Original subtitles

[man] One, two, one, two, three, and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see The morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and The Man ♪

Uncle Ed! Uncle Ed!

Well, where have you been? What took you so long?

What've you got there?

I picked up the fan belt.

- Oh. - You owe me $2.

I'm taking you to the movies tonight. That should even us up.

Wait a minute.

- What? - The movie's only a dollar.

So? We'll see it twice.

[speaking Spanish]

Did the mail come? Did the postman bring my package?

No, the mail didn't come.

- And don't ask me again. - Okay.

- Did the postman bring my pack-- - No.

I told you yesterday. I've been telling you all week.

I never saw your package.

Well, maybe he brought it and you didn't see it.

You're driving me nuts with that package.

What's in it that's so important?

Like I told you yesterday, like I've been telling you all week,

it's a secret.

People who live together shouldn't have secrets.

That's easy for you to say.

You never slept 13 in a bed.

That's because I'm superstitious.

You don't keep secrets from people you're close to.

- You mean, you told Aunt Margarita everything? - Everything.

Unless it was none of her business.

All right. Go on upstairs and do your homework.

But I already did my homework.

Come on, get upstairs.

Do it again. Here.

Why do I gotta do it twice?

Because this is America, where nobody ever does it right the first time.

Now, get up there.

[phone ringing]

[Raul] I'll get it. [Ed] I'll get it.

[phone continues ringing]

Hello. Ed Brown's home and garage.

Yeah.

He's downstairs.

It's okay, Chico. I got it.

All right. Okay, who's this?

Oh, hello, Oscar. How are you?

Yeah, what's on your mind?

What? Pinochle tonight?

Oh, sure. That sounds great.

No.

I'm sorry. Not too good though.

I promised the kid I was gonna take him to a triple feature.

Yeah.

Attack of the Worm People.

And Return of the Attack of the Worm People

and The Worm People Meet The Bowery Boys.

Yeah. No, no, I can't get out of it.

I promised the kid I was gonna take him, and I...

Free food?

Oh. Free beer?

Well, uh, I'll... I'll try to work out something.

Tell you what. I'll figure out something to tell the kid

and I'll see you tonight. How's that?

Okay. Goodbye, Oscar.

[hangs up]

This I gotta hear.

- Oh, Chico. - Yes, Uncle Ed.

Uh, about that movie tonight,

would you mind very much if we postponed it until tomorrow night?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Good. - How come?

How come... Oh, how come? Uh...

Well, [stutters] you see, I was talking to Oscar on the phone.

I know. You and him gotta visit a sick friend.

A sick friend.

Yeah, that's not bad.

Sick friend. Yeah. As a matter of fact, he's so sick

he may not even last the night.

I... How did you guess?

We've been living together over three months.

I'm starting to think like you.

What a revolting thought.

[Ed chuckles]

- And Uncle Ed... - Yeah?

I hope you don't stuff yourself in all that free food tonight.

Don't worry about a thing. I always watch my diet. And I--

Why you little... You listened in on that phone conversation?

- Only part of it. - What part?

The part between, "Hello, Oscar," and, "Goodbye, Oscar."

Come over here.

What are you gonna do to me?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I want to find out how much you can hear with your ears tied in a knot.

Now put your neck in here.

But I thought you said two people who live together

shouldn't keep secrets from each other.

Secrecy is one thing, and privacy is another.

Don't you understand the difference?

Oh, sure I understand.

If I have a secret, it's a secret.

If you have a secret, it's privacy.

Right.

Hey! What's going on, Ed?

Nice to see you. How's everything? How's everything?

What do you want?

Uh-oh.

You look mad, and you look sad.

So Louie's heading back to his pad.

Come back here, Louie.

I was just giving Raul a lesson

on the invasion of privacy.

All I did was listen in on his phone call.

All you did? Listen, kid...

there's one thing I learned by picking up garbage,

never stick your nose where it don't belong.

Listen to him, kid. It's not very often he makes any sense.

- And if I were you... - Yeah?

...I wouldn't miss The Attack of the Worm People.

Because you are one lousy pinochle player.

- [Ed] That's your opinion. - Wait a minute.

How do you know about the worm people?

[chuckles] Listen, if a garbage man don't know about worms, who does?

And besides, I was listening in on the whole conversation outside before I came in.

- [Ed] Oh. - You listened in?

[Ed and Louie] Yes.

Boy, grown ups can get away with anything.

I can't wait till I reach adultery.

I don't know, Louie. I don't know what I'm gonna do with that kid.

He's a real con man.

He listens in on phones and keeps secrets all to himself.

Where is he going to wind up?

- Probably in the White House. - Yeah.

[Della humming]

- Stick them up, lady. - Oh.

Hand over your Twinkies.

Sugar.

You should never sneak up behind a woman like that.

We females are fragile creatures,

and you could end up with a fat lip.

I guess it's just not my day today.

Mine neither.

My package is lost.

I'm missing the worm people.

And Uncle Ed wants to tie my ears in a knot.

You want to run that by me again one time slowly?

This package I'm expecting from Mexico,

the mailman didn't bring it.

What is it?

It's cigars for Uncle Ed.

Tomorrow is St. Edward's Day.

In Mexico, you get presents on your name day.

Oh, so it's a surprise for Ed, huh?

Si. He's always saying, "What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar."

So he's going to love these. These only cost three cents.

That much, huh?

Yeah, but I got a friend who works in a cigar factory,

so I get 'em for half price.

Well, sugar, why don't you check over at the post office?

You know, they might've had trouble bringing them through customs.

Customs is no problem.

My friend wraps them in lots of newspaper,

and on the outside of the package,

she writes, "educational material."

Well, honey, I guess it's never too late to learn.

I better go to the post office.

Okay.

[Louie mutters]

All right, Louie, when I wave my hand like this, you hit it.

- Hit it? - Yeah. Hit it.

Okay.

♪ Oh, when the saints Go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints Go marching in ♪

♪ Yes, I... ♪

Stop that. What's the matter with you?

Get back in there.

Now, when I wave this thing, you hit it.

Is that so hard to understand?

All right.

[horn blares]

Well, at least we know the horn works.

How would you like a black eye?

I already got two.

Special delivery.

It's for Raul Garcia in care of Ed Brown.

Oh, Mr. Brown, right there.

Yeah, it's about time. The kid's been driving me crazy.

- Sign right there, please. - Okay. Ed Brown.

Yeah, well, thank you very much.

- Okay. - Hey, what is it?

It's a secret.

I don't care if you don't want to tell me.

It's not my secret. It's his secret.

- Hey, look at those stamps on there. - Yeah.

- That's from Mexico. - Yeah, Mexico. How about that?

Look what it says there.

- What? - "Educational material."

Oh, must be school books.

Hmm.

Dick And Jane Sneak Across The Border.

- Don't feel like no schoolbooks to me. - No.

You know something? It just occurred to me.

Now I know why he wouldn't tell me.

It's illegal.

Oh, come on, Ed. What are you talking about? That kid wouldn't...

Uh-oh. I think I know what this is.

- You do? - Yeah. You ever hear of marijuana?

Marijuana?

- Grass? - Grass?

- Pot? - It's pot?

Which one do you think it is?

- Well, it's got to be one of the three. - Oh.

Well, I'll find out. I'm gonna open it up.

Oh, come on, Ed. You just got through giving the kid

a whole big lecture on privacy.

Yeah, but it's for his own good.

I don't want him being picked up for having grass without a lawn.

I know, but it ain't right to Raul.

Now, what would he say when he finds out?

He's never gonna find out. I'm gonna steam it open.

- Good thinking. - Yeah.

[sniffing]

Ooh, Ed. Ah... I don't know what this is,

but it sure must be some good stuff. [sniffs]

Go on, take a whiff.

- Take a whiff. - Okay. [sniffs]

You know what we've been smelling, Louie?

- What? - Burnt coffee.

- Burnt coffee? - Yeah, burnt coffee.

And to think, all these years, I've just been drinking it.

Well, here. Take a look.

- This ain't nothing but some old newspapers. - Newspapers?

But what kind of newspapers?

What do you see?

Well, it's either a topless senorita

or a girl holding two cantaloupes.

No, Louie...

Dirty pictures. The kid is smuggling in smut.

No.

Yeah.

[laughs]

- Our little Raul is growin' up. - Yeah.

He's probably gonna sell this stuff to his friends.

Oh, Raul wouldn't sell no smut, Ed.

It's probably for his own personal use.

Oh!

Not while he lives with me.

I don't want this stuff under my roof.

Well, I'd sure like to have it under my roof.

You want it? Here, take it.

- And good riddance. - Thanks, Ed.

- Thank you. - Now bury it somewhere.

Wait a minute now. On other hand, Ed. That wouldn't be right.

It wouldn't be right to Raul. You gotta give him his package.

No, I don't want it. You take it.

No, you give it to him.

- You take it. - No. You give it to him.

I don't want it. I...

Wait a minute. You may be right. Something just occurred to me.

You know, kids always want what they can't have, right?

Right.

So if I tell him he can have it, he won't want it.

- Right? - Right.

I'm gonna try a little child psychology.

I'm gonna give him this package.

Well, if you say so.

It's not just my idea.

I read this article by Dr. Joyce Brothers, remember?

- Yeah. - Yeah, in which she said,

I... I said, "Louie, take out the garbage."

That's what she said. Dr. Joyce said, "Louie, take out the garbage."

That's what Dr. Joyce said.

She said, "Louie, take out the garbage."

That's what old Louie's gonna do. Take out the garbage

[exhales]

One, two, three.

[coughing]

- Good morning, Ed. - Oh, Louie.

What are you doing picking up so early?

This ain't no pickup.

This is a delivery.

You see, I figured you might change your mind.

No, I'm not gonna change my mind.

Do you think I want the kid looking at this kind of stuff?

Take it to the dump.

The dump is closed.

The dump is closed?

Yeah. You see, we're redecorating.

Excuse me, are you, Ed Brown?

Who wants to know?

Inspector Martin, Postal Service.

- Oh, oh, Inspector Martin, Postal Service. Oh. - Mm-hm.

Sure. Uh...

I'd like to have the pleasure of introducing Mr. Ed Brown from the automotive service.

- Mr. Brown. How do you do? - Yeah.

We have a missing package report filed by one Raul Garcia.

- Yeah. Oh, missing package? - Mm-hm. Right. Yeah.

Well, missing package. That would be a package that hasn't been found yet.

- Is that correct? - That's correct. That's correct. Yeah.

Well, no, I can't say that I've seen a package that hasn't been found.

Have you, Louie?

- Oh, no, I haven't seen anything. - [Ed] Yeah.

No, no, that's kind of funny, because according to our records,

it was delivered here yesterday. Special delivery. Yeah.

- Special delivery. - That's right.

- Yesterday? - Mm-hmm.

Let me see now. Who was on duty in the mail room yesterday?

I wasn't here. It was a Jewish holiday.

Well, I don't want to make any accusations or anything,

but there is a federal law, you know, which says

that withholding mail is a misdemeanor

punishable by a $100 fine or six months in jail.

- Six months... - Well, don't be looking at me.

- Six months in jail? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, that missing package.

- Then you did see it? - Only out the corner of my eye.

You see, Mr. Brown, had a good reason why

he didn't give the package to Raul,

because when he opened it to see, uh...

You opened the package?

- I, uh... Who? - You opened the package?

- Yeah... [stammering] - That could be a felony.

- A felony? - That's right. Five years in jail.

And a $2,000 fine.

- $2,000 fine. [mutters] - Right.

If you got a choice, take the misdemeanor.

Will you shut up?

You see, officer, I told him not to open up that package.

It wouldn't be nothing but trouble.

You told him not to open it?

- Yes, sir, I sure did. I told him. - That makes you an accessory.

I didn't press him.

- What is your name? - Say what?

What is your name?

Oh, my name.

Poitier.

Sydney Poitier.

- Uh, pardon me, sir. - Mm-hmm?

Do you mind if I have a few words with Mr. Poitier in my office?

Oh, not at all, but while you're at it,

why don't you see if you can find the package, okay?

I'll bend every effort.

Yeah, that'd be very helpful. Thank you.

Yeah... Come with me, Sydney.

Now, I want you to watch it. Don't trip over this thing here.

Before I kill you, I'm just going to ask you one question.

Why are you doing this to me?

Are you jealous because I'm taller and handsomer than you are?

It ain't my fault. I didn't open the kid's mail.

You're the one who opened it. I didn't open up anything.

You opened your big fat mouth.

I could have spent 20 years in jail.

Well, we'd still be friends, Ed. I'll come and visit you.

Oh. You won't have to.

We'll be seeing a lot of each other in the exercise yard.

Well, if you put it that way, let me put it this way...

Why don't we bribe the cat?

Bribe him? Bribe him? Louie, what's the matter with you?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's too expensive.

No, no. We'll have to give him the vaudeville bit.

- Vaudeville? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - The old Ed Brown song and dance.

- The old Ed Brown song and dance. - [Ed] Here we go.

[Louie] All right.

Well, well, well, sir, it just occurred to me.

I remembered where I had filed that package.

- Mm-hmm? - It was right here in my burglar proof vault.

That's a burglar proof vault?

Yeah. Would you stick your hands in there?

I think you were withholding it.

Withholding? Are you accusing me,

Ed Brown, of tampering with the United States mail?

I was merely caring for it.

You see what it says here? Raul Garcia, care of Ed Brown.

And since Raul Garcia lives here, and since I care for him

and he cares for me, we both care for each other,

why the hell should you care?

- Right? - Right.

Right.

- Right? - You mean you bought that old song and dance number?

Well, I have to. Since it's addressed in care of Ed Brown,

Ed Brown is legally entitled to receive the package.

Well, that's it.

Oh, remember our slogan anyway.

- Mail early. - And deliver late. I remember.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, Sydney.

Oh, yeah, goodbye.

Oh, here. Take this out and get rid of it.

Oh, the centerfold, too?

Yes, the centerfold, too.

Oh, but Ed, it wouldn't be right to waste two good cantaloupe.

Will you get out of here?

- [Louie] Hey, Ed! - What? You're back already?

No, Raul is coming.

Raul? Hide that package... No, no, not in there.

Oh. No, no. Here, let me help. Over here.

Come on.

What are you two doing up there?

Have you been drinking?

Drinking? Certainly not.

Louie and I are rehearsing our act for the ROTC benefit.

ROTC?

That's the Retired Old Trash Collectors.

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, we call ourselves "The Singing Hood Ornaments."

Uh, would you like to see us do a couple of numbers?

♪ We were strolling Through the park ♪

[both] ♪ One day ♪

♪ In the merry, merry Month of May ♪

♪ We were... ♪

Don't worry, I can fix it.

Hey, it's my package! Aunt Della, my package.

What was it doing in there?

Where? Oh, you mean under there?

That must have been that new postman.

He's very near-sighted.

As a matter of fact, yesterday, when I yawned,

he stuck three letters in my mouth.

[Louie laughs]

At least it came in time.

Yeah, but you're not gonna open it.

- Gimme that! - Will you wait just a minute, Ed?

- Would you wait just a minute? - I'm not gonna open it.

You're gonna open it.

- Me? - Happy St. Edward's Day.

Happy St... You mean this is for me?

I bet you haven't seen what's inside for a long time.

- Yeah, about 40 years. - Yeah.

- Come on, Ed. Open it up. - Oh, no, no. Later, later.

- Uncle Ed! - What?

I sent all the way to Mexico.

And you're acting like you don't want to see what I got for you.

Oh, sure, kid.

He wants to see but he don't want you to see.

Does he know what I got him?

You see, kid, I told him not to open it.

- And you understand why... - Why, you...

Wait a minute, Ed.

- Hold it. - Uncle Ed.

- What? - You opened my package?

The man who gives lessons about private invasions.

Why did you do it?

Because I didn't trust you. And I was right.

You know what you were doing? You were smuggling in pornography.

Pornography? Is that the name of a cigar?

No, sugar. What are you talking about?

What is this bit about pornography?

I'll show you what I'm talking about.

Here, take a look at this.

- Wow. - Not you.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

sending away for pictures like this.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself

for thinking he would send away for pictures like this.

My goodness gracious. Does this look like pornography to you?

[Ed] Oh, cigars.

Oh, uh...

I thought he was smuggling in some dirty pictures.

That's just a newspaper they wrapped it in.

I don't have to send away for that kind of stuff.

I can just go to the corner, and put two bits in a machine.

Ed, I think you owe this child an apology.

You're right.

I'm... I'm sorry. I apologize.

Are you sorry enough to take me

to see the Attack of the Worm People?

Yeah. I'll take you. I'll take you.

Are you sorry enough to sit through it twice?

Okay, I'll sit through it twice.

- How about three times? - No, I don't want to sit through three times.

- I'll go pack your lunch. - Oh.

Oh, well, why not?

Come on, we'll sit in the smoking section.

[coughing]

- It was some scary movie, huh, Uncle Ed? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Did you get scared?

Only when I saw the price of the tickets.

Boy, they really filled that house up, that theater there.

They really packed them in.

Yeah, until you lit your cigar.

- Then everybody went home. - Mm.

Are you gonna finish smoking it before you go to bed?

No, I think I'll chew on it for a while.

Oh, I get it. That way, the cigar will last longer.

No, no, no. That way, I'll last longer.

All right, let's go.

[announcer] Chico and the Man was recorded live before a studio audience

at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly For something to eat ♪

♪ Well, times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, baby ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪