Original subtitles

Good morning to ya, one and all.

It is I, little old Terry Wogan, coming to you via the radio.

"I'm currently on the B132.

"Am I going the right way?" writes Janice.

Who knows?

Oh, it's morns like this

I wish I was back in Phuket at a Full Moon Party,

bouncing a ladyboy on each knee, whilst chasing the dragon.

"Great days," sobs Kenneth.

You're listening to... Wake Up With Wogan.

No, you're listening to...

Wake Up With Wogan, standin' over yous in a nappy full to the brim!

Well, it's one of those mornings.

And I'm stuck in traffic.

Course, the more important you are

the closer you park to the building.

So I park about a mile away, which is shit.

Anyway, we're talking about man boobs -

email us, text us if your fellow's got moobs.

They do...

Ooh! Who's on the line? Beryl?

Has your fella got... moobs?

Jean?

Martin.

'Is this an emergency?'

Martin, there is a pigeon on my bus.

Well, a pigeon getting on a bus is not an emergency, is it?

It thinks it's a person, though.

Well, it will probably get off at the next stop, won't it?

It's dead cute. Aw!

'Jean.'

It's coming towards me, I think it's picking a seat.

Mate, there's a pigeon on the bus.

Jean?

Chelsea, you've done ever so well

and we'll be done by home time, so bring on the wall!

Dionne? Is that you?

It's Martin. Blimey, you sound different.

Mind you, it's been a few years, hasn't it?

"I still sound the same?" Is that good?

Listen, I wanted to ring because Facebook's a bit, you know... Yeah.

No, and I hear what you're saying.

Yeah. Dionne? Yep.

No, I hear what you're saying, I just think that I would feel better

if we did the test.

I just want to be absolutely sure he's my son.

You know, before we bond and all that, you know? Yeah.

Listen, Dionne, I've got to go.

A trained chimpanzee could...

Yep, OK. Yep, bye.

Oh, my God, you'll never guess what he's gone and done now.

Dunno.

He's unfollowed me. He has unfollowed me.

What a bastard.

Huh, what does your paedo-meter say?

It's pronounced "ped-o-meter."

Does it beep when you go past schools?

Er, just over a mile.

A mile?!

Well, that's all right, call it our warm-up.

Why would anybody join a proper gym when it's all out here for free?

It's a bit open, Martin. Everyone can see us, can't they? It's weird.

No-one's watching us. Anyway, it's better out in the open.

It's like how Rocky used to train.

It's a bit like being kids again, ain't it?

More like Rocky.

A bit scared about meeting him for the first time?

Dunno.

Is he tall like you?

Dunno, I've only got this picture of his head.

Let's have a look.

Aw.

What does he do?

I can't remember exactly, something to do with computers.

Dead impressive.

Sure he's yours?

How old is he? Steven, is it?

18.

18? God.

Think of all the time you've missed with him.

That's shit that, innit?

What would you have bought him for his tenth birthday?

Buckaroo?

Buckaroo scared me.

Is it cos of him you're doing all the working out and getting buff?

Dunno.

Asking for a promotion at work and that...

cos you think he might be disappointed in you?

Bloody hell, Jean.

He'll be dead impressed with all your voices though,

won't he, pickle?

I don't want to bombard him with all of that.

Look at what you're wearing, it's high-street tragedy.

You need some Gok Wan magic and fast!

I suppose Gok's a bit like Dale Winton really,

it's just Dale Winton's a bit like "Whooooey!"

And Gok's a bit more "like that!"

Nah, he might think it's really weird!

You've made me feel all paranoid about me clothes now, Martin.

I was only joking, you look nice.

Here, watch this.

What are you doing, knobhead?

Hee-hee! Would you believe it?!

I've only gone and got trapped in the post box.

Don't laugh, the producer will be furious. What time's the next post?

You'll be in there until 5.30, Ronnie.

Fuck! Post me in some food and a couple of beers and...

if you get a chance, pop in a doobie.

Ronnie, there are some more people coming.

Why are you talking to a post box?

Because I'm trapped in here!

The producer's going to be furious. Em... I can see the light.

Who are you?

He sounds like a little goblin man.

It's Ronnie Corbett.

Who?

Ronnie Corbett, I used to be on the telly.

What are you doing in there? You a paedo?

What? Ronnie Corbett's not a paedo!

Do you not know who Ronnie Corbett is, seriously?

Oh, my God, he's really famous. He used to be on telly all the time.

Are you fucking up the letters?

No, I can assure you the post is intact.

We should get him some water.

There's a geezer in there, love.

Hey-ho!

I'll use another one.

Look, if we get you out of there

you got to put us all on telly, mate, and my cousin as well.

I should get him some water.

Could have got stabbed then, Martin.

Imagine not knowing who Ronnie Corbett is!

I know. It's mad.

Steven?

Yeah... Steven. Martin? Mar...

Been waving at you from the window for ages!

Were you? Sorry.

I probably looked mental!

Shall we grab a table?

That's a nice suit.

Cheers.

I've never had a proper suit,

not one where the trousers match the jacket.

I feel a bit overdressed in here.

I don't know what I'm going to have.

Yeah, I know, they've got everything, ain't they?

So, you got a girlfriend?

No, I'm really busy with work.

I'm not having much luck with women at the moment.

There you go, that's one thing we've got in common.

Well, a lot of men say that, don't they?

Suppose.

So, Mum said you wanted to do a DNA test?

What?! Oh, no, she wasn't meant to tell you, Steven.

Oh, no, no. Mum might have got it wrong, we need to know.

Look, if I am your dad,

I want to make up for all the things we missed out on, you know?

I mean, I never got to do all the dad stuff,

like teaching you how to ride a bike or wiping your bum.

We should definitely do a test.

I didn't mean those things... We'd do other things.

Look, d'you know what you're having? I'm going to go and order.

I'm going to go for lasagne.

Ah, no way! I was going to have lasagne as well.

Or maybe gammon. Gammon's good.

Okey dokey.

Yeah, I've got a loyalty card for this place.

Get a free side with this meal.

'They have wings but they do not take to the sky.

'They swim in the ocean like fish

'and every single year they set out on a seemingly impossible journey.'

The father penguin protects his offspring

from the freezing cold blizzard, keeping the egg warm and safe.

The father protects the offspring.

If you want to add some gravitas with a kind of timeless,

bittersweet wisdom, to some footage of penguins or anything really,

you need an older black actor like me, who else?

Me! I am looking for my son, have you seen my son?

Luke, I am your father. Simba, I am also your father.

That was a hell of a summer.

Why are all my movies about being a father?

The harshest environment on Earth.

See, I can do the narration better than anybody.

The penguin's journey will end here.

No, no, James.

It sounds slightly threatening when you do it.

You're Darth Vader, it sounds like you want to hurt those penguins.

Nonsense, the Emperor will be most displeased

at your insolence.

No, the Emperor's a type of penguin, James.

My favourite side of the penguin is the dark side.

No, James, no-one wants to hear you narrating,

especially the bit where the penguins are fucking each other.

You sound insane.

Martin?

Yeah.

Who you talking to?

No-one.

Well, get to bed, you've got a big DNA test tomorrow.

All right, Jean. Flippin' heck!

What happened to the rule about knocking before you come down?

G'night.

Good night, Jean.

Shut the door.

Seen this?

Wi-Fi now. Bloody tomatoes yesterday.

Wi-Fi?

Yeah. It might be dangerous. Makes the trees go weird or something.

I sleep right next to my Wi-Fi, I'm up pissing half the night,

I used to sleep right through.

Could be giving us all cancer.

I'm building the Titanic.

Yup, tomatoes yesterday, they can kill you.

They were good for us last week. I can't take much more of this.

I'm building the Titanic.

What?

A piece a week, I'm two weeks behind,

you must have cancelled the magazine.

Oh, if it's not there, I don't know, mate.

Oh, the bears are on the march, they're all homeless,

no bloody ice left.

Global warming.

Right, you couldn't have a little look out the back, could you?

It's Build A Titanic Weekly.

It's just, erm, I've done the whole of the keel,

I'm now onto the upper decks.

That's going to take you ages, mate, just sack it off.

Nah, it's not a chore, I like building it.

I think most people will just do the first week,

that's why they give you the good bit first.

Nah. No, I'm not giving up on this.

Last year I built half a giant ant, I still think about it.

Just have a little look at the back for us, will you?

There's a meteorite up there, no-one knows what it's doing.

It might destroy everything or it could go the other way.

What's the bloody point, eh?

Hey!

Mr Paper Man, why don't you have a little look out the back

for Build a Titanic Weekly?

It's Al Pacino!

Hoo-hah!

It's very good.

All right, I'll just have a look out the back.

While you're out there, have a little look for

Build a Giant Ant magazine.

Give me some mandibles, thorax

and maybe, just maybe, you should stop reading all of this shit.

Mr Stubbs? Mr Stubbs? Chris?

Yeah?

I wondered if you'd had a chance to look into the,

you know, chances of me getting a promotion?

Ah, yeah, Mr...?

Hurdle.

That's it. Look, basically,

I have to praise any worker for proactivity.

Asking for a promotion, it's an important issue for you

and I have to treat it in that way.

Basically, I have to make you feel like you've made a difference.

Yeah, well, I want to better myself. I've got a son now. Probably.

That's nice, when was he born?

1994.

Look, you're site maintenance, you guys are the absolute lifeblood

of any pharmaceutical company, except for maybe the chemists,

but basically there's nowhere to go, it's a...

Dead end?

Something of a cul de sac.

Yeah, look, I've got to dash, I've got another bloody lunch meeting.

Listen, I probably shouldn't tell you this

but you guys are getting new jackets pretty soon.

Gore-Tex, reflective panelling, yeah?

That's put a smile on your face, hasn't it?

Gore-Tex.

Keep it under your hat.

Do something about the graffiti, Mr Harden, it looks fucking awful.

Hurdle.

Yeah, good man.

Hello, everybody. Chris Stubbs here from HR.

Just a small announcement, so shut up and listen.

Basically, I'm a freak.

I will literally try anything sexual, because I can.

At the weekends, I dress up as a naughty little cheerleader

and I love it.

I'm Chris fucking Stubbs.

Now get back to work, you donkeys.

You work for me. Basically.

Mr Hurdle and Mr Coombs?

Yes.

If I'm not your dad, then we could still be friends.

Yeah.

Right, five days, then.

Yeah.

Martin!

Hiya.

I was just walking up this road.

I thought we were going to meet on the high street?

I just fancied a walk.

Steven, this is my mate, Jean.

Hello, Steven.

Jean, I've heard so much about you.

Ooh. So how did it go? The test?

Did you fill the pot?

Yeah. It was a cheek swab, Jean.

Yeah, it was very quick.

We're going for a drink, Steven. Do you want to come with us?

I think I've got to get back to the office,

it all falls apart if I'm not there.

Maybe next week, though. Maybe.

Makes sense, doesn't it? When you've got the result.

Right, Steven, speak to you soon, then.

Yep. Erm, cheers, Martin, speak soon.

He's dead cute.

Come on.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just thought we were going to meet on the high street.

Oh, did I embarrass you?

No!

He is tall, isn't he? Yeah. Ah, I hope he's yours.

I bet he's not, though, what do you think?

We've just got to wait for the results, haven't we?

Here we are, what about this place?

Nah, I'm Irish in there.

You what?

I just went in there once and started being Irish.

Irish?

Yeah. Used to work with this Michael bloke, he had a great voice.

Anyway, I went in there and the landlord started talking to me

and Michael's voice just popped out.

How often do you go in there and pretend to be Irish?

Tuesday night's quiz night and sometimes Friday.

It's a great craic in there, so it is.

That's a bit fuckin' weird, Martin.

Yeah.

Quiz night?

If I didn't know who my dad was

and it turned out to be this guy, I would be disappointed.

Well, he does have a pretty crappy car.

Really, and he spends all day picking up trash, is that good?

Well, no, but, you know, someone's got to do it,

ones man's trash is another man's treasure.

Really, is that how you're going to go?

God, there's no need to be such a dick.

Really? And you're making me out to be the bad guy?

I don't know. I'm not being paranoid!

Why would they want an arm measurement?

It's got to be like for new jackets and shit.

Probably.

Well, how long have you had yours for?

Seven years.

That's got to be it.

Hang on, you've been here seven years?

Yup.

Shit, man, if I'm still here in seven years,

someone better put me out of my misery.

Our planet is the only planet

in our solar system to sustain life, and it does so in abundance.

Look at what mankind has built itself, its big glittery ball

of nonsenses, towers and offices full of people working

all hours for other people that neither notice them nor give a shit.

Clicking away on mouses that aren't even mouses

or painting never-ending walls.

And it goes on and on, life spawning new life,

new people in their little cars, driving away.

Steven, hello.

It's your dad.