Original subtitles

[man] One, two... A-one, two, three and...

[opening theme song playing]

♪ Chico Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know Things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

Good morning, Ed.

That's your opinion.

Ed, why do you have to take a little shot

so early in the morning?

'Cause I can't find a bigger glass.

I don't know what's in worst shape,

your liver or this office.

Some of this mail's been sitting around here

for over a year.

Well, let it sit. No news is good news.

Try tellin' that to Barbara Walters.

You tell her, she's not talking to me

since she got that million dollar raise.

Well, I'm going to clean this desk up.

Man, this is incredible. I don't believe this.

Looks like the inside of a goat's stomach, this place.

Look here, here's the letter from the IRS.

Yeah. More junk mail.

Ed, you better answer this one.

Why? I know what it is. It's a tax form.

They want me to pay this year on all the money

I didn't earn enough of last year.

You mean you didn't file your return in April?

No, I didn't file any return.

- You want me to file it? - I think you better.

Okay.

You better watch, Ed, they can lock you up for that.

Lock me up? Me, a law abiding citizen?

When are they gonna put those crooks away?

- What crooks? - The crooks in Washington

who keep putting their girlfriends on the payroll.

Hello, Chico and the man!

Old Louie's here to empty your can.

Louie, you're just in time.

Ed thinks Washington is full of crooks.

- Right on! - Yeah.

Good work, Louie. Come on, sit down, make yourself comfortable.

Yeah, don't mind if do Ed.

Man, you guys are incredible.

Don't you know most congressmen are honest,

hardworking people who are busy passing new laws?

They have to make new laws. They keep breaking all the old ones.

Yeah, the only think they ever do

is vote themselves another raise.

Right on, Louie.

And they charge us taxpayers.

You know something, I remember back in the thirties,

when the government used to give us something for the money.

Yeah, bread lines.

Yeah, and soup kitchens.

Boy I remember that beef barley soup. The was really delicious.

Yeah, in the day I'd cost you a buck a bowl.

Yeah, but in those days, it was free.

You could even go back for seconds.

Hey, who needs soup lines anymore.

Now we got unemployment insurance.

Some of my friends are going back for seconds on that, too.

Who pays that tab? We do. The taxpayer.

Ed, what are you so excited about?

You didn't even pay your taxes.

Say what?

He didn't file last year's return.

You, Ed... didn't pay your taxes?

I paid my share under six presidents.

I poured money into the treasury.

But when it comes to love for sale on Capitol Hill,

that's where I put my foot down.

Ed, don't you know our tax money goes for other things,

like national defense, the space program,

health, education, welfare.

And bus fare to send my people back across the border.

That, I don't mind paying for.

Yeah, well, if you don't get your tax return in,

you're gonna be the one they'll be bussing to Leavenworth.

That's right, and with your personality,

you ain't going to get no time off for good behavior.

Well, while you're in prison making license plates,

don't expect me to take care of the garage.

What do you mean "take care of the garage"?

You don't have to take care of anything.

When I write my book, I'll make a million dollars.

And then I'll go on talk shows.

Like "Today," "Tonight," "Tomorrow"... "Next Week!"

With Merv!

Hey, don't forget "Police Story."

You're going to wind up there as a case.

You can turn Washington into a playboy club if you want to,

but I'm not paying any sex taxes.

- Where are you going? - Going over to Dallas.

Have a donut, coffee, and some intelligent arguments.

He's the only man I know who can argue with a donut.

Yeah.

He'll still wind up in the hole.

Louie, we gotta do something, or that big computer in Washington

is going to catch up with Ed.

Yeah, you're right, Chico.

And when it does, he'll be folded, spindled, and mutilated.

Ed Brown will be a number instead of a name.

I don't want my friend to go to jail, do you?

No, I've got so many there now,

visiting days are like lodge meetings.

That's what I mean. I'm going to get all the figures together

and we'll make out his taxes tonight.

Be here about 8 o'clock.

Good, good. That would give me time to do some tax research.

Where do you do your tax research? The library?

No! In my truck.

You see, I pick up at H&R Block.

Thank you.

Chico?

Chico, is that you?

Hey. What are you doing?

Oh, I was just going over some of these old bills.

Can't you find anything better to do?

Like putting roller towels in the washroom?

Well, no, Ed, I mean some of these bills

have been laying around here forever,

I mean, Father Oliveras owes you $86

for new tires since 1971.

1971.

Well, let's give him a couple more days.

It's no way to run a business, man. You got to get organized.

Organized? Lockheed is organized.

Look what happened to them.

Listen. I got to go bowling with Louie.

And I want you to forget about business,

because that's what I'm doing.

- See you later. - Okay, Ed. Good night.

Hey, Ed, you forgot your bowling ball.

Hey, you know something, Chico?

I forgot this is our bowling night, so I better get going.

Hey, you can't leave yet. We ain't through.

Look, Chico, I'd rather cheat on my bowling score

than try to defraud the United States government.

Ed is our friend.

Who do you think is going to suffer if he goes to jail?

Whoever they put in the cell with him.

Come on, man, I almost finished here.

Now take a look. How does that look?

Good, good.

That's better.

Taking on charity as a business expense

instead of a personal deduction.

Well, you really researched that garbage.

Yeah, lucky I saved the important stuff.

Now all you got to do is sign his name there.

Well, you sign it. I filled it out.

Yeah, but I approved it for you to sign.

Edward L. Brown. Here.

- How's that? - Perfect forgery.

Nice and sloppy.

Now all we got to do is explain why it's five months late.

Uh, how can you explain that, Mr. Brown?

Take a letter.

- Where's the pen? - Right there.

- Um... - Okay.

Dear IRS.

How do you spell that?

I-R-S!

- I-R-S. - Uh...

Read back for me what I got so far.

- "Dear IRS." - Sounds good.

Sorry this return is so late.

I mailed it over ten times, but the sucker keeps returning.

- Uh... sucker? - Yeah, S-U-C-K-E-R. Just write.

- S-U-C-K-E-R. - Right.

As being an honest tax payer, I feel that--

Wait a... wait a minute. You're going too fast.

I'm not typing, I'm writing.

- I sug... - I sug...

- ...gest... - ...gest...

...that you take this $12...

...that you take this $12...

- ...and 42 cents... - ...and 42 cents...

...and put it to good use...

...and put it to good use...

...like, helping the post office get themselves together.

[incoherent mumbles] I got it.

Now all you got to do is sign Ed Brown's signature.

You know something, Chico?

That's a great idea of you blaming it on the post office.

Well, those poor guys are so far behind with their mail,

by the time your mail gets there

the stamp is a collector's item.

Well, Louie, I hope this saves our friend's life.

Not now.

[thumping feet]

What you doing, man?

I'm putting some mileage on it.

And covering the fingerprints with footprints.

[thumping]

Hey, Ed, where have you been all morning?

At Cabrello's TV store, they're having a big sale on portables.

They also have a sale on chains?

I wanted to make sure this one didn't disappear.

I don't want to buy it back at the next swap meet.

Ed, who is going to steal a nine-inch television?

A 36-inch Puerto Rican.

You're right Ed. You're right.

Us little devils are running around all over, looking for something to steal.

Come on man. Where's something I can grab?

Alright, alright. Very funny, very funny.

Hey, what's the matter with this thing? Where is the picture?

- Maybe it's got to warm up. - Yeah.

Maybe I've been robbed.

Hey. Take a look at the instructions, will you?

Ed, they are in Japanese.

Except for the gear shifting.

What gear shifting?

These are motorcycle instructions.

They told me it was a television set.

Well, maybe it's a kamikaze and it killed itself on the boat

on the way over. Ed don't hit it.

If it's not dead now, you're going to beat it to death.

Who cares? I bought it with government money anyhow.

I bought it with the money I was supposed to pay my taxes with.

- Ed! Oh, hello there! - Hello where?

Louie. You know anything about Japanese TV?

Sure. They use chopsticks for antennas.

I had to ask. Well...

Psst!

Well, Louie, what's going down?

Not down. Up.

The river in a canoe, built for two, me and you.

- What are you talking about? - Midnight sweat, man.

I should have never let you talk me into doing this, Chico.

Dig.

This is from the IRS. Where did you get this?

Got out of Ed's mailbox before he got to it.

You took this out of Ed's mailbox?

Without telling Ed?

Louie, don't you know that's a federal offense?

See you're panicking, you're such a panic.

What do you got to panic so much for?

Anybody who panics in such a way like this is terrible.

You can't panic. The worst thing you can do is panic.

No, man, the worst thing you can do

is get caught. Let's open the letter.

I told you it's a federal offense to open the mail.

So is forgery on a tax return.

Are we in trouble?

We're in trouble.

Where you get that we stuff? I just pick up the garbage.

Madre de deus! Man, they're gonna audit Ed.

Well, I guess I better get going

'cause I got to finish my rounds, Chico.

Hold on, clean head. You in on this, too.

No way, man, I don't know nothing,

ain't seen nothing, and ain't heard nothing.

- Tell that to the judge. - He won't hear me.

Why not?

'Cause I'm going to be in Argentina.

Come here, man. We both filled out these forms.

Yeah, yeah, that's right, too,

but you forged Ed's signature.

- And you picked up his mail. - Uh-oh.

I sure hope the judge explains

to the prison cook that I'm on a salt-free diet.

Louie, I'm waiting for the tax man to come on the phone.

[nasal voice] Yes! Uh-huh. Yes.

Well, this gentlemen and I were wondering about taxes.

Yes, my name is Smith.

What would happen if, uh, two people filled out

a return and signed it?

That is because the party in question

refused to do it himself?

Here comes Ed.

All three of them, huh?

Uh, why all three?

Hey, Louie, come over here.

I want to show you how I'm spending

the government tax money.

You too, Chico.

- Ed, Ed, I'll be right there. - Hurry it up.

For how long?

Louie! Hurry it up.

Ed, I told you I'd be right there.

And here I am, right here.

Ed, I'm sorry I took so long.

I was on the phone with the Middle East

asking for a gas shipment. I mentioned your name,

- and the sheik said he'd send it right over. - Well, thank you very much.

Now I want to tell you about the waiting room here, see?

I feel it looked a little bare, so I brought some magazines over

for the customers to read.

I think they're tired standing by the pump

and watching the gas prices go up.

Well, it's about time you did something to improve business.

What are you talking about?

Didn't I built this waiting room here?

Didn't I put a comb the washroom?

Didn't I put two new flavors in the pop machine,

Wild Cherry and Tabasco?

That's true, Ed, and, you know, all of that is tax deductible

as a business expense if you file a long form.

That's right, and the short form, too.

Now, listen, I'm not filing any forms.

I told you, I'm not paying any more taxes.

Well, all I know is, when that computer in Washington catches up with you,

you're going to be face to face with the IRS.

Let me tell you something.

When the IRS catches up to me,

it won't be my face they're looking at.

Hey!

Now, what did they say down at the tax office?

It's no sweat.

He said the worst we'd get is one to five.

One to five? Is that months, years, or centuries?

No, Louie, I'm only kidding.

He says it's just a routine audit.

We got no reason to run scared.

- Tell that to my knees. - Oh, man.

I've been wondering though, maybe

we ought to tell Ed what we did.

No, not me, son.

I'd rather take my chances with Uncle Sam than Brother Brown.

Yeah, I'm with you, Louie. But you know something?

Down at the IRS, they don't know what Ed Brown looks like.

- He could be anybody. - Yeah!

That's right, he could be anybody. Even you.

Or you.

- You want to flip for it? - Okay.

Heads.

Tails.

Good luck, Mr. Brown.

[laughs]

- Wanna make it two out of three? - [Louie laughing]

- Three out of five? - [Louie laughs harder]

[phone buzzes]

Yes, sir?

Uh-huh. Okay, right away sir.

- Mr. Brown. - Yes, right here.

- Mr. Davis will see you now. - Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Just Mr. Brown.

Oh, that's okay. This is my chief accountant.

You see, I'm with the NAA-CPA.

Mr. Brown.

In the flesh, brother!

And who is this gentleman?

Oh, this is my accountant Mr. Rodriguez.

[Spanish accent] How you doing? See, Mr. Brown is an equal-opportunity employer.

Uh, please be seated.

Don't mind if I do, brother.

- Pull up a chair, Mr. Rodriguez. - Thank you very much.

- Shall we get started? - The sooner the faster.

According to your letter,

these forms are late due to postal delay.

[Spanish accent] Correct. You see, Mr. Davis, I advised my client, Mr. Brown,

to write you the letter to bring the oversight to your attention

so that you do not throw away him later

because of this oversight, because the fault is clearly

the fault of the post office and the mail office.

Yeah Mr. Davis, if the mail gets any slower,

next year you're going to have to ask the people

to phone in their taxes.

[all laugh]

Very good, very good. Quiet!

That is not why we are here gentlemen.

Now, I have here your 1040.

We didn't do nothing!

Mm-hmm.

Mm-ha-ha!

Could you go back to the "mm-hmm"?

Wait a minute, what-what

what's the ah-ha there? What's the matter?

Just your signature at the bottom.

What's wrong with my signature?

- That's my signature. - That's his signature.

If you'll notice, Mr. Brown,

you've signed on the spouse line.

Spouse?

Now, why did I do that?

You must have thought it said "sauce."

[laughs]

But, Mr. Rodriguez, if you are the preparer,

then you'll have to sign in the preparer's box.

I'm sorry my secretary should spot this.

I'm going to fire her when I see him.

- You got it. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay, I see you made a donation to the presidential campaign.

That's right.

I believe in a strong government.

By the people and for the people.

- Fifty dollars? - Sure, 5-0.

To Lester Maddox for President?

Now, why did I do that?

Well, you see, Mr. Brown believes in keeping an open mind.

Well, now about your business expenses.

I see, you, uh...

took a $300 depreciation for snow tires?

That's right. Been sitting on the shelf for five years.

- Why would you stock snow tires in East Los Angeles? - Well, uh...

- Uh, you never heard of the Barrio Ski Club? - I'm afraid not.

Oh, well, it's underprivileged skiers anyway.

Yeah, you see, Mr. Davis,

those kids don't have no money for no snow tires.

They don't even have snow.

They have to practice on frozen bean dip.

I find that very hard to believe.

Try.

I see you also have listed here $2,000 in bad debts.

I have all those bills right here.

A lousy debt everyone.

Here you go.

Alvarez. Garcia.

Oriola.

Oriola died. His wife shot him.

You know, you have a lot of money coming to you here.

Have you ever heard or are you familiar with

collection agencies?

You kidding?

Why, Mr. Brown must be the biggest

collection agency in the city.

Well, that's all the questions I have.

- That's it? Uh, we can go? - That's what the man said, Ed.

Beautiful. How did we come out?

Well, I'm afraid it's not as simple as all that, Brown.

You realize I have to review your form

and make whatever deliberations I think necessary

after a thorough audit.

And of course it takes a certain amount of time.

There are a certain backlog of cases--

Uh, brother, I see where you're coming from.

I dig it. Now, uh, will a ten spot do it?

Ed, no!

Why did you do that? Excuse him. He's-- he's kind of stupid.

[horn honks]

[horn honks]

- Anybody here? - What do you want?

- How about some gas? - Gas?

Self-service today. Two cents off on each gallon.

I hear some grinding under the hood.

Tell you what, there's some tools

on that bench over there. Help yourself.

Hey, buddy, the sign outside says, "Fast, courteous service."

Well, it'll be a lot faster and lot more courteous if you help yourself.

- Have a nice day. - Ah, shut up.

Ed, you know, that guy is right.

You ought to change the sign outside

to "Ed Brown, The Bionic Grouch."

You can't treat customers that way.

Sure I can. It's my garage.

I can treat them anyway I want.

Besides, today, I don't care.

I'm going to just sit around and relax.

We got a lot of work to do. We got a wheel pack to finish.

You do the wheel pack. I just heard from the IRS.

- The IRS? - Yeah.

Um, what-what-what did they say to you? How much was it?

Seven hundred and forty dollars.

[muttering in Spanish]

Ed, if I were you, I'd get them off my back and I'd pay them.

Pay them? What are you talking about?

I got a refund.

Here. Look.

[squeaky voice] Huh.

Seven hundred and forty dollars. Wait until I tell Louie.

- [laughs] - Yeah.

Isn't that marvelous? What a wonderful government.

Didn't do a thing and they send me $740.

Well, Ed, we've got a great country.

Yeah. So have we.

Hey, Ed, yesterday you laid around here for eight hours.

Yeah? What's the record?

Come on, man, the government isn't going to send you

a refund check every week.

You know, Chico, I've been thinking about that refund.

And I think it's a bribe.

The government feels guilty for what they've been doing

to me the last couple of years.

Well, that may be true, but how long

are you going to lie around?

Till the state of California gets to feeling guilty, too.

[Jack Albertson] Chico and the Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC studios,

Burbank, California.

[closing theme song playing]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All right ♪