Original subtitles

[theme song]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he aims so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and the Man ♪♪

[car horn honking]

Hey, stop that.

[mumbling]

This is a garage, not a traffic jam.

Nice of you to show up, Brown.

- Fill her up. - Fill her up, he says.

You got to be kidding.

I sell gasoline, not embalming fluid.

[clatters]

Mm-mm.

Hm.

Brown!

[Ed] Oh, what now?

Come over here.

What's your problem?

Look, what do you see?

I see a cup of coffee.

Nah.

Not a cup of coffee.

Half a cup of coffee.

You want a full cup?

Yes!

[whistling]

Now, get out of here!

With pleasure!

[speaking in Spanish]

[engine cranks]

Hey, hold it, mister! Wait, yo!

Yo!

Alright.

And the next time you come in, stay out.

Ed, you almost let that guy drive off

with our only gas pump.

Your people are always trying to steal something.

You're just saying that 'cause I stole your heart away.

Ahh.

♪ Stock your cans up side by side ♪

♪ Old Louie's here to take you for a ride ♪♪

How've you been, Louie?

Hey, did you check into the banquet hall for Ed's party?

Yeah, Chico, I rented the corner Miranda room

down on Alberta Street.

And it can hold fifty guests.

Well, that's 48 more than we'll have.

Good morning, gentlemen.

[indistinct chatter]

How are you doing on your invitations?

Well, so far, I got two "maybe's."

One, "you got to be kidding," and six, "not on your life's."

You know, maybe we better not tell everybody

it's a party for Ed.

Let's them it's a lynching.

Yeah, and I'll cancel out the corner Miranda room

and get a rope instead.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, hey, what is this?

A garage, or union meeting home?

No, we're talking about your party, birthday boy.

I'm not your birthday boy and I'm not going to that party.

Well, we'll have a better time that way

and the whole gang will celebrate without you.

What gang? Who's coming?

Well, it's going to be a small but select group.

Let me see that.

Only two names on here, and they're both "maybe's?"

Well, we're trying to keep it intimate.

Well, you can cross O'Brien off

'cause I owe him 40 dollars.

You can take out Pattison because he owes me $30.

Ed, if you're going to keep on scratching off names

there ain't going to be nobody's name on there left

but Chico, Della and me.

Who invited you?

We're the co-hosts.

Oh, boy, some party.

Three co-hosts and no guests.

Well, I'm not going to that party, do you hear?

I'm not going to that party.

Oh, yes, you are going.

Please, pass a miracle

so these unfortunates can hear again

and you can strike me deaf, so I don't have to listen

to them anymore.

I don't understand you, Ed brown.

Why can't you be happy?

You have a gift not given to many.

You've lived a long life.

Turtles live longer.

Did you ever see a happy turtle?

Ed, turtles are born with shells, you grew one.

Yeah, that's right.

And on you, it looks terrible.

- So, don't look! - I won't.

And, Della, you just cross my name off that list

'cause I ain't going to be there, bye!

[Ed] Get out of here.

Well, are you happy now?

Well, I admit things are looking up.

Well, I'm going to make your day complete.

You can cross me off, too, Chico.

Oh, good, now we're down to one host and one guest of honor.

Chico, may I suggest that your main course be a bucket of oats

because your guest of honor is a jackass.

Hey, you!

You can cancel that cake, I'm on a diet!

I'm not going to any birthday parties.

Why, Ed, why? Why won't you celebrate?

Why? Because at my age, you don't celebrate birthdays

you mourn them.

No disrespect, sir, but why can't you make people

realize that growing old is nothing to celebrate.

Hello!

Is anybody here?

Yes, sir!

Don't you know that you never refer

to a non-commissioned officer as "sir?"

I remember that.

I am Private, First Class B.J. Foster

United States Army, retired.

Also, I'm a friend of Ed brown's.

Now, I assume that he is alive and kicking.

No, just kicking.

I'll tell him you're here.

Hey, Ed, a friend of yours is here to see you.

Got to be an impostor, I don't have any friends.

[chuckles] It's me, Ed!

Foster!

Foster, what? Fo...

Blinky Fos...

Blinky Foster!

[both laugh]

How are ya?

Hey, wait a minute.

It can't be you, I read in that veteran's bulletin

that you died two years ago.

I read that, too, but I didn't believe it.

Oh...

Well, they said in your obituary you had a heart attack.

Yeah, I did, but the medics attacked right back

and now with my new pacemaker, the old ticker

is ticking better than ever, huh?

- Mr. Foster, come, sit down. - Oh, thanks.

Meeting a friend of Ed brown's is not only a pleasure

it's a rarity.

Oh, Chico, get me my bottle and a couple glasses.

Oh, no, no, no, not for me, thanks.

I can't touch a drop since I lost one of my kidneys.

You lost a kidney?

Oh, now. Don't look so shocked!

Ed, ah...

The old transplant is doing just fine.

- Ah... - Something wrong with your leg?

Well, it's not mine yet.

I'm taking it out for a little test hobble.

One of those new aluminum jobs.

Blinky lost the original at Anzio.

Yeah.

Now, tell me, Blinky what are you doing in L.A.?

Well, we're here to visit my wife's folks.

They haven't met my new leg yet.

[both laughing]

Hey...

Didn't I hear that Agnes passed away

about seven or eight years ago?

That's right, she did, poor dear.

Then I married Merry Elden.

She passed away two years ago.

But Summer is 37, so I figure

she has a few years left before she pops.

Did you see that, Ed? Did you see that?

What, what happened? His arm fell off?

No, no, here's a man with a pacemaker, a kidney transplant

an alumin... A tin leg

and he still can smile, doesn't that tell you something?

Yeah, it tells me he's definitely

not going to be in the next Olympics.

That is where you're wrong, Ed.

I'm entered in the 50 yard limp.

[both laughing]

Ah. Please, tell me how a man

who has gone through so much can still be so happy?

Who says I'm happy?

What I am is cheerful, there's a difference.

And, if, uh...

Uh...

Who are we talking to?

You're talking to God, Ed's always bugging him.

Who says I'm bugging? He never complained to me.

Sure, that's because you bug him so much

he won't even talk to you.

Well, I have got to hop along and take Summer to lunch.

Why don't you join us, Ed?

Oh, I'd be delighted!

But, uh, only on one condition.

Oh. I am picking up the check!

That's the condition.

Well, I got to go upstairs, put on a formal sweater.

I'll join in about five minutes.

Uh, Blinky?

Listen, you're an old friend of Ed's

so I feel like I can speak freely.

Uh, I'm kind of worried about him.

Why?

Well, you could say it's a cost of living.

With Margaret gone, the price is too high.

Oh, that's too bad.

He was always such a happy kid during the war.

Well, sure, then he had an enemy to hate.

Now, he's got to settle for hating his friends.

Isn't there anything you can do to help?

I wish there was, but my name is Foster not Freud.

You know, we were going to throw him a birthday party

and everything, and he did everything he could to ruin it.

Don't you think you could change his mind?

Oh, look, Ed, if God can't get through to him

what chance has a mere angel like me, huh?

[laughs]

Hey, wait, wait, hold the phone, you just said it.

What did I say? I wasn't listening.

Every time Ed talks to God, it's a monologue.

Suppose one day, God was answering back?

God?

You have got to be joking.

No, I'm not, and I know you can do it with your voice.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me.

Even Rich Little doesn't imitate God.

I'm sorry, kid.

I say verily onto thee that thou can do itst.

Please, Blinky, give it a shot.

Oh, no, I-I could never pull it off.

Well, the only thing I ever had any success at imitating was...

...old soldiers never die

they only fade away.

Douglas McArthur, how much closer could you get?

You got it.

That is Douglas, I...

You know, maybe if I just...

Oh, no, no, no, no, we'd never get away with it.

Ed would not believe that for a minute.

Yeah, but it might shake him up for a second.

What can we lose? You take Ed to lunch.

By the time you get back, I'll have it all set up.

Okay, I'm ready!

Good, Ed!

- So is Blinky. - Oh, good.

[speaking in Spanish]

♪♪

The way I look at it, you know what I'm doing

you haven't struck me down with lightning

so, I figure I got the okay.

Oh, boy, Blinky.

I really got to hand it to you.

And old coot like you married to a young hot-blooded girl.

Hey, how do you keep up with her?

Oh, that's easy.

I just flick my pacemaker into over drive.

[car horn honks]

Hey, quiet down. Hey!

What's wrong with you?

I'm tuning the horn.

Oh.

Tuning the horn, well, knock it off.

I don't want to listen to the mating call

of a '60 Ford Chevy.

[indistinct chatter]

[car honks]

Will you, will you stop that?

I can't help it, something is wrong with it.

- It's stuck. - Oh, I'll fix it.

[Chico mumbling]

[indistinct whispering]

[electricity crackling]

Yeah, now the next time he wants to honk

he'll have to squeeze a goose.

My goodness, look what time it is.

I better hurry along.

Phyllis always blows her top if I'm late.

Phyllis? I thought your wife's name was Summer.

It is, ha, ha, ha.

Alright, come on, Blinky, I'll show you to the door here.

[Blinky] That's fine.

[Chico screams]

[Ed] What happened?

[all clamoring]

- Ow! - What is it?

Oh, ho, ho.

Hey, oh, what's the matter?

Are you in pain?

No, I'm howling because it's a full moon, man.

Let me see that. Let me see that.

Oh, how could you do such a stupid thing?

Stupid, it was an accident, man!

Don't call me stupid!

Alright then, you're dumb.

Dumb, huh? That does it, I'm packing.

Wait a minute, dumb is smarter than stupid.

You were right the first time.

I'm stupid for hanging around here, man.

I give you the best years of my life

I scrimp and save to make a nice garage for you

and what do I get for my trouble? Abuse.

Well, I'm tired of it. Do you hear me?

I'm tired of it!

What do you want, a raise or a divorce?

I don't any, I don't want anything from you.

You got it.

Listen, don't try to make up with me.

You're a rotten, mean, senile old man!

You left out "violent." Stay back!

Go ahead, go ahead.

Hit a one-handed defenseless man, go on.

I am not the pharaoh of Egypt

why have you visited me with this pestilence?

That's another thing, if you're going to keep

bugging God, I'm leaving.

Maybe he wants to hear it, but I don't! See?

Wait a minute, come back here, Chico.

Come back here, I want to talk to you.

Hey, stop that, come on in here.

Hey, Chico, let me in!

It's show time.

[Ed] Chico, open the door!

Remember, sir.

This is Chico's idea, not mine.

Ah!

I'll never understand that boy.

Have I really been such a monster to him?

[Blinky] Verily thou hast!

Holy.

[Blinky] Don't say it!

Is this thou here something?

I hear something, I'm...

Who, uh...

I did hear indeed.

I heard thy cries of pity

which have given me a stiff pain in the ears.

Oh, I need a stiff drink.

If thou persist in thy wicked ways

I shall close my gates of heaven

onto thee forever!

Oh, please, tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Chico Rodriguez is a sterling lad.

He helpeth other people at all times.

He keeps himself physically strong

mentally awake and mildly straight.

Uh-huh, yes, yes.

He is a good scout.

Barely.

Don't get naughty with me.

Oh, why not?

Thou has a great sense of humor.

Look, what thou has madeth.

The camel, the giraffe and even Louie the Garbage Man.

[Blinky] I say onto thee.

Thy friends, Louie and Della are noble and true.

They have, out of love, prepared a birthday celebration

in thy honor.

I command thus thee

goeth!

I-I'll goeth, I'll goeth.

[Blinky] Now, no more talking, Ed.

I must leave thee now.

Farewell, Edward.

Goodbye, sir.

I'll see you in church.

My son!

What's gotten into you?

I cannot tell you now.

But when I can, thou will be the first to know.

My boy!

- Hey, hey, hey, wait-- - My boy!

My hands still hurt. Come on...

Come on, move your arms.

Well, well, well, well.

So happy to see you all.

Enjoy yourself.

[indistinct chatter]

Have a good time, everybody.

Ah, Senor Lopez!

A little gift for you.

Oh, no, no, Brown.

On your birthday, gifts are for you.

Oh, no, you've already given me a gift, amigo.

The gift of friendship.

Bless you.

Ah, Mrs. Baliskas.

My favorite delicatessen lady.

Here is something for you, my dear.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

- Yeah... - Oh, I feel terrible.

All I got you was a two-pound salami.

But I shall cherish it forever.

Only if you keep it in the freezer.

Bless you, my dear.

And, Della!

Della, happy my birthday.

Oh, Ed, your religious experiences

made you into a new man.

Peace, may you live to be a 120.

With my arthritis? Forget it.

Into each life, a little pain must go.

Ed, you touched me.

All the pain is gone.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, shh.

Not so loud.

I'm not licensed to practice healing.

I can't hardly wait to see what is in here.

What is it? What is it?

I don't know, I'm going to... Hold that, hold...

Do you believe this?

A baby doll nighty.

He gave me a mood ring!

Yeah, what kind of mood are you in?

I don't know, Chico.

It's attitude must be done something

to me, man, because it's a sickly green.

[Della laughs]

You know, this is quite a novelty.

Seeing Ed going from center to sane

but enough is enough, Chico.

You've got to tell him what you've done.

Well, I can't, my medical insurance

doesn't cover stupidity.

Oh, Eddie won't kill you, man.

Yeah, but he might turn me into a pillar of salt.

Ah, my dearest friends, are you having a good time?

We're having a wonderful time, Ed.

Just stand right up here, and Chico's got something

he wants to tell you.

Excuse me.

Yes, my son.

Ed, uh...

You know what I've always liked about you

is your wonderful sense of humor.

Well, it is written.

There is a time for weeping and a time for laughter.

I hope this is the time for laughing.

Uh, Ed, you know, you're that rare, wonderful human being

that can laugh at a joke even if it is on him.

Yes, that is true, my son.

But you're perspiring, my boy.

Is it warm in here?

Only for some of us.

Go, go on, tell him, Chico.

Uh, forgot the punch line.

- Well, I remember-- - Never mind, Louie.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪♪

[Chico] Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

[indistinct chatter]

- Now, Ed, Ed? - Yes, my dear?

Close your eyes and blow out the candles.

Close my eyes and blow the candles?

I shall do that.

- Ready? - Make a wish.

One, two, three.

I did it!

[cheering]

[all] Speech, speech, speech!

Speech, speech, speech!

Speech.

My dear friends, I want to thank you all for joining me

on this happy occasion.

But, most of all, I want to thank someone

who has turned my life around and made all this possible.

Thank you, sir.

[Blinky] Thou art welcome.

And front and center, hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!

He talks to him like that?

Ed, you-you knew, huh?

From the very beginning, I've heard Blinky do

his Aaron McArthur a hundred times.

And it's still lousy.

I'm sorry, Chico.

Here, Ed. Here's the good spot.

[all laugh]

Oh, no, no, no, Chico. I'm not sorry to you.

If you went through all this trouble to get me

to come to my birthday party

I have to thank you.

And as for Blinky, well, you may have put the idea in his head

but he put the idea in yours.

Then we're forgiven?

You're forgiven one and all.

And now, the first slice will be for Chico.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

[indistinct chatter]

[all cheering]

♪♪

Oh, thank you so much, Della.

- It was very sweet of you. - I'm glad you like it, Ed.

I picked it out myself.

Ed, wait till you see what I got you.

- Yeah, I want to see that. - Hey, open this up.

Okay. Yeah.

What is it?

That's for old mechanics, it's a grease gun

with a telescopic sight.

Say, I got something for you, Ed.

- Yeah? - Louie, bring yours out.

Okay.

Oh, look at the size of it.

Oh, it's so big.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Hey, that's beautiful.

Let me see, what is that?

I monogrammed that.

Look at that.

EB?

Louie, did you steal this from Ernest Borgnine?

Ah, just what I need.

What are you doing?

Ed. Stop it.

Such nice gifts, you should be grateful.

That's right, Ed.

Not everybody has friends that would throw in

such a swell party!

I hate parties!

And I'm never going to have another one.

[man on speaker] Oh, yes, thou will.

[theme song]

[male narrator] "Chico And The Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the streets ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Alright ♪♪