Original subtitles

[man] One, two. a-one, two, three, and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard To understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

Forgot what I came down for.

[bottle rattling]

That's it.

Hey, José!

Hey, what are you doing

drinking straight whiskey so early in the day?

I'm expecting a cold.

Good morning.

- Hi, Louie. - Hi, Monica.

Monica, do you know how long you've been in that bathroom?

I had to wash my hair.

Well, next time, send it out to the dry cleaners.

That way, it'll be back the same day.

Now, wait a minute.

Monica's gonna be a big movie star and she's got to look good at all times.

That's right, Uncle Ed.

I mean, I might be spotted by a talent scout.

Only if he spends all his time in our bathroom.

That must be where they discovered the Ty. D. Bol man.

Hey, Louie, look at this.

This here spark plug costs $1.50. $1.50 for a spark plug.

You know, when I first started in this business, spark plugs were a nickel?

Ed, when you started in the business, they didn't have spark plugs.

They had wicks.

Ah, those were the good old days.

Well, what was so good about them?

I had a different garbage man.

Listen, I have to get over the auto supply house

and get some more of these things right away.

Keep an eye on the garage, will you?

Yeah. Now, if anybody comes in, shall I sell them anything?

Yeah, sell em' the garage.

Hey, Uncle Ed.

I got to talk to you.

Not now, kid. I'm in a terrible hurry.

But this is important.

So is this.

This costs $1.50, and I'm going to rush over there right away

before they charge $5 for it.

- But Uncle Ed, I gotta tell you something. - [Ed] Later. Later.

What's the matter, Raul? Something wrong?

I was trying to tell Uncle Ed that a couple of big guys

stopped me on the way from school and they started asking me

a lot of questions about him.

What did they look like?

Well, they were wearing regular suits, but I had a feeling they were cops.

Now, how can anybody tell if it's a cop

if he's not even wearing a uniform?

Well, maybe it's kind of like an intuition.

You see, I got that myself.

What kind of intuition?

All right now, for instance, if I'm in a crap game

and one of those guys walks in, I can hear my mother's voice

telling me, "Louis, swallow the dice."

So what if they are cops?

I mean, I'm sure that Uncle Ed has nothing to hide.

His life is an open book.

[scoffs] His life is more like an open bottle.

Hey, get a load of this.

This spark plug is so expensive that they said they didn't carry it anymore.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, tomorrow I'm gonna try Tiffany's.

Hey, why all the long faces?

What happened? Somebody cancel The Gong show.

Uncle Ed, sit down a minute.

- We want to talk to you. - Okay.

- Uncle Ed. - What?

Why Do you have any enemies?

Oh, yes.

- Who? - All my customers.

We're worried.

Two strange men have been asking questions about you.

What do you mean strange?

Were they wearing dresses?

No. You see, Raul thinks they might have been cops.

Or are you in any trouble with the law?

Are you kidding?

At my age, anything I can still do is legal.

- [Louie] Uh-oh. That's them. - How did you know?

I just heard my mother's voice say, "Okay, Louie, swallow the dice."

Excuse me.

Which one of you is Ed Brown?

- He is. - He is.

As a matter of fact, neither one of us is Ed Brown.

- No, he just went down to the corner. - Yeah.

When will he be back?

Sometime in October.

You see... You see, he's a very slow walker.

- Yeah. - Ain't you, Ed?

I...

Louie, Dr. Frankenstein is looking for you to provide you with a new brain.

Well, gentlemen, I have to admit it.

I'm Ed Brown. Now, what can I do for you?

We wanted to make sure who you were before we identified ourselves.

We're with the government, and what we do is a secret.

I see. You must be from Congress, because everything they do is secret.

We're with the Secret Service.

- Oh. - No kidding.

Have you heard any good secrets lately?

I'm sorry we had to be so cautious, but we have to be safe

from a national security standpoint.

Oh, I quite understand, but there's nothing to worry about.

We haven't had a Russian spy in here in at least two weeks.

Which one of you is Raul Garcia?

- He is. - He is.

Now look, kids, there's nothing to be afraid of.

The reason we're here is someone named Raul Garcia

sent President Carter an invitation to visit the Barrio.

And the president has accepted.

[gasps] I'm Raul Garcia.

I'm his foster father.

I'm his stepsister, and I'm his garbage man.

I wrote that letter for my civics class.

Is the president really coming?

Yep.

President Carter is flying to the far east for a few days

to attend the global energy conference.

He plans to stop over in Los Angeles,

and he wants to meet Raul Garcia personally and his family.

Hey, isn't that wonderful?

You see, Monica, I keep telling you,

you always gotta keep the garage clean because...

[Monica, Raul and Ed] You never know who might drop in.

Isn't that great, Uncle Ed?

The President of the United States is coming here.

Yeah. The President of United States is coming to my garage.

How about that?

Well, excuse me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Well, if the president is coming here, I'm gonna wash my hair.

I wouldn't stay in there too long.

He might be a one term president.

Excuse me.

The president will be here in two days.

Now we'll be in touch to let you know exactly what time he's due to arrive.

- [Ed] Oh, good. - And one more thing.

We're going to have to run security checks on all you people.

[mutters]

[stammers] Security checks?

Well, it's just routine.

I'm sure you have nothing to hide.

- Oh, nothing. I mean, yeah... [stammers] - We'll see you folks later.

- Bye now. - [Monica, Raul] Bye.

[Louie] Bye.

[Louie] Just think, the President of

the United States is coming here

just because you sent him a letter.

Hey, would you write one for me?

- To whom? - To Regina Harn.

I know one thing.

This is gonna get me an A-plus in my civics scores.

I bet we're all gonna be on TV.

[gasps] Maybe that producer will see me

and give me my first big break.

Yeah, when I have a meeting with old Jimmy,

he might appoint me America's first Secretary of Garbage.

What've you got to say about that, Ed?

I say the president's not coming here.

What?

What do you mean the president ain't coming here?

You heard what the man said.

Yeah, but you didn't hear what I said.

The President is not coming here.

You want to know why?

It's because I don't want him here.

But why?

Well, you heard the man say that he'll be here in two days.

That'll be Wednesday.

Wednesday is my bowling night.

You bowl on Fridays.

Yeah, but you got to get there

a couple of days early in order to get a lane.

Besides, you let one president in, and the first thing you know,

there'll be one of them here every four years.

Ed, presidents ain't that bad.

I don't care what you say.

I don't want every Tom, Dick and Jimmy in here.

Ed, do you realize what you're doing?

You're turning down the President of the United States.

- You either gotta be crazy, or either you or-- - Or what?

- Or you a communist. - He is not.

He's an anti-communist.

I don't care what kind of communist he is.

Never mind that. Listen, I don't wanna argue anymore.

You. I want you to go in the office,

call the White House. Tell the President he can't come.

- Go ahead. - What?

- Uncle Ed. - What?

Even Brezhnev wouldn't do that.

Good.

Then the kid can go to school tomorrow and tell all his friends

that he can do something that Brezhnev can't. Go on.

- Uncle Ed, do you realize what you are doing? - What?

First, you turn down the President of the United States,

and worse than that, you may have hurt my career.

Come on, kids. Don't waste any time.

Get in there, call the White House.

And remember, reverse the charges.

But what if the President isn't home?

Leave a message with Amy.

Ed, we've been friends a long time, but I got to tell you this:

I ain't never seen you do nothing like this before

in all the days of my life.

Louie, I gotta tell you, this was not easy.

But I've got a good excuse.

I bet you can't give me one good reason

why you don't want the president to come here.

Oh, yes, I can.

Louie...

I am a deserter from the United States Army.

Yeah, that's a good reason.

Yeah, Louie, we'll have to face it.

I'm a low down good for nothing deserter.

Well, which side did you desert?

The North or the South?

Louie, this is no time for jokes.

For 33 years, I've been a deserter from the United States Army.

I just can't believe that about you, Ed.

Now, how did it happen?

Well, I'd just came back from overseas and I hadn't seen Margaret in four years,

so I grabbed an early plane.

And didn't wait to be discharged.

I didn't pick up my discharge papers.

So, officially, I'm a deserter.

Hmm. That is serious.

How much longer were you supposed to serve in the army?

Two and a half hours.

[laughs]

Two and a half hours.

Listen, Ed, the army ain't gonna do nothing about that.

Well, look, you had a great record during the war.

Well, when you came home, Ed, you had some chest full of medals.

Why, even the folks were saying, "He's the most

meddlesome guy in the neighborhood."

That really doesn't make any difference, Louie,

because after all, the Army knows I've been

Absent Without Leave for 33 years.

So, you've been AWOL for 33 years.

The army ain't gonna hold a little thing like that against you.

Now you understand why I didn't want the president to come here.

See, if those Secret Service men make a security check,

they're gonna find out, and so will Raul and Monica.

- Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed! - What?

I just spoke to the Secret Service.

What'd they say?

They said it's too late for the president to change his plans.

- Too late? - Too late?

Oh, Ed, that's terrible.

- Yeah. - I feel bad.

I hope you're not angry with me.

No, no, no, no. Don't worry about it.

And don't feel bad.

Yay! I can't wait to tell everybody

the president is coming.

The president is coming! The president is coming!

- Well, Ed, I gotta get you out of this. - Yeah.

Now, we've got to get our heads together

and come up with a good excuse to tell why you left the army so early.

Okay. Well, like what?

Well, why don't you tell them that you were captured by Japanese soldiers?

In New Jersey?

Well, well, maybe you could call President Ford

and see if he's still passing out pardons.

No, I don't think that would work either.

- Well, maybe this might work. - What?

- How about we'll change your identity? - Yeah?

Give you a phony ID.

And I let you use my driver's license.

Louie, your driver's license has your picture on it.

Who's gonna notice after we paint

on a little gray mustache in and put on a funny hat?

Louie, what time are the guys in white coats coming to take you back to the home?

- Okay, well, only one thing to do. - What's that?

I gotta turn you in.

Turn me in? Louie, you're my friend.

Why would you do a thing like that?

To get the reward money, to pay the lawyer to get you out of jail.

Lawyer, huh?

Hey, right, that's what I need.

A lawyer, a good lawyer.

Where am I gonna find a good lawyer?

Ain't no use because all the good lawyers are in jail.

- Hey, wait a minute. - What?

I know a lawyer who hasn't been caught yet.

Well, call him, Louie. Call him right away.

We gotta get this thing moving.

And, listen, tell him this is a very important call, right?

Hello?

Yeah, I want to speak to Mr. Boykin.

It's very important.

Yeah. Good. Good.

Tell him it's Louie the garbage man.

Attaboy, Louie.

You know how to impress him.

Mr. Boykin? I'm calling for a friend of mine here.

Yeah, it seems he got in a little trouble with the army.

Well, a little trouble.

No, no, he's not a spy.

- No, it ain't nothing serious like that. - There you are.

- He's more like a traitor. - I was...

Louie, why don't you just tell him you're calling for Benedict Arnold?

Yeah, it seems he left the army two and half hours before he was discharged.

So he's been listed officially AWOL

for the past 35 years.

Thirty three years.

What are you trying to do? Make me look bad?

Yeah, I guess it is a disgrace.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Mr. Boykins.

Thanks. I'll tell him.

Well, I've got some good news for you.

Okay, let's hear it.

You should be back on the streets in about 20 years.

[Louie's voice echoing] Yeah, I guess, it is kind of a disgrace...

Kind of a disgrace, a disgrace...

He's more like a traitor...

He's more like a traitor...

[drums beating]

[Ed's voice echoing] Why don't you just tell him

you're calling for Benedict Arnold...

A court martial will proceed against

General Benedict Arnold.

Psst. Hey...

You're wrong.

Uh, correction.

Make that Staff Sergeant Ed Benedict Brown.

Bring in the prisoner!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

[tears fabric]

[tears fabric]

Your sword.

[breaks]

Your moustache.

The Secret Service men will now carry out the sentence.

Right face.

Ready, aim...

fire!

[both] Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame...

...shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.

[Monica] Okay, Louie, pull it on up.

Okay, hold it.

I don't see any sign of the president coming yet.

Oh, he probably got held up at lunch.

You know, it takes at least three hours

for the presidential motorcade to go through Jack in the Box.

Hey, I wonder why Uncle Ed hasn't come downstairs yet.

Well, he probably hasn't been able to think

what he's gonna say to the president yet.

Where's the president?

Is he here yet?

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Raul,

but the president's not gonna be able to stop by, after all.

[Raul] What?

He had to attend an emergency meeting

of the Global Conference of Energy and he had to cut his LA visit short.

Well, he was sorry he couldn't make it.

But you know how busy presidents are.

Well, why couldn't they have sent the vice president?

They never have anything to do.

I don't see Mr. Brown around.

I hope he hasn't left town or anything.

He's not here. What do you want to see him about?

Well, it has to do with his service record in the army.

Where is he?

Well, it's either one or two places.

Now, if he doesn't know you're here, he's up in his room.

But if he knows you're here, he's on his way to Mexico City.

Why do you want to see him?

Well, let's just say he and the government have some unfinished business.

Raul, I may be going away for a long time.

So from now on, all this is yours.

- Here. - Mine?

I'm too young to run a garage.

Don't worry, you'll grow into it.

Louie, I have a little present for you.

- Oh, thanks-- - Remember that gold watch you admired so much?

- Yeah? - It's yours.

Here. Here's the pawn ticket.

Monica, a little souvenir of my days with the Ziegfeld Follies.

An autographed picture of Flo Ziegfeld.

Who's she?

Now, Mr. Brown, we have something for you.

Well, gentlemen, I served my country loyally for four years.

Do me a favor, please.

Don't let the kids see me taken away in handcuffs.

I don't understand what you're talking about, Mr. Brown.

At the request of the President, we brought your honorable

discharge papers from the Army.

We did a security check and found out you forgot to pick them up.

I did?

Well, you mean they're not going to arrest me

for being two and a half hours early?

Two and a half hours early?

According to Army records, you left a day and a half late.

I did?

How did I do that?

Once again, Raul, the President expresses his regrets at not being here,

but you'll be able to see him as he goes by on his way to the airport.

Well, we have to get back to the motorcade.

Just a moment, gentlemen.

Raul, my calculator.

Okay.

Here you are, Uncle Ed.

Thank you.

Let's see now, a day and a half overtime for 33 years and 6%

Ah-ha!

Just as I thought, the government owes me $142 and 36 cents,

and I want it.

How am I gonna collect?

Well, [clears throat] I suggest you come to Washington

and do what everybody else does to get what you want.

What's that?

- Protest! - Protest!

I got a better idea.

What is it, Uncle Ed?

Raul, I want you to take a letter to your pal Jimmy in Washington.

- Okay. - Now here's what you're gonna say.

[indistinct]

There he is. There's the president.

[all cheering]

What is that?

It's an empty beer can.

Oh, Billie must be with him.

[announcer] Chico and the Man's recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the streets ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly For something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪