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1
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:09,900
Martin, this is mental.
How do you do it?
2
00:00:10,294 --> 00:00:11,614
I don't know,
3
00:00:11,642 --> 00:00:14,602
I can just hear things in
the way people talk.
4
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,599
You could make money
out of this, Martin.
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,281
I'll manage you,
we can do it together.
6
00:00:18,282 --> 00:00:20,341
I could have been a good dad.
7
00:00:20,357 --> 00:00:22,197
But you always said
you wanted to travel.
8
00:00:22,198 --> 00:00:25,036
You had such grand
plans for your life.
9
00:00:25,037 --> 00:00:29,037
Did I?
10
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,589
Oh, God.
11
00:00:41,997 --> 00:00:44,356
Hello. Martin Hurdle.
12
00:00:44,357 --> 00:00:48,357
My laptop got drowned in a flood,
you were doing data recovery.
13
00:00:49,477 --> 00:00:53,477
You were... making jokes about
surfing the web and I fell in.
14
00:00:53,717 --> 00:00:55,996
You were all laughing, remember?
15
00:00:55,997 --> 00:00:59,997
Yeah, I know who you are.
16
00:01:05,677 --> 00:01:08,956
Martin Edward Hurdle.
17
00:01:08,957 --> 00:01:12,837
Well, the good news is we recovered
all the data from your hard drive.
18
00:01:12,838 --> 00:01:14,156
Oh, that is great.
19
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,835
There is some bad news, though.
20
00:01:15,836 --> 00:01:19,837
You see, we have to tell the police
about certain kinds of data.
21
00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:22,796
What?
22
00:01:22,797 --> 00:01:25,356
Recognise this disgusting image?
23
00:01:25,357 --> 00:01:26,755
Oh, look that's just me.
24
00:01:26,756 --> 00:01:28,235
Well, it may be just you, sir,
25
00:01:28,236 --> 00:01:30,235
but to normal people,
it's disgusting.
26
00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:31,195
I've got this, Gary.
27
00:01:31,196 --> 00:01:35,197
No, I mean that baby is me -
it's not dodgy, that's a photo of me.
28
00:01:35,797 --> 00:01:37,037
It doesn't look like you.
29
00:01:37,038 --> 00:01:39,396
Well, I was a baby.
30
00:01:39,397 --> 00:01:41,835
Look, my mum emailed me
a load of photos,
31
00:01:41,836 --> 00:01:45,157
so I could show my son his family,
and that is a picture of me.
32
00:01:45,158 --> 00:01:46,796
He's got kids.
33
00:01:46,797 --> 00:01:50,676
Then why is the baby
in such a sexual pose?
34
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,475
I'm not. I'm crawling
away from the camera, looking back.
35
00:01:53,476 --> 00:01:55,875
There's a certain
playfulness, I'll admit,
36
00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:59,875
but look, you're embarrassing me
in front of the whole shop.
37
00:01:59,876 --> 00:02:02,035
Well, that's the least
of your problems.
38
00:02:02,036 --> 00:02:04,355
Child porn or terrorism,
we report it.
39
00:02:04,356 --> 00:02:08,235
Well, that child grew up to be me,
an innocent man being humiliated
40
00:02:08,236 --> 00:02:12,237
in a shop, so in a way, you're
hurting that child, cos that's me.
41
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:15,916
Well...
42
00:02:15,917 --> 00:02:19,917
why don't you tell that
to the police? Cos they're here.
43
00:02:22,437 --> 00:02:26,437
Oh, fuck. The police?
44
00:02:27,637 --> 00:02:31,637
OK, sir, but I distinctly heard
you say, "Fuck the police."
45
00:02:32,877 --> 00:02:36,555
No, I said "fuck" in alarm,
and then "the police", as a question.
46
00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:39,715
Like, "Fuck. The police?"
Like, "Really? The police?"
47
00:02:39,716 --> 00:02:42,795
Can you cover his bum up? It's
making me feel uncomfortable.
48
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,517
What is that smell of damp?
49
00:02:44,518 --> 00:02:48,517
That's me.
50
00:03:00,317 --> 00:03:03,277
It's amazing, in't it,
how water can give life,
51
00:03:03,278 --> 00:03:06,836
but it's also
really destructive, eh?
52
00:03:06,837 --> 00:03:08,995
Yeah, if you go out
and leave the taps on.
53
00:03:08,996 --> 00:03:11,037
I nearly got arrested
because of you.
54
00:03:11,038 --> 00:03:13,676
I can't live down here, it stinks.
55
00:03:13,677 --> 00:03:15,517
Well, you can move
upstairs temporarily.
56
00:03:15,518 --> 00:03:18,956
Where are you gonna go?
Jesse's penthouse?
57
00:03:18,957 --> 00:03:22,557
Jesse's not got a penthouse -
apparently, he lives with his nan.
58
00:03:22,558 --> 00:03:23,436
Oh, right.
59
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:26,835
And he's not a barrister.
It's pronounced barista.
60
00:03:26,836 --> 00:03:28,157
Works in a coffee shop.
61
00:03:28,158 --> 00:03:30,076
Where am I gonna sleep?
62
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:34,077
In my bed. Top and toe.
63
00:03:34,437 --> 00:03:36,196
I think that's worse.
64
00:03:36,197 --> 00:03:38,396
Yeah. We'll work something out.
65
00:03:38,397 --> 00:03:41,316
I can't help feel a little
responsible.
66
00:03:41,317 --> 00:03:43,795
Well, you are! Who else
is to blame - gravity?
67
00:03:43,796 --> 00:03:44,397
Ha, ha, yeah.
68
00:03:44,398 --> 00:03:47,436
I love Jean's grand design,
69
00:03:47,437 --> 00:03:49,075
what she's done with the place.
70
00:03:49,076 --> 00:03:52,715
The whole underwater theme
is truly original and fresh.
71
00:03:52,716 --> 00:03:55,117
But I can't help being
concerned that the damp
72
00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:59,117
might give Martin deadly pneumonia.
73
00:03:59,397 --> 00:04:02,756
People. A lot of laughing.
74
00:04:02,757 --> 00:04:04,036
Yeah.
75
00:04:04,037 --> 00:04:07,476
Jesus, man, it stinks in here.
76
00:04:07,477 --> 00:04:09,996
Ah, you play, Mart?
77
00:04:09,997 --> 00:04:10,995
Uh, a little bit.
78
00:04:10,996 --> 00:04:12,757
Yeah, I play a little bit too.
79
00:04:12,758 --> 00:04:16,477
I used to be in a band called
Mind Wide Open.
80
00:04:18,517 --> 00:04:19,956
Yeah, got wet.
81
00:04:19,957 --> 00:04:22,756
It's not meant to sound like that.
82
00:04:22,757 --> 00:04:26,757
Anyway, hurry up, Jean. We're going
out, remember? Laters, Marty-pants.
83
00:04:31,757 --> 00:04:33,436
Funny, isn't it?
84
00:04:33,437 --> 00:04:35,117
I leave the bath
running for six hours,
85
00:04:35,118 --> 00:04:39,117
and everything just goes tits up.
86
00:04:39,277 --> 00:04:43,277
Six hours?!
87
00:04:45,677 --> 00:04:49,076
You all right, mate? You look awful.
88
00:04:49,077 --> 00:04:52,836
Yeah, I've had a nightmare.
My flat got flooded.
89
00:04:52,837 --> 00:04:54,116
What with?
90
00:04:54,117 --> 00:04:55,716
Water.
91
00:04:55,717 --> 00:04:57,236
Global warming?
92
00:04:57,237 --> 00:05:00,155
Nah, bath water. From bloody
Jean leaving the bath running.
93
00:05:00,156 --> 00:05:04,157
Have you considered that she was
flushing you out, subconsciously?
94
00:05:05,277 --> 00:05:07,397
Like pouring boiling
water into an ants' nest.
95
00:05:07,398 --> 00:05:08,316
No.
96
00:05:08,317 --> 00:05:12,115
She's got a fella now, ain't she?
Could be a Freudian flood.
97
00:05:12,116 --> 00:05:14,795
The human brain operates
on a number of levels, Martin.
98
00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:18,797
I don't think so. She feels
terrible. All my stuff is ruined.
99
00:05:18,917 --> 00:05:22,917
You can't live in damp - you'll
get mould spores in your lungs
100
00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:26,676
and you will die.
You should move in with me.
101
00:05:26,677 --> 00:05:29,556
No way.
No, I don't want to put you out.
102
00:05:29,557 --> 00:05:30,755
I could do with the company.
103
00:05:30,756 --> 00:05:32,435
My wife and boy moved
out last month,
104
00:05:32,436 --> 00:05:35,997
and it'd be like living with loads
of friends with all your voices.
105
00:05:35,998 --> 00:05:39,076
You'll move in tomorrow.
106
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:41,315
I've got an internet date lined up.
107
00:05:41,316 --> 00:05:43,637
I'll ask her to bring a friend,
and we could double-team them.
108
00:05:43,638 --> 00:05:45,116
Double-date them.
109
00:05:45,117 --> 00:05:46,396
Yeah.
110
00:05:46,397 --> 00:05:50,397
Be safer in a pair anyway.
111
00:05:53,397 --> 00:05:57,116
I say we go straight to the lions.
112
00:05:57,117 --> 00:05:59,756
Imagine if all the animals escaped,
113
00:05:59,757 --> 00:06:01,156
it'd be carnage.
114
00:06:01,157 --> 00:06:04,836
Martin. I really like
these days out we have.
115
00:06:04,837 --> 00:06:07,756
Our dates.
116
00:06:07,757 --> 00:06:11,757
Yeah, our days out. They're great,
117
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:16,197
but can we maybe do
something a bit more grown-up?
118
00:06:16,317 --> 00:06:18,356
What do you mean?
119
00:06:18,357 --> 00:06:22,357
Well, I know were making up
for lost time, but I'm nearly 19...
120
00:06:23,117 --> 00:06:25,116
Adults go ice-skating.
121
00:06:25,117 --> 00:06:29,076
Not in the day-time, that was weird.
122
00:06:29,077 --> 00:06:32,916
OK, what would you like to do?
123
00:06:32,917 --> 00:06:34,356
Play golf?
124
00:06:34,357 --> 00:06:35,836
OK, we can play golf.
125
00:06:35,837 --> 00:06:38,116
Not crazy golf.
126
00:06:38,117 --> 00:06:39,756
Do you want a lolly?
127
00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:41,396
No, thank you.
128
00:06:41,397 --> 00:06:45,397
I'm still pretty full up
from all the sweets you bought me.
129
00:06:47,237 --> 00:06:50,317
You all right? You nervous about
meeting my parents?
130
00:06:50,318 --> 00:06:52,516
No, I'm looking forward it.
131
00:06:52,517 --> 00:06:55,676
I'm a bit nervous
about this voice-over work.
132
00:06:55,677 --> 00:06:59,677
Oh, no, it's cool. It's cool.
It's a friend of mine.
133
00:06:59,757 --> 00:07:03,757
And it's just voice-mail messages.
250 quid for a couple of hours' work.
134
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,795
It's good money, isn't it?
Cheers, Steven.
135
00:07:06,796 --> 00:07:09,555
There's plenty more
where that came from, Martin.
136
00:07:09,556 --> 00:07:10,797
There's money to be made.
137
00:07:14,317 --> 00:07:17,076
Mum?
138
00:07:17,077 --> 00:07:19,756
OK, no, no, just stay there.
139
00:07:19,757 --> 00:07:22,475
No, no, of course not, I'll come.
Love you.
140
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,237
Bye. I've got to go, Martin.
141
00:07:24,238 --> 00:07:26,516
Is everything all right?
142
00:07:26,517 --> 00:07:30,236
Yeah, it's just my mum.
143
00:07:30,237 --> 00:07:34,237
Really sorry.
144
00:08:13,997 --> 00:08:15,875
Are you going around the zoo?
145
00:08:15,876 --> 00:08:19,117
No, I'm actually blind,
I can't see anything, so...
146
00:08:19,118 --> 00:08:20,476
Oh, sorry.
147
00:08:20,477 --> 00:08:24,356
I often come and sit here.
I think it's funny to listen
148
00:08:24,357 --> 00:08:28,355
to the birds and suddenly you hear
an elephant in the distance.
149
00:08:28,356 --> 00:08:30,837
Oh, yeah, that is funny, isn't it?
What's your name?
150
00:08:30,838 --> 00:08:32,476
I'm Martin.
151
00:08:32,477 --> 00:08:36,477
Della. Hi.
152
00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:40,475
Listen, Della, we've got a
very special visitor at the zoo
153
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,917
today, I think he'd like to give
you a personal tour.
154
00:08:43,918 --> 00:08:45,316
Oh...
155
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,356
The pigmy hippo,
156
00:08:47,357 --> 00:08:49,796
its Latin name is...
157
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:51,836
unpronounceable.
158
00:08:51,837 --> 00:08:54,835
Its skin is hairless
and sensitive to the sun
159
00:08:54,836 --> 00:08:57,075
but is kept supple and moisturised
160
00:08:57,076 --> 00:09:00,357
by fluid that oozes from
glands all over it body.
161
00:09:00,358 --> 00:09:04,357
Can you describe
what they look like?
162
00:09:05,277 --> 00:09:07,756
Pigs.
163
00:09:07,757 --> 00:09:09,956
I've never seen a pig.
164
00:09:09,957 --> 00:09:13,676
OK.
165
00:09:13,677 --> 00:09:16,556
OK. You have a neck, don't you?
166
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,436
Well, imagine you had four legs
167
00:09:19,437 --> 00:09:22,397
and your neck
was 20 times as long as it is.
168
00:09:22,398 --> 00:09:24,836
And you were patterned,
169
00:09:24,837 --> 00:09:27,437
and well, look, you've touched
a horse, haven't you? Mmm.
170
00:09:27,438 --> 00:09:31,156
Well, imagine a horse
with an insanely long neck.
171
00:09:31,157 --> 00:09:33,635
I didn't realise all animals
were so similar to horses.
172
00:09:33,636 --> 00:09:35,837
Well, if that's your only
point of reference,
173
00:09:35,838 --> 00:09:38,316
it's going to keep coming up.
174
00:09:38,317 --> 00:09:41,556
The giant tortoise, erm...
175
00:09:41,557 --> 00:09:45,557
it's like a fat coffee table, with
a very old man tucked inside it.
176
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:53,796
Come on...
177
00:09:53,797 --> 00:09:57,797
He was giving me a tour
and then he got a call saying
178
00:09:58,877 --> 00:10:02,397
they'd found a dodo alive
in Madagascar. He buggered off.
179
00:10:02,398 --> 00:10:03,796
OK.
180
00:10:03,797 --> 00:10:07,797
He was very nice,
but he smelt of damp.
181
00:10:09,997 --> 00:10:11,236
Ah.
182
00:10:11,237 --> 00:10:12,596
Hello.
183
00:10:12,597 --> 00:10:16,597
Come on, get in.
184
00:10:29,117 --> 00:10:31,276
Blimey.
185
00:10:31,277 --> 00:10:32,876
Happier times.
186
00:10:32,877 --> 00:10:35,596
Should we, erm, take that down?
187
00:10:35,597 --> 00:10:39,397
Nah. I decorate around it -
they'll be a gap if we take it down,
188
00:10:39,398 --> 00:10:40,876
it'll look weird.
189
00:10:40,877 --> 00:10:43,075
Might be more weird
to have it up, really.
190
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:47,077
If I take it down, feels like an
ending. Dunno if I'm ready, Mart.
191
00:10:48,437 --> 00:10:51,915
It's fine. Are you sure you
want me to be in this room?
192
00:10:51,916 --> 00:10:55,917
Yeah, can't put you in my son's
room - I have him every other weekend.
193
00:10:56,277 --> 00:10:59,235
I'm all right in there. I designed
it, it was my dream bedroom
194
00:10:59,236 --> 00:11:01,197
from when I was a kid, so in a way,
195
00:11:01,198 --> 00:11:05,197
I've finally got my dream
bedroom, haven't I?
196
00:11:07,757 --> 00:11:11,757
Come on.
197
00:11:17,317 --> 00:11:18,595
Are you gonna fit in that?
198
00:11:18,596 --> 00:11:21,717
I sleep curled up in a little
ball, all tight.
199
00:11:21,718 --> 00:11:23,396
Do you?
200
00:11:23,397 --> 00:11:27,397
Yeah, I'm about that big
when I'm asleep.
201
00:11:31,117 --> 00:11:33,396
Ah.
202
00:11:33,397 --> 00:11:38,297
This is amazeballs! Bachelor pad,
double-date tonight,
203
00:11:38,477 --> 00:11:41,317
bring the dolly birds
back for a nightcap.
204
00:11:41,318 --> 00:11:43,556
Couple of right old dolly birds.
205
00:11:43,557 --> 00:11:45,076
Do another one.
206
00:11:45,077 --> 00:11:47,996
Oh, great, I'm the wing man
207
00:11:47,997 --> 00:11:50,315
for somebody who says "dolly birds"
and "nightcap"
208
00:11:50,316 --> 00:11:52,877
and I don't even know
how to be a wing man.
209
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,236
How YOU doin'?
210
00:11:55,237 --> 00:11:59,237
Joey!
Ah, it's all right by me, Miss Jones.
211
00:11:59,397 --> 00:12:03,277
I love having all these people
around. This is great, isn't it?
212
00:12:03,278 --> 00:12:04,316
Yeah.
213
00:12:04,317 --> 00:12:08,317
Who needs you, eh, you selfish cow?
214
00:12:08,357 --> 00:12:10,141
Shall we put a towel over that?
215
00:12:20,095 --> 00:12:22,975
Hello, I'm not here at the moment,
216
00:12:23,014 --> 00:12:25,754
but leave a message,
and I'll be back.
217
00:12:25,766 --> 00:12:29,245
Aaaargh! Get to the chopper.
218
00:12:29,246 --> 00:12:33,246
Yeah, just keep going, Martin.
He's fucking brilliant, isn't he, Steve?
219
00:12:33,366 --> 00:12:35,606
Just a bit closer to the mic,
cheers.
220
00:12:35,607 --> 00:12:39,525
So, this is you president speaking,
221
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:42,446
the person you are trying to
reach is currently tied up
222
00:12:42,447 --> 00:12:44,605
in secret service business.
223
00:12:44,606 --> 00:12:48,106
Please leave a message,
you incompetent fucks.
224
00:12:49,606 --> 00:12:52,005
Lovely.
225
00:12:52,006 --> 00:12:54,764
Martin, this is great, it's
so funny. How do you feel?
226
00:12:54,765 --> 00:12:57,724
Yeah, good, yeah,
you're sure it's all right, yeah?
227
00:12:57,725 --> 00:12:59,086
Yeah, everyone's cracking up.
228
00:12:59,087 --> 00:13:01,986
Right, cool, better get these
last ones done.
229
00:13:03,246 --> 00:13:05,605
Ooooh. I'm not here.
230
00:13:05,606 --> 00:13:09,206
I'm probably on the other line,
I am a chatty man,
231
00:13:09,566 --> 00:13:13,066
leave a message
and I'll get back to you. Ooooh.
232
00:13:21,406 --> 00:13:23,764
250 quid for a couple
of hours' work though,
233
00:13:23,765 --> 00:13:26,644
and Steve reckons it's
just the beginning and all.
234
00:13:26,645 --> 00:13:29,966
That's quality, Mart. Tonight's a
celebration then, you're in showbiz.
235
00:13:29,967 --> 00:13:32,966
Make a lot of money,
if you don't die from drugs.
236
00:13:35,766 --> 00:13:37,525
There's ketchup there.
237
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:40,126
Bloody hell, that is massive.
238
00:13:42,286 --> 00:13:43,286
Do you want a hand?
239
00:13:43,287 --> 00:13:45,245
Nope, it's all right.
240
00:13:45,246 --> 00:13:47,324
I get everything
from the wholesalers, don't I?
241
00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:50,044
That'll do me for life.
Never goes off.
242
00:13:50,045 --> 00:13:53,006
Hmmm. Yeah, could keep it
in a cupboard though,
243
00:13:53,007 --> 00:13:56,045
and decant it into
a smaller container.
244
00:13:56,046 --> 00:13:58,846
Nah. Far too busy for all that.
245
00:14:01,446 --> 00:14:03,285
How's your food?
246
00:14:03,286 --> 00:14:05,125
All right, yeah.
247
00:14:05,126 --> 00:14:07,844
It's amazing what you can throw
together from a newsagent's.
248
00:14:07,845 --> 00:14:11,286
You wouldn't want to eat it every
night though, would you?
249
00:14:11,287 --> 00:14:13,845
Nah.
250
00:14:13,846 --> 00:14:16,165
Ah, look at us.
251
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:19,765
This is quality, innit?
252
00:14:19,766 --> 00:14:24,166
I wonder what Morgan Freeman
would say, if he was here now?
253
00:14:28,726 --> 00:14:31,725
Do Morgan Freeman.
254
00:14:31,726 --> 00:14:34,826
Well, I'd like to say
Andy was a good man...
255
00:14:46,646 --> 00:14:48,085
You got condoms?
256
00:14:48,086 --> 00:14:49,764
Somewhere in my wash bag, I think.
257
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:51,366
At home? What if you
go back to hers?
258
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,325
I've got spares.
259
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:56,365
Don't give me them now.
What is that?
260
00:14:56,366 --> 00:14:58,365
Carbon monoxide detector.
261
00:14:58,366 --> 00:15:00,564
That bit goes dark if
there's carbon monoxide.
262
00:15:00,565 --> 00:15:02,406
Peace of mind,
if you go back to their house.
263
00:15:02,407 --> 00:15:04,165
That's really safe sex.
264
00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:05,884
Silent killer innit, without this
265
00:15:05,885 --> 00:15:07,964
I couldn't relax.
I wouldn't enjoy making love.
266
00:15:07,965 --> 00:15:10,564
Calm down, Neil, let's just have
a drink and get to know them.
267
00:15:10,565 --> 00:15:13,086
I'm sorry, I can't relax.
Why did I do double denim?
268
00:15:13,087 --> 00:15:15,325
Naomi! Hello.
269
00:15:15,326 --> 00:15:16,485
Neil.
270
00:15:16,486 --> 00:15:19,985
Hello, my darling.
This is Martin Hurdle.
271
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:23,885
Call me Martin.
272
00:15:23,886 --> 00:15:26,085
Right, do you want a drink?
273
00:15:26,086 --> 00:15:27,925
Great.
274
00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:30,566
Here, Neil, get a bottle of
champagne - chilled.
275
00:15:30,567 --> 00:15:32,285
Oooh, lovely.
276
00:15:32,286 --> 00:15:35,786
Well, he lied about his height.
277
00:15:38,246 --> 00:15:40,725
You look nice, Danielle.
278
00:15:40,726 --> 00:15:44,426
Thanks. So do you.
279
00:15:49,766 --> 00:15:53,766
Fucking 60 quid for that.
280
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:16,805
Right. Let's have a night cap.
281
00:16:16,806 --> 00:16:19,925
Hope you girls like ketchup.
282
00:16:19,926 --> 00:16:22,845
Agh!
283
00:16:22,846 --> 00:16:25,446
Sorry.
284
00:16:29,326 --> 00:16:32,326
Would you be pissed off
if I said I lied a bit?
285
00:16:32,327 --> 00:16:33,485
I have got a kid.
286
00:16:33,486 --> 00:16:35,324
I'd be more worried
if this was your room,
287
00:16:35,325 --> 00:16:36,526
and you didn't have kids.
288
00:16:36,527 --> 00:16:38,565
Yeah, I've got a son.
289
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:41,965
Don't worry, he moved out ages ago.
290
00:16:41,966 --> 00:16:44,766
Are you planning on us
sleeping in this car bed?
291
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:47,285
Well, I dunno about sleeping.
292
00:16:47,286 --> 00:16:50,925
What are your thoughts...
293
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:53,826
on drink driving?
294
00:16:55,486 --> 00:16:56,566
Can I smoke in here?
295
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,285
Yeah, I do.
296
00:16:58,286 --> 00:17:00,446
I'll get you an ashtray.
297
00:17:09,206 --> 00:17:10,645
Here.
298
00:17:10,646 --> 00:17:14,645
Thanks.
299
00:17:14,646 --> 00:17:18,646
Your son's the same age as mine,
what school did yours go to?
300
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,765
Erm. I don't know.
301
00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:24,245
Eh?
302
00:17:24,246 --> 00:17:26,285
Oh, it's Neil!
303
00:17:26,286 --> 00:17:29,186
Yeah.
304
00:17:33,046 --> 00:17:34,765
That's me.
305
00:17:34,766 --> 00:17:38,244
You have sex in cars, you
have sex in beds, car beds.
306
00:17:38,245 --> 00:17:41,206
I don't have sex in cars,
thank you very much.
307
00:17:41,207 --> 00:17:45,205
Can I have my room back,
just for tonight, please?
308
00:17:45,206 --> 00:17:47,965
Look, I'm gonna go anyway, Martin.
309
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:49,764
All right, I'll sleep downstairs.
310
00:17:49,765 --> 00:17:52,126
Yeah, she's not digging the car bed.
311
00:17:52,127 --> 00:17:55,525
Oh, you can fucking
take that down an' all!
312
00:17:55,526 --> 00:17:57,885
Mart, you give us a hand please?
313
00:17:57,886 --> 00:18:01,045
Yeah.
314
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:04,946
I'll see myself out,
see you later, Na. Good luck.
315
00:18:13,646 --> 00:18:17,246
I used to love that wallpaper.
316
00:18:31,766 --> 00:18:34,286
Right, so - Mum, Dad, Nan,
this is Steven.
317
00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:35,245
Hello.
318
00:18:35,246 --> 00:18:39,246
Hello, Steven.
319
00:18:40,526 --> 00:18:42,326
So, you're 18, Steven, love?
320
00:18:42,327 --> 00:18:43,805
Yeah, yeah.
321
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:45,125
Born in '94.
322
00:18:45,126 --> 00:18:48,526
Oh, he's young, Martin.
323
00:18:49,206 --> 00:18:50,245
Yeah.
324
00:18:50,246 --> 00:18:51,884
What do you do for work, Steven?
325
00:18:51,885 --> 00:18:55,164
I'm... I work for a digital
content development company,
326
00:18:55,165 --> 00:18:57,006
we do Internet stuff, mainly.
327
00:18:57,007 --> 00:19:00,365
Oh, we've got the Internet!
328
00:19:00,366 --> 00:19:03,845
Look, if you're happy, I'm happy.
329
00:19:03,846 --> 00:19:05,804
Don't matter these days, does it?
330
00:19:05,805 --> 00:19:07,364
What you talking about, Mum?
331
00:19:07,365 --> 00:19:11,286
Being gay. It's just nice to know
what's been up with you
332
00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:13,285
all these years, Martin.
333
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,245
No, Mum.
334
00:19:14,246 --> 00:19:17,445
Steven's my son, Nan, he's not...
335
00:19:17,446 --> 00:19:21,446
Oh! I thought this was us
meeting your boyfriend.
336
00:19:22,046 --> 00:19:25,245
Bloody hell, Margery.
Didn't you tell her?
337
00:19:25,246 --> 00:19:26,926
Mum, I told you on the phone.
338
00:19:26,927 --> 00:19:28,805
Steven's his son.
339
00:19:28,806 --> 00:19:32,486
I told her. She doesn't listen.
Telly's up so bloody loud.
340
00:19:32,487 --> 00:19:35,805
This is your family,
Steven, shall we go now?
341
00:19:35,806 --> 00:19:39,165
Welcome, Steven.
Sorry about this lot.
342
00:19:39,166 --> 00:19:40,766
No, no, I think you're all lovely.
343
00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:44,325
I wouldn't care if you was gay.
What's it matter?
344
00:19:44,326 --> 00:19:45,484
Jules's boy's gay.
345
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:48,166
Yeah, he's built like
a brick shithouse.
346
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:50,725
I remember your mum well, Steven.
347
00:19:50,726 --> 00:19:53,966
Dionne had a very grown up
head on her shoulders. Didn't she?
348
00:19:53,967 --> 00:19:56,325
Yeah, she did.
349
00:19:56,326 --> 00:19:58,365
Do you like football, Steven?
350
00:19:58,366 --> 00:20:01,925
He never did. He used to play
at primary school.
351
00:20:01,926 --> 00:20:05,566
He just used to run up and down
the field talking to himself.
352
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:07,485
Even at halftime.
353
00:20:07,486 --> 00:20:09,526
Yeah, yeah, I was
the team captain at my school,
354
00:20:09,527 --> 00:20:12,725
I still play on Saturdays
if I'm not golfing.
355
00:20:12,726 --> 00:20:16,726
Golf? Oh, I love golf.
This is brilliant.
356
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:19,325
You're like the son I never had.
357
00:20:19,326 --> 00:20:21,645
Erm, I'm playing golf with him.
358
00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:22,885
Are you?
359
00:20:22,886 --> 00:20:23,965
Yeah, he is.
360
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:26,126
So, is your mum coloured, Steven?
361
00:20:28,286 --> 00:20:30,125
Ah, there it is.
362
00:20:30,126 --> 00:20:32,365
Erm, yes, my mum is black.
363
00:20:32,366 --> 00:20:36,366
I think I remember her.
Oh, she was lovely.
364
00:20:36,846 --> 00:20:39,685
Don't know what she saw in him.
365
00:20:39,686 --> 00:20:41,566
Are you sure she wouldn't
be better off in a home?
366
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:45,566
Oi!
367
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,684
Computing Planet, rescue team.
368
00:20:56,685 --> 00:20:59,526
Hello, are you
the chaps that can work wonders
369
00:20:59,527 --> 00:21:02,085
with computation devices?
370
00:21:02,086 --> 00:21:03,846
Yes, sir, what's the problem?
371
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,846
Well, my laptop is behaving
in the most peculiar fashion.
372
00:21:08,446 --> 00:21:11,165
I fear it may be on its last legs.
373
00:21:11,166 --> 00:21:15,166
OK, well, bring it into the store
and we'll take a look at it.
374
00:21:15,766 --> 00:21:18,926
Ah, well, therein lies the rub,
you see. Listen boy,
375
00:21:18,927 --> 00:21:21,605
do you recognise my voice?
376
00:21:21,606 --> 00:21:23,565
Kind of do, yeah.
377
00:21:23,566 --> 00:21:27,566
Fool of a hobbit, Salongosunga,
now we must fly to Isengard, yes?
378
00:21:29,566 --> 00:21:31,285
Oh, my God.
379
00:21:31,286 --> 00:21:34,486
I'm Magneto, you mutant, mankind
will never learn,
380
00:21:34,487 --> 00:21:36,725
and it makes me sad.
381
00:21:36,726 --> 00:21:39,445
It's you!
382
00:21:39,446 --> 00:21:43,446
Yes, it is I, Sir Ian McKellen,
now this device of mine
383
00:21:43,606 --> 00:21:46,604
is a veritable treasure trove,
it cannot fall into the wrong hands,
384
00:21:46,605 --> 00:21:50,606
there's early drafts of the Ring
movies, there's the Hobbit scripts
385
00:21:51,646 --> 00:21:55,365
and there's the new X-Men
scripts, top secret stuff.
386
00:21:55,366 --> 00:21:58,486
I can assure you, your privacy is
paramount to us, sir,
387
00:21:58,487 --> 00:22:01,885
if you bring it in,
I'll fix it personally.
388
00:22:01,886 --> 00:22:04,204
You fool,
I need to know you are for real.
389
00:22:04,205 --> 00:22:07,206
Are you a fan of these
aforementioned franchises?
390
00:22:07,207 --> 00:22:09,005
Oh... very much so.
391
00:22:09,006 --> 00:22:13,006
Prove yourself,
one ring to rule them all and...
392
00:22:13,086 --> 00:22:15,725
and one ring to find them.
393
00:22:15,726 --> 00:22:17,245
Louder, shout it.
394
00:22:17,246 --> 00:22:18,684
And one ring to find them.
395
00:22:18,685 --> 00:22:19,966
Louder, say the whole thing!
396
00:22:19,967 --> 00:22:23,966
One ring to bind them all,
and one ring to find them!
397
00:22:24,286 --> 00:22:27,446
Stand on the desk,
take your top off, and say it!
398
00:22:27,447 --> 00:22:31,446
I can see you, I'm nearby.
Take your top off, come on.
399
00:22:31,646 --> 00:22:35,646
Stop faffing around, boy. Commit.
400
00:22:35,726 --> 00:22:39,726
Sorry, I'm stuck.
401
00:22:40,246 --> 00:22:42,325
Top off, come on.
402
00:22:42,326 --> 00:22:45,326
I'm not actually
allowed to take my top off.
403
00:22:45,327 --> 00:22:46,405
Bell end!
404
00:22:46,406 --> 00:22:47,485
Wanker!
405
00:22:47,486 --> 00:22:51,486
Go! Go!
406
00:23:03,206 --> 00:23:07,206
Sir Ian?
29947
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