Original subtitles

[theme song]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard ♪

♪ To understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪♪

♪♪

Hey, Ed.

Say, man, this is the last time we buy tires

from Sanford and Son.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

- Yes, can I help you? - Oh, hi.

Do you know where 1614 Sequoya Boulevard is?

Nancy?

Do I know you?

Nancy Juarez, don't you remember Xavier Cugat High?

Well, that's what we called it, too.

I was a year behind you but we had geometry together.

We did?

Don't you remember Mrs. Schaffer's class?

You had the third or fourth seat from the window.

And you moved every day 'cause that black dude

"All the Way, Calloway..."

Remember, he kept sneaking to your Beatles lunch box?

And siphon the jelly out of my donuts.

Yeah with his bean shooter.

Of course, how you been, Jose?

Wrong. Jose had the pimples. I'm Chico Rodriguez.

Chico!

Of course, Chico!

You were part of that motor cycle gang.

"The Burrito Bloomers."

The Burrito Bloomers was a girl's softball team.

- I was in the Barrio Boomers. - Oh, yeah!

- Vroom, vroom! - Yeah.

Well, actually we only had one motor cycle.

We took turns being tough. Come on in.

Sit down. Let's shoot. Let's talk a while.

- How you been? - Well--

How do you like geometry?

It was not one of my better subjects.

Yeah, but you passed cheerleading with flying colors.

And I used to love to watch your colors fly.

[laughs]

Thank you.

God, that was a long time ago.

I hung up the old pom-poms when I left California.

Well, you're back for good now?

Or did you just drop in to catch the next earthquake?

No, I'm back for good.

Right now, I'm trying to find my cousin Dolores.

She has a law office around here someplace.

This is right down the street. Dolo--

I remember Dolores. She was the tostada of the town.

She was voted "The girl most likely to..."

- To what? - Anything.

Come on, I'll show you where she works.

Excuse me a minute. I'll be back in a minute.

Talking to my boss.

Oh, I don't remember you being a particularly religious person.

No. Ed Brown, he owns the garage.

See, he's upstairs watching "The Mike Douglas Show."

Roy Rogers and Trigger are the co-hosts.

Oh-ho.

I thought Trigger was dead.

Yeah, well don't tell Mike Douglas.

Speaking of animals, whatever have happened to that

big dumb football jockey you used to go out with?

Oh, you mean that goofy muscle bound guy

with a street blonde hair that kept bumping into things?

- Yeah, the son of King-Kong. - Oh.

- Morgan Mackintosh. - Right.

I married him.

Great guy.

[chuckles]

Chico. Hey, Chico.

Hey! Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Ed, I gotta show Nancy where her cousin works.

But Roy and Dale are on.

They're gonna sing "Happy Trails" to Trigger.

Who's Nancy?

Where-where is her cousin?

[thuds]

Mice?

Hey, you!

What were you doing in there? That's my rest room.

I know, thanks.

What do you mean thanks?

I don't want you in there. That's only for customers.

What'd you do with my mom?

Now, listen little boy.

- I'm not a boy. - You're not?

Oh, you're a girl?

Does you mother know you go around dressed as a boy?

Sure. Where is my mommy's car?

Are you talking about that dizzie dame

that just ran off with my resident Romeo?

I'm sorry. You mean that nice lady was your mommy?

She was just here. Where'd she go?

Well, I wouldn't worry about her.

Everything gonna work out. Please don't cry.

- She'll be back. - Okay. Let's play.

Play? I don't wanna play. Here.

You wanna make a tent?

No, I don't wanna make a tent.

Why?

Because I was in the army for five years.

I saw enough tents to last me a lifetime.

Do you wanna play Slapjack?

I don't wanna play anything. I got work to do.

You sure have.

We'll help you clean up, mister.

Won't we, Teddy? Teddy says he'll help too.

I don't care what Tedsie says. I don't wanna play with him.

Now, you take him back there and leave me alone.

Morgan!

Morgan Mackintosh Jr.!

I've been worried sick.

I thought you were asleep in the back seat.

Teddy had to make a tinkle.

You must be Morgan.

You must be the resident Romeo.

- Thanks an inch, big mouth. - Yeah.

This happens to be Nancy Mackintosh.

- An old high school friend. - Hi.

Hi, I hope we haven't been too much trouble, Mr. Brown.

You certainly have been a lot of trouble.

You realize this kid was so scared

she wet her teddy bear?

I never saw a kid cry that much.

Oh, if you fib,

your nose is gonna grow big.

Come on, Morgan. Get in the car.

- Well thanks, Chico. - I'm sorry, Nancy. It's right--

[Nancy] Sorry, Mr. Brown, I'll do my best.

- Right on the corner. - Yeah.

How do you like that? She almost forgot her own kid.

Well, I guess they don't make mothers like they used to.

Now, wait a minute. Before you start in on Nancy, stop.

I had a secret crush on that girl in high school.

Yeah, well you stay away from her. She's a married woman.

She's divorced.

That's the worst kind of married woman.

Is that philosophy or stupidity?

No, that's life.

A divorced woman has only got one thing in her mind.

And that's grabbing a new meal ticket.

No, not Nancy.

She was always smarter that that.

She graduated with high honors.

Cum Laude?

I said she graduated with high honors!

Oh, shut up.

In my days, things were different.

People stay together no matter what.

Even if they were unhappy.

What's happiness?

People should learn to be happy without it.

Life is full of rottenness.

They should learn to share it with the same person

instead of getting divorced and re-married

and learning to live with new rottenness.

But, if there are only means new rottenness

why would Nancy wanna re-marry?

Because to a woman new rottenness

is better than no rottenness at all.

Ed, you're a one man ignorance epidemic.

Ah. I'm giving you warning.

That woman is gonna rope you hog tail and put her brand on you.

Mm. that sounds like fun.

♪♪

Happy Sunday to all!

Hey. Ed, are you there?

Hey, Ed, where are you?

I'm over here in the play pen.

Oh.

You know, I didn't see you in church today.

I didn't go to church.

Neither did I.

I guess that's why I didn't see you.

[laughs]

Hey, Ed. Where's Chico?

Oh, Nancy dragged him off to the zoo.

She's taking pictures of that new panda.

What new panda?

What's the matter with you, Louie?

Don't you read the newspapers?

That new female panda they send over from China.

- They wanna ma-- - Yeah.

Oh...

They-they want to, uh...

They put her with the male panda, you know.

They got him in the cage. You know, male panda.

And they put the two of them together and...

- Yeah. - Oh, it's too embarrassing.

Why?

They're both wearing fur coats!

And besides, Ed, you see, Nancy is a photographer.

She is on an assignment.

What kind of a woman makes a living going around

taking porno panda pictures?

Ed, she is a nice girl.

Nice girl? She's got Chico running around in circles.

You realize what he did yesterday?

He put a new fan belt in her car and didn't let her pay a cent.

Oh-oh, it always start with the fan belt

and then it moves to a garter belt.

Yeah.

And it winds up with a ring job.

- Now I know what's bugging you. - What?

You're afraid that Nancy's gonna tow Chico's

chassis out of your life.

Are you kidding? You think I need Chico?

He's not here now and look at the fun we're having.

Yeah, whoopee.

Hey, you've got some dip for these potato chips?

Yeah, I think I got something in the ice box.

And I sure hope ol' Chico gets back

in time to see what fun really is.

Where's that wrench?

You know, that kid is making the shambles of this place?

She doesn't have one normal toy to play with.

All she does is play Slapjack

with a bunch of lousy football cards.

And play with this crummy bear.

Look at him. His insides are coming out.

Yeah, you should have this bear picked up for

indecent exposure.

Louie, I guess with taping this bear

I'm gonna put some tape on your mouth.

[singing rhymes]

- What's happening, Louie? - Hey there, Chico.

- Louie, hi. Hello, Ed. - Yeah.

Here, Ed, I got you the last Mickey mouse.

Mickey? Oh, thank you dear.

But I really don't need a Mickey.

I already got a Goofy and a Dopey.

Well, folks I gotta go.

Oh.

Because, uh, best vision now.

And don't forget to say your prayers, little Morgan.

Toodaloo.

Bye, y'all, I'll see you later.

- Go on. Take it easy. - Bye, Louie.

Come on, Morgan. We gotta be going, too.

It was a wonderful day, Chico.

Yeah, not only for us.

I was proud to be there while animal history was made.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Why, Ed, they were two consenting pandas.

Ah...

You wanna catch a flick tonight?

Oh, I'd love to.

But my babysitter's busy.

You could go mommy.

- I'll watch TV with Ed. - Oh-oh.

No, Morgan. We can't impose on Mr. Brown.

You're right. I'm getting sick and tired of watching those

Three Stooges bop each other on the head.

Well, then watch the Rams and the Vikings bop each other.

- Is Harris starting tonight? - [Ed] What?

James Harris, the Rams quarterback.

I know who he is. Yes, he'll probably start.

If I know Foxy Knoxy, he's saving him for the 49ers game.

The Vikes will slaughter him.

Yeah, 50 cents says that

Harris will start and the Rams will win.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Ten football cards, says they'll fold.

Okay, wise guy.

Put your cards where your mouth is.

Okay then, buddy. They're in the car.

Mommy, could you let me across the street?

I think we found her babysitter.

Be right back. Come on, Morgan.

You! You miserable--

You're a big help. Now, you see what you've done.

You've stuck me with that little brat.

Well, you better get used to her, Ed.

Tonight, I'm gonna ask her mother to marry me.

Marry you?

♪♪

[commentator on TV] The score is tied with only 15 seconds to go.

Harris hand's off to McCutcheon.

It's a wide sweep to the left. He's down to the ten.

- Go. Go man, go, go! - Went offside!

- Go! Hey! - Went offside!

Went offside! Went offside!

[Ed laughs]

Quiet, you half-pint Howard Cosell.

Didn't you hear him? The mans-- the Rams won.

Okay, wise guy, get up the cards. Ten of them.

Okay, okay. Not so fast.

I have to choose.

Well, hurry up.

And I don't want any torn ones either.

Wow, this is really tough.

Well, pick out something.

Let's see that one. No, I don't want him.

I don't even like his perfume commercials.

I know. I'll give you the dupies.

Dupies? What's dupies?

Duplicates. My extra cards.

Here. I hope you don't already have these.

Well, let me see.

No, no, no, this team's been on the cellar so long

their cleats are getting rusty. I don't want 'em.

That's my daddy's team.

Yeah? Well, where's the picture of your daddy?

I'll get it.

I keep it in my private bear.

Private bear?

Oh, so that's where you keep 'em, huh?

Here's Daddy when he was with Oakland.

This is when he was with Oakland Raiders, huh.

And here's when he was traded to Dallas.

[Ed] Oh, he was with the Dallas cowboys, too, huh?

And here's where he's now. On the Buffalo Bills.

The Buffalo Bills?

Oh, I see.

Running back, huh?

Wow, Morgan Mackintosh.

I never heard of him.

He is a second stringer.

But if they let him start, he'd be more better than OJ.

- It's those dumb coaches. - Yeah, those dumb coaches.

What do they know?

Why, he sure is a nice looking fellow.

He has work to do on the team... far away.

But he loves me.

Oh, of course he does.

Who wouldn't, huh?

Eh, don't get me wrong.

You got your faults.

Sometimes, you're a terrible pain in the--

I mean, uh, sometimes you're a terrible person.

[horn honking]

Oh-oh!

Now, don't tell your mother that I gave you four Twinkies.

- I promise. - Okay.

If you give me an another one.

Shut up, you! Go to sleep, you...

- Oh. - That was a great drive-in.

Next time we go, we ought to watch the movie.

Oh, I hope everything went all right.

That little monkey can be pretty hard to handle.

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure Morgan handled him fine.

[Nancy chuckles]

You know what I never could understand?

Why you ever fell for a Big Mac

when you had so much to choose from your local Taco Bell.

I was a 16 year old cheerleader.

Swept over her feet by a football star.

That's the American dream.

Yeah, but you're a Juarez.

You're supposed to dream the Chicano dream.

Oh, when I grew up the Chicano dream was trying to

break into the American dream.

You must have felt the same way.

No. I never wanted to be anything but what I am.

A mad impetus guy.

Loveable, modest, handy around the house, good with kids.

Wonderful with kids.

Some day that boy's gonna learn not to mumble.

You know something, Chico?

You've made my homecoming so... happy.

So right.

Do you know what would make my new life complete?

- What? - An attic.

Okay, I'll go for that.

And a basement.

- Come here to me. - What?

You know, I never told anybody this

but, I'm a big basement man myself.

Oh.

I wanna put down roots.

I wanna knit sweaters.

Make jam.

- I love jam in my sweaters. - Oh.

I want a Thanksgiving turkey.

A Christmas tree.

A heart shaped box of candy on Valentines day.

Yeah!

And dozen red roses every anniversary.

Morgan? Morgan, wake up, wake up.

Come on, wake up. Wake up quick.

Atta girl.

Were you asleep?

No, I was watching the instant replays in my head.

Morgan, uh...

How would you like to come and live with me and Chico

and your mother of course.

You mean here?

Or are you gonna be traded to another garage.

No.

What I mean is, uh, we'll get a nice little white house

with a white picket fence

so we can keep all the neighbor's kids out of our yard.

- Are there gonna be kids? - Oh, lots of kids.

Gee! Can I have a best friend?

You can have anything you want.

Now, go to sleep.

And stop waking up.

Hey, Chico! Did you ask her, huh?

Tell me, did you ask her to marry you?

- Did you ask her? - Ask me what?

Nancy, will you marry us?

Is that what you were getting at?

Of course, that's what he was getting at.

Let's set the day. I'm free on Saturday. How's that?

Ed, if you don't get back upstairs

you're not gonna live to see Saturday.

That's gratitude for you. We got a lot to do.

We got to go hunting for a house in the country.

I want a den.

- Den? - And I want privacy.

- No. - Make that two dens.

Ed, just go to your room. Just go to your room.

What? In the middle of my proposal?

No! You don't realize

I have something to say here too, you know?

- Well, what? - Go ahead.

- Go ahead, say it. - All right.

Now, you just can't...

You just can't tell...

What do you mean...

[sobbingly mumbling]

How you talk about it...

[mumbling shrieks]

Did you get any of that?

[Nancy crying]

She doesn't want the den.

Don't worry, sweetheart. If you don't want the den

you can have a sewing room.

[crying]

That ain't it either, Ed. Now, take it easy, Nancy. What is it?

I have never felt so wanted in my whole life.

But I can't marry either one of you.

- Why not? - What's the matter?

What's the problem, honey? You know, I'm...

I am not ready to get married again.

Well, what about the turkey and the roots?

Yeah, and a house in the country.

Well, I know I've been out of California a while.

But can't you still buy a turkey without a marriage license?

Yeah, but you gotta have money to buy a turkey.

And you need a husband to foot the bill.

I can foot my own bills, thank you!

How? By taking lewd porno pictures in the zoo?

Oh, for heaven sakes.

That's what wrong with this country.

Woman's place is in a home.

They should be hanging curtains and washing windows

and scrubbing floors, women should not work.

Ed, could I be rejected in peace, please?

Chico, this isn't goodbye.

Well, it's not your basic run of the mill "hello" either.

Now, look.

I went right from my father's house into my husband's house.

Now, I want a house of my own.

And time.

To get to know the person living there.

I understand. Took me a while to find myself, too.

I give you two weeks.

[Nancy chuckles]

- Are we going to our new house? - Oh, Morgan!

What new house?

The one next door to my best friend.

Forget it, Morgan. We ain't gonna have house.

Oh, yes we are!

Someday you and Mommy are going to have a very nice house.

Would Chico and Ed be there?

Anytime they want.

Please fix the teddy again?

Okay, sweetheart. But I'll have to take him into surgery.

- Ah, Nancy. - Yeah.

- Umm... - What?

- Well, uh... - Well, what?

- Can I call you sometime? - How about tomorrow?

Well, how about tonight?

Well, let it ring a while

'cause it takes me ten minutes to get home.

Come on, Morgan.

Goodnight, Ed.

- Night, Chico. - Goodnight. Goodnight, honey.

Bye.

Why, you really did it this time, butterfingers.

Butterfingers? What are you talking about?

You're on your way to a touchdown

but you fumbled on the one yard line.

You not only lost the game

but you deprived me of having a grandchild.

Ed, it's only half time.

Stay in the cheering section. We'll get to the Super Bowl yet.

Gramps.

- [Ed] Know somethin'? - [Louie] What's that?

- We must have these more often. - I'll eat to that.

- Here, you can have this. All righty? - Oh, thank you.

Morgan... you didn't open this present from Ed.

Another one? He had to give me this yucky dress.

Morgan, where are your manners?

She been spending too much time with Ed.

How would you like a little more tape across your mouth?

Go ahead, Morgan. Open it up.

I'm sorry, Ed.

- I'll love this even if it's a bracelet. - Good.

In a box that big, it must be a slave bracelet on a slave.

Oh, come on. Let's move on.

- Hey, shoulder pads. - Oh.

- Look at that! - Oh, look!

- Wear it gorgeous. - All right, Morgan.

- Look at that. - Oh goody!

Even knew my size.

Oh, Ed, you dear thing you shouldn't have.

Why not?

If things go according to Chico's plan

she'll be able to hand these down

to her little brother some day.

Louie, tape that man's mouth.

Oh, no you don't. Watch that.

[theme song]

[narrator] Chico and The Man is recorded live before a studio audience

at NBC studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spend much of his time in the streets ♪

♪ His mind was crazy for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's all right yeah ♪♪