Original subtitles

[man] One, two, a-one, two, three, and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be Discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can Lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see The morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know, Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes they will For Chico and the Man ♪

Put that away and roll one of those tires over here.

This one?

No, no. The white wall.

Oh. Here you are.

[Ed sighs]

Ah...

Bourbon tastes much better when it's got a little mileage on it.

- [shushes] Uncle Ed. - What?

Monica's still sleeping and you'll wake her up.

- Monica's still what? - Sleeping.

After 18 hours? That's not sleeping. That's hibernating.

Well, if Monica's gonna become a movie star,

she needs her sleep.

She says, "Our movie stars get at least ten hours of sleep in order to be beautiful."

Ah. Never helped Ernest Borgnine.

- Well, Monica was up very late last night playing her stereo. - Oh...

You're telling me! She was playing that stereo so loud,

we're getting complaints from Forest Lawn.

Oh. [mutters]

[Raul] What are you doing?

Monica's alarm clock is about to ring.

I want her to get up, get dressed and go out and get a job.

[rattling]

Well, I guess it didn't do any good.

How are we gonna get her up?

When you're dealing with actresses, the thing to use is psychology.

Hello, Operator.

I think my phone is out of order.

Would you ring after I hang up?

The number is 555-9342.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Who?

Warner Brothers?

Is that for me?

No, it's for Ernest Borgnine.

Hi, Monica.

Good morning.

Good morning? You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

sleeping till this hour.

I just don't like the mornings.

Besides, I seem to function best at night.

So did Dracula.

Oh, boy, could I go for a big breakfast

like, oh, some sausage, and eggs, and steak,

and waffles, pancakes, toast with some jelly.

And a cup of coffee.

Okay, go ahead and make it.

In that case, I'm just gonna have a cup of coffee.

Monica, you must be about the laziest person in the world.

No, no. I take that back.

I'm sure there are a lot of people

who manage to do a lot less than you do,

but they have a good excuse.

- Now what is that? - They're dead.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I want you to go out and find a job.

But, Uncle Ed, you know I'm trying to get a job in show business.

No, no, I'm talking about a regular job.

Uncle Ed, what kind of a job would Monica be good at?

Well, I think she'd make an excellent paperweight.

Seriously, Monica, I think it's very important

to have a job and save your money.

So when the time comes,

you'll be able to sit back, relax and do absolutely nothing.

But I'm doing that now.

Oh, my God...

Good morning.

♪ Some folks got brains ♪

♪ Some folks got loot ♪

♪ But what they say About Old Louie ♪

♪ There's no one That's cute ♪ [laughs]

Louie, I'm glad you came.

I-- You know, I've been trying to impress Monica

with the importance of having a job.

So why don't you tell her?

What, uh, 65-year-old people,

after a lifetime of hard work, wind up with.

- Irregularity? - [Ed mutters]

Actually, the main reason I haven't looked for a job yet is I'm just not qualified.

I can't type, but I can't take shorthand.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

Look at Louie. He can't type.

He can't take shorthand.

But he's become a big success

in his chosen profession... Garbage.

You might say that Louie right now is at the top of the heap.

Oh, thank you, Ed...

...I think.

Well, I want you to know, Uncle Ed,

I have been trying to find some work.

Well, come on, we'll help you.

Let's go over to the table

and look at the wanted ads.

[Ed] Oh...

Well, how about this one? "Opportunity for fast workers.

Deliver telephone directories to Los Angeles homes."

Oh, I think the problem here is "fast worker,"

because by the time Monica delivers the first phone book,

the white pages would have turned to yellow pages.

[laughs] Hey! Look here, here's an opening for a bartender.

A bartender! Louie...

Yeah. Your bartending is great.

You know, you could bring some bottles home at night,

and I could help you with your homework.

Look, I appreciate you all trying to help me,

but I don't think it's right for me to depend upon you all for a job.

- [Ed] You don't? - I'm a big girl now.

I'm healthy.

And I'm strong, and I got a lot of drive and ambition, too.

So...

I'm gonna go out there and hit the pavement

and knock on some doors, and I'm not coming back without a job.

[chuckles] Thank you.

But there is one thing I have to do first.

- What's that? - Take a nap.

I am bushed.

Aah...

Thanks, Ed. I needed that.

- Uncle Ed? Uncle Ed? - [Ed] Yeah. What is it?

Congratulate me.

I got a job.

Hey, that's terrific.

I knew you could do it.

Hey, that's sensational, Monica.

- Now give us the details. - Yeah.

Well, it pays $175 a week to start.

Oh, that's good.

Sundays and Mondays off.

That's good.

Two weeks' vacation with pay.

That's good.

And I start tomorrow night at Colucci's Bar and Grill.

[both] That's bad.

What do you mean?

You don't know that place?

That's a place where all the bad people hang out.

And it's run by some rough guys.

Well, how rough are they?

Well, a friend of mine almost got killed in there last week.

[gasps] What did he do?

He tipped under 15%.

And you know who beat him up?

- Who? - Rocky.

- Who's Rocky? - The hat check girl.

I want you to call Colucci right away and tell him you're quitting.

Oh, Uncle Ed, you're the one who told me to get a job.

I'm not interested. You get Colucci on the phone

and tell them you're through, right away.

Call him right now, okay?

Come on, Louie, let's have another drink.

Don't you think I've had enough?

Hello, may I please speak to Guito, the maitre d'?

Thank you.

Hello, Guito? This is Monica.

The girl you just hired as a waitress.

Well, I just called to tell you that I'm gonna have to quit.

What do you mean "nobody quits"?

Oh, Mr. Colucci took a liking to me?

Well, yeah. I thought he was real nice, too.

But you see, my Uncle Ed just doesn't want me to work there anymore.

What?

[scoffs] Na-uh. You don't know my Uncle Ed.

When he makes up his mind, nobody changes it.

What?

Both his legs?

But he's an old man.

Both his old legs.

All right.

What time do you want me to come in?

I'll be there.

[Ed] Monica!

Monica, where are you?

Monica-- Hey, Raul!

Where's Monica?

- She left for work. - Oh, good.

Oh, she left for work? That's wonderful.

Do you mean she got a new job?

No. She decided to keep the old one.

That does it.

The minute she shows up, I want to talk to her.

I'm gonna tell her to pack her things and get out.

She didn't want to take the job, Uncle Ed,

but they made her take it.

What do you mean "they made her"?

I heard her calling Colucci's.

And they told her if she didn't show up for work,

they would come here and break both your legs.

Well, I'm not afraid of them.

I want her to quit.

Look, now, hold on, Ed.

Maybe you and Colucci could come to some kind of compromise.

What kind of compromise? You mean, if I let her work there part time,

they'll only break one leg? Is that it?

Sure. And they may even let you choose which leg.

Louie, when they were passing out brains,

why did you ask for a child's portion?

I'm gonna call Colucci right away and tell him to send Monica home

or he's gonna be in big trouble.

No, no, Ed.

[stutters] You shouldn't be talking to Colucci in your present frame of mind.

I don't care. I'm gonna call him and tell him he's a--

I'll do it for you.

Okay.

But make sure that he's gonna send Monica home right away.

Otherwise, I'll do something.

[Louie] Don't worry about a thing.

Hello? Mr. Colucci, please.

I'm an associate of Ed Brown.

Yeah. He's Monica's stepfather.

That's telling 'em.

Mr. Brown wants you to send Monica home right away.

Yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I understand.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Goodbye, Mr. Colucci.

Well, well, what did he say?

Well, there's good news and bad news.

Okay, let me have the good news.

The good news is, Monica will be right home.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now the bad news...

Colucci is coming with her.

Well, I'm not afraid of him.

What kind of a man would I be if I ran away from Colucci?

A healthy one.

I--

Never mind. Let me tell you something.

I was brought up in a tough neighborhood, see?

And I know there's one thing a tough guy is more afraid of than anything else.

- What's that? - Somebody tougher than he is.

Watch this.

You mean to tell me you live here, in this filthy garage?

Yeah, and what's wrong with it?

I wouldn't let a netzel spend the night in this joint.

Okay, boss.

[Louie whispers indistinctly]

Come on, Louie. Move it!

Here, hold the Stradivarius.

Okay, kid.

Upstairs.

- Oh... - I don't want any arguments.

Get up there and keep your lip buttoned.

Which one of you guys is Brown?

- I am. - How about that?

I could have sworn it was him.

Why? What do you want?

My name is Colucci, Monica's boss.

Yeah? Well, I'm Eddie, the mechanic,

and this is my associate,

Louie the painful.

So you brought one of your boys with you, eh?

I sure did.

Bruno.

[speaking indistinctly]

I'll tell you...

- What? - Hey, boss, this look like a job for Wilt Chamberlain.

[Ed grunts]

Bruno.

- Put this out. - [grunts]

Ed, that cigar didn't even hurt him.

Well, maybe he doesn't inhale.

Well, Brown...

pretty tough, eh?

Tough? You think that's tough?

Watch this.

[yells]

[bottle thuds]

[Ed] Get me a chair.

- Okay, boss. - Not you. Him.

[Bruno grunts]

Sit down.

Well, what do you think now?

I ain't impressed.

I got a friend who just moved into a new apartment,

and the moving men did this to all his furniture.

I think it's time to start talking.

Okay, let's get over to the table.

[Colucci] Before we start talking, though,

I think we ought to put all of our hardware down on the table.

Okay, Louie, drop the gun.

Okay, Louie, open her up.

Wait till you see this piece.

The greatest thing you've ever seen in your life.

I was...

That's from Carnegie Hall.

[Ed grunts]

I never heard of you guys.

Where do you come from?

Detroit.

Hey, that's a coincidence. Me, too.

- We probably know a lot of the same people. - Yeah?

No, I don't think so.

You see, because we... we... we stayed in and watched a lot of TV.

I don't think you guys are who you say you are.

How would you like a pair of cement shoes?

Well, personally, Mr. Colucci,

I prefer blue suede with crepe soles.

All right, everybody, freeze!

Colucci, you're under arrest.

Get over there!

- You, too, Bruno. - [Bruno grunts]

Why? Why me?

You're an accomplice.

Hey, [chuckles] I'm an accomplice.

What's the charges?

There was a warrant issued for your arrest this morning.

We've got about 15 outstanding charges against you.

I got about 15 outstanding charges against me?

A-ha! So you admit it.

All right. Come on. Let's go down the station.

- Move! - [Bruno] Accomplice.

Hold it! Hold it!

What are you guys made up for?

Didn't we tell you? We're going to a masquerade?

- Yeah, we're going as Bonnie and Clyde. - Yeah.

Ah. Come on, move it. Come on.

- You know something, Ed? - What?

We sure were lucky that the cop came in when he did.

I wasn't scared for one minute.

Are you kidding?

We could have got shot.

You could have got shot. But not me.

I'm wearing a bullet proof vest.

Look.

Well, if that's a bulletproof vest, where did all them holes come from?

Termites.

- Hey, Ed, did you hear what Officer Hennessey said? - What?

What did he say?

Fifteen charges against him.

I wonder what for.

Armed robbery?

Burglary? Arson? Assault with a deadly weapon?

Extortion? Embezzlement? Kidnapping?

I know at least one of them.

- You do. What? - Illegal parking.

[both] Illegal parking?

Yeah. After I saw him come into the garage, I got in their car,

released the handbrake and rolled it right in front of the fire hydrant.

- Go on upstairs and tell Monica it's safe to come down now. - [Raul] Okay.

- Yeah. - You did a great job, Louie.

You were brilliant. You were a big help.

- [Louie] Thank you, boss. - Uncle Ed.

- [Ed] What? - Uncle Ed.

She's sound asleep.

Uh-oh.

Here we go again.

Operator, I think my phone is out of order.

Would you mind ringing me after I hang up?

Yeah, the number is 555-9342.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

I'll get that.

Thank you, Operator. It's working perfectly.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something To eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪