do.

Now just swallow, don't chew.

Now, I must get back to my patients.

Take a walk in the grounds, Martin. It's beautiful out there.

Thank you, Doctor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Hurdle.

Hello, hello.

Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Hurdle.

On tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a liar.

Sometimes a man has to make a decision.

He stands at the crossroads of his life.

Oh, shut up.

What about all those people I've lied to?

Hopefully, they'll think you're eccentric or mentally unstable.

You should do it for your son, you could better both your lives.

He can't help his son and he can't save the mother, can he?

I still think she's a bitch for not telling him

she had a son for many years.

Shut up.

Hey, hey, maybe you're not meant to go on TV

cos you're a thicko.

You failed everything at school.

Maybe you'll always be site maintenance inside.

You've got no star quality. You've got no star quality.

Stop it.

Gosh, man, stay cool, stay off the radar.

Five minutes on a TV show, it will be forgotten in a week.

What are we, nuts, standing in the woods

debating whether to go on a crappy TV show or not?

Look, just go on telly, do the show,

make a load of money,

buy a house and climb out of the shit pile and don't look back.

I come out here to do my pisses.

Oh.

Will they be looking for you?

Do you want me to take you back?

No, I'm not a patient, love, I'm a mimic.

I told him I was a newsagent for the millionth time,

and he asked me to bring him some porno mags.

I suppose they can't hurt him.

A lot of them go randy towards the end, apparently.

Yeah.

You all right? Your voice seems better.

Yeah. I dunno what that doctor gave me, bloody strong.

Oh, I know, he helped me with my anxiety before,

gave me these tablets, they're amazing.

I took one and we talked through all my fears,

and afterwards I felt like a new man.

That's how I feel. I wonder what they are.

I dunno. I bit into one once. It tasted chocolately.

Have you got any more contemporary voices?

- A lot of these are really old. - Um...

Why do impressionists always do the same voices?

Terry Wogan, Ronnie Corbett.

Well, they're classic voices.

- Can you do Tinchy Stryder? - Who?

He's on the show, be great if you could nail him.

I can get you a tape.

Takes a while to learn voices.

- OK, how long? We've got two hours. - A few days at best.

Look, this could make you properly famous, OK, so you need to

step up a bit, you are potentially our internet star of the week.

Yeah, about that, what's the thing with the dog again?

I kind of missed it.

OK, it's gonna be you versus the dog.

You'll both do your bit, and then the audience will vote.

So you'll be on the seesaw with the dog on the other end.

Louis, have we worked out how to keep the dog on the seesaw yet?

We can't tie it down because it's not allowed.

It's cruel.

Yeah, but you'll be tied down there because of health and safety.

If they all vote for the dog, it could be quite a sharp drop for you.

What does the dog do again?

It's learnt how to open a fridge. It went viral like you.

Didn't you see it?

No.

Oh, hi.

Erm, do you want me to be on the stage,

because I think I should be really.

No, because of timings.

We're just going to focus on the dog, really.

Larry wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me, so...

OK. I'll let you know if anything changes.

Hello, Mart, you big TV star, look at you.

Hi. Thanks for coming. Did you know I'm up against a dog?

Yeah. I'm a bit pissed off about that.

I'm going on a seesaw.

It's ridiculous. I'm sorry.

Have you seen that dog? I told you animals are getting braver.

Urban foxes are taking the piss,

pigeons don't even get out of our way any more.

Arrogance.

Shut up, Neil.

What, are you two going out with each other?

First woman I've really liked for ages

who I haven't met on the internet.

Well, we're seeing how things go.

That's good. I suppose.

Right, we should probably all go back,

they're getting the audience in now, so...

OK.

Break a leg, Martin. A dog's leg.

Don't.

From tiny acorns, mighty oaks do grow.

- That's what I tell all the girls. - Martin!

I mean, don't forget about me when you grow into a big arrogant tree.

I won't. And I won't.

I love you, Martin.

I love you too, Jean.

Your mum and dad are in the green room.

Oh, God.

God, you look nervous!

Thanks.

Bloody hell! Did they do that to you?

No, Jean did it.

The make-up lady's gonna try and fix it.

That dog's amazing, isn't it?

Bloody clever.

Only opens a fridge.

It's like a little person.

You know you have to vote for me, don't you?

Yes! Don't worry!

Here, what can we say to Dionne? Does she know that we know?

Maybe just don't say anything.

- But we've got her a present. - Sh! We have!

Bloody hell, what is it?

A plant.

Don't give her that!

Why?

Because it will outlive her and that will depress her.

Not everyone thinks like you do, Martin.

I thought it was nice.

It is nice, sorry, but terminal illness is a minefield for presents.

He got her a bloody get-well-soon card!

Well, that's all they do!

Here he is!

Hello, little fella!

Oh, get a picture of me with him!

You must be so proud.

You shouldn't really be up here until it's your bit.

OK.

Oh, I like how they put your name and Larry's name on the door,

no mention of me.

Yeah.

Right. Well, Larry, I need the loo. I'm sorry but I also have needs.

Today isn't all about you.

This is bollocks, isn't it, Larry?

Oh, I am loving that! OK, ladies and gentlemen, wasn't that amazing,

let's have a big hand for Larry the dog.

And a smaller hand for Larry's fridge.

So next up, the man against the dog, it's Martin Hurdle.

Now you probably know him best as freaky voice guy,

the man of a million voices and one major meltdown.

So without further ado, let's let him do his thing

and get him on that seesaw.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome for Martin Hurdle.