Original subtitles

[man] One, two A one, two, three and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't So hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend A helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good In everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun If you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will For Chico and the Man ♪

["La Cucaracha" playing on radio]

[song stops]

[in Spanish accent] What's the matter? You got something against music?

Only if it's Mexican.

Can't you people sing about anything besides cockroaches?

Hey, I get an idea.

Why don't I go out, come back, and we'll start all over again?

- Good morning, Uncle Ed. - Don't call me "Uncle Ed."

It didn't work. No "good morning," just yelling.

All right, all right. Good morning.

But don't call me "Uncle Ed."

Why do you have to keep calling me "Uncle Ed"?

In my country, "uncle" is a term of respect.

Well, if you want to show me some respect, don't call me "Uncle Ed."

All right, Uncle Ed.

Will you stop that?

[Raul] Boy, you're mucho crabby today.

It's okay. I understand why.

It's because you're so worried about me,

because I'm a poor little orphan

with no mama and no papa, and I'm all alone.

And my back is wet from sneaking into the country.

And you don't know what to do with me.

I know what to do with you, but there's a law against it.

- You know what I think? - What?

I think, deep down, you really want me to stay with you.

I don't want you to stay with me.

Okay. So what are you gonna do with me,

besides yell at me?

- How do I know? - When you're gonna know?

- When I make up my mind. - When you're gonna make up your mind?

When are you gonna stop asking all those questions?

As soon as I find out what you're gonna do with me.

So what are you gonna do with me?

Oh, go play in your junk pile.

Good morning!

Good morning!

[Ed] Ah, double trouble, huh?

Well, how's everything going?

Have you made your first million in junk yet?

Please, Louie, not junk, "anti-cues."

Hey, perhaps I could interest you

in a few classy items.

- Like what? - Wanna buy a yo-yo?

This is only a half a yo-yo.

My mistake. Wanna buy a yo?

Well, [chuckles] I'll have to think about it.

Senora Della?

Yes, Raul? What can I do for you, baby?

How about this beautiful "anti-cue" clock? Half price.

It has no hands on it. How am I gonna tell the time?

Use your watch.

Raul, Louie and I want to have a little talk with Ed.

- Have you had any breakfast? - Only once.

Good. Then why don't you go over to my truck

and help yourself to something to eat?

Should I bring something back for Uncle Ed?

[Della] No!

Sorry, Uncle Ed. I guess you're just not lovable like me.

Hey, how come I can't get any breakfast?

Because I want you to use your mouth

for talking instead of eating.

Ed, we've got to decide what to do with little Raul.

I've already decided, he's not staying with me.

But the boy is crazy about you, and he's got to have a home.

Well, I hope he finds one, but not with me.

What would happen if I picked up

every Mexican kid I met?

You'd learn to speak Spanish real good,

and you'd be a hit with busboys all over America.

I didn't ask you.

- [Della] Ed... - Will you stop calling me "Ed"?

Listen, if you're so crazy about the kid,

why don't you take him in to live with you?

[Della] He doesn't want to live with me.

I do not know why,

but the boy says he wants to live with you.

And besides, he needs a father image.

Oh, I'm too old to accept that kind of responsibility.

Oh, come on, Ed. You ain't that old.

No? Last week, I laid down in the park,

they started throwing dirt over me.

Well, you look pretty spry to me.

Come on, Ed. This is your last chance

to keep from ending up a lonesome old man.

Yeah. Raul will give you something to look forward to other than Forest Lawn.

Well, at least in Forest Lawn,

the neighbors keep their mouths shut.

I'm back.

- [Della] Did you eat something, baby? - Uh-huh.

Well, did you talk the old guy into letting me stay here?

No, they didn't.

Keep trying.

Well, baby, I gotta go back to work right now,

but I'll come back over later on,

and I'll talk to him again, hear, honey?

- Okay. - All right, baby.

- Me too. Bye, Raul. - Adios.

You know, I'm starting to think maybe you don't like me

as much as I like you.

Now, listen, kid,

just because I don't want you to live with me

doesn't mean I don't like you.

I love the Dodgers, but I wouldn't want them to live with me either.

No. So, uh...

Besides, it's very expensive raising a kid.

You know how much it costs to raise one these days?

No problem. I don't have to cost you nothing.

You got a Swiss bank account?

No, but you can get money from the government to take care of me.

There's this kid down the street, Pedro,

his papa gets money to be his papa.

Oh, you mean the Hernandez kid.

- Si, Pedro Hernandez. - Yeah.

But his papa's name is Foster.

No, no. His papa's name is Hernandez.

Pedro said he was his Papa Foster.

Oh, you mean he's a foster papa?

That too. That's why he gets money.

- I see. - How about it, Uncle Ed?

I'll bet I'm worth $10, maybe $15 a month.

You're looking at a human gold mine.

I'm not interested in investing in Mexican gold mines.

You don't even want to talk it over with Margarita?

- [Ed] Who? - Aunt Margarita.

The lady you talk to when you think nobody's listening.

Her name is Margaret, not Margarita.

She was my wife, not a drink.

I'll bet you loved her a lot.

When you talk to her, you don't sound like yourself.

You sound nice.

I always sound nice.

Only with Margarita, because you love her.

Sometimes, I think you love me too.

What gives you that impression?

Well, at night, when you think I'm asleep,

you touch my head and pull the blankets around me.

That's because I don't want you to catch cold and sneeze

a lot of Mexican bugs all over me.

Oh, is that the reason?

Yes, that's the reason.

Okay, okay, don't excite yourself.

I'll go to school, then when I come back,

we'll talk about it.

Come back here.

You can't go to school. You're not even registered.

They don't know that.

They think I'm bussing in from a rich neighborhood.

[sighs] How do you like that, Margaret?

Now the little crook is stealing English lessons.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha... ♪

[vocalizing]

Oh, look at that mess over there.

What do you say, old buddy? Where's Raul?

Out. Which is where you're gonna be if you start up with me.

Oh, come on, Ed. You'd make the kid a real nice father.

So why don't you think it over?

- Think it over? - Yeah.

Okay.

I thought it over. Get out.

Excuse me.

Um, I'm looking for a Mr. Ed Brown.

He's right over there, lady.

Yeah, I'm Ed Brown. Uh, what can I do for you, girlie?

I'm not "girlie." My name is Amanda, Amanda Wilkerson.

And I'm with the Department of Public Social Services.

[Ed] Oh, well, if you're here for a donation,

you'll have to see my accountant.

What are you talking about, your accountant?

I'm your garbage man!

Okay. Donate a little garbage.

Mr. Brown, my...

My office received a call today about a Raul Garcia.

Raul Garcia?

They've discovered I'm harboring a wetback. Here.

- Yeah. What about him? - Then you know him?

Well, only socially. We met at a couple of parties.

Well, the person who called today said that a Mr. Ed Brown, you...

- Yeah? - ...were extremely anxious to become

the foster parent of this Raul.

Oh! That's good news!

Shut up.

Who... Who made this call?

Oh, we don't know.

The caller said it was, um, "Anonymoso"?

"Anonymoso"?

Hi, Uncle Ed.

Hey, come back here, Mr. Anonymoso.

Is this a lady from--

I'll ask the questions.

Did you call her?

Would you believe me if I said no?

- No. - In that case, maybe.

Don't lie to me, Chico.

Okay, I called.

- Why? - Because you wouldn't.

There... There seems to be some confusion here.

No confusion.

Excuse me a minute.

[whispering] Watch what you're saying to her.

You're gonna blow the whole deal.

What deal?

I found out from Pedro you can get more than $15 a month for me.

I'm not interested.

How much more?

Lots. And this isn't pesos. This is a real thing. Bucks.

And you'll get back some of your tax money.

I don't make enough to pay taxes.

Well, yeah, that's even better.

You can get back somebody else's tax money.

- Senorita? - [Amanda] Yes.

Uncle Ed would like to know how much money

he's going to get to fosterize me.

"Fosterize" you?

Oh! Oh, fosterize,

as in to become your foster father.

That's cute.

Yeah. How much does he get?

- Well, that depends. Mr. Brown? - [Ed] Yeah.

- For children 9 to 11, the state pays $236 a month. - Yeah.

Twelve to fourteen, it's $257 a month.

And for those 15 and over, it's $282.

We'll take the $282.

Well, you don't look 15 years old to me.

I don't?

Oh, somebody shaved off my mustache!

Now, can we start?

Uh, these are just routine questions. It won't take long.

Well, I'll give you a routine answer. Get out.

Is this... Is this child residing here?

And stay out.

I take that to mean you are caring for him.

- Is that correct? - That's correct.

- It is? - Yes, sir, lady.

Well, then, if I may quote, "Let it be known that

to engage in child care without a license,

child care being defined as the act of housing and feeding,

is or shall be construed as a violation

of the Section 16000

through 16018 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code."

What does that mean?

It means, Mr. Brown, you could go to jail.

What? Why, you...

Let me at her...

[indistinct]

I'll get him.

Ed, what are you doing in there?

Come on out of there!

[Ed] I'm never coming out of here. Never. Never.

He said he'd be right out.

[both speaking Spanish]

Well, how about that! You speak Spanish!

Yes. I'm taking a course.

I already know over 500 words and phrases.

Yeah? Well, does that include, "Who stole my purse?"

What? Oh! Oh, that was a joke, wasn't it? [laughing]

- Not in this neighborhood. - Oh.

Well, now, uh... Now, let's get on with this.

I'll need some information about your mother and father.

My mama and papa, they are dead.

- Oh, good. - [Louie] Good?

Oh, I... I didn't mean good, as in, uh, whoopee.

It's... It's just that there's a lot less red tape this way,

and you can become a foster child that much sooner.

The sooner the better.

- What else do you want to know about me? - Well, let's see--

I guess you already figured out I'm a wetback.

I sort of suspected that, yes.

- Well, we'll get to that in a minute. Right now-- - [door opens]

Oh, Mr. Brown, there you are.

You're still here?

Oh, could we please get on with this?

It's getting late.

Right. And I never adopt children after ten o'clock in the morning. Goodbye.

- Ed, you're making a big mistake. - I am?

Yeah. You got a chance to do something for the kid,

and for yourself, and for me.

For you?

Sure! One more mouth in here, more garbage for me.

Well, if you run out, Louie, I'll buy you some more garbage.

Oh, look, Ed, if you won't do it for the kid,

think of Margaret. What would she say?

Okay, Margaret, you want me to answer the lady's questions?

Okay, you got it.

But please forgive me if you don't like some of the answers.

Okay, girlie, I'm all yours.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Let's begin at the beginning.

Ah, Louie. We begin at the beginning.

How about that?

And they say the government isn't efficient.

Mr. Brown, I sense strong hostility on your part,

and I'm the type of person who cannot function well

under such circumstances.

He didn't mean nothing, lady. He was just making a joke.

Ha, ha.

I didn't say it was a good joke.

All right. Question number one, your name?

My name is Brown, Ed Brown.

I'm the fellow you came to see, remember?

- Middle initial? - I don't have one.

Uncle Ed. Don't get her mad.

- Make one up. - [Ed] Shut up.

- No middle initial. - No.

- Number two... - Yeah.

Have you ever committed a criminal act?

Is throwing a social worker out of my garage a criminal act?

Uncle Ed, why don't you go up and take a bath?

I'll answer the questions for you.

Listen, this is just for grownups.

Why don't you go outside and play.

Dance on a hat or something.

I gotta protect my future. I'm staying.

All right, all right, stay, but stop interrupting.

- Now, where were we? - [Amanda] Uh, your health.

- [Ed] Health, what about it? - [Amanda] How is it?

Oh, it's perfect, lady. I'm in perfect health.

I never-- [coughing]

Oh! Mr. Brown, are you all right?

Can I get you something?

Yeah. Get him a cow, honey. It goes good with the bull.

When was the last time you saw your doctor?

When was the last time I saw my doctor?

Yesterday, he was driving by and I went "hi..."

[speaking Spanish]

- Comprendo. - [in English] What? What? What'd he say?

He says perhaps I should come back later

when you're not so tired.

He says that's why you're acting a little strangely.

Strange? I always act strangely. Get out of here.

Now, have you got anything about mental health?

- I'm coming to it. - When you get to it, the answer is yes.

Well, that does it. Now, you just hold it right there, Mr. Brown.

Hey, what are you doing here? Get off my property.

Your property? This is my property. I'm your landlady.

Okay. Get off of your property.

Oh, get out of my way.

Lady, please, do not pay any attention to the stuffing

that this jive turkey is trying to hand you,

because none of it's true.

Except maybe the part about him being a touch crazy.

But other than that, he's a nice guy.

Yeah, lady, that's true.

You see, I know because I pick up garbage,

and he's got the best can on the block.

Don't listen to them. What do they know?

They have no taste at all. Why, they even like each other.

[overlapping chatter]

I gotta say something.

Excuse me, I gotta--

[blows whistle]

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Mr. Brown... - Yes.

I appreciate a joke just as much as anyone,

but you're not trying to be funny.

- What you're trying to do is screw up. - [Della] Uh-oh.

Mr. Brown, you are a fink.

- How true. - Lay it on him, baby.

Sir, do you or do you not wish to become Raul's new father?

He does. He does. He loves me.

Shut up. I don't love you--

Well, is that true? Do you love him?

- [mumbling] Well, I... - I didn't hear you.

I said I like him. I like him.

Well, if you like him, what's the problem?

What's the problem, she wants to know.

What's the problem?

Lady, you've got a college degree,

you should know all the answers.

Somebody's saying, "Here. Here's a little kid. Take care of him."

What do I know about things like that?

What if I fail?

What if this kid turns out to be a delinquent,

a dropout, a bum?

Yeah, and all because somebody said,

"Let Ed Brown be his father and mother."

Come here, kid.

I got to level with you.

You can do a lot better than me.

I don't want better. I don't even want good. I want you.

Besides, I'm not only old, I'm single.

This kid needs a family.

Mr. Brown, there are precedents.

You hear that, Uncle Ed? There are precedents.

What's precedents?

Look, why don't I leave this application form with you?

Why can't the kid just hang around?

Why do we have to make it so official?

Well, Mr. Brown, as you know, Raul is an illegal alien.

She means I crossed the border without a license.

I know what she means.

And only if he has a legal foster parent

approved and licensed by the state

will the immigration authorities allow him to remain in this country.

You get the picture, Ed?

They will send the child back to Mexico.

I don't want to go back to Mexico!

I want to stay here with you. Please, Uncle Ed?

Give me the papers.

You won't be sorry, Uncle Ed.

You're making a real smart move.

Yeah. It's smart moves like this that made me

what I am today.

Yeah, and I'm real proud of you, Uncle Ed.

Don't call me Uncle Ed.

Right. From now on, you're Uncle Papa.

Oh, no. Call me Uncle Ed.

I'll come back tomorrow for the application.

And, oh, by the way, you'll notice on the form,

you'll need three letters of reference, which should be no problem at all.

- You've got two right here. - [Ed] Two? Where?

Me and Louie.

If you can't lie for your friends, who you gonna lie for?

I'm going home to write mine right now.

Wow! Congratulations!

And you ain't gonna be sorry you did this,

you gonna be glad! [laughing]

Well, that's all the information I need for now.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

- Bye. - Adios, Raul.

- Adios. Senorita? - Yes.

Muchas gracias.

De nada.

- Uncle Ed? - Yeah?

- What do you want? What? What? - Can I give you a hug?

- No. - Please?

All right. You can hug me, but don't get too close.

Why not? You're my papa.

Oh... [indistinct]

Hold everything.

Don't count your chickens.

We're liable to lay an egg here, you know.

They're looking for three references.

Don't worry, I'll write the third one.

Oh, okay, then we're in business there.

- Go upstairs and wash your face. - What for?

How do I know?

Don't all fathers tell their kids that?

Go on up there.

- [Raul] I am going. - Okay.

Well, Margaret, you happy?

I got me stuck with a kid.

Means I'm gonna have to hang around a little longer.

Afraid it'll be a few years before I get up there.

Thanks a lot, Margaret.

Me too. Muchas gracias, Margarita.

Hello? Hello?

Yeah, Pablo's restaurant?

Yeah. I wanna make a reservation for two.

7:30, yeah. You got a table for--

Good. Good. The name is Brown...

What? Yes, from Ed Brown's garage. You--

What do you mean, all of a sudden you haven't got a table?

Because why? Well, that's ridiculous. I always leave a tip.

Listen, can I help it if your joint is so dark

that a quarter looks like a nickel?

Look, you got a table for me or not?

No, huh?

Tell me, if the mayor walked in,

would you have a table for him?

You would, huh?

All right, I just talked to the mayor and he said he's sorry,

but he can't make it tonight, so hold the table for me.

Yeah, I know it's an old joke, so give me an old table.

What do I care?

Okay. Okay. I'll tip on the way in.

I'll see you in half an hour.

Hey, kid, come on. Hurry it up. We haven't got all night.

Un minuto, Uncle Ed. Just hold on to your hat.

Well, how do I look?

What's with the tie? We're just going out to eat.

But it's a special occasion.

It's our first dinner together as father and son.

Not so fast. I haven't signed the application yet.

Okay. It's our first dinner together

as almost father and son.

- Okay. - Where are we going?

We're going to Pablo's El Torino restaurant.

It's the finest Mexican restaurant in town.

Oh, good. I love foreign food.

[announcer] Chico and the Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born In El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time In the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving For knowledge ♪

♪ His belly For something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey All right ♪