Original subtitles

[theme song playing]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

[instrument playing]

What'd you do that for?

It's my duty as a member of the SPCM.

What's that?

That's the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Marimbas.

I told you, I don't like all that noise.

Ah. That's beautiful. Listen to that.

I don't hear anything.

That's what I mean.

Ah, let's see.

[bottle rattling]

[humming]

Is that stuff really good for your teeth?

No, but my dentist says I have the happiest gums in town.

Hey. I'm back.

Hi. [kisses] Guess who's back?

- Hey. - Hey.

Well, it's not the Avon lady.

No, but you're still the biggest ding dong.

[speaks Spanish]

You know something? Since the last time you were here,

your English has improved.

Ah. I was talking no English.

I was talking in Spanish.

- I know. - I was telling to Raul...

- Yeah. - ...about that I just came back from my tour in Europe,

and I have been in 27 cities in 12 days.

- No. - Did you ever hear of anyone doing that before?

Sure. General Patton.

Well, he didn't had to stop and play the guitar.

- Ha-ha-ha. Let's face it, - Ah, that's very funny.

- Ed Brown, truth is truth. - True?

You are jealous of my big success.

Come on, who's jealous?

I was a big man in vaudeville in my day.

Yeah, but you were not bigger star like me.

- Oh. - [kisses]

You were just a flash in the pants.

- What? - A flash in the pants.

- You mean a flash in the pan? - Uh-huh.

You ever thought of having a mouth transplant?

Oh, smush up, you yo-yo.

Or I don't give you a present.

No? Do you mean that present is for me?

It's for you.

- Of course it's for you. - Oh, thank you.

- And this is for you. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - I hope you like it.

- Look. - Oh, look at that.

A smoking jacket.

No. For you, it's a drinking jacket.

[mutters]

It's made of a very strong material...

- Uh-huh. - ...so you don't have to worry about

ripping it when you crawl home at night. [laughs]

Now all I need is a pair of curb feelers for my hands.

- It looks good on you. - Wow!

- What? - What a terrific watch.

- Look, Uncle Ed. - Beautiful.

Now, every time you look at this watch,

you will think of me.

Oh, sure. And I'll tell you why.

It tells you the time, the day and the date,

all in broken English.

- Come on, Aunt Charo. - What happened?

I have all your mail here for you.

Oh, my goodness.

Good idea. Let's see what's cooking.

Hey, here is one from the Immigration Department.

- Yeah? - Oh.

This must be about my becoming American citizen.

Yeah, you better read it right away.

It's been laying around here for a month.

Good news. Finally, I'm gonna become an American.

One more gringa!

That's great.

All I got to do is pass the test.

When do you take the test?

Here. Tomorrow. He said tomorrow. Tomorrow.

What kind of questions are they gonna ask you?

All about America.

Ah, what do you know about America?

- I know the whole thing. - Yeah?

Grand Tomb, the Washington Monument

and the Statue of Puberty.

You mean the Statue of Liberty,

- not the statue of puberty. - Yes.

And what's the difference?

Everybody gots to grow up sometime.

- Aunt Charo. - Yes.

They could ask you a lot of hard questions.

- Like what? - Well, they might ask you, for example...

Who are the people who are running this country?

Ha! I bet you even President Carter

doesn't know who is running this country.

Yeah. But he doesn't have to take the test.

Oh. Now you know,

the two of you are worrying me now.

I just have to pass this test.

Well, don't worry, because Uncle Ed and I

will help you learn everything about America

so you can pass the test. Won't we, Uncle Ed?

No, we won't.

This country is already overcrowded.

- Please, Uncle Ed. - What?

I want her to be able to live in America.

Well, in that case, I guess we have room for two more.

Good. Then we better start right now.

Because more than anything in this world,

I want to became a citizen of the United States.

Sure, I can understand that.

And I gonna tell you why.

Because only in America,

they guarantee you the right to be free

or you get your money back.

Only in America,

you got honest election

where people can vote as many time as they want.

Only in America you have the freedom of a speech,

so you can go around

and say anything you want on your T-shirt.

And that's why I been looking forward to the moment

when I said, "I pledge allegiance

"to the flag of the United States."

And then cover my heart with my hand.

Well, if you're gonna do that,

I think you'd better wear a catcher's mitt.

Okay, okay, recess is over.

Come on, let's get back to work.

- Hey, wait a minute. - What?

I had curiosity about who belonged to this.

Who belongs to those? Those are mine.

Hey, I didn't know you wear pantyhose.

- It looks funny. - Never mind that.

- Go sit down there. - Okay, okay.

- And pay attention and start thinking... - Okay.

...because if you don't, you'll never pass the citizenship test.

- Okay. - All right. Are you ready?

Mm-hmm.

Now, here is the next question.

How many presidents have we had?

- I got it. - Yeah.

I don't know.

We had 38 presidents.

- Thirty-eight presidents. - Thirty-eight.

That's the trouble with this country.

You have too many president.

Why don't you get somebody good

so you don't have to keep changing presidents all the time.

You know, that's the first thing she said

- that makes any sense. - Yeah.

- All right. Here's an easy one. - Okay.

Who was the first president of the United States?

- Oh. - Oh, come on.

Everyone knows that one.

He wore a white wig, never told a lie,

he chopped down a cherry tree and everybody calls him

the father of our country.

Give me a hint.

Never mind. Never mind. I got it, I got it.

Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln was not

the first president of our country.

He was, as far as I'm concerned.

Nobody asked you.

All right. Let's get to something else.

- Okay. Okay. - How about education?

Now there are three levels of education in our country.

Mm-hmm.

- The first is elementary school. - Mm-hmm.

- The second is high school. - Yes.

Now, what is the top or highest?

- The top? - Yes.

- Oh, I give up. - They're all over the country.

They're in every state, every city,

and almost in every town.

I got it, I got it. Chicken Delight.

Well, what do you think?

- What? - I'm doing all right?

All right, listen, let me tell you something.

If I were your teacher, I would be bussing you to another part of the city.

- [sighs] - [sighs]

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for my book. Ulysses S. Grant.

It could be some help.

Charo, it's too bad that you can't, uh,

absorb information like that.

Something is wrong

because I feel the answer down here,

but they don't seem to get up here.

Well, I have a pretty good idea where they're getting stuck.

I'm gonna...

[exclaiming]

- What? - If Aunt Charo doesn't pass the test,

- Yeah? - she may have to leave the country.

Well, that proves there's always a silver lining to every crowd.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know what are you trying.

You are trying to make me mad,

but I'm gonna stay as cool as a cucumber.

Go ahead. Insult me. You can say anything you want,

but you will not get my cucumber hot.

- Well... - I'm gonna tell you something.

Back in Spain, I was a genius.

I had an IQ of 140.

Too bad you left it there.

Come on, help me. Really, it's not joke,

- I got to pass this test. - Okay. Okay.

Let's get back to work here.

- All right. - Okay. I'm ready.

All right. Let's see now.

How about a little history?

Oh. History is my strong point.

Oh, here's a good one.

Now, in 1620, the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in Plymouth.

What was the worst hardship they had to face?

They had to study for this test.

Your witness.

- [sighs] - Now, Charo,

I'm gonna ask you a question that even I know.

Who was Washington's monument named after?

- I don't know. - Come on!

The Washington Monument was named after George Washington.

This time you are wrong.

- Go on. - Because I saw the Washington Monument,

and it doesn't look anything like him.

What?

Yeah, look, Raul, you take over.

[sighs]

- Aunt Charo. - Uh-huh.

What do you do when you hear a band

playing The Star Spangled Banner?

I wait for someone to ask me to dance.

- Okay? - Take over, Uncle Ed.

- I'm just a kid. - Okay, okay.

All right, sit down again.

Okay.

Now, this one is about the states.

Oh. You just touched my strong point.

That is one subject that is right up my alley-oop.

Which state do you want to know about?

Machachuchette or Missipipi?

[indistinct]

I wonder how Aunt Charo is doing in there.

I wouldn't get my hopes up, Chico.

This morning, I asked her if she knew who Columbus was.

She said, "Yes, a detective in a dirty raincoat."

Well, she's been in there half an hour already.

We'll just have to live with it.

Hey, Ed, this whole thing has put a terrific strain on us.

- No kidding. - I hope next time she's careful

about where she's born.

- Yippee! Yay! - What?

- I passed. I passed. - You passed?

- Yay! - [cheers]

Congratulations.

[kisses] Yay!

- I did it! - Yeah.

- How about that? - I am gonna be a citizen.

- A citizen. - Aunt Charo.

- Yes. - How does it feel to be an American?

Magnificent. I'm so proud.

Whenever I look to this American flag,

I get pimples all over my goose.

Hey, tell me, uh, what kind of questions did they ask you?

They asked me what is Aabeas corpus?

- What? - Aabeas corpus.

Aabeus corpus?

- Oh! Habeas corpus. - That's what I said.

- Aabeus corpus. Yeah. - That's what they asked you?

Yeah, well, what did you tell him?

I didn't tell them nothing.

I don't like to answer questions about sex.

I don't believe this.

How did you ever pass this test?

I passed because you are a good teacher.

Oh. Oh.

Would you believe it that they asked me who Columbus was?

- What did you tell them? - I was brilliant.

I tell them Colombus discovered America

in a dirty raincoat.

Hey. Here is the man who asked me all the question.

Hey, tell to my friend

how I got all the answers right.

Tell us. Did she really answer all the questions correctly?

- Go ahead, tell him. - Are you kidding?

She knows as much about the USA as I do.

Including the proper pronunciation

of Abeus corpus, Machachuchettes,

and Missipipi.

Hooray! [laughs]

Ah, there you are, my dear.

If you'll come with me, my sweet.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

I would like to introduce to you a young lady

who has just become an American citizen.

Here she is, Charo.

[all cheering]

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome, my dear.

Would you care to say a few words?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, chess.

- Well, all right. Okay. - I want to make an speech.

But before I talk, I want to say something.

I want to thank you for coming here

and help me to celebrate my citizenship.

Thank you so much. [speaks Spanish]

- Bravo. - Hey.

Senor Brown, I'm so grateful to you.

Later on, I'm going to ask to Senor Brown

to read out in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Are you ready now?

- [all] Yeah. - Let's start the celebration.

Hear is Louie.

[all cheering]

Come, come, come.

What do you say, Louie?

- I say the girl looks good. - [screams]

[vocalizing]

The gal looks good.

♪ I've got a girl I know ain't true ♪

♪ Her boyfriend's number quite a few ♪

♪ I should quit what can I do? ♪

- ♪ The gal looks good ♪ - [shrieks]

♪ She's got a heart just like a rock ♪

♪ Always keeps me deep in her heart ♪

♪ She made me the laughing stock ♪

♪ The gal looks good ♪

♪ Oh, the gal looks good ♪

♪ Yeah, the gal looks good ♪

♪ Jack, I'm sorry ♪

♪ The gal looks good ♪

♪ Oh, the gal looks good ♪

♪ Yeah, the gal looks good ♪

♪ Jack, I'm sorry ♪

♪ The gal looks good ♪

♪ Now, a pal of mine gave me a friendly tip ♪

♪ About her boyfriend who's hard to whip ♪

♪ But I would chance a busted lip ♪

♪ Yeah, that gal looks good ♪

♪ I went in the danger door ♪

♪ Smash the line and damn the roar ♪

♪ Never felt this way before ♪

♪ Yeah, that gal looked good ♪

♪ Yeah, that gal looks good ♪

♪ Yeah, that gal looks good ♪

♪ Jack, I'm sorry ♪

♪ The gal ♪

♪ Oh, the gal ♪

♪ Man, she looks good ♪

Yeah!

Hey, Louie.

- That was good. - Yeah.

- Very good. Did you like it? - All right.

- Here you are, Uncle Ed. - Oh.

- It's all yours. - Thank you, my boy.

[all cheering]

What do you say, Uncle Louie, have you got

a little family music in that box there?

- I think so. - Let's hear it.

[scats]

♪ Now, you were meant for me ♪

♪ And I was meant for you ♪

♪ Nature patterned you ♪

♪ And when she was done ♪

♪ Why, Ed, you were all the sweet things ♪

♪ Rolled up into one ♪

♪ You're like a plaintive melody ♪

♪ That never, never sets me free ♪

Let's go home.

♪ Now I'm content ♪

♪ I know that angels sent you ♪

♪ And they meant you just for me ♪

[all cheering]

You rocked it, Ed.

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ Change your partner skip to my Lou ♪

♪ Change your partner skip to my Lou ♪

♪ Change your partner skip to my Lou ♪

♪ Skip to my Lou my darling ♪

♪ Change your partner skip to my Lou ♪

♪ Change your partner skip to my Lou ♪

♪ Change your partner skip to my Lou ♪

♪ Skip to my Lou my darling ♪

[vocalizing]

Give me your hand.

Come on, let's go. Come on, lorito.

♪ I'm gonna show you how to dance ♪

♪ I'm gonna show you... ♪

♪ Ladies first and gents bow low ♪

♪ Grab your partner Here I go ♪

Oh. Hey!

[vocalizing] Hey, hey!

[Mexican music playing]

Hey!

Yeah! Hey! Hey!

[all cheering]

- Bravo. - Thank you.

- I love it. - Thank you.

You know, my dear, to show our appreciation

and behalf of your citizenship,

we want to present you with this little American flag,

which you can waive on the Fourth of July.

Thank you so much.

Now I'm going to look at my calendar

to see what day is the Fourth of July.

[all laughing]

I still don't believe that she passed the test.

But nevertheless.

♪ She's a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪

♪ She's my Yankee pride and joy ♪

♪ A real live daughter of my Uncle Sam's ♪

♪ Born on... ♪

January the 15th.

♪ She's a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪

♪ She's my Yankee pride and joy ♪

♪ She went to town to answer questions ♪

♪ Didn't get a thing right ♪

♪ But she's my Yankee Doodle ♪

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle ♪

♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪

[all cheering]

[Charo humming]

All right. That sure was a heck of a party, wasn't it?

Yes. You seemed to have a good time.

- Oh. Yeah, what? - Hey.

Don't you think that you are overdoing it a little too much?

What are you talking about? It's five minutes after 12.

This is my first drink of the day.

- Five past 12? - Yeah.

Do you realize that it's my second day as a citizen of America?

Ah, that's wonderful.

And do you realize that if I don't like something in America,

I can take it all the way to the Supreme Court?

Of course you can.

The Supreme Court is the highest law in the land.

And may I say, on the other hand,

if you lose, what do you do then?

What every American does to get justice.

- What's that? - Write a letter to Dear Abby.

[announcer] Chico and the Man's recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the streets ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪