Original subtitles

What was that?

That wasn't you?

No. I don't growl, asshole.

Joe, go check it out. It came from over there.

Hey, whatever happened to women's lib?

Ugh, keep walking while you're squawking.

Yeah. Babe, there's nothing here.

Keep looking, Captain Chivalry.

Nothing here.

Whoo, shake that money maker.

Oh you like that, huh?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, we're fine...

Oh my Gosh!

What?!

Keep running!

- And that's when you both ran off? - Yup.

You say you look good at our perp.

Well, I mean... Heather did.

I, I was... I was basically like...

I mean... sort of...

Well, Joe was too busy shoving me out the way

so neither of us got a good glance at him.

I was too busy... leading the way out of danger

so that you were not hurt...

Yeah. I'm sure you did, hotshot.

I'm gonna make out a report.

Here. Take my card.

If you hear or see anything, call us right away.

And in the meantime, put some damn clothes on.

Well, officer... This is a nudist colony.

That's right, detective. Maybe you should take off your clothes.

Not in this lifetime, sister.

The human body is sacred and very dirty.

It's a temple for sinners.

Unless of course, you're married.

Whatever you say, boss.

Oh, damn it!

I left my phone down in the woods.

Well Lucy, looks like it's just you and me again.

I guess so.

I came to bring my wonderful husband lunch.

How was your day?

Well it was going good until I got called out

to the Circle Double D's nudist colony.

A creature of some sort came out of the woods and attacked a young couple.

This is really baffling. Was this some sort of Yeti?

And if so, why was it attacking people?

Oh, are there really nude people out there?

As far as the eyes can see, my love.

Oh, my.

I mean, oh.

It's against my better judgement but, pack your bags.

We're gonna go up there and find out first hand if this thing exists.

We're going to the Double D?

Yes, but we won't take off our clothes.

But honey, it's a nudist colony.

Alright Mary, but you can't enjoy it, understand?

I promise.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

Ahem. Earth to Mary.

Oh, sorry.

Where were we?

You were just undressing that guy with your eyes.

Well, not necessary.

Wow.

Everyone's so friendly here.

It's kinda hard to be a jerk when you're half naked.

Yeah actually, we should take our clothes off.

Oh. I don't know, Mary.

It just doesn't seem...

Hi. Welcome to the Circle Double D Nudist Colony.

May I help you with your garments?

You won't be needing them.

- Okay? - Yes. Thanks.

With pleasure.

- I'm here to serve. - I'll remember that.

Hey, you're blocking my view.

Let's go.

Hey! Open up!

I can see you in there.

Then who's talking?

Come on, let's just go. We'll check in later.

So that girl's jaw is going to be sore for a week.

Oh, darling.

I was scoping out that path leading to the woods.

I think I'm going to follow it and see where it goes.

Oh, um. Yeah, I'll try one. Thanks.

Try one?

What are you talking about?

Well, if I get cold I'll just put a coat on.

I think the sun is getting to you. You're not making any sense, Mary.

Okay. An iced tea will be fine.

Now, where were we?

Well, I was telling you about the time that I saw the monster.

Right.

But I think she was talking about Mike...

Ooh, I've got my own monster story.

Mike was way deep in my uterus.

- The entire meat, you say? - Really?

Way, way deep if you must know.

Mm.

Well, if it's the guy I saw in the office today,

then he is definitely the right guy for the job.

Not wrong about that.

It's hot.

Yes, you are.

Hey, gorgeous.

Hi.

- Hi, Mike. - Hi.

You should've taken a dip with us.

Oh, I would have but you see, I couldn't leave the bar.

Besides, looks like you girls got on just fine without me.

- Bye, babe. We'll see you later. - Bye.

Bye.

Are you thirsty?

That's somebody else's drink.

Yeah, yeah. But I poured it.

And it's really more hungry than thirsty, really.

I haven't eaten breakfast since 6:30 this morning.

And breakfast really wasn't that big when you think about it.

I mean, I'm a growing boy.

French toast, a little cream frâche

and some pastries, of course. And you got a little fruit platter.

Coffee was good, but it really wasn't a latte of any kind.

It was just a small black coffee.

And then you have the tater tots that were nice and, just the...

eggs, but not scrambled.

- A little bit of cheese would have been... - Don't you ever shut up?

What?

I'm totally coming on to you here.

Good god.

Help me, please.

We got to get you out of here.

- No, no. No. Let's go. - Oh!

Mon... monster...

...monster.

Let me down! No!

You'll never get away with this.

What are you doing, you freak?

Are you trying to make me dance?

Well why didn't you just say that, you big oaf.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. It's completely my fault.

I'm such a cluts.

You are not a cluts.

If anything, you are an amazingly beautiful woman.

That is what you are.

- I am? - Yes, you are.

And in fact...

if you'll follow me to the boudoir,

I'd be happy to show you just how amazingly beautiful you are.

I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean...

Okay.

Behold.

Absolute beauty.

A real charmer.

Thank god.

Wow.

I forget how beautiful it is up here. You know it, Bon?

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but it is a pretty cool place.

Yeah. My parents used to take me up here before I was upstate.

I used to hate it back then

cuz it meant I had to be away from Danny Jackson for five weeks.

Ooh, I screwed Danny back... I mean, who?

You know. He was president of his fraternity.

He sat next to you in sociology.

- Sorry, not ringing a bell. - Yeah, right.

Okay, well... what can I say?

You were gone for the summer.

And we were at a party,

...and as they say, the rest is history.

I can't believe you did that.

What? It was like, 100 years ago. Who cares?

Anyways, what about Bobby Lockhart?

- Who? - Oh, don't play dumb with me.

He practically thanked you for giving him a blow job

while he was accepting his bachelor's degree.

Yeah, that was awkward.

Well let's face it, we both made mistakes.

I agree. We're both a couple of sluts.

Yeah. This makes me feel so free.

Ooh, Crystal. You have a great body.

Now it's my turn.

You like that?

Oh my God, what was that?

I think we just saw something. Let's get the hell out of here.

Where am I?

You're at Double D. You're safe now.

You saved me?

Anyway, we need to get going, okay?

- Wait, where is Tina? - Who?

My friend. I came with my friend Tina. Where is she?

I don't know. You were the only person when I got here.

So I mean I...

- Oh my god... the monster... - What monster?

Nothing. Alright, we need to get out of here right now.

Come on.

How you feeling?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

You didn't see me, Ms. Dana?

Uh, no.

Really?

Well, I think maybe you did.

I didn't see anything.

I think we're in the clear... for now.

- Are we? - Yeah.

Why don't you lean a little closer?

Now this is a monster I've been looking for.

Hands where I can see them.

But officer, we don't have any weapons.

That's what you think.

You know, you people could get into a lot of trouble,

treating this place like Hedonism II.

But who really gets hurt, officer?

That's not the point.

Local lore says that an old Indian medicine man

put a curse to who own this ranch.

Since that day, Jonah Trout,

the last rightful heir to the nudist colony has been missing

and presumed dead.

Now, I'm beginning to wonder.

- You don't think... - I don't know what to think anymore, lady.

I don't know.

Well done, ladies.

Boo!

Please let me go.

Are you alright?

I think so.

He grabbed me by the pool. What does he want?

He wants us to do a pole dance for him.

Keep dreaming, buddy.

You're forgetting... we are tied up to a pole here.

Well, I don't see dollar bills.

Dollar bills? I was thinking for 20's.

When you get right down to it though, it's actually kinda fun.

- Really? - Yeah, watch.

Such beautiful scenery you have here.

Ah yes, Circle Double D is known for it's mountainous beauty.

I'll say.

Oh, look. People humping.

You know they saw us, right?

My husband.

- Are you okay? - Not really.

That's my wife in there with "Ron Jeremy Jr."

Oh, he's no junior.

Tell me about it.

I'm sorry. I really have nothing to say on this.

That's okay. There's nothing really to say.

I'm sure you have nothing to be ashamed of

if you finally take off your clothes.

You know this is a nudist colony, for heaven's sake.

Okay, fine. Fine. I'll take off my clothes.

Okay, good.

- Okay. Happy now? - Oh yeah.

You should have done that a long time ago.

- What was that? - I don't know.

Let's go check it out.

What was that?

- What is that? - I don't know.

- Stay back! - No, come untie us!

What's going on here?

I don't know. All I know is every time I hear music,

and chicks do pole dances for me,

I feel very... human.

Oh really? What's your name?

Jonah Trout.

Not from thee Trout family?

That's right.

I heard you were dead.

Well it's been so long since I got laid

I might as well be.

Sounds to me if that curse has been lifted.

I think you are right.

Hey. If you want to get laid, everybody... just dance.

Hey. If you want to get laid, everybody... just dance.

Just dance.

I wonder if we can get hazard pay out of this.

Do we...? Go... up there?

I'll stay.

Could you do the hair again?

That's right, detective. Maybe you should take off your clothes.

This is a monster I've been looking for.

When you get right down to it though, it's actually kinda fun.

Shut up. I'm totally coming on to you here.

Okay. Happy now?

I'll stay.

I feel very... human.

You didn't see me, Ms. Dana?

Hands where I can see them.