Original subtitles

[man] One, two A one, two, three and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico, don't be Discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

Hi, Raul.

Hi, Aunt Della.

Aw.

Oh, hey, what is that?

Who's Randy?

Oh, that's me.

Now that I'm in America,

I figured I should have a real American name.

"Randy." You like it?

Yeah, that sounds okay.

Randy Garcia.

Oh, no. I changed "Garcia" to American too.

- Well, what is it now? - Goldberg.

Randy Goldberg?

Well, that sure is American.

Where is Ed, baby?

He's still down at city hall, signing up to be my new papa.

I got this letter of reference he's gonna need.

Louie's on the way over here with his soon.

One more and we're in business!

Why do they need all those dumb letters anyway?

Oh, well, wait a minute, sugar. They're not dumb letters.

You see, the Foster Parents Society cannot be too careful.

They want to make sure they get the perfect parents

for such a sweet, intelligent little boy.

You left out "adorable."

You are adorable.

If I were 30 years younger, I'd go for you myself.

Aunt Della,

if you were 30 years younger, you wouldn't even be born yet.

Oh, all right!

You got more Latin charm than any Goldberg I know!

[Ed] Oh!

Here you go...

- Sit down, right here. - [groaning]

- [Della] What's the matter? - What happened?

You'll never know what I went through for you.

They took my fingerprints.

They asked me a lot of questions.

The doctor stuck a needle this big in my arm.

I tell you, it's not easy having a child at my age.

Yes, but tell the truth, Uncle Ed,

ain't it worth it?

Look what you're getting.

[flat tone] Terrific.

A 75-pound bouncing wetback.

I haven't got you yet.

We still need three letters of reference.

Speaking of which, I've got mine right here.

Oh, good.

- Let's see here. - It ain't too bad. Listen to it.

"To whom it may concern,

Ed Brown is a fine, upstanding human being.

In my opinion, he would make one of the finest foster parents

any child could have.

He is truly one of nature's noblemen."

[sarcastically] Oh, Della, you know me so well.

That's a great letter, Aunt Della.

Thank you for writing it.

Well, writing it was easy.

- The hard part is going to be signing it. - Yeah.

And while I do, maybe you should stand over here

in case a bolt of lightning comes shooting down here.

Ed, what happened to that letter you were gonna get?

Ah, it's in the works, it's in the works...

He didn't get it.

I'll get it. I'll get it. Stop worrying.

All right, here you are, Nature's Nobleman.

- Oh, thank you. - And here comes nature's garbageman.

In person!

And these pearls of wisdom for the day...

Okay.

When all seems lost--

Terrific. I love it.

Where's the letter?

I got it right here in the garbage.

Good.

I bet this is a good one.

It ought to be.

Louie and I have been friends for over 25 years.

Go ahead, Louie, read it to 'em.

- "To whom it may concern... - [Ed] Yeah.

...I've known Ed Brown for a long time.

- Signed Louie Wilson." - Yeah...

That's it?

That's a letter of reference?

- Well, look what I had to work with, man. - Why, you--

All right, all right. Just leave it to me, Ed.

Come on in the office, Louie,

you and I got some creative writing to do.

Okay. And I tell you what, say some nice things about me.

Tell them how charitable I am.

- How big-hearted, how generous. - You got it.

Yeah. And if you use the phone, leave a dime.

Oh!

Just think, only one more letter...

- Yeah. - ...and I will be an official gringo.

Big deal. All that gets you is the right to pay taxes.

And the right to vote.

Yeah, for the people who make you pay taxes.

- Uncle Ed... - What?

You ain't gonna have any trouble

getting that third letter for the social worker lady, are you?

Are you kidding?

I've been living here for 30 years.

Everybody in the neighborhood loves me.

Ed Brown, you're a dirty, no-good bum!

- He must be from another neighborhood. - Yeah.

Well, Ramirez, it's been a lousy day so far.

You may as well stick around and make it a real stinker.

- Speaking of stinkers, this muffler you sold me... - Yeah.

- ...it's no good. - What's wrong with it?

- It's got a hole in it. - It's supposed to have a hole in it.

On the end, not in the middle.

Oh...

He's got a point, Uncle Ed.

Listen, you, if you're gonna live here,

remember, I'm always right, got it?

Okay.

What hole?

Good boy. You're learning fast.

Get out of my garage, you crook!

You're calling me a crook?

Yeah. Last year, you put one crummy washer in here

and you charged me $90, parts and labor.

That's because you called me on a Sunday.

You didn't show up till Tuesday.

You see? It was a three-day job.

Get out of my garage.

Gladly.

As soon as you give me a new muffler.

I have a written warranty signed by you.

- Where? - He's right, Uncle Ed.

It's signed "E. Brown."

Who's E. Brown?

- "Who's E. Brown"? - Yeah.

- You're E. Brown! - I'm Ed Brown.

I suggest you take this piece of junk

back to the place where you got it.

And demand that you get what's coming from this "E. Brown,"

whoever the hell he is.

You're gonna get what's coming to you!

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Get out of my garage, you Roto-Rooter reject!

- What did you call me? - Oh...

I'll write it out for you!

- Oh! You... - [indistinct shouting]

What in the world is happening out here?

- Eh, just another satisfied customer. - [loud clang]

- Well, you got the letter? - Oh, man. This is a gem.

Yeah? Will it get me the kid?

- This letter's so good, it won't only get you a kid... - Yeah?

... it'd get me 20 years for perjury.

Couldn't happen to a nicer fella.

Now all we need is one more.

Who we gonna get it from, Uncle Ed?

Listen, kid, better get over here.

I'm going to have to level with you.

I'm having a little trouble getting that letter.

Me too, Ed.

I asked everybody on my route.

Yeah? You mean they all said no?

- The polite ones did. - Well, that's...

You know, I had that same problem.

Then I finally figured out my mistake.

What was that?

I told them who it was for.

What...

- Hello, everybody. - [Della] Hello, Ms. Wilkerson.

[Louie] Hi, Ms. Wilkerson.

Buenos tardes, Raul.

Buenos tardes, Ms. Wilkerson.

Look everyone, it's nice Ms. Wilkerson

from the nice Department of Social Services.

Let's tell her the nice news.

- What nice news? - We got the three letters!

We did?

Sure, and here we are.

One, two.

Oops, I goofed. This one is two.

So this one is three.

So three letters.

He's my papa!

Un momento, Raul.

You see, I-I only have two letters here.

You lost one already?

Cute. Mr. Brown...

- [Ed] Yeah? - I just dropped by to tell you that your, your application

is being processed, and everything looks good.

- [Ed] Oh. - Now it's just a matter of that third letter of reference.

- Uh-huh. - Senorita, please, don't make any trouble.

I want Uncle Ed to be my papa more than anything else in the world.

- [Amanda] Raul... - Oh, stop worrying, kid.

Everything's gonna work out all right.

Tell you what, why don't you go down to the playground

and play with the other midgets?

Okay.

But when I get older and start having girlfriends,

I might have to get rid of you sometimes too.

How do you like that?

Now, look, Ms. Wilkerson--

Mr. Brown, I'm on your side.

I gave you the highest recommendation

I've ever given any applicant for foster parenthood.

- This must be her first case. - Will you be quiet?

And I'm sure you'll be able to get that third letter.

- In the meantime, why don't we just sit-- - Ed Brown!

Now you're gonna get it.

- [Ed] Yeah? - I just talked to my lawyer

and he says you're in a lot of trouble.

- Oh, you talked to your lawyer, huh? - Yes!

How would you like a little conversation with this?

- Your fist don't scare me. - It doesn't, huh?

Maybe if I attached an optional accessory.

- Huh? - Mr. Brown, what are you doing!

[indistinct shouting]

[Amanda] Stop that, right this minute! I want... Stop it!

Get out of here, I'm telling you...

If he comes in here again, I'll kill him!

So all I have to do now

is get another letter to prove I'm a nice guy.

Mr. Brown, you almost struck that man!

Yeah, I missed him. He moved too fast for me.

I'm shocked. I had no idea you had such a violent streak.

What are you talking about? What violent streak?

Haven't you ever wanted to slug a plumber?

- That's beside the point. - Eh!

Mr. Brown, would you ever strike a child?

Is he a plumber?

- Mr. Brown. - What?

Of course, I would never strike a child.

- Thank goodness. - Except in self-defense.

That is not acceptable.

I-I'm sorry. I mean, it says... It says right here.

- Here. Let me help you, honey. - It says...

In our regulations, it says, "Corporal punishment,

that is, spanking, is not permitted under any circumstances."

That's stupid.

Uh, Ed means it lacks wisdom, honey.

No, Ed means it's stupid.

Whatever happened to that old adage,

"Spare the rod and spoil the child"?

Why, I even think it's in the Bible.

Well if it is, it's been superseded

by Section 6001 of the Operations Manual,

of the Department of Social Services.

How do you like that, Margaret?

You can now tell him he's being rewritten.

That ain't in the Bible.

Well, it ought to be.

Well, I-I'm sorry.

I mean, our, our first concern is always the child.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to report all of this to my superiors.

And that may mean a reevaluation

of your application for foster parenthood.

I'm sorry.

You ought to be sorry, you little squirt.

You...

Hmm.

I mean, you talk about stupid.

You said it, of all the loudmouthed troublemakers.

You're absolutely right.

I pity the poor guy who marries her.

[indistinct]

Ed Brown, how could you say those things to her?

You know you'd never hit little Raul.

Yeah, spanking is old-fashioned.

Nowadays, you gotta talk to kids.

Well, sometimes talking doesn't mean anything.

It's like driving a car.

You never really learn your lesson

until you've been rear-ended.

I saw the Social lady drive away.

What's the good news?

Not so good news?

Rotten news, huh?

Uh, Louie, come on.

I think Ed and Raul wanna talk a little bit. See you later, baby.

[Louie] Yeah.

What happened?

Well, kid... [sighs]

I might as well tell you the truth.

It doesn't look too hot.

But why? We are made for each other.

You need me.

You're all alone, you could die of loneliness.

Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's the only way to get a good reference.

You know, after you die, people always say nice things about you.

- Wait a minute! - [groans] What?

- You don't have to die if you don't want to. - No?

I'll get you that letter.

But how?

Aunt Margarita, who is a saint that takes care

of this kind of stuff?

The one that puts good ideas in your head?

That's a smart idea.

That saint ain't a saint for nothing.

I'll get you that letter, Uncle Ed!

I'm gonna get that Ed Brown this time!

What do you mean, "small claims court"?

I want to get him in "big claims court."

You seem to forget, counselor, that I--

What are you doing here?

Mr. Brown sent this over to you.

Free, for no money.

Hold on a minute, counselor.

He sent me this muffler?

Si. He said to me,

"Raul, take this brand new muffler

to that nice Mr. Ramirez and tell him I apologize.

Signed Ed Brown."

I can't believe it, I can't believe it.

Here's the proof, senor.

It's not a trick?

It's not gonna make my car blow up?

Do I look like a hitman?

Counselor, about suing Ed Brown,

drop the case.

Who would ever think Ed Brown would do a decent thing like this?

Tell him I appreciate it.

Mr. Brown will be very happy,

and he wants absolutely nothing in return.

Positively.

Uh-oh.

- Nothing. Good. - Nada.

- However... - We're back to "uh-oh."

All right, what is it?

Mr. Brown will hate me for asking,

but there's this very fancy club.

- The Mooses. - The Mooses?

And to get in, he needs a letter of reference

from some big-shot citizen.

Someone who knows a lot of important people.

Why, that's me!

I put in all their toilets!

What do you want me to say?

How about this?

"Dear to whom it may concern,

Mr. Ed Brown is a very noble man.

He is honest, he is simpatico..."

Am I going too fast for you?

Not unless you want me to get a pencil and paper.

- Good thinking. - Come on.

- I wish we had a dictionary. - What for?

To use classy words like magnifico, fantastico, stupendo!

Far out!

Maravilloso. Simpatico.

[laughing]

Here you are, Ed.

You sure you don't want me to lace this with some of your joy-juice?

Make you feel better.

Oh...

I'm too miserable to take a chance of feeling good.

Hey, maybe I ought to talk to that, uh,

lady social worker again, huh?

Oh, please, Ed, your talking is what's got us

in this mess in the first place.

Why don't you try something completely different for you?

- Like what? - Total silence.

Are you saying I have a big mouth?

No, but if the Grand Canyon ever needed a place

to stay, baby--

Now listen you, I've had enough of that--

- [Ed] What's the matter? - Here's Ms. Wilkerson.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Good afternoon, Ms. Wilkerson.

Ah, good afternoon, my dear!

And may I compliment you on your lovely frock?

Hmm... What's the good news, girlie?

[sighing]

Not too favorable, I'm afraid.

You see, this matter of corporal punishment

- is really quite important. - It is.

And I have instructions--

- Uncle Ed, Uncle Ed! I got the letter! - What? Yeah?

Ah! Senorita, how lucky you are here.

Here's the third letter.

- Well, it's not a matter of-- - Read it, read it, read it!

- "To whom it may concern..." - [Ed] Yeah.

- "Dear Whom..." - Dear Whom?

- "Ed Brown is a great guy, especially for a gringo." - Yeah.

"And I think he would make one terrific Moose."

"Terrific Moose"?

"He's upright and true,

loyal and blue, and lots of other good stuff too."

Hey, that's pretty clever, kid. Whose name did you sign?

"Signed Hector Ramirez, plumber."

Hector Ra--

Hector Ramirez?

Hector Ra... [laughing]

That's funny!

Ha ha! That's funny! Ha ha ha!

That's a good one.

- Well, this is a nice letter, Mr. Brown. - [Ed] Yes, yes.

And it says lots of good things about you,

but I'm afraid my instructions are quite clear.

We cannot approve a foster parent who would spank a child.

Why not?

- My real papa believed in spanking... - [Ed] Yeah.

...and look how I turned out. Perfect!

The kid is absolutely right.

Now, let me ask you something.

Didn't your papa ever spank you?

- Oh, Ed, sit down, sit down. It'll make it easier. - What? Why should I sit down?

- What? - Much easier for you to put both feet in your mouth.

Ah.

Ed Brown. Ed Brown, mi amigo!

[speaking Spanish]

[in English] Did you get my letter?

What's with this "amigo" business?

- What letter? - To be a Moose.

- Was it okay? - Senor Ramirez!

- Hmm? - I think I smell smoke coming from your store.

- [exclaiming] - [Ed] Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just a minute.

Are you trying to tell me that you really wrote that letter?

Of course. That's the least I could do

after you send Raul with the new muffler.

Well, of course, I always give the...

I did what?

Hey, where do you think you're going?

For a short walk. I'll be back in a few weeks.

Never mind that. Get over here.

So, you gave him a brand new muffler, huh?

Brand new, for which I thank you.

Yeah...

Hey, you stole a muffler, huh?

No, I didn't steal.

Don't lie to me!

- You stole it. You stole it. - I borrowed it.

- I took it. - You stole it.

I stole it!

But it was for a good reason.

I wanted that third letter from Mr. Ramirez so I could be your kid.

That's right, Ed. And besides,

you know Ramirez was entitled to that new muffler.

I decide who's entitled to what around here.

And you, you're entitled to a spanking.

- Now, get over here. - [Amanda] A spanking? Oh!

Ah, there's no excuse for stealing.

No reason at all.

Ever, ever. You got it?

Oh, si, I got it good.

So now there's no reason to spank me.

So why not forget the whole thing, okay?

Back here. Come on over here.

- Mr. Brown! - Shut up. This is between me and my kid.

Ooh, ow! No, it hurts!

Please. No. Ow!

Ow-- That's funny. Uncle Ed!

- What? - You either got bad eyes or a short arm.

Or a good heart.

- Yeah. - You couldn't bring yourself to hit him, could you?

Of course I could.

How do I know my tennis elbow was gonna act up

at this point?

Ed Brown, you have never played tennis a day in your life.

All right, so I have a carburetor elbow.

What's the difference? What do you want from me?

- Senorita? - Si?

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

- [in English] Hot dog! - "Hot dog."

This I understand.

Now what was all that Mexican yadda de yadda de yadda de?

Wonderful news.

The senorita is saying, "Take me. I'm yours."

[indistinct]

Does that mean that Ed gets the kid?

- Ah, Mr. Brown... - Yes.

You've fulfilled all the requirements.

- He's yours. - Oh, good, yes.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

Well, as my people say since I moved into this neighborhood...

- Ole! - Ole!

Ole!

Now what's with the "ole" here?

Now that I'm your father, there's gonna be some new rules around here.

You'll make your bed every morning.

You'll spend an hour on your homework,

and you'll take a bath every day.

Boy, I didn't know being an official kid

would turn out to be such a tough job.

Hey! What was that for?

I just wanted to show you I can do it.

- And you're next! - Oh, wait a minute!

[indistinct shouting]

[Della] Don't do that!

Wait!

[grunting]

Well, you happy now, kid?

There it is. Front and center, where everybody can see it.

How about that, huh?

Well, that's the way it should be.

It says right here on the foster parents' license,

"Post in a prominent place."

I love it.

I am now an official foster gringo, in black and white.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hold it, hold it. Where do you think you're going?

To church.

I'm going to say a prayer of thanks to my saint.

- Oh? - [kisses]

[chuckling]

Say, maybe I ought to try one of those prayers.

I should pray to Margaret that she forgives me for what I've done to her.

Huh? What have you done now?

Are you kidding? After 40 years of marriage,

I've just become the father of another woman's child.

[Jack Albertson] Chico and the Man was recorded live before a studio audience

at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born In El Barrio♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly For something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey All right ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah♪