Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,443 --> 00:00:11,103
Hey, Mr Paper Man!
2
00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:14,210
Why don't you have a
little look out the back
3
00:00:14,211 --> 00:00:17,110
for Build The Titanic Weekly?
4
00:00:17,161 --> 00:00:18,239
- Al Pacino!
- What does he do?
5
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,281
Something to do with computers.
They're depressive.
6
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:22,441
Sure it's yours?
7
00:00:22,492 --> 00:00:25,690
- Mum said you wanted to do a DNA test?
- What?
8
00:00:25,691 --> 00:00:27,812
Hang on, you've been here
seven years?
9
00:00:27,813 --> 00:00:28,631
Yep.
10
00:00:28,632 --> 00:00:32,632
If I'm still here in seven years,
hope they put me out of my misery.
11
00:00:33,092 --> 00:00:34,891
Stephen?
12
00:00:34,892 --> 00:00:35,982
Is she dead?
13
00:00:41,086 --> 00:00:44,645
You know, it's
crazy. It's this business, honey,
14
00:00:44,646 --> 00:00:47,965
the movies - I tell
'em, screw punctuation,
15
00:00:47,966 --> 00:00:50,444
gets in the way of
the meaning, for me.
16
00:00:50,445 --> 00:00:51,166
Leave it out!
17
00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:53,365
'Oh, my God, you're so right.
18
00:00:53,366 --> 00:00:55,406
'I still can't
believe I'm talking to you!'
19
00:00:55,407 --> 00:00:57,605
Yeah, I know. It's off the hook!
20
00:00:57,606 --> 00:00:59,766
'So, what are you, like, working
on at the moment?'
21
00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:01,645
Erm, right now,
22
00:01:01,646 --> 00:01:05,165
er, ho... Hold on!
23
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,965
The S...
24
00:01:06,966 --> 00:01:09,165
I'm doing The Stand-Up Guys!
25
00:01:09,166 --> 00:01:11,246
'What's that about,
like, comedians?'
26
00:01:11,247 --> 00:01:13,645
Yeah!
27
00:01:13,646 --> 00:01:16,085
Actually, though, no.
28
00:01:16,086 --> 00:01:19,125
It's not really. It's more kind of
29
00:01:19,126 --> 00:01:22,844
about two aging con men who try
to put the gang back together
30
00:01:22,845 --> 00:01:23,966
for one last job.
31
00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:26,805
Oh, cool! It's got
Al Pacino in it, too!
32
00:01:26,806 --> 00:01:30,286
'Wow! Oh, my God! We should totally
Skype - that would be hot.'
33
00:01:30,287 --> 00:01:32,245
Oh, yes! We must!
34
00:01:32,246 --> 00:01:34,125
I'd love to do that...
35
00:01:34,126 --> 00:01:35,845
'OK, cool!
36
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,686
'Oh, hey, why don't
I send these naked pictures of me?'
37
00:01:38,687 --> 00:01:42,325
Oh, yes. Send them to my assistant.
38
00:01:42,326 --> 00:01:45,365
His name is Martin Hurdle.
39
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:49,045
39A Pickhurst Road.
40
00:01:49,046 --> 00:01:50,086
This is in England.
41
00:01:50,087 --> 00:01:52,325
'Er, OK.'
42
00:01:52,326 --> 00:01:54,966
So, you threw your new
jacket off a building?
43
00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:57,205
As a symbolic gesture, yes.
44
00:01:57,206 --> 00:01:59,806
Then I remembered you've got
to give three weeks' notice.
45
00:01:59,807 --> 00:02:00,325
OK.
46
00:02:00,326 --> 00:02:03,244
So nobody's noticed where I've been
for the last three days, then?
47
00:02:03,245 --> 00:02:05,124
It's been busy here, Martin.
48
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,124
There's been a lot of changes.
49
00:02:07,125 --> 00:02:09,526
They're pretty much
revolutionised site maintenance.
50
00:02:09,527 --> 00:02:11,445
We're called crews now.
51
00:02:11,446 --> 00:02:13,325
There's A Crew and B Crew.
52
00:02:13,326 --> 00:02:15,406
You're in B Crew
and I'm B Crew leader.
53
00:02:15,407 --> 00:02:19,406
Well, you were, in my
absence, but I'm back now.
54
00:02:20,846 --> 00:02:22,764
I did the crew leader
training, though.
55
00:02:22,765 --> 00:02:25,564
Throw a ball around in the morning
and take notes in the afternoon.
56
00:02:25,565 --> 00:02:28,004
There's loads of new rules.
Crew members are not allowed
57
00:02:28,005 --> 00:02:31,086
to make comments about physical
appearance, even if positive.
58
00:02:31,087 --> 00:02:33,565
Oh, come on! I've been here longer!
59
00:02:33,566 --> 00:02:34,805
But you quit.
60
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:35,965
Yeah.
61
00:02:35,966 --> 00:02:39,966
Nobody noticed, though.
62
00:02:46,726 --> 00:02:48,844
Dionne, you didn't tell
me you were pregnant,
63
00:02:48,845 --> 00:02:51,004
and you kept Steven
a secret for 18 years.
64
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,126
I think I've got
a right to be pissed off.
65
00:02:53,127 --> 00:02:55,325
Of course you have, Martin.
66
00:02:55,326 --> 00:02:58,086
I never taught him how to...
tie his shoes.
67
00:02:58,087 --> 00:03:01,165
I never taught him how to...
68
00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:03,405
I never passed on my knowledge.
69
00:03:03,406 --> 00:03:06,044
He was telling me
about his brand-new BMW,
70
00:03:06,045 --> 00:03:08,446
and him being the
manager of his company.
71
00:03:08,447 --> 00:03:12,325
Imagine what he would have
achieved with me as his dad!
72
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,764
Martin, I think we need
to meet in person.
73
00:03:14,765 --> 00:03:17,084
All right. I think
that's a good idea.
74
00:03:17,085 --> 00:03:20,284
That way I can... try to explain
why I didn't tell you.
75
00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:22,806
I... I need to fully understand
it myself, you know?
76
00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:26,605
OK, great. Text me.
77
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:27,846
I've got to go. I'm on patrol.
78
00:03:27,847 --> 00:03:29,405
Patrol?
79
00:03:29,406 --> 00:03:33,406
Leaf patrol.
80
00:03:35,646 --> 00:03:37,845
Why doesn't everybody
81
00:03:37,846 --> 00:03:40,805
just leave me alone?! Aaagh!
82
00:03:40,806 --> 00:03:44,806
Aaagh!
83
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,964
It's really good you're going
to meet Dionne, Martin.
84
00:03:55,965 --> 00:03:57,924
Let go of some of this anger.
85
00:03:57,925 --> 00:03:59,684
It's really starting
to bring me down.
86
00:03:59,685 --> 00:04:00,204
Oh, sorry.
87
00:04:00,205 --> 00:04:01,966
Well, I've got a boyfriend now.
88
00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:03,685
I'm all loved up.
89
00:04:03,686 --> 00:04:06,964
Don't want to think about
you down here, all miserable.
90
00:04:06,965 --> 00:04:09,684
What can me and Jesse watch tonight?
Is this any good?
91
00:04:09,685 --> 00:04:12,845
- Yeah, it's a classic.
- Looks weird, Martin!
92
00:04:12,846 --> 00:04:14,804
Why haven't you got any normal films?
93
00:04:14,805 --> 00:04:16,364
This, Jean, is a collection
94
00:04:16,365 --> 00:04:19,284
of the best British voices
ever committed to film.
95
00:04:19,285 --> 00:04:21,806
It's not just about
the voices, Martin.
96
00:04:21,807 --> 00:04:25,806
It's about the story and the romance.
97
00:04:26,846 --> 00:04:28,846
What's this? Have we seen this?
98
00:04:28,847 --> 00:04:30,965
Yes. Old James Mason
99
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,046
gets rather taken with a young girl.
100
00:04:33,047 --> 00:04:35,925
You described it as a bit noncy.
101
00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:38,285
What?
102
00:04:38,286 --> 00:04:40,725
See that?
103
00:04:40,726 --> 00:04:42,885
Hello, Jean.
104
00:04:42,886 --> 00:04:45,085
Alan Rickman here.
105
00:04:45,086 --> 00:04:48,686
I'm in this, trying to get my leg
over, with Kate Winslet.
106
00:04:48,687 --> 00:04:51,605
Yeah - the voice sounds familiar.
107
00:04:51,606 --> 00:04:54,245
Nnnno, Potter.
108
00:04:54,246 --> 00:04:54,765
Nnnno.
109
00:04:54,766 --> 00:04:56,765
Oh, it's Harry Potter!
110
00:04:56,766 --> 00:04:59,646
I like it when you do
ones that people recognise.
111
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:03,605
Peter O'Toole - I'm an
old-fashioned hell-raiser, Jean!
112
00:05:03,606 --> 00:05:05,630
They don't make 'em
like that any more!
113
00:05:05,646 --> 00:05:09,525
- You need a girlfriend, Martin.
- Ah, now this is an Ealing comedy,
114
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:12,326
The Ladykillers - it's
got Obi-Wan Kenobi in it?
115
00:05:12,327 --> 00:05:14,925
Remarkable windows, Mrs Wilberforce.
116
00:05:14,926 --> 00:05:18,444
I like to think of the windows
as the eyes of the house.
117
00:05:18,445 --> 00:05:20,886
This is the weapon of a Jedi knight,
118
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:24,325
not as clumsy or as
random as a blaster.
119
00:05:24,326 --> 00:05:26,806
Right, I'm going
back upstairs now, Martin.
120
00:05:26,807 --> 00:05:29,525
You doing Star Wars, it's really sad!
121
00:05:29,526 --> 00:05:33,526
Women don't like that!
122
00:05:33,846 --> 00:05:35,445
What's this?
123
00:05:35,446 --> 00:05:36,926
Yeah, you'll like that.
124
00:05:36,927 --> 00:05:40,125
Nah, it's got subtitles -
I hate that!
125
00:05:40,126 --> 00:05:44,126
No, it hasn't. Give us it here...
126
00:05:45,486 --> 00:05:48,126
Subtleties, Jean -
it's got subtleties.
127
00:05:48,127 --> 00:05:52,085
Mmm. I don't like them, either.
128
00:05:52,086 --> 00:05:54,366
- Oh!
- Are we going to work out tomorrow?
129
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:57,165
No, Martin, you go on your own.
130
00:05:57,166 --> 00:06:01,166
Jesse's enough of a workout for me.
131
00:06:01,366 --> 00:06:05,366
Oh, Jean!
132
00:06:58,726 --> 00:07:02,086
Oh, hello there!
On tonight's show, we've got Neil,
133
00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:05,205
a male newsagent who
carries a rape alarm!
134
00:07:05,206 --> 00:07:07,405
Ha! Well, it's a personal alarm.
135
00:07:07,406 --> 00:07:07,965
Do more.
136
00:07:07,966 --> 00:07:10,644
I couldn't help but notice
as I came through the door,
137
00:07:10,645 --> 00:07:13,644
you've got the "No more than three
schoolchildren in the shop" card
138
00:07:13,645 --> 00:07:15,844
in the window - what
a great rule that is!
139
00:07:15,845 --> 00:07:18,726
I'm actually thinking of lowering
it to two. There's a shop in town,
140
00:07:18,727 --> 00:07:22,685
it only allows one -
that's what we're heading for.
141
00:07:22,686 --> 00:07:23,325
Or none.
142
00:07:23,326 --> 00:07:25,485
Hey! Why the long face?
143
00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:29,486
I had your father's watch
stuck up my ass for five years.
144
00:07:29,606 --> 00:07:30,965
What?
145
00:07:30,966 --> 00:07:32,845
Pulp Fiction.
146
00:07:32,846 --> 00:07:34,446
I don't remember that bit.
147
00:07:34,447 --> 00:07:36,645
He does say it, honestly.
148
00:07:36,646 --> 00:07:37,564
How you been, then?
149
00:07:37,565 --> 00:07:39,886
Yeah, good, Martin.
Doing all right, mate.
150
00:07:39,887 --> 00:07:41,885
I was just doing, erm,
151
00:07:41,886 --> 00:07:44,444
- internet dating profile, actually.
- You're doing that, then?
152
00:07:44,445 --> 00:07:46,844
Yeah, you know, little
dabble, just for a laugh.
153
00:07:46,845 --> 00:07:50,006
Might find my soul mate,
might not. If I don't...
154
00:07:50,007 --> 00:07:53,925
I don't know what I'll do.
155
00:07:53,926 --> 00:07:56,884
You've got your photo there
and your headline there.
156
00:07:56,885 --> 00:08:00,764
Then you fill this in, and ladies
send you little messages.
157
00:08:00,765 --> 00:08:03,124
Mmm - internet is a bit
weird, though, isn't it?
158
00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:05,604
You never know who
you're really talking to.
159
00:08:05,605 --> 00:08:07,204
Yeah, I thought of that.
160
00:08:07,205 --> 00:08:09,604
So I'm not going to give
any real details - change me name,
161
00:08:09,605 --> 00:08:12,484
lie about everything, you know?
Until I meet them,
162
00:08:12,485 --> 00:08:14,326
make sure they're not mental.
163
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,525
Right.
164
00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:17,644
See, my headline is going to be,
165
00:08:17,645 --> 00:08:20,606
"I will never make you come
to the football on Saturday,
166
00:08:20,607 --> 00:08:22,685
"let's go shopping instead."
167
00:08:22,686 --> 00:08:25,925
Oh, right. That's good, isn't it?
Why?
168
00:08:25,926 --> 00:08:29,084
My ex-wife, that was her biggest bugbear,
me dragging her to the football.
169
00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:31,444
So, I'm setting my stall
out differently this time.
170
00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:34,046
You should get involved, mate.
You ain't got a woman, have you?
171
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,085
Nothing major.
172
00:08:36,086 --> 00:08:38,364
I'll help with your profile
if you want.
173
00:08:38,365 --> 00:08:40,766
Look at all the women on here.
There's some nice ones.
174
00:08:40,767 --> 00:08:44,766
She's all right, isn't she?
175
00:08:45,606 --> 00:08:49,605
She's got a chocolate lab.
176
00:08:49,606 --> 00:08:53,605
What's that, some Willy Wonka shit?
177
00:08:53,606 --> 00:08:57,125
Chocolate Labrador.
Means she's got a brown dog.
178
00:08:57,126 --> 00:09:00,285
No. No dogs - can't go on holiday.
179
00:09:00,286 --> 00:09:03,086
Shame, cos she looks lovely.
I'll fuck her off.
180
00:09:03,087 --> 00:09:06,005
Right. Anyway, just click that,
181
00:09:06,006 --> 00:09:09,405
and that's my profile gone live.
182
00:09:09,406 --> 00:09:12,965
There I am. Just got to wait now.
183
00:09:12,966 --> 00:09:16,966
Bloody torture.
184
00:09:17,606 --> 00:09:20,405
Heads up. Schoolchildren.
185
00:09:20,406 --> 00:09:22,405
But it's Saturday.
186
00:09:22,406 --> 00:09:26,406
Plain clothes. Still schoolchildren.
187
00:09:58,486 --> 00:10:00,885
Martin. Hiya!
188
00:10:00,886 --> 00:10:03,644
Just popped up because I found a
film you guys might like.
189
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:05,684
I'm going to the pub,
do you want to come?
190
00:10:05,685 --> 00:10:08,846
What pub you going to?
Are you going to be Irish?
191
00:10:08,847 --> 00:10:12,685
Hello. I'm Martin,
I live downstairs.
192
00:10:12,686 --> 00:10:16,444
How's it, bro? I'm Jesse. Good
to put the face to the name, fella.
193
00:10:16,445 --> 00:10:20,044
I've heard you scrabbling around
down there, but never seen you.
194
00:10:20,045 --> 00:10:23,606
It's great you want to meet me,
but schoolboy error -
195
00:10:23,607 --> 00:10:27,606
you've blundered up
while we're having sex, man.
196
00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:33,726
Right. Thanks, Martin.
197
00:10:50,246 --> 00:10:52,405
Michael, how are you doing?
198
00:10:52,406 --> 00:10:53,724
Very well, Paul.
And you?
199
00:10:53,725 --> 00:10:54,964
Yeah, fine, you know.
200
00:10:54,965 --> 00:10:56,046
Pint of me usual.
201
00:10:56,047 --> 00:10:58,346
Right you be.
202
00:11:49,606 --> 00:11:51,925
Steven. You all right, love?
203
00:11:51,926 --> 00:11:55,645
Yeah, I'm looking for my...
For Martin. Is he here?
204
00:11:55,646 --> 00:11:58,326
No, sweetheart.
He went to the pub a while ago.
205
00:11:58,327 --> 00:12:00,405
Cool, which pub?
206
00:12:00,406 --> 00:12:01,565
Eh... Oh!
207
00:12:01,566 --> 00:12:03,045
What's up, cuz?
208
00:12:03,046 --> 00:12:05,686
This isn't a great time.
We're just about to get our freak on.
209
00:12:05,687 --> 00:12:09,605
This is Jesse.
This is Steven, Martin's boy.
210
00:12:09,606 --> 00:12:12,845
Sweet. I'm Jesse, Jean's friend.
211
00:12:12,846 --> 00:12:14,885
Are you all right, mate?
212
00:12:14,886 --> 00:12:17,164
Yeah,
I just really need to talk to him.
213
00:12:17,165 --> 00:12:20,844
OK. Well, he's probably
in the Irish pub on Church street.
214
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:21,966
Cool. Yeah, I know the one.
215
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:23,965
Call him before you go in.
216
00:12:23,966 --> 00:12:26,265
OK.
217
00:12:27,366 --> 00:12:30,085
Take it easy, bud.
218
00:12:30,086 --> 00:12:32,285
Jean's friend?
219
00:12:32,286 --> 00:12:36,006
He was, "For fuck's sake, Michael,
I've only got the two hands!"
220
00:12:40,566 --> 00:12:43,066
Come on, Michael. Come on!
221
00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:51,706
You're our champion, Michael!
222
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:03,365
A dance-off!
223
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:06,045
Come on, lads!
224
00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:08,646
Michael Jackson!
225
00:13:23,606 --> 00:13:27,205
Martin!
226
00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:30,045
Let's go.
227
00:13:30,046 --> 00:13:31,326
You all right, Steven?
228
00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:32,605
Yeah.
229
00:13:32,606 --> 00:13:36,526
Look, Martin, I'm sorry to bother
you in here while you're...
230
00:13:36,527 --> 00:13:37,525
Hanging out.
231
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:39,165
Yeah.
232
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:42,284
I spoke to my mum.
She told me you called her.
233
00:13:42,285 --> 00:13:43,926
I didn't upset her, did I?
234
00:13:43,927 --> 00:13:46,205
No. No. No, eh, look...
235
00:13:46,206 --> 00:13:50,206
I haven't been totally honest.
236
00:13:50,526 --> 00:13:52,925
- Oh?
- I lied to you.
237
00:13:52,926 --> 00:13:56,445
My car is older than I made out.
238
00:13:56,446 --> 00:14:00,446
My job... I'm not the manager,
not even close.
239
00:14:02,886 --> 00:14:06,886
It's just...
like, I never had a dad before.
240
00:14:08,606 --> 00:14:11,525
I wanted you
to be impressed with me.
241
00:14:11,526 --> 00:14:13,645
And I feel like a dick now.
242
00:14:13,646 --> 00:14:16,164
I just didn't want you
to think I was dishonest.
243
00:14:16,165 --> 00:14:19,284
Hey, Michael! You can't
just put the tracksuit on
244
00:14:19,285 --> 00:14:22,724
and come down the pub, you know. You
got to move your arse a bit as well.
245
00:14:22,725 --> 00:14:26,286
How you been? How's your
speedboat, you fucking player?
246
00:14:26,287 --> 00:14:28,645
Here we go. How you
doing, Conor?
247
00:14:28,646 --> 00:14:29,525
Not bad.
248
00:14:29,526 --> 00:14:32,606
The speedboat's deadly. Go grab
a pint, I'll be over in a minute.
249
00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:34,806
No worries.
250
00:14:38,046 --> 00:14:40,417
Looks like bullshit
runs in the family.
251
00:14:51,973 --> 00:14:54,573
Martin, this is mental! How
do you do it?
252
00:14:54,647 --> 00:14:56,146
I don't know, really,
253
00:14:56,225 --> 00:15:00,025
I can just hear things in the way
people talk and latch onto them.
254
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:01,773
McKellen.
255
00:15:01,774 --> 00:15:04,133
Sir Ian McKellen.
256
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,357
You can do any voice?
257
00:15:05,429 --> 00:15:08,748
Ah no, some you can't get at,
you can't access.
258
00:15:08,749 --> 00:15:12,188
Those people in the pub
think you're Irish.
259
00:15:12,189 --> 00:15:14,829
Yeah, I know.
I like going in there, though.
260
00:15:14,910 --> 00:15:16,750
It's like a little
break from being me.
261
00:15:16,751 --> 00:15:19,869
I do the same thing, kind of.
262
00:15:19,870 --> 00:15:22,469
Obviously not to the same extreme,
263
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:25,310
but I change the way
I am around different people.
264
00:15:25,311 --> 00:15:27,669
I think everybody does.
265
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:30,390
You've taken it to another level,
though, to be fair.
266
00:15:30,391 --> 00:15:32,549
You are living a lie.
267
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:36,450
The celeb voices, you could blag
so much free stuff, just call up
268
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,470
and pretend to be people.
269
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:41,189
I got a box
set of Planet Earth once,
270
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:44,388
rang up the BBC as Attenborough
and demanded it.
271
00:15:44,389 --> 00:15:46,550
Took ages and got a bit awkward in
the end.
272
00:15:46,551 --> 00:15:50,309
I've lost mine, I've got the in-laws
coming round.
273
00:15:50,310 --> 00:15:52,909
They want to watch it.
274
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,989
You could make money out of this,
Martin.
275
00:15:55,990 --> 00:15:59,469
Radio, adverts, TV.
276
00:15:59,470 --> 00:16:01,988
Why haven't you done
anything with this?
277
00:16:01,989 --> 00:16:04,790
I don't know. Performing scares me a
bit, you know?
278
00:16:04,791 --> 00:16:07,669
Being in the spotlight.
279
00:16:07,670 --> 00:16:11,670
I'll help you. I'll manage it,
we can do it together.
280
00:16:11,910 --> 00:16:14,069
I'll do some research.
281
00:16:14,070 --> 00:16:17,869
I'll think about it.
282
00:16:17,870 --> 00:16:20,029
I'm meeting your mum tomorrow.
283
00:16:20,030 --> 00:16:23,989
Yeah, I know. I'm glad.
You've got a lot to talk about.
284
00:16:23,990 --> 00:16:27,430
Hey. I met Jean's new boyfriend.
Bit of a knob, isn't he?
285
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:29,189
Complete knob. Yeah.
286
00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:31,029
Doesn't suit her.
287
00:16:31,030 --> 00:16:35,030
Easy fella. What's
cracking?
288
00:16:36,630 --> 00:16:38,749
Can you do an impression of me?
289
00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:41,068
My name's Steven
and I've got a flying BMW,
290
00:16:41,069 --> 00:16:43,310
and I'm global president of Steven
Industries.
291
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:48,470
All right, Paddy O'Faker!
292
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:52,830
Suppose we could both do with
being a bit more honest.
293
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:56,269
Hi, baby, it's Chris.
294
00:16:56,270 --> 00:17:00,270
Oh, my face? It's just
Botox. It's a trick of the trade.
295
00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:04,629
Hey, I've got this crazy idea.
296
00:17:04,630 --> 00:17:08,630
How 'bout you show me a liddle iddy
biddy titty?
297
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:12,750
Oh? No way?!
298
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:17,510
Wowzers! What you just said
really surprised me.
299
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:21,189
This isn't going to bloody work!
300
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:25,190
I'm so lonely.
301
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:28,669
There I was, facing the beast.
302
00:17:28,670 --> 00:17:32,069
He'd had a good go at old Sir Terry.
303
00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:35,550
I could hear my punctured lung
whistling as I panted there
304
00:17:35,551 --> 00:17:39,069
underneath that hot Spanish sun.
305
00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:42,550
The bull lowered its head, and
flared its nostrils and pounced.
306
00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:46,109
A little sidestep, a little shimmy
307
00:17:46,110 --> 00:17:50,869
and I caught the monster by the
horns and pulled its head clean off.
308
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:54,748
I'm not ashamed to admit
I bathed in its blood that night.
309
00:17:54,749 --> 00:17:57,430
I'll never forget that crazy
day from the tattoo
310
00:17:57,431 --> 00:18:01,430
I had of the incident all up
the side of my cock.
311
00:18:11,270 --> 00:18:12,950
So where are you going to take her?
312
00:18:12,951 --> 00:18:14,669
Just for a drink.
313
00:18:14,670 --> 00:18:17,670
Is it going to be weird seeing
someone you used to have sex with?
314
00:18:17,671 --> 00:18:19,909
No!
315
00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:21,830
You embarrassed about having
grey hair?
316
00:18:21,831 --> 00:18:23,709
No!
317
00:18:23,710 --> 00:18:25,950
Do you think you'll get
back with her?
318
00:18:25,951 --> 00:18:28,269
No. Not at all.
319
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:30,389
Go get the biscuits, will you?
320
00:18:30,390 --> 00:18:34,390
No, cos then you'll get
the comfy chair.
321
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,868
Steven reckons I can make
money from doing me voices.
322
00:19:01,869 --> 00:19:02,748
I could quit my job.
323
00:19:02,749 --> 00:19:05,628
I don't think you should run away
with yourself, Martin,
324
00:19:05,629 --> 00:19:07,470
you've got to pay the rent
here every month.
325
00:19:07,471 --> 00:19:09,589
Yes, Jean, I do know.
326
00:19:09,590 --> 00:19:13,549
Aah. You look really handsome,
Martin.
327
00:19:13,550 --> 00:19:17,469
Yeah? Hmmm.
Steven lent me the jacket.
328
00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:20,908
Might hang onto it for when all me
internet dates come flooding in.
329
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,788
Hmmm, not bringing them
here, are you?
330
00:19:22,789 --> 00:19:23,830
I don't want to hear that.
331
00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:25,309
Well, I've heard...
332
00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:27,110
You're always with Jesse now.
333
00:19:27,111 --> 00:19:28,789
I never get to see you.
334
00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:30,949
What do you think of Jesse?
335
00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:32,789
He's all right.
336
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,550
You think he's a knobhead, don't
you?
337
00:19:34,551 --> 00:19:38,030
No. I don't want to
see you get hurt.
338
00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:45,910
Hmm. Right. I'm going for a
bath. Knackered.
339
00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:51,790
Good luck tonight, Martin.
340
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:03,029
Oh, gosh, there she is, man!
341
00:20:03,030 --> 00:20:06,189
OK, just grab a
drink, then go over.
342
00:20:06,190 --> 00:20:08,909
Too late, buddy!
343
00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:12,910
Geronimo!
344
00:20:14,950 --> 00:20:16,509
Dionne.
345
00:20:16,510 --> 00:20:18,349
Martin.
346
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:21,029
Still talking to yourself, then?
347
00:20:21,030 --> 00:20:24,389
Yeah.
348
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:27,709
My boss is so young she's never used
a teapot.
349
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,708
Once she couldn't name a single
seasonal food
350
00:20:29,709 --> 00:20:31,790
apart from a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
351
00:20:31,791 --> 00:20:34,309
Well, I feel old, too, Martin.
352
00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:38,310
But you think back to when we were
kids - bloody hell, it's better now.
353
00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:40,428
We're not even 40, listen to us!
354
00:20:40,429 --> 00:20:44,430
I know! I mean, old grannies
must look at us and see us as young.
355
00:20:45,990 --> 00:20:47,829
I don't feel young.
356
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:51,510
Fuck! Imagine what it'll be like
when we're properly old?
357
00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:52,629
It'll be mental.
358
00:20:52,630 --> 00:20:54,709
Yeah.
359
00:20:54,710 --> 00:20:58,269
Steven's an old soul, isn't he?
He's mature.
360
00:20:58,270 --> 00:21:00,430
You've done a great job bringing him
up, Dionne.
361
00:21:00,431 --> 00:21:02,429
Thank you, Martin.
362
00:21:02,430 --> 00:21:06,430
And I'm sorry how things worked out.
I'm not sorry now, but...
363
00:21:07,990 --> 00:21:09,710
Well, we were kids, weren't we?
364
00:21:09,711 --> 00:21:13,710
Yeah.
365
00:21:14,430 --> 00:21:17,069
Why didn't you tell me?
366
00:21:17,070 --> 00:21:19,469
Martin...
367
00:21:19,470 --> 00:21:21,270
We went out for five months,
368
00:21:21,271 --> 00:21:25,270
we split up, a month later
I found out I was pregnant.
369
00:21:25,710 --> 00:21:29,710
I had to think of Steven.
370
00:21:31,990 --> 00:21:34,189
I could have been a good dad.
371
00:21:34,190 --> 00:21:36,748
You always said you wanted to
travel.
372
00:21:36,749 --> 00:21:39,110
You had such grand
plans for your life.
373
00:21:39,111 --> 00:21:40,189
Did I?
374
00:21:40,190 --> 00:21:43,549
Yeah. Well, I couldn't rely on you
100%.
375
00:21:43,550 --> 00:21:46,028
Well, I didn't travel or do
anything, really, so...
376
00:21:46,029 --> 00:21:50,030
We were more friends than lovers
most of the time, weren't we?
377
00:21:53,030 --> 00:21:55,109
Yeah.
378
00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:59,110
You make a decision
and it's just for that day.
379
00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:00,789
Then it's a week.
380
00:22:00,790 --> 00:22:03,629
Then you've got a five-year-old.
381
00:22:03,630 --> 00:22:06,389
Life happens.
382
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:08,429
Time goes past.
383
00:22:08,430 --> 00:22:10,709
So why now?
384
00:22:11,610 --> 00:22:14,710
Well, I always told Steven that
if he wanted to meet his dad,
385
00:22:15,270 --> 00:22:19,269
he could when he was 18, and...
386
00:22:19,270 --> 00:22:20,069
And...
387
00:22:20,070 --> 00:22:22,750
I did want to go travelling, didn't
I? Yeah.
388
00:22:22,751 --> 00:22:26,549
I was going to go to India.
389
00:22:26,550 --> 00:22:30,550
You could still go to India.
They haven't moved it.
390
00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:35,150
Yeah.
391
00:23:18,390 --> 00:23:19,759
Oh, God!
28903
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