Original subtitles

♪ A-one, two, three and... ♪

[theme music]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪♪

Hey, Chico! Hey!

Hey, is anybody home here?

Are you still up there in bed?

Louie, give me a hand.

Ohh!

- Ed... - What?

I'm gonna change your groanin' into grinnin'.

Oh, yeah? Do me a favor, will you, Louie.

Put a dimmer on your teeth.

What are you so happy about?

Got us two tickets to the Rams game.

- Yeah? - Great seats.

This time they're inside the colosseum.

Are they?

Oh, my back is killing me.

Oh, come on, straighten up, Ed.

Can't straighten up.

When I straighten up like this

my hip goes out, see?

- Sit down, man. - Ooh!

Oh, maybe I am getting old, Louie.

- "Old?" - Yeah.

Oh, man, old?

That's just in your mind.

So is stupidity.

You... Ohh...

Uh-oh, that does it.

I'm taking you to see my chiropractor.

- Yeah? - That's right.

And you know somethin', Ed, he does such miracle work,

all the brothers call him, "Old Black Magic."

"Old Black Magic?"

What does he know about white bodies?

He ain't a skin man, he's a bone man.

- Oh. - Perfect for your head.

[Chico] Hey, Louie!

Hi, Chico.

Yeah.

- Hey, Ed... - Yeah?

I got those new gaskets we needed.

Yeah, well, I could use a new gasket myself.

- Ow! Oh! - Sit down, man. Sit down.

Aches and pains.

Not again. Come on, Ed. Snap out of it.

I can't. My elastic's shot.

That's why I'm taking him to see my chiropractor.

Fingers Feinberg.

Fingers Feinberg? I thought you said he was black.

Only on his mother's side.

With a name like that, he's gotta be good.

Sounds like a great idea, Ed.

Maybe Feinberg can fine-tune you.

There's only one thing to fine-tune me

and I've got it right here.

He keeps an emergency bottle around

in case an unexpected thirst drops in.

[choking]

You alright, Ed?

No, it's getting worse.

I'm getting too old to swallow.

That's a shame, the corner liquor store

will have to lay off two clerks.

I'm gonna get you on down to my chiropractor Feinberg

before his malpractice insurance runs out.

We'll be back in about an hour.

The way he's walking, you won't be back in a week.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Can I help you?

Yes, I am Anita Gomez.

You can tell me please where I can find Mr. Ed Brown?

Oh, he's not here right now.

But is there anything I can do?

Oh, no, I can't tell anyone but Ed.

I mean Mr. Brown.

Yeah, well, I'm Chico Rodriguez, I'm his associate.

Anything you tell him, you can tell me.

I can?

Yeah, we got no secrets from each other.

Oh, yes, you do.

Huh?

He is going to be the father of my child.

Who is gonna be the what of your whom?

- He is going to be the father-- - I heard you the first time.

[speaking in Spanish]

How do you think I feel?

There's gotta be some mistake.

You see, the... Let me explain.

The Ed Brown that lives here is a cranky, scrawny,

raggedy, gray-haired old man.

That's him.

- This is science fiction. - Oh, no.

It happen four months ago in Palm Springs

at the garage owner's convention.

Yeah, well, he was there.

Oh, he certainly was.

You see, I was a waitress at the hotel where he was staying,

and at 2 o'clock in the morning he calls for room service--

- And you're what he ordered? - No.

It was a bucket of ice and two ham sandwiches.

- And? - And a side order of coleslaw.

- And? - And...

Uh, because I was working so hard, I felt dizzy,

so Ed invited me to lie down on his bed and...

- And, and... - And...

I guess I must've passed out because when I woke up

it was morning and he was standing there

looking down at me in his "payamas."

Aha!

Now, describe those "payamas."

Ah, si.

They were purple with orange flowers.

And he had on his slippers, and he was wearing his hat.

That's him.

Ed, you animal!

[crying]

No, don't cry. Please, don't cry.

Oh, that butcher.

Look, Ed, now why don't you admit

that the doctor helped you?

Helped me? Helped himself to $20 of my money.

Yeah, but that was for cracking your back.

My back was cracked before I got there, why'd I need him for?

So was your head.

Hey, Ed, how'd things go at the doctor?

Oh, Chico, I'm a wreck!

- Oh, I better get him a chair. - Yeah.

I'm ready for the junkyard.

- Really? - Yeah.

I didn't think they towed a wreck to the junkyard

when his motor was still running.

Oh. What motor?

My battery's run down, my spark plugs are all burned out,

and I'm running outta gas.

That ain't what I heard.

Ed, do you remember the garage men's convention

in Palm Springs?

Of course, I remember that.

Where the any girls there?

Well, it was a convention.

We had a ball.

Get a load of the Fonzie from Sun City.

Uh, do you remember one girl in particular?

I think her name was Anita Gomez.

Anita, Anita, Anita.

Was she the girl who did the strip in the inner tube?

No, she was the girl who came to your room at 2:00 in the morning

with a bucket of ice, two ham sandwiches,

and a side order of coleslaw.

Oh, yeah, was-was her name Anita?

Yes, Anita Gomez, and she remembers you and your "payamas."

How come?

Uh, Ed, I'm gonna try and put this to you gently.

I wish you would, I bruise easily.

Ed...

[speaks Spanish]

That's Spanish.

Si.

And I don't understand Spanish.

Sue.

Say it in English.

Alright, but in English, it sounds even more ridiculous.

Anita Gomez is four moths pregnant,

and you're gonna be the father of her baby.

- I'm what? - A who?

What do you have to say to that, old Casanova

of the hot water bags, Ed?

It's a lie! I deny everything!

Me too!

Ain't nothing in the world could ever happen

like that to you, man. You kidding?

What kind of a crack is that?

I mean that the girl is either lying

or got you mixed up with some young stud.

'Cause for you to do the daddy trick

at your age is Mission Um-possible.

Did you hear that?

Why, you...

Get outta here, you black bald eagle.

Well, I'm gone, you Pink Flamingo!

[indistinct chatter]

How do you like the nerve of him?

Telling me I'm too old.

Oh, you think you're not old, Peter Pan?

Don't you remember what happened at that garageman's convention?

No...

I can't remember what happened 20 minutes ago.

Maybe I'm really getting old. I don't know.

Ed, did you do anything at that convention

that you're ashamed of?

[muttering]

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I guess it's time I confessed.

You're right, it's about time. Tell me.

Okay. But promise not to tell anybody.

It's that I once went into the hotel swimming pool

without rinsing my feet.

Did Anita Gomez come to your room?

Oh, probably. All your people are named Gomez.

And all your people are named Smith.

Yeah.

Listen to me, man. Did she pass out in your bed?

[sighs] I don't remember!

Ed, I am trying to find out.

Did she or did she not pass out on your bed?

I'm trying to solve a mystery.

Yeah?

Maybe the butler did it.

Excuse me.

Oh, who ordered room service?

You recognize her.

Of course, she's the one with the ice bucket

and the two ham sandwiches.

Then you do remember.

Yeah, I... Wait a minute.

What was she doing in your room?

Oh, no, I came to see you.

Only I felt faint, so I had to lie down.

Yeah. Again?

Ms. Gomez, can you stand there and say without a doubt

that this decrepit, falling-apart,

raggedy, moth-eaten old man--

I object!

That this antique of a man is the father of your baby?

Yes. I am terribly sorry about all this, Mr. Brown.

Oh, now, now, now, dear. Don't take it...

It's nothing to be sorry about, these things happen.

It's part of growing up.

Uh, Anita...

...let's say that Ed is the father.

Yeah, let's say that, it has a nice ring to it.

J-Just how can we settle this, just what is it that you want?

- Yeah? - $500.

$500?

That's a big tip for room service.

But that is What it will cost me to go away and have the baby.

[sobbing] I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Brown.

Oh, it's alright. You can call me Ed.

Uh, make it Eddie.

Uh, Ms. Gomez, how do we even know you're having a baby?

You can call me my obstetrician.

How dare you doubt the word of this charming young lady?

The mother of my child.

- Ed... - What?

Okay, let me see if I got this straight.

If Ed agrees to pay you the $500,

that means you and the baby will be gone forever?

- Yes. - Oh, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I won't hear of it, I'm a gentleman.

I'm gonna do the honorable and decent thing.

I'm going to marry this girl.

Marry her?

- Marry? - Yes.

I'm going to have a baby. Who said anything about marry?

[crying]

[indistinct chatter]

[horn honks]

♪ Ah, while strolling through the park one day ♪

♪ In the merry, merry month of May ♪

Well, hello, Martinez.

How are you, me boy? Top of the mornin' to you!

What's it gonna be this lovely day?

Fill 'er up, or a dollar, as usual?

Huh?

[whistling]

Son of a gun, you've changed so much!

I never heard Ed Brown whistle before.

Ah, that because I just discovered

that my whistle hadn't dried up after all.

Well, what's it gonna be, pal?

- Fill it up! - "Fill it up."

Two gallons.

"Two gallons."

Regular?

No, no, my stomach has been acting...

- Oh, gasolina? - Yeah.

Si, regular.

Oh, there you are.

- Ay! - Wha-wha-whoa, what happened?

- My back. - Your back?

It's as bad as my front.

Oh.

Oh, Brown, if only people were like Chevys.

Every year we can have a new model.

Yeah. Well, let's not knock the old models.

I got a friend who's just about your age, only a little taller.

And he just got himself involved with a girl.

- Oh? - Yeah.

- How involved? - They're gonna have a baby.

- That's involved! - Yes, sir!

Now they're gonna have to get married.

Imagine having a baby at his age.

Your friend must be an amazing man!

Oh, he certainly is.

Just goes to show here, you can still light a fire

under an old pot.

Well, I see the thing's gone off here.

[Ed] How about that?

Give my congratulations to your friend.

He's an inspiration to us all!

You can say that again, he sure changed my life.

- Oh, what do I owe you? - What?

Ah, forget it. On the house.

My thanks to the house.

You're welcome.

[engine starts]

And drive carefully!

[Louie screaming]

Hey, man, what's wrong with that guy?

He almost hit me in the crosswalk.

What'd you expect? He's an old man.

- Hi, guys. - What do you say, Chico?

Oh, Chico, I'm glad you're here.

I gotta run out and pick up some stuff that I bought...

...for Father's Day.

So, if Anita shows up...

...tell her I'll be back in a little while, okay?

♪ While strolling through the park one day... ♪

Man, I can't get over it. Ed's gonna have a baby.

Ed's gonna have a heart attack.

What are you talking about?

El Grande Ripoff.

You mean there ain't no baby?

Oh, baby, si, but, Ed, no.

Holy guacamole!

I just talked to Morey Morton, Ed's roommate at the convention.

What did Morey say?

[laughing]

Unquote.

See, what happened is Ed was zonked out

when Maria brought the order to the room.

She passed out, like she said.

But Ed passed out right after her.

Now that sounds like our Ed.

Morey had to put him in his PJs and he slept on the couch.

He didn't move all night. Not one tiny part of him.

You mean our Don Juan Don didn't?

Absolutely nada.

Oooh-whee!

Oh, Ed's off the hook.

- He's free as a bird. - Yeah.

If we tell him the truth, he'll drop like a dead duck.

I gotcha.

If he finds out, he'll turn from dad to sad.

Sad? It'd be like the Six Million Dollar Man

finding out he got marked down to a buck and a quarter.

[laughing]

Excuse me again.

Oh, hi, Ms. Gomez.

Uh, Ed's not here right now, he just went out,

and Louie was just leaving.

- Aren't you, Louie? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

And if I see Ed on my way down to the dump,

I'll tell him to drop in.

Oh-oh, excuse my can.

I'm sorry I missed Ed.

I have been in church.

Oh, talking to a priest?

How many fathers are you lining up?

Oh...

I don't blame you for not trusting me.

But I will tell you the truth.

I know the truth.

- About Frederico? - Yeah, bu...

- Who? - My Frederico!

He was working in the hotel kitchen and we fell in love.

We were going to get married, but the immigration came

and pick him up-- they say he's an illegal alien, and--

- And they deported him? - Si.

And to get him back to get married costs a lot of money

for petitions and papers and lawyers.

Exactly 500 gringo pesos.

Si. Si.

So the Virgin Of Guadalupe made me realize

that I could not go through with this deception.

And Ed has been so sweet and kind and...

Do you believe me?

Anita, any friend of the Virgin Of Guadalupe

is a friend of mine.

Thank you, Chico.

Now all I have to do is tell Ed the truth.

Uh, no, you can't.

But I told you, he's not the father of my child!

- I know. - And it is Frederico I love and must marry.

- I know. - Then what you talking about?!

I'm talking about an old man who was all through,

finished, washed up, until you came in here.

If you take his baby away--

I told you, it is not his baby!

I know that and you know that.

But if we tell him, he'll turn back

into a decrepit, doddering old dodo.

But what should I do about Frederico?

Very simple. You marry him.

I'll get you the money.

Oh, you will? Thank you, Chico!

Uh, on-on one condition.

Ed must never find out he's not the father of your child.

Oh, but I cannot deceive him any longer.

You're right. From now on, I'll have to do the deceiving.

Hey, Chico! I was just out shop...

Well, Anita, my expectant bride. Hold this.

Here.

Have a cigar.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

[crying] Oh, excuse me, I can't stay here.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

What did you say to the mother of my child?

Nothin'. But she told me the story.

The true story of how it happened one night.

What happened?

Was I an animal?

No, but she said you were very romantic, warm and wonderful.

Of course, I always was.

So why was she crying?

Well, you better sit down for this, Ed.

- Okay. Yeah. - I got something to tell you.

You see, that mad, impetuous night of love...

- Yes? - ...was meaningless to Anita.

It was? What do you mean meaningless?

How could it be meaningless

when I was so warm and tender and romantic?

Yeah, well, you see...

...Anita was distraught and upset

because her true love Frederico

had been picked up by Immigration.

You mean Anita was unfaithful to me?

Ed, be realistic. She met Frederico

long before you ordered those two ham sandwiches.

Frederico's the one she wa...

That she loves and wants to marry.

But I'm the father of her child.

And it's that child you've got to think about.

I mean, can you give him what Frederico can?

A common heritage, a common background,

a common culture?

Sure. I'm just as common as anybody.

Ed, what are you gonna do when your baby

looks up at you and says... [speaking Spanish]

I'll stuff his pacifier with bean dip.

How do I know what I'm gonna say?

Don't you understand that you caught Anita on the rebound.

A child's entire future

shouldn't be based on one impetuous moment.

What do you mean "one impetuous moment"?

It was a whole mad night of love.

And two ham sandwiches.

Yeah, but don't you see, Frederico's better equipped

to raise the kid.

- Why? - He's young, he's Mexican.

Poor fellow.

- Anita loves him. - Yeah? Really?

Really.

Well, if she loves him...

...I guess she'll have to marry him.

I guess she oughta marry him. Yeah.

That's the least I could do for my son.

The future President of the United States...

...or Mexico.

- Ed... - What?

Well, there's just one problem-- to get Frederico

back into the country legally, that takes a lot of money.

Course it does. It takes a lot of money to get across the Rio...

Wait a minute.

That's why she wanted the $500, huh?

- You really think so? - Of course.

Well, maybe she'll be able to save it up in

seven or eight years.

What do you mean, seven or eight years?

My child needs a father now.

I'll give her the $500.

Oh, Ed, you're terrific!

No wonder Anita couldn't resist you.

Yeah! But only on one condition.

What's-- Anything.

That Frederico never finds out

that he's not the father of her child.

Wild horses couldn't drag the truth from my lips.

Good.

On second thought, I think we oughta make it 600

so the kids won't have to scrimp.

Where are you gonna get $600?

Well, let's see...

...Louie will give 300,

and you'll give 300.

And what are you gonna do?

I gave at the convention.

- The ring, please. - [sobbing]

[speaking Spanish]

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, by all means.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, we did it.

- Nice going. - Thank you.

Good luck.

Ed. Ed, how can we ever thank you for your generosity?

Well, I...

[speaking Spanish]

Oh, yes.

That's Spanish, what did he say?

Oh...

He said in your honor, they're gonna

name their first son Eduardo.

They are?

Oh, hey.

Oh, that's... Well, if you insist. I would...

And thanks for being the best man.

Ah, it was my great pleasure.

[Chico clears throat] What?

Oh, I mean, don't mention it.

- To anybody. - Yeah.

And when the kid's about a year old,

you can bring him in for a 5,000 mile checkup.

[male 1] "Chico And the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ All right, yeah, yeah ♪♪