Original subtitles

[man] One, two, one, two, three, and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see The morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and The Man ♪

[softly] Ah!

I've got to get my vitamins someplace.

Hi. What's for breakfast?

Well, we usually have bacon and eggs...

Who are you?

- I'm Monica. [squeals] - Monica?

What's that thing you're wearing?

What do you mean, what thing? I always wear this.

Why, are you pregnant? [laughs]

Never mind.

Turn around. I want to get dressed.

Okay.

Now, how did you get here?

- I hitchhiked. - No, no, I don't mean here. I mean, in there.

Oh, some cute little kid named Raul.

He said I could sleep here. [chuckles]

You just wait till I get my hands on that cute little Raul.

I'll rend him limb from limb, that little...

[yells] Hey, that's my bathrobe! Take it off! Take it off!

- Okay, okay. - No, no, no, no, no!

Don't take it off. Don't take it off.

Well, first you say take it off. Then you say don't take it off.

Now make up your mind. What do you want?

I want an explanation.

[sniffing]

What's that on your breath?

Cornflakes.

Good morning.

[indistinct]

- Hi, Raul. - I see you met Monica.

- Ah, yeah. - Can I keep her, Uncle Ed?

No. I wanna know how she got in here?

Well, it was like this.

- I was asleep in the van... - Yes.

...when I heard a noise.

- Yes. - I went out to the alley to take a look

because I thought it was a robber.

How many times have I told you, if you think it's a robber, invite him in.

He might lose something valuable while he's in here.

And then I saw Monica getting into our tow truck.

That's no place for a nice girl to sleep in.

So, you invited her in here, huh?

How do you like that? Why am I always being picked on by these teenagers?

What do I look like? Wolfman Jack?

Say, mind if I take a shower?

- Oh, go ahead. It's right upstairs. - Okay.

No, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Come back here.

Not in my bathroom. Where did you shower last?

- In Detroit. - Then you better take two showers.

- Try the ladies' lounge. - Okay.

Where is the ladies' lounge?

In the men's room.

And remind me to tell her I counted the towels.

Isn't she great, Uncle Ed?

She hitchhiked all the way from Kentucky by herself.

Yeah, all by herself, with the aid of a lot of those roadside Romeos.

- Oh, she told me about them, too. - Mmm.

She really had her hands full.

I'll bet they had their hands full with her, too.

Do you know why Monica came to California?

Why? Because she likes earthquakes?

No, she came to Hollywood to make a lot of money in the pictures.

Oh. Well, tell her to open a Fotomat.

Please let her stay.

All she needs is one big break.

Well, put her in a cast.

I wanna do for her what you did for me.

What's that? Chase her all over Mexico?

I want to adopt her.

Come on. You're too young to adopt a girl of that age.

I was too young to adopt a father your age.

But look how good it worked out.

Hello, everybody.

[Ed speaking indistinctly]

My, my, my. What a beautiful morning.

Shut up, Louie. Nobody asked you.

What's the matter with you, Ed?

Oh, I got a lot of uninvited guests in my house,

I'm getting sick and tired of them.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll just leave.

No, no. Not you, Uncle Louie.

[whoops] Boy, do I feel better.

Uncle Louie, this is Monica.

- Hi, Monica. - Hey, Louie.

I brought her home last night.

Attaboy, you're smart as a whip.

Now, most kids just bring home stray dogs.

I'm trying to get him to let her stay.

She's got no place to go.

What are you talking about, no place to go?

There are a thousand garages in Los Angeles.

Thanks, Raul.

But don't worry about me. I can take care of myself.

Just point me towards Hollywood.

Monica's going into show business.

- [Ed] Oh, sure. - She's gonna be a big superstar.

Every pretty girl wants to come here and become a star in show business.

Did you ever know one who made it?

- [Louie] Yes. - You did?

I happen to know a girl who came to town

and made a million dollars in the movies.

A million dollars in the movies?

Well, actually, it wasn't in the movies. It was in TV.

Oh, it was in TV.

Yeah, and come to think about it,

it wasn't a million dollars, it was more like $1,000.

A thousand dollars?

- And actually, it wasn't her. - Oh?

- It was her brother. - Her brother?

He didn't make it. He lost it.

Oh. I see. Another one of those Hollywood success stories.

Right. Right. Now, if it could happen to her, it could happen to Monica.

- [Monica] Yeah. - I think I need another shot of cornflakes.

Hey, honey. Now, what do you do in show business?

Oh, I do everything.

[Louie] Everything?

Yeah. When it comes to talent, you'll find that I am loaded.

If you come around at 4 o'clock, you'll find it unloaded.

- And I can act. - Yeah?

Oh, you were magnificent last night. You were just adorable.

Oh, you little old devil, you.

See, I told you I could act.

- Uh, she can dance, too. Show him, Monica. - [Monica] Okay.

[scatting]

Hey, you've got a lot of rhythm.

For a person of the Caucasian persuasion.

Hey, thanks.

Now... see, can you do this?

[scatting]

You're not bad yourself. Not too bad.

You know something? After watching you two,

I really feel certain there's a place for you in show business.

- Yeah? - Where?

In the audience.

- Now, wait a minute... - [car horn honking]

- [car horn honking] - Okay. What do you want?

- [man] Fill it up. - Fill it up, he says.

Hi. How about a lift?

Sure, gorgeous.

Where are you headed?

I'm on my way to the big time.

Hey, I just happen to go in that way.

Hop in, sweetheart.

What sign are you?

I bet you're a Sagittarius, huh?

- [Ed] I'll get it. I'll get it. - [man] You are a compatible sign for me...

- Uncle Ed. - What?

You gotta stop her. You can't let her go with him.

Why? What's the matter with him?

- He's a weirdo. - Yeah.

What makes you think so?

You ever see a guy wear so much jewelry?

My man, next to him, Sammy Davis looks naked.

I guess you're right, Louie. He's got more chrome on him than a '57 Cadillac.

But filling the tank is my business.

Filling the rest of the car is his business.

Well, wouldn't you feel terrible if that girl was your daughter?

I'd feel worse if that guy was my son.

Hey, come on, Ed. Ain't you gonna do something to stop her?

I told you before, I can't do anything.

You want to try to stop her? Go ahead.

- Come on. - Okay.

- Hey, listen, you. - [man] Excuse me. Yes?

I happen to be this young lady's doctor,

and she's not fit to leave this garage.

You are a doctor?

That's right. This is how he dresses for house calls.

Yeah. You should see some of the houses I go into. They're real pigsties.

She doesn't look sick to me. What's wrong with her?

Well, look, you see, she hasn't got it all up here.

Ain't no telling what she might do.

Now, you see that knapsack?

- Yeah? - You know what it's filled with?

- What? - Tranquilizers.

She'll go bananas any minute.

Yeah, and her father's the same way.

Yeah. Ain't no telling what he'll do.

Yeah, that's right. Uh...

[stutters] The last guy who tried to take her away from me

got a lug wrench right through his windshield.

Where's that lug wrench?

Understand? Demented, but devoted.

[mouthing]

That'll be 5 bucks.

- [stammers] Here you go. - Okay.

I'm terribly sorry, young girl.

You see, I just happen to realize that I have...

I have to pick up my wife and my eight children,

- and go visit my mother in the hospital. - [engine starts]

Maybe next time.

[tires squeal]

Aw, you want me to stay after all, don't you?

Congratulate me. I just became a kid brother.

[kisses]

- Just what the doctor ordered. - [Monica chuckles]

Now, listen, young lady, if you're gonna stay here,

there's some rules you're gonna have to follow.

Lights out at 9 o'clock.

You'll do the sweeping, the cooking, the laundry, and the window washing.

Phone calls, not over three minutes.

- No dating during the week, and no... - Hold it.

I have something to say.

- What's that? - Goodbye.

- Goodbye? - Yes!

That is why I left home in the first place.

- Because your father bossed you around? - Because all six of them did.

My mother had six husbands at last count.

Well, why did she get married so many times?

Well, I guess she just likes to go to weddings.

There's always so much marriage in my house,

there's never any room for any love, so...

Is that why you left home?

Yeah. I decided I can run my own life now.

At least as bad as they did.

And without any interference.

Oh, you want to live your life without any interference?

Well, you can leave here right now.

Wait a minute, honey. Uh, Ed, take it easy.

Look, Louie, you take her in your truck right down to the freeway.

She can get a lot of rides there.

Wait a minute, Monica.

You don't know Uncle Ed.

He really doesn't want you to go.

Well, I do.

Come on, Louie. Let's split.

I got to tell you something.

You sure have a lousy way with children.

Good. Then don't talk to me till you grow up.

You just got yourself a deal.

Well, Margaret, what'd you expect me to do?

I tried, didn't I?

It's a lot better if she doesn't stay here.

Maybe the kid is right.

Maybe I am lousy with children.

But if I'm so lousy,

how come they all keep showing up here?

Uncle Ed? Uncle Ed?

[Ed] What?

What happened to your pants?

Termites.

Hey, I thought you weren't going to talk to me till you grew up.

I just grew up in the last hour.

You grew up in the last hour? How did you do that?

I was watching Days of Our Lives.

Well, that's better than picking up that stuff on the streets.

[groans] On second thought, I've seen a lot of those soap operas,

and you might be better off picking it up off the streets.

I want you to get Monica back.

You can find her. You found me.

What are you talking about? I didn't find you.

I just opened the trunk of Louie's car, and there you were,

passing yourself off as a spare tire.

- And look how wonderful I turned out. - [groans]

[Raul] Well, what about Monica?

Will you stop worrying about Monica?

She can take care of herself.

Everybody needs someone to take care of them.

Not me. When I was born, I was able to take care of myself.

As a matter of fact, I hitchhiked home from the hospital.

All I know is that I needed you.

Hasn't there ever been anyone in your life that you really needed?

Yes, a bartender.

Well, I'll tell you where I'd be without you.

- Where? - All alone, hungry,

desperate, and I'd become a pickpocket.

Well, at least you'd be learning a trade.

And during one of my pocket pickings, there's a scuffle.

The victim falls and bangs his head

and they send me up to San Quentin.

And I end up on death row,

and the clock ticks away.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...

And then, the guards come for me to walk...

the last mile to the electric chair.

Take my advice. Don't sit down.

No! No, I'm too young to die.

It wasn't my fault.

It all started when I was a little boy.

Nobody cared about me.

Well?

Thank you, Jimmy Cagney.

Who? Who?

Never mind.

- What? - You mean that didn't make any impression on you at all?

- Nope. - You're not gonna do anything about Monica?

Of course I'm gonna do something about Monica.

Oh, good.

Well, you just let me know when she gets to death row and I'll call the governor.

Meantime, I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

[in deep voice] Hello, Police Department?

My name is Ed Brown.

I wanna report a kidnapping.

- [engines rev] - [tires screech]

According to your story, this is the place, huh?

Yeah. This is Ed Brown's garage.

And Ed Brown will straighten out

this misunderstanding in no time at all.

That's right, Officer. Ed Brown is Louie's best friend.

Yeah, he'd better believe it.

Hey, Ed Brown! My buddy, my main man...

would you come on down here and straighten these people out down here?

The greatest guy in the world.

According to this report, Ed Brown is the one who filed the complaint.

You're gonna believe a lying rat like that?

Well, maybe Raul is here.

Yeah. Yeah. You see, Raul is his son, and Raul is always here.

I bet he'll tell the truth.

Hey, Raul...

my amigo.

It's me, your favorite companero.

Your Uncle Louie.

Come out here, you rotten little gringo.

Uh, officer, I'm sorry about this,

but I got something I wanna tell you.

No, we've got something that we've got to tell you.

Now you have the right to remain silent.

If you refuse that right, you have the right to...

[stutters] the attorney... the courts...

Harry, I can never remember the end of that.

Me neither. And I heard them say it last night on Police Story.

Okay. What's going on here? What's going on?

Hey, Ed, look. Look what the cops brought me in here.

Louie, how many times have I told you, if you can't hold it, don't drink.

Ed, you don't understand.

- They got a complaint out on me that I kidnapped Monica. - Yeah.

- Monica complained that you kidnapped her? - No!

Now, look what... She's got Louie in trouble.

Look, look, it ain't fair for me to be in trouble.

- Oh? - Yeah, because you're the one who should be in trouble.

- Me? - Yeah. She spent the night in your van.

Now, wait a minute, Louie, don't say...

- Hey, you have the right to remain silent. - Wait a minute.

- If you refuse that right-- - Wait. Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

It's true. She did spend the night in my van,

but it's all perfectly innocent.

What do you mean, perfectly innocent?

I was nowhere near that van.

How far away were you?

Uh... About 50 years.

- Mr. Brown. - What?

Why did you call up and issue an abduction complaint against your friend here?

What abduction complaint? I've never...

Hey! You! Come back here! Come over here.

I want to hear what you have to say about this.

I have the right to remain silent.

I have the right to an attorney.

You have the right to get a good spanking.

But I don't want to create any brain damage.

Now, let's hear what happened.

- I called the police. - A-ha.

I didn't want Monica to leave

and I couldn't think of any other way to stop her.

Do you know it is a criminal offense to cause a false arrest?

Do you mean you're gonna arrest me?

No, but only because we don't have handcuffs in your size.

Now, listen, you people,

we're going to let you straighten this out for yourselves,

but if there's any more trouble,

we're gonna bring the whole bunch of you in.

Come on, Lucius.

[Ed] Goodbye, Lucius.

Well, I guess it's time for me to split, too.

But you can't go.

I went through all this trouble to get you back.

Well, that's why I'm leaving.

I seem to cause trouble everywhere I go.

No, I think I'm just gonna head on back home.

Who knows?

Maybe Mom got lucky with husband number seven.

Yeah, but Monica, what about the movies?

[clicks tongue] Aw, those are crazy dreams.

I mean, it's just like Mr. Brown said.

Hundreds of girls like me come to Hollywood every week. Nobody ever makes it.

Oh. But everybody's entitled to those crazy dreams.

Let me tell you something.

I got a flock of them in my vaudeville trunk.

And if somebody came here and offered me an audition,

I'd sell this garage to buy a tuxedo.

- You would? - Sure.

Sure, he would. He's a crazy old man.

He's right. If you're gonna have crazy dreams,

you might as well have them right here in this city.

The dream capital of the world, right?

Does that mean she can stay?

Sure, she can stay if she wants to.

Well, now, that all depends on the house rules.

- House rules? - Like lights out at 12 o'clock.

- 9 o'clock. - 11:30.

- 9:15. - 11:15.

- 9:30. - 11:00.

- 9:45. - 10:45.

10 o' clock.

[Ed sighs]

- Uncle Ed. - What?

You know, Monica really likes it here.

What gives you that impression?

- She told me so. - Oh.

Don't believe her.

[Monica] No, Frankie, no. We can't. Not here.

[continues indistinctly]

Okay! All right! Everybody out!

- Come on, everybody, out! Out, out, out, out! - Hi!

[stutters] Where's everybody? Where's Frankie?

Frankie is a character in this play I'm reading. I was just rehearsing.

- Oh? - He thought you had someone in there with you.

A-ha! I must have been pretty good to fool ya.

You didn't fool me for one minute.

- I did, too. - No, you didn't.

I was just going along with the gag, that's all.

Oh, come on and admit it.

I really did fool you, didn't I?

No, you didn't fool me for one second.

Okay. Maybe I didn't.

Come on. I'll fix you a sandwich before bed.

[Ed] Okay.

Talk to you later, Frankie.

Come on. Stop fooling around.

[knocking nearby]

All right, Frankie! Everybody out! Come on, you...

Hi.

[indistinct]

[announcer] Chico and The Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly For something to eat ♪

♪ Well, times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, baby ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪