Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:09,099
( music playing )
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:20,210 --> 00:00:23,010
♪ All my friends ♪
5
00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:25,079
♪ Know the lowrider ♪
6
00:00:27,089 --> 00:00:29,260
♪ The lowrider ♪
7
00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:31,269
♪ Is a little higher ♪
8
00:00:31,269 --> 00:00:34,030
( music continues )
9
00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,219
- ( hoots )
- ( music ends )
10
00:00:52,289 --> 00:00:55,210
Orale, Phoenix!
11
00:00:58,109 --> 00:01:01,179
Orale, HBO!
12
00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:05,230
Orale, raza!
13
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,049
Let me say this
about immigration
14
00:01:11,049 --> 00:01:14,000
so you finally hear it
from a Latino.
15
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,170
We ain't going
"nowheres," ey!
16
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:20,060
No... "wheres"!
17
00:01:22,039 --> 00:01:24,120
The stupidest thing to do
is to assume
18
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,210
that we're all from Mexico.
19
00:01:28,140 --> 00:01:31,000
( affected voice )
"Well, what part of Mexico
are your ancestors from?"
20
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,060
( normal )
Los Angeles, bitch.
21
00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:38,039
I got a breathtaking view
of the King Taco.
22
00:01:38,039 --> 00:01:40,189
It's lovely.
23
00:01:40,189 --> 00:01:42,159
I watch people
get shanked every weekend.
24
00:01:42,159 --> 00:01:44,150
Ftt, ftt, ftt.
25
00:01:44,150 --> 00:01:46,069
My feet are cold.
Ay...
26
00:01:50,159 --> 00:01:52,099
If immigrations law pass,
27
00:01:52,099 --> 00:01:55,219
they say that 1.2
million Mexicans
28
00:01:55,219 --> 00:01:57,180
would have to go back
to Mexico. 1.2!
29
00:01:57,180 --> 00:02:01,000
¿Sabes qué?
That's seven quinceañeras.
30
00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:05,129
That ain't shit!
31
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:09,060
That ain't shit!
32
00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:13,150
1.2?
That's seven quinceañeras
and two weddings.
33
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,150
That'll never make a dent.
Batos, ¿sabes qué?
34
00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:23,219
( Hispanic accent )
Tía, they got me.
I gotta go back to Mexico.
35
00:02:24,259 --> 00:02:26,240
I got a smog check
and the guy saw me
36
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,229
and they put a finger...
37
00:02:30,139 --> 00:02:32,240
I'll be right back, though.
Watch my plate.
38
00:02:39,069 --> 00:02:43,120
Tía, go like that
so flies don't get on it.
39
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,189
( normal )
Let me ask you this,
40
00:02:49,189 --> 00:02:52,259
who do you think
is running this country?
41
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,180
- Guess.
- ( mariachi music playing )
42
00:03:02,009 --> 00:03:04,199
( screams )
43
00:03:08,009 --> 00:03:10,099
Yeah!
44
00:03:11,189 --> 00:03:13,219
- ( music stops )
- That's who!
45
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,009
Look at
all the white people.
46
00:03:16,009 --> 00:03:17,240
( affected voice )
I am so scared right now.
47
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,069
I am...
48
00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:24,259
I am so scared.
I wanted to try to find
a guy to do tile,
49
00:03:24,259 --> 00:03:27,129
but now I'm afraid
to ask.
50
00:03:27,129 --> 00:03:29,099
I am so scared.
51
00:03:29,099 --> 00:03:31,199
The guy next to me
looks like he does drywall,
52
00:03:31,199 --> 00:03:33,170
but I'm...
53
00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:37,139
I am assuming right now
they are all gang-related.
Let's go.
54
00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:42,030
( normal )
You know what?
55
00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,250
White people don't even want
to talk to each other anymore.
56
00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:46,039
They send text messages.
57
00:03:46,039 --> 00:03:47,270
( affected voice )
Oh, my God.
58
00:03:49,079 --> 00:03:51,039
O-M-G.
59
00:03:51,289 --> 00:03:54,099
Oh, my God.
O-M-G.
60
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,289
I came to the show
to maybe L-O-L.
61
00:04:03,069 --> 00:04:06,210
Maybe L-M-A-O.
62
00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:09,000
Laugh my ass off.
63
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:15,069
And to kind of bond
and maybe we would be B-F-F.
64
00:04:16,129 --> 00:04:19,120
Best friends forever.
65
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,180
( normal )
I wanna add one to the list.
66
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,110
F-T-P.
You know what that means?
67
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:27,129
"Fuck that puto."
68
00:04:28,170 --> 00:04:30,220
Fuck... that...
69
00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:32,110
puto!
70
00:04:34,079 --> 00:04:36,090
You wanna see how it works?
71
00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:39,149
President Bush...
fuck that puto!
72
00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:42,290
Fuck... that...
73
00:04:42,290 --> 00:04:44,230
puto!
74
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:50,069
( affected voice )
Now I'm leaving.
Come on, Cameron, let's go.
75
00:04:51,220 --> 00:04:56,050
( normal )
President Bush has
got Latinos in his family!
76
00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:58,209
What the fuck?
They gotta go back
to where they came from, too?
77
00:05:00,019 --> 00:05:01,189
They don't know what
to do about illegal immigration.
78
00:05:01,189 --> 00:05:04,220
President Bush is like, "Uh,
we're gonna try the wall...
and the wall--"
79
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,110
Now they want to dig a ditch
80
00:05:06,110 --> 00:05:09,209
and put alligators
in the ditch.
81
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:12,259
I'm like,
"You know what, motherfucker?
Put alligators,
82
00:05:12,259 --> 00:05:15,120
in an hour
they'll be shoes and belts."
83
00:05:17,209 --> 00:05:19,100
Go for it.
84
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,000
They'll be souvenirs
in an hour and a half.
85
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,149
( Hispanic accent )
¿Señora, quiere comprarme
un cinto?
86
00:05:25,149 --> 00:05:27,129
Cocodrilo,
cocodrilo. Touch.
87
00:05:27,129 --> 00:05:28,290
Tócale, my friend.
What you want, my friend?
88
00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:31,139
Tócale, belts.
Cocodrilo, cocodrilo.
89
00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:33,269
You like?
For your sister, my friend?
Touch it, touch it. Touch it.
90
00:05:33,269 --> 00:05:36,029
Tócale, tócale,
tócale, tócale.
91
00:05:36,029 --> 00:05:37,259
Tócale.
92
00:05:37,259 --> 00:05:40,060
How much?
Eh, gimme $40.
93
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:43,040
No? Okay, gimme five.
94
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:50,090
( normal )
Fucking Latinos are some badass
business people, aren't they?
95
00:05:50,090 --> 00:05:52,090
They'll sell you
a blanket that's still warm.
96
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,220
They don't give a shit.
97
00:05:59,029 --> 00:06:02,290
Governor Schwarzenegger...
fuck that puto!
98
00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:07,170
Fuck... that... puto!
99
00:06:07,170 --> 00:06:09,019
( affected voice )
F-T-P. I got it now.
100
00:06:09,019 --> 00:06:10,069
I got it!
101
00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:13,069
F-T-P, fuck that "pluto."
It's fantastic.
102
00:06:16,019 --> 00:06:19,250
( normal )
Governor Schwarzenegger
is for "English only."
103
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:23,089
Okay, that's-- that's good,
but, you know, the problem
there is, motherfucker,
104
00:06:23,089 --> 00:06:25,029
you don't speak English.
105
00:06:27,199 --> 00:06:30,060
( speaking gibberish
in German accent )
106
00:06:37,069 --> 00:06:38,240
( normal )
I've had uncles who are drunk
107
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,189
that I can understand better
than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
108
00:06:41,189 --> 00:06:42,230
( German accent )
I'll be back--
109
00:06:42,230 --> 00:06:44,100
If you want to leave,
get to the chopper!
110
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,090
If you want to leave--
( speaks gibberish )
111
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:52,220
( normal )
Arnold Schwarzenegger
being in favor of "English only"
112
00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:55,269
would be like
lesbians against pussy.
113
00:07:03,069 --> 00:07:05,000
Marching around with signs.
114
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,129
Not twat!
115
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:09,050
Not twat!
116
00:07:09,050 --> 00:07:11,139
Not twat!
117
00:07:16,089 --> 00:07:18,149
I've had uncles
that were just blistered--
118
00:07:18,149 --> 00:07:20,180
( mumbling in Spanish )
119
00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:25,029
I could understand
them better.
120
00:07:25,029 --> 00:07:27,079
( Hispanic accent )
Oh, he wants a beer.
Lemme go get it.
121
00:07:31,259 --> 00:07:34,170
( normal )
And Arnold Schwarzenegger
broke his leg skiing.
122
00:07:34,170 --> 00:07:36,090
Nice.
123
00:07:36,090 --> 00:07:37,220
Let me tell you what
my grandmother would tell me...
124
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:40,209
( imitates grandmother )
Fucking go faster.
Go fast--
125
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,250
So you can break your
fucking head wide open.
Go faster!
126
00:07:45,159 --> 00:07:48,159
( German accent )
I was going down the hill--
( speaks gibberish )
127
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,220
( normal )
Let me tell you this--
128
00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:03,209
( crows )
129
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:09,060
Ppt.
130
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:11,000
Let me tell you this,
he broke his leg skiing--
131
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,149
that is not gonna happen
to Latinos.
132
00:08:12,149 --> 00:08:15,129
We'll never
break our leg skiing.
133
00:08:15,129 --> 00:08:19,060
If we go downhill,
it's usually because
San Diego's right there.
134
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,120
And we'll run with a broken leg.
"Wait for me, tía!"
135
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:26,269
Fucking shit!
136
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,129
We don't go for
the extreme sports.
137
00:08:32,129 --> 00:08:33,269
You know what? Taking a walk
in our neighborhood
138
00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:36,190
is a fucking extreme sport.
139
00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:38,240
( affected voice )
C'mon, dude, let's go
snowboarding.
140
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,039
We'll do a half-pipe.
141
00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,009
( Hispanic accent )
No, you batos go.
I'ma be in the car.
142
00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:45,019
I'ma do a half-pipe,
too, watcha.
143
00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:48,139
( stifled laugh )
144
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,149
( normal )
You could vote English
as the official language,
145
00:08:56,149 --> 00:08:58,059
but it'll never work
146
00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,210
because we're always
gonna speak Spanglish.
147
00:09:02,049 --> 00:09:04,169
It's too late!
148
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,210
That's all we've talked
in our house for years.
149
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:09,080
¿Qué pasó, tía?
150
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,259
( imitates woman )
I went to the store
to buy those zapatos
151
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,279
that I like,
pero estaban gone.
152
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,120
( normal )
¿Los shoes amarillos?
153
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,100
( imitates woman )
Sí, estaban todos sold out.
154
00:09:24,029 --> 00:09:26,120
And I even "hided" them, too.
155
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,059
( normal )
You remember hiding shit you
couldn't afford to buy that day?
156
00:09:33,059 --> 00:09:35,200
( Hispanic accent )
You take the shoe,
I'ma put 'em over here, mira.
157
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,190
I'll make a mark right there
so they know.
158
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,289
( normal )
Then you come back Saturday
when you got money.
159
00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:46,009
( Hispanic accent )
Whatcha? Hey. ( whistles )
160
00:09:48,110 --> 00:09:50,049
( whistles )
161
00:09:54,179 --> 00:09:56,070
( normal )
We'll always speak
English and Spanish.
162
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:58,200
My grandfather used to yell
at me in Spanish
163
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,029
and I would yell
at him back in English.
164
00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:02,240
( shouts with accent )
Tira la basura, cabrón!
165
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,250
( affected voice )
I am!
166
00:10:06,110 --> 00:10:10,049
For God's sakes,
déjame en paz!
167
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,100
Cripes!
168
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,279
" Higo de la chingada!"
169
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:23,100
You heard me.
Higo-- H-D-L-J.
170
00:10:24,070 --> 00:10:27,000
"Higo de la chingada."
171
00:10:29,159 --> 00:10:30,210
( normal )
And let me tell you this,
172
00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:32,259
success even
surprises Latinos.
173
00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:34,159
You know, like, I was in a hotel
174
00:10:34,159 --> 00:10:36,149
and I stay
in the Presidential Suite--
175
00:10:36,149 --> 00:10:39,009
( imitates grandmother )
"Mira, muy chingón,
the Presidential Suite."
176
00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:45,120
Thank you for being proud.
177
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,169
So they knock
on the door-- the lady--
178
00:10:47,169 --> 00:10:48,289
( imitates Hispanic woman )
Housekeeping!
179
00:10:48,289 --> 00:10:52,029
I open the door,
"Oh, he's already
cleaned the room."
180
00:11:00,250 --> 00:11:03,289
"Gloria, never mind,
he's already cleaned that room!
181
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,259
Parece a skinny Erik Estrada."
182
00:11:11,259 --> 00:11:14,009
( normal )
Let me tell you this,
be nice to everybody
183
00:11:14,009 --> 00:11:16,190
because when I was 17,
I saw Erik Estrada in
my neighborhood--
184
00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:18,000
they were filming "CHiPs."
185
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,210
I went to go shake his hand,
he wouldn't shake my hand.
186
00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:22,250
So, be nice because
30 years later,
187
00:11:22,250 --> 00:11:24,009
that kid--
you didn't shake his hand--
188
00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:26,080
might have a HBO special
and say this...
189
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,179
Erik Estrada...
fuck that puto!
190
00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:32,159
Fuck... that...
191
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,120
puto!
192
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,000
30 years, motherfucker,
there's your wake-up call.
193
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,240
Fuck you!
194
00:11:41,090 --> 00:11:43,159
I made it without
your fucking handshake, puto.
195
00:11:43,159 --> 00:11:45,200
Fuck you.
196
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:53,019
What's he gonna do to me?
I don't wanna buy swampland.
197
00:11:56,070 --> 00:11:58,029
( bad Hispanic accent )
"Tú puedes comprar 'landia'
198
00:11:58,029 --> 00:12:01,120
para cinco centavos
todo los días."
199
00:12:03,059 --> 00:12:06,039
Fucking armed and puto,
that oughta be his name.
200
00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:11,159
Let me say this,
201
00:12:11,159 --> 00:12:13,220
the country is not
what you thought it was.
202
00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:16,220
Everything that you
touch, first, Latinos touched.
203
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:19,169
We're there every day early.
204
00:12:19,169 --> 00:12:21,159
Everything you touch--
let me give you some examples.
205
00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:24,259
Taco Bell had some
tainted green onions--
206
00:12:24,259 --> 00:12:26,230
( affected voice )
Oh, God.
207
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:29,070
I got E. coli from them.
208
00:12:30,179 --> 00:12:32,110
( normal )
Some tainted green onions
209
00:12:32,110 --> 00:12:35,019
showed up at Taco Bell.
Okay, white people get E. coli,
210
00:12:35,019 --> 00:12:37,110
the whole world fucking stops.
211
00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:39,100
Who picks the onions?
212
00:12:41,129 --> 00:12:43,070
Latinos.
213
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:46,070
You talk shit about us,
it gets down to the fields.
214
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:53,220
( Hispanic accent )
I didn't hear you, what did
they say about us?
215
00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:56,259
They don't want us here,
we're lazy, and we're
depleting the system?
216
00:12:56,259 --> 00:12:58,220
Oh, yeah?
Mira, ¿quieren onions?
217
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,070
Mira, cabrón.
218
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:07,100
Hasta en el culo, guey.
219
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:10,009
Here, take that shit
to Taco Bell. Take it!
220
00:13:11,049 --> 00:13:13,059
There's your chalupa
right there.
221
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,009
Here, let me pull
some hairs. Ay!
222
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,259
From my culo hair.
Ay! There. Better.
223
00:13:23,049 --> 00:13:25,139
Think outside the bun.
There.
224
00:13:32,059 --> 00:13:34,179
( normal )
We don't fucking eat there,
what do I care?
225
00:13:35,289 --> 00:13:37,139
But then somebody
gets E. coli--
226
00:13:37,139 --> 00:13:39,139
( affected voice )
I have E. coli.
227
00:13:40,139 --> 00:13:42,129
I couldn't go to Pilates...
228
00:13:44,169 --> 00:13:47,169
'cause I had the squirts.
I'm so...
229
00:13:47,169 --> 00:13:50,100
hot and I'm depleted...
230
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,259
'cause I have E. coli.
231
00:13:52,259 --> 00:13:54,149
( normal )
You know, Latinos don't
get E. coli.
232
00:13:54,149 --> 00:13:57,240
You know what we get?
Chorro, that's what we get.
233
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,220
The shits.
234
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:01,110
( imitates fart )
235
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,269
Seven weeks
and it don't wanna stop.
( imitates fart )
236
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,220
Now it's just water
and corn, chinga.
237
00:14:18,009 --> 00:14:22,110
Tengo E. coli.
¿Estás loco? Y que
tienes E. coli.
238
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:25,039
I ate the same shit
and nothing happened
to me, fucking liar!
239
00:14:28,210 --> 00:14:32,000
( normal )
First it started
with bad spinach.
240
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,289
That was us, too.
241
00:14:37,190 --> 00:14:40,279
You're gonna pay us $3 an hour,
we're not gonna wash it, too.
242
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,120
And if we wash it,
you're not gonna like the water.
243
00:14:47,009 --> 00:14:49,259
And they peel all the skin back
to get all the water.
244
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:56,269
Old school.
Remember that? Old school?
245
00:14:58,009 --> 00:14:59,049
Look at the white dudes.
246
00:14:59,049 --> 00:15:00,179
( affected voice )
No, I don't, actually.
247
00:15:00,179 --> 00:15:03,039
That's incredibly
unsanitary for you.
248
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:06,039
I don't know if you're aware
that you could build up smegma.
249
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,259
( normal )
Everything you touch,
250
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:14,149
we touched first.
251
00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:16,039
That's why we're here.
252
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:18,259
Chevy couldn't be
more confused.
253
00:15:18,259 --> 00:15:20,190
Their slogan right now is,
254
00:15:20,190 --> 00:15:22,259
"This is our country."
255
00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:25,080
Uh...
256
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,190
I don't think
it's your country anymore.
257
00:15:28,190 --> 00:15:30,009
You wanna know
whose country it is?
258
00:15:30,009 --> 00:15:33,090
- Guess.
- ( mariachi music playing )
259
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:40,039
( yells )
260
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,200
( music stops )
261
00:15:42,169 --> 00:15:44,100
Not no "mores"!
262
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,080
And mariachi music
is the heart and blood
263
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,129
of the Mexican people.
That music right there--
264
00:15:55,009 --> 00:15:58,279
When I was little, it sounded
like house cleaning music.
265
00:15:58,279 --> 00:16:02,139
Every time I heard that shit--
"I gotta go vacuum,
son of a bitch."
266
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,250
But once you're drunk,
that shit--
267
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:11,009
( crying )
Ay...
268
00:16:11,009 --> 00:16:12,279
( yells )
Ay!
269
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,250
White people
don't have that shit.
What do they have?
270
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:19,000
♪ You spin me right 'round ♪
271
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,139
♪ Baby, right 'round ♪
272
00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:23,000
♪ Right 'round,
'round, 'round ♪
273
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,000
♪ You spin me
right 'round, baby... ♪
274
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,029
( affected voice )
Oh, my God! My song!
275
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,059
♪ ...like a record,
baby... ♪
276
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,250
( normal )
Más puto.
277
00:16:35,179 --> 00:16:38,200
Latinos think
anything done correctly
278
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,080
is gay.
279
00:16:43,039 --> 00:16:46,220
And not "gay," but más puto,
which is really gay.
280
00:16:47,169 --> 00:16:50,110
That's puto squared.
281
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,100
Más puto.
282
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,110
Like if you're a guy
and you're walking a dog
283
00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:56,100
by yourself on a leash...
284
00:16:57,179 --> 00:16:59,129
Más puto.
285
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:09,170
( affected voice )
Come on, Biscuit,
he doesn't understand.
286
00:17:11,019 --> 00:17:13,029
( normal )
And if you're carrying
some plastic bags
287
00:17:13,029 --> 00:17:16,119
to pick up your dog's shit...
más puto!
288
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,259
Good dog.
289
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,230
What do you think
the dog's thinking?
290
00:17:21,230 --> 00:17:23,279
"Motherfucker,
I didn't know you wanted it.
291
00:17:24,269 --> 00:17:26,190
I would've shit at the house!
292
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:30,119
There's some shit under
the bed you haven't found.
293
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:34,000
If you're collecting it,
bato, I'll help you out."
294
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:38,250
You could not look gayer--
295
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:41,039
I don't know if Starbucks
did it by design--
296
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:42,289
but if you walk
with a Starbucks tray,
297
00:17:42,289 --> 00:17:45,069
no one can look cool.
298
00:17:45,069 --> 00:17:47,140
It's little and you gotta
hold it up here.
299
00:17:47,140 --> 00:17:48,289
You're walking...
300
00:17:53,019 --> 00:17:54,240
Más puto.
301
00:17:55,259 --> 00:17:56,259
You might as well be
walking around
302
00:17:56,259 --> 00:17:59,000
with a dick in your mouth.
303
00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:07,079
And if you got a Bluetooth on
while you're doing it...
304
00:18:09,099 --> 00:18:10,240
Wow.
305
00:18:11,289 --> 00:18:14,160
Get another dick
and put it in your ass.
306
00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:19,119
Look at the guy with the--
307
00:18:20,190 --> 00:18:22,109
"Turn that shit."
308
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:26,150
It would be flashing,
"I'm a puto. I'm a puto.
309
00:18:26,150 --> 00:18:28,079
I'm a puto."
310
00:18:28,079 --> 00:18:29,289
( speaking gibberish
in German accent )
311
00:18:31,029 --> 00:18:33,119
♪ You spin me
right 'round, baby ♪
312
00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:34,240
♪ Right 'round... ♪
313
00:18:39,250 --> 00:18:43,009
We're not built that way.
314
00:18:43,009 --> 00:18:44,230
We're different people.
315
00:18:44,230 --> 00:18:47,140
Negativity drives the culture.
316
00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:50,160
Latinos are driven
by negativity.
317
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,160
How many times you wanted
to go to a party you're like,
318
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,069
"Nah, I don't feel like going."
The next morning you found out,
319
00:18:54,069 --> 00:18:56,250
"Hey, you should have went,
bato, three people got shot!"
320
00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:00,160
Fuck, I should have gone.
321
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,109
I got a feeling
somebody was gonna get killed,
322
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,000
but I didn't believe it!
323
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:10,240
And now it's all about
self-esteem.
324
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,009
If you have kids,
you have to sign paperwork--
325
00:19:13,009 --> 00:19:14,180
if they play organized sports--
326
00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:17,220
that says that you'll only
yell out encouraging things
327
00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:21,089
to promote self-esteem--
más puto.
328
00:19:25,019 --> 00:19:28,059
( affected voice )
Now you see parents yelling,
"It's okay, Cameron,
329
00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:30,210
don't worry, you're still
getting a trophy.
330
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,190
You're fantastic.
331
00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:35,099
We are all
your support system.
332
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,119
O-M-G."
333
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:42,099
What did our parents yell
when they came to see us?
334
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,000
( yelling with accent )
Fucking shit-- hey!
335
00:19:45,039 --> 00:19:47,160
Open your fucking eyes!
336
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:49,259
Get it!
337
00:19:51,009 --> 00:19:52,109
Get it!
338
00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:54,170
Look at that stupid
son of a bitch.
339
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:57,009
He don't know how to catch.
340
00:19:57,009 --> 00:20:00,190
Cómo que you don't know how?
You should have told me
$100 ago!
341
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:04,069
Fucking shit!
342
00:20:05,099 --> 00:20:07,009
Hold my purse,
I'm gonna go get him.
343
00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:10,180
Oh, now you run fast,
huh, son of a bitch?
344
00:20:19,089 --> 00:20:22,130
( normal )
Kids-- oh, again?
345
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:25,240
We're live on HBO!
346
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,269
( crows )
347
00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:30,200
Do I look scared? Chale.
348
00:20:34,269 --> 00:20:38,059
Kids today cannot last
like we did.
349
00:20:38,059 --> 00:20:43,029
The kids today wouldn't last
one motherfucking day
of our childhoods.
350
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,279
- "I'm bored."
- ( thuds )
351
00:20:55,089 --> 00:20:58,059
There. Spend
the whole day recovering.
352
00:20:58,059 --> 00:20:59,190
Son of a bitch.
353
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,230
Allowance.
What the fuck is that!
354
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,230
I could have never gone
to my grandmother,
355
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,019
"Grandma...
356
00:21:19,170 --> 00:21:21,009
Ay!
357
00:21:22,269 --> 00:21:25,119
- Can I have my allowance?"
- ( imitates woman )
Son of a bitch.
358
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,099
Míralo.
359
00:21:27,099 --> 00:21:31,039
You want your allowance?
Mira, cabrón, I allow
you to live.
360
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:35,259
I allow you to live.
361
00:21:35,259 --> 00:21:38,099
Míralo, get the hell outta
here before I kill you.
362
00:21:41,079 --> 00:21:45,079
An allowance...
they don't-- you know what?
363
00:21:45,079 --> 00:21:50,099
These kids wouldn't last--
I used to kill flies
for entertainment.
364
00:21:50,099 --> 00:21:51,220
Chasing it with
a rolled-up newspaper.
365
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:53,099
( buzzing )
366
00:21:54,140 --> 00:21:56,269
I'ma kill you when I get you.
367
00:21:56,269 --> 00:21:58,039
And you'd get them
and torture them.
368
00:21:58,039 --> 00:22:00,170
( buzzing )
369
00:22:00,170 --> 00:22:03,049
With the fly guts,
"Hey, I got him. Mira."
370
00:22:05,099 --> 00:22:08,000
They wouldn't last one day.
371
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,029
My grandmother wouldn't even
give me a whole popsicle.
372
00:22:10,029 --> 00:22:12,180
That's how fucking tight
she was.
373
00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:14,250
( imitates grandmother )
Hey! Come over here, cabrón.
374
00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:24,230
( imitates child )
Can never do nothing
in this house!
375
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,259
( imitates grandmother )
You want a snow cone?
376
00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:30,140
Mira, you don't buy one. Hey!
377
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:34,009
Go to the freezer and get a fork
and scrape the ice.
378
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,190
And put some 7-Up,
it's the same thing!
379
00:22:41,150 --> 00:22:45,009
Why you crying now?
It's the same thing!
380
00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:49,079
( normal )
They used to take
you to the store,
381
00:22:49,079 --> 00:22:52,019
but never buy you shit.
How did that work?
382
00:22:52,019 --> 00:22:56,000
"Then why am I here?"
And they would yell at you
when you got out of the car.
383
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,069
( imitates parent )
And don't be asking
me for shit
384
00:22:57,069 --> 00:22:59,250
because I ain't buying you
a goddamn thing.
385
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:03,000
You listen, take that face--
I'll slap that face right off.
386
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:09,190
¿Qué pasó?
I'm bleeding and he wants a toy.
387
00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:13,170
I came to buy Kotex
and he wants a toy.
388
00:23:13,170 --> 00:23:14,259
Selfish.
389
00:23:16,089 --> 00:23:19,140
I'm bleeding, y quiere
un rocket. Beautiful.
390
00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:23,049
Ungrateful.
391
00:23:25,019 --> 00:23:27,180
( normal )
They wouldn't last one day.
392
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,250
First of all,
my daughter's 10,
393
00:23:29,250 --> 00:23:31,180
she gets bedtime stories
every night.
394
00:23:31,180 --> 00:23:33,160
( affected voice )
And then we're gonna
read "Harry Potter."
395
00:23:35,049 --> 00:23:38,230
It's getting so good.
We're gonna see what happens
to "Herniney."
396
00:23:40,059 --> 00:23:42,190
( normal )
My grandmother,
no bedtime stories.
397
00:23:42,190 --> 00:23:44,140
Just...
398
00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,069
( imitates grandmother )
I'm not gonna tell you again.
399
00:23:48,069 --> 00:23:51,109
Go to sleep.
400
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,230
I will put you to sleep.
Go...
401
00:23:55,230 --> 00:23:57,039
...to sleep.
You think I'm playing?
402
00:23:57,039 --> 00:23:59,190
Síguele, cabrón.
Síguele. I'll--
403
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,289
Want me to go get
the good night juice?
404
00:24:02,289 --> 00:24:04,130
Go--
405
00:24:05,289 --> 00:24:07,289
You know the Benadryl?
Toma, cabrón.
406
00:24:07,289 --> 00:24:10,180
Drink it.
I'm tired of your shit.
407
00:24:10,180 --> 00:24:12,150
I'll drink one with you.
408
00:24:13,170 --> 00:24:16,109
11 is your record.
Eight, nine--
409
00:24:16,109 --> 00:24:18,059
drink it, pussy.
410
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,140
( normal )
I don't wanna sleep!
411
00:24:30,099 --> 00:24:33,160
You know what
bedtime story we got?
The same one every time.
412
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,220
( imitates grandmother )
Okay, you want a bedtime
story, cabrón?
413
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:37,029
Mira, I'ma tell you.
414
00:24:37,029 --> 00:24:39,180
Once upon a land--
whatever they say--
415
00:24:40,289 --> 00:24:42,200
faraway tale.
416
00:24:43,269 --> 00:24:46,000
Mira, cabrón.
Once upon a time...
417
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,250
a long time ago...
418
00:24:48,250 --> 00:24:50,119
weeks...
419
00:24:52,109 --> 00:24:55,259
there was a lady
who drowned her kids.
420
00:25:01,039 --> 00:25:04,089
"La Llorona."
"La Llorona."
421
00:25:06,210 --> 00:25:08,150
You want me to get her?
422
00:25:08,150 --> 00:25:11,130
I'll go get her.
Then go to sleep!
423
00:25:12,069 --> 00:25:14,019
She's carpooling
with the Cucuy.
424
00:25:14,019 --> 00:25:15,289
I'll go get her.
425
00:25:20,059 --> 00:25:23,190
And the Chupacabra.
I'll go get all three of them.
426
00:25:23,190 --> 00:25:25,119
Three for one.
427
00:25:27,049 --> 00:25:30,190
Want me to show you
a picture of Britney Spears
getting out of the car?
428
00:25:30,190 --> 00:25:32,230
Go--
429
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:41,240
I didn't think you could
make panocha look bad,
430
00:25:43,230 --> 00:25:45,119
but I was wrong.
431
00:25:46,250 --> 00:25:48,279
Oh.
432
00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:50,180
That looked like roast beef
thrown on the wall.
433
00:25:56,230 --> 00:25:58,029
( gags )
434
00:26:00,069 --> 00:26:02,069
I should sue her
because since I saw the picture,
435
00:26:02,069 --> 00:26:04,029
I can't go to Quiznos.
436
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,089
( gags )
437
00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:10,240
It's toasted!
( gagging )
438
00:26:12,170 --> 00:26:13,259
( imitates fart )
439
00:26:17,099 --> 00:26:18,289
That's gacho, man.
440
00:26:22,150 --> 00:26:24,240
Fucking Latinos shave
their heads every day,
441
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,059
doesn't make the news.
442
00:26:27,059 --> 00:26:30,220
One crazy-ass white bitch
does it, it's all over
the place.
443
00:26:34,279 --> 00:26:37,029
You know what?
Maybe she had lice.
444
00:26:39,210 --> 00:26:41,200
'Cause I know in our house
you couldn't scratch your head.
445
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,130
The next thing you were
in the front yard--
( buzzing )
446
00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:47,200
( imitates woman )
And you're sleeping
on my blanket, the good one!
447
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,160
( thuds )
( buzzing )
448
00:26:50,289 --> 00:26:52,250
( normal )
I feel blood!
449
00:26:59,049 --> 00:27:02,009
White people
get in some crazy shit.
450
00:27:02,009 --> 00:27:03,269
Anna Nicole Smith has two dudes
451
00:27:03,269 --> 00:27:06,039
going to court
claiming to be the father.
452
00:27:06,039 --> 00:27:08,119
That shit is crazy to Latinos.
453
00:27:12,029 --> 00:27:14,049
( affected voice )
I'm the father!
No, I'm the father!
454
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:16,140
( normal )
That shit will never
happen to us.
455
00:27:18,019 --> 00:27:20,240
( Hispanic accent )
Hey, ¿sabes qué?
Hey, that's my kid.
456
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,069
Fuck, what am I saying?
457
00:27:26,269 --> 00:27:29,099
Different shit.
458
00:27:29,099 --> 00:27:31,009
And we're raised
with fear, so we can--
459
00:27:31,009 --> 00:27:33,200
we can be around any environment
and not freak out.
460
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,259
You know what I mean?
When we're kids,
461
00:27:35,259 --> 00:27:37,259
you know we get on rides
when we're three
462
00:27:37,259 --> 00:27:40,069
that you have to be 12
to get on.
463
00:27:41,230 --> 00:27:44,160
They send you
into a bar to get your dad.
464
00:27:51,190 --> 00:27:53,140
( imitates child )
Cuco, they want us to go home--
465
00:27:53,140 --> 00:27:55,259
( imitates father )
Shuts! Shut your mouth, stupid!
466
00:27:57,069 --> 00:27:58,289
( imitates child )
I can never do nothing!
467
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:07,009
( normal )
I couldn't swim and my
grandfather didn't give a shit.
468
00:28:07,009 --> 00:28:08,059
( imitates grandfather )
How come you're not swimming?
469
00:28:08,059 --> 00:28:09,130
( imitates child )
I don't know how.
470
00:28:09,130 --> 00:28:11,150
( imitates grandfather )
I didn't hear you, what?
471
00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:13,289
Come over here.
You don't know how?
Mira, cabrón, learn!
472
00:28:16,009 --> 00:28:18,190
Leave him.
Leave him!
473
00:28:20,019 --> 00:28:21,210
So that way, you learn.
Drink the whole pool,
474
00:28:21,210 --> 00:28:23,170
but you're gonna learn,
cabrón.
475
00:28:27,079 --> 00:28:29,269
And the kids today,
you try to explain to them
476
00:28:29,269 --> 00:28:31,109
what it was like
when we were kids.
477
00:28:31,109 --> 00:28:33,200
You might as well be talking
about the motherfucking Incas,
478
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,049
they don't give a shit.
479
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:38,000
You don't understand,
we were poor.
480
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,109
( affected voice )
Why?
481
00:28:40,190 --> 00:28:43,130
Why were you guys poor?
Didn't you guys work?
482
00:28:46,119 --> 00:28:48,069
Cripe.
483
00:28:48,069 --> 00:28:50,000
( normal )
The kids today
wouldn't last one day.
484
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,269
You know what?
They can't even put a DVD
back in the fucking case.
485
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:56,279
Learn that shit first!
486
00:28:58,170 --> 00:28:59,279
I walk through the room...
487
00:29:00,289 --> 00:29:03,000
Fucking "Shaggy Dog."
488
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,059
I almost got killed
by that "Shaggy Dog" DVD.
489
00:29:10,079 --> 00:29:12,049
And we don't have
the shit that they have.
490
00:29:12,049 --> 00:29:15,109
Go-Gurt...
( chuckles )
491
00:29:15,109 --> 00:29:17,099
( imitates child )
Mom, can I have a Go-Gurt?
492
00:29:19,059 --> 00:29:22,009
( normal )
Lunchables. What the fuck--
Lunchable?
493
00:29:23,259 --> 00:29:27,210
A juicebox. A juice... box!
494
00:29:27,210 --> 00:29:30,259
We fucking drank
from the manguera.
495
00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:34,160
The water hose.
496
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,089
And on a hot day,
the first hour and a half
was hot water.
497
00:29:40,089 --> 00:29:41,180
( spits )
498
00:29:43,019 --> 00:29:44,250
I got scalded!
499
00:29:46,119 --> 00:29:49,190
Drinking water from the hose
and it would taste
like the hose.
500
00:29:49,190 --> 00:29:51,039
You didn't give a shit.
501
00:29:53,069 --> 00:29:54,259
Turn it off!
502
00:30:09,230 --> 00:30:11,240
I have a pool in my house
that I live in,
503
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:13,140
but, you know what, I don't
need it, I never go in it.
504
00:30:13,140 --> 00:30:16,140
I needed a pool
when I was seven, not 45.
505
00:30:17,259 --> 00:30:19,220
What am I going to do now?
Float in it like a tonto?
506
00:30:19,220 --> 00:30:20,289
( laughs )
507
00:30:20,289 --> 00:30:24,049
( affected voice )
This is so much fun. Great.
508
00:30:25,180 --> 00:30:26,230
( normal )
When I was little,
we didn't have pools,
509
00:30:26,230 --> 00:30:28,289
what we would do--
shoot water in the air
510
00:30:28,289 --> 00:30:30,170
and run under it.
511
00:30:32,069 --> 00:30:33,150
Whoosh.
512
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,170
Whoosh.
513
00:30:37,170 --> 00:30:39,190
( Hispanic accent )
Look at that stupid-ass kid.
Hey, Jerry's kid!
514
00:30:39,190 --> 00:30:41,109
Get your ass in here!
515
00:30:41,109 --> 00:30:43,230
Son of a bitch, like a tonto.
Like you're paying the bill.
516
00:30:43,230 --> 00:30:45,289
Get in here, "Water World."
Stupid-ass.
517
00:30:49,069 --> 00:30:50,160
( normal )
You know where I would swim?
518
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,150
In the backyard--
in all of our backyards--
519
00:30:52,150 --> 00:30:54,180
the cement was always uneven
520
00:30:56,089 --> 00:30:59,049
and the water would collect
and that's where you would lay.
521
00:31:01,059 --> 00:31:03,230
( gurgles, coughing )
522
00:31:08,269 --> 00:31:12,230
We didn't have water wings
and arm pillows
523
00:31:12,230 --> 00:31:14,230
and an air vest hat.
524
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:22,009
We didn't have any of that shit
and we still survived.
525
00:31:22,009 --> 00:31:24,099
You know what our Lunchable was?
526
00:31:24,099 --> 00:31:28,029
You know what our Lunchable was?
Two weenies on a fork.
527
00:31:31,130 --> 00:31:34,119
Over the stove.
( sizzling )
528
00:31:37,190 --> 00:31:40,230
With two corn tortillas
and some Tapatío sauce.
529
00:31:42,210 --> 00:31:44,210
That was our Lunchable.
530
00:31:46,099 --> 00:31:48,160
Then you would take the fork
and run it to the sink...
531
00:31:49,210 --> 00:31:51,190
put it in...
( imitates steam hissing )
532
00:31:52,170 --> 00:31:55,039
You "'member."
"'Member"?
533
00:31:56,029 --> 00:31:58,049
You don't "'member"?
534
00:31:58,049 --> 00:32:00,059
You "'member."
535
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,000
That was ours
and that was the black fork.
536
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,029
You couldn't use any other fork.
537
00:32:07,029 --> 00:32:08,160
( Hispanic accent )
Hey, cabrón...
538
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,000
Mira, I'm not gonna
tell you again.
539
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,210
Don't be blacking the forks.
540
00:32:12,210 --> 00:32:14,059
Simple.
What don't you get?
541
00:32:14,059 --> 00:32:16,200
Don't black the forks!
542
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,279
Ya tenemos un black fork.
I don't need two.
543
00:32:18,279 --> 00:32:21,069
Do me a favor, respect my house
544
00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:24,170
and don't black my forks.
545
00:32:24,170 --> 00:32:25,289
Fucking shit!
546
00:32:27,109 --> 00:32:28,230
( normal )
That was my grandmother's
favorite word.
547
00:32:28,230 --> 00:32:30,069
"Fucking shit."
548
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,150
She would be calm,
the key wouldn't fit
in the lock--
549
00:32:34,150 --> 00:32:36,150
Fucking shit!
550
00:32:36,150 --> 00:32:37,259
Grandma...
551
00:32:37,259 --> 00:32:40,130
Grandma...
552
00:32:40,130 --> 00:32:42,059
take it easy.
553
00:32:43,210 --> 00:32:46,200
And now me and my grandmother
fight because she has dementia
554
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,000
and I take her
to the doctor-- you know
they have AMBER Alerts?
555
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,259
She thinks
it's the same girl.
556
00:32:55,150 --> 00:32:56,269
Like we're on the freeway,
she's like,
557
00:32:56,269 --> 00:32:59,170
( imitates grandmother )
Mira, Amber got in
another car.
558
00:33:00,190 --> 00:33:03,099
Está más puta
que la chingada.
559
00:33:03,099 --> 00:33:05,029
What do her parents do?
560
00:33:05,029 --> 00:33:07,069
They let her get into
a different car every week.
561
00:33:08,109 --> 00:33:09,259
( normal )
That's not the same girl.
562
00:33:09,259 --> 00:33:12,240
( imitates grandmother )
Don't tell me-- the same girl,
Amber!
563
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,160
( normal )
It's a different--
they just name it after--
564
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,119
( imitates grandmother )
Mira, cabrón. You don't know
a fucking thing.
565
00:33:17,119 --> 00:33:19,240
You don't have my eyes,
cabrón, you don't see
what I see.
566
00:33:20,279 --> 00:33:22,210
¿Qué no dice Amber?
AMBER Alert!
567
00:33:22,210 --> 00:33:26,109
That girl's Amber.
Es puta! Sayin'!
568
00:33:26,109 --> 00:33:28,150
Fucking shit!
569
00:33:32,069 --> 00:33:34,049
( normal )
And my grandmother--
like a lot of Latinos
570
00:33:34,049 --> 00:33:35,230
are, you know,
racist towards, you know,
571
00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:38,039
different cultures--
black people, you know?
572
00:33:40,069 --> 00:33:42,160
Look at some people clap
other people...
573
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,130
( affected voice )
I'm not gonna laugh yet.
574
00:33:47,130 --> 00:33:50,220
I'll withhold judgment
till I hear.
575
00:33:54,009 --> 00:33:57,099
( normal )
My gran-- see, my grandmother--
I had a girlfriend that was 13,
576
00:33:57,099 --> 00:33:59,079
she was black, she was
beautiful, I loved her.
577
00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:01,279
She had, you know,
little, like-- thank you--
578
00:34:01,279 --> 00:34:05,210
she had-- her tetas were like
stargazers, they went
up to the sky like,
579
00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:07,240
like horns.
( imitates horn )
580
00:34:12,260 --> 00:34:14,260
I didn't know
what to do with 'em,
I just wanted 'em.
581
00:34:14,260 --> 00:34:16,110
( slurps )
582
00:34:17,230 --> 00:34:19,159
So I'm walking home with her,
my grandmother sees me,
583
00:34:19,159 --> 00:34:21,150
and all she
has to do is honk.
( imitates car horn honking )
584
00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:30,090
( imitates grandmother )
Mira, fucking "Boogie Nights,"
get your ass home.
585
00:34:30,090 --> 00:34:32,179
Son of a bitch.
Míralo, Peaches & Herb.
586
00:34:32,179 --> 00:34:34,260
Hey, Herb!
Get your ass--
587
00:34:37,219 --> 00:34:40,219
Pinche Denzel.
Get your ass home!
588
00:34:43,199 --> 00:34:46,139
( normal )
You know the fucked-up part?
I was darker than her.
589
00:34:51,260 --> 00:34:54,110
So now my grandmother
has dementia.
590
00:34:54,110 --> 00:34:56,269
They don't know
where they are, right?
Dementia, you know?
591
00:34:56,269 --> 00:34:59,010
And she's on oxygen,
but it's not connected
to anything.
592
00:34:59,010 --> 00:35:00,150
She just wears the hose.
593
00:35:22,130 --> 00:35:24,260
But I won't put her
in a nursing home because
that's not what we do.
594
00:35:24,260 --> 00:35:26,079
That's not what
our culture does.
595
00:35:26,079 --> 00:35:28,039
Our culture-- that's right!
596
00:35:31,110 --> 00:35:34,159
Our culture does not allow
for us to put our relatives
597
00:35:34,159 --> 00:35:37,090
in nursing homes
or convalescent homes.
598
00:35:37,090 --> 00:35:38,239
That's not what we do.
599
00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:42,039
We keep them
in the house with us.
600
00:35:43,289 --> 00:35:46,239
They're in
the back of the house,
but they're in the house.
601
00:35:49,030 --> 00:35:52,030
They're in the Cucuy room
in the back.
602
00:35:52,030 --> 00:35:55,230
The one that's always
40 degrees colder than
any other room.
603
00:35:59,039 --> 00:36:01,190
And I told
my grandmother in 1988,
when my grandfather died,
604
00:36:01,190 --> 00:36:05,030
I said, "I will pay all your
bills, you will never have to
worry about another bill
605
00:36:05,030 --> 00:36:07,010
because I'm the man
of the house now.
606
00:36:07,010 --> 00:36:09,139
I'm the man.
I'll pay the bills."
607
00:36:10,199 --> 00:36:13,090
That was in 1988.
608
00:36:13,090 --> 00:36:15,289
I did not think the bitch
was gonna live this long.
609
00:36:20,110 --> 00:36:23,159
She won't die.
( imitates grandmother )
Why should I die? I got it nice.
610
00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:28,239
I'm gonna make
you pay, cabrón. Orale.
611
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,050
TV star.
Chíngale, cabrón.
612
00:36:32,079 --> 00:36:33,190
( normal )
And she knows I'm on TV,
613
00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:37,039
but she thinks I'm Raymond
from "Everybody Loves Raymond."
614
00:36:37,039 --> 00:36:39,079
( imitates grandmother )
Raymond, get over here, cabrón.
615
00:36:40,150 --> 00:36:42,059
Where's "Boogie Nights"?
616
00:36:44,190 --> 00:36:46,289
( normal )
And now that she's old, she
needs round-the-clock nurses.
617
00:36:46,289 --> 00:36:49,159
So since she had problems
with black people when she
was younger...
618
00:36:49,159 --> 00:36:52,239
I decided to teach her a lesson
before she leaves Earth.
619
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:59,179
So all her nurses are black.
620
00:36:59,179 --> 00:37:03,230
There's 12 and every one
is blacker than the other.
621
00:37:06,019 --> 00:37:09,000
The last two are almost purple,
that's how black they are.
622
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:14,000
So that way, you learn!
So that way, you learn.
623
00:37:15,159 --> 00:37:17,119
And she'll call me up
'cause she don't know
their names,
624
00:37:17,119 --> 00:37:18,269
and she'll call
me up, I'm like,
"What's the matter now?"
625
00:37:18,269 --> 00:37:21,070
( imitates grandmother )
Diana Ross wants to
give me a bath.
626
00:37:23,289 --> 00:37:26,150
( normal ) Who?
( imitates grandmother )
Diana Ross!
627
00:37:26,150 --> 00:37:31,000
La negra que está
en mi casa me quiere
limpiar el culo... my panocha.
628
00:37:32,090 --> 00:37:35,050
I don't need the "Dreamgirls"
to clean my ass!
629
00:37:37,219 --> 00:37:39,090
( normal )
What?
630
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:42,139
Five minutes later,
"What now?"
631
00:37:42,139 --> 00:37:44,199
( imitates grandmother )
Chaka Khan stole my sweater.
632
00:37:46,019 --> 00:37:47,280
I know you don't believe me,
son of a bitch.
633
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,250
Fucking shit.
634
00:37:49,250 --> 00:37:52,250
Chaka Khan stole my sweater.
635
00:37:52,250 --> 00:37:55,159
- Who?
- Chaka Khan!
636
00:37:58,219 --> 00:38:00,170
Son of a bitch!
637
00:38:02,010 --> 00:38:05,019
Talk to them, Denzel,
they're your people!
638
00:38:10,130 --> 00:38:12,159
( normal )
And let me tell you this.
People don't want us here.
639
00:38:12,159 --> 00:38:15,289
That is the most insane thing.
640
00:38:15,289 --> 00:38:17,210
To not want Latinos
in the United States.
641
00:38:17,210 --> 00:38:21,039
We do all the jobs
that no one in America
wants to do.
642
00:38:21,039 --> 00:38:23,119
That's what we do.
643
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:28,139
Who do you think
is rebuilding New Orleans?
644
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:31,150
Guess.
( mariachi music playing )
645
00:38:37,210 --> 00:38:39,199
( crows )
646
00:38:40,150 --> 00:38:42,119
( music stops )
647
00:38:42,119 --> 00:38:45,239
You know who?
F.E.M.A., that's who!
648
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:49,000
"Find Every
Mexican Available."
649
00:38:58,179 --> 00:39:00,219
That's right. Us!
650
00:39:00,219 --> 00:39:03,010
Us. Like it or not.
651
00:39:03,010 --> 00:39:04,179
At 5:30 in the morning,
we're working.
652
00:39:04,179 --> 00:39:07,280
We're not at Starbucks
playing fucking sudoku.
653
00:39:10,210 --> 00:39:12,269
You hear what I'm saying?
Everybody loves to play sudoku.
654
00:39:12,269 --> 00:39:15,269
( affected voice )
Oh, my God. This is so good.
A latte, please.
655
00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:19,059
I am transfixed on sudoku.
656
00:39:19,059 --> 00:39:21,219
I am sudoku crazy.
657
00:39:21,219 --> 00:39:24,010
Don't talk to me,
I'm doing sudoku.
658
00:39:26,110 --> 00:39:29,019
( normal )
I guess that's like
novelas to Latino people.
659
00:39:32,090 --> 00:39:34,230
But everything is different now.
I'm 45 years old,
660
00:39:34,230 --> 00:39:39,099
I'll be 46 in April,
and I am old school,
a la madre.
661
00:39:39,099 --> 00:39:41,210
Old school.
662
00:39:44,030 --> 00:39:46,260
The older I get,
the more-- I yearn--
663
00:39:46,260 --> 00:39:49,190
"watchalo," I'ma use
big words. Hey, yearn.
664
00:39:52,170 --> 00:39:54,170
Like Latinos,
we can't go anywhere
665
00:39:54,170 --> 00:39:57,159
and not drink.
I'm sorry.
666
00:39:57,159 --> 00:40:00,030
We must drink.
667
00:40:00,030 --> 00:40:02,070
We must.
668
00:40:02,070 --> 00:40:04,250
And not social either.
We don't social drink.
669
00:40:04,250 --> 00:40:06,039
( affected voice )
Would you like another
chardonnay?
670
00:40:06,039 --> 00:40:08,269
Oh, God, I better not.
671
00:40:08,269 --> 00:40:10,039
( normal )
You wanna see us at our limit?
672
00:40:10,039 --> 00:40:12,010
( gagging )
673
00:40:16,190 --> 00:40:18,289
Get it out, Grandma.
Get it out.
674
00:40:20,090 --> 00:40:23,010
You only turn 87 once.
675
00:40:23,010 --> 00:40:24,219
Get it out. Watch out!
676
00:40:24,219 --> 00:40:26,289
( whistles )
677
00:40:26,289 --> 00:40:28,190
That's my grandma!
678
00:40:29,250 --> 00:40:31,280
Take a picture!
( whistles )
679
00:40:33,059 --> 00:40:35,119
That's my grandma.
She's not gonna remember.
680
00:40:40,010 --> 00:40:42,030
( normal )
Whenever Latinos talk,
we always got some
681
00:40:42,030 --> 00:40:44,050
sound effect with it.
"Hey, last night I went
to this place.
682
00:40:44,050 --> 00:40:46,070
Están las viejas ahí.
( whistles )
683
00:40:48,099 --> 00:40:50,139
( normal )
You know we're in trouble
when we use big words.
684
00:40:50,139 --> 00:40:51,280
"I was dancing right there,
out there like...
685
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,110
( hums tune )
686
00:40:53,110 --> 00:40:55,170
And I was like...
( whistles tune )
687
00:40:56,289 --> 00:41:01,010
And unbeknownst to me...
688
00:41:01,010 --> 00:41:03,269
( stammers )
Hey, unbeknownst.
689
00:41:03,269 --> 00:41:06,059
My lady was watching me
like...
690
00:41:06,059 --> 00:41:07,199
( whistles tune )
691
00:41:14,110 --> 00:41:16,239
I told her, "¿Sabes qué?
That wasn't me.
692
00:41:19,010 --> 00:41:22,139
I tried to talk to her,
bato, she was inconsolable."
693
00:41:25,199 --> 00:41:28,019
We drink and always end up
with a hangover,
694
00:41:28,019 --> 00:41:29,119
but yet still go to church.
695
00:41:29,119 --> 00:41:31,019
That's how
good Catholics we are.
696
00:41:33,070 --> 00:41:37,000
You ever go to church with
the stamp from the nightclub
on your hand?
697
00:41:40,030 --> 00:41:42,179
Use holy water to try
to get it off?
698
00:41:50,070 --> 00:41:52,130
¿Quieres agua? Toma.
699
00:41:53,090 --> 00:41:54,280
I got some Tylenol.
700
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:04,119
Even when you go
get communion, you can't
walk in a straight line.
701
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:24,010
And that priest will
smell your breath, he'll be...
702
00:42:35,190 --> 00:42:38,059
You know the perfect
religion for Latinos?
703
00:42:38,059 --> 00:42:40,019
Muslim...
704
00:42:40,019 --> 00:42:42,190
'cause you can go
worship hungover.
705
00:42:42,190 --> 00:42:45,119
You take the little carpeta.
You just...
706
00:42:52,260 --> 00:42:54,269
( snores )
707
00:43:01,119 --> 00:43:04,070
Allah!
708
00:43:04,070 --> 00:43:06,159
A la verga.
709
00:43:15,219 --> 00:43:17,030
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
710
00:43:17,030 --> 00:43:18,090
I'm all right.
Grandma!
711
00:43:18,090 --> 00:43:21,179
( whistles )
She's still there.
712
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,039
And in the old days
713
00:43:27,039 --> 00:43:29,090
I love that women
had pelo down there.
714
00:43:29,090 --> 00:43:31,019
( whooshes )
715
00:43:31,019 --> 00:43:32,269
Bush y pelo.
716
00:43:32,269 --> 00:43:36,059
♪ Pelo, pelo ♪
717
00:43:36,059 --> 00:43:38,199
♪ Pa-pelo ♪
718
00:43:38,199 --> 00:43:41,059
♪ Pelo ♪
719
00:43:41,059 --> 00:43:43,059
( vocalizing )
720
00:43:43,059 --> 00:43:44,219
♪ Pelo ♪
721
00:43:44,219 --> 00:43:47,019
♪ Pa, pa, pelo. ♪
722
00:43:47,019 --> 00:43:48,150
( whooshes )
723
00:43:48,150 --> 00:43:51,199
That shit looked like
you were smuggling
a Commodore.
724
00:43:53,039 --> 00:43:54,130
( whooshes )
725
00:43:55,219 --> 00:43:57,289
And the more hair they had,
the sexier it was.
726
00:43:57,289 --> 00:43:59,250
It'd come out the back.
( whooshes )
727
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:03,210
Like mud flaps.
( whooshes )
728
00:44:03,210 --> 00:44:07,099
And when it was hot,
the hair would stick
to the legs.
729
00:44:07,099 --> 00:44:09,079
Like flames.
( whooshes )
730
00:44:10,050 --> 00:44:11,260
( exclamation )
731
00:44:13,010 --> 00:44:14,280
I can't wait!
732
00:44:16,099 --> 00:44:18,170
And she had hair
and you had hair
733
00:44:18,170 --> 00:44:22,130
and together that hair would--
( screeches )
734
00:44:22,130 --> 00:44:24,000
And that hair was coarse!
735
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,130
That shit was tight!
It would hurt!
736
00:44:26,130 --> 00:44:28,179
( screeches )
737
00:44:28,179 --> 00:44:30,280
And the whole room
would smell like carne asada.
738
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:32,110
( screeching )
739
00:44:37,119 --> 00:44:40,010
( affected voice )
I want "fagitas."
740
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:45,070
Save me a plate.
741
00:44:49,130 --> 00:44:51,010
( normal )
It doesn't look
like it look now.
742
00:44:51,010 --> 00:44:53,039
Now it look like
a dead bird.
743
00:44:56,050 --> 00:44:58,090
There's nothing down there.
( buzzes )
744
00:44:59,090 --> 00:45:01,039
Back in the day,
the only time they shaved you
745
00:45:01,039 --> 00:45:03,150
when you had
your appendix out.
746
00:45:03,150 --> 00:45:04,239
That's it.
747
00:45:06,199 --> 00:45:09,050
And you had to work to find
it 'cause it was so...
( whooshes )
748
00:45:09,050 --> 00:45:10,110
You had to get
your hand in there.
749
00:45:10,110 --> 00:45:11,170
That's why they called it
"snatch"
750
00:45:11,170 --> 00:45:14,090
'cause it might grab--
oh, shit.
751
00:45:14,090 --> 00:45:15,239
Fuck.
752
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:17,239
Fu-- all right,
I'm sorry. Let--
753
00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:20,050
Shit, my arm. My arm!
754
00:45:23,260 --> 00:45:26,250
You'd be working
and trying to find it...
nothing, huh? Nothing?
755
00:45:26,250 --> 00:45:28,119
Ay!
Oh, shit, what'd I do?
756
00:45:28,119 --> 00:45:31,030
Wha--
I wasn't paying attention.
Which finger? Huh?
757
00:45:31,030 --> 00:45:33,090
Better?
Better or worse?
758
00:45:33,090 --> 00:45:35,219
Better?
759
00:45:35,219 --> 00:45:37,019
Let me--
¿sí or no?
760
00:45:37,019 --> 00:45:38,260
¿Sí... o no?
761
00:45:38,260 --> 00:45:41,019
Yes? No? Maybe?
762
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,059
Ay!
That one right there?
763
00:45:44,059 --> 00:45:46,210
Ay! Ay! Ay!
Ay! Ay!
764
00:45:56,050 --> 00:45:58,230
And you'd get in it, man.
You just be...
( whooshes )
765
00:45:58,230 --> 00:46:01,179
And you be down in there.
( growls, barks )
766
00:46:05,219 --> 00:46:08,059
( growls, barks )
767
00:46:17,130 --> 00:46:19,070
( barks )
768
00:46:22,079 --> 00:46:25,039
And the hair was little,
but when you stretch,
it about that long.
769
00:46:28,179 --> 00:46:30,219
Cochina, cabrón.
770
00:46:32,139 --> 00:46:34,070
And Latinos could eat pussy,
let me tell you that.
771
00:46:34,070 --> 00:46:36,030
We were down--
( growls, barks )
772
00:46:37,210 --> 00:46:40,079
We grew up poor, sometimes
that was the only time
we ate all day.
773
00:46:41,210 --> 00:46:44,289
With a corn tortilla
in one hand. Juice--
( barks )
774
00:46:54,159 --> 00:46:56,230
That's how we did it.
775
00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:58,179
And they even had
hair around the nipple.
776
00:46:58,179 --> 00:47:00,010
That shit-- aye.
777
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:05,059
Like curb feelers, just long--
ah, shit. Touch me.
778
00:47:09,019 --> 00:47:11,219
It was different back then.
779
00:47:11,219 --> 00:47:15,219
Back then Latinas weren't trying
to be white like they are now.
780
00:47:15,219 --> 00:47:17,199
You know you dye your hair,
don't make me turn all
the lights on,
781
00:47:17,199 --> 00:47:19,139
I'll fucking find your ass.
782
00:47:19,139 --> 00:47:21,170
Bink.
783
00:47:23,039 --> 00:47:27,050
Leave your hair--
cabrona, leave your hair...
784
00:47:27,050 --> 00:47:29,190
the natural color.
785
00:47:32,019 --> 00:47:34,099
Leave it!
786
00:47:34,099 --> 00:47:38,179
No one will ever convince you
for being blond. Please.
787
00:47:38,179 --> 00:47:41,090
You got blond hair
and black fucking arm hair.
788
00:47:41,090 --> 00:47:42,230
That shit--
789
00:47:47,110 --> 00:47:49,050
As soon as you talk,
you'll give yourself away.
790
00:47:49,050 --> 00:47:51,019
( imitates Hispanic woman )
What you looking at, bitch?
791
00:47:52,139 --> 00:47:54,070
( affected voice )
Wait a minute.
792
00:47:54,070 --> 00:47:56,059
You're not one of us,
God damn it.
793
00:47:57,150 --> 00:47:59,280
What's your name? Socorro?
Oh, no, come here.
794
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:02,039
You're going to
the main office.
795
00:48:02,039 --> 00:48:05,050
Desiree, can you take
"Saccoro" outta here, please?
796
00:48:09,190 --> 00:48:12,260
( normal )
And save your eyebrows.
Quit plucking them.
797
00:48:12,260 --> 00:48:16,170
That shit does not
look good!
798
00:48:18,079 --> 00:48:20,019
Half the girls are clapping,
the other half---
799
00:48:20,019 --> 00:48:22,190
( imitates woman )
Fuck him, man. Fuck him.
800
00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:25,190
You don't know me.
I'm gonna put a Bluetooth on.
I don't give a fuck-- him!
801
00:48:27,090 --> 00:48:29,050
( normal voice )
You're gonna look like
your aunt that's all bitter
802
00:48:29,050 --> 00:48:31,139
with the two lines.
( whooshes )
803
00:48:32,250 --> 00:48:34,289
It looks like she's going
downhill on a bike fast.
804
00:48:44,210 --> 00:48:48,050
That shit does not look good.
I got an aunt that just
uses Sharpie now.
805
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:49,269
( imitates aunt )
It works better.
806
00:48:52,039 --> 00:48:54,030
You put that Sharpie
and you don't turn your arm,
807
00:48:54,030 --> 00:48:57,110
you just turn your head así.
"Zas," perfect.
808
00:48:59,170 --> 00:49:01,219
You put the Sharpie,
let the ink soak
809
00:49:01,219 --> 00:49:03,239
and turn slowly, "zas."
810
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:06,250
If you want an "arsh"
you just dip and "zas."
811
00:49:08,019 --> 00:49:09,210
Perfect every time.
812
00:49:09,210 --> 00:49:12,119
I was hungover one day
and I didn't want people
to know,
813
00:49:12,119 --> 00:49:14,230
so I put the lines high.
814
00:49:16,110 --> 00:49:19,170
So I looked awake,
pero estaba más babosa
que la chingada.
815
00:49:20,199 --> 00:49:22,210
But I look awake because
of right there-- like that.
816
00:49:22,210 --> 00:49:25,030
I look surprised,
people would be scared.
( screams ) What?
817
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:31,030
And I went to a funeral
and I didn't know the man,
818
00:49:31,030 --> 00:49:33,079
and I put them low.
Así, so...
819
00:49:35,159 --> 00:49:38,219
It look like
I was in mourning.
"Aww, so sad.
820
00:49:40,269 --> 00:49:42,289
What a loss."
821
00:49:47,139 --> 00:49:49,250
( normal )
I have an aunt--
I can't say her name
822
00:49:49,250 --> 00:49:51,079
'cause I'll get sued--
823
00:49:53,159 --> 00:49:56,070
You know who it is, cabrón.
824
00:49:56,070 --> 00:49:59,230
She tries to be young.
That train passed.
825
00:49:59,230 --> 00:50:02,190
She's 62 years old
with a belly ring.
826
00:50:02,190 --> 00:50:05,139
That shit looks
like a place to put air.
827
00:50:05,139 --> 00:50:07,050
Like you just sneak up
with the air holes.
828
00:50:07,050 --> 00:50:08,199
( imitates air hissing )
829
00:50:12,050 --> 00:50:14,260
And she wears
a halter top in the summer.
830
00:50:17,019 --> 00:50:20,070
Those chichis look like
two towels hanging on a rack.
831
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,059
And she has four kids.
Let me tell you this,
832
00:50:32,059 --> 00:50:35,019
I couldn't believe
somebody fucked her once.
833
00:50:39,030 --> 00:50:42,269
That's gacho, huh? Yeah,
well, she's not on HBO.
Fuck her.
834
00:50:45,139 --> 00:50:48,230
FTB.
Fuck that bitch.
835
00:50:49,239 --> 00:50:51,199
Should have been nicer to me.
836
00:50:54,030 --> 00:50:56,130
You can't be young,
the time has passed.
837
00:50:56,130 --> 00:50:59,230
Just enjoy your time
and just live in the time.
838
00:50:59,230 --> 00:51:02,179
Don't try to be young.
Be yourself!
839
00:51:04,079 --> 00:51:07,119
She wears a thong!
It's not even in the crack,
it's on the side!
840
00:51:12,059 --> 00:51:15,099
- Put it in the middle!
- ( imitates aunt ) No, I
don't want to get it dirty.
841
00:51:21,159 --> 00:51:25,059
When I put it in the middle,
me siento que me está
rompiendo la panocha.
842
00:51:30,219 --> 00:51:34,039
Latinos are different people.
We're not gonna drive hybrids.
843
00:51:34,039 --> 00:51:36,019
Let me tell you that
right now. That's not--
844
00:51:36,019 --> 00:51:39,070
that's not our style.
We don't give a fuck
about global warming,
845
00:51:39,070 --> 00:51:42,059
the environment,
we don't give a shit!
846
00:51:43,139 --> 00:51:46,039
We don't care if gas
costs $8.00 a gallon,
847
00:51:46,039 --> 00:51:49,110
we're gonna put $11.00
whatever price it is!
848
00:51:51,269 --> 00:51:54,139
And we can't drive a car
that don't make noise.
849
00:51:59,039 --> 00:52:01,150
( affected voice )
I get 65 miles to a gallon.
850
00:52:01,150 --> 00:52:04,000
( normal )
Yeah, but you look
like a puto doing it.
851
00:52:06,070 --> 00:52:07,199
( affected voice )
That's not fair.
852
00:52:08,260 --> 00:52:11,219
( normal )
If we want to conserve gas,
we drive slower.
853
00:52:13,179 --> 00:52:17,090
We need cars--
you ever have a car
that didn't turn off
854
00:52:17,090 --> 00:52:18,289
after you turned it off?
855
00:52:20,159 --> 00:52:21,250
Look at the white dudes.
856
00:52:21,250 --> 00:52:24,000
( affected voice )
No, I never--
I always had a...
857
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:25,179
certified used vehicle.
858
00:52:25,179 --> 00:52:27,039
( normal )
Look at all the Latinos.
859
00:52:27,039 --> 00:52:28,130
( Hispanic accent )
You turn it off, that car
would be alive.
860
00:52:28,130 --> 00:52:30,059
( clunking )
861
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:33,079
( normal )
You'd be walking away,
it'd still be jumping.
862
00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:36,090
( clunks )
It'll turn off.
It'll turn off.
863
00:52:41,019 --> 00:52:43,210
When a car don't start
in a Latino neighborhood,
864
00:52:43,210 --> 00:52:46,099
that's when the fun starts.
Everybody's an expert.
865
00:52:46,099 --> 00:52:47,210
( Hispanic accent )
Take that thing off.
Mira, bato,
866
00:52:47,210 --> 00:52:51,130
take the air off
and put gas in the hole.
867
00:52:51,130 --> 00:52:54,099
Put gas in the hole!
868
00:52:54,099 --> 00:52:56,079
In the hole--
mira, cabrón,
869
00:52:56,079 --> 00:52:58,159
put it in the hole!
870
00:52:58,159 --> 00:53:00,170
( affected voice )
Have you consulted
the owner's manual?
871
00:53:00,170 --> 00:53:02,210
( imitates grandmother )
Fucking shit!
872
00:53:02,210 --> 00:53:05,010
Mira, cabrón,
I'm the owner...
873
00:53:07,070 --> 00:53:09,019
and that's Manuel.
874
00:53:19,289 --> 00:53:22,289
Manuel!
Put it in the hole!
875
00:53:25,250 --> 00:53:29,280
( normal )
I live in a neighborhood
that's very white
876
00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:32,139
and I live in the middle
of the street
877
00:53:32,139 --> 00:53:35,250
with a half-built fence
so that they know a Mexican
lives there.
878
00:53:38,170 --> 00:53:41,079
And I don't even use the gate,
I jump the fence when
I get home.
879
00:53:46,159 --> 00:53:49,059
'Cause that's where
the country's going.
880
00:53:49,059 --> 00:53:52,159
39 million Latino people
881
00:53:52,159 --> 00:53:55,250
in the United States.
Million!
882
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:01,199
And now there's a voice!
883
00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:03,019
39 million.
884
00:54:03,019 --> 00:54:04,059
I don't know how
they counted us
885
00:54:04,059 --> 00:54:05,230
because when you
knock on our door, we hide.
886
00:54:05,230 --> 00:54:07,079
I don't know how that shit--
887
00:54:07,079 --> 00:54:09,000
Don't knock on our door,
we're not gonna answer.
888
00:54:13,289 --> 00:54:15,199
( imitates dog barking )
889
00:54:18,130 --> 00:54:19,289
But you honk, we all run out.
890
00:54:19,289 --> 00:54:21,250
( honks )
891
00:54:25,260 --> 00:54:27,260
( Hispanic accent )
I thought that was my ride, ey.
892
00:54:33,139 --> 00:54:35,179
( normal )
We do the best work.
893
00:54:35,179 --> 00:54:39,070
Cheaper, better, faster.
894
00:54:39,070 --> 00:54:43,210
You understand?
Cheaper, better, faster.
895
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:48,110
Permits?
Estás loco, fucking permit.
896
00:54:48,110 --> 00:54:51,030
You permit me,
so I'm doing it.
897
00:54:53,190 --> 00:54:55,250
I had to get a circuit breaker
put in my house,
898
00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:58,010
so I hired a guy
with a legitimate, you know,
899
00:54:58,010 --> 00:55:00,010
estimate-- he had a contract,
the lights, and a Bluetooth.
900
00:55:00,010 --> 00:55:02,119
( affected voice )
Hi, can I call you back?
901
00:55:02,119 --> 00:55:05,289
I'm talking to,
you know, "Phil-eye-pee"
or whatever his name is.
902
00:55:05,289 --> 00:55:08,050
Yes, hi, do you want
a circuit breaker installed?
903
00:55:08,050 --> 00:55:10,179
Yes, we'll have to wait
for the inspector to come,
we'll put the box.
904
00:55:10,179 --> 00:55:12,150
Make sure the wire
is the proper gauge
905
00:55:12,150 --> 00:55:15,039
and the insulation
is flame-retardant.
906
00:55:16,199 --> 00:55:19,150
Hey, don't be giving me
retarded ones, give me
the real one.
907
00:55:23,170 --> 00:55:25,280
So I passed on that dude
and I hired a Mexican dude
908
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:28,010
that showed up
with his wife and kids
909
00:55:28,010 --> 00:55:30,139
all in the front seat.
910
00:55:30,139 --> 00:55:32,099
Nobody in the backseat.
911
00:55:32,099 --> 00:55:34,280
And when he pulled up,
912
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:36,099
you know what music
was playing?
913
00:55:36,099 --> 00:55:40,079
- Guess.
- ( mariachi music playing )
914
00:55:44,079 --> 00:55:48,099
( hoots )
915
00:55:48,099 --> 00:55:50,179
( music stops )
916
00:55:50,179 --> 00:55:54,159
So he walks up...
first thing he says,
917
00:55:54,159 --> 00:55:57,070
- ( heavy accent )
"Ju speak Engli?"
- ( normal ) I'm sorry?
918
00:55:57,070 --> 00:55:59,280
- ( heavy accent )
You speak English?
- ( normal ) Yes.
919
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:02,170
( heavy accent ) Okay, me, too.
Fudge your mother, stupid.
920
00:56:10,210 --> 00:56:13,070
( normal )
I think somebody
taught him that and...
921
00:56:13,070 --> 00:56:15,159
told him it was
cool to say.
922
00:56:15,159 --> 00:56:17,050
( heavy accent )
You wanna put a circuit breaker?
923
00:56:17,050 --> 00:56:19,110
- ( normal ) Yes.
- ( heavy accent )
Okay, fudge your mother.
924
00:56:27,070 --> 00:56:29,099
Fuck your dick.
925
00:56:30,090 --> 00:56:33,170
( normal )
Fuck my dick?
Anyways, okay...
926
00:56:33,170 --> 00:56:35,010
I want to put
a circuit breaker.
927
00:56:35,010 --> 00:56:37,000
( heavy accent )
No, you can do it.
You can do. You can do.
928
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,000
You can do.
929
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:41,199
"Ju" wanna put it in "frong"?
930
00:56:41,199 --> 00:56:43,170
In "frong"!
931
00:56:43,170 --> 00:56:47,090
F-R-O-N-T. "Frong."
932
00:56:47,090 --> 00:56:50,039
( normal )
Oh, in the front. Yes.
933
00:56:50,039 --> 00:56:52,269
- How much is it?
- ( heavy accent )
No, "noshing, noshing."
934
00:56:54,050 --> 00:56:56,159
Give me a case and a half.
( whistles )
935
00:56:58,070 --> 00:57:01,239
( whooshes )
I'll be done like that.
( whooshes )
936
00:57:01,239 --> 00:57:02,289
( normal )
How much is it
going to cost?
937
00:57:02,289 --> 00:57:05,039
( heavy accent )
Nothing. Mira!
938
00:57:05,039 --> 00:57:07,050
It's not gonna cost you
nothing because, ¿sabes qué?
939
00:57:07,050 --> 00:57:10,050
I'ma connect it to your
neighbor's house.
940
00:57:15,019 --> 00:57:18,010
Si me gusta, sí.
Si no, fudge your mother.
941
00:57:22,289 --> 00:57:24,210
You wanna talk about
illegal aliens,
942
00:57:24,210 --> 00:57:26,030
I think we should look
at the Asian people.
943
00:57:26,030 --> 00:57:28,269
I went to see Cirque du Soleil
in Las Vegas,
944
00:57:28,269 --> 00:57:32,190
motherfucking chinos
can get in a little-ass box.
945
00:57:33,219 --> 00:57:36,119
I think we start
there first.
946
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:38,159
You gonna go to McDonald's,
order a happy meal,
947
00:57:38,159 --> 00:57:41,050
and 11 chinos are gonna pop out.
948
00:57:45,199 --> 00:57:48,050
He got on my toy
and he rode away!
949
00:57:51,139 --> 00:57:53,190
They say a lot of
the immigrants early on
950
00:57:53,190 --> 00:57:55,099
were Asian, but, you know,
I don't believe it.
951
00:57:55,099 --> 00:57:58,199
I think they were just
Latinos with the sun
in their eyes.
952
00:58:01,130 --> 00:58:03,190
Toma el foto, guey.
Toma el foto.
953
00:58:10,070 --> 00:58:13,269
We don't need blueprints
or schematics
954
00:58:13,269 --> 00:58:16,030
or design,
we do shit by heart.
955
00:58:16,030 --> 00:58:17,230
We do shit by ear.
956
00:58:17,230 --> 00:58:21,110
We don't have measurements.
We're not gonna show up
with a scope.
957
00:58:21,110 --> 00:58:23,059
( affected voice )
Let's see here.
958
00:58:24,289 --> 00:58:29,039
Brian, can you move over
a skosh? Fantastic.
959
00:58:30,139 --> 00:58:32,019
What do we do?
We walk in the yard
in our boxers.
960
00:58:32,019 --> 00:58:33,280
( Hispanic accent )
Where do you want it?
961
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:35,030
( normal )
We close one eye.
962
00:58:35,030 --> 00:58:37,070
( accented )
More. More.
963
00:58:37,070 --> 00:58:40,039
More. I can see you now.
Mark it.
964
00:58:48,250 --> 00:58:50,130
( normal )
Let me tell you this.
965
00:58:50,130 --> 00:58:54,079
America is the greatest
country in the world.
966
00:58:54,079 --> 00:58:56,230
That's why everybody
wants to come here--
967
00:58:58,110 --> 00:59:01,050
for the American Dream.
That's what everybody wanted
968
00:59:01,050 --> 00:59:03,230
in the beginning,
that's what everybody
wants now.
969
00:59:03,230 --> 00:59:08,000
I am a living example
of the American Dream.
970
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:10,159
I came from no place!
971
00:59:10,159 --> 00:59:12,059
No mother!
972
00:59:12,059 --> 00:59:14,070
No father!
973
00:59:14,070 --> 00:59:16,250
Nobody in my family
who believed in me.
974
00:59:16,250 --> 00:59:20,219
And this year, my show
will go into syndication.
975
00:59:20,219 --> 00:59:23,239
Syn... dication!
976
00:59:28,050 --> 00:59:32,090
Which means George Lopez
ain't going "nowheres," ey.
977
00:59:40,150 --> 00:59:43,150
And my family always
told me that I would
end up on the street.
978
00:59:43,150 --> 00:59:45,199
"You're worthless, George.
You're gonna end up
on the street."
979
00:59:45,199 --> 00:59:47,050
You know what?
They were right.
980
00:59:47,050 --> 00:59:50,260
I did end up on the street.
On the Hollywood Walk of Fame!
981
00:59:52,070 --> 00:59:53,219
Thank you, America!
982
00:59:53,219 --> 00:59:55,289
Y viva la raza!
983
01:00:13,190 --> 01:00:15,239
( music playing )
984
01:00:24,190 --> 01:00:26,289
♪ All my friends ♪
985
01:00:26,289 --> 01:00:29,059
♪ Know the lowrider ♪
986
01:00:31,070 --> 01:00:33,239
♪ The lowrider ♪
987
01:00:33,239 --> 01:00:36,000
♪ Is a little higher ♪
988
01:00:38,039 --> 01:00:40,090
( music continues )
989
01:00:58,090 --> 01:01:00,269
♪ The lowrider ♪
990
01:01:00,269 --> 01:01:03,110
♪ Drives a little slower ♪
991
01:01:05,079 --> 01:01:07,250
♪ lowrider ♪
992
01:01:07,250 --> 01:01:10,079
♪ Is a real goer ♪
993
01:01:12,059 --> 01:01:14,110
( music continues )
994
01:01:16,269 --> 01:01:19,030
♪ Hey ♪
995
01:01:19,030 --> 01:01:21,079
( music continues )
996
01:01:32,190 --> 01:01:35,010
Thank you very much.
Good night and I love you!
997
01:01:35,010 --> 01:01:37,090
Viva Phoenix!
998
01:01:37,090 --> 01:01:40,050
Viva Oscar De La Hoya!
999
01:01:40,050 --> 01:01:41,289
Viva Carlos Santana!
1000
01:01:41,289 --> 01:01:44,190
Viva Cesar Chavez!
1001
01:01:47,079 --> 01:01:49,130
( music continues )
1002
01:02:06,280 --> 01:02:12,030
♪ Lowrider
don't use no gas now ♪
1003
01:02:13,239 --> 01:02:18,210
♪ The lowrider
don't drive too fast ♪
1004
01:02:18,210 --> 01:02:20,260
( music continues )
1005
01:02:41,210 --> 01:02:44,239
♪ Take a little trip,
take a little trip ♪
1006
01:02:44,239 --> 01:02:48,090
♪ Take a little trip
and see ♪
1007
01:02:48,090 --> 01:02:51,239
♪ Take a little trip,
take a little trip ♪
1008
01:02:51,239 --> 01:02:55,219
♪ Take a little trip
with me ♪
1009
01:02:55,219 --> 01:02:57,269
( music continues )
1010
01:03:09,019 --> 01:03:12,280
♪ Lowrider
drives a little slower ♪
1011
01:03:14,250 --> 01:03:19,230
♪ Lowrider
is a real goer ♪
1012
01:03:21,280 --> 01:03:24,039
( music continues )
1013
01:03:26,179 --> 01:03:27,269
( song ends )
72707
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof