Original subtitles

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know, things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and the Man ♪

[glass clinks]

[rattling]

Boy, that's what I call coffee.

Hi, Uncle ED

You know better than that.

You should never wear a newspaper on your head.

Why?

Because some nearsighted canary might mistake it for the bottom of a bird gate.

Is this why I brought you back from Mexico?

No. You brought me back because you love me.

Hey, you. Is this Ed Brown's garage?

No, it's the Superdome.

- Of course, it's a garage. - Here.

What's all this?

Well, I'm not sure,

but my guess is that some guy's really crazy about you.

I'll thank you not to touch me.

I'm not wearing my flea collar.

Very funny. Very funny.

Get out of here and take your friend with you.

Well, who are they from?

They're from Antonio Javier Rodriguez Gutierrez Los Perales Santana...

Are you reading his name or the menu?

No, that's a man's name.

Hey, Raulito!

Hi!

Good to see you.

Ah,look who's here. The bionic mouth.

Well, at least, my battery is not dead.

- Wow! - Wow?

Look all of these beautiful flowers.

Somebody sent it to you.

Maybe your battery is not dead after all.

The flowers are for you.

For me, Let's see.

They are from Antonio Javier Rodriguez Gutierrez de Los Perales...

Gee, I wonder.

It could be the same Antonio Javier Rodriguez Gutierres de Los Perales...

that I'm engaged to.

Wait a minute.

You never mentioned being engaged.

Did that happen while Uncle Ed and I were in Mexico?

No, that it was when I and he was eight year old.

Mmm.

I never forget-- I never forget the first time he kissed me.

I was excited. I get red all over.

You got engaged when you were only eight years old?

Mm-hmm.

Antonio knew me when my gochi-gochi was only a gichi-gichi.

You know, when we were children,

our family decided that we will get married.

But not until we were both grown out.

You mean grown up?

No, no.

He was grown up, she grew out.

But you're really not gonna marry him, are you, Aunt Charo?

Of course, I have to.

I cannot go back on my family promise.

But that's crazy, marrying someone

who can turn out to be a big pain in the neck.

Oh, no, I don't think so. He's really not like that.

- I wasn't talking about him. - Ah.

But this is America.

Your parents can't tell you who to marry.

He's right.

The Constitution declares that every citizen has the right

to be nagged by the mother-in-law of his choice.

Hey, what does this guy do for a living?

- He's a matador. Ole! - A matador?

You mean he's a real bullfighter?

Is he any good?

I don't think so.

I only saw him fight once.

And the bull hate him, the crowd hate him

and even his own picador hate him.

How did you know that?

Because it was the first time I ever saw a picador ignore the bull

and stick the darts in the matador neck.

Well, I think matadors are great.

- Do you have a picture of him? - Sure.

I carry it with me all the time.

Oh, you're gonna love him.

This is him in the arena.

He's the one without the horn.

- Doesn't he look terrific? - Yah.

Patent leather shoes,

silk britches,

brocade jacket, black hat and his hair in a pigtail?

Uncle Ed, have you ever seen anyone dressed like that?

Only on The Gong Show.

Gee, I'd love to be a bullfighter when I grow up.

You? But listen, there is nothing to stop you.

As a matter of fact, you could make

a very, very good bullfighter.

I can see you now.

Walking into the Plaza de Toros.

Ole, Ole!

In your shiny suit of lights.

Your jacket alone cost $2,000.

And that doesn't include the batteries.

The bull paws, angrily, the air, like that.

The bull has some chewing gum stuck to his hoof.

And then... [vocalizes]

- The bull charges. - How much does he charge?

- Oh, be quite, Ed. Shut up. - All right.

Cierra la trompa.

Now is coming, the moment of the truth.

Do you know what the moment of the truth is?

Sure, that's when the matador looks into the stands

and sees his wife necking with his best friend.

Listen to me.

Do you have an idea what a matador does?

Yes. I'd love to try that.

Okay, let's see it. Let's see it.

You're gonna try it.

How did he do that?

Hey, what do you say, fellas?

Hello, Louie. How are you?

- How're you doing there, Raul? - I'm good.

Hey, Ed, where'd you get the flowers?

Oh, somebody sent them.

How come?

Did you finally fix somebody's car right?

- Eh. - No... They're for Aunt Charo.

You mean she fixed somebody's car right?

No, no, no.

They're from the guy who's gonna marry Charo.

- Charo's getting married? - Yeah.

To who?

To a guy who fell in love with her

when she was only eight years old.

Eight years old.

Well, I suppose...

anybody who likes children can't be all bad.

- Hey! Hello, everybody! - What?

Wait until you hear my news.

My fiance is coming here to meet me.

He should be here any minute.

- He's coming here to the garage? - Yes.

Why didn't you arrange to meet him in your hotel room?

No way.

He's a Spanish gentleman.

And if we are alone together in a hotel room,

he will lost respect for me.

- He will lose respect for you? - Yes.

Just think, at this moment,

in thousands of hotel rooms all over the country,

people are having a great time losing respect for each other.

America, America, America. All you think about is sex.

Well, don't you think about sex in Spain.

No. We learn about sex in Spain by watching the bull,

how they make little bullets.

You must remember, this man has honorable intentions.

We are going to get married.

Really? He's coming all the way from Spain just for your nuptials?

Certainly not.

He wants me for my mind, too.

Aunt Charo...

How do you know you will still like him?

I'm not as sure.

So when Antonio gets here,

you please don't leave us never alone, the two of us together.

Do you want to be my dueña?

Oh, sure, I'll do anything-- What's a dueña?

Dueña is Spanish for chaperone.

He's somebody who is there to keep people

from going to dark places and doing something naughty.

Something naughty, huh?

That's not a dewania. That's an usher.

Oh...

[horn honking]

A car stopped outside.

- Maybe it's him. - Maybe it's him.

I think I'm gonna bust.

I think I'm gonna watch.

It's him! It's him!

- It's him! - Oh, it's him!

Antonio!

Ch-- Ch-- Charo!

Antonio.

My goodness. I almost didn't recognize you

without the darts stuck in your neck.

- Antonio. - Yes.

- I want you meet my American friends. - Yes.

Senor Eduardo Brown.

My nephew, Raulito. Senor Louie.

Ah.

That's the trouble with being the garbage man.

Nobody ever wants to kiss your hand.

Charo, I have brought for you a gift.

Oh...

This is beautiful.

- Are they real ones, or are they falsies? - Oh.

Wow!

A real bullfighter.

Senor Antonio, would you teach me about bullfighting?

Well, I am a trifle fatigued.

But for your nephew... anything.

Come with me, little boy.

Make way, gentlemen.

This is no place for mere mortals.

All right, now, you are the fierce bull.

I'm the matador.

Yes, this will do very well for the cape.

How did he do that?

Follow me.

- Are you ready, Raulito? - Yes.

Ha-ha! Toro!

Ole!

You see how cleverly I--

[screaming]

Get back!

Get up! Get up!

[groaning]

[moaning]

[continues moaning]

Okay, pal. What do you want?

Fill her up.

Senor Brown. Senor Brown.

Wat-- Por favor, Water.

Sorry, pal. This customer is ahead of you.

[groans]

Here, hold this.

What's the matter with him?

I think he wants a glass of water.

[Antonio moaning]

Why is he moaning like that?

He's got a horn stuck in him.

[whistles]

That must have been some accident.

Where did it happen? On the freeway?

No, He was gored by a bull.

How much of this stuff have you had?

Well, let me see.

I started drinking in 1934.

Hey, you got a problem here.

The screw on this clamp is loose,

but I'll fix it right away.

[continues moaning]

[screams in pain]

[moaning continues]

Isn't there anything I can do?

- Yeah. Get out of my light. - Excuse me.

Eh.

There you are.

That'll be eight bucks.

I'm not charging you for using the screw here.

[screams in pain]

[screams]

[continues moaning]

Oh, thank you, sir.

I feel like a better person for having known you.

Okay, all right.

Back out as quick as you can. Get out of here.

[engine starts]

Ah!

Now, let me see.

There was something I was supposed to do...

- Water... - I'm thinking.

Oh! Sure, of course.

- Water. Water. - Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. Water.

Water... Yeah.

Thank you--

[sighs]

Was I thirsty.

- Ed Brown? - Yeah.

Why didn't you do something to make him feel more comfortable?

I did. I took a screwdriver out his back.

Antonio, don't worry. You'll be all right soon, okay?

Raul and I made a beautiful place for you to lie down.

[groaning]

- Are you okay? - I...

Okay. Are you strong enough to climb the stairs.

Yes, but you will have to help me.

Okay. Okay. Like that. Easy, easy, easy.

Easy. Okay, try, easy.

Try to make it, okay?

- You cannot do it? - No, no.

- Okay, I know what to do. - What?

I'll get behind him and I push, okay?

- Like that. Okay. Let's see, you can do it. - [chuckling]

Hey! That's the second time today he's been gored.

Ah, well, Margaret,

let me tell you who is in our bedroom right now.

A Spanish flamenco guitarist and a wounded bullfighter.

As you always used to say,

only in America can something like this happen.

[speaking indistinctly]

Well, what was all that? What's happening?

Nothing, nothing. We just have a little medical argument.

A medical argument about what?

Well, his ideas about resting in bed and mine are totally different.

I see. Well, it looks to me

like there's nothing really wrong with him.

Oh, yes, there's something wrong with him.

He's in a serious condition.

[speaking Spanish]

- What does that mean? - It means he's a turkey.

I want to get something off my chest.

This is a job for Superman.

- [Charo sobbing] - What is the matter? What?

- Oh, no, don't cry. Don't cry. - Aunt Charo, don't cry.

- Don't cry. - I can't help it.

Oh, go get something to dry your tears with.

Handkerchief or something, anything.

Ah! Oh! Oh!

How did he do that?

- Here you are, Aunt Charo. - Thank you.

You know, I'm so upset.

Just because my family make a promise,

I have to spend the rest of my life

pretending to love him.

Well, listen, I'm going now.

I'll be right back much later.

Because Antonio, tonight,

want to make the final plan for our wedding.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If you're really gonna be married,

what would you like for a wedding gift?

Hmm.

Bunk beds.

Ah, well...

Well, what are you looking at me like that for?

I know what you're thinking.

What, you think I care if she has to marry somebody she doesn't love?

Every time she gets herself into a mess

you expect me to bail her out, don't you? Don't you, huh?

Don't you? You---

Okay...

I'll find some way of getting her out of this mess.

Now will you stop nagging me?

[playing soft tune]

Aunt Charo! Aunt Charo!

- Hey. - He's coming.

Good. Go upstairs and warn my lover.

- Okay? - Okay.

[continues strumming tune]

[singing in Spanish]

Oh, you are so beautiful.

And you sing divinely.

And this is for you, my beauty.

Thank you, mi amor.

[speaking Spanish]

You are the best lover I ever had.

You kiss great.

Of course.

You know, every time I walk down the street in my hometown,

people say, "There he goes. What a kisser."

Animal.

Ah, but last night-- Last night was wonderful.

Oh, and the night before, and the night before, and the night before.

[both sighing loudly]

Thank you, my darling.

But I couldn't have done it without you.

[Charo] Hmm.

Too bad... Too bad you're getting married.

Oh, and what difference does that make?

We will still see each other.

I will sneak to you every night.

Only at night?

Well, that is during the honeymoon.

After the honeymoon, we'll live it up.

Well, why are we talking here for,

when we should be holding each other in our arms?

- Oh, yes. Oh, yes. - One moment.

- Are you ready? - Ready.

[humming together]

Uh-huh!

Antonio!

Have you been there all this time?

I have been here all this time watching.

Then my secret is out.

Yes, and I am leaving.

Does it mean that the wedding is off?

Are you joking?

I'm going to book the honeymoon suite.

If you can turn on an old duck like this,

think what you can do for me.

Ah...

Even though you know we were lovers?

- Yes, we lovers. - Yes.

It does not bother me. Do you know why? I'll tell you why?

- Why? - Because it is the '70s, and it is accepted.

Yes, we shall be married within the week.

However, there is one small matter to be settled.

What?

You must write me a check for 1,000,000 pesetas.

One million pesetas? For what?

For what? For my dowry. It is in the contract.

[laughs] But I don't have 1,000,000 pesetas.

[laughs] But your family owns half of Espana.

The ranches, the cattle, the sheep, the everything.

Let us face it, your family is loaded.

[mouthing] Loaded.

But they lost everything years ago.

They... lost it?

- Everything? - Everything?

- But I have a contract. - He has a contract.

Let us look at the bright side, Antonio.

- You can still make money on it. - How?

I'll give you $5 for that contract.

You got it.

- There you are. - Thank you.

Now, if someone will tell me how to get to the airport...

Are you going back to Spain?

No, I'm going back to Cleveland.

- [together] Cleveland? - Yes.

I am going to see Carmelita Hernandez.

You see, I made a marriage contract with her father

when I was nine years old.

[scatting loudly]

How about this? [speaking Spanish]

Don't knock it, my dear.

Five bucks here and five bucks there.

- It mounts up, you know? - Yeah.

[laughs] We're free

[both scatting]

- Look what the paper said. - What?

Antonio was fighting a bull in Mexico City and was gored.

He was gored?

Where'd the bull get him?

In Mexico City.

No, no, I don't need that. I mean, where? What part?

Oh, it doesn't say it.

All it said is he had to stand up on the plane

all the way back to Madrid.

[laughs]

- Same place Raul got him. - Same place.

Look, Uncle Ed, I'm getting better.

[Ed] Ah!

[both cheering]

Ole!

Give me that. Now, watch this.

[Ed] Yeah!

Ah, let me see anybody top that.

[both] How did he do that?

[Jack Albertson] Chico and the Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ All right♪