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1
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And now, this is the moment you've all been waiting for.
2
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It's Tom Boyden out of New York City.
3
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He is the reigning, defending, undisputed heavyweight champion of the world.
4
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The one, the only, the infamous Andrei Shulgin!
5
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That's how you start a fucking show right there, bud.
6
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All right.
7
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Let's see what we're working with.
What's up, y'all?
8
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Is that yours right there, bro?
9
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Latina?
10
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Okay.
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You gotta be careful with her.
12
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You on birth control?
13
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Maybe, maybe not.
14
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Now, you need certified yes from them, okay?
15
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,328
Don't fuck with that pull-out method with Latinas.
16
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:04,333
You come on a Latin girl's stomach, her belly button just opens up and takes that shit in, dawg.
17
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Like fucking hungry, hungry hippos in there, dawg.
18
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You gotta come on her back.
19
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That's why they call them wetbacks.
20
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,133
Now, guys.
Guys.
21
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Everybody.
Everybody.
22
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We're just getting started, guys.
23
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,723
We're just getting started, okay?
24
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,978
What's up, white boys?
25
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,023
How was storming the Capitol?
26
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Good?
27
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,278
You know they were there early, too, huh?
28
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,948
Day early, just tailgating and shit.
29
00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:42,538
I'm not gonna lie, y'all.
30
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,586
I miss Trump, man.
31
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,007
Not like that.
32
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Calm down, QAnon.
33
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Fucking...
34
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,096
It's a comedy special, not a Cracker Barrel.
Relax, lady.
35
00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:00,264
Fucking...
36
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,183
I'm not talking about the politics, okay?
37
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,309
But the entertainment?
38
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,019
Was that you, Indian girl?
39
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:07,771
Oh, shit.
40
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I was about to say.
41
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,150
You putting a non in QAnon for sure, right there.
42
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,281
Can we just be honest?
43
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,574
It was entertaining as fuck?
44
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:20,868
Right?
45
00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:23,203
Like, for four years, he had our group chats on fire.
46
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:24,371
It was unbelievable.
47
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,542
You don't miss those texts, like, in the middle of the night from your boy, like, yo, turn on the news.
48
00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:31,211
He's making fun of cripple people.
You're like, there's no fucking way.
49
00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:32,254
There's no fucking way.
50
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,839
He's the president of the United States of America.
51
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,048
It's not me watching Breaking Bad.
52
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:38,343
There's no way he's making fun of cripple people.
53
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,096
You turn on the news.
Dang!
54
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,766
Full T-Rex, dog.
55
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,310
You know what?
56
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,103
Cocked his shit.
Dropped it.
57
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:50,272
Beating his chest like Matthew McConaughey, bro.
58
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,442
It was every week.
59
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,028
You remember that shit?
Yo, turn on the news.
60
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,446
He's shooting paper towels at Puerto Ricans.
61
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:58,864
You're like, there's no fucking way.
62
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,115
There's no fucking way.
63
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,326
This is impossible.
Okay?
64
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,369
They just had a hurricane.
They're sitting in four feet of water.
65
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:09,458
There's no way he went down there and shot the paper towels at these poor Puerto Ricans.
66
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,168
You turn on the news.
Jab step.
67
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,377
Fade away!
68
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,635
I don't care what your politics is.
69
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,261
But it was an unbelievable time.
70
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,387
Can we agree on that?
71
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,806
It was an unbelievable time.
72
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,726
And now we got Biden.
73
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,478
And...
74
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,316
What a fucking snooze fest this guy is, dude.
75
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,276
He's boring.
76
00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,320
I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's fucking boring.
77
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,113
Okay?
Be honest.
78
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,574
Is there anybody here who loves Joe Biden?
79
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:43,825
We have any Taliban in here?
80
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Is there anybody?
81
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:48,580
You're a Taliban?
82
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:50,791
Go home, bro.
83
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You're free.
84
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,293
You got your country back.
85
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,255
You're not really Taliban.
86
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,424
You're just Afghani.
You're from Pakistan.
87
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That's not even the same shit, you racist motherfucker.
88
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:07,349
Who is this black dude cosigning everything you're doing?
89
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,104
What the fuck is going on up there?
90
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,606
Wait a minute.
Are you black?
91
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,732
Or are you where he's from?
92
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,068
You're from Somalia.
93
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,236
Hey!
94
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,572
Hey!
95
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,824
I just changed up once you got over here.
That's a fact.
96
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,493
You got them braces.
97
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,995
You are not the captain now!
98
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,538
You fucking...
99
00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:33,876
That motherfucker was Captain Crunch.
100
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,794
Did you see the teeth in that fucker's face?
101
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,304
I'm just saying he's fucking boring.
102
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:46,805
Like, be honest with me right now.
103
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:50,100
Do any of you love Joe Biden?
104
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,019
No.
105
00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:53,729
Why?
106
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:54,938
Biden ain't got no merch.
107
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Like, why?
108
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,653
That's how I judge presidents now.
109
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,864
Bro, can you move merch or can you not?
110
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,867
Because Trump had merch, bro.
111
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,076
That MAGA hat was iconic.
112
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,246
Bro, that was white people's teardrop tattoo.
113
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That's what that was.
114
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:18,545
You saw a white dude with that hat, you were like, YAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
115
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,380
HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK!
116
00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,681
That hat is the last thing you put on your body before you leave the house.
117
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It's so easy not to wear it.
118
00:06:32,935 --> 00:06:36,772
But some people look at that hat like, how difficult do I want my day to be?
119
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Fuck it, I choose violence today.
120
00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,115
I used to love seeing that hat in the wild, bro.
121
00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,035
Because I'm from New York, nobody ever has that hat.
122
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You never see a MAGA hat in New York.
123
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,413
So when I'm on the road, I'm just waiting for it.
124
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,876
Because the energy around the hat was amazing.
Right?
125
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:03,841
Because the people that wear the MAGA hat, I don't know if you noticed this, but they're always in the best mood, smiling ear to ear, just dancing.
126
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Just cheesed up.
127
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:11,473
Because the hat does all the shit talk.
Right?
128
00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:13,600
They just walk around like, hey Hector, how you doing?
129
00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,978
But the hat's like, we're building a fucking wall, Hector!
130
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We're building a fucking wall, bro!
MAGA!
131
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Make amigos go away, Hector!
132
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You know what this is!
133
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:32,077
I remember the first time I saw a MAGA hat confrontation.
134
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,414
And these are the best.
135
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I'm talking about in real life.
136
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,168
I'm not talking about on Twitter.
137
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I'm talking about real life MAGA hat confrontation.
138
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I was in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
139
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And I saw...
140
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,801
Okay.
141
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,137
I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
142
00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:51,388
Actually, you know, I'm lying.
143
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,848
I was actually in East St.
Paul.
144
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But nobody knows what that is.
145
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:57,728
So I said Minneapolis.
146
00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,646
But I had to be honest with you right now.
147
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:02,149
Even though this is a fucking special taping.
148
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,151
Now we gotta edit around the whole goddamn thing.
149
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:06,653
Fucking leave it in!
150
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,280
Leave it in!
151
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,907
There's a piece of shit in the balcony.
152
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,284
I had to say, yeah, Minnesota.
153
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,495
And I can't lie to you people.
154
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,080
Okay?
155
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,249
I was in fucking New Brunswick, New Jersey.
156
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,254
I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
157
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,048
Okay?
158
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,470
And I'm at a Baskin-Robbins.
Okay?
159
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,722
And I saw a dude wearing a MAGA hat.
160
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,809
And the fun thing about it was...
He wasn't ordering ice cream.
161
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:40,395
He was working at Baskin-Robbins.
162
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Okay?
163
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,776
And he wasn't a GM.
He wasn't Baskin.
164
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:46,818
He wasn't Robbins.
165
00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:53,116
He's just a regular minimum wage employee serving up ice cream MAGA, bro.
166
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,577
Just staring at people.
167
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,037
Vanilla only today!
168
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:58,497
Just...
169
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,709
Ain't gonna be no rainbow, no chocolate.
170
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:03,794
Nothing!
171
00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:08,090
Just pure Christian vanilla ice cream.
172
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,845
The way God intended ice cream and countries to be made.
173
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,350
So I'm staring at this dude.
174
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,935
I'm like, yeah, this is going down.
This is the guy.
175
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,812
Something's gonna happen.
Right?
176
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,190
All of a sudden, this couple walks into the Baskin-Robbins.
177
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,485
And the couple is wearing matching Vikings outfits.
178
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:29,611
Head-to-toe Vikings.
179
00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:30,696
Okay?
180
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:32,322
It's July.
181
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,242
It's not even pre-season.
182
00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:36,285
These are bonafide lunatics.
183
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,870
These people just walking around town.
184
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,330
Full Vikings outfits.
Right?
185
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,748
The couple walks in.
186
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:45,961
The girl in the Viking couple starts to get a little upset when she sees the MAGA hat.
187
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,714
I don't know what she's saying, but I know it's white woman rage.
188
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:49,923
I know what it is.
189
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,675
I got a white fiancé.
190
00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,093
I know about this stuff.
Okay?
191
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,345
There's a problem that has nothing to do with me.
192
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:56,430
I need to solve it.
Right?
193
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,514
It's just...
194
00:09:58,891 --> 00:10:00,100
You're offended.
I'm bored.
195
00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:01,310
Let's do something about it.
196
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,105
I need to stand up for my black friends I don't have.
197
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,273
No.
198
00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:11,987
So...
199
00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:19,703
All of a sudden, the girl Viking breaks away from her boyfriend, beelines it for the MAGA hat.
200
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:26,001
Dude walks right up to him and goes, How the fuck could you wear that hat?
201
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,254
Immediately, I'm like, he's shooting this bitch.
202
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,131
This bitch is dead.
203
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,091
She don't even know it.
That's Second Amendment.
204
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,134
She is fucking dead.
205
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,636
I got my phone out landscape.
206
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,304
I'm ready.
207
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,640
You think I'm missing this?
208
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,768
I zoomed out .5.
209
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:47,981
Some of y'all got Android phones, YouTube port even understand what that is.
Okay?
210
00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:49,483
Get a real phone like an adult.
211
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,651
All right?
212
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:52,819
Stop fucking up the group chat with your green text.
213
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,029
We don't appreciate.
214
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,032
WhatsApp, we don't care about your little third world group chats.
215
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,075
Okay?
216
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,536
What you discussin' over there?
217
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,995
They build a well in your hometown?
218
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,211
I'm fucking ready to go.
219
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:15,175
I'm so wide, I'm gonna get the bullet leaving the gun and entering her forehead.
220
00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:16,927
I'm posting it.
I'm viral.
221
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,929
It's over.
It's a wrap.
222
00:11:20,264 --> 00:11:22,349
This chick keeps on laying in on this dude.
223
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:23,892
She's fucking screaming at him.
224
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,143
You know what those hats stand for?
225
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,062
For the disrespect of women.
226
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,815
You know what those hats stand for?
227
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,525
For the mistreatment of women.
228
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,486
You know what those hats stand for?
229
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:36,071
For the abuse of women.
230
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,284
And I'm just looking at this chick like...
231
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,036
You're wearing a Viking outfit.
232
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:52,129
I don't know if you're familiar with Viking history.
233
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:56,049
But they were the first grab-em-by-the-pussy people.
234
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:02,431
Literally all they did for thousands of years was just sail around the world grabbing pussies.
235
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,642
And we're so crazy, we named a football team after them.
236
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,354
We would never have a team called the Colorado Cosbys.
237
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,480
You know, that's...
238
00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:18,030
I'm not gonna lie, that'd be a fun game to announce, though.
239
00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:22,242
Looks like another come-from-behind victory for the Cosbys this weekend.
240
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,121
It's like every time they catch him sleeping.
241
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,164
Jim, do you notice this?
242
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:28,999
Just keep catching him sleeping.
243
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:33,462
It's good to see him spike in end zones, not cocktails, though.
244
00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,422
I will say that's an improvement for the Cosbys.
245
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:43,847
So I'm looking at this chick like...
I'm looking at this Viking twat, and I'm just like...
246
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,517
I should be hating her, okay?
247
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,977
But I'm actually so jealous.
248
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:56,485
Because I'm like, I wish I could walk around that oblivious toward a complete hypocrite I am.
249
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,904
I know I'm a hypocrite.
250
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,406
I gotta deal with that shit every day.
251
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,534
That's taxing.
252
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:07,204
Michael Jackson comes on, and I gotta settle that debt.
253
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:12,459
I love the music, but he touches toddlers, right?
254
00:13:13,752 --> 00:13:15,420
Like, we know he does it.
255
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,508
Wait a minute, do some of y'all think...
256
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,096
How many of y'all think Michael Jackson did not touch those kids?
257
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,516
Be honest.
I'd rather you be honest.
258
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,393
We got another one?
Okay, okay.
259
00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:33,105
I wish...
I wish I could be you.
260
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:37,150
Every time Mike comes on, you get to listen to King of Pop.
261
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,986
While I'm listening to King of Pop and Cherries.
262
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,445
You know how fucking lucky you are?
263
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,947
You know how lucky you are?
264
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,156
You get to do that?
265
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:47,035
I have to be honest with my feelings, okay?
266
00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:48,245
Here's the reality, okay?
267
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,582
I feel like Michael Jackson touched those kids.
268
00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:57,045
But I also feel like he didn't touch enough kids for me to stop listening to his music.
269
00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:59,173
I do feel that way.
270
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,717
I'm not proud of that, but that is the way I feel, okay?
271
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:05,429
You could probably feed him 10, 12 more, and I'm gonna keep listening to that shit.
272
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,847
Every single time it comes on.
273
00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:08,182
Do you remember?
274
00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:09,308
No, I don't.
275
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,767
Not at all.
276
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:11,852
Keep on going, Mike.
277
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,187
Do your fucking thing, okay?
278
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,650
I know I'm wrong to have these feelings, by the way.
279
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,528
I've tried to change these feelings, okay?
280
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,822
I watched that documentary about them snitching ass kids.
281
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,532
I watched it.
I did watch it.
282
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,034
I watched it, okay?
283
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,493
I'm starting with the man in the mirror, alright?
284
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,745
I'm trying to change his ways.
285
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,080
I watched him.
286
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:34,166
I watched him fucking crying the whole documentary.
287
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:38,504
I was molested by my hero.
288
00:14:40,339 --> 00:14:42,424
You lucky son of a bitch.
289
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:45,719
Your hero?
290
00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,930
That's a best-case scenario molest, is it not?
291
00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:52,100
Most people getting diddled by their bus driver, not their hero.
292
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,269
Your hero.
293
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,688
My hero growing up was Michael Jordan.
294
00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:09,159
If Michael Jordan molested me...
295
00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:11,703
I could walk it off.
296
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:17,709
Probably in the freshest Jordans you ever seen in your life.
297
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,588
Hey, bro, where you get them shits, man?
298
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:22,631
You too old for these, dawg.
299
00:15:22,673 --> 00:15:23,715
Don't even worry about it.
300
00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,927
They only got decent youth sizes, homie.
301
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:40,065
But I said to myself, I'm watching this documentary up until I find out what Mike did to those kids.
302
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,526
Because once I find out what he did to the kids, that's it.
303
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,278
I can't like him anymore.
304
00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:45,487
I can't even listen to music anymore.
305
00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:48,407
Once I find out what he did to the kids, and then I will move on.
306
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,449
I'm done with Mike.
307
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:54,830
I got to the point, and basically they said that Michael Jackson licked their asshole.
308
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,094
And what I found out about me is...
309
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:17,519
that's not enough.
310
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,524
A licked asshole?
311
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,484
That's cleaning.
312
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:25,736
Can we be honest here?
313
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:27,070
That right there?
314
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,407
You got your ass cleaned by Michael Jackson.
315
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,452
That's a Billie Jean bidet, you ungrateful bastard.
316
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:38,457
You got your asshole licked by the greatest asshole licker in history.
317
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:45,923
Michael Jackson literally shaved down his nose, so he could get deeper in those boys' asses.
318
00:16:47,925 --> 00:16:50,427
Do you remember MJ by the time he died?
319
00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:52,095
He looked like Voldemort, okay?
320
00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:55,974
Just flat face with three holes in it like a bowling ball.
321
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:57,518
Just head banging boy booties.
322
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:04,024
I'm just saying, we have to put things in perspective.
323
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,985
A licked asshole from your hero.
324
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,540
If Michael Jordan...
325
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,592
If Michael Jeffrey Jordan...
326
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,513
took that glorious tongue of his...
327
00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:36,431
You know the tongue.
328
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:47,943
If he took that tongue and attacked my rim the way he attacked rims in the league...
329
00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:53,490
If he grabbed my hips and shattered my backboard...
330
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,285
Are you kidding me?
331
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:57,411
I'd be honored.
332
00:17:58,412 --> 00:17:59,997
That's not even gay, he's the GOAT.
333
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,249
That's bestiality.
I'm still proud of it.
334
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:06,628
That would be the crowning achievement of my childhood.
335
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,257
Michael Jordan licked my asshole.
336
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,219
Played that night and dropped 39 points.
337
00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,140
I'm the reason he had the flu.
338
00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:27,774
Oh, you had some bad pizza, Mike?
339
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,026
Yeah, pizza this ass.
340
00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:31,320
Why don't you be honest with the people, okay?
341
00:18:32,029 --> 00:18:33,363
We filmed it and everything.
342
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:34,573
We're calling it Face Jam.
343
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,534
Tell the truth about what happened that night.
344
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:44,791
How you guys doing?
345
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:46,877
Good.
346
00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:47,920
What's up, Bill?
347
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,755
- Hi.
- Hi.
348
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,175
Just saying hi, you know?
349
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,010
How long you guys been together?
350
00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:57,429
- Almost three years.
- Almost three years?
351
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:58,597
Good shit.
352
00:18:58,764 --> 00:18:59,765
He said almost.
353
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:04,311
What were you doing in the beginning, yo?
354
00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:07,439
You throwing that coochie around Austin?
355
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:08,524
What's going on here?
356
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,818
Oh, you're engaged and everything.
357
00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:13,529
Oh, congratulations.
358
00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,990
You get married, you guys move in together, you learn a lot of shit.
359
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,576
I learned a lot of shit about my girl when we moved in together.
360
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,620
I learned she's a fucking psychopath.
361
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,541
Just based on her Netflix queue, that's it.
362
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:30,546
I turn on her Netflix, it's just every type of serial killer documentary you could imagine.
363
00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:35,801
There's a guy who kills nuns, guy who kills hookers, guy who kills kids, cooking show.
364
00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:41,765
Who watches six hours of serial killers and then British Bake Off to wash it down?
365
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,895
How many of you ladies in here enjoy serial killer shows?
366
00:19:49,398 --> 00:19:51,900
This is why you don't like sports, I just want to let you know.
367
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,028
Sports aren't violent enough for you.
368
00:19:56,488 --> 00:20:01,326
You'll be watching football, you see someone unconscious on the ground and you're like, okay, but why is no one raping him?
369
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,287
What's going on?
What's going on here?
370
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:06,832
I mean, you already have a mask and gloves on, no one's gonna know it's you.
371
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,375
Put a dick in that fucking man.
372
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:10,377
Make this entertaining, please.
373
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,382
It's unbelievable.
374
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,926
And you know the craziest thing about it?
375
00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:24,558
You ladies will watch serial killers and fucking rapists all the time and it won't change your behavior at all.
376
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:26,560
This is some real shit.
377
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:30,856
She watches a documentary about this dude who would rape women who were jogging in a park at night, right?
378
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:33,442
Horrifying, tragic, right?
379
00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:39,907
After watching the documentary, she went for a jog in a fucking park.
380
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,786
Bro, women are way braver than men.
381
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:46,538
It's not even close to...
382
00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:53,420
...If a single man in history was jogging in the park and got raped?
383
00:20:55,339 --> 00:20:58,050
We're not even jogging on treadmills no more after that.
384
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,761
Cardio's out the fucking equation.
385
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,266
You pull up to the gym, you see your boy in the elliptical, you're like, Fam, get the fuck off that shit!
386
00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:08,268
They raping dudes these days!
387
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,271
Find a bench where your asshole's protected!
388
00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:16,860
Definitely don't go on that rowing machine, you're just teasing them on that rowing machine.
389
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,991
And that's a fucked up headline, too.
390
00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:24,117
Nobody ever talks about that.
391
00:21:24,159 --> 00:21:25,327
But jogger rape?
392
00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:27,871
That's a fucked up headline, yo.
393
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,915
Don't ever let that be a headline with me.
394
00:21:29,957 --> 00:21:31,750
Schultz was raped jogging in a park at night.
395
00:21:32,751 --> 00:21:34,670
Schultz was raped jogging in a park at night.
396
00:21:35,587 --> 00:21:36,839
Motherfucker, rest assured...
397
00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:40,217
I was running as fast as I could.
398
00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:45,931
Who's jogging, yo?
399
00:21:47,099 --> 00:21:48,433
You don't think I'm hitting the high knees?
400
00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:49,726
I got a rapist behind me, bro!
401
00:21:50,435 --> 00:21:53,689
There's a butt-naked man with running shoes chasing me in a motherfucking park!
402
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:57,109
I can hear his feet hitting the ground, dick slapping against his stomach!
403
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,406
You don't think I'm tapping turbo a couple times?
404
00:22:03,949 --> 00:22:06,702
Schultz was running as fast as humanly possible...
405
00:22:07,286 --> 00:22:09,329
when an Olympic rapist...
406
00:22:10,539 --> 00:22:12,666
a gold medalist from the Rape Olympics...
407
00:22:12,708 --> 00:22:15,377
...he's probably Jamaican, they the fastest anyway...
408
00:22:15,419 --> 00:22:22,467
...a Jamaican gold medalist from the Rape Olympics hawked him down and took that ass against his will even though he fought valiantly!
409
00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:24,469
That's your headline.
410
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:25,971
You print the whole shit or nothing at all.
411
00:22:26,013 --> 00:22:27,681
My fucking family reads the newspaper.
412
00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:31,602
How am I supposed to go to Thanksgiving and my whole family look at me like...
413
00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:34,188
...yo, don't pass him the stuff and he already had enough stuff.
414
00:22:35,439 --> 00:22:38,400
I gotta bring the Jamaican rapist to dinner to clear my name, yo.
415
00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:41,570
Donovan, tell them what really happened in the park, yo.
They don't believe me.
416
00:22:41,612 --> 00:22:43,322
Tell them what really fucking happened in the park.
417
00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:44,364
Please, tell them!
418
00:22:46,450 --> 00:22:49,745
My mom was running as fast as humanly possible.
419
00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:54,082
Some might even say it was cooler running in that park.
420
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:56,960
But I made them feel the rhythm.
421
00:22:58,295 --> 00:22:59,421
Feel the ride.
422
00:23:00,339 --> 00:23:02,716
I got you white boy, it's buttfuck time.
423
00:23:08,639 --> 00:23:09,848
Y'all are cool, man.
424
00:23:13,310 --> 00:23:14,436
Y'all are cool.
425
00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:20,734
It is a weird thing though, man.
426
00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,319
Ladies, why are you so obsessed with the series?
427
00:23:22,361 --> 00:23:23,362
Serial killer shit.
428
00:23:24,947 --> 00:23:26,114
Oh, cause the guy's hot.
429
00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:27,741
Ted Bundy.
430
00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:30,994
This is good that you said that.
431
00:23:32,663 --> 00:23:37,918
I'm really glad you brought up Ted Bundy cause I asked my girl to play a serial killer thing and we watched two together.
432
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,256
The first one we watched I turned off cause it was the female serial killer, Eileen Wuornos, you know her?
433
00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:45,259
Killed three people, which is like some affirmative action bullshit.
434
00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:48,637
Three people, you're not a serial killer.
435
00:23:48,679 --> 00:23:49,680
That's a DUI, sweetheart.
436
00:23:49,847 --> 00:23:51,181
Give it a rest.
Okay?
437
00:23:51,515 --> 00:23:52,850
That's a recall on broccoli.
438
00:23:52,975 --> 00:23:53,976
Three people.
439
00:23:54,601 --> 00:23:56,854
Mother Teresa killed more than three people.
Okay?
440
00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:58,105
Sit down.
441
00:24:00,858 --> 00:24:02,526
Next one she put on was Ted Bundy.
442
00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:05,237
And...
443
00:24:05,529 --> 00:24:09,491
He's the GOAT.
444
00:24:09,533 --> 00:24:11,910
He's the greatest serial killer of all time.
It's undeniable.
445
00:24:11,952 --> 00:24:12,953
And I'll tell you why.
446
00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:14,371
It's not cause he killed 50 women.
447
00:24:14,413 --> 00:24:15,747
That's easy.
Anybody could do that.
448
00:24:15,789 --> 00:24:16,790
That's...
449
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:20,085
I could kill 50 women with a pair of Lululemon pants.
450
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:21,336
That's light work.
451
00:24:22,421 --> 00:24:24,339
Hey, they're giving out free Lulu's in the alley.
452
00:24:24,381 --> 00:24:25,924
Yeah, yeah.
Let's fuck it.
453
00:24:27,968 --> 00:24:30,470
I play Whack-a-Megan for 30 minutes.
I got 50 bodies.
454
00:24:30,554 --> 00:24:32,097
That's light.
455
00:24:32,181 --> 00:24:33,974
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
456
00:24:35,267 --> 00:24:39,980
The reason he's so prolific is cause he killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle.
457
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,482
I'm gonna say that again.
458
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,401
Cause that is impressive.
459
00:24:45,152 --> 00:24:49,990
He killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle.
Okay?
460
00:24:50,282 --> 00:24:51,700
Some of y'all drive Teslas.
461
00:24:51,742 --> 00:24:53,118
Can't get no pussy, dorks.
462
00:24:55,245 --> 00:24:56,705
The doors open by themselves.
463
00:24:56,914 --> 00:24:58,415
Never a woman's legs, huh, you losers?
464
00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:01,668
My car is electric.
465
00:25:01,877 --> 00:25:03,295
So is your fleshlight, virgin.
466
00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:04,630
Shut the fuck up about it.
467
00:25:08,592 --> 00:25:09,801
I'm watching this documentary.
468
00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:12,638
I'm like, yo, thank God this motherfucker didn't drive a Porsche, bro.
469
00:25:13,639 --> 00:25:16,767
We might not have any women left in America if he was driving a Porsche.
470
00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:18,685
A Porsche?
Are you kidding me?
471
00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:24,858
Only reason I finished the documentary is cause I need to know the pickup line he was using to get these women into a tan Volkswagen Beetle.
472
00:25:25,192 --> 00:25:26,235
That's a valuable line.
473
00:25:26,318 --> 00:25:29,404
I might have a son one day and I'm gonna give him that shit instead of a car.
474
00:25:31,949 --> 00:25:34,409
I get to the point in the documentary where they share the line.
475
00:25:34,451 --> 00:25:39,665
I will tell you guys the line tonight if you want me to tell y'all.
Okay.
476
00:25:39,748 --> 00:25:40,749
On one condition.
477
00:25:41,166 --> 00:25:44,461
Ladies, please control your pussies when I say this shit.
Please.
478
00:25:44,837 --> 00:25:46,588
I know how powerful this line is.
479
00:25:46,713 --> 00:25:47,714
Do a Kegel.
480
00:25:47,756 --> 00:25:49,424
Just lock your shit up.
Okay?
481
00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:52,719
Cause I don't want y'all soaking up and sliding off your fucking seats.
482
00:25:55,347 --> 00:25:56,473
Okay, this is a problem.
483
00:25:56,598 --> 00:25:57,599
Alright?
484
00:25:59,184 --> 00:26:01,103
He would walk out of the worst car ever made.
485
00:26:03,272 --> 00:26:05,566
Walk up to a woman he's never met in his life.
486
00:26:06,108 --> 00:26:07,526
And he'd go, excuse me, miss.
487
00:26:08,318 --> 00:26:09,361
My car broke down.
488
00:26:10,863 --> 00:26:12,531
Do you think you could help me fix it?
489
00:26:21,707 --> 00:26:24,668
What I said to my girl was, this is disgusting.
490
00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:28,672
The way he's taking advantage of their kindness and goodwill.
491
00:26:30,007 --> 00:26:35,345
What I felt burning inside of me was, these chicks deserve to die.
492
00:26:35,554 --> 00:26:36,555
Okay?
493
00:26:37,139 --> 00:26:38,473
They had it coming.
494
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:39,808
Can you fix my car?
495
00:26:40,934 --> 00:26:42,769
Ladies, you can't fix a car.
496
00:26:44,104 --> 00:26:45,647
You can't park a car.
497
00:26:45,689 --> 00:26:47,232
How the fuck are you gonna fix the car?
498
00:26:48,025 --> 00:26:49,109
It's 1970.
499
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:50,944
I don't even think you were working yet.
500
00:26:50,986 --> 00:26:52,321
You definitely weren't mechanics.
501
00:26:57,367 --> 00:27:00,245
Craziest part of that whole documentary they barely even touched on.
502
00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:09,588
And that is, of all the women that Bundy fucked and killed, there was actually one woman that he fucked, didn't kill, kept fucking.
503
00:27:11,048 --> 00:27:13,675
And this chick gotta be walking around now like, damn.
504
00:27:16,178 --> 00:27:18,138
This pussy amazing, y'all.
505
00:27:18,180 --> 00:27:19,181
This shit, wow.
506
00:27:19,598 --> 00:27:21,099
Aha.
507
00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:24,436
He killed you bitches?
That's crazy.
508
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,189
That's so different.
That's so different.
509
00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:29,274
- He made me breakfast.
- He made you dead, bitch?
510
00:27:30,734 --> 00:27:32,444
You better check your pH, sweetheart.
511
00:27:32,569 --> 00:27:33,695
Your shit was woofing.
512
00:27:34,905 --> 00:27:36,406
You had that woof, baby.
513
00:27:36,532 --> 00:27:38,534
- I got that whop.
- Get it together.
514
00:27:45,415 --> 00:27:46,959
Ugh. That's all.
Nothing else.
515
00:27:47,084 --> 00:27:50,170
I just wanna make someone feel good for a second.
516
00:27:50,254 --> 00:27:51,380
Can I just make him feel good?
517
00:27:51,421 --> 00:27:52,506
Who's that guy next to you?
518
00:27:53,382 --> 00:27:54,925
Don't know him?
Okay.
519
00:27:55,133 --> 00:27:56,593
Which GameStop do you manage?
520
00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:05,227
That's fucked up.
521
00:28:05,269 --> 00:28:07,646
Shit just pops in our head, and we can't say it.
522
00:28:08,438 --> 00:28:12,776
You ever have a thought so fucked up, you're like, damn, bro, I didn't even know I was capable of that shit.
523
00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:20,993
Bro, the other day, my girl, uh, my girl said we need to get an ottoman, which is like the most fucking fiance thing to do.
524
00:28:21,034 --> 00:28:22,703
We need, we need to get an ottoman.
525
00:28:23,370 --> 00:28:26,331
God forbid we sit on a couch with our feet on the ground like peasants.
526
00:28:26,415 --> 00:28:27,958
God forbid.
Right?
527
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,001
We need an ottoman.
528
00:28:29,042 --> 00:28:31,962
So when I wake up to piss in the night, I have someone to slam my shins into.
529
00:28:32,004 --> 00:28:33,005
We need the ottoman.
530
00:28:34,715 --> 00:28:36,300
So we're at Cranberry, right?
531
00:28:36,550 --> 00:28:37,759
I'm just wandering around.
532
00:28:37,885 --> 00:28:39,136
I look over my left shoulder.
533
00:28:39,261 --> 00:28:41,555
I see this Middle Eastern dude standing on this carpet.
534
00:28:41,972 --> 00:28:42,973
Now...
535
00:28:47,978 --> 00:28:49,605
I don't say anything, okay?
536
00:28:50,147 --> 00:28:51,940
I'm not gonna say a single fucking thing.
537
00:28:52,024 --> 00:28:54,610
I just looked over and went, that's the best I could do.
538
00:28:55,027 --> 00:28:56,612
That's knee-jerk.
That's a reflex.
539
00:28:56,945 --> 00:28:58,572
I see a Middle Eastern dude on a carpet?
540
00:28:58,697 --> 00:29:00,073
I'm gonna chuckle, dude.
I'm sorry.
541
00:29:00,324 --> 00:29:03,368
I gave it a huh-huh and I shut it down real quick.
Okay?
542
00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:06,580
Because that guy is there just so he could furnish his apartment.
543
00:29:06,622 --> 00:29:10,584
It doesn't matter that I think he's about to take off on that fucking thing.
Okay?
544
00:29:10,876 --> 00:29:12,294
I was 100% certain.
545
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:16,423
At one point in time, he bends over to check the price and curls the front of the carpet.
546
00:29:16,757 --> 00:29:19,134
I was like, oh, he is outta here!
547
00:29:21,094 --> 00:29:22,971
What the hell's the security guard gonna do?
548
00:29:23,055 --> 00:29:24,223
He don't got a chance, bro.
549
00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:26,016
He went under the hood.
550
00:29:26,058 --> 00:29:28,769
It's about to be Fast and the Furious, Arabian Nights in this bitch.
551
00:29:29,478 --> 00:29:30,479
He is gone!
552
00:29:31,939 --> 00:29:33,023
But I didn't say anything.
553
00:29:33,106 --> 00:29:34,441
I kept it in here.
Okay?
554
00:29:34,566 --> 00:29:37,027
Because it's not life or death.
Okay?
555
00:29:37,069 --> 00:29:39,738
If it's not a life or death situation, you keep that shit in here.
556
00:29:40,447 --> 00:29:51,875
Now, don't get me wrong, if we're on the edge of a cliff and it's me, a carpet, and a Middle Eastern dude, and a pack of hyenas is closing in on us, there might be some words exchanged.
557
00:29:51,917 --> 00:29:52,918
Okay?
558
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,378
I'm not gonna be too direct about it.
559
00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:58,257
I'll probably be like, what do you think we should do to get out of this predicament?
560
00:29:58,340 --> 00:30:00,342
Middle Eastern guy?
Next to the carpet?
561
00:30:01,051 --> 00:30:02,678
He's looking at me like, the fuck you want me to do?
562
00:30:02,719 --> 00:30:04,972
There's a whole pack of hyenas.
I'm like, motherfucker, there's a whole new world.
563
00:30:05,013 --> 00:30:07,975
If we just get on this goddamn carpet and go to safety.
564
00:30:08,183 --> 00:30:09,643
Show me the world.
Okay?
565
00:30:10,310 --> 00:30:11,436
You've seen the movie too.
566
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,063
It's a two-seater.
We can fit on this bitch.
567
00:30:13,105 --> 00:30:14,231
Show me the goddamn world.
568
00:30:16,441 --> 00:30:19,027
Life or death, you can say it.
Okay?
569
00:30:19,361 --> 00:30:21,405
Life or death, your prejudices start to come out.
570
00:30:21,446 --> 00:30:23,574
I'm not even talking about racial either.
You know what I mean?
571
00:30:23,615 --> 00:30:25,325
Like, I won't have a doctor with an underbite.
572
00:30:25,367 --> 00:30:26,368
That's a prejudice I got.
573
00:30:27,703 --> 00:30:28,704
Not gonna happen.
574
00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:31,415
I don't care if there's no correlation between the two.
575
00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:34,459
You're not gonna walk into my surgery like, okay, what are we fixing today?
576
00:30:35,836 --> 00:30:37,921
How about your jaw, you fucking bulldog?
577
00:30:38,046 --> 00:30:39,047
How dare you?
578
00:30:39,256 --> 00:30:42,050
You're gonna walk into my surgery looking like a cash register?
579
00:30:42,301 --> 00:30:43,302
Cha-ching!
580
00:30:43,343 --> 00:30:45,429
Let's put that thing back where it's supposed to be.
581
00:30:45,929 --> 00:30:48,265
Should we walk outside and collect some rainwater, asshole?
582
00:30:48,307 --> 00:30:49,975
How dare you?
583
00:30:55,314 --> 00:30:56,481
That's all I'm trying to say.
584
00:30:57,566 --> 00:31:05,782
Is sometimes life or death makes even the most offensive situation tolerable.
Okay?
585
00:31:05,991 --> 00:31:07,159
Even racist situations.
586
00:31:07,618 --> 00:31:10,370
Like, for example, blackface is wrong.
587
00:31:10,537 --> 00:31:11,538
Racist, cannot do it.
588
00:31:11,580 --> 00:31:13,540
- We agree?
- We agree.
589
00:31:13,916 --> 00:31:14,917
Okay, good.
590
00:31:17,586 --> 00:31:18,587
Blackface is wrong.
591
00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:19,671
Can't do it.
592
00:31:19,713 --> 00:31:20,714
Good.
593
00:31:20,881 --> 00:31:21,882
Cannot do it.
594
00:31:22,424 --> 00:31:23,425
Blackface is wrong.
595
00:31:28,597 --> 00:31:30,098
Well, I have to ask the blackfaces.
596
00:31:30,140 --> 00:31:31,642
I can't ask the fucking rest of y'all.
597
00:31:32,976 --> 00:31:34,770
Your opinions don't matter.
It's up to them.
598
00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:35,812
They make the rules.
599
00:31:37,773 --> 00:31:39,441
Blackface is wrong.
It's racist.
600
00:31:39,608 --> 00:31:41,360
You cannot do it.
Okay?
601
00:31:41,652 --> 00:31:42,694
Under no circumstances.
602
00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:44,571
Cannot do it.
603
00:31:45,489 --> 00:31:47,115
Then you see them Navy Seals commercials.
604
00:31:47,324 --> 00:31:48,700
You're like, all right, well, kind of.
605
00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:51,161
Sometimes you could do it.
Right?
606
00:31:51,578 --> 00:31:56,041
The whole Navy Seals commercial is like, look how cool blackface is on a helicopter.
607
00:31:57,668 --> 00:31:59,670
Look how cool blackface is on a boat.
608
00:32:00,838 --> 00:32:01,839
Blackface in the water.
609
00:32:01,922 --> 00:32:02,923
They can swim.
610
00:32:02,965 --> 00:32:04,842
I don't know if they say that.
611
00:32:04,883 --> 00:32:08,011
I might have added that part.
612
00:32:08,053 --> 00:32:09,054
That's on me.
613
00:32:09,888 --> 00:32:12,558
But I'm just saying life or death situation is changing the stakes.
614
00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:19,356
Let's say, for example, me and you, we're going on a mission to save America from high gas prices.
615
00:32:22,609 --> 00:32:25,487
When gas is like $1.50, America is very progressive.
Right?
616
00:32:25,612 --> 00:32:28,073
We're like, you have to respect all the cultures of the world.
617
00:32:28,866 --> 00:32:30,617
Gas gets to $5, we're like, yo!
618
00:32:32,452 --> 00:32:35,164
They might need some democracy out there in the Middle East, Biden.
619
00:32:35,747 --> 00:32:36,748
See this $5?
620
00:32:37,249 --> 00:32:40,085
How they make women dress like that when gas is $5, Biden?
621
00:32:40,711 --> 00:32:43,463
They just throwing gay people off buildings when gas is $5?
622
00:32:45,048 --> 00:32:46,049
Liberate those people.
623
00:32:49,178 --> 00:32:53,765
So let's say, for example, you and I are going on a mission to save America.
624
00:32:55,392 --> 00:32:57,978
The mission takes place at 1 a.m.
625
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,525
That is an important piece of the information.
626
00:33:04,735 --> 00:33:06,195
We're going to be on the call sheet.
627
00:33:08,906 --> 00:33:10,532
You have your complexion.
628
00:33:13,410 --> 00:33:16,747
I have the complexion of an iPhone flashlight.
629
00:33:19,374 --> 00:33:21,418
If you don't give me blackface, we're fucking dead.
630
00:33:22,753 --> 00:33:24,087
I'm a disco ball in the desert.
631
00:33:24,213 --> 00:33:25,589
They're going to see us from a mile away.
632
00:33:25,631 --> 00:33:27,257
It's head shots for the both of us.
633
00:33:27,382 --> 00:33:30,260
You want to see her again, you got to paint me the fuck up, bro.
634
00:33:30,677 --> 00:33:31,678
Full thing.
635
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,138
You don't have to do the lips and the tap shoes.
636
00:33:33,180 --> 00:33:35,974
That's a little bit much, but you got to paint me up.
637
00:33:36,058 --> 00:33:39,144
You got to paint me the fuck up if you want to survive.
638
00:33:39,394 --> 00:33:43,190
You're not going to let me go on that mission with you without putting on blackface for your safety.
639
00:33:43,232 --> 00:33:44,858
Just like I'm not going to let you smile.
640
00:33:44,942 --> 00:33:50,364
There's certain things, guys, there's certain things that we have to do so we get home.
641
00:33:50,447 --> 00:33:52,991
Those beautiful white teeth lighting up the night.
642
00:33:53,075 --> 00:33:54,076
I can't take that risk.
643
00:33:56,245 --> 00:34:00,374
I can see white people in the crowd looking for black people to see if it's okay to laugh at this joke.
644
00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:06,171
And the fact that you're having trouble finding them is exactly the point that I'm trying to make.
Okay?
645
00:34:06,630 --> 00:34:08,966
It's about privilege.
All right?
646
00:34:09,007 --> 00:34:11,343
I understand I have white privilege.
Okay?
647
00:34:11,510 --> 00:34:14,847
But you have night privilege and we need to bring those together.
648
00:34:17,641 --> 00:34:18,642
Don't get me wrong.
649
00:34:18,684 --> 00:34:22,020
We get pulled over on a ride home, that's where I take care of business.
650
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:27,484
I'm sorry, officer.
651
00:34:27,651 --> 00:34:28,652
Was there a problem?
652
00:34:29,736 --> 00:34:30,737
Speeding.
653
00:34:30,779 --> 00:34:31,822
Must have been my black foot.
654
00:34:31,864 --> 00:34:32,865
I'll take care of that.
655
00:34:37,703 --> 00:34:38,745
Is it fucked up?
656
00:34:38,787 --> 00:34:39,788
Yeah, I guess.
657
00:34:41,331 --> 00:34:42,332
It is.
658
00:34:42,499 --> 00:34:43,959
Is that your girlfriend right there?
659
00:34:44,042 --> 00:34:46,211
- How long you guys been together?
- Eight years.
660
00:34:46,253 --> 00:34:47,671
Eight years?
Amazing.
661
00:34:47,713 --> 00:34:48,714
Are you on birth control?
662
00:34:51,967 --> 00:34:53,093
What type are you on?
663
00:34:58,432 --> 00:34:59,433
You don't know.
664
00:35:01,435 --> 00:35:03,520
Does he just push you down the stairs once a month?
665
00:35:03,562 --> 00:35:04,688
Is that what happens to him?
666
00:35:08,734 --> 00:35:11,069
What's your birth control called?
Tumble?
667
00:35:15,574 --> 00:35:17,993
He just gives you some vitamins every morning, that's it.
668
00:35:18,076 --> 00:35:19,995
You don't know what the fuck you're taking, huh?
669
00:35:21,747 --> 00:35:22,748
Is it a pill?
670
00:35:22,831 --> 00:35:23,999
Is it like a ring?
671
00:35:24,082 --> 00:35:25,083
It's a pill.
672
00:35:25,125 --> 00:35:26,668
Okay, you went old school.
You got the pill.
673
00:35:26,710 --> 00:35:29,671
That's what's up.
Because there's a lot of birth controls out there.
674
00:35:29,713 --> 00:35:31,715
What do you think the best birth control is, ladies?
675
00:35:31,757 --> 00:35:32,966
- Plan B.
- Plan B?
676
00:35:33,133 --> 00:35:34,134
That's a good one.
677
00:35:36,261 --> 00:35:37,554
That's a good one right there.
678
00:35:39,056 --> 00:35:42,351
Guaranteed she got HPV 100%.
Guaranteed.
679
00:35:42,392 --> 00:35:43,894
But it's all good.
Most of us do.
680
00:35:43,936 --> 00:35:45,604
It is what it is.
You know what I mean?
681
00:35:45,646 --> 00:35:46,980
That's chicken pox at this point.
682
00:35:52,027 --> 00:35:53,946
You're a real one for that.
Plan B.
683
00:35:53,987 --> 00:35:56,698
Just gobbling them shits up like fucking Flintstone vitamins.
684
00:35:56,990 --> 00:35:58,200
That's what I'm talking about.
685
00:35:58,367 --> 00:35:59,701
That's a soldier right there.
686
00:36:02,079 --> 00:36:03,080
Fuck it.
Leave it in.
687
00:36:03,121 --> 00:36:04,790
I got some extra on the bedside table.
688
00:36:10,504 --> 00:36:12,089
What else?
What else, ladies?
689
00:36:12,172 --> 00:36:13,173
What else?
690
00:36:13,382 --> 00:36:14,383
IUD.
691
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:15,801
IUD?
692
00:36:16,009 --> 00:36:17,344
IUD is an interesting one.
693
00:36:17,511 --> 00:36:21,181
IUD is basically like a, there's birth control USB.
694
00:36:21,515 --> 00:36:26,395
The girls insert in their pussy and they just leave it there.
695
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,397
They just stuff it in there and leave it there.
696
00:36:28,564 --> 00:36:31,567
And then they just hope they don't fuck a black guy to knock that shit out.
697
00:36:32,734 --> 00:36:34,111
You're basically rolling the dice.
698
00:36:34,194 --> 00:36:36,572
Black dude get deep in there, he comes out a Prince Albert.
699
00:36:36,697 --> 00:36:38,824
So you got to be very careful.
Okay?
700
00:36:38,907 --> 00:36:42,911
You got jewelry on your dick after fucking these IUD chicks.
701
00:36:46,498 --> 00:36:47,666
What else?
702
00:36:47,708 --> 00:36:48,834
One more.
703
00:36:49,376 --> 00:36:50,377
Vasectomy.
704
00:36:50,419 --> 00:36:52,171
Oh, is that, did you get that?
705
00:36:53,589 --> 00:36:56,675
Bro, you look like they left Val Kilmer in a bathtub, man.
706
00:37:02,556 --> 00:37:04,516
That's a beautiful head of hair though, for sure.
707
00:37:04,808 --> 00:37:06,810
Is that yours or do you guys buy wigs together?
708
00:37:07,144 --> 00:37:08,145
Guys.
709
00:37:08,729 --> 00:37:10,981
Guys.
710
00:37:21,116 --> 00:37:22,367
She hates me now.
711
00:37:22,451 --> 00:37:23,452
Don't beat me up.
712
00:37:24,620 --> 00:37:25,621
Don't beat me up.
713
00:37:26,538 --> 00:37:29,458
I'm a good sweet boy.
Okay.
714
00:37:29,541 --> 00:37:30,959
You didn't like that one that much.
715
00:37:33,170 --> 00:37:34,379
Was it wrong though?
716
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,881
No.
717
00:37:42,387 --> 00:37:43,722
How long you guys been together?
718
00:37:44,515 --> 00:37:45,516
Four years.
719
00:37:45,557 --> 00:37:46,558
Okay, bro.
720
00:37:47,351 --> 00:37:48,602
Is he a big dick white?
721
00:37:53,941 --> 00:37:55,359
You look big dick, bro.
722
00:37:57,528 --> 00:38:01,573
You look big dick because you're the black girl and you don't even have cool sneakers on.
723
00:38:01,615 --> 00:38:04,159
So you definitely, you got something, dude.
724
00:38:04,201 --> 00:38:05,869
You're packing something there, man.
725
00:38:07,496 --> 00:38:08,705
Unbelievable, that guy, right?
726
00:38:09,998 --> 00:38:11,708
Four years, man.
God bless.
727
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,795
And you guys, a little marriage thing popping off or what?
728
00:38:15,462 --> 00:38:16,547
Oh, you're already married.
729
00:38:17,005 --> 00:38:18,173
Congratulations, kids.
730
00:38:19,216 --> 00:38:20,217
Kids.
731
00:38:20,259 --> 00:38:21,593
Oh, you made him get cut?
732
00:38:21,885 --> 00:38:23,679
Oh, that's some good pussy right there, bro.
733
00:38:25,430 --> 00:38:26,682
Nah, that happens, man.
734
00:38:27,015 --> 00:38:29,476
Come fast too many times, you gotta do something.
735
00:38:31,395 --> 00:38:33,438
That's really why birth control exists, man.
736
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,692
It's not for y'all to get pregnant so that we can get those last two pumps.
737
00:38:40,237 --> 00:38:44,491
Like, how many times has your girl been like very close and you're like, oh, fuck.
738
00:38:45,284 --> 00:38:48,036
She's like, don't come to...
739
00:38:48,078 --> 00:38:51,874
...You know who Antonio Cromartie is?
740
00:38:53,876 --> 00:38:54,877
She knows.
741
00:38:56,211 --> 00:38:59,256
Antonio Cromartie is this football player who has 17 kids.
742
00:38:59,965 --> 00:39:02,092
After his 15th kid, he got a vasectomy.
743
00:39:02,467 --> 00:39:04,094
Now, I don't know if you guys know what a vasectomy is.
744
00:39:04,136 --> 00:39:05,554
Basically, they cut the vas deferens.
745
00:39:05,596 --> 00:39:07,431
That's the highway from your balls to your penis hole.
746
00:39:07,472 --> 00:39:08,515
Right?
747
00:39:08,557 --> 00:39:11,518
And it takes the sperm from balls, but they just cut that shit.
748
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,646
And Antonio Cromartie had two more kids after the vasectomy.
749
00:39:15,230 --> 00:39:17,441
That's how athletic that motherfucker was, bro.
750
00:39:18,442 --> 00:39:20,527
His sperm were in there like Mario Kart Rainbow.
751
00:39:20,569 --> 00:39:23,197
Road, just hopping over to the next side.
752
00:39:27,701 --> 00:39:29,369
What else?
One more.
753
00:39:29,953 --> 00:39:31,079
You said to swallow?
754
00:39:31,663 --> 00:39:32,664
She's a keeper, dog.
755
00:39:32,748 --> 00:39:33,749
There it is.
756
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:38,212
She's a keeper, bro.
That's crazy.
757
00:39:38,337 --> 00:39:40,756
Usually, the people with the man bun swallow, but it's cool.
758
00:39:41,215 --> 00:39:42,216
It's cool.
759
00:39:42,257 --> 00:39:46,345
Like, it's cool that you guys have that relationship where it's equal.
760
00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:47,513
You know what I mean?
761
00:39:48,013 --> 00:39:49,640
Does sometimes he ask for a little?
762
00:39:49,681 --> 00:39:51,391
He's like, just spit a little in my mouth.
763
00:39:57,397 --> 00:39:59,274
You got to feed him like a baby bird.
764
00:39:59,399 --> 00:40:00,400
Just hep, hep, hep.
765
00:40:10,452 --> 00:40:11,453
Texas.
766
00:40:16,625 --> 00:40:17,626
Oh, Texas.
767
00:40:17,668 --> 00:40:21,713
We didn't talk about how they're taking away your Scoop Scoops, ladies.
768
00:40:26,552 --> 00:40:27,553
Ain't that fucked up?
769
00:40:27,594 --> 00:40:29,304
They trying to take away your Scoop Scoops?
770
00:40:31,056 --> 00:40:32,057
It's unbelievable.
771
00:40:32,099 --> 00:40:35,018
I just want to let y'all know right now, ladies, I am with you.
772
00:40:35,060 --> 00:40:36,520
I think it's your body, your choice.
773
00:40:36,562 --> 00:40:37,646
I agree with you on that.
774
00:40:40,107 --> 00:40:41,233
I agree with you.
775
00:40:41,316 --> 00:40:46,864
When you say that men should have no say in the decisions you make with your bodies, those are your decisions to make and yours alone.
776
00:40:47,322 --> 00:40:52,744
And I feel that way because at the end of the day, when we all go up to heaven and God's like, why are we all killing babies?
777
00:40:52,786 --> 00:40:53,996
We're going to be like, y'all.
778
00:41:01,378 --> 00:41:03,839
I think they were very clear whose decision this was, guys.
779
00:41:06,133 --> 00:41:08,093
Looks like you need to pay for your sins, babe.
780
00:41:10,220 --> 00:41:11,680
Even though I paid for your sins.
781
00:41:17,227 --> 00:41:18,228
Come on, y'all.
782
00:41:18,270 --> 00:41:20,522
Chivalry ain't dead to that baby, as you know the rules.
783
00:41:28,530 --> 00:41:29,531
Oh, man.
784
00:41:29,740 --> 00:41:30,741
Yeah, abortion.
785
00:41:33,118 --> 00:41:34,786
Abortion, abortion, abortion, man.
786
00:41:34,828 --> 00:41:35,829
It's a tricky one.
787
00:41:35,913 --> 00:41:40,209
When I was living in my old place in New York, I lived down the block from an abortion clinic.
788
00:41:40,792 --> 00:41:41,793
And, uh...
789
00:41:42,794 --> 00:41:44,087
Location, location, location.
790
00:41:46,673 --> 00:41:49,051
And no bullshit, that's the wildest place in New York.
791
00:41:49,134 --> 00:41:51,678
Like, it's a fucking carnival outside of there every single day.
792
00:41:51,887 --> 00:41:55,265
Like, people come to New York and they go to, like, Broadway plays and shit.
793
00:41:55,390 --> 00:42:02,314
They'll literally spend thousands of dollars to watch Harry Potter, the musical, when they could just stand outside the clinic and watch something really disappear.
794
00:42:09,404 --> 00:42:10,405
Fetus deleters!
795
00:42:17,830 --> 00:42:24,753
I remember one time I was walking by the clinic and I saw a father and his daughter outside and his daughter looked like she was 10 years old.
796
00:42:25,796 --> 00:42:30,300
Now, I don't want to divide the crowd politically here, uh, but for me,
797
00:42:31,593 --> 00:42:32,594
that's a little late.
798
00:42:36,890 --> 00:42:37,933
This is just me.
799
00:42:38,016 --> 00:42:39,434
I'm not putting my views on you.
800
00:42:40,227 --> 00:42:43,981
But personally, I think a fetus becomes a life around the third grade.
801
00:42:44,439 --> 00:42:46,191
That's...
I think that's a life.
802
00:42:46,316 --> 00:42:47,860
I do believe that's a life.
Okay?
803
00:42:48,152 --> 00:42:50,195
Maybe we could roll it back a few years from there.
804
00:42:50,237 --> 00:42:52,656
But definitely, if you could spell abortion, we don't abort you.
805
00:42:52,698 --> 00:42:54,825
That's just the rule that I have in my book.
806
00:42:54,950 --> 00:42:55,951
Okay?
807
00:42:56,910 --> 00:42:59,246
So naturally, I'm like, yo, I gotta save this girl's life.
808
00:43:00,831 --> 00:43:02,541
I walk over, I get a little closer.
809
00:43:02,624 --> 00:43:05,210
Turns out, he wasn't aborting his daughter.
810
00:43:05,335 --> 00:43:06,336
Thank God.
811
00:43:07,087 --> 00:43:11,508
Uh, what he was actually doing was protesting the abortion clinic.
812
00:43:11,633 --> 00:43:14,219
And I'd never seen this shit before in real life.
It was crazy.
813
00:43:14,261 --> 00:43:16,555
Like, he's, like, heckling these girls as they go in.
814
00:43:16,847 --> 00:43:19,516
You know, he's just screaming up there, you're gonna burn in hell.
815
00:43:19,808 --> 00:43:21,643
And these girls were so New York about it.
816
00:43:21,685 --> 00:43:23,562
They're like, I just have chlamydia, you pussy.
817
00:43:26,607 --> 00:43:28,108
- Burn in hell.
- I'm burning now.
818
00:43:28,275 --> 00:43:29,985
That's why I'm going to the fucking clinic.
819
00:43:33,405 --> 00:43:35,449
So I'm watching this go down, and I'm torn, right?
820
00:43:35,491 --> 00:43:37,784
Because naturally, as a man, I want to protect these women, right?
821
00:43:37,826 --> 00:43:40,245
But as a comic, I love a rose, right?
822
00:43:40,329 --> 00:43:43,248
So I'm like, how do I fit in this shit?
823
00:43:43,373 --> 00:43:47,628
And then all of a sudden, this UPS employee walks into the clinic, and I had to.
824
00:43:48,253 --> 00:43:49,254
I had to.
825
00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:51,590
At least someone wants to deliver.
826
00:43:51,882 --> 00:43:53,258
It was the right thing to say.
827
00:43:54,009 --> 00:43:55,010
Guys.
828
00:43:55,719 --> 00:43:57,429
He got in on it.
He was like, same day.
829
00:43:57,513 --> 00:43:58,680
It was unbelievable, brother.
830
00:43:59,389 --> 00:44:01,391
Chemistry was there.
831
00:44:02,726 --> 00:44:07,564
So I'm standing outside a clinic, right next to this dude who was, like, very passionate about abortion.
832
00:44:07,606 --> 00:44:09,191
I realized I'd never spoken to one of these guys before.
833
00:44:09,233 --> 00:44:10,567
So I'm like, I just gotta talk to him.
834
00:44:10,609 --> 00:44:14,238
So I went up to him, and I was like, hey, man, I don't wanna interrupt your whole take your daughter to work day.
835
00:44:14,279 --> 00:44:15,280
I think...
836
00:44:16,114 --> 00:44:17,199
I think it's great.
837
00:44:17,282 --> 00:44:18,700
You wanna spend time with your family.
838
00:44:18,742 --> 00:44:20,285
Obviously not everybody here gets that.
839
00:44:25,541 --> 00:44:28,335
I go, buddy, I just gotta know, why are you so against abortion?
840
00:44:28,710 --> 00:44:31,213
And the guy looks at me, he goes, I'll tell you what changed it all for me.
841
00:44:31,255 --> 00:44:32,589
It's these new sonograms.
842
00:44:34,550 --> 00:44:36,343
Thank God a few of you guys said, what?
843
00:44:37,094 --> 00:44:38,095
We're idiots.
844
00:44:38,136 --> 00:44:40,013
I didn't even know they upgraded the sonograms.
845
00:44:40,222 --> 00:44:42,224
They completely changed the sonograms.
846
00:44:42,266 --> 00:44:45,561
It's not like the back in the day shit to look at you and pay your cable.
847
00:44:45,644 --> 00:44:46,645
Remember those?
848
00:44:46,979 --> 00:44:49,189
Remember the black paper with the gray clouds on it?
849
00:44:49,773 --> 00:44:50,858
Those were abortable.
850
00:44:50,941 --> 00:44:52,025
Let's just be honest.
Right?
851
00:44:52,067 --> 00:44:55,070
Like, doctor hands you that shit like an Etch-a-Sketch.
852
00:44:55,154 --> 00:44:56,155
You're like, not today.
853
00:44:57,781 --> 00:44:59,283
See you later, kiddo.
854
00:45:00,868 --> 00:45:06,790
But the new ones are HD, 4D, not 3D.
855
00:45:07,749 --> 00:45:08,750
4D.
856
00:45:08,792 --> 00:45:11,420
You can hear the baby like, keep me.
857
00:45:12,921 --> 00:45:13,922
You know what I mean?
858
00:45:17,968 --> 00:45:19,469
That's not where you hang a shirt.
859
00:45:31,982 --> 00:45:34,026
So I'm looking at these images, right?
860
00:45:34,193 --> 00:45:35,819
And I'm like, man, this is visceral.
861
00:45:35,944 --> 00:45:37,988
This is hard to, this is hard to disagree with.
862
00:45:38,489 --> 00:45:41,867
And then I noticed all the images he's showing me are from much later on in the pregnancy.
863
00:45:41,909 --> 00:45:43,952
So I was like, hold up, hold up, hold up.
What about early on?
864
00:45:43,994 --> 00:45:44,995
He goes, I don't care.
865
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:46,371
It's killing a baby.
866
00:45:47,122 --> 00:45:49,082
I'm like, but bro, it's not even a baby yet.
867
00:45:49,166 --> 00:45:51,084
He goes, yeah, but if you leave it there,
868
00:45:54,546 --> 00:45:56,048
it's gonna grow into a baby.
869
00:45:56,173 --> 00:45:57,174
So it's a baby.
870
00:45:57,674 --> 00:45:58,967
And I was like, you know what?
871
00:45:59,843 --> 00:46:01,887
Your daughter's fucking hot, bro.
872
00:46:04,139 --> 00:46:05,933
This guy loses his fucking mind.
873
00:46:06,642 --> 00:46:08,101
The fuck you mean my daughter's hot?
874
00:46:08,143 --> 00:46:09,895
She's 10 years old.
What the hell is wrong with you?
875
00:46:09,937 --> 00:46:11,605
I'm like, yeah, but if we leave her there,
876
00:46:18,028 --> 00:46:19,738
she's gonna grow into a woman, pops.
877
00:46:21,740 --> 00:46:22,950
We pedophiles are pro-life.
878
00:46:22,991 --> 00:46:23,992
You decide.
879
00:46:27,788 --> 00:46:29,373
How are we gonna get on the same page?
880
00:46:30,249 --> 00:46:32,334
Ladies, how are we gonna get on the same page?
881
00:46:32,376 --> 00:46:34,169
We agree on most shit, right?
882
00:46:34,962 --> 00:46:36,797
You think that we disagree on a lot, sweetheart?
883
00:46:36,839 --> 00:46:38,340
Like what?
884
00:46:40,342 --> 00:46:41,343
Really?
885
00:46:41,593 --> 00:46:44,263
I went to one of them women's marches and we had a lot in common.
886
00:46:45,806 --> 00:46:47,933
I saw those girls screaming, free the nipple.
887
00:46:53,689 --> 00:46:54,940
That sounds pretty good.
888
00:46:56,733 --> 00:46:57,734
Right?
889
00:46:58,193 --> 00:47:01,405
They were screaming, we should be able to have sex with as many guys as we want.
890
00:47:01,446 --> 00:47:02,447
Yes, you should.
891
00:47:03,615 --> 00:47:05,659
If we get pregnant, we should be able to abort it.
892
00:47:05,701 --> 00:47:06,702
Hopefully.
893
00:47:07,661 --> 00:47:09,746
And we need to work so we can pay our half.
894
00:47:09,830 --> 00:47:10,831
Hallelujah.
895
00:47:11,748 --> 00:47:12,875
Fellas, get down here.
896
00:47:13,417 --> 00:47:14,418
It's happening.
897
00:47:14,459 --> 00:47:15,711
We've reached common ground.
898
00:47:17,629 --> 00:47:18,630
It was unbelievable.
899
00:47:19,047 --> 00:47:22,217
These women were fighting for the right to become the men they've always hated.
900
00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:27,764
Just walk around with their shirts off, fucking whoever, not worried about the kid.
901
00:47:27,890 --> 00:47:29,766
I'm like, are y'all feminists or fuckboys?
902
00:47:29,892 --> 00:47:30,893
What is this shit?
903
00:47:36,482 --> 00:47:38,484
I'm just saying, man, we're on the same team.
904
00:47:38,692 --> 00:47:39,693
You know what I mean?
905
00:47:39,902 --> 00:47:41,862
And that's good because this is as good as it gets.
906
00:47:41,904 --> 00:47:44,656
Ladies, y'all can't move anywhere else and it gets better for y'all.
907
00:47:48,368 --> 00:47:50,787
You gotta deal with us being sexist.
That's a fact.
908
00:47:50,954 --> 00:47:52,164
We are fucking sexist.
909
00:47:52,247 --> 00:47:55,125
We say stupid shit like, women can't drive.
910
00:47:57,127 --> 00:47:58,295
Women can't drive.
911
00:47:59,838 --> 00:48:02,174
But in the Middle East, they're like, no, seriously, women can't drive.
912
00:48:02,216 --> 00:48:04,259
So we don't play that shit out here.
913
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:05,802
Are there women driving?
914
00:48:05,928 --> 00:48:07,137
Ahmed, give me the fucking stones.
915
00:48:07,179 --> 00:48:08,430
These bitches out here driving.
916
00:48:09,097 --> 00:48:10,682
I gotta teach them a lesson with stones.
917
00:48:13,393 --> 00:48:15,562
I'm not saying there aren't things that y 'all gotta go through.
918
00:48:15,604 --> 00:48:17,648
Obviously, you know, like...
919
00:48:17,689 --> 00:48:24,029
...You might have a daughter that has low self-esteem because she's comparing herself to these unrealistic images every single day and that's really fucked up.
920
00:48:25,155 --> 00:48:30,077
But in China, you can't have a daughter.
921
00:48:30,369 --> 00:48:34,540
So, yeah, you have a daughter, they just mash it into an iPhone.
922
00:48:34,748 --> 00:48:35,749
That's the policy.
923
00:48:36,083 --> 00:48:38,418
Enjoy your FaceTime.
924
00:48:38,460 --> 00:48:41,171
There's a little Chinese girl inside every one of your iPhones.
925
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:44,424
Why do you think when your phone breaks they say, put in a bag of rice?
926
00:48:44,466 --> 00:48:47,427
You think that's a coincidence?
927
00:48:48,011 --> 00:48:49,847
It's to soak up her tears, okay?
928
00:48:50,389 --> 00:48:51,390
Have some respect.
929
00:48:53,976 --> 00:48:55,310
We love y'all, okay?
930
00:48:55,477 --> 00:48:56,728
And we wanna make you happy.
931
00:48:56,854 --> 00:48:59,148
I think most guys wanna make you happy.
Especially sexually.
932
00:48:59,189 --> 00:49:01,525
There's this rumor like we don't care about satisfying you.
933
00:49:01,567 --> 00:49:02,568
That's not true at all.
934
00:49:02,985 --> 00:49:05,612
We feel pathetic if we don't satisfy you.
935
00:49:06,238 --> 00:49:07,656
That shit is just mad difficult.
936
00:49:09,116 --> 00:49:11,201
If we're gonna keep it a buck, it's tricky, yo.
937
00:49:11,869 --> 00:49:13,787
The clit?
I don't know exactly where it is.
938
00:49:13,829 --> 00:49:17,416
I still do Ash Wednesday every time I'm down there, dog.
Right?
939
00:49:18,041 --> 00:49:19,751
Longitude, latitude, you bump into it.
940
00:49:20,502 --> 00:49:22,462
Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
941
00:49:23,589 --> 00:49:25,340
You do that enough times, you get baptized.
942
00:49:31,847 --> 00:49:32,848
Pussies are tricky.
943
00:49:32,890 --> 00:49:36,059
Nobody ever stared down a barrel of a pussy and was like, that's how I would've designed it.
944
00:49:36,101 --> 00:49:37,102
Just like that.
945
00:49:37,978 --> 00:49:39,354
Two lips, why stop at two?
946
00:49:39,396 --> 00:49:40,397
Four, double down.
947
00:49:40,439 --> 00:49:41,815
Double down on two.
Always.
948
00:49:41,940 --> 00:49:42,983
Out of hood.
949
00:49:43,108 --> 00:49:44,318
I want that pussy looking emo.
950
00:49:46,111 --> 00:49:48,030
I want that pussy looking like a school shooter.
951
00:49:49,281 --> 00:49:51,658
Because once a month, it's a massacre down there.
952
00:49:56,121 --> 00:49:58,457
There's a lot of things you ladies have harder in life.
953
00:49:58,790 --> 00:50:01,460
But satisfying the opposite sex is not one of them.
954
00:50:02,085 --> 00:50:03,086
Let's be honest.
955
00:50:03,128 --> 00:50:04,379
It's easy to make a dude cum.
956
00:50:05,339 --> 00:50:06,340
You agree, right?
957
00:50:06,965 --> 00:50:08,133
That's not an accomplishment.
958
00:50:09,801 --> 00:50:10,928
It is easy.
959
00:50:11,094 --> 00:50:12,221
We have pre-cum.
960
00:50:14,765 --> 00:50:19,019
That means before we cum, we cum.
961
00:50:21,396 --> 00:50:22,606
We're never not cumming.
962
00:50:23,607 --> 00:50:26,068
We turn 13 and just leak for the rest of our lives.
963
00:50:28,445 --> 00:50:30,113
You don't ever have to ask us, ladies.
964
00:50:30,155 --> 00:50:31,698
Sometimes girls are like, did you cum already?
965
00:50:31,740 --> 00:50:32,825
Four hours ago, sweetheart.
966
00:50:33,742 --> 00:50:37,246
You touch my knee at dinner, a few of my sperm are like, fuck it, I'm outta here.
967
00:50:39,206 --> 00:50:41,500
You just didn't notice because pre-cum doesn't shoot out.
968
00:50:42,084 --> 00:50:47,589
It just climbs to the top and then chills there like it's in a jacuzzi at a ski resort.
969
00:50:49,341 --> 00:50:50,884
I'm not getting out with a towel, bro.
970
00:50:50,926 --> 00:50:52,386
It looks fucking freezing out there.
971
00:50:56,139 --> 00:50:57,182
It's just easier.
972
00:50:57,432 --> 00:50:58,475
It has to be easier.
973
00:50:58,809 --> 00:51:01,353
I'll be honest.
I never sucked dick, but I could do it.
974
00:51:01,395 --> 00:51:03,147
I know that.
I could do it.
975
00:51:03,438 --> 00:51:05,941
It's positive feedback built into the dick, okay?
976
00:51:06,275 --> 00:51:07,568
You sucking a dick good?
977
00:51:07,818 --> 00:51:08,819
Hard.
978
00:51:09,403 --> 00:51:10,404
Sucking a dick bad?
979
00:51:10,696 --> 00:51:11,697
Shoelace.
980
00:51:12,948 --> 00:51:16,577
You could be the best at eating pussy in the world or the worst at eating pussy in the world.
981
00:51:16,618 --> 00:51:19,204
Pussy still stares at you like Stephen Hawking.
982
00:51:26,587 --> 00:51:28,088
Just motionless drooling.
983
00:51:36,805 --> 00:51:42,561
If someone kidnapped my mom and they were like, yo, Schultz, we're gonna kill your mom.
984
00:51:42,769 --> 00:51:46,523
Unless you either make Ted cum or Rebecca cum.
985
00:52:10,047 --> 00:52:12,674
Becca, why don't you grab us some seltzers or something, okay?
986
00:52:13,884 --> 00:52:15,719
Ted and I got a life to save.
987
00:52:16,762 --> 00:52:19,097
I go in there with Ted, it's light work, okay?
988
00:52:19,389 --> 00:52:22,392
I go in there, he's like, listen, we're not like, shut the fuck up, Ted.
989
00:52:22,935 --> 00:52:25,771
Sit down, get your dick sucked like a man.
990
00:52:28,023 --> 00:52:30,150
I go in there with Becca, we are rolling the dice.
991
00:52:30,984 --> 00:52:32,653
I'm down there, I'm giving it everything.
992
00:52:33,862 --> 00:52:37,407
She's up there like, I feel like you're just doing this to save your mom.
993
00:52:37,699 --> 00:52:38,700
Like...
994
00:52:52,089 --> 00:52:53,173
So it's easier.
995
00:52:53,340 --> 00:52:54,466
We can all acknowledge that.
996
00:52:54,633 --> 00:52:56,301
But that doesn't mean that we don't wanna make you cum.
997
00:52:56,343 --> 00:52:59,471
We do wanna make you cum and we feel pathetic if we don't make you cum.
998
00:52:59,513 --> 00:53:01,348
And here's the most fucked up part of it all.
999
00:53:01,890 --> 00:53:06,562
We never know if you actually do cum.
Right?
1000
00:53:06,854 --> 00:53:07,813
There's no sign.
1001
00:53:07,896 --> 00:53:09,273
It's not like your titties light up or nothing.
1002
00:53:09,314 --> 00:53:11,567
There's nothing.
Right?
1003
00:53:11,650 --> 00:53:17,322
The closest we have is sometimes during sex, you be looking all beautiful and then out of nowhere you just go...
1004
00:53:22,119 --> 00:53:28,250
I don't know what the fuck that shit is, but if you turn into Big Ed from 90 Day Fiancé out of nowhere, you just...
1005
00:53:31,420 --> 00:53:35,841
I'm trying to stuff as much dick in you as I possibly can.
Okay?
1006
00:53:35,883 --> 00:53:36,884
I squeeze my butt cheeks.
1007
00:53:36,967 --> 00:53:37,968
I pump and squeeze.
1008
00:53:38,677 --> 00:53:40,846
I think I got extra centimeter dick in my butt cheeks.
1009
00:53:40,929 --> 00:53:41,930
I ain't gonna lie.
1010
00:53:42,139 --> 00:53:45,309
I squeeze my butt cheeks, I might pop your head right out your fucking shoulders.
1011
00:53:45,350 --> 00:53:47,352
Fuck around with me when I squeeze my butt cheeks.
1012
00:53:53,358 --> 00:53:55,486
We just want validation too.
Okay?
1013
00:53:55,736 --> 00:53:59,990
And since we never know if you orgasm, we gotta settle for the side effects of sex.
All right?
1014
00:54:00,115 --> 00:54:01,575
That's why we're into the weird shit.
1015
00:54:01,617 --> 00:54:04,453
You queef, we get excited.
Okay?
1016
00:54:04,495 --> 00:54:08,457
That same exact sound comes out of your butthole, repulsed for 48 hours.
1017
00:54:09,166 --> 00:54:12,753
How could you destroy the fabric of our relationship by farting in front of me like that?
1018
00:54:12,794 --> 00:54:13,795
That's disgusting.
1019
00:54:14,463 --> 00:54:20,052
That sound comes out of your pussy after sex, I got my hand to my ear like Hulk Hogan, like, let her rip, baby!
1020
00:54:21,929 --> 00:54:23,096
I'm waiting for it.
1021
00:54:23,138 --> 00:54:27,392
When my girl gets off the bed after sex, I'm waiting for that propeller to start spinning.
1022
00:54:28,352 --> 00:54:34,483
She takes two steps and just, Oh, babe, you taking a flight?
1023
00:54:36,527 --> 00:54:38,195
You going to the Bahamas or something?
1024
00:54:38,946 --> 00:54:41,824
I know you're not going to the Virgin Islands after what I did to you.
1025
00:54:45,244 --> 00:54:46,662
It's the same thing with squirting.
1026
00:54:46,787 --> 00:54:47,996
We know it's pee, ladies.
1027
00:54:48,288 --> 00:54:49,289
We're not stupid.
1028
00:54:50,582 --> 00:54:51,583
Obviously.
It's pee.
1029
00:54:51,625 --> 00:54:53,252
You don't have water balloons inside you.
1030
00:54:54,670 --> 00:54:56,588
But here's the thing.
We don't give a fuck.
1031
00:54:57,297 --> 00:54:58,715
Because we made you pee.
1032
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:03,470
We love it.
We talking shit.
1033
00:55:03,554 --> 00:55:05,806
Look at your sheets, you see how stupid your sheets look?
1034
00:55:05,848 --> 00:55:09,810
Ah, I got crop circles on your fucking sheets.
1035
00:55:09,852 --> 00:55:10,853
You see that shit?
1036
00:55:10,894 --> 00:55:11,895
Hey, hey, hey.
1037
00:55:12,521 --> 00:55:14,690
I might not make you cum, I'll make you do laundry.
1038
00:55:14,857 --> 00:55:15,858
That's a fact.
1039
00:55:17,276 --> 00:55:18,902
I do alone, you do alone.
1040
00:55:19,069 --> 00:55:20,904
That's how things work around here!
1041
00:55:20,988 --> 00:55:23,198
I'm kinda like, Guys, thank y'all so much, man.
1042
00:55:24,366 --> 00:55:25,367
Thank y'all so much.
1043
00:55:43,093 --> 00:55:45,179
I know exactly how all of this goes.
1044
00:55:45,262 --> 00:55:47,097
So real for the cameras, I don't like to pose.
1045
00:55:47,264 --> 00:55:48,932
When I go out a few weeks on the road.
1046
00:55:49,141 --> 00:55:50,934
One million, two million, three million fold.
1047
00:55:51,018 --> 00:55:53,228
Think that I'm stopping, you got me confused a little bit.
1048
00:55:53,270 --> 00:55:54,480
Who are you to say shit to me?
1049
00:55:54,688 --> 00:55:56,190
You seen that slope, it gets slippery.
1050
00:55:56,648 --> 00:55:57,941
Y'all type in riches and riches.
1051
00:55:57,983 --> 00:56:01,778
Every baby, daily baby, I ain't scared of heights no more.
1052
00:56:01,904 --> 00:56:05,574
Got me saying Russ, I got it, you don't gotta fight no more.
1053
00:56:07,701 --> 00:56:10,412
Okay, okay, okay.
1054
00:56:28,013 --> 00:56:29,014
Yeah.
83352
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