Original subtitles

[man] One, two, one two, three, and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

Hey, Monica doesn't drink and neither does Raul.

We must have an alcoholic mouse.

[groans softly]

Peter, Peter, Peter.

Monica?

Yes, darling.

You'll never guess what I'm dressed up for.

The Gong Show.

- No, Uncle Ed. I'm imitating Bette Davis. - Oh.

I'm auditioning for a part today,

and they're looking for a sophisticated,

passionate and wealthy woman.

Yeah. Well, so am I.

Hey, Uncle Ed, do you think they'll let me in that picture?

Frankly, I don't think the driver will even let you on a bus.

Oh, Peter, Peter, Pete--

Hey, I've been looking all over for this.

- It's my false eyelash. - Is that what it is?

I've been trying to kill it with a rolled up newspaper.

Well...

I must be off.

Well, you certainly must be, if you're going out in public like that.

Oh, Peter, Peter, Peter.

[horn honking]

[vehicle approaching]

[loud honking]

Well, we know your horn is working fine.

You wanna try the lights?

You sell gas, don't you?

I know you get a lot of that sooner or later.

Well, what do you want? Regular or supreme?

Leaded or unleaded? Or high octane or low octane?

[stuttering] What difference does it make?

You've only got one pump.

Yeah, but I've got three different prices.

I can do without your smart remarks.

I'm glad to hear that.

A little bit tight here. What's cheap?

Off-hand, I'd say it's that dress you're wearing.

Well, I never.

Not even once in a while?

- Just fill it up. - Okay, okay.

- What's taking you so long? - [metal tinkling]

Well, I sometimes have a little trouble with these older models.

And this happens to be a brand-new car.

I wasn't talking about the car.

[sighs wearily]

That's him.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes. Yes, I'm sure.

Yes. Yes, that's him. That's the peeping Tom.

Harriett, how can you be so positive?

It was dark. You said there was no light on.

Well, except for the gleam in his eye.

You could have read Playboy by it.

Well, young man, as long as you're just standing around,

why don't you check the air in the tires?

Okay, how many pounds do you want?

- It's 28. - 28?

Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight.

Harriet, don't you think

he's too old to be a peeping Tom?

I think he's too old to be anything else.

Well, it seems as though he doesn't recognize your face.

Well, that isn't where he was looking.

Aren't you gonna check under the hood?

No. If I found something wrong here,

I'd be stuck with you for the rest of the afternoon.

Harriet...

[stuttering] Are you sure that you couldn't be mistaken?

No, I could not be mistaken.

I could never forget that evil face.

That cruel, twisted mouth,

that cruel, twisted nose,

that cruel, twisted forehead.

Honey, you can't see his forehead. He's wearing a hat.

Yes, and it's a cruel, twisted hat.

That'd be $9.90.

Oh, do you have change for a $10 bill?

Well, I'll look at my safe.

- Good afternoon! - [gasps] Oh!

That's him.

That Ed Brown is a peeping Tom.

I have half a mind to call the police.

Without proof?

Oh. Well, then why don't you do something about it?

[stuttering] Well, what do you expect me to do?

If you were any kind of a man,

you'd walk into that room and thrash him.

- I would? - Yes, you would.

- Well... - So, go do it.

Well, wait.

Wait a minute, hon, can't we talk this over?

I mean, uh, just suppose that I do walk in there

and knock him down and his head hits the concrete.

And he dies from a concussion.

And but, uh, I go to jail,

- charged with first-degree murder... - [sighs]

...and end up in the electric chair.

Well, it isn't as if I ask you to do it for me every day.

Now...

There's your change. Ten cents.

You keep it.

You will need it to call your lawyer.

[engine starts]

Raul, we gotta do something about that door.

What's wrong with the door?

Every time somebody comes through it, they go crazy.

I'm having fun today!

♪ It's your old friend, Louie Who spends his time alone ♪

♪ When your business is garbage ♪

♪ You don't smell like Eau De Cologne ♪

Know what I mean? Every time somebody comes through that door, they go crazy.

- Uh, say, Ed. - Yeah?

Do you remember what a great day

November 4th was, 1977?

November 4th, 1977, was a great day?

What made it so great?

That was the last time you paid my bill.

Of course, now, I'm not complaining.

It probably just slipped your mind.

Louie, I would no more forget to pay your bill

than I would forget to go bowling on Wednesday night.

You ball on Tuesday.

I do?

How did I do last Tuesday?

- You forgot to go. - Oh.

Well, I'm going down to the bank,

and I'll, uh, bring your money

as soon as I can get it out of the bank.

Uh...

your dad doesn't seem to be himself.

Has he been acting strange lately?

No.

Uncle Louie, what's a peeping Tom?

Oh, that's someone who looks at some people

without their clothes on.

Oh, you mean like a doctor?

Well, a peeping Tom is something like the doctor

because they both wanna

look you over and see what you got.

Why would they wanna do that?

Well, Raul, it's like this.

Now, there are some people who ain't like other people.

Because if they were, they wouldn't be like they are.

But would be more like somebody else,

except if they were the same.

You don't know either.

What are you asking a question like that for?

Uncle Ed's a peeping Tom.

A peeping Tom?

Uncle Ed's a peeping Tom? [laughs]

He can't peel an orange without blushing.

Now, who told you something like that?

Some lady came in for gas today, and I heard her say it.

That's ridiculous for anyone to say anything like that

about your foster father.

Especially, at his age.

He's too pooped to peep.

Well, I hope you're right.

Because the lady said she was gonna call the police.

And I'm worried.

Oh, that woman don't know what she's talking about.

- Do you really think so? - Oh, I'm telling you.

She don't know what she's talking about.

Thanks, Uncle Louie.

I feel a lot better now that I told you.

Okay. Now, I want you to forget all this nonsense

and get on your skateboard and go out and play.

And be careful.

And don't worry about your Uncle Ed.

He's completely normal.

Is this, uh, St. William's Hospital?

Well, I'd like to talk to a psychiatrist.

Yeah. You know, one of those doctors who don't wash his hands.

Who am I talking to?

Oh, Dr. Wilson?

This is, Louie, your garbage man.

Yeah, Doc. [stuttering] I... I got a nut on my hand.

His name is Ed Brown.

Yeah, he's a peeping Tom.

Oh, no, he'd never go to a psychiatrist.

And I would consider it a personal favor

if you could come over here.

You will?

Oh, fine. Thank you, Doc.

Now, listen. Now, when you come over here,

don't let him know that you're a psychiatrist.

Just pretend that you're just another regular customer.

[vehicle approaching]

Okay, pal. What can I do for you?

You can tell me about your childhood.

I gotta get that door fixed.

Well, what do you want?

Regular, supreme or unleaded?

What made you ask that question?

Well, most people that come in here, come in here to buy gas.

Hmm. Is this something you've noticed recently,

or has this been going on for quite some time?

It's been going on for 17 years.

- Seventeen years? - Yeah.

And you've never discussed these habits with your doctor?

No, I tried to, um, but he was more interested

in having me turn my head and cough.

Tell me, do you have headaches?

No, but I'm getting one now.

- That's probably because you're not relaxed. - No?

- Is there someplace around here where you usually lie down? - Huh?

- Lie down? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, I usually lie down under a car.

Why do you lie down under a car?

Well, I used to lie down under a porch,

but too many cats came in to have kittens.

See, I don't remember seeing you around here before.

- Where do you come from? - The hospital.

Do they know you're missing?

- What? - Never mind.

Uh, would you like a drink?

- I never drink. - Oh. Mind if I have one?

- No, go right ahead. - Okay.

[groans softly]

Is that your favorite place to keep whiskey, inside the fish?

No. My favorite place to keep whiskey

- is inside of me. - Ah.

Sit down for a moment.

- I got a lot of work to do-- - Sit!

Now, I have some pictures here.

- I want you to see. - You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Put those things away. I don't go in for that kind of stuff.

- Brown, I'm a doctor. In fact, I'm a psychiatrist. - I see.

And I deal, specifically, in sex problems.

Lemme see those pictures.

What does this look like to you?

How can I tell? Somebody spilled ink all over it.

- That's the way it's supposed to be. - Oh.

Now, what does this make you think of?

It makes me think of two fried eggs cooked by a new bride.

This one.

Oh, that looks like an X-ray of my liver

with sunspots on it wearing a hat.

And this one.

Oh, that looks like two pygmies

trying to patch up a leaky water buffalo.

You don't see the woman in the picture?

- What woman? - "What woman?"

[whispering]

- No kidding. - Oh, yes.

- Lemme see. - Yeah, see?

- No. - Oh! Oh, just a minute.

- Okay, I see that now. - Good, good. Yeah.

You got any more of these?

Oh, yeah. I got lots more of them back at the office.

I see.

Tell me about your childhood.

- It was rotten. - Oh.

My mother and father always liked my brother better than me.

Then, we have to--

- Mr. Brown, my name's Dr. Wilson. - Yeah.

I'm Chief of Psychiatry at St. William's Hospital,

and, uh-- Oh, here are my credentials.

There, you see.

Hey, you really are a psychiatrist?

Yes. And I've been called here to examine you

because you've been accused of being a peeping Tom.

What? That's outrageous. That's ridiculous, sir.

I don't remember ever doing anything like that.

Ah. But you don't remember also not doing that, do you?

- Well, uh-- - That last question confusing to you?

Hmm. Yeah.

- Typical. - Hmm.

Now, tell me this.

- Do you find yourself forgetting things lately? - Yeah.

Do you find yourself, uh, little things, you know,

slipping back in your mind and do you find yourself

not knowing which day it is in the week and so forth?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's happened to me a number of times recently.

But I certainly would remember being a peeping Tom, wouldn't I?

No, not necessarily.

- You see, frequently, people do things they're ashamed of. - Yeah.

And in your case, you see what you've done

is avoid the feelings of guilt

by tucking these experiences way back in your subconscious.

How did I do that?

- Don't let it worry you. - What do you mean, "Don't let it worry me"?

You just told me I was a peeping Tom.

Yes, yes, yes. But we can work this out

in therapy in just a matter of months.

Unless the police grab me in a matter of days.

[Ed sighs]

Louie, lemme tell you the position

you put me in by calling that psychiatrist.

Do you realize that he could sign a piece of paper

committing me to a mental institution for the rest of my life?

And I have you to thank for this.

Hey, what are friends for?

It just could be a case of mistaken identity.

She just thought it was you.

- It could have been any ugly guy. - I would--

Well, maybe you're right.

Hey, maybe I oughta go over and have a talk with her.

Ed, haven't you done enough for that poor woman?

That's psychiatrist--

That psychiatrist said I was a peeping Tom.

Oh, look, maybe you ought to... get a second opinion.

Uh... I got one.

I don't wanna hear it.

I think you ought to be locked up.

You're a big help, Louie.

[stuttering] Where are you going?

Well, I don't trust myself.

I'm a menace to society.

I'm going over the police station to give myself up.

No.

- I can't do that. - Why not?

'Cause in order to get to the police station,

I'd have to pass the YWCA.

- Ed, wait. I'll tell you what. - What?

- I'll go out and get you a cop. - Yeah?

Now, it may take a couple of hours because, you know,

a cop is never around when you want one.

You're right, Louie.

Wait a minute.

You don't have to leave the garage to find a cop.

I'll show you how to get one. Watch this.

Operator, I think my phone is out of order.

Would you call me back and see?

Uh, number is 555-9432.

Thank you very much.

[ringing]

Hello.

Oh, you wanna put $10 on Speedy Boy in the fifth at Santa Anita?

You got a bet.

[stuttering] How did he do that?

Excuse me, officer.

This gentleman here is Mr. Ed Brown.

Uh, the best friend I've got in the whole wide world.

And I'd like for you to arrest him.

What for?

I'm a peeping Tom.

- You're a peeping Tom? - That's right.

Okay. Who'd you peep at?

I don't know.

- You don't know? - No.

Well, I can't charge you with a crime unless we have a victim.

- Oh. - Yeah, Ed, that's right.

You see, he's got to know who's the peeper and who's the peepee.

When did this happen?

I don't know.

Well, where did it happen?

I don't know.

You don't know who the victim is?

You don't know where it happened?

- You don't know when it happened? - No.

Then how do I know you really did it?

Well, how else would I know all the details?

Look, buddy, I don't see any sign of a crime here.

As far as I'm concerned, you're innocent.

Louie, tell him he's wrong.

Tell him I'm a criminal.

Oh, don't look at me, Ed. You got yourself out of this.

Now get yourself back in.

- You mean you're not gonna arrest me? - That's right.

Louie, take down his badge number.

With cops like you refusing to do your duty,

no wonder we're not safe in the streets.

- [cop] Listen, buddy, lemme tell you... - A-ha! They got him.

What did I tell you, Ira? Now, do you believe me?

That is the man who was looking in my window.

I was looking in your window?

You certainly were.

Louie, instead of calling a psychiatrist,

you should have called an eye doctor.

Wait a minute, lady.

Are you the one who's been accusing this man of being a peeping Tom?

Yes, I am. I was in my unmentionables.

Oh, I have a feeling your unmentionables

were covering up your unlookables.

Officer, I demand you do your duty

and arrest this person.

Louie, if I was looking in her window,

I plead temporary insanity.

Look, now, let em' go ahead and have your arrested,

then you could take it to court

and charge it with falsely arrest.

Yeah, but... [speaking indistinctly]

I head what he said and...

[overlapping argument]

Quiet! Quiet! Will you just quiet down?

Everybody, quiet. Just please be quiet.

- Yeah. - All right, let's go downtown.

You... you mean you're gonna arrest me?

I have no choice. This lady just made a complaint.

- Come on, let's go. - No, wait a minute, officer.

This has gone far enough.

This man is innocent.

How do you know that?

Because I know who's guilty.

I... I know who's been looking in my wife's window.

Who?

[hesitantly] It was me. Oh.

Oh, Ira.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, Ira. What are you talking about?

Yeah, Ira. What are you talking about?

Well, let me explain.

You see, I... I had a talk with your psychiatrist.

[stuttering] And he was telling me what's been bothering you lately.

And, so, he said that you felt that

- you were losing your attractiveness... - [scoffs]

- ...and that you weren't desirable to men anymore. - Oh.

And, so, I just thought, you know,

it'd make you feel better if If you thought other men

were paying attention to you.

Oh, Ira, you took a terrible chance.

You could have fallen out of that tree and landed on your head.

- Well... - I think he did that before he got married.

Get out. Just get out! Out!

I realize it was a foolish thing to do...

but I guess you do foolish things

when you're in love.

Oh, Ira!

- Let's go home. - [laughs] Oh goodness.

Well, Uncle Ed, what do you think?

I think it's been a long day.

Now, tell me you're dressed up like this to audition for another part?

No, it's for the same part.

But they've decided they want a younger woman.

♪ On the good ship ♪

♪ Lollipop, it's a long trip ♪

♪ Into bed we hop and... ♪

Uncle Ed, what's going on?

I keep telling you, Raul,

we gotta do something about that door.

Everybody who goes through it goes crazy!

Well, Margaret, I guess you know what happened today.

I almost went to jail because a guy was peeping

at his own wife through her window.

It took me three hours to explain it to Raul

and four hours to explain it to Louie.

But, I guess, when you're in love, you do a lot of crazy things.

- Well... - Hey, hey, Ed, uh, what's wrong?

Uh...

there's something wrong with this fountain.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Lemme see here.

That's what's wrong with it.

[indistinct]

[Jack Albertson] Chico and the Man is recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All right ♪