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I am immensely successful.

[laughs]

No, I am.

And...

No, it is true.

Immensely successful, but yet...

you would think
it would be good enough being me.

Every single day,

numerous people come up to me
and they say,

"Uh, what's Larry David really like?"

[audience laughs]

[electric guitar chords playing]

[chuckles] You know, we were just filming
another season

and I said to Larry,
"Now, let me ask you a question."

Does anyone ever come up to you and go,
"Uh, what's Jeff Garlin really like?"

And he said,
"No, no one's ever done that.

It's never happened." You know.

[laughs] Yeah.

You know who does come up to me?

Holy shit! You know
who comes up to me all the time

and tells me they love me
like I'm their favorite?

Naked guys.

[audience laughs]

If I'm at the gym,

a naked guy will come up to me
in the locker room and go,

"I fucking love you!

Oh, I love Curb. I love you.
I love The Goldbergs." Whatever.

And I say, "Hey, put on some clothes.

I'm not going to talk to you
while I see your wiener.

Don't wanna have a--"

I'm very uncomfortable with male nudity.

I have to admit,
I don't like being around naked--

I was about to say, "naked mailmen."

By the way, even more,

how unsettling would it be
to be around your mailman naked?

Wouldn't that be just terrible?
A naked mailman?

That's... [laughs]

No, I... By the way, I think

there should be a sign
in every locker room that says:

"Nudity permitted,
but with a destination."

You know, you're going
to the shower: naked!

Back to your locker to get dressed:
naked!

You know, there's too many people
in locker rooms just standing naked.

If you're in a male...
Men know what I'm talking about.

In men's locker rooms,
they just stand like this.

[audience laughs]

There's always a hand on the hip.

"Yeah, that's my wiener.

Waiting for Jeff Garlin
to come to the locker room. [laughs]

Let him know how I feel."

[laughs]

Oh, fuck.

Yeah. Oh, man.

So, yeah, immensely successful,

yet I worked hard to become...

to have the career I have.

I mean, I really...

I did more shit--
I've been doing comedy...

Actually, today,

no fucking around,
and I didn't plan on this,

37 years today.

That's right.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Yeah. So, I'm like...

And I love it.

It's my... Oh, it's my joy.

I've never loved anything more.

Well, my children.

Um...

Yeah, children, comedy.
Yeah, that's the list.

So anyhow, I have done more shitty gigs

than you can imagine in 37 years.

I remember... Okay, here's one:

Lake Tahoe.

I'm playing a casino there.

Opening for me is a magician

named TC Tahoe,

who is not from Lake Tahoe,

never been to Lake Tahoe,

and is really excited to be in Lake Tahoe.

He opened with the rings.

The rings that go in and out.

Essentially you buy them,
and the guy behind the counter goes,

"You hold it at this angle
and they come apart."

You know, like, it's not magic!

The audience reaction was,

"It's magic!"

They couldn't believe that there's rings.

Wow!

All right.

He did hat,

and rabbits,

and doves...

I mean, every trick you've ever seen

that's like, "Yeah."

They're going apeshit.

He closes with

the lights go out on the stage.

He opens up his tuxedo,

in the dark,

and his cummerbund glows in the dark.

and says, "Tahoe."

-[audience laughing]
-And, uh... Yeah.

And it got a standing ovation!

[audience laughs]

And then I went out,

and I wish I would have brought crickets
for ambiance,

to add to...

Man, give me some noise.

When you play a casino,
you have to do the exact amount of time.

Like, whatever it is, to the minute.

Can't go a minute under or a minute over.

So I had to do 45 minutes of pure silence.

Oh, it was delightful.

Pure silence.

Forty-five minutes.

I come off,
the general manager is waiting for me.

He says to me,

"I think we're gonna have, uh,

TC Tahoe close the show
the rest of the week."

And I say, "You know what?
I think that's a good idea.

Much better. Let him close."

"Yeah, you won't be here."

"I won't?"

"No, we're sending ya outta here
on the midnight bus."

The midnight bus.
Who's ever heard of a midnight bus?

What kind of a midnight bus?
Tahoe's got a midnight bus.

And then he says,

"We packed up all your belongings

while you were on stage... [laughs]

and you're gonna be taken
to the midnight bus."

"Where does the midnight bus go?"

"We don't know.

We've never spoken with anyone
who's taken the midnight bus,

but you get on at midnight
and you travel."

I don't know where you'll end up,

but it's midnight,

and you're traveling,

and it's a bus.

It's the midnight--" [laughs]

So stupid.

So, understand, I've had a lot of gigs

like the midnight bus out of Tahoe.

I've never had another midnight bus,

but I've gotten fired
many times along the way.

Now, I'm gonna tell you
about the weirdest fucking gig.

Holy shit.

You're not gonna believe this.
You're gonna go, "No fucking way."

And what if I tell you...
I'm telling you this ahead of time.

Everything I'm about to tell you,
completely true.

There's no... I'm not...

There's nothing added.

It's not like, "Oh!" No!

All true.

Almost like a magic trick.

So, the name of the place

is the Stay Out All Night disco.

Yes, it's here in Chicago.

It's not here anymore.

Now, the gig... Ooh!

Sunday night, 3:00 a.m.

Oh, yeah, you heard me.
Sunday at 3:00 a.m.

Now, Saturday night at 3:00 a.m.,

you gotta be honest,
you go, "Hey. Look at you!

You're a partier.

Saturday, 3:00 a.m.? You're pushing it!

Look at you! Look at you!"

All right.

Sunday, 3:00 a.m.? You're an alcoholic.

[audience laughs]

You need to look yourself in the mirror,
talk to your family,

because this is not good.

Unless Monday is Labor Day
or Memorial Day,

you should not be out
Sunday night at 3:00 a.m.

All right.

So I get there
and the owner's name is Bill.

And, Bill, also by the way, in a tuxedo.

A red tuxedo with a red bow tie.

What if all my stories had tuxedos?

That's the name of my special:

Tuxedo Stories.

Jim tells all his goofy adventures

of people in...
[laughs] Fuck it.

-[audience laughs]
-All right. So, anyhow...

By the way,

lots of mistakes will be in the show.

I promise you
because I love genuine, real.

Fuck that smooth shit, you know.

I've spent the majority of my career
not having an act.

And tonight I have a beginning,
middle, and an end, so it's weird to me.

That's all I'm saying.

I'll do it because it's a show
and I'm being paid.

But I'm not all for it.

I like just making up shit.

-But you know...
-[audience cheering and applauding]

-Yeah.
-[applause continues]

We'll see what happens, won't we?

We will see!

We will...

You two, by the way,
are the badasses in the room.

That's right.

You just are. You have the look.
You know it.

One of you knows like karate
or some shit, right?

You do, huh? Look at you, you fucker.

You could kick fuckers' asses.
Look at you.

But yet, you're wearing shoes
with no socks. I don't get it.

-[laughing]
-I don't know why. You have a good look.

But, then again,
you're wearing boat shoes

which don't look good with socks,
but you shouldn't be wearing boat shoes.

This is not a boat.

This is not a boat.

If I was performing on a boat,
welcome aboard.

[audience laughs]

But it's not a boat,

so please choose other footwear

like your friend, socks and shoes.

Look at you, living the life.

Socks and shoes.

You, no one wants you to come over.
[laughs]

[audience laughs]

'Cause you'll take off your shoes,
everyone's like, "Fuck it!"

All right, so, Bill,

who owned the Stay Out All Night disco,

red, um... red tuxedo,

red bow tie.

And Bill said, "You're ready?"
I say, "I'm ready."

Now, let me describe the room to you.

Okay. So in front of me,

a bit back is an oval bar

with alcoholics.

Dance floor, no stage.

Okay?

Disco ball. Okay?

And here's how Bill introduced me
every time I played there.

And it was 50 bucks,

which in the '80s was like
most of my rent.

It was so exciting, that at one...
You know, I...

So, really what you're going is,

3:00 a.m. to collect part of your rent.
[laughs]

It's really not about,

"Oh, I'm going to have a great show
at 3:00 a.m. for alcoholics." All right.

So, Bill would introduce me
like this every fucking time,

"Ladies and Gentlemen,
would you please welcome Jeff Jizz."

[audience laughs]

Yes, you heard me. Now...

You have a sweet face, and I know
you don't know what jizz is.

-And let me...
-[audience laughing]

A lot of people don't, and I want...

Do you know what jizz is?
You do. Okay.

So "jizz" is a... uh,
a... slang word for "sperm."

Just... I want you included.

I don't want anyone on the outs,
and I know there's others.

There are others
who don't know what jizz is.

Many people don't know what jizz is.

You know jizz. You are your...

You've been on many a jizz boat cruise.
I know it.

-[audience laughs]
-I know you have. [chuckles]

All right, so...

Anyhow, he introduces me as Jeff Jizz.

Let me also say,

He doesn't say,
"Your first comedian, Jeff Jizz.

Here's a magician, Jeff Jizz."

Just says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Jizz."

Which means
the alcoholics are thinking to themselves,

"Does this involve jizz?"

[audience laughing]

[stammering]
"Will there be jism at some point?"

"I don't know that I want to stay

to see Jeff Jizz
and all his jizz excitement."

Okay.

Let's recap.

Bar, alcoholics.

Dance floor.

Disco ball.

Jeff Jizz.

[audience laughs]

At this point,
a screen drops out behind me,

down behind me,

and he projects on the screen
two things.

He alternates.

One of them is my first movie
that I did when I was 19 years old,

which was a movie called Spring Break.

-It was a spring break movie.
-[woman whoos]

-[applause]
-I played the immortal character,

Crazy Gut Gut.

And, uh...

I was a belly flop champion,
and I could...

By the way, I did my own belly flops

'cause I'm 19, and I'm like, "Fuck it."

You know, because 19-year-olds are stupid.

"Oh, I'll be in your movie
and do belly flops."

What a fucking idiot.

My stomach is...
Still to this day I feel the redness.

So,

he alternates clips of me in Spring Break
with porn.

[audience laughs]

And I'm Jeff... Okay, let's recap.

Bar, alcoholics.

Okay?

[chuckles] Bar with alcoholics,

dance floor,

disco ball,

Jeff Jizz,

Spring Break and porn.

Now, let me also tell you,

because I'm mentioning porn and Jeff Jizz,

this is not like a dirty place.

Yes, it's open late.
Yes, there's alcoholics.

But most of the time,
people are dancing to disco.

You know, in the '80s from the...

You know, whatever, okay.

It looks like
the movie Saturday Night Fever,

which was a movie with John Travolta.

Well, you might not know.

You might not know jizz,
you might not know Saturday Night Fever.

I don't know, you know?

I'm just letting you...
John Travolta was an actor.

[laughing]

He still is an actor,

but you probably don't go see his movies.
It's not a big thing for you.

People your age, back then,
oh, went nuts for John Travolta.

Now, you don't know.

All right.

Now,

I...

The next part,
I take responsibility for, okay?

So no one's paying attention.

I'm pretty much dying,

and I notice on my side of the bar

are two couples making out.

Like, making out hard.

Okay?

So I, um...

say, "Hey, would you guys come up here?"

And they come up and I go,
"Look, while I'm doing this,

will you guys make out
on each side of me?"

And they go, "Yeah." They do.

They don't even say, "Yeah."
They just start.

Now, let's recap.

[audience laughs]

Bar, alcoholics, dance floor,
disco ball, Jeff Jizz,

Spring Break and porn,

couples making out.

Again, I'm responsible for the next part.

I felt it wasn't going
the way I wanted it to.

I wanted to up the ante, so I said,
"How about we have a dry-humping contest?"

Well, before I could get an answer,

the guys are on the ground,
and they're on top grinding.

The ladies are grinding.

I want to establish, at no point,
did I offer a prize.

[audience laughs]

There's no prize whatsoever.

There's no rules.

I've given them no motivation to dry hump

except that they're alcoholics

dry humping for other alcoholics,

helping a young comedian who's desperate.

Now here's where the story gets weird.

[audience laughs]

I'm up on stage,
and I think I'm hallucinating, but I see,

on the other side of the bar,
a giant bald man.

Like, almost looks like he's floating.

I'm like, "Am I seeing things?"

I mean, a giant bald man.

And they're grinding.

Alcoholics,

dance floor, disco ball, Jeff Jizz.
You get it, you know.

I suddenly hear,

"I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you."

And I think to myself,
"Oh, fuck, a fight."

You know?

I turn to my left

and there's a man...

There's no fight. It's a man

coming at me with a baseball bat,
like Thor.

It appears that he wants to kill me.

And then as he comes closer,
I see it's not a baseball bat.

It's a giant rubber penis.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] And he's coming.

And I, of course, begin to run.

And he's chasing me around the club,

and I can still feel it
on the back of my neck.

The wind, you know. Voom, voom.

Voom!

Oh, it just completely...

I still have goosebumps from it. Okay.

So I run around the bar,
and then I see him.

I go, "Oh, it's the bald man.

He really exists. Giant bald man."

And I run past him.

The other guy with the voom, voom,

he comes running
and the big bald man grabs him

like he's just a little log

and throws him out the front door
into the Chicago winter,

locks the door.

He comes over to me,

"You okay?"

I go, "Yeah, I'm okay. That's so weird."

"Yeah, that guy was trouble."

I go, "Yeah." You know...

He goes, "Hi, I'm Chris."

I go, "Hi, Chris. I'm Jeff... Garlin."

He goes, "Nice to meet you, Jeff Garlin."

I go, "Yeah, thanks, Chris."
I go, "Chris...

you look so familiar.

Why do you look so familiar?
You look so familiar to me."

He goes, "Well, I...

You may know me by my, uh...
My name is King Kong Bundy.

And, uh, I go, "The wrestler?
The professional wrestler?

The famous fucking wrestler?

You, King Kong Bundy, you saved me?

[yelling] What the fuck? What the fuck?

This is so fucking weird."

And with that, Bill walks up
in his red tuxedo.

He says, "All right, go on up and finish."

I said, "Finish?"

He goes,

"Go on up and finish."

I go, "Wait a second.

Wait a second.

They're still dry humping.

Did you see what just happened?
That's quite a show.

Do I really owe you more?"

"Yeah. Do you wanna get paid?
Go finish." So...

I'm standing there trying to decide,

and he goes, "What's wrong?"
I go, "Well, you know,

I'm trying to decide
if I wanna go outside and leave

'cause that guy might be waiting for me...
[laughs]

with the penis and I don't want him
beating me with the..."

So I went up and I finished.

And by the way,
they could be dry humping to this day.

They didn't... I didn't even talk to them.

I leave and King Kong Bundy
walked me to my car.

Which was also fucking weird

that this great '80s wrestler
walked me to my car.

And the whole way home,
I'm going, "King Kong Bundy saved me

and walked me to my car. What is it?"

And by the way, that is the weirdest story

and nothing was changed.

There's no innocent in that story
to be protected.

I might be the innocent
that needs protecting.

It's, um...

Wow. And, you know...

Look,

I'm at a point in my career where I think,

"Oh, I'll never be fired.
How can I be fired?" You know.

And, uh...

By the way, almost fired
from The Goldbergs this past season.

I was.

A lot of days on The Goldbergs, I, um...

I sit in a Barcalounger in tighty whities

for the whole day, and I think to myself,

"Who did I blow to get this job?"

[audience laughing]

Because... [laughing]

It's true!

I can't believe it. Then I'll go,
"Can someone get me an iced tea?"

And someone brings me an iced tea.

So,

no matter where I'm at,
you know, no matter where I am at,

when I stand up, I always go,
"Ah, my vagina."

"Ah, achy vagina."

"My vagina's killing me."

This particular day,
I don't know who it was,

but one of the crew members
was offended,

and they contacted Sony HR

and, uh, I get called in,

and they go, "Look, you can't do this."
and I go, "Oh, yes, I can."

They go, "You might get fired."

I go, "I'd love to be fired
and have it hit the papers.

Cover of TMZ:

'Jeff Garlin Fired
Because His Vagina Hurts'."

[audience laughing]

And I go, "No."

And I gave...

Hold on, I gave empathy
to the HR department.

I go, "Look, I get it.

If I was working at an insurance company,

and there's a bunch of desks,
and every time I stood up, I went,

'Oh, my vagina!'

That's wildly inappropriate.

But I'm on a comedy, I'm a comedian.

Let's get over. I don't have a vagina.

I think everyone knows that."

-Yeah.
-[audience applauding]

Can I also add...

Oh, may I add,

I don't know why
women don't use that as an excuse.

Seriously, you don't want
to go somewhere, just go,

"Yeah, you know, my vagina's killing me.

I can't make it."

No man, no man will argue.

No man will ever argue.

We'll do everything we can
to get it back in working order.

"What do you need? What do you want?

Ice? Want me to go to the store?"

"No, just leave me alone."
"I'm leaving you alone. I'm outta here.

That vagina's gotta get better!"

Now,

another thing that I think... I thought.

I remember watching Columbo

and watching the murderer get arrested,

and thinking,
"I'm not gonna get arrested. I'm 50.

Another guy got arrested.
I'm not gonna get arrested."

About a week later, I was arrested.

-[audience laughs]
-[clears throat] Yes. Yes, yes.

It happened in a parking lot
in Studio City,

uh, California.

And I was going to a drugstore

to pick up

ear infection medicine for one of my sons.

And, um, the parking lot

is one of those parking lots
where all the spaces are on an angle,

so it's one way as you go around,
you know?

And so I went all around the parking lot.

It's packed.

A million cars. I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, I'm never gonna get a space."

I go, "Let's do it." I go one more time.

Words that haunt you.

I do it another time.

I see a space, some people coming,
it's opening up.

I turn my signal on,

and I'm sitting there, and it's all set.

[stammering] Two seconds later,

okay, a...

big Mercedes sedan pulls up,
going the wrong way.

And for me, I'm going,
'cause I can't move,

[yelling] "What are you doing?"
She can't hear me.

"What are you doing?" You know.

And she says, "I'm going in there."

And I'm like, "How?"

"I'm going in there."

[yelling]
"You can't do that. How do you do that?"

"I'm going in there."

"There's no way."

"I'm doing it. I'm going in there."

The only way that she was
going to go into this space

is if I got out of my car,

told the eight cars behind me to back up,

and then I back up

and she does a 30-point turn.

[audience laughs]

Yes, then the space can be hers.

So, when the people pull out,
they pull out forward and they go out,

so there's that angle ready for me.
She's there.

And I wait a few beats
because I want to see if she's nuts.

To me, she's already nuts,
but I want to see if she's bonus nuts.

Holy shit.

So I wait.

She doesn't turn because she can't.

I turn in... I love that you looked at me
and went, "Right."

You know, but that's the feeling
that I want.

I want the feeling of like,
"Man, I'm just talking to you."

[speaks indistinctly]

It's a friendly conversation.
What's your name?

-Jamie.
-Hey, Jamie. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good. Thanks for coming to a show.

Thank you. It's good to be here
in Chicago. Jamie's a good guy.

Is that your girlfriend or your wife?

Um, friend from college.

Friend from college.

[softly] Yeah.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

College was tough with her around,
wasn't it?

Yeah, you're in college.
What's your name? Yeah, Lydia.

Lydia, you think
your name is spelled "Lydia,"

period.

No, it's big glow-in-the-dark letters

that say "Lydia" with an exclamation point
in his world.

[audience laughs]

You're "Lydia!"

You're "Lydia!"

Oh, that's Lydia!

Oh, Jamie.

That's Lydia!

Jamie,

I've been you only too many times.

The torture of the unrequited love.

Lydia, Lydia, Lydia...

And does Lydia live here in Chicago?

Oh, so it's a constant torture.

You thought it was gonna be over
after college.

No, but now she lives in Pilsen.

What the fuck is going on?

What kind of torture are you dealing with?

And Lydia's probably dating a guy
that's a douche.

[audience laughs]

There's a guy
that you're not too crazy about

and Lydia thinks he's a great guy.

We know he's a dick.

And by the way,

one day she will discover.

Oh, Jamie, she will discover,

but at that point, you'll have moved on.

It will be too late for you, Lydia.

Too fucking late to get Jamie.

-But here's the sad part of it.
-[audience applauding]

Hold on.

Hold on.

Don't think that Jamie wins.

Yes, he's with someone else,

but there will always be Lydia.

No matter what goes on,
or how many kids you have.

Lydia. Memories of Lydia.

And then, on Facebook,
you'll reacquaint with one another.

[audience laughing]

And then,
the conversations will get a little flirty

and a little inappropriate.

And Lydia, at this point,
you're married, too.

You're both married.

Yet it's flirty conversation
and you think...

You think of what could be.
Then you find out

you're both gonna be in Milwaukee
on a business trip.

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God.

Jamie and Lydia are in Milwaukee.

And you meet in a bar
and there's electricity in the air.

Jamie can't fucking believe it.

Is it gonna happen finally with Lydia?

And then Lydia, you get control of things
and you say, "Jamie,

we both have good lives.

Let's not ruin it."

And Jamie looks at you and goes,
"You're right."

On the inside he's going,
[screaming] "Fuck!

Still...

Still... Still, I don't get Lydia."

And it ends there.

It ends there.

Yet, both of your significant others
think you fucked each other.

So you got that to deal with.

It's never gonna be clean.
That's my point.

My point is it's never gonna be
what you want it to be.

And I just wish the best for both of you.

And Jamie is a good guy.

So before all that shit happens,

dump the asshole, go with Jamie,

as of tonight, make out with him.

-[cheering]
-Just make out.

Making out is not a commitment,

but you'll see how it feels,
and if he's not a good kisser, fuck him.

He should be a good kisser.
It's his responsibility.

And if he can't...

But if he does kiss you nicely,
give him a shot.

Give Jamie a shot.
Invite him down to Pilsen.

[audience laughs]

You know.

[chuckles]

All right. Thank you.

-All right, so...
-[audience whooping and cheering]

Thank you.

Oh.

So,

okay.

So I wait because she's nuts.

We're back to the parking story.
You know where I'm at, okay.

There was a little bit of a... Okay. So...

I pull in the space.

As I'm pulling in the space

and I looked at her,

she does this to me...

And immediately I think to myself,

"Is she making fun of me for being fat?

Is this like a fat thing that she's doing?

What the hell is she doing? This is crazy.

Who does that?"

I go right into righteous indignation.

You know, right into it.

And I'm furious. I can't believe it.

So I'm thinking as I park,
"Why would she do that?

That's so mean.
Why would she do that to me?

Oh, the feelings it's bringing up.
This is horrible. I don't like it!"

I get out of my car. She's still there,

and people are honking at her.
She's created chaos.

I go up to her window,
and I go, [yelling] "Hey!"

Her window shatters.

[audience laughs]

Believe me, nobody's more shocked than me.

Because believe me, I'm like,
"Where the fuck did that come from?"

It's almost like a superhero origin story.

You know, "When did you first realize
you had superpowers?"

"Well, in order for me to become powerful,

someone has to make fun of me
for being fat."

That's how... That's my secret thing.

You make fun of me for being fat,

and then my right arm becomes
incredibly powerful. [laughs]

Marvel has bought the rights.

So... By the way, it doesn't fall on her,

it's just like shattering right there,

but still I'm freaked out

and I back up and, uh...

She gets out of her car,
"Why did you do that?

Why did you do that?
What were you doing to me?

[stammering] Why did you hit...
Why did you do that?"

I go, "I am so sorry.
I didn't mean for that to happen.

I'm so sorry.

I will pay for your window. I'm sorry."

And she goes, "Police! Police!"

And I go, "I'm not gonna hurt you.
You can see I have a buffer zone.

As you move closer to me, I move backward.

I'm buffering. There's a buffer."

And I'm explaining buffering to her.

Her friend gets out of the car,
and I go to her friend, I go,

"I'm so sorry," and she's screaming.

And I give her friend my driver's license.

And, uh... [chuckles]

And I say,
"I'm so sorry. I'll pay for it."

You know, and...

So she's still screaming, "Police."
She's like...

And you know, I get asked

if I ever have any
Curb Your Enthusiasm moments.

Like, times where I do something

that's kind of Larry David-like.

And the answer is "no."

I'm me. I don't do that stuff.

Larry imagines it, you know.

But this was the one time I did.

She's starting to calm down.

She's calmed down,
and I walk up to her and I go,

"Let me ask you a question."

[audience laughs]

[cheering and applauding]

"Were you making fun of me for being fat?"

She loses her shit.

She comes charging at me and goes,

"Yes, because you are fat,
and you have a small penis."

[audience laughs]

I'm like, "Oh, my. Wow."

Wow, and so,

she then begins a dance. She goes...

[audience laughs]

Right?

No. And, uh...

She's... [chuckles]

She's doing a dance and I'm scared.

And the buffer is not strong enough.

And so I figure
I've given my driver's license.

They have my information.

It's not like wreck and run
or whatever you'd call it.

I go into the drugstore
with the prescription.

And I figure they'll be gone.

Everyone will be calmed down.
It will be fine.

I go in the drugstore. I'm a wreck.

I'm nervous.

I give my prescription to the pharmacist.
They say it will be about ten minutes.

So immediately I go
to the food department...

uh, to deal with my anxiety.

And what I do is,

I thought, "Let me be constructive here."

I bought a bag of Twizzlers.

A big bag.

And a big bag of Red Vines

and I did a compare and contrast.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

I did and...

By the way, both delightful.

So enjoyable.

I ate the whole bag, both bags.

'Cause I just... Like a vacuum.

But according to my calculations,

Twizzlers wins 51 to 49%.

And I'd say only because I'm from Chicago,

and I'm more of a Twizzler person,

but if I was from L.A., it would have been
the reverse score.

That's all I'm saying.
As a Chicagoan, Twizzlers.

All right, so...

[chuckles] I have my sugar.

I have my prescription.

I go outside. Things have calmed down.

Oh, it's quiet out there.

There's nobody out there
except for the lady and a police car.

And the lights are going. No siren.

They're parked there.

I go, "Oh shit, all right."

So I go over, and I explain what happened,

and I was arrested.

The reason I was arrested was because

they told me that if it was
a Toyota Corolla from, let's say, 1998,

I wouldn't be arrested,

but because it's a new Mercedes S-series,

I am being arrested for felony vandalism.

Oh, that's right.

Felony fucking vandalism.

And I get put into...

I get handcuffed, I get put
into the back of the police car

which does not have a seat.

You think, "Oh, it's got a seat"
No, it does not.

It has a plastic shelf.

A hard-plastic shelf

with no seat belt, which means,
you get in an accident, dead prisoner.

Sorry. They get in the thing,
there's a chase...

Dead prisoner.

By the way, it's the kind of hard plastic
like on a kid's slide.

You know, those little...
Really hard plastic. Just a very...

And by the way, at no point do I say,

"Do you know who I am?" Any of that shit.

Fuck that. That's embarrassing.

Although looking back, wish I had.

[audience laughs]

I'm also wishing for something weird.

I never wish to be recognized.

I'm honored if someone comes up to me
and says,

"I dig you." Whatever, naked guy.

[chuckles] But that being said,

I never, "Oh, I hope that someone..."

So all I'm thinking is that I hope
that one of the police officers

at the police station is like,
"Oh, Jeff Garlin. What the fuck?

Let's get him outta here." You know?

So... I...

I go to the police station.

Not one police officer knows who I am.
Not one.

However, every prisoner does.

[laughing]

If they've got cuffs on
or they're in a cell,

they know me, you know?

And, uh... "Hey, what are you doing here?
I can't believe it."

I go, "Felony vandalism."

And they go, "Oh!" "How about you?"

"I was naked in the park.
I love your show.

I love your show."

So they put me in a cell, and...

By myself, 'cause they see
the other prisoners...

There's excitement.
"Let's keep this guy away."

So, about ten hours later,
they let me leave.

They have to send your prints
to Washington

to make sure you're not a terrorist.

And then...

I get sent out the back
because my entertainment lawyer

has hired a criminal lawyer,

and they're there to drive me home,

and I realize that when I...

[chuckles]

I'm going home and I'm kinda thinking,
"Maybe I should stay here in prison,

um, 'cause I know when I get home

that somebody's not gonna
be pleased to see me."

And I will not...
"Oh, what happened? Are you okay?"

And I know my wife's
gonna just fucking hate me

and blame me and blame me.

Because, by the way,
let me say this to you, and I mean this,

some people say the first year of marriage
is the toughest.

I say the last year is.

-[audience laughs]
-Um...

-[audience applauds]
-Yeah.

All right, where was I in the story?

Oh, so...

they dropped the charges.

Okay? My lawyer says,

"Look, they dropped the charges,
but you have to see the city attorney.

Wants to make sure you're not an asshole."

And I'm like, "I'm not an asshole."

I'm not creepy, and I'm not an asshole."

Uh, he says, "And you should go
to anger management before you see him."

I'm like, "Anger management?

Like people sitting in a circle?"

"No, no. It's one-on-one."
I go, "But I don't have an anger problem."

He goes, "Whether you do or don't,
go to anger management.

It will look better for you."

So I go to anger management,

and I discovered something.

I don't have an anger problem.

It was clear.
But you know what I discovered?

I have an ego problem.

Not an ego problem
in terms of that I'm so great.

An ego problem
that I get into righteous indignation

if someone insults me.

So what I learned is

that humbleness and confidence
are delightful.

That's the way to go.

Strange bedfellows.
You think they don't belong together.

Oh, but they do,
'cause ego doesn't do shit.

And I gotta be honest. I would...

No kidding around, I would go through
the whole arrest thing again,

and it was horrifying for me.

And it pretty much destroyed my marriage.
[laughs]

But I would... [laughs]

I would go through it again
to learn that lesson

about humbleness and confidence
'cause it's delightful.

And I also learned that

I thought I could eliminate ego,

but no, we all have it.
It's in all of us, you know.

You just gotta recognize it
and go, "No, thank you."

Like, if you're doing something,
go, "Why am I doing this?"

or "Why did I do this?" Learn from it.
I'm just... You know.

Anyhow, you know...

Parents hear...
You hear this from parents all the time.

We do mean it, and until you have a child,
you think it's fucking stupid.

When I was little, I thought it was stupid
when I'd hear my parents say it.

Which is, "You'd die for your children."

"You'd die for your kids."

But the bigger question for me

wasn't, "Would I die for my children?"

But, "Would I live for my children?"
"Would I live for my children?"

I say that because I'm an addict,
and my problem is, uh...

was milkshakes,

and cookies, and cake,

and ice cream.

Like, all that shit.
Let me tell you something,

I haven't had sugar
for about almost two years.

And let me tell you a little secret.

It's not hard.
The first two weeks are fucking hell.

And then after that, it's delightful.
You know what, I don't miss any of it

except ice cream.

Ice cream is like one of those things
that's just so fucking perfect.

And it's a sensation, and it's like...

To me, ice cream is proof of God.

If you're an atheist,
you've never had ice cream.

'Cause you would eat ice cream and go,
"Yeah, there's a god. There's a god."

I think atheists don't have sex
or ice cream.

That's my opinion. You want my opinion?

They... No atheist has had an orgasm

or a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.

Uh...

I'm not against atheists.
That's your choice, but you're wrong

because of ice cream and sex.

And the birth of children.

And I dream of two of those.

It would be weird
if I dreamed of the birth of my children.

"What did you dream about?"
"My kids were born. It was delightful."

No, but I do dream
about ice cream and sex.

I sometimes wake up from a dream,
[yelling] "Ah! I had ice cream."

And I'm upset
because it ruins my sobriety,

but I go,
"Oh, thank God, I didn't have ice cream.

Other times I wake up in the morning,
[yelling] "Ah! I had sex!"

and then I go,
"Uh, no, I didn't have sex."

[chuckles] You understand what I'm saying?

So, what I'd like to do right now

is take you on the journey.

The journey with me
to see where I started at

and see how I got to a place of sobriety.

And I think... I hope you dig it.

Let's start with me in my 20s.

Okay?

I'm 25 years old.

I get hired to be in a movie,
Robocop 3.

The good one.

[audience laughs]

The one we all watch over the holidays.

The one that brings families together.
[laughs]

"I never talked to my brother
until I saw Robocop 3.

Thank you, Jeff Garlin."

And in Robocop 3,

I played the doughnut guy.
The guy at the doughnut shop.

The doughnut jerk to be specific,
like a soda jerk.

That's where they got the name from.

A doughnut jerk serving the doughnuts.

Now, I'm wearing my doughnut costume,

which is an apron, t-shirt, jeans.

And I'm standing in a doughnut shop,
a real doughnut shop in Atlanta, and...

and there's a glass case in front me,
a glass case behind me

filled with doughnuts.

And I figured they're not real doughnuts,

and I say to one of the crew members,
I go, "Are these doughnuts real?"

He goes, "Yeah, they just baked them.
They're all fresh."

I forgot I was in a movie.

[audience laughs]

I was just like, "What the hell?

Wow!

Wow!"

And then I realize again
that I'm in the movie, "What do I do?"

I'm trying to work the whole thing out,
so I come up with this idea.

Oh, fucking brilliant.

I say, um...

I ask one of the crew members. I go,

"Would you ask the director?
I want to be the doughnut guy

who eats doughnuts
while he's selling them."

And then I get the word,

"Yes, the director says
that will be fine."

I'm like, "Look at me.

Look at me."

Because by the way,
I would have flown to Atlanta

if someone just offered free doughnuts.

"Come on down." I wouldn't have noticed
I paid for a fucking ticket

to go down, but free doughnuts.

I gotta experience that.

So, we start filming a little after 7:00,

and we film 12 hours,

and every scene
I'm fucking eating the doughnuts.

And at the end of the night,
I realize, 'cause I counted,

I'd had 36 doughnuts.

-[audience laughs]
-Oh, yes.

Thirty-six doughnuts.

And by the way,
here's what a sick fuck I was,

the 36th doughnut...

tasted as good as the first doughnut.

No difference along the way.

The joy...

The joy that I had with the doughnuts!

Oh, I was so happy
with the doughnuts. Okay.

So, about 12 hours later, we're done.

And, uh, we're in a van, a pass van,
to take us back to our hotel,

and the guy who played the bad guy
in the scene says to me, he goes,

"Are you okay?"

And I go, "Why?"

He goes, "Well, you look like a ghost.

Your face is all sweaty and pasty,
and you look terrible."

And I'm like,
"I don't feel so good.

I don't feel good."

And he goes, "What's the matter?"
I go, "I ate 36 doughnuts."

[audience laughs]

Everyone in the van, including the driver,

"You ate 36 doughnuts?
Who the hell eats 36 doughnuts?"

I go, "Don't mention it.
I'm so sick. I want to go to my room.

[whimpers] I just... I'm so sick."

So the bad guy goes,
"What room are you in?"

I tell him what room I'm in,
and then he says,

"Just wait for me there."

And I'm hoping he brings me
some Alka-Seltzer.

Seems like a three-Alka-Seltzer night.
A pack and a half.

And he comes to my room,

and he rolls a joint.

He gives it to me, he lights it,
and he says,

"Take a few hits of this."

I took like two hits.
That's all I remember.

I slept for 12 hours.

I did.

Woke up, felt fine,
went out for fried chicken.

[audience laughing]

By the way, and pie. Ate some apple pie.

Yes, and I was fine.
That's what a sick fuck I was.

Now,

let's move... let's move

to the next decade,

my late-30s.

I'm married. I have two children,

and my wife sends me to Costco.

And on the way to Costco,
is a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

Yes, and I played a little game.

If the light was on that said

they were warm and fresh and ready,

I stopped.

No light,

off to Costco.

However,

I discovered
that if you go around the block

once, maybe twice, the light comes on.

[audience laughs]

I'm not saying there's a sensor.

Maybe they recognize...
"It's Jeff Garlin!

He once had 36 doughnuts!" [laughs]

"We need to make our quota.
Turn the light on."

So,

I go in, and no,

I don't eat 36 doughnuts anymore.

I've got responsibilities.
I've got children.

I don't even eat six doughnuts. Why?
'Cause there's a title for it: half dozen.

There's a name for it.

By the way, you have kids, you're in 30s,

who has a half dozen doughnuts?
You're a pig, you know?

But never in my life, at this point,
have I ever had

a single doughnut.

I've never had one.
I don't even know what that's like.

I know how to start.
Like when I have the first doughnut,

it's never going to be a single doughnut.
It's on its way to a journey.

[audience laughs]

Two doughnuts is a couple,

but it's also "some."

"Some" is also three, four and five.

So, I eat the most under the "some" label,

which is five.

So, if I say I had some doughnuts,

people will think,
"Oh, he had a couple doughnuts."

[softly] Five.

And I always get the same: glazed.

Delightful, delightful.

And I get the glazed doughnuts
and I get a...

non-fat skim milk, you know, and...

Well, I like the flavor,
but also you cut calories where you can.

[audience laughs]

And I sit down, and I'm enjoying it.

They have a little dining area
at Krispy Kreme. [laughs]

It's so crazy that they did that.

I look across and there's a gentleman

and that gentleman may be having "some,"
or a half dozen.

I don't know.

But what I see, and I'm judging him,

I have to admit it,

I'm going, "That fucker is eating
all chocolate doughnuts."

And at Krispy Kreme,
they put chocolate over the glaze.

It's just... wrong.

And I'm going,
"What kind of pig? Look at him."

And then as I take a closer look,
I notice...

he's drinking chocolate milk

with his chocolate doughnuts.

I lose a gasket.
I'm like, "What the fuck?

Who does that? What kind of pig is he?

Sloth. Piece of shit!"

I'm like really judging him.

And I'm starting to get...
As I get angry, I'm getting higher.

I'm like, [wearily] "Oh, fuck, man.

Oh, fuck.

I'm so tired.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I gotta get home.

I'm so out of it."
'Cause I found out, by the way,

a few years earlier
that I had a sugar sensitivity

called diabetes.

[audience laughs]

And...

[chuckles] And, no, that didn't stop me.

That did not stop me.

No, I kept going.

Then I go home,

and I get there, and my wife would say,
"Where's the stuff from Costco?"

And...

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] I'd realize...

And then I'd sleep for 12 hours,

and I'd wake up.

And it wasn't pleasant.

There was no fried chicken waiting for me.

It wasn't good.
And, by the way, I was at fault.

Huh.

I'm in my 40s,

doing Curb Your Enthusiasm,

and I get invited to a lot of...

celebrity golf tournaments.

I'm not a real golfer.

I play it when on Curb,

but I play nine holes on occasion.

I take golf lessons,
but I'm not really a golfer,

but I'll go occasionally
to these tournaments.

Whatever they are,
celebrity things for charity.

And...

this particular one,

every hole...

they have Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Served by a Playboy Playmate...

in a bikini.

Oh, yes.

Oh, fucking yes.

[sighs deeply]

So, 17 holes.

I don't talk to a Playmate,

and I don't eat a doughnut.

Look at me. Look at me.

Then I make a decision.

And my decision is this:

It's the 18th hole.

"You've never had one doughnut.

You don't know what that's like.

Try one doughnut.

See what it's like to have one
and live like normal humans.

Have one doughnut."

So I go over to the Playmate,

have a little conversation.

By the way, we're still friends.

It's true.

She gives me my doughnut.

I, uh...

take my doughnut,

open my mouth, go to take a bite,

a bee flies in my mouth

and stings me in the roof of my mouth.

[audience laughs]

I think that's a pretty strong message,
don't you?

"Hey, man. You had 36.

You had some.

Time to stop."

Do I stop?

No.

But here's what slows me down. Ready?

In my 50s,

late 50s or whatever 50s, mid-50s,

early 50s,

in the 50s area.

Maybe at a sock hop.

I don't know. I'm just saying 50s a lot.

So,

Uh, I get a catalog.
I used to receive this catalog,

I don't know if they're
in business anymore,

called Living XL.

And what it is,
it's a catalog for fat people.

"Hey, you're fat.

You wanna keep living the fat lifestyle?
We make things easy on you.

We got lots of products for you,
the fat man."

First page, they have a toenail clipper
that you don't have to bend.

[audience laughing]

They've got a hammock for a 700-pounder.

A hammock for a 700-pounder!

Uh... What do you weigh?

160!

Getting out of a hammock not easy
for even the 160-pounder.

When was the last time
you were in a hammock?

Two years ago.

What kind of life are you leading?

You need to lay down in a hammock

and kick off those boat shoes.

Just lay there and think,
"I should buy some socks

and some real shoes."

And then think to yourself,

"That Lydia, she was pretty attractive.

Maybe if I wore socks,
I could steal her from Jamie."

Then you meet Lydia and she goes,
"That was never Jamie's."

[chuckles]

I'm just making up these fucking stories.

My point being,
it's delightful laying in a hammock.

But 700 pounds... [laughs]

Let's say you're 600 pounds,
and you're in a hammock.

You ain't getting up again.

You're there forever.

I'm glad it holds you
'cause you're there forever.

They have a bicycle for a 600-pounder.

That's right.

How many 600-pounders do you know who go,

"You know what?
I'd love to go for a bike ride.

There isn't a bike that could hold me.
I wish there was.

I'd go. I'd be out there biking."

So here's what happened:

the next page...

and I don't even know the product,
I was blind to the product,

there was a fat model,

fat gentleman,

looked kinda handsome,

and then I realize, "What the fuck?

That's you."

How the fuck am I in a fat catalog?

I'm like, "Is that me?"

It wasn't me,
but the fucker looked just like me.

And vanity made me go,

"I don't want to look
like a fucking fat model. A fat model?

I don't want to be a fat model."

Who the fuck thinks, "When I grow up,
I want to be fat and model"?

So that sort of woke me up,
and I started to change my...

Not children and diabetes... [laughs]

and living a healthy life.

No, seeing a fat model goes,
"Jeff, time to change."

But it wasn't only that, you know.

What also happened was, look,

I had a...

very tough year.

A very tough year.

My mom died.

I got divorced.

My dogs died.

[audience] Aw...

I don't know why people moan
when my dogs die.

I don't get that.

"My mom dies, I get divorced."

"Well, that happens,
but rarely do two dogs die."

Un-fucking-believable.
That's the one that touches your heart.

"You lost two dogs. Were they puppies?"

No, it was a tough year.

And, you know,

and I tend to rise up
when things are at their worst.

I'm at my best
when things are at their worst.

And I stopped eating sugar.

I started taking much better care
of myself. I was more thoughtful.

And the reason being is
the one lesson that I learned,

the one lesson that I learned was...

uh... to be kind to myself

which is the hardest fucking thing
in the world to do,

to be kind to yourself.

It's so easy to say,
"Be kind to yourself."

But what I do is, every morning,

when I get up,

I look in the mirror

and I go, "Hey!

It's you!"

And, mind you,
I don't look so good in the morning.

You have to rise up to fucking do that,
but what is does is

it sets a tone for the day,
a fucking tone for the day.

You know, my days are pretty good
until maybe I eat wrong

or say something I regret. [laughs]

One of them are gonna happen.

Then I have a nice Americano.
It kinda turns around.

Then I go home,
I take a nap, I wake up, I go to bed.

I love napping so much.

And, you know, I tell my children

about joy and I tell them, "Hey,

take what you do seriously,
but don't take yourself seriously.

Be kind to yourself,
but if you do something, do it serious."

And I also tell my boys...
Oh, fuck, I tell them this,

"Hey,

don't follow your dreams...

[scattered laughter]

unless your dreams are
what you're great at.

Do not."

Because...

I know too many miserable people
in Los Angeles

who followed their dreams,
and they're not very good.

And they would've been better off
doing what they were great at.

Let's say you're form St. Louis.
I'm very sorry to begin with,

-but--
-[audience laughs]

By the way,

I once played Indianapolis
and my opening...

Once played Indianapolis.

...and my opening line was,

"You know you don't have to live here."

[audience laughs]

They laughed, so I fucking love them.

I'd go back. They're good people.

I don't know
if St. Louis would laugh at themselves.

They may write Netflix,

"Dear Netflix, one of your comedians...

Fuck you. Uh... Go Cardinals.
Fuck you!

We lost the Rams. We're furious.

We didn't feel that way
when we took the Rams from Los Angeles,

but now that the shoe's on the other foot,
fuck it.

What's going on? I want to die!

I live in St. Louis. Make it stop!

Please, Netflix, make it stop.

Take St. Louis away."

All right, by the way,
who writes like that?

What a weird letter, squiggly.

Someone from Netflix, "This writing,

I'm not sure. Charlie, you take it."

"All right. I don't know.
Jim, you take it."

"All right. I'm from St. Louis.
Maybe I can read this.

Um, it appears to be my father." [laughs]

"My father has written to Netflix.

He wants to leave St. Louis."

So, no.

Let's say you're from St. Louis
and you sing, you love singing.

Oh, fuck, you love singing
and you're a good singer.

Not great, but good.

Maybe even really good,

but not great.

But yet, you're great at math.

Here's what I say you do.

Don't go follow your dreams
in Nashville or New York or Los Angeles.

No.

You don't even have to stay
in St. Louis but go...

and become an accountant.

Become an accountant
'cause you're great with numbers.

And then with all the money that you make

from being an accountant, you...
[chuckles]

With all the money you make,
buy some recording time.

Record some music.

Give it to your friends.

Let them tell you,
"You made the right decision."

[audience laughs]

So,

[audience applauding]

So, I'm not...

I mean that. I mean everyone's like,
"Go follow your dreams.

Follow your whimsy."

No!

You could be miserable.

[audience member whooping]

[applauding]

What if that was to show off?

"You know, I didn't feel the show
was going the way I wanted it to.

It felt like if I gulped some water,
I'd earn them back.

Once they watch me gulp water,
I'll be their favorite all-time comedian.

That's my secret plan
before I start filming,

and I'm also gonna start
talking like this."

[audience laughs]

So, look,

I gotta tell you...

I mentioned how much I love napping.
I love staying home.

The idea that you left your homes

to come see me...

You fuckers.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.
That's so kind of you.

-And I want to... Thank you.
-[audience applauding]

-[audience cheering]
-No.

You could be napping.
You could do anything.

Now I wanna talk to, if I may...

Do I go there or there?
I want to be specific.

[camera operator] Right here.

There or there?

Say... This one.

I want to talk to the people at home

who've watched this special on Netflix.

Holy shit, you've made it to the end.

You didn't just turn away

and watch Stranger Things. You fuckin'...

You stayed with me the whole time.
I'm indebted.

What a compliment!
But I also wanna say, holy shit,

John Mulaney's got a special on Netflix.
He's got a few of them.

You didn't watch John Mulaney,
or maybe you already did,

and you're watching me.
But I wanna also say,

if you've never seen John Mulaney,

turn off this special,
go watch John Mulaney.

He's better than I am.

He's my favorite comedian.

So go watch John Mulaney if you haven't.

If you have, watch it again. Why not?

You know, it's enjoyable.
And thank you for staying till the end.

Thank you for staying till the end.

I'll see you again. Thank you.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Thank you.

[strumming loudly]

[reverberating]

[strumming loudly]

[reverberating]