Original subtitles

[man] One, two, a-one, two, three, and...

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Chico, don't be Discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can Lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see The morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know, Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes they will For Chico and the Man ♪

[coughing]

Too much water.

Good morning, Ed!

♪ I'm a living proof ♪

♪ that life is funny ♪

♪ What's trash to you, To me is money ♪

[laughs]

[coughing]

Hey, hey, hey. That's a bad cough you got there.

Did you catch cold?

No, no, I got a piece of bourbon stuck in my throat.

Hi, Louie.

Hi, Monica.

- How's everything? - Well, as we say in the garbage business,

it's picking up.

Mmm. I simply adore that perfume.

Thank you, Louie.

That's a nice compliment.

I wouldn't take Louie's compliments too seriously, you know.

He's been driving a garbage truck.

His nose died five years ago.

Well, it happens to be a very popular perfume with girls my age.

- Yeah? First time. - It's called 'First time'.

You know something, Monica.

I used to go out with a girl that used to use that.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Come to think of it, hers wasn't called 'First time',

hers was called 'Anytime'.

Well, here. Try some of this.

Oh no, no, no.

Will you stop spraying that stuff around?

The flies are beginning to hold hands.

Hi, everybody.

What's that smell?

I hope it isn't something we're having for dinner.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I gotta go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where you going?

I got an appointment with a big TV director today, and I have a feeling

today's gonna be my lucky day.

Yeah. Well, let's hope it isn't his lucky day.

Yeah. Listen, I'd better give you some money for the bus here.

No, no, that's okay.

I'm just gonna hitch a ride, okay?

No, Monica, I don't want you hitchhiking.

Why not?

Hitchhiking is a great way to meet people.

Now, what would that big TV director say if you hitchhiked?

I think it would be much better if Louie would take you

over there in his garbage truck.

Yeah. Louie has to go to the studio anyhow.

He has to pick up the Gong Show this week.

That's really sweet of you, Louie,

but I'm gonna get my own ride.

Yeah. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That could be dangerous.

And I know what I'm talking about.

You know, when I was a kid, I was standing in the middle of the road thumbing a ride,

and I got hurt.

What happened?

Did you get run over by a covered wagon?

[both laughing]

I'm just kidding.

- You know I love you. - Yeah.

Don't be surprised if, by this time tomorrow,

my picture is in every newspaper in town.

Hollywood, here I come.

Remember, no hitchhiking.

Don't let a stranger pick you up and watch out crossing the street.

Well, one good thing about having children.

They drive you to drink.

[in Spanish] I think Monica is right.

You worry too much, Uncle Ed.

Yeah, Raul's right.

You worry too much.

People these days are afraid to stop and pick up hitchhikers.

She ain't gonna never get no ride.

[tires screech in distance]

[man] Hi, baby, want a lift?

Let's go.

[engine accelerating]

She got a ride.

Hey, this is not bad considering it's the first meal I ever cooked.

Hey, if you wanna, I'll cook some tomorrow night too.

Okay.

But can we have something else besides peanut butter and jelly tacos?

Hey, she's getting on nine o'clock.

I'm beginning to worry about Monica.

I hope she got into a big director's office.

I'm not worried about her getting in.

I'm worried about her getting out.

[motorcycles approaching]

What's the matter with you guys?

Are you trying to wreck my garage?

What's going on here?

Well, listen, you guys, if you're looking to invade Poland,

it's 9,000 miles that way.

Hey, pops, don't get your pistons hot.

I mean, that ain't my fault.

- I got no brakes. - No brakes?

How do you drive around?

What do I need with brakes?

I got that bike to go, not stop.

[all] Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Hey, Monica, who are these people?

These are some friends of mine.

They just picked me up.

I was hitchhiking.

This is Digger,

Hog, and Claw.

Guys, say hello to my uncle Ed.

[bikers] Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Hey, I didn't know King Kong had a family.

Yeah, aren't they terrific?

Yeah. You get upstairs.

Come on. You too. Upstairs.

- I want you out of here, right away. - Why? Why can't I stay?

Come on. Now, gentlemen.

I don't want to detain you.

I'm sure you're on your way to someplace that's very important.

Like, San Quentin, I hope.

Hey, Hey.

He's a funny man, ain't he, Hog?

Yeah, we like funny man.

Hey, funny man.

Ain't you got something for us to drink?

Sure, water.

Oh man, not just water.

We want something that goes with it.

How about a bar of soap?

Hey, you are definitely being inhospitable.

I mean, when you have guests like us, don't you usually open something up?

Sure, a window.

Now, listen.

- Pops. - Don't call me Pops.

I never met your mother.

Neither did he.

[laughs]

[Digger straining]

I got the feeling he doesn't like us.

Yeah.

What do you got against us, old man?

Well, for one thing, look at the way you're dressed.

What's the matter with the way we're dressed?

Your clothes look like they came out of a hefty bag.

And look at his feet.

Are you making fun of my friend

because he lost a boot?

I didn't lose a boot, Digger, I found one.

Hey, guys, he doesn't like the way we're dressed here.

- What would you like to see us in? - A cage.

Now, listen, you guys, I want you out of here right away.

And don't drag your knuckles across the floor while you're leaving.

Hey, what's the matter with you guys?

Why are you hanging around here?

Don't you have a job or something to go to?

What do we need with the job?

Well, how do you make a living?

How do you get your money?

Hog's mother is on welfare.

We take turns stealing her check.

Vroom, vroom, vroom...

We've got some news for you, old man.

We ain't going nowhere.

We're staying right here.

- This is perfect. - Is that so?

Yeah.

- Free gas. - Free tools.

Pretty girl upstairs.

Yeah?

You better get out of here because I'm gonna call the cops.

Call the cops?

Hey, calling the cops is definitely uncool.

I mean, Uncle Ed. Do you know what's gonna happen if you blow the whistle on us?

No, what's going to happen?

Eighty bikers will be down here and do wheelies on your face.

Why you...

Give me that.

[grunting]

Well, let that be a lesson to you.

Ouch.

Vroom, vroom, vroom...

Now, look, old man.

- We don't want no trouble. - But we ain't afraid of nothing'.

We don't want no trouble.

But Chongo does.

Chongo loves trouble.

Yeah? Who's Chongo?

Chongo is our leader.

And we're staying until Chongo gets here.

[all] Chongo! Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Chongo! Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Chongo!

What happened to "Vroom, vroom, vroom"?

Should I ask them when they're leaving?

How many times do I have to tell you?

Never annoy the animals when they're eating.

Don't worry, when they're through,

I'll throw them out myself.

Well, don't lose your temper, Uncle Ed.

Hey, Hog, I never did like that song.

Change station.

Did you see that mean looking hook?

Yeah. It just goes to show you what will happen if you keep biting your nails.

Hey, this is good chicken.

- Where'd you get it, Hog? - At the restaurant,

- across the street. - Across the street?

That's no restaurant.

That's a private home.

No wonder the family put up such a fight.

Chicken's good, but greasy.

Yeah, me too.

Hello, folks. And how's everybody?

Ooo-ee, I got more trash than I usually have.

Well, what's that?

That's my claw.

It must come in handy if you have to scratch for poison ivy.

Now walk over there and sit down.

I will not.

- You won't? - No.

I'll run over there and sit down.

Who are those guys?

They're a motorcycle gang.

They're waiting for Chongo.

Who's Chongo?

Chongo is their leader.

Well, maybe Chongo won't bother us if we give him a couple of bananas to eat.

Try to play with it.

[Ed] Yeah.

Oh, Uncle Ed, this is all my fault.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you told me not to hitchhike.

Aw, it's all right, honey. Don't worry about a thing.

As long as I'm around, nothing's gonna happen to you.

Well, what about me, Uncle Ed?

[motorcycle approaching]

It's Chongo.

It's a girl!

Give me a cigarette, will you?

Thanks.

- I'm thirsty. - Over there.

Miss. Excuse me, miss, but that that thing's out of order.

[snarls]

- Ha! - [drink clatters]

How did she do that?

Help me off with my jacket.

[grunts]

I haven't slept since Tuesday.

Wake me in four minutes.

Anything you say, Chongo.

I thought they were gonna leave when Chongo got here.

Not so loud. You'll wake her up.

- What are we gonna do now, Ed? - I don't know.

Give me a chance to think here.

- Thank fast! - I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Hey, I got it.

Monica, Raul and I will engage them in conversation.

And while we're talking, you sneak around to the phone and call the cops.

Hey, that's a good idea.

[Digger] Yes?

I'm just going there to use the phone.

[grunts]

Now what we're gonna do?

Well, it looks like the phone idea is dead.

I wish you wouldn't use that word, "dead."

How else can we send for help?

Well, I don't know. Maybe I ought to take an ad in the Yellow Pages.

- No, I got an idea. - Yeah?

I saw a movie last night, one of them old movies,

where these escaped convicts was in this hero's house holed-in.

So while they were there, the hero lit a fire in the wastebasket.

And while they were trying to put the fire out in the wastebasket,

- the hero dashed to the door. - And he got away?

- No, he got killed. - Oh.

Well, outside of that, it was a pretty good plan.

Louie, have you ever thought of committing yourself

to the Home for the Incurably Stupid?

Wait a minute.

I got a better idea.

- What is it? - Tell you what.

You fake having an attack of some kind.

Get out there in the middle, while they're looking and watching you,

I'll make a break for it.

Hey, that's a heck of an idea.

Okay, go ahead.

Why does it always have to be me?

Come on.

[cheering]

What the hell were you doing?

Doing what you told me to do.

- Have an attack. - No, you weren't.

You were dancing.

- I was? - Yeah.

I got more rhythm than I thought I had.

Wake up, Chongo.

What are we gonna do?

Yeah. What are we gonna do?

Wait a minute, I know what we're gonna do.

- What? - I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

Nothing.

- Nothing? - Nothing.

That's right.

See, because these characters are dangerous.

And I don't want anybody fooling around with him

because somebody's liable to get hurt.

Good thinking. Good thinking.

Sit down.

Keep calm, cool and collected.

And don't upset them, and everything will work out okay.

- All right? - All right.

Okay.

- Hey, you. - Who, me?

Yeah, you. Get me something to eat.

Stick it in your ear!

Well, there goes Plan B.

Don't get excited, Miss Chongo.

I'll get you something to eat.

Hold it!

I say she gets it.

I say stick it in your other ear.

Excuse you, sister.

I guess you don't know who I am.

I don't even know what you are.

Hey, old man.

Your next of kin.

Where do you want us to send the body?

Now you listen to me.

I've been sitting there for two hours watching you push a lot of people around.

Well, this is my family, see.

You lay one finger on 'em and I'll wipe up the entire joint with you.

Got it?

Hey, you guys, what do you think of that?

That's what I've been trying to teach you jerks.

You just saw an example of something that our gang needs. Loyalty.

I like that.

And I like you, too.

I wanna tell you something.

Nobody's gonna hurt your family as long as I'm around.

Well, then I think we're gonna get along.

All right.

And just to show you we're friends,

I'm gonna give you my jacket.

Hey, I don't like what's going on around here.

What's the matter with Chongo?

I never saw her act like this before.

I'll tell you what's wrong with her.

She's gone soft.

Hey. Well, we haven't really met yet.

- My name is Monica. - Monica.

- And this is my friend Louie. - Hey, Louie.

This is my adopted brother, Raul.

And this is my adopted uncle, Ed Brown.

Wait a minute.

- Ed Brown? - [Ed] Ed Brown.

That name sounds familiar.

You from Philadelphia?

Yeah, I'm from Philadelphia.

Did you own a garage at 1659 Riverside Drive?

Yeah.

Did a little 11-year-old girl come in there?

And you taught her all you know about motors?

Yeah, sure, sure.

I remember her very well.

Her name was Lavinia Pemberton.

Uncle Ed!

Yes!

You're Lavinia Pemberton?

Yeah.

[all] Lavinia Pemberton?

Yuck.

- Oh, Uncle Ed. - Oh.

Lavinia, how you've grown!

Hey, Miss Chongo, can I have one of your jackets?

Sure.

There you go.

Oh, Lavinia, you really have grown.

Hey, Chongo, me and Digger and Hog,

we've been watching what's going on here, and we don't like what we see.

Well, I like what I see.

We figured you're going soft.

We don't follow nobody who goes soft.

- So, we took a little vote and you're out. - And I'm in.

And that's fine with me.

Now, blow!

Yeah, we'll blow. But before we do...

[laughs maliciously]

we're gonna take this garage apart

brick by brick.

[growls]

All right. Wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna say goodbye?

Yeah, sure, Chong--

[screams]

[grunts]

Now, wait a minute.

What do you think you're doing?

[indistinct chatter]

Now, let that be a lesson to you.

[Chongo] Raul.

Here you are, Miss Chongo.

Thanks.

Well, I guess, I better get rolling.

I hope I can find my way out of town at night.

Well, just follow the yellow brick road.

Thank you.

It is getting pretty late.

Wait a minute.

Uncle Ed, could Chongo spend the night with us?

Oh, here we go again.

First he shows up, then you.

And now she's invited.

- She is? - Thanks, Uncle Ed.

No, no, I--

See, I told you, aunt Chongo, once you know how to handle him,

he's a pussycat.

Margaret, would you explain something to me?

How come all these people keep moving in here?

And why is it that I'm going broke

doing the same thing that made Howard Johnson rich?

[announcer] Chico and the Man is recorded live before

a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something To eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ All right ♪