Original subtitles

And now, this is the moment you've all been waiting for.

It's Tom Boyden out of New York City.

He is the reigning, defending, undisputed heavyweight champion of the world.

The one, the only, the infamous Andrei Shulgin!

That's how you start a fucking show right there, bud.

All right.

Let's see what we're working with. What's up, y'all?

Is that yours right there, bro?

Latina?

Okay.

You gotta be careful with her.

You on birth control?

Maybe, maybe not.

Now, you need certified yes from them, okay?

Don't fuck with that pull-out method with Latinas.

You come on a Latin girl's stomach, her belly button just opens up and takes that shit in, dawg.

Like fucking hungry, hungry hippos in there, dawg.

You gotta come on her back.

That's why they call them wetbacks.

Now, guys. Guys.

Everybody. Everybody.

We're just getting started, guys.

We're just getting started, okay?

What's up, white boys?

How was storming the Capitol?

Good?

You know they were there early, too, huh?

Day early, just tailgating and shit.

I'm not gonna lie, y'all.

I miss Trump, man.

Not like that.

Calm down, QAnon.

Fucking...

It's a comedy special, not a Cracker Barrel. Relax, lady.

Fucking...

I'm not talking about the politics, okay?

But the entertainment?

Was that you, Indian girl?

Oh, shit.

I was about to say.

You putting a non in QAnon for sure, right there.

Can we just be honest?

It was entertaining as fuck?

Right?

Like, for four years, he had our group chats on fire.

It was unbelievable.

You don't miss those texts, like, in the middle of the night from your boy, like, yo, turn on the news.

He's making fun of cripple people. You're like, there's no fucking way.

There's no fucking way.

He's the president of the United States of America.

It's not me watching Breaking Bad.

There's no way he's making fun of cripple people.

You turn on the news. Dang!

Full T-Rex, dog.

You know what?

Cocked his shit. Dropped it.

Beating his chest like Matthew McConaughey, bro.

It was every week.

You remember that shit? Yo, turn on the news.

He's shooting paper towels at Puerto Ricans.

You're like, there's no fucking way.

There's no fucking way.

This is impossible. Okay?

They just had a hurricane. They're sitting in four feet of water.

There's no way he went down there and shot the paper towels at these poor Puerto Ricans.

You turn on the news. Jab step.

Fade away!

I don't care what your politics is.

But it was an unbelievable time.

Can we agree on that?

It was an unbelievable time.

And now we got Biden.

And...

What a fucking snooze fest this guy is, dude.

He's boring.

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's fucking boring.

Okay? Be honest.

Is there anybody here who loves Joe Biden?

We have any Taliban in here?

Is there anybody?

You're a Taliban?

Go home, bro.

You're free.

You got your country back.

You're not really Taliban.

You're just Afghani. You're from Pakistan.

That's not even the same shit, you racist motherfucker.

Who is this black dude cosigning everything you're doing?

What the fuck is going on up there?

Wait a minute. Are you black?

Or are you where he's from?

You're from Somalia.

Hey!

Hey!

I just changed up once you got over here. That's a fact.

You got them braces.

You are not the captain now!

You fucking...

That motherfucker was Captain Crunch.

Did you see the teeth in that fucker's face?

I'm just saying he's fucking boring.

Like, be honest with me right now.

Do any of you love Joe Biden?

No.

Why?

Biden ain't got no merch.

Like, why?

That's how I judge presidents now.

Bro, can you move merch or can you not?

Because Trump had merch, bro.

That MAGA hat was iconic.

Bro, that was white people's teardrop tattoo.

That's what that was.

You saw a white dude with that hat, you were like, YAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

That hat is the last thing you put on your body before you leave the house.

It's so easy not to wear it.

But some people look at that hat like, how difficult do I want my day to be?

Fuck it, I choose violence today.

I used to love seeing that hat in the wild, bro.

Because I'm from New York, nobody ever has that hat.

You never see a MAGA hat in New York.

So when I'm on the road, I'm just waiting for it.

Because the energy around the hat was amazing. Right?

Because the people that wear the MAGA hat, I don't know if you noticed this, but they're always in the best mood, smiling ear to ear, just dancing.

Just cheesed up.

Because the hat does all the shit talk. Right?

They just walk around like, hey Hector, how you doing?

But the hat's like, we're building a fucking wall, Hector!

We're building a fucking wall, bro! MAGA!

Make amigos go away, Hector!

You know what this is!

I remember the first time I saw a MAGA hat confrontation.

And these are the best.

I'm talking about in real life.

I'm not talking about on Twitter.

I'm talking about real life MAGA hat confrontation.

I was in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

And I saw...

Okay.

I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Actually, you know, I'm lying.

I was actually in East St. Paul.

But nobody knows what that is.

So I said Minneapolis.

But I had to be honest with you right now.

Even though this is a fucking special taping.

Now we gotta edit around the whole goddamn thing.

Fucking leave it in!

Leave it in!

There's a piece of shit in the balcony.

I had to say, yeah, Minnesota.

And I can't lie to you people.

Okay?

I was in fucking New Brunswick, New Jersey.

I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Okay?

And I'm at a Baskin-Robbins. Okay?

And I saw a dude wearing a MAGA hat.

And the fun thing about it was... He wasn't ordering ice cream.

He was working at Baskin-Robbins.

Okay?

And he wasn't a GM. He wasn't Baskin.

He wasn't Robbins.

He's just a regular minimum wage employee serving up ice cream MAGA, bro.

Just staring at people.

Vanilla only today!

Just...

Ain't gonna be no rainbow, no chocolate.

Nothing!

Just pure Christian vanilla ice cream.

The way God intended ice cream and countries to be made.

So I'm staring at this dude.

I'm like, yeah, this is going down. This is the guy.

Something's gonna happen. Right?

All of a sudden, this couple walks into the Baskin-Robbins.

And the couple is wearing matching Vikings outfits.

Head-to-toe Vikings.

Okay?

It's July.

It's not even pre-season.

These are bonafide lunatics.

These people just walking around town.

Full Vikings outfits. Right?

The couple walks in.

The girl in the Viking couple starts to get a little upset when she sees the MAGA hat.

I don't know what she's saying, but I know it's white woman rage.

I know what it is.

I got a white fiancé.

I know about this stuff. Okay?

There's a problem that has nothing to do with me.

I need to solve it. Right?

It's just...

You're offended. I'm bored.

Let's do something about it.

I need to stand up for my black friends I don't have.

No.

So...

All of a sudden, the girl Viking breaks away from her boyfriend, beelines it for the MAGA hat.

Dude walks right up to him and goes, How the fuck could you wear that hat?

Immediately, I'm like, he's shooting this bitch.

This bitch is dead.

She don't even know it. That's Second Amendment.

She is fucking dead.

I got my phone out landscape.

I'm ready.

You think I'm missing this?

I zoomed out .5.

Some of y'all got Android phones, YouTube port even understand what that is. Okay?

Get a real phone like an adult.

All right?

Stop fucking up the group chat with your green text.

We don't appreciate.

WhatsApp, we don't care about your little third world group chats.

Okay?

What you discussin' over there?

They build a well in your hometown?

I'm fucking ready to go.

I'm so wide, I'm gonna get the bullet leaving the gun and entering her forehead.

I'm posting it. I'm viral.

It's over. It's a wrap.

This chick keeps on laying in on this dude.

She's fucking screaming at him.

You know what those hats stand for?

For the disrespect of women.

You know what those hats stand for?

For the mistreatment of women.

You know what those hats stand for?

For the abuse of women.

And I'm just looking at this chick like...

You're wearing a Viking outfit.

I don't know if you're familiar with Viking history.

But they were the first grab-em-by-the-pussy people.

Literally all they did for thousands of years was just sail around the world grabbing pussies.

And we're so crazy, we named a football team after them.

We would never have a team called the Colorado Cosbys.

You know, that's...

I'm not gonna lie, that'd be a fun game to announce, though.

Looks like another come-from-behind victory for the Cosbys this weekend.

It's like every time they catch him sleeping.

Jim, do you notice this?

Just keep catching him sleeping.

It's good to see him spike in end zones, not cocktails, though.

I will say that's an improvement for the Cosbys.

So I'm looking at this chick like... I'm looking at this Viking twat, and I'm just like...

I should be hating her, okay?

But I'm actually so jealous.

Because I'm like, I wish I could walk around that oblivious toward a complete hypocrite I am.

I know I'm a hypocrite.

I gotta deal with that shit every day.

That's taxing.

Michael Jackson comes on, and I gotta settle that debt.

I love the music, but he touches toddlers, right?

Like, we know he does it.

Wait a minute, do some of y'all think...

How many of y'all think Michael Jackson did not touch those kids?

Be honest. I'd rather you be honest.

We got another one? Okay, okay.

I wish... I wish I could be you.

Every time Mike comes on, you get to listen to King of Pop.

While I'm listening to King of Pop and Cherries.

You know how fucking lucky you are?

You know how lucky you are?

You get to do that?

I have to be honest with my feelings, okay?

Here's the reality, okay?

I feel like Michael Jackson touched those kids.

But I also feel like he didn't touch enough kids for me to stop listening to his music.

I do feel that way.

I'm not proud of that, but that is the way I feel, okay?

You could probably feed him 10, 12 more, and I'm gonna keep listening to that shit.

Every single time it comes on.

Do you remember?

No, I don't.

Not at all.

Keep on going, Mike.

Do your fucking thing, okay?

I know I'm wrong to have these feelings, by the way.

I've tried to change these feelings, okay?

I watched that documentary about them snitching ass kids.

I watched it. I did watch it.

I watched it, okay?

I'm starting with the man in the mirror, alright?

I'm trying to change his ways.

I watched him.

I watched him fucking crying the whole documentary.

I was molested by my hero.

You lucky son of a bitch.

Your hero?

That's a best-case scenario molest, is it not?

Most people getting diddled by their bus driver, not their hero.

Your hero.

My hero growing up was Michael Jordan.

If Michael Jordan molested me...

I could walk it off.

Probably in the freshest Jordans you ever seen in your life.

Hey, bro, where you get them shits, man?

You too old for these, dawg.

Don't even worry about it.

They only got decent youth sizes, homie.

But I said to myself, I'm watching this documentary up until I find out what Mike did to those kids.

Because once I find out what he did to the kids, that's it.

I can't like him anymore.

I can't even listen to music anymore.

Once I find out what he did to the kids, and then I will move on.

I'm done with Mike.

I got to the point, and basically they said that Michael Jackson licked their asshole.

And what I found out about me is...

that's not enough.

A licked asshole?

That's cleaning.

Can we be honest here?

That right there?

You got your ass cleaned by Michael Jackson.

That's a Billie Jean bidet, you ungrateful bastard.

You got your asshole licked by the greatest asshole licker in history.

Michael Jackson literally shaved down his nose, so he could get deeper in those boys' asses.

Do you remember MJ by the time he died?

He looked like Voldemort, okay?

Just flat face with three holes in it like a bowling ball.

Just head banging boy booties.

I'm just saying, we have to put things in perspective.

A licked asshole from your hero.

If Michael Jordan...

If Michael Jeffrey Jordan...

took that glorious tongue of his...

You know the tongue.

If he took that tongue and attacked my rim the way he attacked rims in the league...

If he grabbed my hips and shattered my backboard...

Are you kidding me?

I'd be honored.

That's not even gay, he's the GOAT.

That's bestiality. I'm still proud of it.

That would be the crowning achievement of my childhood.

Michael Jordan licked my asshole.

Played that night and dropped 39 points.

I'm the reason he had the flu.

Oh, you had some bad pizza, Mike?

Yeah, pizza this ass.

Why don't you be honest with the people, okay?

We filmed it and everything.

We're calling it Face Jam.

Tell the truth about what happened that night.

How you guys doing?

Good.

What's up, Bill?

- Hi. - Hi.

Just saying hi, you know?

How long you guys been together?

- Almost three years. - Almost three years?

Good shit.

He said almost.

What were you doing in the beginning, yo?

You throwing that coochie around Austin?

What's going on here?

Oh, you're engaged and everything.

Oh, congratulations.

You get married, you guys move in together, you learn a lot of shit.

I learned a lot of shit about my girl when we moved in together.

I learned she's a fucking psychopath.

Just based on her Netflix queue, that's it.

I turn on her Netflix, it's just every type of serial killer documentary you could imagine.

There's a guy who kills nuns, guy who kills hookers, guy who kills kids, cooking show.

Who watches six hours of serial killers and then British Bake Off to wash it down?

How many of you ladies in here enjoy serial killer shows?

This is why you don't like sports, I just want to let you know.

Sports aren't violent enough for you.

You'll be watching football, you see someone unconscious on the ground and you're like, okay, but why is no one raping him?

What's going on? What's going on here?

I mean, you already have a mask and gloves on, no one's gonna know it's you.

Put a dick in that fucking man.

Make this entertaining, please.

It's unbelievable.

And you know the craziest thing about it?

You ladies will watch serial killers and fucking rapists all the time and it won't change your behavior at all.

This is some real shit.

She watches a documentary about this dude who would rape women who were jogging in a park at night, right?

Horrifying, tragic, right?

After watching the documentary, she went for a jog in a fucking park.

Bro, women are way braver than men.

It's not even close to...

...If a single man in history was jogging in the park and got raped?

We're not even jogging on treadmills no more after that.

Cardio's out the fucking equation.

You pull up to the gym, you see your boy in the elliptical, you're like, Fam, get the fuck off that shit!

They raping dudes these days!

Find a bench where your asshole's protected!

Definitely don't go on that rowing machine, you're just teasing them on that rowing machine.

And that's a fucked up headline, too.

Nobody ever talks about that.

But jogger rape?

That's a fucked up headline, yo.

Don't ever let that be a headline with me.

Schultz was raped jogging in a park at night.

Schultz was raped jogging in a park at night.

Motherfucker, rest assured...

I was running as fast as I could.

Who's jogging, yo?

You don't think I'm hitting the high knees?

I got a rapist behind me, bro!

There's a butt-naked man with running shoes chasing me in a motherfucking park!

I can hear his feet hitting the ground, dick slapping against his stomach!

You don't think I'm tapping turbo a couple times?

Schultz was running as fast as humanly possible...

when an Olympic rapist...

a gold medalist from the Rape Olympics...

...he's probably Jamaican, they the fastest anyway...

...a Jamaican gold medalist from the Rape Olympics hawked him down and took that ass against his will even though he fought valiantly!

That's your headline.

You print the whole shit or nothing at all.

My fucking family reads the newspaper.

How am I supposed to go to Thanksgiving and my whole family look at me like...

...yo, don't pass him the stuff and he already had enough stuff.

I gotta bring the Jamaican rapist to dinner to clear my name, yo.

Donovan, tell them what really happened in the park, yo. They don't believe me.

Tell them what really fucking happened in the park.

Please, tell them!

My mom was running as fast as humanly possible.

Some might even say it was cooler running in that park.

But I made them feel the rhythm.

Feel the ride.

I got you white boy, it's buttfuck time.

Y'all are cool, man.

Y'all are cool.

It is a weird thing though, man.

Ladies, why are you so obsessed with the series?

Serial killer shit.

Oh, cause the guy's hot.

Ted Bundy.

This is good that you said that.

I'm really glad you brought up Ted Bundy cause I asked my girl to play a serial killer thing and we watched two together.

The first one we watched I turned off cause it was the female serial killer, Eileen Wuornos, you know her?

Killed three people, which is like some affirmative action bullshit.

Three people, you're not a serial killer.

That's a DUI, sweetheart.

Give it a rest. Okay?

That's a recall on broccoli.

Three people.

Mother Teresa killed more than three people. Okay?

Sit down.

Next one she put on was Ted Bundy.

And...

He's the GOAT.

He's the greatest serial killer of all time. It's undeniable.

And I'll tell you why.

It's not cause he killed 50 women.

That's easy. Anybody could do that.

That's...

I could kill 50 women with a pair of Lululemon pants.

That's light work.

Hey, they're giving out free Lulu's in the alley.

Yeah, yeah. Let's fuck it.

I play Whack-a-Megan for 30 minutes. I got 50 bodies.

That's light.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

The reason he's so prolific is cause he killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle.

I'm gonna say that again.

Cause that is impressive.

He killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle. Okay?

Some of y'all drive Teslas.

Can't get no pussy, dorks.

The doors open by themselves.

Never a woman's legs, huh, you losers?

My car is electric.

So is your fleshlight, virgin.

Shut the fuck up about it.

I'm watching this documentary.

I'm like, yo, thank God this motherfucker didn't drive a Porsche, bro.

We might not have any women left in America if he was driving a Porsche.

A Porsche? Are you kidding me?

Only reason I finished the documentary is cause I need to know the pickup line he was using to get these women into a tan Volkswagen Beetle.

That's a valuable line.

I might have a son one day and I'm gonna give him that shit instead of a car.

I get to the point in the documentary where they share the line.

I will tell you guys the line tonight if you want me to tell y'all. Okay.

On one condition.

Ladies, please control your pussies when I say this shit. Please.

I know how powerful this line is.

Do a Kegel.

Just lock your shit up. Okay?

Cause I don't want y'all soaking up and sliding off your fucking seats.

Okay, this is a problem.

Alright?

He would walk out of the worst car ever made.

Walk up to a woman he's never met in his life.

And he'd go, excuse me, miss.

My car broke down.

Do you think you could help me fix it?

What I said to my girl was, this is disgusting.

The way he's taking advantage of their kindness and goodwill.

What I felt burning inside of me was, these chicks deserve to die.

Okay?

They had it coming.

Can you fix my car?

Ladies, you can't fix a car.

You can't park a car.

How the fuck are you gonna fix the car?

It's 1970.

I don't even think you were working yet.

You definitely weren't mechanics.

Craziest part of that whole documentary they barely even touched on.

And that is, of all the women that Bundy fucked and killed, there was actually one woman that he fucked, didn't kill, kept fucking.

And this chick gotta be walking around now like, damn.

This pussy amazing, y'all.

This shit, wow.

Aha.

He killed you bitches? That's crazy.

That's so different. That's so different.

- He made me breakfast. - He made you dead, bitch?

You better check your pH, sweetheart.

Your shit was woofing.

You had that woof, baby.

- I got that whop. - Get it together.

Ugh. That's all. Nothing else.

I just wanna make someone feel good for a second.

Can I just make him feel good?

Who's that guy next to you?

Don't know him? Okay.

Which GameStop do you manage?

That's fucked up.

Shit just pops in our head, and we can't say it.

You ever have a thought so fucked up, you're like, damn, bro, I didn't even know I was capable of that shit.

Bro, the other day, my girl, uh, my girl said we need to get an ottoman, which is like the most fucking fiance thing to do.

We need, we need to get an ottoman.

God forbid we sit on a couch with our feet on the ground like peasants.

God forbid. Right?

We need an ottoman.

So when I wake up to piss in the night, I have someone to slam my shins into.

We need the ottoman.

So we're at Cranberry, right?

I'm just wandering around.

I look over my left shoulder.

I see this Middle Eastern dude standing on this carpet.

Now...

I don't say anything, okay?

I'm not gonna say a single fucking thing.

I just looked over and went, that's the best I could do.

That's knee-jerk. That's a reflex.

I see a Middle Eastern dude on a carpet?

I'm gonna chuckle, dude. I'm sorry.

I gave it a huh-huh and I shut it down real quick. Okay?

Because that guy is there just so he could furnish his apartment.

It doesn't matter that I think he's about to take off on that fucking thing. Okay?

I was 100% certain.

At one point in time, he bends over to check the price and curls the front of the carpet.

I was like, oh, he is outta here!

What the hell's the security guard gonna do?

He don't got a chance, bro.

He went under the hood.

It's about to be Fast and the Furious, Arabian Nights in this bitch.

He is gone!

But I didn't say anything.

I kept it in here. Okay?

Because it's not life or death. Okay?

If it's not a life or death situation, you keep that shit in here.

Now, don't get me wrong, if we're on the edge of a cliff and it's me, a carpet, and a Middle Eastern dude, and a pack of hyenas is closing in on us, there might be some words exchanged.

Okay?

I'm not gonna be too direct about it.

I'll probably be like, what do you think we should do to get out of this predicament?

Middle Eastern guy? Next to the carpet?

He's looking at me like, the fuck you want me to do?

There's a whole pack of hyenas. I'm like, motherfucker, there's a whole new world.

If we just get on this goddamn carpet and go to safety.

Show me the world. Okay?

You've seen the movie too.

It's a two-seater. We can fit on this bitch.

Show me the goddamn world.

Life or death, you can say it. Okay?

Life or death, your prejudices start to come out.

I'm not even talking about racial either. You know what I mean?

Like, I won't have a doctor with an underbite.

That's a prejudice I got.

Not gonna happen.

I don't care if there's no correlation between the two.

You're not gonna walk into my surgery like, okay, what are we fixing today?

How about your jaw, you fucking bulldog?

How dare you?

You're gonna walk into my surgery looking like a cash register?

Cha-ching!

Let's put that thing back where it's supposed to be.

Should we walk outside and collect some rainwater, asshole?

How dare you?

That's all I'm trying to say.

Is sometimes life or death makes even the most offensive situation tolerable. Okay?

Even racist situations.

Like, for example, blackface is wrong.

Racist, cannot do it.

- We agree? - We agree.

Okay, good.

Blackface is wrong.

Can't do it.

Good.

Cannot do it.

Blackface is wrong.

Well, I have to ask the blackfaces.

I can't ask the fucking rest of y'all.

Your opinions don't matter. It's up to them.

They make the rules.

Blackface is wrong. It's racist.

You cannot do it. Okay?

Under no circumstances.

Cannot do it.

Then you see them Navy Seals commercials.

You're like, all right, well, kind of.

Sometimes you could do it. Right?

The whole Navy Seals commercial is like, look how cool blackface is on a helicopter.

Look how cool blackface is on a boat.

Blackface in the water.

They can swim.

I don't know if they say that.

I might have added that part.

That's on me.

But I'm just saying life or death situation is changing the stakes.

Let's say, for example, me and you, we're going on a mission to save America from high gas prices.

When gas is like $1.50, America is very progressive. Right?

We're like, you have to respect all the cultures of the world.

Gas gets to $5, we're like, yo!

They might need some democracy out there in the Middle East, Biden.

See this $5?

How they make women dress like that when gas is $5, Biden?

They just throwing gay people off buildings when gas is $5?

Liberate those people.

So let's say, for example, you and I are going on a mission to save America.

The mission takes place at 1 a.m.

That is an important piece of the information.

We're going to be on the call sheet.

You have your complexion.

I have the complexion of an iPhone flashlight.

If you don't give me blackface, we're fucking dead.

I'm a disco ball in the desert.

They're going to see us from a mile away.

It's head shots for the both of us.

You want to see her again, you got to paint me the fuck up, bro.

Full thing.

You don't have to do the lips and the tap shoes.

That's a little bit much, but you got to paint me up.

You got to paint me the fuck up if you want to survive.

You're not going to let me go on that mission with you without putting on blackface for your safety.

Just like I'm not going to let you smile.

There's certain things, guys, there's certain things that we have to do so we get home.

Those beautiful white teeth lighting up the night.

I can't take that risk.

I can see white people in the crowd looking for black people to see if it's okay to laugh at this joke.

And the fact that you're having trouble finding them is exactly the point that I'm trying to make. Okay?

It's about privilege. All right?

I understand I have white privilege. Okay?

But you have night privilege and we need to bring those together.

Don't get me wrong.

We get pulled over on a ride home, that's where I take care of business.

I'm sorry, officer.

Was there a problem?

Speeding.

Must have been my black foot.

I'll take care of that.

Is it fucked up?

Yeah, I guess.

It is.

Is that your girlfriend right there?

- How long you guys been together? - Eight years.

Eight years? Amazing.

Are you on birth control?

What type are you on?

You don't know.

Does he just push you down the stairs once a month?

Is that what happens to him?

What's your birth control called? Tumble?

He just gives you some vitamins every morning, that's it.

You don't know what the fuck you're taking, huh?

Is it a pill?

Is it like a ring?

It's a pill.

Okay, you went old school. You got the pill.

That's what's up. Because there's a lot of birth controls out there.

What do you think the best birth control is, ladies?

- Plan B. - Plan B?

That's a good one.

That's a good one right there.

Guaranteed she got HPV 100%. Guaranteed.

But it's all good. Most of us do.

It is what it is. You know what I mean?

That's chicken pox at this point.

You're a real one for that. Plan B.

Just gobbling them shits up like fucking Flintstone vitamins.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's a soldier right there.

Fuck it. Leave it in.

I got some extra on the bedside table.

What else? What else, ladies?

What else?

IUD.

IUD?

IUD is an interesting one.

IUD is basically like a, there's birth control USB.

The girls insert in their pussy and they just leave it there.

They just stuff it in there and leave it there.

And then they just hope they don't fuck a black guy to knock that shit out.

You're basically rolling the dice.

Black dude get deep in there, he comes out a Prince Albert.

So you got to be very careful. Okay?

You got jewelry on your dick after fucking these IUD chicks.

What else?

One more.

Vasectomy.

Oh, is that, did you get that?

Bro, you look like they left Val Kilmer in a bathtub, man.

That's a beautiful head of hair though, for sure.

Is that yours or do you guys buy wigs together?

Guys.

Guys.

She hates me now.

Don't beat me up.

Don't beat me up.

I'm a good sweet boy. Okay.

You didn't like that one that much.

Was it wrong though?

No.

How long you guys been together?

Four years.

Okay, bro.

Is he a big dick white?

You look big dick, bro.

You look big dick because you're the black girl and you don't even have cool sneakers on.

So you definitely, you got something, dude.

You're packing something there, man.

Unbelievable, that guy, right?

Four years, man. God bless.

And you guys, a little marriage thing popping off or what?

Oh, you're already married.

Congratulations, kids.

Kids.

Oh, you made him get cut?

Oh, that's some good pussy right there, bro.

Nah, that happens, man.

Come fast too many times, you gotta do something.

That's really why birth control exists, man.

It's not for y'all to get pregnant so that we can get those last two pumps.

Like, how many times has your girl been like very close and you're like, oh, fuck.

She's like, don't come to...

...You know who Antonio Cromartie is?

She knows.

Antonio Cromartie is this football player who has 17 kids.

After his 15th kid, he got a vasectomy.

Now, I don't know if you guys know what a vasectomy is.

Basically, they cut the vas deferens.

That's the highway from your balls to your penis hole.

Right?

And it takes the sperm from balls, but they just cut that shit.

And Antonio Cromartie had two more kids after the vasectomy.

That's how athletic that motherfucker was, bro.

His sperm were in there like Mario Kart Rainbow.

Road, just hopping over to the next side.

What else? One more.

You said to swallow?

She's a keeper, dog.

There it is.

She's a keeper, bro. That's crazy.

Usually, the people with the man bun swallow, but it's cool.

It's cool.

Like, it's cool that you guys have that relationship where it's equal.

You know what I mean?

Does sometimes he ask for a little?

He's like, just spit a little in my mouth.

You got to feed him like a baby bird.

Just hep, hep, hep.

Texas.

Oh, Texas.

We didn't talk about how they're taking away your Scoop Scoops, ladies.

Ain't that fucked up?

They trying to take away your Scoop Scoops?

It's unbelievable.

I just want to let y'all know right now, ladies, I am with you.

I think it's your body, your choice.

I agree with you on that.

I agree with you.

When you say that men should have no say in the decisions you make with your bodies, those are your decisions to make and yours alone.

And I feel that way because at the end of the day, when we all go up to heaven and God's like, why are we all killing babies?

We're going to be like, y'all.

I think they were very clear whose decision this was, guys.

Looks like you need to pay for your sins, babe.

Even though I paid for your sins.

Come on, y'all.

Chivalry ain't dead to that baby, as you know the rules.

Oh, man.

Yeah, abortion.

Abortion, abortion, abortion, man.

It's a tricky one.

When I was living in my old place in New York, I lived down the block from an abortion clinic.

And, uh...

Location, location, location.

And no bullshit, that's the wildest place in New York.

Like, it's a fucking carnival outside of there every single day.

Like, people come to New York and they go to, like, Broadway plays and shit.

They'll literally spend thousands of dollars to watch Harry Potter, the musical, when they could just stand outside the clinic and watch something really disappear.

Fetus deleters!

I remember one time I was walking by the clinic and I saw a father and his daughter outside and his daughter looked like she was 10 years old.

Now, I don't want to divide the crowd politically here, uh, but for me,

that's a little late.

This is just me.

I'm not putting my views on you.

But personally, I think a fetus becomes a life around the third grade.

That's... I think that's a life.

I do believe that's a life. Okay?

Maybe we could roll it back a few years from there.

But definitely, if you could spell abortion, we don't abort you.

That's just the rule that I have in my book.

Okay?

So naturally, I'm like, yo, I gotta save this girl's life.

I walk over, I get a little closer.

Turns out, he wasn't aborting his daughter.

Thank God.

Uh, what he was actually doing was protesting the abortion clinic.

And I'd never seen this shit before in real life. It was crazy.

Like, he's, like, heckling these girls as they go in.

You know, he's just screaming up there, you're gonna burn in hell.

And these girls were so New York about it.

They're like, I just have chlamydia, you pussy.

- Burn in hell. - I'm burning now.

That's why I'm going to the fucking clinic.

So I'm watching this go down, and I'm torn, right?

Because naturally, as a man, I want to protect these women, right?

But as a comic, I love a rose, right?

So I'm like, how do I fit in this shit?

And then all of a sudden, this UPS employee walks into the clinic, and I had to.

I had to.

At least someone wants to deliver.

It was the right thing to say.

Guys.

He got in on it. He was like, same day.

It was unbelievable, brother.

Chemistry was there.

So I'm standing outside a clinic, right next to this dude who was, like, very passionate about abortion.

I realized I'd never spoken to one of these guys before.

So I'm like, I just gotta talk to him.

So I went up to him, and I was like, hey, man, I don't wanna interrupt your whole take your daughter to work day.

I think...

I think it's great.

You wanna spend time with your family.

Obviously not everybody here gets that.

I go, buddy, I just gotta know, why are you so against abortion?

And the guy looks at me, he goes, I'll tell you what changed it all for me.

It's these new sonograms.

Thank God a few of you guys said, what?

We're idiots.

I didn't even know they upgraded the sonograms.

They completely changed the sonograms.

It's not like the back in the day shit to look at you and pay your cable.

Remember those?

Remember the black paper with the gray clouds on it?

Those were abortable.

Let's just be honest. Right?

Like, doctor hands you that shit like an Etch-a-Sketch.

You're like, not today.

See you later, kiddo.

But the new ones are HD, 4D, not 3D.

4D.

You can hear the baby like, keep me.

You know what I mean?

That's not where you hang a shirt.

So I'm looking at these images, right?

And I'm like, man, this is visceral.

This is hard to, this is hard to disagree with.

And then I noticed all the images he's showing me are from much later on in the pregnancy.

So I was like, hold up, hold up, hold up. What about early on?

He goes, I don't care.

It's killing a baby.

I'm like, but bro, it's not even a baby yet.

He goes, yeah, but if you leave it there,

it's gonna grow into a baby.

So it's a baby.

And I was like, you know what?

Your daughter's fucking hot, bro.

This guy loses his fucking mind.

The fuck you mean my daughter's hot?

She's 10 years old. What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm like, yeah, but if we leave her there,

she's gonna grow into a woman, pops.

We pedophiles are pro-life.

You decide.

How are we gonna get on the same page?

Ladies, how are we gonna get on the same page?

We agree on most shit, right?

You think that we disagree on a lot, sweetheart?

Like what?

Really?

I went to one of them women's marches and we had a lot in common.

I saw those girls screaming, free the nipple.

That sounds pretty good.

Right?

They were screaming, we should be able to have sex with as many guys as we want.

Yes, you should.

If we get pregnant, we should be able to abort it.

Hopefully.

And we need to work so we can pay our half.

Hallelujah.

Fellas, get down here.

It's happening.

We've reached common ground.

It was unbelievable.

These women were fighting for the right to become the men they've always hated.

Just walk around with their shirts off, fucking whoever, not worried about the kid.

I'm like, are y'all feminists or fuckboys?

What is this shit?

I'm just saying, man, we're on the same team.

You know what I mean?

And that's good because this is as good as it gets.

Ladies, y'all can't move anywhere else and it gets better for y'all.

You gotta deal with us being sexist. That's a fact.

We are fucking sexist.

We say stupid shit like, women can't drive.

Women can't drive.

But in the Middle East, they're like, no, seriously, women can't drive.

So we don't play that shit out here.

Are there women driving?

Ahmed, give me the fucking stones.

These bitches out here driving.

I gotta teach them a lesson with stones.

I'm not saying there aren't things that y 'all gotta go through.

Obviously, you know, like...

...You might have a daughter that has low self-esteem because she's comparing herself to these unrealistic images every single day and that's really fucked up.

But in China, you can't have a daughter.

So, yeah, you have a daughter, they just mash it into an iPhone.

That's the policy.

Enjoy your FaceTime.

There's a little Chinese girl inside every one of your iPhones.

Why do you think when your phone breaks they say, put in a bag of rice?

You think that's a coincidence?

It's to soak up her tears, okay?

Have some respect.

We love y'all, okay?

And we wanna make you happy.

I think most guys wanna make you happy. Especially sexually.

There's this rumor like we don't care about satisfying you.

That's not true at all.

We feel pathetic if we don't satisfy you.

That shit is just mad difficult.

If we're gonna keep it a buck, it's tricky, yo.

The clit? I don't know exactly where it is.

I still do Ash Wednesday every time I'm down there, dog. Right?

Longitude, latitude, you bump into it.

Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

You do that enough times, you get baptized.

Pussies are tricky.

Nobody ever stared down a barrel of a pussy and was like, that's how I would've designed it.

Just like that.

Two lips, why stop at two?

Four, double down.

Double down on two. Always.

Out of hood.

I want that pussy looking emo.

I want that pussy looking like a school shooter.

Because once a month, it's a massacre down there.

There's a lot of things you ladies have harder in life.

But satisfying the opposite sex is not one of them.

Let's be honest.

It's easy to make a dude cum.

You agree, right?

That's not an accomplishment.

It is easy.

We have pre-cum.

That means before we cum, we cum.

We're never not cumming.

We turn 13 and just leak for the rest of our lives.

You don't ever have to ask us, ladies.

Sometimes girls are like, did you cum already?

Four hours ago, sweetheart.

You touch my knee at dinner, a few of my sperm are like, fuck it, I'm outta here.

You just didn't notice because pre-cum doesn't shoot out.

It just climbs to the top and then chills there like it's in a jacuzzi at a ski resort.

I'm not getting out with a towel, bro.

It looks fucking freezing out there.

It's just easier.

It has to be easier.

I'll be honest. I never sucked dick, but I could do it.

I know that. I could do it.

It's positive feedback built into the dick, okay?

You sucking a dick good?

Hard.

Sucking a dick bad?

Shoelace.

You could be the best at eating pussy in the world or the worst at eating pussy in the world.

Pussy still stares at you like Stephen Hawking.

Just motionless drooling.

If someone kidnapped my mom and they were like, yo, Schultz, we're gonna kill your mom.

Unless you either make Ted cum or Rebecca cum.

Becca, why don't you grab us some seltzers or something, okay?

Ted and I got a life to save.

I go in there with Ted, it's light work, okay?

I go in there, he's like, listen, we're not like, shut the fuck up, Ted.

Sit down, get your dick sucked like a man.

I go in there with Becca, we are rolling the dice.

I'm down there, I'm giving it everything.

She's up there like, I feel like you're just doing this to save your mom.

Like...

So it's easier.

We can all acknowledge that.

But that doesn't mean that we don't wanna make you cum.

We do wanna make you cum and we feel pathetic if we don't make you cum.

And here's the most fucked up part of it all.

We never know if you actually do cum. Right?

There's no sign.

It's not like your titties light up or nothing.

There's nothing. Right?

The closest we have is sometimes during sex, you be looking all beautiful and then out of nowhere you just go...

I don't know what the fuck that shit is, but if you turn into Big Ed from 90 Day Fiancé out of nowhere, you just...

I'm trying to stuff as much dick in you as I possibly can. Okay?

I squeeze my butt cheeks.

I pump and squeeze.

I think I got extra centimeter dick in my butt cheeks.

I ain't gonna lie.

I squeeze my butt cheeks, I might pop your head right out your fucking shoulders.

Fuck around with me when I squeeze my butt cheeks.

We just want validation too. Okay?

And since we never know if you orgasm, we gotta settle for the side effects of sex. All right?

That's why we're into the weird shit.

You queef, we get excited. Okay?

That same exact sound comes out of your butthole, repulsed for 48 hours.

How could you destroy the fabric of our relationship by farting in front of me like that?

That's disgusting.

That sound comes out of your pussy after sex, I got my hand to my ear like Hulk Hogan, like, let her rip, baby!

I'm waiting for it.

When my girl gets off the bed after sex, I'm waiting for that propeller to start spinning.

She takes two steps and just, Oh, babe, you taking a flight?

You going to the Bahamas or something?

I know you're not going to the Virgin Islands after what I did to you.

It's the same thing with squirting.

We know it's pee, ladies.

We're not stupid.

Obviously. It's pee.

You don't have water balloons inside you.

But here's the thing. We don't give a fuck.

Because we made you pee.

We love it. We talking shit.

Look at your sheets, you see how stupid your sheets look?

Ah, I got crop circles on your fucking sheets.

You see that shit?

Hey, hey, hey.

I might not make you cum, I'll make you do laundry.

That's a fact.

I do alone, you do alone.

That's how things work around here!

I'm kinda like, Guys, thank y'all so much, man.

Thank y'all so much.

I know exactly how all of this goes.

So real for the cameras, I don't like to pose.

When I go out a few weeks on the road.

One million, two million, three million fold.

Think that I'm stopping, you got me confused a little bit.

Who are you to say shit to me?

You seen that slope, it gets slippery.

Y'all type in riches and riches.

Every baby, daily baby, I ain't scared of heights no more.

Got me saying Russ, I got it, you don't gotta fight no more.

Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah.