Original subtitles

♪ One, two One, two, three and ♪

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

Hi, sugar.

Good morning, Aunt Della!

Whatcha doing?

Fixing a balanced breakfast.

"Super Socko Crunchies,

the breakfast food with complete nutrition."

Morning, Uncle Ed. Breakfast is ready.

Forget about that stuff.

I want the breakfast of champions.

Where's my bourbon?

- Bourbon? - Yeah.

Don't you think it's a little early

for you to start drinking that stuff?

They way I feel, I'm hoping it's not too late.

[groans]

You don't look like you need it.

You're already walking hungover.

That's why I need it. This thing is killing me.

Uncle Ed, what's the matter?

You look like you got your body on crooked.

Yeah, well, the trouble is I got a kidney stone.

What's a kidney stone?

It's something that gets stuck where it doesn't belong

but you have to try to live with it anyway.

- Sounds a lot like me. - [Ed] Yeah.

No, this is a pain over here. You're a pain somewhere else.

Listen, Ed, you know,

maybe it's time you got rid of that stone.

No, no, no, it's not that serious.

It only happens about once a year.

Uncle Ed, what you need is an old-fashioned Mexican remedy

for aches and pains.

You got tequila? I'll take it.

- Not tequila, menudo. - What's menudo?

Don't ask me.

You'll love it. It has hot red chili peppers,

yellow chili peppers,

green chili peppers,

and hot salsa.

Look, I just want to get rid of the pain.

I don't want the stone to become radioactive.

- I'll go get you some menudo. - Okay.

I'll tell the fire department to stand by.

- Hi! How you doing, baby? - Hi! Hi, Ed!

Hey, where is Raul and Della going in such a hurry?

Well, you see, my kidney stone is acting up

and they went out to get something to burn it out with.

- I see. - Your garbage can is in the corner there.

I'm not here to talk about no garbage, Ed.

- I got something I wanna show here. - Yeah, let's see it.

What do you say to that?

I say your garbage can is in the corner.

Ed, do you know what this is?

Well, it looks like a barbecued spare rib.

What are you talking about, Ed? This ain't no ordinary rib.

This happens to be a scientific miracle.

Yeah, don't tell me. It came from a bionic pig.

No, Ed, this rib was cooked by a new process

called solar power.

You don't say.

The government just put up a new pipeline to the sun?

No, it's a new kind of barbecue.

It's cooked by the heat from the sun.

- That's wonderful. - Now, ain't that a great idea?

Well, I must say, it has possibilities.

You better believe it!

- You wanna know something? - What?

It was invented by a very close friend of mine.

Oh, there go the possibilities.

Look, Ed, you know him!

- Who's that? - Elmo Jackson!

- Elmo Jackson? - Yeah!

Isn't that the guy who invented platform socks?

Okay, so he had a few crazy ideas.

- He surely did. - This time, it's different.

- Yeah? - Yeah. And I'm getting in on the ground floor.

Yeah? What have you got to do with this?

Well, you see, Jackson's gonna let me invest in it.

- He is? - Oh, yeah. Now, I know a lot of big people,

money people trying to get in on this thing.

And he's saving one last place for me.

- He is, huh? - That's right. And now look at this.

- What? What is that? - This is the financial report.

The accountant says with my investment,

I could make at least $300,000.

$300,000-- 300... 300,000?

- You can't even say it. - You can say that again.

Listen, Louie, you gotta find some way to let me in on this.

Oh, no way. I told you I got the last share.

Yeah, I know you told me.

But there must be some way I can get into this.

Louie, I got a great idea.

Why don't you sit down and relax here for a minute?

I gotta tell you this.

You see, I've saved up a little money.

- And I think that maybe-- - [laughing]

What are you laughing at?

Little money.

Eddie, look. This ain't no penny ante operation.

This is a big investment.

[mumbling] Investment, yeah.

Well, how much did you put into it?

$2,500.

$2,500? Where do you get that kind of money?

Well, my whole life savings

and I borrowed the rest from the bank.

Yeah? How much did you borrow?

$2,400.

$2,400 and you put in...

Louie, do me a favor.

Don't go to the bank.

Let me give you the $2,400. Then we'll be partners.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Then I'd have to split the profit.

Yeah, but, Louie, you see I'm not doing this for myself.

I'm doing it for Chico.

I want him to have all the things I never had.

Oh, that narrows it down, to scarlet fever

and a high school diploma.

No, wait. You must remember, I'm your pal.

Am I not your friend?

When you went out on strike,

who went to the city dump and picketed for you?

- You. - Yeah.

And when you were all alone on your birthday,

all alone there,

who came running over in the dead of winter

to help you blow out the candle on your cheeseburger?

- You. - Yeah.

And when you needed money, flat broke,

who gave you his last $20?

It wasn't you.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Well, Ed, I'm really selfish

and I really feel ashamed of myself.

- You know what I'm gonna do? - What?

I'm gonna cut you in on the deal.

You are? Louie, you're a real pal.

You're-- that's wonderful.

But let me tell you something though,

you gotta have that $2,400 by Wednesday.

- Well, I'll have it, Louie. I'll have it! - Okay.

- Then, we'll split the profits. - Yeah.

- Fifty-fifty. - Fifty-fifty, I...

Louie, you're a real friend. You're a real pal.

You're... You're a real crook!

Fifty-fifty? I'm putting in 2,400,

you're only putting in 100,

and you want to split fifty-fifty?

Okay, Ed. I can go to the bank and get the money.

Wait a minute, Louie.

I always say, if your friends can't cheat you, who can?

- Right? - Right.

This may be the greatest day in my life.

- Right. - It's a deal, right?

It's a deal.

- Partners! - Partners!

- Yeah. So long. - So long, partner!

Or so should I say financial associate?

You can say anything you want.

$2,400.

2,400...

Where am I gonna get $2,400?

What can I sell?

What can I hock?

Nothing but bills over here.

Let's see. Gas bill,

electric bill, insurance bill...

Insurance bill.

There it is. Life insurance.

[clicks tongue] Fire insurance.

Medical insurance.

Automobile insurance.

Medical insurance.

Medical insurance.

Two?

[laughs cunningly]

No, I can't wait till tomorrow. I have to see the doctor today.

Yes, yes, I know it's Wednesday.

So can't he tee off an hour later?

What's the matter?

I-- Oh.

Yes, it's an emergency!

I-- Oh, good. Good.

Two o'clock tomorrow. Fine, thank you.

At last, I'm on my way.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the hospital for an operation.

I don't understand, Uncle Ed.

Why do you wanna have this operation

when nothing's wrong with you?

Who says there's nothing wrong with me?

I'm suffering from a condition known as

acute financial embarrassment.

- Financial embarrassment? - Yeah.

What does that mean?

It means I don't have money. I'm broke.

[speaks Spanish]

So, what? Lots of people don't have no money.

- Yeah. - It's not so terrible, is it?

Well, nobody ever died from it, if that's what you mean.

Yeah, but I'm afraid you might be the first.

Listen, kid, I'll try to explain all this to you again.

See, I've got two medical insurance policies.

And they both pay for the same operation.

Now, one of these is for surgery.

And the second will enable us to buy into Louie's deal, see?

So, we can all retire

and get rich and live happily ever after.

But I'm living happily ever after now.

And I couldn't do that if anything happened to you.

Listen, kid, you don't seem to realize I'm doing this for you.

I want you to have a good education.

I want you to go to college and be brilliant.

I don't want to be brilliant.

I wanna be like you.

You wanna wind up owning a garage like this?

Does it has to be like this?

Why am I arguing with you?

You're 12 years old and you're still wet behind the ears.

I may be 12 years old and wet behind my ears,

but I know enough not to have an operation if I'm not sick.

Don't give me any aggravation, will you?

I'm a dangerously well man.

- Uncle Ed. - What?

Please don't have this operation.

There are worse things than being poor.

What could be worse than being poor?

Being lonely.

Hello, Mr. Brown, how are you feeling today?

[groaning] The pain!

[groaning]

- That was a very sudden attack. - Yes.

- Do you know what it is? - No.

But it feels expensive.

[groans] The pain.

Well, are you covered by medical insurance?

Yes. Let's see. Wait. Oh, here.

- Here are the papers. - Let me see these.

Mr. Brown, you have two policies here.

Really?

Yes, that means you can collect on both policies.

You don't say.

That's right. Good afternoon, Doctor.

Okay, Brown. What's your diagnosis this time?

- [groaning] - Beriberi?

Malaria?

Ring around the collar?

[groaning]

What does it feel like to you?

- First, I get this terrible pain. - Mm-hmm.

- And then I get this terrible ache. - Yeah.

- And then it gets terribly hot. - Yeah.

And then it gets terribly cold.

And then it just moves from side to side.

Sounds to me like you're pregnant.

All right, what kind of a pain is it?

A shooting pain?

Yeah, just ricochet off my hip.

Okay, could be worse.

Could be worse?

How could it be worse?

- It could be happening to me. - I wasn't...

Come on, Doc, hurry up and make the hospital arrangements.

All right. Right, right.

Few days in the hospital for some therapy

should straighten you.

Good. How much will that cost?

$400, $500.

$400, $500? That's not enough.

I want to get rid of this pain once and for all.

Look, Brown, why don't we wait a little longer,

six months, maybe a year.

A year? I could be dead in a year.

Well, so?

I want to get rid of this pain while I can still enjoy it.

[exhales] Well, surgery would solve the problem permanently.

But I'm warning you, Brown,

there's always risk and it will be very expensive.

Forget the expense, save my life, Doc!

Well, if that's what you want,

I'll check you into Wilshire Memorial.

That should cost you about $1,000.

$1,000? I thought for an operation like this...

Where do they perform it? At a drive-up window?

Hang the expense!

Well, there's always Vandergeld Memorial,

but that's known as the Gold Coast of medicine.

What do they charge?

If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

I'll take it. Check me in.

All right, but don't go into shock when you get your bill.

It's bound to cost you at least $3,000.

$3,000?

- I hope that's not too much. - 3,000, too much?

No, Doctor. That's just about right.

How early in the morning can you perform this operation?

Well, I can have that kidney stone out

around eight o'clock, all right?

That's good.

As long as I can deposit it in the bank by 10:00.

- Uncle Ed? - Yeah?

I got the new sign for the garage.

What new sign?

"The late Ed Brown's Garage, Raul Garcia Propie..."

Why don't you write my obituary, you little vulture!

And wipe that next-of-kin smile off your face.

I'm sorry, Uncle Ed.

I was only trying to scare you.

Please don't have this operation.

What if something happens?

Nothing's gonna happen.

I'm coming out of this without a hitch.

They're gonna take out your hitch too?

That's just an expression.

Don't worry about a thing. Everything's gonna be fine.

- I'm not worried. - No?

But, Uncle Ed, I want you to know,

I'll be there when they wheel you out of the room.

And when I hear your first words,

I'll know that you're back to your old self again.

Why don't you shut up, you little pest.

Those are the words.

Get out.

Are you ready for bed, Mr. Brown?

Here, take these out and have them cleaned and pressed.

You want these cleaned and pressed?

That's right.

Why don't I just take them out

and give them a Christian burial?

- Why don't I... - All right, Mr. Bown,

get in the bed.

Do I have to?

Sometimes I stay up as late

as two or three o'clock in the afternoon.

Get in the bed.

Yes, sir!

All right.

- Now, then... - Yes.

The doctor wants you to take these pills

and don't get out of bed.

Are you kidding? All these pills?

If I take all these pills, I'll roll out of the bed.

I'll be back in a little while

to prepare you for your operation.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, nurse? - Yes?

By the way, if you're not doing anything tonight,

I wouldn't be surprised.

[grunting]

Could we see Mr. Brown, please?

Why, yes, he's right over there

in the intensive grouch ward.

- Ed? - [screaming]

It's you.

I thought you weren't coming till after the operation.

Well, what I had to say just couldn't wait.

Anybody who has an operation

when he doesn't need an operation is stupid.

Yeah, there's nothing stupid about $300,000.

After this operation, I'll have the whole world at my feet.

It can also put six feet of the world

right on top of your face!

[scoffing]

It's okay, Aunt Della.

Uncle Ed said there was nothing to worry about.

Well, you listen to me, Raul.

Anytime you're lying on a table

and a man with a mask comes after you with a knife,

you got something to worry about.

Nonsense, there's nothing wrong with this operation

and there's nothing to worry about.

Well, I don't know. That's what my Uncle Bert said

when he went and have his tonsils taken out

and he messed around and went in the wrong operating room.

What happened to him?

I don't know but my Uncle Bert is now my Aunt Bertha.

Well, I don't know. You're just trying to panic me.

But I'm not gonna stand for it, so knock it off.

I don't want to hear any more about this operation.

Ed, I can't let you go through with that operation.

That's enough. I've heard everything now.

I don't wanna hear any more!

- No! - I'm getting under the covers

and I don't want anybody to follow me.

Ed, but if anything happens to you, I'll be responsible.

Uncle Ed, there's still time to change your mind.

Change my mind? I'm not gonna change my mind.

You people are making a mountain out of a kidney stone.

Now get out of here, everybody! Come on.

We're going!

[mumbles] Crazy people.

[exhales]

That's it, Margaret. They don't know what they're talking about,

so there's nothing to worry about.

They do this operation here 100 times a day.

I'll be fine.

Won't I?

You will. You will.

Margaret, is that you? Your voice is changing.

It's not Margaret. It's Berkowitz.

Berkowitz? Who's Berkowitz? Where?

Where?

Here, behind the screen.

Behind the screen.

Hello!

Hello.

Have you been here all this time?

No, originally I'm from Long Island.

I hope you'll pardon me for listening in,

but I want you to know, your relatives are wrong.

- Yeah? - Once you're in this hospital,

you don't have a thing to worry about.

Well, you should know.

You got more plaster on you than a stucco house.

- I nearly died. - I don't want to hear it.

But this hospital saved me.

This I wanna hear.

What was wrong with you?

Nothing, really. I came in for a blood test.

But who could know the needle was dirty?

The needle was dirty?

When are you gonna tell me what a wonderful hospital this is?

Yeah, I was coming to that.

- You see this leg? - Yes.

They had this cast on it

not ten minutes after the elevator crashed.

The elevator crashed?

All I know is I got a "flocky."

A "flocky"? What's a "flocky"?

I got off lucky to be in this wonderful hospital.

Oh, I see.

You can't beat the nurses here.

I'd like to try. I can tell you that.

Except maybe for the one that went crazy

in the operating room.

Went crazy in the operating room?

It wasn't her fault.

One of the surgeons jilted her

and when she found out, she dropped all the sponges

and walked out in the middle of a dry-cleaner from--

[coughing] Fresno.

Are you all right? You got a terrible cough there.

- It's nothing. - Nothing.

Just a touch of pneumonia.

Pneumonia?

I got it from breathing the fumes

when they hooked up the air-conditioning

to the incinerator.

They pumped me full of penicillin.

- Well, that helped, didn't it? - Nearly killed me.

The doctor forgot I was allergic to that stuff.

- But it's understandable. - Yeah.

He's got an awful lot on his mind.

Hey, wait. Who is this doctor?

Well, I don't know his name.

But around here, everybody calls him

- Dr. Carnation. - Dr. Carnation?

Why do they call him Dr. Carnation?

- Brown. - Yeah.

You ready for surgery?

I was listening to the story about the cra...

[screaming]

Let me out of here!

- I'm gonna give you sedative. - No more operation!

- You'll be okay. Just relax. - There's dirty needles!

- Wait a second. - He wants out of it!

- What you doing to him? - I don't want the operation.

I'm bowing out of this whole thing.

I don't want this, with the elevator falling down

- and crashing-- - Wait a second. Wait a second.

What are you talking about? Elevator crashing?

Has he been...

Berkowitz, you did it again, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Mr. Berkowitz has a habit of making up stories

to scare the other patients.

Well, that's terrible!

How could you do a thing like that?

I like a private room.

- [all clamoring] - Wait a minute, hold it.

[screaming]

What's wrong, Uncle Ed?

It's his kidney stone. We better get him to surgery right away.

Kidney stone nothing, Doc. He's just faking it.

He wants this operation for that insurance money.

I don't care why he wants it.

I've seen his X-rays and he needs this operation.

- He does? - Yes!

- Nurse! - Yes, Doctor!

You still wanna go through with this, don't you, Brown?

Yes, of course I do.

Come on, get behind here and let's get rolling here.

But take it easy because we don't have any seatbelts.

Get it out of here!

[Ed groaning]

Hmm.

Well, I guess there's nothing for us to do, sugar,

except wait.

Please bring Uncle Ed back safe and sound.

And if you do, I promise to eat my spinach.

Raul, you love spinach.

Yeah, but maybe He doesn't know.

Sugar, don't worry. Ed's gonna be all right.

Yeah, he's probably laying back there on the table,

nice and comfortable

drifting off to dreamland, nice and peaceful.

[Ed screaming]

All my dreams, all my hopes.

All those pills, all that water.

I just passed the kidney stone!

- [groaning in pain] - You mean...

Yeah. Just flushed away a million dollar.

Well, here we are at home again.

I must say, the place looks just the same.

You must have dusted the dirt every day.

I wanted everything to be just right

when you came back from the hospital.

I know how bad you feel about losing a fortune.

Yeah.

One moment, you're almost a millionaire,

the next moment, you're broke.

Yeah.

In every silver lining, there's a cloud.

Hi, Ed. Hi, Raul.

This is one beautiful moment.

What are you so cheerful about?

Wait a minute. You didn't get the $2,400 someplace else, did you?

No, Ed. The bank turned me down.

That's why I'm so happy.

You know something, we could've lost that whole investment.

Because that barbecue had one little flaw in it.

What flaw, Uncle Louie?

Hold this, kid.

Now the results of the demonstration, Ed.

Ain't that the worst thing you ever saw?

What are you talking about? That's perfect!

Look at the color.

Even smells good.

It's absolutely perfect.

That's a wonderful-looking little chicken.

That's the flaw, Ed.

This ain't no chicken.

This is a 22-pound turkey.

[Ed] Chico and the Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪