Original subtitles

[man] One, two, a-one, two, three, and...

[theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

Now that's what I call seafood.

[car honks]

Come on, right this way.

Right this way.

Hold it.

Uncle Ed, I got a surprise for you.

- Suprise for me? - Yes.

You're gonna love it, too.

Girls, I want you to meet my Uncle Ed.

[girls] Hi!

Monica, what are these girls doing here?

Girls, line up.

Okay, turn around.

"Ed Brown's Car Wash."

Well, what do you think?

Don't rush me. I'm a slow reader.

"Wash, Car, Browns, Ed."

It's just as good backwards too.

Uh, Monica.

How come they don't put on Ed Brown's gold mine?

You don't own a gold mine.

I don't own a car wash, either.

And I don't want one.

- So, ladies, it's been very pleasant-- - I'm Susie.

I'm Lynn.

I'm Barbara.

I'm Margie.

I'm impressed.

Okay, girls, get to work.

Yeah. Get to work.

Monica, who turned my garage all around?

Where'd these girls come from?

Uncle Ed, I put a 'help wanted' ad

- up on the supermarket bulletin board, - Yeah.

because you've told me that I have to work

while I'm trying to get into show business, right?

- So... [indistinct] - [loud upbeat music playing]

...and that's why I opened up the car wash.

Now, do you understand?

Not quite. It was a little difficult to hear

over the soundtrack of World War II.

Well, we all need the extra money.

- I see. - This is Lynn.

She's studying to be a doctor.

This is Susie, who's writing a book on astrology,

And Barbara right here has to pay for all of her dancing lessons.

I see. Who's that, what's her, what's her name over there?

[Monica] Oh, that's Margie.

She has to make extra money to pay her psychiatrist.

Pay her psychiatrist?

Why does she have a psychiatrist?

Well, when she was a little girl,

she was awfully insecure and she just never outgrew it.

[Ed] I see.

She seems to have outgrown everything else.

Now...

Mr. Brown, I am a medical student.

I'm reading this pamphlet and it has nothing good to say

about what's in that bottle.

Yeah? Well, I've been reading the label on this bottle

and has nothing good to say about what's in that pamphlet.

You remember, I'm keeping an eye on you.

Yeah.

See, It's a good thing you only run into a cuckoo like that once in a lifetime.

- Mr. Brown. - Yes?

Have you met my teddy bear?

I was wrong.

[upbeat music playing]

[grunts]

[music continues playing]

Hey, where's that music coming from?

I could get 20 years for trying to turn that thing off.

Turn it down.

- Mr. Brown. - What?

Listen, I was just talking to Monica about your sign.

What sign? I took it down three years ago.

It was attracting too many customers.

No, no, I mean your astrological sign.

See, I can tell all about a person if I know what day they were born.

When is your birthday?

October 10th and 11th.

- Oh, October 10th and 11th. - Yeah.

How could you be born on two days?

I was a very big baby.

You're a Libra.

Well, none of us are perfect.

I'm gonna work out your entire horoscope.

That way, you won't make any mistakes in your future.

Listen you, I stopped believing in fortune tellers

after a gypsy told me to buy this garage.

- Now, look, I have a-- - [telephone ringing]

[all exclaiming]

Hello, Ed Brown's sorority house.

Who do you want?

Well, I don't know them by name yet, but I'll tell you what we got here.

We got an out patient with a teddy bear.

We got a girl with a radio down her shirt,

and we've got a medical student

who's trying to bring back Prohibition.

I would-- Oh? The teddy bear? It's for you.

[all groaning]

Here, hold teddy.

This is Margie.

Oh, Frankie, I'm so glad you called.

I love you.

Do you love me?

Do you love Teddy too?

Tell Teddy.

Tell him you love him.

Oh, look,

Teddy's smiling.

And Eddie is throwing up.

Well, I have to go now, but tonight, Margie Bargy

will give Frankie Winky a great big kissy-wissy.

[kisses] Bye bye.

I haven't heard baby talk like that since I left the maternity ward.

Oh, you.

Hey, Mac, your car will be ready in about 10 or 15 min.

I don't own a car. I just came here to watch.

[Raul] Monica.

Monica?

I got the handles from the printer,

and I put them on the windshield of every dirty car I saw.

Nice work, Raul.

Come here, you.

So, you're in this too, huh?

Yeah. Monica's the president, and I'm the vice president in charge of advertising.

[telephone ringing]

[all exclaiming]

Down, down, girls.

Hello.

Ed Brown's ga-- Wrong number.

[girls] Oh.

[sighs]

Mr. Brown!

It is a proven scientific fact that one ounce of alcohol

destroys two million brain cells.

Do you know what happens after you've been drinking for 20 years?

Yes. You open an all-girl car wash.

Keep coming, keep coming.

A little bit more. That's fine.

Hey, listen, Mac, I was just looking at your car outside,

and I can tell by the way your ties are wearing,

- you need a front end alignment. - [Mac] Oh, that's terrific.

And by the sound of your motor,

you're gonna need a new manifold.

[Mac] Oh, that's dynamite.

[Ed] Yeah.

And I think you're gonna need a new transmission.

Oh, that's sensational.

What do you want?

Listen, Mac, I've been a mechanic for 30 years

and I'm trying to tell you your car is in very bad shape.

That's okay. I only need it to go around the block.

Well, why are you going around the block?

So, I can get back in line to get another car wash.

[laughs mischievously]

- Mr. Brown. - Yeah.

Can you hold my teddy for me?

I have to use the ladies room.

Why don't you take him in with you?

Oh, I can't.

He's a boy.

Howdy, Monica.

Should I empty the trash, or should I read you a bedtime story?

Just keep talking, Louie.

You're bound to say something intelligent sooner or later.

Well, I will say one thing.

You've got a whole lot of young, pretty girls in here.

Congratulations, Louie.

You finally arrived at the age where you're able to notice young girls.

Can't you see what's going on here?

Of course I can see what's going on here.

What's going on here?

Well, I've been in the garage business for 30 years,

working up a good business.

Suddenly, Monica comes in here and turns this thing into a car wash.

Well, there's about 30 cars outside.

This looks like it's going to be a big business.

And I'm sure that you could fit right into it.

Yeah? Like how?

Well, go back to school.

After three or four years, they could teach you how to handle a sponge.

Louie, get out of my car wash, will you?

So long, Ed.

Yeah. Oh, oh, back here.

You forgot to say goodbye to Teddy.

Bye, Teddy.

- Mr. Brown. - Yes, dear.

I just started your horoscope.

- And guess what? - What?

Well, Venus is in the second house of Neptune.

Capricorn is quiet in the southern sky.

And Pluto is resisting the gravitational influence of its moons.

- Really? - Do you realize what that means?

It's going to rain.

No.

It usually means a tall, dark man is coming into your life.

You're too late. He just left.

Barbara? Barbara, for the 10,000th time

I'm asking you. Will you marry me?

And for the 10,000th time, I'm telling you, no.

I love you. But if I married you,

it would interfere with my career.

I'm not leaving this garage until you say yes.

Hold it, hold it. What's the trouble here?

Charlie says he's not going to leave the garage until I agree to marry him.

That's right.

Now, listen, Charlie, if you don't go quietly,

I'm going to have to throw you out.

And I happen to be a pretty tough guy.

Here, hold my teddy bear.

You're gonna throw me out of here?

That's right.

I'd like to see you try.

Listen, Barbara. Why don't you think it over?

Charlie seems like a nice, levelheaded guy to me.

But then you marry him.

You marry him.

- Uncle Ed, - What?

I wish you would stop distracting the girls while they're trying to work.

Everybody get back to work.

Just start working.

Can I have Teddy back, please?

- Here you are. - Margie.

Is your part of the car finished yet?

Yes, and I even washed the motor.

The motor? You washed...

- You washed the motor? - Uh-huh.

How do you like that? She washed the motor.

Oh, look at the pretty bubbles.

[all exclaiming]

[horns honking]

What's all the noise out there?

They're all getting impatient.

- Uncle Ed, - What?

I'm hungry.

Well, go cook a chicken.

- [telephone ringing] - [all exclaiming]

Okay, right in here.

Okay, keep coming.

Down here. Down here.

Quiet!

[noises stop]

How did I do that?

- Uncle Ed. - What?

What's the matter?

Something wrong?

You bet there's something wrong.

I gotta get rid of this car wash.

Monica, I want you to go over there and fire these girls.

Uncle Ed, I can't do that.

I just don't have the heart.

Monica, you're going to learn. As you go through life,

there are a lot of unpleasant things you have to do.

I'll show you what I mean.

Girls, get over here.

Now, there's something I want to tell you, and I wanna...

I want to...

I have to tell you that you... [mutters]

Raul, what was I gonna tell em'?

He was gonna tell you

we're closed on Mondays.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna tell you.

[all exclaiming]

Alright, back to work. Back to work.

[horns honking]

Uh...

Everything's a little quieter, but there's one thing missing.

- [telephone ringing] - [all exclaiming]

She doesn't get off work till 5 'o' clock.

[all] Oh!

Coming through, coming through.

Oh...

There's my sponge.

I've been looking all over the place for this.

Thanks.

- Uncle Ed. - What?

There's a customer who wants to see you out there.

- Customer? - Yeah.

- You're the customer? - [man] That's right.

What do you want?

There's a guy handcuffed to my car.

What should I do?

Be very careful backing out.

- Mr. Brown. - What?

Susie was just telling me about my horoscope.

She says I'm a Gemini, and that's a sign of twins.

- Mr. Brown. - [Ed] Yes.

Could you please come over here right away?

- Immediately. - Okay.

I have to talk to you. It's very important.

What is it?

Oh, right away.

Let me see. Start from the back here.

Okay.

All right. Okay, pull.

There we go.

Right in there.

Arthur L. Keever.

I want you out of this place this very instant.

But dear, I was just resting my feet.

Last week, I caught you resting your feet in a massage parlor.

- Now, march! - [muttering]

And you!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

What for?

Running an X-rated car wash.

[all exclaiming]

What are you talking about?

This a regular car wash.

It's just that I employ female help.

Don't tell me.

Places like this attract a lot of weirdos.

The only weirdos we've had in here so far are you and your husband.

What do you call that?

Well, it's a very simple explanation for that.

See, he just broke up with his girlfriend.

Yeah, and he just came back to return her charm bracelet.

Hey, Brown.

What?

I know I've made a lot of trouble for you here this afternoon,

and I'm sorry.

And tell Barbara that if she changes her mind, she knows where to find me.

Okay,

[metal scraping]

[Lynn] Mr. Brown!

Ah-ha!

The old hat trick.

- [Raul] Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed, - What?

- There's a big crowd down the street, so I went to see. - What are they doing?

They were watching a guy handcuffed to a bumper,

and he was trying to get into a Volkswagen.

♪ Everything is fine And dandy♪

♪ Sugar candy When I'm with you ♪

- What do you think you're doing? - Shh.

I'm auditioning for a producer.

[continues singing indistinctly]

Wait a minute. Why don't you go over and audition in person?

Hollywood's only a few minutes away.

He's not in Hollywood. He's in London.

In London? Do you realize that it's $20 a minute to call London?

I reversed the charges.

You reversed the charges?

- Of course. - You mean I don't have to pay for anything?

No.

♪ Everything is fine And dandy♪

♪ Sugar candy When I'm with you ♪

[continues singing indistinctly]

Well, I see you're still on the sauce.

Listen, if you won't listen to me, at least read this pamphlet.

It tells you everything you should know about alcohol.

It does, huh? Does it tell you where to get it?

Where's my bumper?

What are you talking about?

The bumper for my car.

It's gone. Where is it?

How should I know?

Well, you've got to find it.

Okay. Give me a description of it.

Well, it's about 4 1/2 ft long, about 3 inches high.

It's got two rubber-- I'm gonna call a cop.

Oh, call a cop, see if I care.

Just get out of my garage. And stay out.

Okay, back it out, and bring the next one in.

Okay,

[loud crash]

[all exclaiming]

Get out of that car.

That was my fault, officer.

No, my fault, officer.

No, officer. It was my fault.

No, it was my fault, officer.

No, it was my fault.

No, officer. It was my fault.

What are you gonna do about the fender of that car?

All right, all right.

Blue beard, where are you hiding my husband this time?

Your husband is nowhere near this garage.

Don't lie to me.

I know he's hiding here somewhere.

Arthur L. Keever

You coward!

[Arthur] Were you looking for me, dear?

Excuse me, officer.

Perhaps, I'll be able to borrow the keys to your handcuffs.

It's a bit of a problem here.

[horns honking]

- [telephone ringing] - [all exclaiming]

[indistinct shouting]

I'm still hungry.

Well, go refry your beans.

[indistinct chatter]

Mr. Brown, I'm really sorry about everything.

Where's my bumper?

- I want my bumper. - I told you he was here.

[indistinct shouting]

I'm gonna have a drink. I don't care what anybody says.

- I'm gonna... - [clicks tongue]

That's a good boy.

Uncle Ed, why are you sitting in the office with the lights off?

Well, I don't know, Raul.

Sometimes, I think you see things more clearly in the dark.

What can I do for you?

There's something wrong with my skateboard.

Oh, I'll fix that.

Ah, yes, just as I thought.

Just tighten it up a little bit.

Yeah, that's one.

And here's two.

There.

Try it now.

I always knew you were a great mechanic.

Ah...

- Not a bad day, Uncle Ed. - No?

Washed 37 cars and made $110.

Hey, that's marvelous.

Good night, Brown.

You take care of your health.

Thank you.

By the way, Lynn, do you mind if I ask you something?

Whatever made you decide to become a doctor?

Well, I want to go into research so that someday I can discover

something that will relieve the suffering of humanity.

Well, we already have something like that.

It's called bourbon.

Good night, Uncle Ed.

Good night, Mr. Brown.

Good night.

Well, Margaret, I really got my hands full.

Raul and his skateboard, which needs fixing every minute.

Monica and her car wash.

And those girls. Wow.

Now, I know what people mean when they say, "Congratulations, it's a boy."

You know what I've been thinking, Margaret?

I've been thinking...

All this aggravation...

it's going to add at least ten years to my life.

[telephone ringing]

[all exclaiming]

[announcer] Chico and the Man is recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey ♪