All language subtitles for Daffy Ducks Quackbusters 1988 1080p BluRay x264-PFa_track3_[eng]-eng

[I7]

[I7]

DAFFY:
"And then,
Nose-man takes the ax

and chops his way
into the city's inner sanctum."

And then what?
Then what?

Ah! Here it is.
Nose-man says:

"This place is malodorous.
Chock full of malignancies."

Gads, this comic's
a real page-turner.

It's slopping over
with gripping suspense.

Let's see now, let's see.
Uh, Nosey says:

"Do my nostrils detect
the overpowering stench

of a prehistoric monster?"

He turns around and--

Ah! Smogzilla.

"Story continued in Hideous
Tales, Issue Number 177.

Gee, that's nice.

"Story continued in
Hideous Tales 177"?

Where is it?
Where is it?

It's a veritable
collector's item.

[I7]

[I7]

Quick, you're on
in five seconds.

What?
Who? Where? Huh?

[BUZZING]

[GROANING]

Gee, tough audience.

[FEEDBACK WAILS]

[AS MEL TORME]
♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi
Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do ♪

Hmm.

[SCATTING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Say, this stuff works great.

Take it, Ghoulie.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[AS MEL TORME]
♪ They're drenched in blood
Or caked with mud ♪

♪ You yell and scream
When one of them arrives ♪

♪ There is no denying ♪

♪ Monsters lead
Such interesting lives ♪

♪ They live in ooze ♪

♪ They've paid their dues ♪

♪ No brothers, sisters
Moms or dads or wives ♪

♪ Honest, I'm not lying ♪

♪ Monsters lead
Such interesting lives ♪

[HOWLING]

♪ When you see them
Coming down the street ♪

♪ You better not have weights
Tied to your feet ♪

♪ They'll steal your heart ♪

♪ Tear you apart ♪

♪ Limb from limb ♪

♪ On a whim
They'll suck your brains ♪

♪ And eat your remains ♪

They'll slice you up
With little forks and knives ♪

♪ They're never merry ♪

♪ They're oh so scary ♪

♪ Monsters lead
Such interesting lives ♪

♪ They're independent fellas ♪

♪ They don't live
Nnine-to-fives ♪

♪ Monsters lead
Such interesting lives ♪

[CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Thank you. Thank you.

So are you folks
enjoying yourselves?

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Hi, Frankie.
How's the missus?

[HISSES]

Look, it's mummy dearest.

Still all wrapped up
in yourself, I see.

[CHUCKLES]

And-- Whoa, it appears we have
a celebrity in our midst.

That 22-ton terror
of Tokyo town,

that towering colossus
of scaly reptilian bulk.

Of course,
I'm talking about--

Throw a spot on him,
would you, fellas?

Smogzilla!

So, Smog baby,
leveled any major cities lately?

You know, folks,

Smogzilla's just like
any unemployed actor.

Except that when
he pounds the pavement,

it registers a 10
on the Richter scale.

[GROWLS]

Aw. What's the matter?

The public not buying those
cheap special effects anymore?

[GROWLING]

[DAFFY SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

A dream.
It was all a dream.

Heh-heh-heh. Smogzilla.

You was expecting
maybe Calvin Coolidge?

[I7]

[I7]

[I7]

[I7]

[DAFFY SCATTING]

DAFFY:
Right this way, folks.
Right this way.

It's a bargain
at any price.

Step right up and get yourself
a brand-new Delorean.

No household
should be without one.

Just $60,000 in three easy
weekly installments.

Yes, sir, these little babies
are selling like hotcakes.

Plus, there's a free six-pack
of ice-cold Billy Beer

with every purchase.

They're sturdy,
they're dependable,

they're factory fresh.

They're-- They're--

Hmm. Slightly used.
They're--

[DOG BARKS]

[I7]

Sticky Glue.

So strong it can suspend
this cow from an iron girder.

[MOOS]

And so easy to use.

Just place between
the thumb and forefinger,

gently squeeze, and--

And, uh,
it really sticks.

Uh, like that there.

[MOOS]

[I7]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I represent
the Excelsior Appliance

and Appurtenance Company

with a complete line of
household appliances

[STAMMERING]
and appurt--

Is the lady of the house in?

MAN:
No!

[I7]

DAFFY:
Here you are, folks.

Step right up.
Step right up.

My company has authorized me
to offer, at slashed prices,

this complete line
of laugh provokers.

The little gem
flower squirter.

Now, don't crowd.
Don't crowd.

Well, isn't anybody
gonna crowd?

Anybody?

How about
a Joe Miller joke book?

Eh. Laughs galore.

Ajax rib-tickler, ma'am.
Amuse your boyfriend.

It's used like a--

It's nice.

Special price
on Chicken Inspector badge, sir.

It's only 13 cents.

Amuse your friends with
a 200-volt electric hand buzzer.

It's shocking.

MAN [ON TV]:
We interrupt this program

for the latest news
on the health of tycoon

and financier, J.P. Cubish.

Special bulletin. J.P. Cubish,
the multimillionaire,

is in a critical condition.

The ailing buzz-saw baron,

who has not laughed
in 50 years,

has been quoted saying
he'd give a million dollars

for one good laugh
before he passes on.

Suffering succotash,
what am I waiting for?

I'll make that old sad sack
bust a seam laughing.

Hmm. Imposing-looking pile.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Yes?

Your troubles
are over, Jeeves.

Lead me
to your stricken master.

Be gone.

Can't go in, huh?
Uh, no.

Oh, well, no hard feelings.
Shake.

[YELLS]

Cigarette?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, you can see him.
You can see him.

[LAUGHS]

Right this way.

And that's just a sample.

Just a sample, Ruggles,

of what I can do
for your master.

Through here, sir.

Thank you, boy.

[SPLASH]

Watch that first step, Meadows.
It's a dilly.

♪ Singing in the bathtub
La-da-dee-dah ♪

I was a bit dusty.

Zenith Little
Giant Wall-Scaler.

[GARBLED]
What did you do to my teeth?

What--?

[THUD]

[I7]

[CRASH]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[LIQUID SLOSHES]

Pop!

[IMITATES DRAINING SOUND]

Skol.
Skol.

[BUTLER GROWLS]

[DAFFY YELPING]

Gulp.

Gulp.

Whoops! How are things
in Glocca Mora?

Once and for all,
I'm going to--

Not so fast,
my man Godfrey.

It becomes increasingly apparent
that I'm not wanted around here.

Are we to assume that
there is anything significant

in this attitude of yours?

That A, a butler
might not want his master

to recover his good health?

But I--
That B,

said butler should endeavor
to remove from the premises

the only person
capable of restoring

said health
to said master?

No, no.

Where were you
the night of April the 16th?

A likely story.

I see it all now.
You and the upstairs maid.

"Do the old boy in,"
you said.

"Elderberry wine and old lace,"
you said.

Then, "The quick getaway,"
you said.

Rio de Janeiro,
tropical nights, romance,

and a heavy bank account.

No. No.
Yes. Yes.

But you weren't smart enough,
John, alias Johnnie.

Alias Jack.

Alias Jackie. Phew.

What's Humphrey Bogart got
that I ain't got?

But I--
But you--

But just to show you
I'm not all copper

I'm gonna give you
a 10-minute head start.

But I--
Don't try to fight me now.

Hurry,
they're on your trail!

Run!
Out this way!

Aah!

And stay
on the straight and narrow.

Now to business.
Lace your corset, J.P.

Here I come.

Mm-hm. Hmm.

Don't worry, gramps.

We'll have you fixed up
in a jiffy.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

What's that for, bub?
I haven't even started yet.

What's the matter?
You see anything green?

Any flies on me?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[I7]

"And to my beloved mascot,
Daffy Duck,

"who has given me much solace
in my final days,

"I leave the bulk
of my financial assets

"with the provision
that Daffy use the money

"to exemplify
the highest spirit

"of American free enterprise

and display honesty
in all business affairs."

[LAUGHING]

Woo-hoo! Success at last.

[LAUGHS]

♪ I'm in the money
I'm in the money ♪

♪ I've got a lot of
What it takes to get along ♪

Ah, upward mobility.

The smell of it.

Gads, that Cubish.
What a rube.

[CHANTING]
Honesty in business affairs

Honesty in business affairs

How corny can you get?
I mean, what's he gonna do?

He can't take it with him.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

CUBISH:
Oh, no?

[CUBISH CACKLES]

Cubish.

[I7]

What? No.

Cut it out, would you?

CUBISH:
You must use the money
for good in the world.

Yeah, use it for good.

Strange that you should mention
that.

My very intention.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

CUBISH:
You must provide
a service to the community.

Yup. Uh-huh. Sure, sure.
Community service.

It's the American way.

Sheesh. What a hypocrite.
What a gyp.

Community service, huh?
I'll give him community service.

I'll see to it
that ingrate ghosts

are wiped from
the face of the Earth.

I'll rid the world
of disgusting ectoplasmic slime

like J.P. Cubish.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Uh, nice ectoplasmic slime
like J.P. Cubish.

Phew.

Quite artistic,
if I do say so myself.

Things are really looking up.

Nice new office,
appropriate decor

and me, set to embark

on a potentially lucrative
business endeavor.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[COUGHS]

Yup, the supernatural
is a wide-open field.

There are crackpots out there

who think they've seen
a spook or something.

It's supply and demand.

They supply the ghosts
and I demand the money.

All of which
is safely ensconced herein.

Sixteen million, 17...

[MUTTERING]

Twenty-six, 27.

Okay, it's all here.
What's left of it, anyway.

Now all I need is some
underlings to boss around.

After all, somebody's
gotta do the dirty work.

Which reminds me,
where is that stupid rabbit?

He was supposed to be here
an hour ago.

Thinks he's such a big star.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Not again. Eek!

What'd I say?
What'd I say?

I know, I know.

It was what I said
about the rabbit, right?

Well, I take it back.
He's a swell rabbit.

He'll be a valued
and trusted associate.

All right, all right,
I'll make him vice president.

Cubish!
I'll get you yet!

Well, seeing is believing.

"Daffy Duck,
paranormalist."

That's right.
Paranormalist.

We'll be a pair of
paranormalists. Get it?

Perhaps you were wondering
why I called you here today.

Well, actually, I was just
in the neighborhood, and I--

You couldn't wait
to lend your support

to my little crusade
against the undead.

I tell you, it's a crisis
of epidemic proportions.

All these vampires,

zombies and men from Mars
traipsing about.

The streets aren't safe.

Something's got to be
done about it.

Okay, okay, but why me?

It's your civic
responsibility.

The public
will listen to you.

A veritable paragon of
wholesome family entertainment.

Eck!
Gee, I don't know.

This was supposed to be
my vacation, and--

Vacation, did you say?

We offer marvelous
travel opportunities.

Palm Springs?

Well, uh,
close to it anyway.

How's the Bermuda Triangle?
We'll see what we can do.

Hmm. He looks
cool-headed enough.

Time to test his mettle

under honest-to-goodness
field conditions.

I'll give him
the treatment.

[GROWLING]

Gasp.

[YAWNS]

[PANTING]

So is it a deal?

Sure, sure.
Just call me if you need me.

And by the way,
you never looked lovelier.

Heh-heh. I love these
novelty accoutrements.

They're a riot at parties.

But I wonder
if that rabbit

will be able to
cut the mustard.

Perhaps he needs
a little backup.

Now, for some creative
recruitment tactics.

Porky Pig, huh?

Well, you couldn't ask for
a better pigeon than that.

DAFFY:
And then there are
the numerous fringe benefits,

such as our generous
employee insurance policies.

You may rest assured
that if anything happens to you

I'll be well taken care of.

So, are you in?

Oh, why, yes, Mr. Duck.

I would dearly love
to join forces

with your brave band
of a para--

Of ghost exterminators.

Do you think you have
what it takes?

Oh, uh, yes, sir.

I'll give him
the acid test.

Oh, and one more thing.

Anyone that works with me
should never get me riled.

Oh, and why not?

Because I'm a split personality.

That's why not.
I'm two people in one.

A schiz--
A schizophreniac.

When people are nice to me,
I'm sweet, gentle and loving.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello, baby.
Nice, fat little butterball.

Oh, heh, now, stop.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But when some wise guy
starts pushing me around,

look out.

I turn into
a hideous monster.

[PANTING]

[GROWLING]

[CRASHING]

Get the idea, buster?

I do. I do.
Indeed, I do.

And I'll be real nice
and kind and gentle to you.

[DAFFY GROWLS
THEN PORKY SCREAMS]

[STAMMERING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, brother.
Have I got this chump going.

What a knucklehead,

falling for that
split-personality monster gag.

That treacherous trickster.

I'll show him
who's a knucklehead.

I'll give him
a dose of his own medicine.

I hope I look scary enough.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I think I'll go
scare some more daylights

out of the little butterball.

[PANTING]

Suffering catfish.

I didn't realize
I was that hideous.

I'm not.

[PANTING]

[SCREAMS]

PORKY:
Heh-heh.
Gosh, what a scaredy-cat.

Anybody who'd be scared
of a masquerade costume

is a craven little coward.

[SCREAMS]

Take it easy, fat stuff.
I was just testing you.

Good news.
You got the job.

[CRASH]

You passed
with flying colors.

You are too kind.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny,
and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Porky Pig speaking.

Yes. Why, yes, we do.
[PHONE RINGING]

We'd be happy to send you
our free brochure.

Daffy Duck's the name,
the supernatural's my game.

What's that?
You say the Loch Ness monster

is living in your Jacuzzi?

Well, call Roto-Rooter.

Huh, crank call.

All I can say is,

never underestimate
the power of the media.

The phone's been ringing
off the hook

ever since we started
advertising on TV.

What the--?
Now, how did he get in here?

How many times
do I have to tell you?

No pets in the office.

Why don't you ever
listen to me?

You got wax
in your ears? I--

[THUNDER CRASHES]
Ooh!

Eeps!

I've heard of deflation,
but this is preposterous.

Cease. Desist.

Wait, I get you.

I gotta be nicer
to my slave labor, right?

Chubby over there.

I thought so.
Say no more.

I'll treat him
with kid gloves.

Sorry, Snuggles.
I didn't mean to startle you.

I may be in the chips

but I don't forget
the little people

I've stepped on
along the way.

I'll give you a raise.
Two raises.

Bonuses galore.
I'll-- Oops!

Okay, that's it.
Get out of here.

Why, I ought to--

What a sweet little fellow
we are.

But my,
don't we look peaked?

Sort of wan
and sallow-like.

How thoughtless of me to have
left you cooped up

in this stuffy old office.

[YOWLS]
There now.

Here's a nice
spacious window ledge

for you to stretch out on.

[PIGEONS COOING]

[STAMMERING]

Pardon me, Your Eminence.
I have some pap--

Some correspondence
for you to sign.

Quiet.
Our commercial's coming on.

MAN [ON TV]:
- -and your entire family.

Hello, folks.

I don't know about you,
but as for me,

there's nothing
more upsetting

than having a bunch of
unwelcome ghosts and ghouls

clanking around the house.

Did you ever have
one of those mornings

when you wake up
to a whole series

of unexplainable phenomena?

Hey. Hey, hey,
what's up, doc?

What--? Aah!

What's going on around here?
Where did--? Aah!

Where am I, anyway?

[SCREAMS]

If you've ever
had this problem--

And who hasn't?

- -just call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked,
goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd,
aliens alienated,

vampires evaporated
and monsters remonstrated.

Just call 555-5925.

Remember, that's the same
as dialing 5655-KWAK.

A masterpiece.

Even better
the 47th time you see it.

But too bad the rabbit
had to overact so much.

[I7]

[I7]

[CACKLING]

[CHUCKLES]

[PIGEONS COOING]

[I7]

[PANTS]

Just being a pussycat
is a constant hazard.

[I7]

Phew! They still haven't
perfected flying.

I thought
I saw a pussycat.

I'd better hide,

or that bad old pussycat
gonna get me.

[I7]

[CACKLES]

No use hiding, bird.

I know you're around here
somewhere.

[CACKLES]

You bad old pussycat.

[CACKLES]

[I7]

[CACKLING]

Open up.
Open up, I say.

Open this door
or I'll knock it down.

[CRASH]

[I7]

I'll jump!
I've got a choice? Aah!

Fly! Fly faster!

Fly harder!
Fly! Fly!

He's a killer!
Help! Save me! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Save me!
He's a killer! Help!

Ha! I gotcha.

And just to make sure
you don't get out

and that goon
don't get in,

I'm locking the door and
tossing the key out the window.

There.

And now, for that Tweety
sandwich I've been dreaming of.

Stop squirming.

I can't stand a sore loser.

Now for a little seasoning.

There's cloves,

Tabasco sauce,

mustard...

What?
No ketchup?

Well, I guess I'll just
have to eat you without ketch--

Help!
Open the door!

Help! I'm locked in
with a killer!

Aah! Help! Help!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Help!

Help! Save me!
Aah! Aah! Aah!

Save me!
He's a killer! Help!

Sylvester.

Most outrageous exhibition
of wanton cowardice.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Shameful.

Yeah, shameful.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Sylvester, now,
where have you been?

What's gotten into you?

He's a complete
basket case.

One word.

Rhinoceros?

Quasimodo?

Monster.

Why, that's just
a little old canary bird

fluttering in the breeze.

You yellow dog of
a cowardly Sylvester, you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Now, Sylvester,
come on off of there.

Yes, yes?

Hmm. Yes.
You ought to be declawed,

you silly ninny, you.

Okay, that's it.
You're done. Fired.

Pink-slipped without pay.
[THUNDER CRASHES]

How's about you
and your darling pet

taking a little
excursion to--

To...

To the resort town
of Dry Gulch.

There's something screwy
going on down there.

Terror in the tumbleweeds,
that sort of thing.

Never fear.

My eagle eye
will be ever alert

to anything out
of the ordinar-- Ordinar--

To anything unusual.

Gosh, Sylvester,
isn't it wonderful?

An all-expense-paid vacation.

Hey, easy on
the expenses, Jack.

And take that panicky
feline with you.

Come along now,
you pusillanimous pussycat, you.

Well, Sylvester,
here we are.

Dry Gulch,
our first assignment.

Golly,
I've always wanted to be--

Go out West.
Haven't you, Sylvester?

It's so quaint
and picturesque.

I don't think we're ever
going to find any gho--

Poltergeists out here.

Dry Gulch Hotel.
How opportune.

I hope
they're not full up.

Come on, Sylvester.

I'm afraid we'll just
have to wake somebody up.

[I7]

What the--?

Sylvester.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now, come on.
Get down from there.

I ought to clobber you.

Come on,
you great yellow cat, you.

[I7]

What now?

Brother, the things
I have to put up with

with this idiotic cat.

It's just a little
teeny harmless spider,

you shameless craven, you.

Now, come on.
I'm sleepy.

I'll just ring
for the night clerk.

[RINGING]

PORKY:
I guess they're all asleep.

So I think we'd better
just sign the register

and look up a room
for ourselves.

We'll straighten the whole thing
out in the morning.

All right, what's the big idea
pushing me?

Oh, don't be such an idiot.

What are you, a schizophre--?
A schizophre--7?

A manic-depressive
or something?

[CRASHING]

[GUNFIRE]

PORKY:
Sylvester!

What are you trying to do,
wake everybody in the house?

Of all the screwball ideas.

Fighting with stuffed animals.

PORKY:
Ha, ha! Weren't we lucky to find
an unoccupied suite, Sylvester?

Now, let's go to sleep.

You'll feel a lot better
in the morning.

Psychopathic old pussy cat, you.

[I7]

Unh! What--?
I can't breathe.

What's going--?
Hey, hey, hey!

Sylvester,

what are you doing
with that rope?

And that razor?

[PORKY MUMBLING]

That settles it.
Out you go.

Out, out, out!

[I7]

PORKY:
What--? Get off of me.
Get out of here.

What's the big idea?

What are you up to now,
Sylvester?

Sylvester, you come out of there
this instant.

Uh, well?

Oh, cut it out.

Of all the nonsense.

I guess the only way
you'll be safe from the bogeyman

is to sleep here with me.

You poltroon
of a chicken cat, you.

[I7]

Mice.

[GUNFIRE]

Tell me, Sylvester, is there
any insanity in your family?

[I7]

[PORKY YAWNS]

PORKY:
What a lovely morning.

This really
is a restful place.

You know, I think we'll just
stay here for a week or 10 days

and get really
rested up.

♪ Oh, give me a home
Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer
And the antelope play ♪

[BANG]

♪ And the deer
And the antelope play ♪

♪ And the deer
And the antelope play ♪

♪ And the deer
And the antelope play ♪

♪ And the deer... ♪

[I7]

[SIGHS]

[ANNOUNCER READS
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Yow! Yipes! Yow!

[YELPS]

Bothered by monsters?

Not to worry.

Our highly-skilled
professional staff

is equipped to handle
any supernatural emergency

using only the most
advanced techniques.

My associate
shall now demonstrate.

My stars.

Where did you ever get
that awful hairdo?

It doesn't
become you at all.

Here, for goodness' sake.
Let me fix it up.

Look how stringy
and messy it is.

What a shame.

Such an interesting
monster too.

My stars,
if an interesting monster

can't have
an interesting hairdo

then I don't know
what things are coming to.

In my business, you meet
so many interesting people.

Bobby pins, please.

But the most interesting ones
are the monsters.

Oh, dear,
that'll never stay.

We'll just have to have
a permanent.

Now, I've gotta give an
interesting old lady a manicure

but I'll be back
before you're done.

So, folks, call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked,
goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd,
aliens alienated,

vampires evaporated,
and monsters remonstrated.

Just call 555-5925.

Remember, that's the same
as dialing 5655-KWAK.

Daffy Duck,
anything for a buck.

Mr. Duck,
I seem to be having trouble

with my kitchen appliances.

Listen, lady,
this ain't no electrician's.

Well, it isn't quite
that kind of trouble.

Your ad says paranormal expert,
and--

Oh, I get it.
Monsters in the microwave,

bats in the blender,
that sort of thing.

No problem.

Just slip into something
out of this world

and I'll be right over.

A damsel in distress,
and in a swanky part of town.

Okay, so where's the fire?

It's in the oven, I presume.

Whoops!

My mistake.

Nothing a little Uzi-Off
couldn't fix.

Hmm, must be
the frost-free kind.

Phew! I could use
some liquid refreshment.

Say, lady,
where do you keep your glasses?

WOMAN:
They're in the cupboard.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

Hmm. It's getting
a little crowded in here.

What say we mosey on

into someplace
a little more cozy-like

and talk things over.

So you have these
Tupperware parties often?

[GIGGLES THEN GROWLS]

Ahem. Oh, Daffy,
you're so witty.

Yes, I am witty at that.

How very perceptive of you
to notice.

Oh, Daffy,
I'm so scared.

And it's so comforting to have
a short, dark, handsome duck

like you to protect me.

You will help me,
won't you?

Sure, sweetums.
It's in the bag.

With a little cooperation,
and the proper setting,

we could hold hands
and have a séance.

Handy things,
these séances.

Gosh, I don't know
my own strength.

Come on down to Papa, baby.

Oh! Big,
strong Daffy-waffy

gonna protect
little itty-bitty me?

Oh, brother, not another
schizophrenic dame.

Hey, Sybil, any more like you
in the family?

Could you send back
that older sister of yours?

[SHRIEKS THEN MOANS]

Ou-yay upid-stay erk-jay.

And I thought French
was a romantic language.

Mary had a little lamb

but I ate it!

[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
So tell me,
mein fraulein,

when did you start
hearing these voices?

Was it something
in your childhood, perhaps?

Buried deep
in your subconscious mind?

Search your memory.

You're blocking.

[SHRIEKING]

This is a little
over my head.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Here we are. How to Exorcise.
Just the ticket.

If this doesn't get her,
nothing will.

"One and two
and three and four.

One and two
and three and--"

Whoops. My error.

Ah, here it is.
The real McCoy.

"Of utmost importance
in the exorcism of spirits

is to keep them amused."

Keep them amused, huh?
I'll slay them.

A guy came up to me,

said he hadn't had a bite
in weeks

so I bit him.

Howdy, stranger.

Just flew in
from another world, huh?

I'll bet
your arms are tired.

Hmm. They don't seem
all that amused.

Maybe it's a culture gap.

I'll try something
a little closer to home.

Did you hear the one
about the girl

who didn't pay
her exorcist bill?

Her soul got repossessed.

Oh. What? Who? Huh?

Why, I feel like
my old self again.

Nothing to it, really,
for one of my sophisticated wit.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh-oh!

[GIGGLES]

That tickles.

Oh, my hero.

[I7]

[SCREAMS]

Y'all come back now,
you hear?

[DAFFY LAUGHING]

[PANTING]

Phew! What a fiasco.

House calls are definitely
hazardous to my health.

Cubish.

Let's see what my nemesis
has been up to in my absence.

Yow!

The money supply
is dwindling.

I'm down to my last million.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes, please, anything.

Porky Pig reporting for duty,
O noble leader.

Oh, it's you.
So, what's the story?

Any ghouls
in them there hills?

Sorry, sir.
A perfectly uneventful trip.

Except for
this terrible headache.

I guess I'm not used to
the brisk desert climate.

[CHUCKLES]

DAFFY:
Well, there's something screwy

going on
around there, buddy.

I've been getting lots of calls
about suspicious-like activity.

Why don't you head on down
to the Superstition Mountains

and do some more snooping?

You're bound to find
some rich nut

who's superstitious enough

to pay us royally
for our services.

Boldly go where
no pig has gone before.

Great news, Sylvester.

We're off to
the Superstition Mountains.

Bills, bills, bills.

It's positively stultifying.
[THUNDER CRASHES]

But I don't mind paying them.
Nice bills, good bills.

Can't get enough of them.

Some rich sucker
for the supernatural

better materialize soon.

[RINGS]

Daffy Duck,
paranormalist par excellence.

WOMAN:
Hello, this is
a person-to-person collect call

to Mr. Daffy Duck
from outer Transylvania.

Go ahead, please.

MAN 1:
I want to bite your neck.

MAN 2:
No, no. Don't drive that
wooden stake through my heart.

[MAN 1 CACKLES THEN GROWLS]

Transylvania? Yuck!
What a gruesome assignation.

But still,
somebody's gotta go there.

I can't afford to leave
any stone unturned.

Ah, I got it!
I'll stick the nasty job

on that underemployed rabbit.

After all, I did promise him
travel opportunities and--

Go ahead,
it's your quarter.

DAFFY:
Guess what, pal?

I pulled a few strings,

sliced through some
bureaucratic red tape, and--

You mean
I get to go to Palm Springs?

Well, not to
Palm Springs exactly,

but someplace even balmier.

Scenic Transylvania,

tourist spot
of the Western world.

I hear it's simply breathtaking
this time of year.

Just call me
when you get there

and we'll map out
your strategy.

[I7]

Oh! Wow, what a belt.

These Transylvanian hardwoods
ain't too soft.

Who is that delicious
young creature, Emily?

Uh-oh. Uh, good morning,
ladies-- Lady.

Could you direct me
to the nearest telephone?

Doesn't he look sweet
and crunchy, Agatha?

Oh, well, uh, never mind.

I'll just check
at that motel over there.

Boy, they don't make places
like this anymore.

Be a wonderful place
for a vacation.

[BELL CHIMES]

Sorry to disturb you, sir.
I'd like to use your telephone.

I know it's late, but--

BLOODCOUNT:
Oh, no, it's never too late.

Come in.
BUGS: Yeah, well,

you see, I just wanna
call my partner in the U.S.A.

to tell him I've arrived
in your charming country.

Boy, keen-looking lobby
they got here.

Uh, telephones, telephones.

Why do hotels always hide
the telephone...

...booths.

Oh, uh, yeah.
You must be the head waiter.

Count Bloodcount,
at your service, sir.

Yeah. Well, look, Con,
about those telephones.

Telephones?
Telephones?

Oh, yes.
Right this way.

Say, nice little place
you've got here, doc.

Interesting decor.
Homey, comfortable.

Nice recreational
facilities.

Nothing like family portraits

to brighten up a place,
I always say.

BLOODCOUNT:
This is your room.

Yeah, sure, doc,
but I don't want a room.

I just want a telephone.

Rest first.
Telephone tomorrow.

Rest is good
for the blood.

[YAWNS]

Well, I am
a little fatigued.

Goodbye, little friend.

I mean, good night.

Asleep yet?

Nope.

Well, ring
if you need anything.

Cyanide or like that.

Same old problem.

I just can't sleep
in a strange bed

no matter how nice
the place is.

Hey, that's what I need,
something to read.

Hmm. "Magic Words and Phrases."

Sounds interesting. Yeah.

Uh... "Magic can be performed
either by potions

"or by the use of
magic words and phrases.

"Among the most powerful
of these

is the word
aba-- Abracadabra."

Yeah.
Oh, sure it is. Sick humor.

"It is to laugh
magic words--"

Golly, what big mosquitoes
they do have around here.

Hold still, you little devil.
There.

"Another highly useful
magic word is hocus-pocus."

Anyone we know, Agatha?
No.

Splendid-looking specimen,
though.

Boy, I hope
the restaurant's still open.

I haven't eaten
since I left Cucamonga.

[BUGS HUMMING]

♪ Abracadabra ♪

Another one?
They ought to screen this place.

[COUGHING]

[BUGS HUMMING]

♪ Hocus-pocus ♪

I am a vampire.

Oh, yeah?
Well, abracadabra.

I'm an umpire.

Hocus-pocus.

I'm a bat.

Okay, I'm a bat too.

Abracadabra.

You wouldn't hit a bat
with glasses on, would you?

Hocus-pocus.

Now I crush you.

Abracadabra.

[THUD]

[MUFFLED]
Hocus-pocus.

BUGS:
Abracadabra.

Hocus-pocus.

BUGS:
Abracadabra.

Abraca-pocus.

Hmm, uh...
Pocus-cadabra.

Newport News.

Wow, I can do
better than that.

Walla Walla, Washington.

Oh, uh, girls.

Emily, look.
It's our little friend.

Look, Emily.

Isn't it romantic?

I always said,
four heads are better than one.

Well, a telephone at last.

Hello, operator?

Could you please connect me
with a certain Mr. Daffy Duck

in New York City, U.S.A.?

[HUMMING]

♪ Abraca-pocus

So, what's the bad word?

Anything inexplicable
to write home about?

No, nothing special.

But I did manage to bring
together two lovely couples

who have a lot in common.

What do you think
we're running here,

a matrimonial agency?

Just like that rabbit.

The company's
crashing down around me

and he gets sentimental.

Let's see, now. Let's see.
Form A, 62-B.

I can deduct 30 thou

because of my winning
personality, but wait.

According to schedule 77,

since I was born in a month
with an Rin it

I can write off this,
subtract that,

carry the one and--

These new simplified tax forms
are driving me nuts.

Setbacks, setbacks.

[SOBBING]

[CUBISH CHUCKLING]

Ah, I got it.

I'll claim my deceased
Uncle Robespierre Duck

as a dependent.
Ha-ha-ha!

What the IRS don't know
won't hurt them. Heh-heh.

Nothing simpler than a little
juggling of the books.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Oh, come on,
I like to juggle books.

It's good, clean, harmless fun.
See? Juggling.

It's my hobby.

[PHONE RINGS]
Uh, hello?

Himalayas. A giant monster
running amok,

ruining tourist trade.

Come quick. Help!

[ALL SHOUTING]

The Himalayas.
Duty calls.

I'll hop down there,

make short order
of this Bigfoot thing

and they'll
generously reward me

with Tibetan beads
and trinkets.

But, you know, giant monsters
aren't exactly my forte.

I could use a front man
to take some of the lumps.

Hmm. Sounds to me
like another menial task

for that dumb bunny.

Transylvania,
Transylvania.

Where is that stupid number?

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Yes?

Hello, Bugs?
Daffy here.

How's about a nice
executive junket to--?

No, not Palm Springs.

To the rugged Himalayas.

Seems the local yokels
have a problem with some giant.

Must be some kind
of a native superstition.

Here we are,
the Himalayas.

What a way for a duck to travel:
underground.

Crimenetlies, it's cold.

Good thing I packed
my winter wardrobe.

I don't see any giant.

Hey, come to think of it,
I don't even see any Himalayans.

You know, if we just reroute
through Albuquerque,

we could probably hit
Palm Springs by this afternoon.

You and your one-track mind.
First things first, buster.

There's still the little matter
of this giant to take care of.

Guess I'll backtrack a bit.

I must have missed
something on the way.

[I7]

All right,
what's holding up the works?

What's all the--?

[SCREAMS]

Oh, what a cute little pink
bunny rabbit.

Just what I always wanted.
My own little bunny rabbit.

I will name him George,
and I will hug him

and pet him
and squeeze him.

I'm not a bunny rabbit.

SNOWMAN:
And pat him
and pet him and--

You're hurting me.
Put me down, please.

SNOWMAN:
And rub him
and caress him and--

I ain't no bunny rabbit!

Not a bunny rabbit, George?

Then how come
you have long ears?

How come?
Long ears? Oh, heh-heh.

Those aren't ears.
Those are sleeves.

So now put me down,
please, huh?

Oh, George,
you were naughty to pretend

you was a bunny rabbit.

I will punish you good.

Bad old George.

Look, doc, I know where
there's a real bunny rabbit.

A very cuddly
and a fuzzy rabbit...

And then, after a carrot burger
and a malt in Albuquerque--

Oh, Bugsy.
Bugsy, buddy.

Oh, hi.
What's up, duck?

Come here, old pal.
Hmm?

My own little bunny rabbit.

Hey, an abominable snowman.

I will name him George
and I will hug him and--

Oh, sure.
I know I'm a louse.

But I'm a live louse.

SNOWMAN:
And I will give him security.

And I will keep him warm
like a mother hen

so he will never feel rejected
or lack for love.

Poor old Bugs.

But anyway you look at it,
it's better he should suffer.

After all,
it was me or him,

and obviously,
it couldn't be me.

It's a simple matter of logic.

I'm not like other people.

I can't stand pain.
It hurts me.

Okay, Abom,
here's your bunny rabbit.

A bunny rabbit, George?

Bunny rabbit? Me?
Yes, you, doc.

Ho, ho. Very funny.
Ha, ha. Very droll.

Hey, Shorty, what do you
consider to be

the distinguishing
characteristics of a rabbit?

Uh, distinguishing character--

Yeah, yeah. What makes a rabbit
look like a rabbit?

Why, the long ears.

And whom around here
has long ears?

Sorry to have to
do this to you, bud.

Eh, don't give it
a second thought.

Oh, boy.
Just what I always wanted,

my own little bunny rabbit.

They really do make
a charming couple.

SNOWMAN:
Pet him and squeeze him
and rub him

and stroke his bill
and rub his pretty feathers.

Hey. Wait a minute.

Bunny rabbits don't have
feathers and bills.

I know. I know.
There goes your bunny rabbit.

Hey, uh, George.

Wait.

Ha, ha! Look out, bunny rabbit.
This I gotta see.

[I7]

And I searched
and I searched.

Phew. It's hot.

But I never caught up
with my little bunny rabbit.

Gee, that's tough,
Mr. Adomin-abable.

And now I'll never--

Gosh, it's hot.

- -never see my bunny rabbit
again.

Don't give up hope, yet, doc.

If you love him,
he'll come back.

Well, here I am.

Massacre started yet?
Fireworks gone off?

Balloon gone up?

Oh, boy.
A bunny rabbit.

Just what I always wanted.

I will name him George.

And I will hug him
and squeeze him

and pet him
and pat him and--

Hey.

Hey, what do you know?
He melted.

He really was a snowman.

Abominable, that is.

[ANNOUNCER READS
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Aahh! Eek!

Still bothered by monsters?

Don't despair.

Our company offers a fine line
of magic potions and unguents.

Guaranteed to rid the home
of your supernatural pests.

Oops, here they come.

[I7]

BUGS:
Hmm. Not bad.

[GROWLS]

So, folks, call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked,
goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd,
aliens alienated,

vampires evaporated,
and monsters remonstrated.

Daffy Duck, ace paranormalist,
at your service.

MAN:
Hello? Hello, Mr. Duck?

I wanna report an elephant
in my birdbath.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

I beg your pardon, sir.

You say there's an elephant
in your birdbath?

Uh-oh. An obvious nutcase.

So there's an elephant
in your birdbath.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, well,
how does he fit in it, sir?

Yeah. I see.

The elephant
in your birdbath

is only
5 and a quarter inches tall.

Definitely
non compos mentis.

Better summon the authorities.

No, no.
You wait right there, sir.

Somebody will be coming
to call on you very shortly.

Now,
what was that address again?

112 North Highland.

Yeah, that's right.
Please, hurry.

[CHITTERING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Steady, now, lad.
Easy does it.

But I did. I did
see an elephant in my birdbath.

Sure, sure, I know.

I keep a giraffe in mine.

[I7]

[SCREAMS]

[I7]

[BANG]

[I7]

[TRUMPETS]

You're late.

He always used to be pink.

And Mother used to scold me
when I was only 3.

She'd say,
"Dolores, you're not seeing

little lavender men
in the sugar bowl."

But I did, doctor.

And then, when I went
to nursery school,

my teacher,
Mrs. Swanson--

She was a synthetic blond.

Well, Mrs. Swanson
used to spank me,

spank me hard,
even with--

I think it all began

when Father refused to
take me to the circus.

I was a fragile child of 6.

[I7]

Say, this teensy-elephant thing
has spread like wildfire.

Right up my alley.

A golden opportunity
togoon TV

and placate the citizenry.

It can't fail.

I'll soothe
their troubled brows

and be showered with goodies
by a grateful populace.

Good evening,
I'm Zed Toppel,

and this is Frightline.

Tonight,
the miniature elephant.

Is it real,
or is it merely a figment

of our overactive imaginations?

A product
of our troubled times.

Our guest is the noted
metaphysician, Mr. Daffy Duck,

who may be able
to shed some light

on this otherwise dark corner

of our national obsession
with--

Uh, yeah, sure.
Thank you, Zed.

Folks, this so-called
miniature elephant

couldn't possibly exist.

Now, I can accept
something plausible.

Ghosts? Okay.
Vampires? Fine.

But itsy-bitsy elephants?
That's silly.

[ZED LAUGHING]

That's just stupid.
That's not even--

[TRUMPETS]

Yikes!

[LAUGHING]

The insult.
The ignominiousness.

Publicly disgraced
on a coast-to-coast hookup.

Wait a minute.
I can still get out of this.

It's that TV station.
I'll sue them.

It's their fault.

No, wait.
I was simply misinformed.

It's my advisor, that pig.
The perfect patsy.

Nobody will believe him.
He's a nincompoop.

Yeah, that's it.
It was his fault. Yeah.

Who's to know?
What the hay?

There's nothing wrong

with a little dishonesty
in business affairs.

What am I saying?

[I7]

I'm finished.

Strapped.
Kaput.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Ahal It's the door.
Opportunity knocks.

[CUBISH CHUCKLES]

Telegram for Mr. Daffy Duck.
Ha-ha-ha!

From the Cheapskate
Savings and Loan.

♪ We're sorry
But we must confess ♪

♪ Your rent's not paid
You're in a mess ♪

It's amazing.

♪ Vacate to a new address ♪

♪ You can't stay here ♪

♪ You're dispossessed ♪

♪ Good evening, friends ♪

It's unbelievable.

MAN:
Heads up, moving men.

But honest and truly,
the check's in the mail.

MAN:
Sorry, Mac.

[DOOR RATTLES]

Now what?

One thing's for sure.

I got nowhere else to go
but up.

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMS]

[I7]

Too bad. Too bad.

So much trouble
in the world today.

Hey, garcon.

How about another
carrot juice on the rocks?

Isn't this wonderful,
Sylvester?

Camping way out here
in the middle of nowhere.

So peaceful and quiet.

[COYOTE HOWLING]

PORKY:
Hey. What--?

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

Relinquish me, you foul,
gibbering feline, you.

That's just a little old
scraggily coyote

baying at the moon.

You yellow dog
of a cowardly cat, you.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[I7]

DAFFY:
Come and get them, folks.

Come and get them
while they last.

Trick spiders,
plastic blobs,

ghost goop,
garlic wreathes

and other miscellaneous
supernatural knickknacks.

Well, how's about these
simply adorable windup dolls?

Just $1 apiece.

MAN:
Why, yes,
I'll take one of those.

You will?
Really?

Gee, thanks.

Cubish!

[I7]

[I7]

[I7]