Original subtitles

♪ One, two, one, two, three and... ♪

[theme song]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪♪

[humming]

- Good morning, Della. - Hi, Chico.

- How are you feeling this morning, baby? - Okay.

I just came over to borrow some coffee. We ran all out.

And you know how grumpy Ed is before he's had his first cup.

Yeah, almost as grumpy as he is after he's had it.

- Could you take the top off of this thing here for me? - Sure.

Listen, baby.

When Ed wakes up, I wanna ask him for a favor.

- So, maybe you better take him a couple of donuts too. - Okay.

Just reach in there and get 'em, I put a fresh box out ther--

- Did you take that? - Take what?

I just put a fresh box out there not two minutes ago.

- I ain't touch it. - I bet it's the--

Hey, you stop! Catch him, Chico, catch him!

Stop him!

[Chico] I got him.

I got him.

Slick, huh? Want me to call the cops?

No cops, I'm allergic.

Did you rip me off, mister?

Certainly not.

I always pay... when I'm caught.

How much do I owe you?

Well, there are five of them missing, that'll be $2.

Forty cents for a donut?

You're a thief.

Listen to him, there's the kettle calling the pot black.

What?

Sorry.

Come on, now, two bucks, two bucks.

Do you take credit cards?

No, I do not.

Well, in that case,

I'll have to return when I raise the cash.

Oh, say, buddy,

can you spare two bucks?

Will you get out of here?

Well, I hate to eat and run, but...

Get out of here.

You're just gonna let him get away like that?

Oh, that poor old soul, let him go.

Listen, here are the donuts for you.

And be careful, this coffee is hot.

Okay. Della, you are a saint.

Well, now, if that's official

thank you very much, Pope Chico I.

Chico. Chico.

Well, don't just stand there.

Where's my coffee?

Don't you even say good morning?

Why should I lie?

[groans]

Wait a minute, before you drink, let's drink a toast.

- To what? - Another victory.

- What victory? - You woke up again.

I had nothing else to do.

Ahh!

Now, I can face the world with a smile.

Don't do that, nobody would recognize you.

Come on, Chico, am I really that much of a sourpuss?

Well, let me put it this way,

some people come in a room and it lights up,

you come in like a burned-out bulb.

Why can't you be more like Della?

She's such a happy, helpful, cheerful person.

Do you know that she just handed a bum six donuts?

Here.

What did you do, eat the other four?

- Not me, some other bum. - Oh.

Hi, Ed.

Hey, how's that donut?

Why don't you ask the donuts?

I'd rather ask you something.

Are you familiar with S.O.Y.?

You mean, Hobsoy the laundry man

who performs acupuncture on my shirts?

- Yes, I know Hobsoy. - Wrong "soy."

I mean S-O-Y, it stands for "Save Our Youth."

We are helping homeless children.

- Don't you wanna help? - I've already helped.

I adopted "The Cisco Kid."

[Spanish accent] Si, senora, that's very true.

You see, this man took me off the street, gave me food

shelter, clothing, a job.

Maybe, someday he'll even give me a salary.

Come on, knock it off. I pay you a salary every week.

[normal voice] Oh, is that what you call it? I thought it was a tip.

- Ed, I'm not suggesting you take in another child. - Yeah.

I just want you to come to our fundraising dinner.

$100 a plate?

Does that include seconds?

It's a charity.

It's a rip off.

For a $100, I get two plates.

An upper and the lower.

Come on, Ed, you'll enjoy it.

It's gonna have some very important people there.

John Wayne, Mayor Bradley, Rosey Grier, Doris Day.

I wouldn't pay a $100 to sit on Doris Day's lap.

[mimics Groucho Marx] How about John Wayne's lap?

Or is that where Doris Day is sitting?

You hush, Groucho.

Ed, I'm not trying to get you to spend anything.

It won't cost you a dime.

Well, the price is right.

I'm inviting you.

You are inviting me?

Yeah, how about it? Will you be my date?

Your date?

Well, a lady needs a partner on the dance floor.

There's gonna be dancing?

Of course.

And we are gonna dance together?

- You and me? - Uh-huh.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter with him?

Ed, it will be great. You'll have a lot of fun

rubbing elbows with all those big shots.

John Wayne, Rosey Grier,

Doris Day, and what elbow she's got.

Yeah. No, I can't go.

I just wouldn't feel comfortable in a black tie.

Nah.

Are you sure that's your reason?

Of course, it is. What else?

Well, my guess is it's not just the "black" tie.

I thought you'd outgrown all of that, Ed.

I take back my invitation. Goodbye.

- [Chico] Oh, Della, wait. - Oh.

Man, how do you keep your socks dry

as much as you put your foot in your mouth?

See, that's the problem with these people,

they don't get what they want, they blame it on prejudice.

And the Lord knows I'm not prejudiced.

What are you doing?

I don't wanna be near you when the lightning strikes.

Please, fans, here comes the can!

Hey, Louie. You're late.

Yeah, I know I'm late.

But you know something, Chico,

time really flies when you're reading

such interesting garbage.

In that case, Louie,

I may have something for you.

Here, browse through this

while I talk to my mechanic.

Chico?

Chico, I got a great idea.

Why don't you go over and ask Della

to ask Louie to take her to the dance?

He's a good dancer. Isn't that a good idea?

I don't know if it's good, but it's certainly bigoted.

What do you mean bigoted?

These people like to be together.

That's why they always crowding into those ghettos.

Ed, you're a constant education to me.

I guess that's why Gladys Knight doesn't have any white Pips.

Oh, well, don't you think it's a great idea?

You know, that Louie wouldn't have any social life at all

- if I didn't take him bowling once a week. - Okay.

- Tell me something, when you guys go bowling... - Yeah.

- ...do you use separate but equal alleys? - Well, we--

- Get out of here. - Does he get nine pins?

Well, Louie, what do you see in my can?

- Romance. - Romance?

- That's right, romance. - Romance.

- Now, this blown-out radio tube... - Yeah.

...and this toggle switch,

three feet of wire,

and a cigarette butt with lipstick on it.

Yeah, you got something going on with The Bionic Woman.

You know something? You are a bionic idiot.

- Get out of here. - I will.

And take your can with you.

Uh-oh. Wait a minute.

Louie, put that can down.

Come on over here.

How would you like a nice, warm cup of coffee, huh?

Just sit right down over here. Make yourself at home.

- You know what, Ed? - What?

Your moods change faster than the San Francisco weather.

You know something?

Chico and I have a big surprise for you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Ed, how did you find out it was my birthday?

Well... What? Birthday?

Oh, well, it just happened to be a lucky guess.

Well, guess again, my birthday ain't till August.

10-4, Bernie.

And on the way in tonight,

will you stop by Adele's dress shop and pick up my gown?

[woman on radio] 10-4. All over you, Mother Courage.

This is Care-free 24-44. Out like a trout.

- Hey, Della. - Hi, Chic.

Can I borrow another cup of coffee?

If it's for you, help yourself.

But if it's for "The Man," he won't like it, it's black.

He can always add little cream, can't he?

Don't tell me he's changed his mind about integration.

Oh, Della, forgive it.

He's going through a hard period in his life.

His mind's shut down for repairs.

Oh, this brew sure smells good.

Ah, reminds me of our good old friend Louie.

It's warm, friendly...

And dark.

Yeah.

Well, poor Louie,

he lives such a drab life.

Do you know what his idea of fun is?

He brushes his teeth, goes down to the bus stop

and counts Volkswagens.

Whatever turns him on.

Yeah, uh...

you what will give old Louie a real charge?

His own bench at the bus stop?

No, to got to that big party with you.

Are you putting me on?

If Louie could meet his all-time favorite football hero

Roosevelt Grier in person,

he'd think he died and went to the Rams locker room.

That's his idea of heaven.

Oh, honey, you can just forget that.

I could not possibly take Louie Wilson

to an affair like that.

Why not? Are you ashamed of him?

Um, well, no, um, um...

It's not that I'm ashamed of him.

It's just that Louie comes from a different background

and he wouldn't fit in with that crowd.

Oh, you can't con me, Della.

What you are really saying is you'd be embarrassed

to be seen in public with him, isn't it?

Oh, it's not me that would be embarrassed, Chico.

It's poor Louie. I mean...

I, well, I mean, the man would be so...

- Mm-hmm. - ...so uncomfortable.

I mean, can't you see where I'm coming from?

- Yes, snob hill. - Say what?

You are as big a bigot as Ed Brown.

Oh, Chico.

As a matter of fact, you're worse. You're a hypocrite.

You know, you talk about all this brotherly love

and charity and equality.

When it comes to practicing what you preach, you cop out.

Thanks for the coffee, lady.

Okay, Louie, drink up.

- Ed? - What?

I'm really touched.

I ain't had a birthday party in years.

Well, I didn't say that was the surprise.

I know you didn't, you sly old fox.

- 'Cause if you had, it wouldn't have been an surprise. - Yeah.

But, look, I want you to know, Ed, that is the thought that counts.

But you don't have to have no party for me.

Oh, well, in that case, I won't give you a party.

- Goodbye, Louie. - Huh?

Finish your coffee and get out of my garage

before I call the cops and have you arrested for loitering.

You see, Chico? That's what I get for treating him like an equal.

Serves him right.

- Good morning, Mr. Wilson. - Morning, Della.

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Wilson.

Um, I've been thinking about you.

And, um, what an honor it would be

to have you take me to the Save Our Youth dinner.

Are you talking about that $100 plate fee bag?

That's the one.

Oh, so, that's why you called me Mr. Wilson this morning.

No, I don't think so.

[Della] Ah, Louie, I want you to be my guest.

No, Della, I don't want to be going to no party like that.

Why not? Are you ashamed of your station in life?

Ashamed? I'm proud to be what I am.

A sanitationist.

[Della] Well, good for you because it's an honorable profession.

It's not an profession. It's an art.

And I was born to it.

My granddaddy was a garbageman.

My daddy was a garbageman.

And so were both of my uncles.

Everybody in my family is in garbage.

Except my sister,

and she came as close as she could.

She married a poor white trash.

Why don't you come with me?

We'll eat nice steak

and we'll dance to the music of Lawrence Welk.

Della, that ain't no dancing, that's sleepwalking.

Now, Count Basie, that's dancing.

Yeah.

You tell me the truth, Louie.

Now, deep down in here

you got something against white people, haven't you?

Look, honey, I got nothing against no white people.

As a matter of fact, I could've been a white myself years ago.

But my mama turned him down.

Look, honey, why don't you ask Ed?

He's got some pretty good rhythm for a honky hothead.

Goodness, what a thing to say.

I thought Ed was your friend.

He's my token pain in the neck.

I heard that, you token rat.

Look, Ed, never mind.

Della, I wanna apologize for popping off the way I did.

- I was out of line. - No, Chico, you were right.

You made me think.

I tell you the truth, unfortunately,

Black is not always as beautiful

as we would have it to be.

Well, maybe now you'll stop complaining

about me being prejudiced.

You? I gave up on you years ago.

You are too old to change.

- But I'm not. - Oh, good.

Then, how would you like to go to that dance with a handsome,

dark caballero?

- You? - That's right.

I speak two languages, have a wonderful sense of humor

and dance divinely.

Oh, that's awful sweet of you to volunteer, Chico, but...

if I showed up at that affair

with a fine young stud like you...

everybody would say, Della was so desperate

she had to buy herself a hanky-panky pet.

I got my reputation to think of.

If I had your reputation, I'd forget it.

Ed, I mean, really,

don't you think I've had enough rejection for one week?

Hey, there...

Why do you have to go and say things like that?

Hey, Della, he didn't...

Ed, would like to have half of my dill pickle?

I hate dill pickles.

Why, you even prejudiced against pickles.

Look who's talking about prejudice.

Honky hothead, huh, is that what I am?

Look, Ed, that's not prejudice.

That's just calling 'em like I see 'em.

How'd you like a tuna fish sandwich in your ear?

Hi, guys, I just picked up the cleaning.

Yeah? Well, now, pick up Louie and throw him out of here.

You guys are something else.

The only thing you agree on is hurting Della's feelings.

Look, Chico, I'm sorry about that

but I don't belong with them fancy folks

- I belong down here with Ed. - Yeah, I feel the same way.

I'll gladly be the dear lady's escort

but I'm afraid it's too late now.

Where am I gonna get a tuxedo at this hour?

You don't have to worry. Voila!

Look what the tuxedo fairy has brought you.

Hey, hurry up, Della!

- Oooh! - Do you like it?

Looking good!

Alright, what's the surprise? Come on. I'm in a hurry.

Stand right there and close your eyes.

Last time I did that, somebody stole my purse.

Just close them.

Hey, Ed, you're on.

[Ed] How am I doing?

Ahh!

Alright, Della, open 'em up.

Ed, what are you doing dressed up like that?

I'm the victim of a Mexican double-cross.

This is your date for the evening.

Come on, smile. Show her your dimples.

Dimples weren't in our agreement.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I already have an escort.

You mean I put on this monkey suit for nothing?

Hey, there you are, Della.

I changed my mind, Della.

Hey, you changed your clothes, too.

Well, I figured if Ed backed out, I'd back in.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Louie. - [car horn honks]

I think that's my date now.

- Who's that? - What?

Holy frijoles!

Rosey Grier!

Hello.

- Good evening, Della. - Hi.

- How are you? - I'm fine.

- These are for you. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, isn't that lovely?

A posy from Rosey.

Mr. Grier, may I say

you are the biggest thing that ever rolled in this garage

without a license plate.

Rosey, I want you to meet my friends. This is Ed Brown.

- How are you? - And Chico Rodriguez.

- How are you? - And this is Louie Wilson.

- Louie, how are ya? - Alright.

It's nice meeting you gentlemen. Are you coming with us?

No, no, we are the taxi squad.

Congratulation, Della.

You have a nice little team here.

Remember me, Rosey?

No.

Oh, look, I had two seats at the center

in the Colosseum back in 1970.

Where were your seats?

In my truck.

You see, I used to pick up the garbage every Sunday.

I really hate to break up this huddle, Rosey, but we should go.

- Goodnight, everybody. - See you later, gentlemen.

- Have a good time. - Wait, wait a minute, Rosey.

I need to say this, anytime you want to pump up your football

you are welcome to use my air hose.

Right, I'll remember that.

How about that?

- You know something? - What?

That's pretty darn clever of Della.

- What is? - Going out with Rosey.

Standing next to him, she looks like Twiggy.

- Hey, Louie. - Yeah.

As long as we're all dressed up, why waste it?

Why don't we go somewhere special tonight, huh?

Yeah, this calls for a place nice, smart,

elegant and sophisticated.

Right.

I'm going upstairs to get my bowling ball.

You guys sure know how to live.

Ed, it's after 1:00 a.m.

What are you doing? Go to bed.

I'm waiting for Della and Rosey to show up.

I thought we'd have a night cap together.

Well, they are not coming back here. Go to bed.

They're not, huh? What do you call that?

Quick, get me my bottle and couple of glasses.

I say, my good man.

Where's that lady to whom I owe two bucks?

Hold my wallet.

Gentlemen.

[theme song]

[male narrator] "Chico and The Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience

at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Alright ♪