Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

( music playing )

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ All my friends ♪

♪ Know the lowrider ♪

♪ The lowrider ♪

♪ Is a little higher ♪

( music continues )

- ( hoots ) - ( music ends )

Orale, Phoenix!

Orale, HBO!

Orale, raza!

Let me say this about immigration

so you finally hear it from a Latino.

We ain't going "nowheres," ey!

No... "wheres"!

The stupidest thing to do is to assume

that we're all from Mexico.

( affected voice ) "Well, what part of Mexico are your ancestors from?"

( normal ) Los Angeles, bitch.

I got a breathtaking view of the King Taco.

It's lovely.

I watch people get shanked every weekend.

Ftt, ftt, ftt.

My feet are cold. Ay...

If immigrations law pass,

they say that 1.2 million Mexicans

would have to go back to Mexico. 1.2!

¿Sabes qué? That's seven quinceañeras.

That ain't shit!

That ain't shit!

1.2? That's seven quinceañeras and two weddings.

That'll never make a dent. Batos, ¿sabes qué?

( Hispanic accent ) Tía, they got me. I gotta go back to Mexico.

I got a smog check and the guy saw me

and they put a finger...

I'll be right back, though. Watch my plate.

Tía, go like that so flies don't get on it.

( normal ) Let me ask you this,

who do you think is running this country?

- Guess. - ( mariachi music playing )

( screams )

Yeah!

- ( music stops ) - That's who!

Look at all the white people.

( affected voice ) I am so scared right now.

I am...

I am so scared. I wanted to try to find a guy to do tile,

but now I'm afraid to ask.

I am so scared.

The guy next to me looks like he does drywall,

but I'm...

I am assuming right now they are all gang-related. Let's go.

( normal ) You know what?

White people don't even want to talk to each other anymore.

They send text messages.

( affected voice ) Oh, my God.

O-M-G.

Oh, my God. O-M-G.

I came to the show to maybe L-O-L.

Maybe L-M-A-O.

Laugh my ass off.

And to kind of bond and maybe we would be B-F-F.

Best friends forever.

( normal ) I wanna add one to the list.

F-T-P. You know what that means?

"Fuck that puto."

Fuck... that...

puto!

You wanna see how it works?

President Bush... fuck that puto!

Fuck... that...

puto!

( affected voice ) Now I'm leaving. Come on, Cameron, let's go.

( normal ) President Bush has got Latinos in his family!

What the fuck? They gotta go back to where they came from, too?

They don't know what to do about illegal immigration.

President Bush is like, "Uh, we're gonna try the wall... and the wall--"

Now they want to dig a ditch

and put alligators in the ditch.

I'm like, "You know what, motherfucker? Put alligators,

in an hour they'll be shoes and belts."

Go for it.

They'll be souvenirs in an hour and a half.

( Hispanic accent ) ¿Señora, quiere comprarme un cinto?

Cocodrilo, cocodrilo. Touch.

Tócale, my friend. What you want, my friend?

Tócale, belts. Cocodrilo, cocodrilo.

You like? For your sister, my friend? Touch it, touch it. Touch it.

Tócale, tócale, tócale, tócale.

Tócale.

How much? Eh, gimme $40.

No? Okay, gimme five.

( normal ) Fucking Latinos are some badass business people, aren't they?

They'll sell you a blanket that's still warm.

They don't give a shit.

Governor Schwarzenegger... fuck that puto!

Fuck... that... puto!

( affected voice ) F-T-P. I got it now.

I got it!

F-T-P, fuck that "pluto." It's fantastic.

( normal ) Governor Schwarzenegger is for "English only."

Okay, that's-- that's good, but, you know, the problem there is, motherfucker,

you don't speak English.

( speaking gibberish in German accent )

( normal ) I've had uncles who are drunk

that I can understand better than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

( German accent ) I'll be back--

If you want to leave, get to the chopper!

If you want to leave-- ( speaks gibberish )

( normal ) Arnold Schwarzenegger being in favor of "English only"

would be like lesbians against pussy.

Marching around with signs.

Not twat!

Not twat!

Not twat!

I've had uncles that were just blistered--

( mumbling in Spanish )

I could understand them better.

( Hispanic accent ) Oh, he wants a beer. Lemme go get it.

( normal ) And Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg skiing.

Nice.

Let me tell you what my grandmother would tell me...

( imitates grandmother ) Fucking go faster. Go fast--

So you can break your fucking head wide open. Go faster!

( German accent ) I was going down the hill-- ( speaks gibberish )

( normal ) Let me tell you this--

( crows )

Ppt.

Let me tell you this, he broke his leg skiing--

that is not gonna happen to Latinos.

We'll never break our leg skiing.

If we go downhill, it's usually because San Diego's right there.

And we'll run with a broken leg. "Wait for me, tía!"

Fucking shit!

We don't go for the extreme sports.

You know what? Taking a walk in our neighborhood

is a fucking extreme sport.

( affected voice ) C'mon, dude, let's go snowboarding.

We'll do a half-pipe.

( Hispanic accent ) No, you batos go. I'ma be in the car.

I'ma do a half-pipe, too, watcha.

( stifled laugh )

( normal ) You could vote English as the official language,

but it'll never work

because we're always gonna speak Spanglish.

It's too late!

That's all we've talked in our house for years.

¿Qué pasó, tía?

( imitates woman ) I went to the store to buy those zapatos

that I like, pero estaban gone.

( normal ) ¿Los shoes amarillos?

( imitates woman ) Sí, estaban todos sold out.

And I even "hided" them, too.

( normal ) You remember hiding shit you couldn't afford to buy that day?

( Hispanic accent ) You take the shoe, I'ma put 'em over here, mira.

I'll make a mark right there so they know.

( normal ) Then you come back Saturday when you got money.

( Hispanic accent ) Whatcha? Hey. ( whistles )

( whistles )

( normal ) We'll always speak English and Spanish.

My grandfather used to yell at me in Spanish

and I would yell at him back in English.

( shouts with accent ) Tira la basura, cabrón!

( affected voice ) I am!

For God's sakes, déjame en paz!

Cripes!

" Higo de la chingada!"

You heard me. Higo-- H-D-L-J.

"Higo de la chingada."

( normal ) And let me tell you this,

success even surprises Latinos.

You know, like, I was in a hotel

and I stay in the Presidential Suite--

( imitates grandmother ) "Mira, muy chingón, the Presidential Suite."

Thank you for being proud.

So they knock on the door-- the lady--

( imitates Hispanic woman ) Housekeeping!

I open the door, "Oh, he's already cleaned the room."

"Gloria, never mind, he's already cleaned that room!

Parece a skinny Erik Estrada."

( normal ) Let me tell you this, be nice to everybody

because when I was 17, I saw Erik Estrada in my neighborhood--

they were filming "CHiPs."

I went to go shake his hand, he wouldn't shake my hand.

So, be nice because 30 years later,

that kid-- you didn't shake his hand--

might have a HBO special and say this...

Erik Estrada... fuck that puto!

Fuck... that...

puto!

30 years, motherfucker, there's your wake-up call.

Fuck you!

I made it without your fucking handshake, puto.

Fuck you.

What's he gonna do to me? I don't wanna buy swampland.

( bad Hispanic accent ) "Tú puedes comprar 'landia'

para cinco centavos todo los días."

Fucking armed and puto, that oughta be his name.

Let me say this,

the country is not what you thought it was.

Everything that you touch, first, Latinos touched.

We're there every day early.

Everything you touch-- let me give you some examples.

Taco Bell had some tainted green onions--

( affected voice ) Oh, God.

I got E. coli from them.

( normal ) Some tainted green onions

showed up at Taco Bell. Okay, white people get E. coli,

the whole world fucking stops.

Who picks the onions?

Latinos.

You talk shit about us, it gets down to the fields.

( Hispanic accent ) I didn't hear you, what did they say about us?

They don't want us here, we're lazy, and we're depleting the system?

Oh, yeah? Mira, ¿quieren onions?

Mira, cabrón.

Hasta en el culo, guey.

Here, take that shit to Taco Bell. Take it!

There's your chalupa right there.

Here, let me pull some hairs. Ay!

From my culo hair. Ay! There. Better.

Think outside the bun. There.

( normal ) We don't fucking eat there, what do I care?

But then somebody gets E. coli--

( affected voice ) I have E. coli.

I couldn't go to Pilates...

'cause I had the squirts. I'm so...

hot and I'm depleted...

'cause I have E. coli.

( normal ) You know, Latinos don't get E. coli.

You know what we get? Chorro, that's what we get.

The shits.

( imitates fart )

Seven weeks and it don't wanna stop. ( imitates fart )

Now it's just water and corn, chinga.

Tengo E. coli. ¿Estás loco? Y que tienes E. coli.

I ate the same shit and nothing happened to me, fucking liar!

( normal ) First it started with bad spinach.

That was us, too.

You're gonna pay us $3 an hour, we're not gonna wash it, too.

And if we wash it, you're not gonna like the water.

And they peel all the skin back to get all the water.

Old school. Remember that? Old school?

Look at the white dudes.

( affected voice ) No, I don't, actually.

That's incredibly unsanitary for you.

I don't know if you're aware that you could build up smegma.

( normal ) Everything you touch,

we touched first.

That's why we're here.

Chevy couldn't be more confused.

Their slogan right now is,

"This is our country."

Uh...

I don't think it's your country anymore.

You wanna know whose country it is?

- Guess. - ( mariachi music playing )

( yells )

( music stops )

Not no "mores"!

And mariachi music is the heart and blood

of the Mexican people. That music right there--

When I was little, it sounded like house cleaning music.

Every time I heard that shit-- "I gotta go vacuum, son of a bitch."

But once you're drunk, that shit--

( crying ) Ay...

( yells ) Ay!

White people don't have that shit. What do they have?

♪ You spin me right 'round ♪

♪ Baby, right 'round ♪

♪ Right 'round, 'round, 'round ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round, baby... ♪

( affected voice ) Oh, my God! My song!

♪ ...like a record, baby... ♪

( normal ) Más puto.

Latinos think anything done correctly

is gay.

And not "gay," but más puto, which is really gay.

That's puto squared.

Más puto.

Like if you're a guy and you're walking a dog

by yourself on a leash...

Más puto.

( affected voice ) Come on, Biscuit, he doesn't understand.

( normal ) And if you're carrying some plastic bags

to pick up your dog's shit... más puto!

Good dog.

What do you think the dog's thinking?

"Motherfucker, I didn't know you wanted it.

I would've shit at the house!

There's some shit under the bed you haven't found.

If you're collecting it, bato, I'll help you out."

You could not look gayer--

I don't know if Starbucks did it by design--

but if you walk with a Starbucks tray,

no one can look cool.

It's little and you gotta hold it up here.

You're walking...

Más puto.

You might as well be walking around

with a dick in your mouth.

And if you got a Bluetooth on while you're doing it...

Wow.

Get another dick and put it in your ass.

Look at the guy with the--

"Turn that shit."

It would be flashing, "I'm a puto. I'm a puto.

I'm a puto."

( speaking gibberish in German accent )

♪ You spin me right 'round, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round... ♪

We're not built that way.

We're different people.

Negativity drives the culture.

Latinos are driven by negativity.

How many times you wanted to go to a party you're like,

"Nah, I don't feel like going." The next morning you found out,

"Hey, you should have went, bato, three people got shot!"

Fuck, I should have gone.

I got a feeling somebody was gonna get killed,

but I didn't believe it!

And now it's all about self-esteem.

If you have kids, you have to sign paperwork--

if they play organized sports--

that says that you'll only yell out encouraging things

to promote self-esteem-- más puto.

( affected voice ) Now you see parents yelling, "It's okay, Cameron,

don't worry, you're still getting a trophy.

You're fantastic.

We are all your support system.

O-M-G."

What did our parents yell when they came to see us?

( yelling with accent ) Fucking shit-- hey!

Open your fucking eyes!

Get it!

Get it!

Look at that stupid son of a bitch.

He don't know how to catch.

Cómo que you don't know how? You should have told me $100 ago!

Fucking shit!

Hold my purse, I'm gonna go get him.

Oh, now you run fast, huh, son of a bitch?

( normal ) Kids-- oh, again?

We're live on HBO!

( crows )

Do I look scared? Chale.

Kids today cannot last like we did.

The kids today wouldn't last one motherfucking day of our childhoods.

- "I'm bored." - ( thuds )

There. Spend the whole day recovering.

Son of a bitch.

Allowance. What the fuck is that!

I could have never gone to my grandmother,

"Grandma...

Ay!

- Can I have my allowance?" - ( imitates woman ) Son of a bitch.

Míralo.

You want your allowance? Mira, cabrón, I allow you to live.

I allow you to live.

Míralo, get the hell outta here before I kill you.

An allowance... they don't-- you know what?

These kids wouldn't last-- I used to kill flies for entertainment.

Chasing it with a rolled-up newspaper.

( buzzing )

I'ma kill you when I get you.

And you'd get them and torture them.

( buzzing )

With the fly guts, "Hey, I got him. Mira."

They wouldn't last one day.

My grandmother wouldn't even give me a whole popsicle.

That's how fucking tight she was.

( imitates grandmother ) Hey! Come over here, cabrón.

( imitates child ) Can never do nothing in this house!

( imitates grandmother ) You want a snow cone?

Mira, you don't buy one. Hey!

Go to the freezer and get a fork and scrape the ice.

And put some 7-Up, it's the same thing!

Why you crying now? It's the same thing!

( normal ) They used to take you to the store,

but never buy you shit. How did that work?

"Then why am I here?" And they would yell at you when you got out of the car.

( imitates parent ) And don't be asking me for shit

because I ain't buying you a goddamn thing.

You listen, take that face-- I'll slap that face right off.

¿Qué pasó? I'm bleeding and he wants a toy.

I came to buy Kotex and he wants a toy.

Selfish.

I'm bleeding, y quiere un rocket. Beautiful.

Ungrateful.

( normal ) They wouldn't last one day.

First of all, my daughter's 10,

she gets bedtime stories every night.

( affected voice ) And then we're gonna read "Harry Potter."

It's getting so good. We're gonna see what happens to "Herniney."

( normal ) My grandmother, no bedtime stories.

Just...

( imitates grandmother ) I'm not gonna tell you again.

Go to sleep.

I will put you to sleep. Go...

...to sleep. You think I'm playing?

Síguele, cabrón. Síguele. I'll--

Want me to go get the good night juice?

Go--

You know the Benadryl? Toma, cabrón.

Drink it. I'm tired of your shit.

I'll drink one with you.

11 is your record. Eight, nine--

drink it, pussy.

( normal ) I don't wanna sleep!

You know what bedtime story we got? The same one every time.

( imitates grandmother ) Okay, you want a bedtime story, cabrón?

Mira, I'ma tell you.

Once upon a land-- whatever they say--

faraway tale.

Mira, cabrón. Once upon a time...

a long time ago...

weeks...

there was a lady who drowned her kids.

"La Llorona." "La Llorona."

You want me to get her?

I'll go get her. Then go to sleep!

She's carpooling with the Cucuy.

I'll go get her.

And the Chupacabra. I'll go get all three of them.

Three for one.

Want me to show you a picture of Britney Spears getting out of the car?

Go--

I didn't think you could make panocha look bad,

but I was wrong.

Oh.

That looked like roast beef thrown on the wall.

( gags )

I should sue her because since I saw the picture,

I can't go to Quiznos.

( gags )

It's toasted! ( gagging )

( imitates fart )

That's gacho, man.

Fucking Latinos shave their heads every day,

doesn't make the news.

One crazy-ass white bitch does it, it's all over the place.

You know what? Maybe she had lice.

'Cause I know in our house you couldn't scratch your head.

The next thing you were in the front yard-- ( buzzing )

( imitates woman ) And you're sleeping on my blanket, the good one!

( thuds ) ( buzzing )

( normal ) I feel blood!

White people get in some crazy shit.

Anna Nicole Smith has two dudes

going to court claiming to be the father.

That shit is crazy to Latinos.

( affected voice ) I'm the father! No, I'm the father!

( normal ) That shit will never happen to us.

( Hispanic accent ) Hey, ¿sabes qué? Hey, that's my kid.

Fuck, what am I saying?

Different shit.

And we're raised with fear, so we can--

we can be around any environment and not freak out.

You know what I mean? When we're kids,

you know we get on rides when we're three

that you have to be 12 to get on.

They send you into a bar to get your dad.

( imitates child ) Cuco, they want us to go home--

( imitates father ) Shuts! Shut your mouth, stupid!

( imitates child ) I can never do nothing!

( normal ) I couldn't swim and my grandfather didn't give a shit.

( imitates grandfather ) How come you're not swimming?

( imitates child ) I don't know how.

( imitates grandfather ) I didn't hear you, what?

Come over here. You don't know how? Mira, cabrón, learn!

Leave him. Leave him!

So that way, you learn. Drink the whole pool,

but you're gonna learn, cabrón.

And the kids today, you try to explain to them

what it was like when we were kids.

You might as well be talking about the motherfucking Incas,

they don't give a shit.

You don't understand, we were poor.

( affected voice ) Why?

Why were you guys poor? Didn't you guys work?

Cripe.

( normal ) The kids today wouldn't last one day.

You know what? They can't even put a DVD back in the fucking case.

Learn that shit first!

I walk through the room...

Fucking "Shaggy Dog."

I almost got killed by that "Shaggy Dog" DVD.

And we don't have the shit that they have.

Go-Gurt... ( chuckles )

( imitates child ) Mom, can I have a Go-Gurt?

( normal ) Lunchables. What the fuck-- Lunchable?

A juicebox. A juice... box!

We fucking drank from the manguera.

The water hose.

And on a hot day, the first hour and a half was hot water.

( spits )

I got scalded!

Drinking water from the hose and it would taste like the hose.

You didn't give a shit.

Turn it off!

I have a pool in my house that I live in,

but, you know what, I don't need it, I never go in it.

I needed a pool when I was seven, not 45.

What am I going to do now? Float in it like a tonto?

( laughs )

( affected voice ) This is so much fun. Great.

( normal ) When I was little, we didn't have pools,

what we would do-- shoot water in the air

and run under it.

Whoosh.

Whoosh.

( Hispanic accent ) Look at that stupid-ass kid. Hey, Jerry's kid!

Get your ass in here!

Son of a bitch, like a tonto. Like you're paying the bill.

Get in here, "Water World." Stupid-ass.

( normal ) You know where I would swim?

In the backyard-- in all of our backyards--

the cement was always uneven

and the water would collect and that's where you would lay.

( gurgles, coughing )

We didn't have water wings and arm pillows

and an air vest hat.

We didn't have any of that shit and we still survived.

You know what our Lunchable was?

You know what our Lunchable was? Two weenies on a fork.

Over the stove. ( sizzling )

With two corn tortillas and some Tapatío sauce.

That was our Lunchable.

Then you would take the fork and run it to the sink...

put it in... ( imitates steam hissing )

You "'member." "'Member"?

You don't "'member"?

You "'member."

That was ours and that was the black fork.

You couldn't use any other fork.

( Hispanic accent ) Hey, cabrón...

Mira, I'm not gonna tell you again.

Don't be blacking the forks.

Simple. What don't you get?

Don't black the forks!

Ya tenemos un black fork. I don't need two.

Do me a favor, respect my house

and don't black my forks.

Fucking shit!

( normal ) That was my grandmother's favorite word.

"Fucking shit."

She would be calm, the key wouldn't fit in the lock--

Fucking shit!

Grandma...

Grandma...

take it easy.

And now me and my grandmother fight because she has dementia

and I take her to the doctor-- you know they have AMBER Alerts?

She thinks it's the same girl.

Like we're on the freeway, she's like,

( imitates grandmother ) Mira, Amber got in another car.

Está más puta que la chingada.

What do her parents do?

They let her get into a different car every week.

( normal ) That's not the same girl.

( imitates grandmother ) Don't tell me-- the same girl, Amber!

( normal ) It's a different-- they just name it after--

( imitates grandmother ) Mira, cabrón. You don't know a fucking thing.

You don't have my eyes, cabrón, you don't see what I see.

¿Qué no dice Amber? AMBER Alert!

That girl's Amber. Es puta! Sayin'!

Fucking shit!

( normal ) And my grandmother-- like a lot of Latinos

are, you know, racist towards, you know,

different cultures-- black people, you know?

Look at some people clap other people...

( affected voice ) I'm not gonna laugh yet.

I'll withhold judgment till I hear.

( normal ) My gran-- see, my grandmother-- I had a girlfriend that was 13,

she was black, she was beautiful, I loved her.

She had, you know, little, like-- thank you--

she had-- her tetas were like stargazers, they went up to the sky like,

like horns. ( imitates horn )

I didn't know what to do with 'em, I just wanted 'em.

( slurps )

So I'm walking home with her, my grandmother sees me,

and all she has to do is honk. ( imitates car horn honking )

( imitates grandmother ) Mira, fucking "Boogie Nights," get your ass home.

Son of a bitch. Míralo, Peaches & Herb.

Hey, Herb! Get your ass--

Pinche Denzel. Get your ass home!

( normal ) You know the fucked-up part? I was darker than her.

So now my grandmother has dementia.

They don't know where they are, right? Dementia, you know?

And she's on oxygen, but it's not connected to anything.

She just wears the hose.

But I won't put her in a nursing home because that's not what we do.

That's not what our culture does.

Our culture-- that's right!

Our culture does not allow for us to put our relatives

in nursing homes or convalescent homes.

That's not what we do.

We keep them in the house with us.

They're in the back of the house, but they're in the house.

They're in the Cucuy room in the back.

The one that's always 40 degrees colder than any other room.

And I told my grandmother in 1988, when my grandfather died,

I said, "I will pay all your bills, you will never have to worry about another bill

because I'm the man of the house now.

I'm the man. I'll pay the bills."

That was in 1988.

I did not think the bitch was gonna live this long.

She won't die. ( imitates grandmother ) Why should I die? I got it nice.

I'm gonna make you pay, cabrón. Orale.

TV star. Chíngale, cabrón.

( normal ) And she knows I'm on TV,

but she thinks I'm Raymond from "Everybody Loves Raymond."

( imitates grandmother ) Raymond, get over here, cabrón.

Where's "Boogie Nights"?

( normal ) And now that she's old, she needs round-the-clock nurses.

So since she had problems with black people when she was younger...

I decided to teach her a lesson before she leaves Earth.

So all her nurses are black.

There's 12 and every one is blacker than the other.

The last two are almost purple, that's how black they are.

So that way, you learn! So that way, you learn.

And she'll call me up 'cause she don't know their names,

and she'll call me up, I'm like, "What's the matter now?"

( imitates grandmother ) Diana Ross wants to give me a bath.

( normal ) Who? ( imitates grandmother ) Diana Ross!

La negra que está en mi casa me quiere limpiar el culo... my panocha.

I don't need the "Dreamgirls" to clean my ass!

( normal ) What?

Five minutes later, "What now?"

( imitates grandmother ) Chaka Khan stole my sweater.

I know you don't believe me, son of a bitch.

Fucking shit.

Chaka Khan stole my sweater.

- Who? - Chaka Khan!

Son of a bitch!

Talk to them, Denzel, they're your people!

( normal ) And let me tell you this. People don't want us here.

That is the most insane thing.

To not want Latinos in the United States.

We do all the jobs that no one in America wants to do.

That's what we do.

Who do you think is rebuilding New Orleans?

Guess. ( mariachi music playing )

( crows )

( music stops )

You know who? F.E.M.A., that's who!

"Find Every Mexican Available."

That's right. Us!

Us. Like it or not.

At 5:30 in the morning, we're working.

We're not at Starbucks playing fucking sudoku.

You hear what I'm saying? Everybody loves to play sudoku.

( affected voice ) Oh, my God. This is so good. A latte, please.

I am transfixed on sudoku.

I am sudoku crazy.

Don't talk to me, I'm doing sudoku.

( normal ) I guess that's like novelas to Latino people.

But everything is different now. I'm 45 years old,

I'll be 46 in April, and I am old school, a la madre.

Old school.

The older I get, the more-- I yearn--

"watchalo," I'ma use big words. Hey, yearn.

Like Latinos, we can't go anywhere

and not drink. I'm sorry.

We must drink.

We must.

And not social either. We don't social drink.

( affected voice ) Would you like another chardonnay?

Oh, God, I better not.

( normal ) You wanna see us at our limit?

( gagging )

Get it out, Grandma. Get it out.

You only turn 87 once.

Get it out. Watch out!

( whistles )

That's my grandma!

Take a picture! ( whistles )

That's my grandma. She's not gonna remember.

( normal ) Whenever Latinos talk, we always got some

sound effect with it. "Hey, last night I went to this place.

Están las viejas ahí. ( whistles )

( normal ) You know we're in trouble when we use big words.

"I was dancing right there, out there like...

( hums tune )

And I was like... ( whistles tune )

And unbeknownst to me...

( stammers ) Hey, unbeknownst.

My lady was watching me like...

( whistles tune )

I told her, "¿Sabes qué? That wasn't me.

I tried to talk to her, bato, she was inconsolable."

We drink and always end up with a hangover,

but yet still go to church.

That's how good Catholics we are.

You ever go to church with the stamp from the nightclub on your hand?

Use holy water to try to get it off?

¿Quieres agua? Toma.

I got some Tylenol.

Even when you go get communion, you can't walk in a straight line.

And that priest will smell your breath, he'll be...

You know the perfect religion for Latinos?

Muslim...

'cause you can go worship hungover.

You take the little carpeta. You just...

( snores )

Allah!

A la verga.

I'm all right. I'm all right.

I'm all right. Grandma!

( whistles ) She's still there.

And in the old days

I love that women had pelo down there.

( whooshes )

Bush y pelo.

♪ Pelo, pelo ♪

♪ Pa-pelo ♪

♪ Pelo ♪

( vocalizing )

♪ Pelo ♪

♪ Pa, pa, pelo. ♪

( whooshes )

That shit looked like you were smuggling a Commodore.

( whooshes )

And the more hair they had, the sexier it was.

It'd come out the back. ( whooshes )

Like mud flaps. ( whooshes )

And when it was hot, the hair would stick to the legs.

Like flames. ( whooshes )

( exclamation )

I can't wait!

And she had hair and you had hair

and together that hair would-- ( screeches )

And that hair was coarse!

That shit was tight! It would hurt!

( screeches )

And the whole room would smell like carne asada.

( screeching )

( affected voice ) I want "fagitas."

Save me a plate.

( normal ) It doesn't look like it look now.

Now it look like a dead bird.

There's nothing down there. ( buzzes )

Back in the day, the only time they shaved you

when you had your appendix out.

That's it.

And you had to work to find it 'cause it was so... ( whooshes )

You had to get your hand in there.

That's why they called it "snatch"

'cause it might grab-- oh, shit.

Fuck.

Fu-- all right, I'm sorry. Let--

Shit, my arm. My arm!

You'd be working and trying to find it... nothing, huh? Nothing?

Ay! Oh, shit, what'd I do?

Wha-- I wasn't paying attention. Which finger? Huh?

Better? Better or worse?

Better?

Let me-- ¿sí or no?

¿Sí... o no?

Yes? No? Maybe?

Ay! That one right there?

Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!

And you'd get in it, man. You just be... ( whooshes )

And you be down in there. ( growls, barks )

( growls, barks )

( barks )

And the hair was little, but when you stretch, it about that long.

Cochina, cabrón.

And Latinos could eat pussy, let me tell you that.

We were down-- ( growls, barks )

We grew up poor, sometimes that was the only time we ate all day.

With a corn tortilla in one hand. Juice-- ( barks )

That's how we did it.

And they even had hair around the nipple.

That shit-- aye.

Like curb feelers, just long-- ah, shit. Touch me.

It was different back then.

Back then Latinas weren't trying to be white like they are now.

You know you dye your hair, don't make me turn all the lights on,

I'll fucking find your ass.

Bink.

Leave your hair-- cabrona, leave your hair...

the natural color.

Leave it!

No one will ever convince you for being blond. Please.

You got blond hair and black fucking arm hair.

That shit--

As soon as you talk, you'll give yourself away.

( imitates Hispanic woman ) What you looking at, bitch?

( affected voice ) Wait a minute.

You're not one of us, God damn it.

What's your name? Socorro? Oh, no, come here.

You're going to the main office.

Desiree, can you take "Saccoro" outta here, please?

( normal ) And save your eyebrows. Quit plucking them.

That shit does not look good!

Half the girls are clapping, the other half---

( imitates woman ) Fuck him, man. Fuck him.

You don't know me. I'm gonna put a Bluetooth on. I don't give a fuck-- him!

( normal voice ) You're gonna look like your aunt that's all bitter

with the two lines. ( whooshes )

It looks like she's going downhill on a bike fast.

That shit does not look good. I got an aunt that just uses Sharpie now.

( imitates aunt ) It works better.

You put that Sharpie and you don't turn your arm,

you just turn your head así. "Zas," perfect.

You put the Sharpie, let the ink soak

and turn slowly, "zas."

If you want an "arsh" you just dip and "zas."

Perfect every time.

I was hungover one day and I didn't want people to know,

so I put the lines high.

So I looked awake, pero estaba más babosa que la chingada.

But I look awake because of right there-- like that.

I look surprised, people would be scared. ( screams ) What?

And I went to a funeral and I didn't know the man,

and I put them low. Así, so...

It look like I was in mourning. "Aww, so sad.

What a loss."

( normal ) I have an aunt-- I can't say her name

'cause I'll get sued--

You know who it is, cabrón.

She tries to be young. That train passed.

She's 62 years old with a belly ring.

That shit looks like a place to put air.

Like you just sneak up with the air holes.

( imitates air hissing )

And she wears a halter top in the summer.

Those chichis look like two towels hanging on a rack.

And she has four kids. Let me tell you this,

I couldn't believe somebody fucked her once.

That's gacho, huh? Yeah, well, she's not on HBO. Fuck her.

FTB. Fuck that bitch.

Should have been nicer to me.

You can't be young, the time has passed.

Just enjoy your time and just live in the time.

Don't try to be young. Be yourself!

She wears a thong! It's not even in the crack, it's on the side!

- Put it in the middle! - ( imitates aunt ) No, I don't want to get it dirty.

When I put it in the middle, me siento que me está rompiendo la panocha.

Latinos are different people. We're not gonna drive hybrids.

Let me tell you that right now. That's not--

that's not our style. We don't give a fuck about global warming,

the environment, we don't give a shit!

We don't care if gas costs $8.00 a gallon,

we're gonna put $11.00 whatever price it is!

And we can't drive a car that don't make noise.

( affected voice ) I get 65 miles to a gallon.

( normal ) Yeah, but you look like a puto doing it.

( affected voice ) That's not fair.

( normal ) If we want to conserve gas, we drive slower.

We need cars-- you ever have a car that didn't turn off

after you turned it off?

Look at the white dudes.

( affected voice ) No, I never-- I always had a...

certified used vehicle.

( normal ) Look at all the Latinos.

( Hispanic accent ) You turn it off, that car would be alive.

( clunking )

( normal ) You'd be walking away, it'd still be jumping.

( clunks ) It'll turn off. It'll turn off.

When a car don't start in a Latino neighborhood,

that's when the fun starts. Everybody's an expert.

( Hispanic accent ) Take that thing off. Mira, bato,

take the air off and put gas in the hole.

Put gas in the hole!

In the hole-- mira, cabrón,

put it in the hole!

( affected voice ) Have you consulted the owner's manual?

( imitates grandmother ) Fucking shit!

Mira, cabrón, I'm the owner...

and that's Manuel.

Manuel! Put it in the hole!

( normal ) I live in a neighborhood that's very white

and I live in the middle of the street

with a half-built fence so that they know a Mexican lives there.

And I don't even use the gate, I jump the fence when I get home.

'Cause that's where the country's going.

39 million Latino people

in the United States. Million!

And now there's a voice!

39 million.

I don't know how they counted us

because when you knock on our door, we hide.

I don't know how that shit--

Don't knock on our door, we're not gonna answer.

( imitates dog barking )

But you honk, we all run out.

( honks )

( Hispanic accent ) I thought that was my ride, ey.

( normal ) We do the best work.

Cheaper, better, faster.

You understand? Cheaper, better, faster.

Permits? Estás loco, fucking permit.

You permit me, so I'm doing it.

I had to get a circuit breaker put in my house,

so I hired a guy with a legitimate, you know,

estimate-- he had a contract, the lights, and a Bluetooth.

( affected voice ) Hi, can I call you back?

I'm talking to, you know, "Phil-eye-pee" or whatever his name is.

Yes, hi, do you want a circuit breaker installed?

Yes, we'll have to wait for the inspector to come, we'll put the box.

Make sure the wire is the proper gauge

and the insulation is flame-retardant.

Hey, don't be giving me retarded ones, give me the real one.

So I passed on that dude and I hired a Mexican dude

that showed up with his wife and kids

all in the front seat.

Nobody in the backseat.

And when he pulled up,

you know what music was playing?

- Guess. - ( mariachi music playing )

( hoots )

( music stops )

So he walks up... first thing he says,

- ( heavy accent ) "Ju speak Engli?" - ( normal ) I'm sorry?

- ( heavy accent ) You speak English? - ( normal ) Yes.

( heavy accent ) Okay, me, too. Fudge your mother, stupid.

( normal ) I think somebody taught him that and...

told him it was cool to say.

( heavy accent ) You wanna put a circuit breaker?

- ( normal ) Yes. - ( heavy accent ) Okay, fudge your mother.

Fuck your dick.

( normal ) Fuck my dick? Anyways, okay...

I want to put a circuit breaker.

( heavy accent ) No, you can do it. You can do. You can do.

You can do.

"Ju" wanna put it in "frong"?

In "frong"!

F-R-O-N-T. "Frong."

( normal ) Oh, in the front. Yes.

- How much is it? - ( heavy accent ) No, "noshing, noshing."

Give me a case and a half. ( whistles )

( whooshes ) I'll be done like that. ( whooshes )

( normal ) How much is it going to cost?

( heavy accent ) Nothing. Mira!

It's not gonna cost you nothing because, ¿sabes qué?

I'ma connect it to your neighbor's house.

Si me gusta, sí. Si no, fudge your mother.

You wanna talk about illegal aliens,

I think we should look at the Asian people.

I went to see Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas,

motherfucking chinos can get in a little-ass box.

I think we start there first.

You gonna go to McDonald's, order a happy meal,

and 11 chinos are gonna pop out.

He got on my toy and he rode away!

They say a lot of the immigrants early on

were Asian, but, you know, I don't believe it.

I think they were just Latinos with the sun in their eyes.

Toma el foto, guey. Toma el foto.

We don't need blueprints or schematics

or design, we do shit by heart.

We do shit by ear.

We don't have measurements. We're not gonna show up with a scope.

( affected voice ) Let's see here.

Brian, can you move over a skosh? Fantastic.

What do we do? We walk in the yard in our boxers.

( Hispanic accent ) Where do you want it?

( normal ) We close one eye.

( accented ) More. More.

More. I can see you now. Mark it.

( normal ) Let me tell you this.

America is the greatest country in the world.

That's why everybody wants to come here--

for the American Dream. That's what everybody wanted

in the beginning, that's what everybody wants now.

I am a living example of the American Dream.

I came from no place!

No mother!

No father!

Nobody in my family who believed in me.

And this year, my show will go into syndication.

Syn... dication!

Which means George Lopez ain't going "nowheres," ey.

And my family always told me that I would end up on the street.

"You're worthless, George. You're gonna end up on the street."

You know what? They were right.

I did end up on the street. On the Hollywood Walk of Fame!

Thank you, America!

Y viva la raza!

( music playing )

♪ All my friends ♪

♪ Know the lowrider ♪

♪ The lowrider ♪

♪ Is a little higher ♪

( music continues )

♪ The lowrider ♪

♪ Drives a little slower ♪

♪ lowrider ♪

♪ Is a real goer ♪

( music continues )

♪ Hey ♪

( music continues )

Thank you very much. Good night and I love you!

Viva Phoenix!

Viva Oscar De La Hoya!

Viva Carlos Santana!

Viva Cesar Chavez!

( music continues )

♪ Lowrider don't use no gas now ♪

♪ The lowrider don't drive too fast ♪

( music continues )

♪ Take a little trip, take a little trip ♪

♪ Take a little trip and see ♪

♪ Take a little trip, take a little trip ♪

♪ Take a little trip with me ♪

( music continues )

♪ Lowrider drives a little slower ♪

♪ Lowrider is a real goer ♪

( music continues )

( song ends )