Original subtitles

[man] One, two... a-one, two, three and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun If you try ♪

♪ And I know, Things will be better♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

Ed? Ed?

Ed?

You in there, Ed?

Ed?

[Ed panting]

I didn't know you took up jogging.

Not jogging, I was running.

Who from? Another satisfied customer?

No, from Chico.

You see, his teacher gave him an assignment

to write a composition called "A Day in the Life of My Father".

Aw, that's cute.

It may be cute to you, but to me, it's a pain in the neck.

All morning long, he was following me around

writing down all the things I would say and do.

I was beginning to feel like a pair of shoes with four heels.

Oh, come on over here and sit where it's comfortable.

You know, Ed, uh, you're supposed to encourage

Raul in his schoolwork, not try to get away from him.

How would you like to be 6-foot tall and have a 4-foot shadow?

Raul's kind of fast. How did you manage to shake him?

Well, I planted a watch on him and told the cop he was a pickpocket.

You didn't.

Okay, of course I didn't. You don't think I'd do a thing like that, do you?

Uncle Ed.

What's that?

- Here's your watch. - Okay.

- The policeman didn't believe you. - Good.

He gave me some candy and helped me cross the street.

I wish he'd help you cross the border.

I hear you're doing a great reporting job, sugar.

You bet. I got all the important events in here.

Yeah. Did you report the night I sold you to the gypsies?

You didn't sell me to no gypsies.

Well, tonight's the night.

Let me see it, sugar. Let me see what it says.

Oh, here we go. "Uncle Ed got out of bed,

yelled, yawned, yelled.

Tripped over his shoes, yelled.

Heard a robin, yelled."

Why couldn't you write something nice? Like, he, uh, "he smiled pleasantly".

- If you ever do it, I'll write it. - Okay.

If you ever do it, I'll faint.

- Uncle Ed? - What?

- You know what the trouble with this composition is? - No, what is it?

- You. - Me?

You're dull.

All you do is fix mufflers.

Maybe you could try something more exciting.

What do you want me to do? Make love to a muffler?

What's the matter with you, kid.

Listen, none of us is perfect. I may be dull, but you're short.

Uncle, Ed, I don't care if you're dull.

But if my composition makes you look boring,

the other kids in my class won't vote for you.

Vote for me for what?

Father of the Year.

Father of the Year? I don't want to be a father.

You tell him I do not choose to run.

"I do not choose to run." I like it.

He likes it.

This I got to write in ink. I'll go get a pen.

Yeah, well, take your time coming back.

Make it the next tricentennial.

[grumbles softly] That kid is really getting to me.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with him.

- [Della] Oh, you'll think of something, Ed. - Yeah, I'm sure.

- It'll be dull, but you'll think of it. - Why you...

[Raul] Where are you going?

I'm gonna work on a carburetor.

How do you spell "carburetor"?

Look it up in the library. There's a good one in San Francisco.

- I'll write down "engine". - Okay.

"Uncle Ed goes to workbench.

Sits down,

picks up screwdriver,

gives a dirty look and shakes his head."

[horn toots]

Hi, Ed.

Well, well, well... If it isn't Floyd Varner,

the world's longest living IOU.

- Listen, my car's making a terrible noise. - [Ed] Yeah.

- Could you fix it? - [Ed] On credit?

I'm afraid so. Yeah.

Your mouth is making a terrible noise,

and I can fix that. Get out of here.

But Uncle Ed, he's a steady customer.

The kid's right. Doesn't loyalty mean anything?

If I'm looking for loyalty, I'll do business with a cocker spaniel.

- What? - [mouthing]

Oh, all right. All right. I'll take a look at it.

[Floyd] Oh, thanks.

Let's see what we've got here.

Well, for one thing, you've got a loose fan belt. I think that's probably it.

Uh, can you do anything with it?

I can do something about it,

I can get both of you out of here.

He's good at this.

I don't need any agent.

[grunts softly] Yeah, there we are. That'll be 10 cents.

Only 10 cents?

I usually charge $5, but this way I'm only getting stiffed for a dime.

Ed, you're a sweetheart.

And I promise you I'll take care of this as soon as I get my head above water.

Yeah, that's what the captain of the Titanic said.

Come on. Outside.

[sighs] Boy, [clicks tongue] stiffed again.

- "Stiffed again." - Yeah.

- A bunch of deadbeats. - "A bunch of deadbeats."

Just what I need, n echo with an accent.

Uncle, Ed, this is starting to get good.

You finally did something that wasn't boring.

A man who's going bankrupt can't be boring.

I'm running a telethon for broken carburetors.

- How do you spell "carburetors"? - Um, put down "engine".

This isn't a business. It's a charity.

If you're poor, come to good old Ed Brown. He'll fix your car for free.

- Uncle Ed? - What?

You're talking faster than I can write.

So, get a faster pen.

- Where am I gonna get a faster pen? - At a faster pen store.

[both] There's a good one in San Francisco.

Oh, there you are!

♪ I make my cash By hauling trash ♪

♪ Hey, brother Brown, What's coming down?♪

Who cares? This is what's going up.

It's my new bilingual "no credit" sign.

Hey, look, Louie, a Tijuana taxi.

- Excuse me. - [Ed] Yes?

Excuse me. Is this senor Ed Brown's garage?

Of course it's my garage.

You think I furnish my living room this way?

I am Hector Gomez. I would like you to take care of my car.

[Ed] This is a garage, not a cemetery.

What?

Oh. [laughs]

That is a joke.

No, that's the joke.

What do you want done?

- [Gomez] My car, it is overheating. - [Ed] I see.

[Gomez] I think it is the...

- I think it is the radiator. - The radiator?

Yeah, oh, si.

Senor Brown, I would like you to meet my wife, Rosa.

We are expecting a baby.

Aw, I had a feeling she wasn't in that dress all alone.

- [Rosa speaking Spanish] - [Ed] What's she saying?

She wants to know if you have a restroom in your garage.

Well, I don't know that we have one in her size.

Uh, but there's one right over there.

Rosa. [speaking Spanish]

By the way, Mr. Gomez, I hope you know that, uh,

the least a radiator can cost you is $30.

- [Gomez] $30? - Yeah.

I don't know how you can afford it.

How I can't afford it? No, I'm not gonna afford it.

Because you're the one who's paying. Not me.

- Me? - Yeah.

[chuckles] But I don't have any money.

And I know you fix cars for free.

Ah, senor Gomez, buenos dias.

- Buenos dias. - Do you know this guy?

Sure. His daughter, Theresa, is in my class.

Yes, she's the one who told me about Raul's composition.

That is why I have brought my car here.

To have you fix it for no money.

Come over here, you. Come back here, you.

Let me see that composition. And don't say "what composition?"

- Which composition? - Never mind.

And when Floyd left, Uncle Ed said,

"This isn't a business. It's a charity.

If you're poor, come to Ed Brown. He'll fix your car for free."

- Why did you write this? - [Raul] Because you said it.

I was being sarcastic. Why didn't you write that?

How could I write "sarcastic"? I can't even spell "carburetor".

Look in the dictionary under "engine".

Uh, yes. Yes, senor Brown.

My Rosa wants to say something to you.

Well, I think she'd better talk fast.

- Senor Brown. - Yes.

You are a wonderful man.

When they tell me about you, I say, dios,

such goodness cannot exist.

You want to know something? You're absolutely right.

Aw, your heart is even bigger than your garage.

- Senor Brown, you are a saint. - [Ed] Saint?

Aw, come on, I wouldn't say that.

- Neither would I. - Shut up.

Uh, you were saying?

We are going to name our baby after you.

- Oh, really? - Si. [chuckles]

- Well, I... That's very-- - After you.

- Oh, I... - [Rosa] Yes, yes, yes.

- You don't have to. - Si, si, si. [speaking Spanish]

Well, it's spelled Edward. Capital E, small D, W-A-R-D. Is that right?

- I'll write down "engine". - I--

It's the least we can do to repay you for your kindness.

- Yeah. - Vamonos. Un momento.

Uh, senor Brown, when will our car be ready?

Oh, I'd say, uh, about an hour. About an hour, yeah.

- Hasta luego. Gracias, gracias. - It's nothing. Yes. Okay.

- Senor Brown. - Yes, dear? What?

- Gracias. [kisses] - Oh.

- Gracias. [kisses] - Oh.

- I have another one. - Gracias. [kisses]

Hey, what's all this mess on the floor?

Don't you know you're supposed to put the garbage in the garbage cans?

Hands off.

That's not garbage. That's a '56 Chevy.

Oh.

- So, you're still doing free repairs, huh? - Yeah.

I bet you you fixed at least 15 cars in the last three days, Ed.

Sixteen, and of all the cars I've been fixing, this one is the worst piece of junk.

No, I think you gotta repaint it before you can call it junk.

That kid's really got you into something with that composition of his.

Yeah, and I've really had it with these people.

They won't leave me alone.

"Thank you. Thank you, senor Brown."

"You are a saint, senor Brown."

"Please accept these gifts, senor Brown."

Here, look at this.

How about that? Somebody gave you a chicken.

If this is a chicken, every rooster in America would be heading for a monastery.

Well, I can say one thing.

The people seem to appreciate what you're doing for 'em.

- [Ed] Yeah? - And I know it makes you feel real good.

Yeah, it gives you that empty feeling in the pit of your wallet.

Gets you right here.

Then what are you doing for it?

I'm doing it to protect Raul's reputation.

You sure that's the only reason?

Of course, it's the only reason.

I can't go back on Raul's word.

I've lived in this community 30 years.

And the name Ed Brown means something in this community.

- Yes, "sucker". - Yeah.

- Uncle Ed? - What?

Mrs. Echeverria asked me to give you these tamales.

- Oh, thank you. - She's bringing her car tomorrow.

Mrs. Echeverria doesn't have a car.

She does now.

When she found out you fixed wrecks for free, she went out and bought one.

It cost her $5.

$5?

Is she driving it in, or is she bringing it in a shopping bag?

Uncle Ed, are you sure you don't want me to tell everybody

my composition was a big fib?

No, I don't want them to know you lied.

They won't. I'll tell them that when I wrote it, I had amnesia.

I just forgot to tell the truth.

That's another lie. You've lied enough. Now, knock it off.

Here, hold on to this.

Okay, Uncle Ed, if you don't want me to say anything,

it's okay with me.

Because of you, I was nominated for class president.

Class president. Oh, son, that's wonderful.

Now, what's going to be your platform?

My platform is "I'm Ed Brown's son. When you have a saint

for a foster papa, that's all you need."

You're not gonna cash in on my name, kid.

Okay, I'll tell him that I'm George Washington's son.

Oh, kid, George Washington's been dead for 200 years.

Yeah. It was a kid like you who drove him to his early grave.

Well, I gotta get over to school.

My class is picking Father of the Year today.

And I suppose you're gonna vote for Uncle Ed.

Of course, if they name him Father of the Year,

I'll be a sure a thing for class president.

If they name me Father of anything, I'll demand a blood test.

Well, Ed, I gotta... I gotta get back to work.

- But before I leave, could I ask you something? - What's that?

- Now, since you are St. Edward... - Yeah?

Can I be St. Louie?

Yeah, Louie.

You sure can be St. Louie.

And I think it's time for the Saints

- to go marching out. - [laughs]

♪ Oh, when the saint Go marching out ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints Go marchin' out... ♪

[sighs] So, I'm a hero, Margaret.

Well, some hero. [clicks tongue]

It's all the fault of that kid.

Well, who am I kidding?

I like being a hero.

I like being looked up to.

You know, all these years, I had to climb on a ladder

to get people to look up to me. But it's nice to be admired.

[sighs] That hasn't happened in a long time.

Not since you, Margaret.

- Ed Brown. - Hmm? Yes, Margaret.

Ed Brown.

Why is my truck still sitting out in that alley? Haven't you fixed it yet?

I haven't had time.

Well, you have plenty of time for these people with no money.

Will you fix it if I promise not to pay?

Will you get off my back? I'll fix it sooner or later.

I cannot continue to pay for a rental truck.

Now, whether mine is ready or not, I've got to take it right now.

- Are the keys in it? - Yeah, the keys are in it.

And ask me about the spark plugs.

What about my spark plugs?

Well, I needed a few spare parts,

so I took them out of your truck.

You put my spark plugs in somebody else's car?

I didn't wanna break up a set. It was a perfect match for the distributor.

Oh, Ed, you've ravaged my truck.

So? Call the vice squad.

Come on, Della. It's in a good cause.

- [Della grumbles] - Really, I'll fix it. I promise. I promise.

- [Gomez] Senor Brown. - [Ed] What?

- Senor Brown. - Yes.

Oh... What is it this time?

Transmission or generator?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It is my wife.

This morning, she had twins.

Oh, wonderful.

Nothing wrong with her generator, is there?

[Gomez chuckles]

And I did not forget my promise for fixing our car.

I have named one baby "Ed" and the other "Brown".

Ed and Browne Gomez?

Yeah. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Oh, how's Rosa?

She was so happy when I picked her up in the car.

She honked the horn all the way home.

How can I... How can I ever thank you?

Oh, don't thank me. Thank Della. It was her horn.

You mean your wife just had a baby and she's home already?

Ah, si, to Rosa, having a baby is like sneezing.

Congratulations, Gomez.

- And to Rosa, gesundheit. - [Gomez chuckles]

Senor, I will never forget you.

Never, never, never. You are a saint.

He is a saint. The man is a saint.

Oh, so that's it.

Uh, what's it?

That's the reason for this sudden generosity.

Those people are loving you for it,

and you're just loving all that loving.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Gomez loves to worship at people's feet.

Why, he can't pass a shoe store without dropping to his knees.

All right, Ed, if that's what you want everybody to think.

But it's really nothing to be ashamed of.

Everybody likes to be appreciated.

You have the same human feelings as everybody else.

How dare you say that?

You tell anybody that, and I'll sue for defamation of character.

[Della huffs]

Well, here we go again, Margaret.

See, I've been honest and sincere and sensitive

and decent and generous.

It's a hell of a way to live.

Uncle Ed! Uncle Ed!

Ah! Run for the hills. I'm being attacked by munchkins.

- Don't worry. You won. - [Ed] Won what?

The kids just named you Father of the Year.

Oh, come on. I don't wanna be Father of the Year.

Come on. Everybody out. I haven't got time to fool around here.

What is it?

- How do you do? My name is Theresa. - No way. I'm Ed Brown.

Come on, everybody out. Out. Faster.

- I'm here to present an award to you. - I don't want it.

Thank you very much. Let's go, fellas. Everybody out, eh...

Yes. What is it now?

"To the Father of the Year.

For his unselfish service to the community,

like fixing our parent's cars for free and many other good deeds

we're sure you've done, even though nobody knows of any.

We're proud to name you Father of the Year."

Oh...

Well, thank you very much.

Well, that's very nice. A very nice speech.

Thank you. I'm... I'm really touched by it. And the...

I want to tell you that I I never expected anything like this.

As a matter of fact, I never even wanted anything like this.

But I... I really do... Do appreciate it.

And I want to thank you very much.

And, uh, to show my appreciation,

I'm gonna give each and every one of you a free lube job.

But we don't have a car. Can't we just have ice cream?

Okay, I'll compromise.

I'll make it a vanilla lube job. How's that?

[kids chuckle]

Hey, Raul, your old man's okay.

Yeah, I raised him pretty good.

I'm glad you won the award, Mr. Brown.

Well, thank you very much.

Me too. Even though some of the kids

wanted it to go to Mr. Melendez.

Melendez? Who's Mr. Melendez?

Oh, you mean Melendez the fireman?

Yeah, that's him.

What's the matter with you kids?

This man's out there risking his neck every day.

The biggest risk I ever take is backing into a hot exhaust pipe.

[kids chuckle]

Yeah, but the kids figured that Melendez gets paid for what he does.

Nobody's been paying you.

He couldn't have accepted it anyways.

- [Ed] Why not? - He's in the hospital.

Oh, dear. What's the matter with him?

He was carrying this lady out of a burning building and the floor fell in.

But he'll be okay.

Well, I'm surely glad to hear that.

- Well, we got to get going. Bye, Mr. Brown. - [kids] Bye.

Okay, bye-bye. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I, uh... I wanna... I wanna say something to you kids.

You know, uh, I'm really no... No hero.

Well, it's true I did help a few people,

but I did it because I liked being looked up to and admired.

So, you see, what I did may have been right,

but I did it for the wrong reason.

And that's why I think you ought to give this to Melendez.

I think we'd better have a conference.

[Ed] Conference? Uh-oh.

They're taking up a collection for the tar and feathers.

- Mr. Brown? - [Ed] Yes?

Our teacher said, "Sometimes it doesn't matter what the reason is

for doing something, as long as we do it."

See, Uncle Ed, honesty is the best policy.

- I heard that. - But we think our teacher's wrong.

This is going to Melendez. Come on, kids.

- [Raul] Wait a minute! - Wait a minute.

Come here. Come here.

I have an announcement to make about running for class president.

I do not choose to run.

That's my boy.

Smart move, Garcia. Come on, you guys.

Oh. Fine thing. I've come down in the world.

Five minutes ago, I was a saint.

Oh, sorry. You'll always be a saint to me.

Aw, that's better. Thank you.

And look, Raul, uh, I want to apologize

for having knocked you out of the class president race.

But, uh, to make up for it, suppose we take in a movie tonight, huh?

- Why not, Uncle Ed, you are a saint. - Yes.

- I'll go get my jacket. - Good.

And I'll get my halo and go with you.

[Jack Albertson] Chico and the Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly For something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All right ♪