Original subtitles

♪ One, two, one, two, three and...♪

[theme song playing]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪♪

Hey, Ed.

- What do you want? - It's very important.

I don't care how important it is.

You realize you're blocking the television set.

Get out of the way. I can't see a thing.

You're blocking the whole television.

Ed, this is important I gotta talk to you.

Not, don't turn that off. Turn it back on. I was watching "Mr. Ed."

Ed, how can you watch a talking horse?

Why not? I work with a talking jackass, don't I?

- What a coincidence. So do I. - Never mind.

Sit down, sit down. This is important.

- Okay. - Louie is downstairs.

He's about to let the people in for the charity sale.

So this is your last chance. You donating something or not?

I already donated the use of my garage.

That's all the Mexican Art League is gonna get out of me.

And I donated my services as auctioneer.

Maybe we could turn some of these kids into artists.

You got a better chance of turning

Billy Graham into a rabbi.

Ed, are you saying little barrio kids can't learn to paint?

No, they all paint. They paint dirty words

on walls on, on fences, on bathrooms, that's all.

You know, I would ask you to donate your head,

but we already have a Pet Rock.

Knock, knock. Knock, knock!

Knock, knock, knock? What's the matter with you?

Why aren't you knocking on the door?

- Who knocks on an open door? - Get outta here.

- [knock on door] - Who is it?

It's me again.

- Oh, man, forget it. - What's up, Salvador?

I came to tell you that for the auction, my boss Della

is sending over these beautiful suits from her late husband.

Who is now dead at the present time.

I see, okay. Hang 'em up downstairs, okay?

Take care of everything. Good luck!

- That Della is a beautiful person. - Certainly is.

Imagine that. Donating her husband's old suits.

- Yeah. - Doesn't that tell you something?

It tells me that she buried him in his underwear.

Ed, listen, you got a closet full of junk you never use.

Okay, now why don't you open up that big

beautiful heart of yours?

- Who said I had a big heart? - Nobody.

But when I'm desperate I'll say anything.

I mean, with the right encouragement, one of these kids

could turn into a great Mexican painter like

Tamayo, Diego Rivera, John Wayne.

John Wayne was a great Mexican painter?

No, but I wanted to get your attention.

I'm not leaving here till you give me

something decent to auction.

You know something, Chico?

You just graduated from pest to pain in the neck.

Come on. Just give me something, will ya?

Alright, I'll find something in here for you

I don't know what it'll be-- Ah!

Here's something right here. Brand new. I won it.

Where? In a Tiny Tim lookalike contest?

No. I won it at the world's Fair, 1939.

I used to serenade Margaret on this.

Yeah, no wonder she cut the strings on you.

No good. Hey, what's in the plastic bag?

Ah, the plastic bag.

Wanna know what's in here? This was Margaret's favorite dress.

And her favorite hat too.

- Don't touch it! - That's a beautiful outfit, Ed.

Beautiful? There aren't words to describe

how beautiful Margaret looked in this.

We used to go dancing, waltzing over the casino in Catalina.

Oh, she was so beautiful. So gorgeous.

Big dip we used to do back then.

Yes, sir, she was so gorgeous

that Lawrence Welk tried to drag her

behind the bubble machine.

I can believe it.

And I bet I'd bring the highest bid at the auction.

You would lose your bet.

Oh, come on, Ed, wouldn't Margaret

rather have somebody enjoying her dress?

Somebody does enjoy her dress. Me!

Well, but be truthful with yourself.

If Margaret was here today, she'd donate to a worthy cause.

She certainly would. She was very generous.

Do you know that our wedding she threw two bouquets

one to the bridesmaid and one to her mother.

Then don't you think she would donate the dress and the hat?

Yes. You know something. Margaret would say, "Here.

Take the dress." And then she would say, "Here.

- Take the hat." - Thank you, Margaret.

And I would say, "Give me back the dress and the hat."

And I say you should be ashamed of yourself

for not doing what Margaret would do.

You know something? You're a very sneaky young man.

Here. Take the hat.

Thank you, Ed. You're a wonderful person.

No, no, Margaret was a wonderful person.

I'm just your average sensational guy.

Ed, I know how much this stuff means to you.

Would you rather auction it off yourself?

No, I think I'll stay up here and watch the ballgame.

I don't think I could stand hanging around,

watching a lot of strangers bid on some

fond memories. It's too sad.

Margaret, Ed just did something nice

put in a good word from up there, will ya?

- Thanks, Ed. - Stop that.

- Hey, can I have a pickle? - No.

- Unh! - God, wait a minute.

Looks good, Salvador, keep it going.

You got it, Chico.

- Hey, Louie. - Where it's at there, Chico?

Hey, Louie, where'd you get this radio?

Oh, some little kid in the leather jacket

donated it to us, Chico.

I hope it don't belong to somebody we know.

Oh, no chance. He got it off a highway patrol car.

Hey, man, we're not selling anything that's stolen.

We're raising money for underprivileged kids.

And when I hand it over to 'em,

I don't wanna do it from a lineup.

- Excuse me. - Yes, sir?

Now this outfit. Uh, do you plan on offering it?

Right away. How does right now grab ya?

Great. I've been looking for something like this.

Hey. Ain't you Brad Rushton, the famous female impersonator?

You're right. Sorry I don't have an 8 by 10 glossy with me.

- You know the She-She club? - Yeah.

He is the head "She."

Uh...

Did you say you want to buy this outfit for yourself?

Oh, it's perfect for my new number. "Babes in Boyland."

Yeah, dandy. Well, uh, excuse me minute.

- Louie. - Yeah?

That guy's a female impersonator and he wants to buy that dress.

Well, let him buy it if he's got the legs for it.

Man, that was Margaret's dress, if Ed finds out

I sold it to a female impersonator he'll, he'll--

Is, uh, "massacre" the word your groping for?

No, massacre is too mild for what he'd do to me.

I tell you what, man, every time that guy

starts bidding on that dress, you raise the bid.

You got to wind up with that dress.

Okay.

But I may have to lower the hem.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

- Can we start the auction now? - Uh, right now.

Even as you speak. Uh, Salvador, the dress, please.

Alright, everybody, gather round

gather round, gather round.

Okay, I bid you good afternoon, and you bid me money.

We take credit cards, traveler's checks, personal checks

and we'll even take cash if you have the proper ID.

- Now, then. - I bid $3.

For what? I didn't start yet.

Now the first item that's gonna go

is this lovely Alice blue gown and hat.

Now what am I bid for this serenade and nostalgia?

- Six dollars. - Wonderful purchase, ma'am.

Oh, not so fast. I bid $7.

- Eight dollars. - Nice going, lady--

- Nine dollars. - I don't hear you, madam.

Because I didn't say anything.

Well, than the dress is mine for nine.

But I heard 10.

- I didn't hear nothing. - Neither did I.

I could've sworn I heard the gentleman

with the missing toupee say 10.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did hear a 10.

[Louie] Let's hear it again, 10!

- Sold! - Hold it. Hold it. 15!

Oh, are you're still here? Oh.

Well, I'm bid 15, do I hear a...

- Sixteen! - Oh, shut up. Keep outta this.

- Twenty! - Twenty-two.

- Thirty! Forty! - Thirty-five.

Why are you bidding against me?

Well, look, you ain't the only dude in town

with beautiful gams.

The dude with the beautiful gams has bid $40. Do I hear a 45?

Forty-two. That's my last bid.

- Fifty! - Sold!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's the matter with you?

Have those garbage fumes gone to your head?

- Sold to the man-- - I have another bid.

You said that was your last bid before.

I have a right to change my mind.

He certainly does have a right to change his mind.

Everybody in America changes his mind.

Go ahead, sir. Change your mind.

Ed, why don't you stay upstairs and watc--

Why don't you shut up? You're only the auctioneer.

This is a gentleman with a wallet.

Go ahead, sir. Open your wallet.

Come on, let's go, will ya?

[indistinct chatter]

All right! All right!

My absolute last bid is $54.

- Do I hear 55? - No, you don't.

- Yes, he do, 55! - Sold.

Are you gonna let this clown outbid you for a gown

that turned the head of every man on Catalina Island?

- You're right, $56! - Sold to the gentleman--

Ed, would you stay out of this?

Why don't you stay out of it? This is my garage.

- $57 dollars. - Never mind that.

Hey, hey, hey, you're the high bidder.

- Going once at 56. - 57.

- Going twice at 56. - 58!

Sold to the gentleman with a good taste for $56.

Uh, pardon me, Ed, but I believe this black gentleman bid $58.

Really? Well, I'm sorry I didn't hear him.

Anyhow, it's too late. It's now official.

Here you are, sir. Here's your dress.

- Thank you. Who do I pay? - Salvador...

Take the man's money and give him a receipt.

Come with me.

Hey, too bad, black gentlemen. But don't worry!

With legs like that you'll get something.

Hey, Louie. Come here. What's the matter with you?

Do you realize you were ruining the sale of Margaret's dress?

Uh, Chico, do you wanna tell him or should I tell him?

I'll tell him. You get behind him and hold him.

- Tell him what? - Ed...

You just sold Margaret's dress to an impersonator.

No. That's Rich Little?

A female impersonator.

- Who him? - That's his job.

Oh, I see. He's a cop of the vice squad, huh?

No. He's an entertainer at the She-She club.

At night he dresses up as a woman.

He's does, huh?

Well, he's not gonna dress up as Margaret believe me.

- Hey, you. - Yes?

- Give me that dress! - No, no, Ed, Ed.

[indistinct shouting]

Now, this next box of goodies is going as one item.

So if the price is right let's make a deal.

We have here a wash and wear bridal gown.

A naked Barbie doll for kinky kids.

Three argyle socks for that unusual friend of yours.

And for your car we have a little dog with arthritis.

His head does not go up and down

it's just stay stuck where it is.

[all laughing]

Hey, come on, Ed, slow down. That's your second drink.

Wrong, Louie, it's the third.

Louie, do you realize that somewhere out there

a guy who shaves is trying on my beloved wife's dress?

- Mornin', Ed. - Hi, Charlie.

Ed, uh, I got to talk to you.

If it's about the tickets for the policeman's ball

forget it, last year I was mugged twice

on my way to the ball.

No, I'm sorry to tell you this, but a Mr. Brad Rushton

has sworn out a complaint. I got a warrant for your arrest.

- Arrest for what? - Assault and battery.

You had to ask.

- It's a lie. I'm innocent. - Ed, I'm sorry.

I gotta take you down to the station.

Look, if you can go for the bail

you can be out until your arraignment.

I'm not going down to the station.

I hate police station.

I don't like police stations either,

but I show up there every day.

Now, come on, Ed, let's go.

Now, wait a minute. What're you gonna do?

Oh, no, you're not gonna put those things on me.

- I don't wear cheap jewelry. - Oh, come on.

Okay, now what am I bid for this lovely teddy bear?

- Eighty-five cents. - Eighty-five cents?

You got nerve, this teddy bear

was fondled by Annette Funicello.

Chico, please help me. Help me, Chico.

Hey, Ed, what's happenin'?

They're trying to arrest me and I'm innocent.

Oh, this isn't for beating up on Brad Rushton?

Oh-ho!

Charlie, you better take me out of here before I run into

another friend and wind up with 20 years and the electric chair.

You're on your way. Outta the way here. Come on, outta the way.

Well, what am I bid for a teddy bear?

[scatting]

[Ed] What made them think they can pull a thing like that?

I couldn't believe my own eyes.

Police brutality. That's what it was.

Hey, what happened, Ed? Did they beat you with a rubber hose?

Worse.

They wouldn't let me go to the bathroom.

Oh, come on, Ed, they let you go three times.

What good is three times when you have to go four?

Well, there's only one way to avoid going to that arraignment.

You gotta go down to the She-She club

and straighten things out with Rushton.

No way, I'd rather go to the arraignment

and tell them the whole truth. How he attacked me.

What was that?

H-ow he ran out of here without paying for the dress

and paying for the hat.

He paid me. I got the money.

What's the matter with you?

All money looks alike. Where was I?

[both] He was running out the door.

Yeah, so as he was running out the door, I ran after him

and I tapped him on the shoulder and I said,

"Pardon me, sir."

Uh, I said, "But would you return my wife's dress?"

And you know what happened next?

He turned around and he hit me.

And I fell down. My ankle still hurts.

I have to walk like this-- No, it's the other one.

What about the witnesses?

Will you stop with those interruptions.

You... What witnesses?

Those ten people who saw you knock the guy down.

Then we had to hold you back because you kept saying,

"Let me go. Let me go. I'm going to kill him.

- I'll kill him." - I never said "I'll kill him.

I'll kill him."

You know what I said? I said, "I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

That's what I'll do. I will tear him and I will knock his...

I was..."

Who are we kidding fellas?

Perry Mason couldn't get me out of this mess.

No, but, uh, Brad Rushton can.

Why don't you go down to She-She club and apologize?

Are you kidding? You want me to humble myself?

You want me to crawl on my hands and knees?

You want me to beg with him

to plead with him not to throw me in a jail

with all those riffraff and those

robbers and those drug addicts--

Yeah, and those muggers and cockroaches and politicians.

Yeah, yeah.

They wouldn't do that to me, would they?

You better see Brad Rushton it's your only chance.

My only chance?

- My only... - That's right, Ed.

Well, if it's my only chance. What am I sitting here for?

Well, I guess I'll go down there.

But, Ed, just don't lose your temper.

I never lose my temper.

I'll go right up to him, I'll tap on the shoulder

and say "Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind returning my wife's dress?"

And if he says no, I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

- [knock on door] - [Brad] Come in!

Mr. Rushton?

[gasps] What're you doing here?

Oh, excuse us lady.

We were told this was the weirdos dressing room.

- Sir! I am the weirdo. - Oh, uh...

Oh, Mr. Rushton, we're sorry. See we come in peace.

Yeah, you see, uh, uh, these are for you.

This for you. And so is this.

- It's from Cuba. - I have connections.

- Yeah. - Flowers and a cigar?

Well, we figure that one part of you would enjoy the cigar

and the other part of you would love the flowers.

Now, what Mr. Brown means is he's sorry.

- Yeah, didn't I say that?

- You were close. - Oh.

Thank you. Now excuse me I'm on in just a few minutes.

Now, that's cigar costs a buck and a half.

Ah, who cares? Easy come, easy go.

Oh, excuse me, sir. Could I flick your Bic?

Nothing personal.

Mr. Brown, after our last meeting

I don't want you near me with a lighted match.

- Oh, goodness. - Nothing personal.

Uh, well, what, what I-I came here for was

to apologize, I'm trying to say that

I'm sorry that I roughed you up.

I trust the judge will take that into consideration.

Why, did you hear what this mixed up, sick--

Ah, ah, see, what Mr. Brown means is--

What Mr. Brown means is clear.

He cannot tolerate the notion that there are lifestyles

in our society that do not conform to his.

Well put, you freak.

Well, like they say in the old country

"Now all the tortillas are on the table."

I don't care what they say in the old country.

I want my wife's dress back!

- Ed, take it easy. - I'm taking it easy.

I've got an excellent idea, Chico. Take it out of here.

I've got to slip into my gown. Excuse me.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why can't we be reasonable?

Just give me the dress back

and I'll buy you another dress brand-new.

[Chico] In any store of your choice. Bergdorf Goodman.

- Saks Fifth Avenue, I. Magnin. - Sam's Army Surplus.

The Beverley Hills store. See the sky's the limit.

Miss, it's just that Mr. Brown really loves his wife's dress.

What you don't seem to understand is

that I love the dress too.

- [Ed] Yeah, but-- - And the hat.

Yeah. What you don't understand is that I love my wife.

You mixed up whatever you are.

I'm not mixed up as you think, Mr. Brown.

I want you to know that I-- I would never

deliberately hurt your wife's memory.

And I will treat her dress with the same

respect that you treated her.

Oh.

Well, you know, you see, it-- it isn't you.

It's just anybody.

I never would've agreed to this auction

if I hadn't been conned into it by some fast-talking hustler.

- He means me. - Yeah.

I'll tell you what, If you give back the dress

I'll personally refund your money

I'll even throw in a great little ukulele

that Ed won at a World's Fair. What do you say?

Please, Miss Rushton.

- Mister. - Oh, sorry.

Well, that's a-- Oh, I beg your pardon.

What, what, I-- I wanted to say was...

I love, I love my wife and I loved her dress.

And I'm sure it means much more to me

than it could ever mean to you.

Please.

I guess I'll have to kill him.

Here's the dress. Keep the money as a donation.

Now, we have a show to do.

- We? - Yes, Mr. Brown.

The girls and I.

Why at this very moment, I'm about to go from Brad Rushton...

into...

Oh, darling, Tallulah Bankhead.

I need a drink. [laughsé\

Darling.

Oh, and then...

Just then...

Then I can-- I can switch and put on that marvelous voice

of that frail but lovely lady who loves

the wonderful season of the year

when the calla lilies are in bloom again.

Katharine Hepburn.

Isn't she simply divine? I hate her.

She's won more Academy Awards than I have.

[spits]

Poor skinny thing. Mmm!

Oh, Bette Davis.

I loved you in "Dark Victory."

I saw it 12 times. You realize that?

And do you remember me, Mr. Brown?

Oh.

When I asked the boys in the back room what they would have...

you said, "Marlena."

- She's great. - She's a he.

No, no, I mean Marlena Dietrich.

Oh, oh, well, thanks a lot and thanks a quid. Hmm.

Boys, I'll see outside, up front.

Come up and see me some time. Hmm, ohh, hmm.

Frankly, boys...

Frankly, boys, I've seen enough of you.

Ah, isn't she great?

- Yeah. Mae West. - Ah, no, no, Brad Rushton.

Uh, you know something, Mr. Rushton?

Maybe I've been selfish.

You know, uh, I was thinking that maybe

I was the only one who could enjoy this.

But it seems to me with your talent

you can make so many, many other people enjoy it too.

Here.

Uh, and watch out for the, uh, zipper in the back there.

Margaret had a lot of trouble with it.

You're quite a man, Mr. Brown.

And you're quite a lot of ladies.

Hey, hey.

Look, I just wanted to ask you something.

Uh, I wanted to ask you, Mr. Rushton

is there a Mrs. Rushton, I thought maybe I would

be able to sell her a couple of my old suits.

♪♪

♪ In my sweet little Alice blue gown ♪

♪ When I first wandered down into town ♪

♪ I was both proud and shy as I felt... ♪

Oh... He really put on a great show didn't he?

- That Brad Rushton. - Yeah.

Ah...

Hey, one thing though. You embarrassed me a little bit.

Trying to pick up that chorus boy.

Hey, man, anybody could make that mistake.

I thought he was Anne Margaret.

Oh, sometimes it makes you wonder.

Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out

that Flip Wilson was really Geraldine?

It would be even worse if we found out

Miss America was Bert Parks.

Yeah... well, anyhow, I sure showed you

a good time tonight, didn't I?

What do you mean you? Brad picked up the tab.

- It was all on the house. - Yeah.

But that's only because he wanted to apologize

for having me arrested.

Well, I hope you learned something from all of this.

I certainly did learn something.

I learned you can't judge people just because they're different.

All that counts is what kind of a person they really are.

And tonight I found out what kind of person you are.

You really want me to tell you?

Yeah.

Okay, come on upstairs and fix your nice warm saucer of milk.

Would you, uh, would you rub me behind my ears?

I'll even put a little kitty litter in your sandbox.

Oh, get out.

[Freddie] Chico and The Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the streets ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪