Original subtitles

[man] One, two, a-one, two, three, and...

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's Good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see The morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun It is to ride... ♪

[continues in Spanish]

Hey, Uncle Louie!

Are you ready to hang the wreath?

[Louie] Coming right up!

There you are, Raul.

One full-price steel-belted radial Christmas wreath.

Go on and hang it up.

Okay. Bring the ladder over here and I'll put it right on up.

Attaboy.

- Right there? Okay. - That's good. That's good.

Hi, Raul. What're y'all doing?

We're decorating the garage, Aunt Della.

Christmas is coming.

Well, sugar, aren't you rushing it a little bit?

It's not even Thanksgiving yet.

Yeah, but I want to give Uncle Ed plenty of time so he could get me a puppy.

Well, why does he have to have two months?

Well, it took the two poodles next door

four months to get a puppy.

And Uncle Ed's gotta do it alone.

All right. All right.

Whose bright idea was it to giftwrap the garage?

- Hey, Uncle Ed. - [Ed] What?

Why don't you try sliding down the banister?

I got a better idea. Why don't you try sliding up the banister?

Boy. What is it with all this junk?

Don't you like it, Uncle Ed?

Why is it every time I wake up in a good mood,

Christmas comes along to spoil it?

Oh, Ed, the kid's been decorating this place for two hours.

Yeah. Why can't we have a little of that holiday spirit?

And stop knocking those tools off the shelves.

What's the matter with Uncle Ed?

Oh, he's just in a bad mood, sugar.

He's been in a bad mood from the day he was born.

When he was born, he was the only baby in the hospital to slap the doctor back.

Oh, come on. He's not always that bad.

You know, I think he misses Ms. Margaret.

He's a very lonely man this time of year.

But Uncle Ed and I won't be lonely.

He said we're going to have dinner

in a big house with a fireplace, and hundreds of guests.

Now, who does Ed know that's got a house like that?

I think his name is Howard Johnson.

Beautiful.

Aw. Listen, I'll tell you what I'll do, sugar.

Tomorrow, I will make us a special dinner and bring it over for a surprise.

That's wonderful!

And we'll be just like a real family.

And you're invited too, Uncle Louie.

Oh, thank you, kid.

But you see, Uncle Louie's got a previous engagement.

Now, tomorrow is the annual garbage men's dinner.

Oh really? What are you having?

Leftovers.

[sighs]

Boy, we're sure having a good time.

Aren't we, Uncle Ed?

Do you know what the people in Mexico are doing right now?

Sure. They're all trying to swim the Rio Grande.

They're getting ready for the big fiesta.

Everyone is very excited.

Big deal. They spent all year waiting for a chance

to drink some tequila and dance on a hat.

[vehicle horn honks]

- [Raul] Come on! It's Aunt Della, Uncle, Ed. - [Ed] Yeah.

Hey, what does she want here?

- I don't know. - Well...

All right.

Ah, if you're looking for service, forget it.

Every garage is closed. Today is the day of mourning.

Oh, Ed. Come on. I got a surprise for you.

[Ed] Yeah?

Ta-da!

What do you think?

Looks like Nelson Rockefeller's lunchbox.

Oh, will you cut it out?

Baby, you get this table right there,

and Ed, you get that one and bring it right there,

and I'll get a tablecloth.

Just put them right side-by-side, right here.

We're gonna have us some fun tonight.

I got everything for us. I got us a turkey.

And we've got mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce, and hot rolls, and gravy.

And, Ed, just wait till you taste this.

Yeah? Oh...

What do you think?

It's either very bad wine or some very good antifreeze.

Make yourself useful.

Put this in the punch bowl.

Put it in the punch bowl.

- [Ed] Okay, got it. - All right.

[mockingly] Whee!

Well, let's see.

[Della humming in the background]

[whistling]

Okay, help me set the table.

[Ed] Okay. What can I do?

What took you so long?

Well, I was just giving the punch a few extra seconds to age.

Now, listen,

I hope you're not gonna spend the whole night making those grouchy remarks.

I just hope you're not gonna spend the whole night.

- See, that's what I'm talking about. - What?

Just that I wish that, for once in my life, I could see you in a good mood.

Oh, Uncle Ed will be in a good mood, all right.

I promise you.

Now, here's your drink.

[Della] Thank you, sugar.

And here's...

- your drink. - Thank you.

You know, you can have some too. It's just a mild fruit punch.

No, thanks.

I'm trying to quit.

Well, here's a little toast from an old mechanic.

Here's looking under your hood.

[coughing]

What's the matter?

Well, the punch may be mine, but that fruit is dynamite.

- [Ed] Oh, boy, that was... - [Della] That was good!

Well, let's have another toast, huh?

Well, we better slow down a little bit

because we've been toasting each other all night.

Well, you may be right.

We better not toast any more.

It's been cutting into our drinking time. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Ed, if you don't be careful,

you're gonna mess around and get some of that in your mouth.

- Della. - Yeah?

Have I ever told you I think you're a fine-looking woman?

No, you never have.

Well, you never told me I was a fine-looking woman either.

But I will tell you something, Ed.

I do think you're kind of sexy.

Yeah? I think so, too.

If someone gives me a quarter, I'll leave the room.

I'll give you a dollar if you leave the country.

Why don't you go upstairs and watch a little TV?

No, that's all right. Let Raul stay down here.

It's all right. I'll go upstairs and I'll turn on the TV.

What do you want to watch?

Well, I don't want to watch the news.

It's just that I've always had this great urge

to do this striptease in front of Walter Cronkite.

Chico, you're a little boy, I think you better go upstairs

- and get ready for school tomorrow. - That's right.

Today's Friday. There's no school until Monday.

Well, go outside and wait for the bus.

I got an idea. Why don't I go upstairs?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

And if the bus comes, we'll send it up to your room.

- You know what, Ed? - What?

You are very lucky to have little Raul.

He's so cute and bright,

- and he's a sensitive child. - Yeah.

I thought he'd never leave, too.

Uh, sorry. There was just enough left for me.

All right.

Boy, that's what I call gravy.

Della.

You know, I've always liked you.

Well, you've never shown it.

Well, sometimes, I like you so much

I could hardly keep myself from telling you.

Why, Ed, that's the nicest thing that's never been said to me.

Yeah, well, I'm saying it now.

Yeah, we've had a few differences in the past.

Yeah, that's true. But it's just because you're always wrong.

Now, because it's you, I'm willing to overlook that little dig there.

Hey...

Let's...

Let's go over and sit on the couch

and be a little more comfortable, huh?

That's a good idea, Ed.

Where's the couch?

You were saying?

I was saying... Oh, I know what I was saying.

I was saying that you have been

a wonderful father.

- to little Raul. - Well...

Yeah, well, I did my best.

But, Della, we really need a woman in this garage,

somebody to take care of Chico, and do the laundry,

and keep the punch bowl filled.

- You know what? - What?

If I didn't know better,

I would think that you just proposed to me.

Proposed to you?

Propose?

[mumbling]

How about it?

Well, how about it?

- Well, Ed, frankly, I'm tempted. - Mm.

- The nights have been kind of long and lonely. - Yeah?

Does that mean you're saying, "Yes, I'll marry you"?

No.

That means that I'm saying,

"Hell, yes, I'll marry you."

Drink up, Ed.

What's the matter, Uncle Ed?

I have a little trouble locating the floor.

That's funny. You slept on it last night.

You look terrible.

I only wish I felt that good.

Are my eyes red?

- They're just a little bit red. - Yeah?

Well, you ought to see them from my side.

Boy, have I got a headache. Here, give me a hand,

and take me to the office.

Oh, boy, I really need a drink.

- Oh, wait a minute. - [groans]

Here. Drink this. It'll make you feel better.

Okay.

What is it?

Uncle Louie calls it "The hair of the dog."

I think the dog left his flea collar in it.

Oh, boy, I don't know what Della put in the punch last night,

but that's the last time I let her make another drink for me.

That's not a nice thing to say about a woman you're gonna marry.

Mm. Yeah.

[sputters] What did you say?

You and Aunt Della are gonna get married.

- Married? - You even put a ring on her finger.

Well, that's ridiculous. Where would I get a ring?

Well, It wasn't exactly a ring.

It was a pop-top from a beer can.

You said it belonged to your mother.

Aw. Della wouldn't take that proposal seriously.

People say a lot of things they don't mean when they've been drinking.

If she'd have been serious, she would have told somebody

like a friend or a neighbor, or a member of the family.

Oh, yeah, Uncle Ed!

Get out of here! Who are you?

I'm Andy Rogers, Della's nephew.

Hey, that means he's gonna be your nephew, too.

See, I told you so, Uncle Ed.

What do you mean, Uncle Ed?

What am I, in the Yellow Pages?

Everybody calls me "Uncle."

Hey, Uncle Ed, can I talk to you, man-to-man?

- Man-to-man? - Yeah.

Okay. Come here, kid.

Go on, get me a newspaper.

- What newspaper? - I don't know. Make it The Philadelphia Inquirer.

Where am I gonna find that?

Try Philadelphia, but get out of there.

- Say... - Yeah.

Are you really gonna marry my aunt?

Listen, kid, if you're against it, just let me know.

I know you're young, but your opinion means as much as anyone.

- Hey, I'm all for it. - What do you know, you're just a kid.

There's one thing I do know. My Aunt Della loves mature men.

She does? Well, maybe she ought to meet my grandfather.

You have a grandfather who's still alive?

Who said he's still alive?

Look, I wasn't trying to get personal,

but, you know, you are in the autumn of your years.

Yeah, well, your Aunt Della isn't exactly Ms. July, you know.

Anyway, I just came by to meet you and welcome you to the family.

I think you and Aunt Della are gonna make a great couple.

Don't be too sure.

Remember, I'm a mechanic and she's a caterer.

Well, so what?

So, these mixed marriages never work out.

Hey, man, you got back from Philadelphia that quick?

Andy, could I talk to you about something?

Well, sure. What, does it have something to do with a girl?

Yeah. How did you know?

[scoffs] I recognize the look.

So, what it is, man. Tell me.

What's your problem?

Andy, I think I got a girl in trouble.

[chuckles] And they say nothing ever happens in Philadelphia.

So, who is the chick?

- It's Aunt Della. - [scoffs]

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

What exactly are you saying to me?

It's my fault Uncle Ed proposed to her.

No, it's not, man. It's not your fault.

Don't you know? Marriages are made in heaven.

But I made this one in the punch bowl.

When Aunt Della finds out Uncle Ed doesn't really want to marry her,

- she's gonna die of a broken heart. - [laughs]

Is that all you're worried about?

Look, I got a feeling that Aunt Della

doesn't want to get married any more than Ed does.

After all, look who she'd be stuck with.

Why don't they tell each other?

Because, deep down inside, they're both nice people.

Uncle Ed?

Uh, very deep down inside.

But really, I don't think they wanna hurt each other's feelings.

So, don't you worry about it, man. They'll work their way out of it.

Check out the brighter side.

Look how nice they're being to each other.

Well... Maybe you're right.

After all, how long can Uncle Ed go on being nice?

Okay, Reverend. Let's go.

[man] Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join in lawful matrimony,

this beautiful sister,

and this very old jive mechanic.

You think I'd make a good minister?

Oh, Louie, come on. We're never gonna get this wedding rehearsal on

if you keep laughing.

I can't help it. Every time I see the expression on his face,

- I just naturally break up. - Come on.

Maybe it would help if Uncle Ed wore the veil.

Maybe it would help if I stuffed the veil in your mouth.

Come on, let's get this over with.

I gotta find out what's wrong with my car.

Something's wrong with your car?

- Yeah. - Well, then, how are we gonna go on a honeymoon?

Well, I'm getting the auto club to tow us to Niagara Falls.

Come on, let's get rolling here.

Oh, Louie.

Okay. Okay. Now, Ed, I think you're supposed to be to the left of Della.

Or is it Della's supposed to be to the left of you?

[Ed] Maybe we should be to the left of each other.

I bet it didn't take this long to rehearse Hello, Dolly!

Let's go.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I think I'd rather go for what's behind curtain number three.

Will you cut that out! Now, you come on, Louie.

Dearly beloved,

if anyone here knows why these two people

should not be joined together in matrimony,

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Could we do this by secret ballot?

- Now, wait just a minute. - What?

Are you trying to say you don't want to get married?

Della, you really want to know the truth?

The answer is, yes, I don't want to get married.

Well, thank goodness, Ed, because I don't want to get married either.

Hey, that's marvelous. So, how come we got mixed up in this mess?

- Ah. - It's all my fault.

I wanted you two to get married because I thought you were lonely.

But now that we've seen how well you guys get along together,

I think you're both better off being lonely.

Oh. We'd never be lonely because Della and I would always be friends.

Of course we will. We may fuss, and fight, and yell, and scream...

...but that's what friends are for.

- Dearly beloved... - [Della and Ed] Will you shut up?

Anyway, think of the advantages of not being married.

You won't find wet pantyhose hanging in your bathroom.

Ed, I didn't know you wore pantyhose.

- Uncle Ed. - What?

Now I know what I can get you for Christmas.

I know what I'm gonna get you for Christmas.

Dearly beloved--

[all] Oh, shut up!

I sure could use one.

Well, here it comes.

You know, Della, every time I think of how close we came

to getting married, I still get nervous.

Yeah, well, it's better that we just stayed friends and didn't get married

because there's a great advantage in friendship.

Really. What's that?

Well, you can shake hands in the middle of the night without waking up the kids.

[narrator] Chico and the Man was recorded live before a studio audience

at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪♪

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ He spent much of his time In the streets ♪

♪ His mind was Craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly, For something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ All right ♪