Original subtitles

[man] One, two, a-one two, three and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

[singing Latin tune]

- Hi, baby. - Hi, Aunt Della.

- Come here, come here, come here. - What is it, honey?

- Look. - Oh, doesn't that look nice?

But what's this with the fire sale?

We haven't had any fire.

There is now.

I'm burning with desire to sell you this chair.

You can have it for half price. $12.

Sugar, half of 20 isn't 12. It's 10.

$10?

You drive a hard bargain, but a deal's a deal.

You bought yourself a chair.

Raul.

I am not buying this old chair.

But it's a good bargain.

Oh, baby. I have no use for this chair.

Why do you... "Must raise cash"?

I want to buy myself a bed.

I thought Ed promised to buy you a bed.

Uncle Ed promised us a lot of things.

But like we say in Mexico, "if promises were bulls,

a lady cow would be in big trouble."

Well, I better have a little talk with him.

Is he in this office?

Yeah. He's in there.

Now you wait for me right there.

Ed Brown, I want to talk to you.

- Well, is it important? - Yes.

Then forget it. Today, I'm only handling urgent.

Ed Brown, you come out here. And you come here, honey.

Okay. Okay.

What's so important?

Last Friday,

you promised to buy this child a bed tomorrow.

Well, I never break a promise.

This is Friday,

and I'm still going to buy him a bed tomorrow.

Case dismissed.

Ed, this child needs a bed of his own.

Why does he need a bed of his own?

I don't have one.

You would, if Raul didn't have to sleep with you.

Listen. This kid just came up here from Mexico,

where he's used to sleeping on the floor.

Let's not move him up too fast.

He's liable to get a big head.

Oh.

You promised me my own bed with a Charlie Brown blanket.

Yeah.

Ed, you've got to stop making promises that you don't intend to keep.

All right. All right. I'll get him his bed.

- When? - Tomorrow.

- Honest? - Yeah. Honest.

And you thought he was a terrible person.

Oh, shh.

- Tomorrow. - Tomorrow.

- Whoopie! - Whoopie.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. Come back here.

Where are you going?

I'm going to tell all the kids in the neighborhood

that tomorrow I'm gonna have my own bed.

Well, don't stop at the neighborhood.

If he hurries, maybe he can make the six o'clock news.

Ed, you are gonna buy him a bed tomorrow, aren't you?

- No. No. - No?

You just promised that little boy that you was going--

All right. I already ordered a bed.

I put a down payment on it last week.

Then where is it?

How should I know?

They keep saying "tomorrow."

Except when they say "maybe tomorrow."

I'm trying to find new excuses for that kid.

Well, then, why don't you just tell him

that you've ordered him a bed?

What? And ruin the surprise?

I want to see the expression on that kid's face

when he sees that bed for the first time.

I even ordered that dumb blanket.

Oh, Ed, you're a sweetheart.

I'm gonna give you a big hug.

- No, no-- - Yes, I am too.

You see what I get for being nice.

Oh.

Six, five, four, three, two, one.

Seven o'clock.

Wake up, Uncle Ed.

It's tomorrow. Seven o'clock tomorrow.

What are you, a Mexican alarm clock?

You promised to buy me a bed tomorrow,

and now it's tomorrow.

No, it's today. Tomorrow is tomorrow.

Now go away and let me sleep.

You promised me my own bed.

I'm the only one in America without my own bed.

Did you come to America to sleep?

- No. - Then you don't need your own bed.

Now go brush your teeth.

You told the social worker lady

I would have my own bed.

If they find out I don't have one,

they're gonna take me away from you.

Good.

Then maybe I'll be able to get some sleep.

Go brush your teeth.

If they're gonna take me away from you,

why do I have to brush my teeth?

All right, don't brush your teeth.

I'm gonna brush my teeth.

And then they're gonna take me away from you.

And then I won't have to sleep with a snoring old man.

[imitating snoring]

Go downstairs and get me a wrench.

Why do you need a wrench?

You need a bed. I need a wrench.

Now don't ask questions.

Go down and get it.

Hello. Benny's 24-hour Bed Shop,

"We never sleep"?

Yeah, did I wake you?

Oh. This is Ed Brown.

Of course, I know what time it is.

It's time I got my bed, the one that you promised.

If I don't get it pretty soon, I'm coming down there and--

You got it?

Oh, Benny. That's nice.

I knew I could depend on you.

God bless you.

Yeah. And don't forget the Charlie Brown blanket.

Right? Oh--

What? Goosey Gander?

Okay, forget it.

Forget it. I'll tell you what.

I'll be down, uh,

oh, say sometime this afternoon and I'll pick it up.

And in the meantime,

I'll bring the rest of the money there.

Okay? Good.

Go back to sleep.

[Raul] Uncle Ed.

Here's your wrench. Now, where's my bed?

What bed?

Like you said,

you want a wrench, I want a bed.

Don't ask any questions.

- Give me a bed now! - You want a bed now?

You see this bed?

From now on, that's your bed.

You're giving me this bed?

Yes. I'm giving you this bed.

I own this bed?

Yes, if you like,

I'll even draw up papers.

Oh, boy, I have my own bed.

My own bed.

Wait a minute.

- What? - Are you still gonna sleep here with me?

Of course.

Till I get another bed, I have to.

Then nothing changes.

What are you talking about "nothing changes"?

Before you were sleeping in my bed.

Now I'll be sleeping in your bed.

You got it?

- Yeah. Nothing changes. - Yeah.

Come on. Keep coming here. What are you doing?

Watch it! Watch it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A little more.

Just a little more. That's it. All right.

Okay.

Oh, that's good. Good, good.

It's fine. Louie, you do good work.

- Oh, thank you, Ed. - Don't mention it.

I will.

Continue, my good man.

Just drag that thing upstairs.

[grunts]

You don't mind, do you?

Of course not, Ed.

You know, it's a refreshing change,

carrying something else besides garbage.

You know, I just can't wait to see that kid's face

when he first sees the bed.

Boy, is he gonna be thrilled.

Yeah, he sure will.

Ed, you ain't nothing but an old softie

wanting to surprise this kid with a bed.

Aw!

Softie! Softie! Softie!

Shut up, Louie! Cut it out!

What? Can't nobody hear me.

I can. So take it easy.

I'm doing the best I can.

Get up here.

Be careful.

- What? - Going in the door.

- Take it easy. - Okay. Okay.

I don't want you to scratch any of the paint.

Paint? [laughs]

Watch out. Don't scratch the furniture.

[laughs] What furniture?

[screams] I've been robbed.

It's a heist. Call the police.

What's the matter, Ed?

The hole in the mattress, it's missing.

You've been robbed of a hole?

You don't see it anywhere around here, do you?

Get out of the way.

Look, Ed, I'll find you another hole.

I don't want another hole. I want this one.

- Could I ask you a question? - What?

Now, why did you buy this bed,

when you already had two?

What do you need with three beds?

I need three beds because I'm gonna have a heart attack

in all three of them.

All right. All right.

I can't wait to see Uncle Ed's face

when he sees his two new beds.

- Uncle Ed! - What?

I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise me? You damn near killed me. Where's my bed?

- Your bed? - Yeah.

- You gave it to me. - Okay.

- Where's your bed? - He traded your old bed for these two new ones.

He thought you'd be happy.

Well, I'm not happy.

Okay. Okay.

If you want, you sleep there and I'll sleep with Snoopy.

Come on. Louie. We gotta find that bed.

- Why? - Why? Because I got $700 in it.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You mean you really had $700 in your mattress?

Seven hundred and twelve, to be exact.

Why don't you keep your money in the bank

like a real American?

How was I to know somebody was going to

embezzle my mattress?

We gotta find it. Where is it?

At Bargaining Alberto's Bed Boutique.

And it wasn't your bed.

It was mine. You gave it to me.

For sleeping, not for trading.

Oh!

How much-- how much did you pay for these beds?

- $75. - $75?

That means it'll probably cost me at least 175,

maybe 200 tops to get that bed back.

Come on, Louie. Let's get out of here.

I don't think so.

Why? Nobody asked you.

- Maybe I should go with you. - No.

You've done enough damage.

Come on, Louie. Let's get out of here.

Okay, okay.

Phew.

Uncle Ed's not gonna buy back his antique bed

- for 175 or 200. - Antique?

Do you mean you told Alberto that bed was an antique?

Oh, no. All I did was swear that it was a brand-new bed

and that I didn't steal it

and that there was never a documento

with Sam Houston's name on it

and that the hole in the wood was not a bullet hole

from the Alamo.

Raul, you practically lied to him.

You bet.

Oh, you!

Look at that, Louie, that blonde floozy

- is sitting on my $700. - Yeah.

No. No! Don't go near that bed.

- We don't want Alberto to know we're interested. - Oh, right.

And don't look too anxious

because he's liable to raise the price.

Yeah, and you be cool because he's coming out.

Oh.

Ah!

Mr. Brown! Louie!

Mr. Garage and Mr. Garbage.

To what do I owe this pleasure?

- Well, we... - You see Alberto, Ed and I

are thinking about buying a bed.

Yeah.

Ah. Then you came to the right place.

Any bed in particular?

Yes. Not that one.

[shushing]

Oh. [chuckles]

- Really? - Yeah, well, maybe that bed,

which I really don't like too much.

But I'm curious.

How much is it?

- For you, $2,000. - Yeah.

$2,000--

I didn't look too anxious,

honestly, Ed.

$2,000.

That's a crummy old bed.

Why are you asking so much?

It's a free country.

Is asking a crime?

- Look, Albert-- - Call me Al.

Okay, Alberto, I might be interested in buying this bed.

I just don't happen to like the price.

Tell you what? Make me an offer.

$25.

Make me an offer.

He just did.

- $25. - $25?

That's not an offer.

That's an insult.

I'm not going to apologize.

It's not necessary to apologize.

It is necessary

to make another offer.

Why are you asking so much for this crummy old bed?

Because it is an antique.

Who says it's an antique?

Who says it isn't?

He asked you first.

Who told you it was an antique?

That little boy out there with the nose against the window.

I might have known.

Get in here, you little...

Get over here.

Did you tell this man

that bed was an antique?

No. I only made believe maybe.

You mean to tell me

there was never a documento from Sam Houston?

I swore there wasn't.

You lied to me and told the truth.

I'm sorry.

That's not fair.

Children today, you can't trust them.

Then this bed is not from the Alamo.

It is not early Americano.

No, this bed is early garago.

I've had it for over 30 years.

Well, in that case, I can't ask $2,000.

I'll have to lower the price.

- Good. - $1,000.

$1,000?

What? [stuttering] It's a crummy old bed.

It is a crummy old bed.

But I got the feeling that you want it.

Well, try to get rid of that feeling.

- Tell you what, Alberto. - Mm-hmm.

I'll give you back those two beautiful new beds.

And take this beat-up old bed.

And I'll throw in $50 for your trouble.

No trouble.

Throw in $800 and you got yourself a deal.

- Seventy-five. - Seven hundred.

I'll give you my final offer.

Seventy-six.

I'll give you my final offer.

Get out of my store.

- Out! - Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter with you?

Don't you want to do business?

I am Bargaining Alberto.

I love to do business,

but not with a person who has no respect

for a piece of fine furniture.

What piece of fine furniture?

That was never a piece of fine furniture.

It was broken when I got it.

It was sold to me by your father,

Crooked Carlos.

- Uncle Ed, Uncle Louie, can I talk to you? - What?

I'm not talking to you, you dirty little truth teller.

- Please. - All right.

Excuse me while I talk to this other crook.

Get over here. Now what is it?

We don't have to buy the bed.

You mean just kiss my $700 goodbye?

No, look, we don't need the bed.

We just need what's inside.

All we have to do is grab inside the mattress,

get the money and it costs us nada.

- Nada. - Hey, that's good.

Why didn't we think of that?

Because we're not as sneaky as he is.

Hey.

How about Alberto?

I'll take care of Alberto.

Senor, can I talk to you?

I don't talk to kids who pull the wool over my face.

Please, senor.

What is it?

Where's the bathroom?

Back there.

You better show me.

- I could get lost. - Later, huh?

Okay? But it's your store.

Just show me half the way.

Okay. Brown.

I'll be right back.

- Okay. - I'll go too. You show me the other half.

Senor, if you wish the fake lady,

I can throw that in as part of the $700.

No, no.

Senor, it's none of my business

how you get your kicks.

No, I don't want that fake lady.

Perhaps you, senor, will be interested in a real lady.

- No. - I have an aunt. Nice.

No, no, no.

She has a little mustache, you know,

- and it doesn't itch-- - No, no, no, no!

Ready to go, Uncle Ed?

No, no. We can't go now.

We haven't got the money yet.

I tell you what. $200.

- $250. - $225.

$225?

Laughable. Ridiculous.

I can't believe you said $225.

You can believe it. I said it.

You bought yourself a bed.

You mean it's a deal?

It's a deal.

It's a deal.

I--

- What? - Wait a minute. This is not my mattress.

The deal is off. There are no lumps in here.

Of course not. If I can kept your mattress here,

the Board of Health would have put me in jail.

You mean you just threw out the mattress?

No, I had to fumigate it first.

Where is it?

I threw it in the garbage. They picked it up an hour ago.

In the garbage?

Louie. Louie.

Not now, Ed. I just saw a beautiful waterbed back there

I'm thinking about buying.

Listen, they took my mattress to the dump.

You've got to go and get it.

We got a million mattresses down there, man.

Okay, well, go and find them.

Bring them all. What do I care?

- Bring them all? - Yeah.

Okay. I'll go down there and bring all of 'em. Fine.

All right. Come on, you.

Let's get out of here.

Senor, senor, senor.

I can let you have the bed for $100.

- No. - 75.

- No. - 50 and free delivery.

Twenty-five! Twenty-five!

I'll throw in the fake lady.

Ah, come on!

Oh.

How long has Louie been gone?

Two hours.

Oh.

Or 112 laps around the garage.

Ed, your pacing is not helping.

Well, it's not hurting either.

I always pace when I worry about losing money.

[car honking]

[Ed] Oh, here he comes.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh, boy, look at this.

How many mattresses you got there? All right, Hold it.

Whoa, whoa!

That's enough there.

What you got, Louie?

Well, I brought back all I could find.

- Yeah? - There are a few already burning down there.

Now is yours in here?

Okay. How do I know until I look through them all?

Okay, well, look and see.

Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. I got a great idea.

What are you doing?

Well, you remember that story about the princess and the pea?

Oh, si.

In Mexico, we call it the princess and the jumping bean.

Let's see now.

What is...

Eureka! I found it.

It's the third one from the top.

Yeah. Throw them off here.

There we are.

Ah. Oh.

That's it.

Let's bring it right down here now.

Let me see.

[humming]

Ah!

I got it, I got it, I got it!

Yippee!

Gee, Uncle Ed, you sure know your lumps.

Yeah. Who would've thought anybody with such a hard head

would be so sensitive at the other end?

Is it all there?

Uncle Ed.

Hurry up! The beds are ready for sleeping.

I'm coming.

Look.

Now that's what I call a bed.

Do you feel better now, Uncle Ed?

Oh, a lot better.

Who would have believed that a fellow could miss a bed so much?

Alberto believed it.

That's why he charged you $50 extra for the trade.

Well, I probably could have got it for less,

but I didn't want to take out his aunt with the mustache.

Uncle Ed.

- What? - I'm getting into bed.

Good boy.

My new bed.

Yeah, I know.

This is the first time I sleep in my own bed

and with my own blanket.

Uh-huh. Good luck.

Well, enjoy yourself.

Oh, do me a favor.

Turn out the light, will you?

[grunts] Thank you.

Good night, Chico.

Uncle Ed.

Yeah. What is it?

It's lonely in this big bed all by myself.

Well, you'll get used to it.

Can I get used to it tomorrow?

Okay. Come on over.

Tomorrow, I'll solo.

[cheerful music playing]

Are you happy now?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Uncle Ed? - What?

Why did you want this bed back so much?

Well, I slept in this bed for over 30 years,

and I figured I lived in it so long,

I might as well die in it.

- Uncle Ed? - What?

Please, snore tonight.

[man] Chico and the Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born in el barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, baby ♪

♪ All right ♪