Original subtitles

♪ One two ah one two three and... ♪

[theme song]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪♪

What?

No, I don't want any excuses.

No, I'm not. How dare you send a wreath like that to a man

who's recovering from a very serious operation?

Well, it serves you right for being stupid enough

to do business with a Mexican.

You know, you got a lot of guts making a crack like that

with me standing here with a razor.

Just look at that wreath, look at that wreath

and read the inscription on it.

- "Rest in peace." - Yeah, that's what it says.

That means that right now

some poor slob is getting buried

under a wreath which says, "Get well soon."

Well, isn't that better than being buried under one

that says, "Good luck in your new location?"

Now take it easy. Come on.

I'm gonna have to shave you here

and it's the last shave you're gonna get for me.

It's about time you started doing something for yourself.

Ah, it takes time for a man to recover from an operation.

Not only days, sometimes, takes weeks or months.

- Years. - Yeah.

I haven't got years.

I could get well in my lifetime.

Well, I can't argue with you there.

A man ought to be in good health when he croaks.

All right, now, hold still.

- I don't wanna cut you. - Oh, go ahead. Cut me. Cut me.

All you get out of my veins is bourbon.

[screams]

You Chicano cut throat, you Mexican murderer.

- You Latin lame brain. - All right, all right.

If you're gonna rave like a mad dog

then look like one.

Aha! At least I got you out of bed, you fake.

Who you calling a fake?

- Not you, Louie. - Oh, hey.

Hey, Chico, where is that fake?

Let's just say he's brushing his teeth.

Alone, huh?

Well, it's about time he got out of that bed.

Yeah, I can tell he's getting better.

So far today, he's already made five nasty cracks

about my people.

That's a good sign.

Now, yesterday, he only insulted me once.

Called me the Telly Savalas of the watermelon patch.

- That's cold blooded, boy. - Sure is.

We got to do something.

Get him back on his feet

before he drives us all papayas.

Right.

I better get that. Take over.

I'll take over.

Chico, I'll get you for this

if it's the last thing I do, you, you...

Ah, Louie. Louie.

My only friend.

- Crazy toothbrush. - Yeah.

Louie, help me to my bed of pain.

Oh, I'll be glad to, Ed.

Ah, you people are so good to us white folk.

Yeah, that's why the darkies were born.

So get your buttermilk butt under these covers.

- Thank you, Louie. Oh! - Yeah.

Oh, that's much better.

I--

What you got in the bag, Louie?

Got me some apple.

- Apples? Got some for me? - No, they're for me.

You don't never served up to nobody.

You never know.

Oh, that's nice. Would you peel it for me?

Yeah, soon as I dust it off.

Yeah, and would you cut it up in little slices

because I find it awful hard to chew?

Look, Ed, why don't I just put it in a blender?

And that way, you won't have to eat it at all.

You can just gargle it.

Oh, if only Margaret was still here to take care of me.

I wouldn't have to depend on the kindness of strangers.

Yeah, that reminds me of a dream I had last night

about my late wife, Zola.

She says she's so happy now.

She got a new job over yonder

and you'll never guess what her new job is

unless I not tell you.

Oh, tell me. Tell me.

She's your wife's maid.

You mean, Zola And Margaret are together up there?

Why, of course, heaven's always been integrated.

It had to be for the children's sake.

Ain't no buses up there.

Lunchtime, Ed.

Well, look who's here?

Della... my only friend.

- What? - I got two only friends.

I had to send Chico to repair my radio

while I came to feed Ed.

Would you mind going down waiting on the customers?

Oh, not at all, not at all.

Here, wrap your mustache around that and inhale.

Do what mama tells you, Ed.

Later, Mater.

When you finish that, we'll have a bath.

Ah, you're going to give me...

Oh, no, you're not gonna give me a bath.

Oh, Ed, it'll be all right.

We'll have a chaperon, your rubber duck.

Now, come on, Ed...

You lay one hand on the button on my pajamas

I'll call for the vice squad.

No, you don't... Chico, get this woman away from me.

She's trying to get me into a bathtub.

Would you rather be sent out to the laundromat?

You'll give him his bath, will you?

And listen, take a Polaroid picture

because I wanna see what it is I'm missing.

Why don't I take a Polaroid X-ray

that way we can see what he's missing.

The only good friend I got here is Lou.

Louie!

Hola, hola, buenos dias.

I called for Louie. What are you doing here, Spanola?

Dr. Spanola to you.

- I called him, Ed. - [Ed] What for?

Because I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you.

And if you had any sense at all, you'd be worried about you.

Lying in this bed all this time

like somebody rehearsing for an autopsy.

Will you excuse us, please, as long as I am here

and I have nothing else to do, I may as well check my patient.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Don't get bad with the doctor.

Okay, Brown, let's have a listen.

- Uh, just relax. - Okay.

And breathe.

Uh, it's easy for you to say.

[breathes heavily]

Is it still going?

Like a Mexican conga drum.

Doctor, I knew I've been living in this neighborhood too long.

Brown, I don't want you lying in this bed.

Why? You got another patient you wanna put in it?

I just want you moving.

Take a walk around the block.

Walk around?

I wouldn't walk around the block in this neighborhood

even if I was healthy.

Brown, the longer you lie in bed, the weaker you will get.

You should have been on your feet ten days ago.

Why, what was happening ten days ago?

I'm not going to tell you again. Chico!

Hazme un favor. Ven acá, pronto, y trae a todos tus amigos.

English! Speak English, you Cuban quack.

I won't understand what's going on in my house.

Yeah, doc. What is it?

I want all of you to hear this.

He will never regain his strength lying in bed.

And you are not doing him a favor by catering to him.

So I would advise all of you to do what I'm going to do.

- And what is that? - Resign from this case.

That man doesn't need a surgeon.

He needs a pediatrician.

He's just a big baby.

Lo que necesita es unos buenos golpecitos en las nalgas.

Ooh, what language!

Yes. Spanish is very expressive.

Well, Ed, you're gonna get out of bed?

Oh. Oh.

Doesn't he remind you a bit of Greta Garbo in "Camille?"

Come on, Camille. Rise and shine.

Out of the sack before I set fire to your rubber sheet.

Let's go.

Oh, Chico, I never expected you

to turn on me, too.

It's for your own good, Ed.

Be honest with yourself.

We understand, it's been a long time

since somebody's taken care of you

and you like it.

Yeah.

But enough is enough.

We can run our business

and take care of you at the same time.

So, the party's over. You're on your own.

- Everybody out. - No, no, no, no.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. I need help.

I-- I got to go to the bathroom.

Make a sharp right at the end of the bed.

You can't miss it.

Oh, Chico.

You, you are not going to help me?

You made it on your own ten minutes ago.

Oh, but I just had a relapse

and I need somebody's shoulder to lean on.

- Louie, help me. - No, no, no.

No, you don't.

- [Ed] Della, please. - Are you kidding?

You wouldn't even let me bathe you.

[mumbling]

I just have to do it myself.

[grunts]

- Look, he's standing. - He's walking.

It's a miracle!

Halleluiah!

[clamoring]

Ah, where's that number? Oh, here it is. Over here.

Let's see. Let me get this telephone.

[mumbling]

Hello?

Yes, uh, I want a practical nurse.

Uh, right away.

As quick as possible. I'm in...

Well, I want one that's kind, and sweet, and gentle...

Same to you, you bedsore bully.

[Ed] And if you're a nurse, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Yeah? Well, I hope you choke on your nephew's banana.

Don't tell me, you too.

The others all warned me, but I didn't believe them.

I said I could take on any patient. Ha!

But just a minute. Just a minute. Where you going?

I am now going to change my hypodermics

into knitting needles

and beat my bedpans into ashtrays.

Dye my uniform black and go to mourning at my profession.

Yo. What should I do about your check?

Use it to buy that man a muzzle.

I don't know. I just don't believe that man.

Will you look at this?

Look, seven nurses in four days?

Yeah, Chico, how long can he stay in that bed?

Well, let's see, he used up MediCal, Medicare

Blue Cross, Blue Shield, Workman's comp.

Can't be much longer. He's spending his own money now.

Well, tell me this, who's up there with him now?

Some sweet thing who's probably AWOL from the Salvation Army.

Well, I'll give about a day and a half.

[nurse laughs] Now, you just hushy bye, sweet thing.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, now, little old doll.

Well, hi there, y'all.

Oh, I'm afraid that adorable cuddle bunny up yonder

can't receive visitors just now.

Cuddle bunny?

How sweet!

His faithful old mammy has come to call.

Is she for real?

I scared, Miss Scarlet.

I so scared, Miss Scarlet.

If you mammy me in here one more time

I'm gonna take my fist...

Oh, no.

Well, forgive me. I meant no offence.

I did.

Uh, Miss Amanda. This is Miss Rodgers, Ed's landlady.

How do you do?

And Mr. Wilson, his only friend.

Uh, only friend?

Oh, I'm sure he has oodles of friends.

Why, a fat man were Colonel Sanders

even chickens would adore him.

No, she ain't for real.

Uh, pardon me. Where are you going? That's my room.

Oh, yes. So, I've been told.

Oh, and it's lovely.

I feel for Edward.

Come along, young man. We're gonna move him.

To my room?

Of course. Don't you all think it's more cheerful?

Yeah, but only because Ed isn't in it.

What a delicious sense of humor.

Come along now.

Uh, just one minute.

If y'all are gonna put Ed over in my bed

where am I all suppose to sleep?

Well, that's for you to decide, sugar.

I'm not Jonas.

Bye, y'all.

Bye, y'all.

Well, Della, look like Ed has switched from bourbon

to honeysuckle wine.

I thought her type was "Gone with the Wind."

Yeah, but I guess somebody forgot to tell her.

You know, Louie, something about that woman

reminds me of a candied apple.

Old sweet and sticky on the outside

and rotten at the core.

Easy.

Easy.

Easy and gentle now.

Now don't you bump on little honey bunny.

And don't you fall down because I could get hurt myself.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, Louie.

Hello, Della.

Sorry, I can't stop and chat, but unfortunately

visiting hours are restricted to the immediate family.

Ed, you ain't got no immediate family.

That's what I mean. So get out of here.

All right, forgive us, please.

Come along. Come right on through this way.

Here we go, honey bunny.

So, do you believe her?

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs] I do declare, Edward,

you have the most sensuous arches I've ever seen.

Oh, they just make me tingle all over me.

[howling]

Yeah, me too.

You know, I do believe if men went around barefooted

I'd end up as a scarlet woman.

[chuckling]

Maybe you ought to put my socks on.

Too late, they worked their magic on me.

You know, Edward, the first thing

that attracted me to my second husband

was his virile right foot.

Yeah.

What was wrong with his left foot?

He lost it. Poor darling.

But under my tender loving care, a miracle happened.

Yeah. His foot grew back?

- No, silly, we fell in love. - Oh.

You know, Ed, your toe

bears a striking resemblance to his.

Ah! You stab my cuticle, you... honey.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugar.

- Amanda will make it better. - Oh.

Oh, pardon me, sugar foot.

I hurt my toe.

Thank you, my little boll weevil.

The pain went all gone-gone with your little kiss-kiss.

Oh, I see you brought Mr. Brown's medicine.

Yeah, if you can call bourbon, medicine.

Yeah, down home we call it spirits for the spirit.

- Yeah. - There you go, precious.

Oh, that's what I call nursing.

Amanda honey, you sure make pain a pleasure.

[Amanda] Well, that is the art of healing.

You know, the trouble with modern medicine

is it's such rush-rush.

I mean, where's the reward for being a brave soldier?

I believe in a long recuperation

where the afflicted can enjoy the comfort and attention

of his loved ones.

Oh, loved ones.

I ain't got no loved ones.

Oh, you have me, Edward.

Yeah, the only love money can buy

unless you go to a pet shop.

Mr. Rodriguez, you are impertinent.

Impertinent? Does that mean I can't have children?

Uh, Edward, I'll go see to your bath.

Oh, well, hurry back, my little peach gloss.

All right, lovey.

You're crazy, you know that?

Don't you know what she's after?

Well, sure, but can I help it if I got a sexy big toe?

Well, it's wonderful, but what good is it

if the rest of you is falling apart?

Don't you know what Miss Gritz is doing?

Yeah, I know what she's doing.

She's doing for me what none of my friends would do.

Your friends were following doctor's orders.

That quack. Amanda!

Yes, sugar?

Hurry and take me to my tub, my little cotton candy.

Oh, of course, darling. Come on, Amanda'll help you up.

- Oh! - Oh, there we go.

I'm gonna scrub you till you're squeaky clean.

Squeak, squeak.

[Della] Chico!

I'm in the Dixieland massage parlor.

Where is he?

Miss Mint Juleps giving him a bath.

Well, I hope she cuts her hands on his rib cage.

Ed's in big trouble, Della. You should hear that woman.

Mr. Rodriguez, do you know how I first became a nurse?

I was just an itty-bitty thing.

And one night, I was strolling through the woods

of Chatham County.

The moon was shining, and the darkies were singing.

[humming]

Thank you. That's fine.

And then all of a sudden, I heard the...

...of a chirp-chirp of a little bird in distress.

So I looked down, and sure enough, plain as day

there was a little bird with his wing broken.

Aww!

So I took this little bird back home

and I took a little stick of a popsicle

you know, and I put a splint on his arm

and nursed him back to health

and day by day, his chirp grew brighter

and his wings started flapping again

and he was just as healthy singing away.

And then one day, without so much as a fare thee well

he just up and flew out the window.

So I got my rifle and shot him dead.

The moral of that story is, don't mess with her bird.

You've got the picture.

If you're Miss Peach Blossom's patient

you're her patient forever.

I heard that.

I had one of my friends down at the health department

do a little checking on Miss Amanda.

- Don't tell me she's a phony. - Oh, no, she's a nurse, all right.

That's where she met her first four husbands in the hospital.

They had bedside weddings.

And under her tender loving care

they all died happily forever after.

We got to do something before she nurses Ed to death, too.

Well, you tried. Now give me a shot at it.

- What are you gonna do? - Just observe.

You all right in there, sweet daddy?

Sweet daddy?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you were in there.

Well, who do you think was your there

you were calling "sweet daddy"

your garbage collector friend?

It's your beautiful black baby doll.

- Sweet me. - What?

Sure, Amanda, didn't Ed tell you about them?

Well, I never.

Oh, you must have.

And if you think you're gonna take my man away from me

you are barking up the wrong tree, bird doll.

Uh, what's going on here?

Oh, Ed, my baby, mwah.

Edward Brown, I am shocked.

Well, I'm a little startled myself.

I am disgusted.

I am horrified.

You are through.

Oh, would somebody please tell me

what's going on around here?

It's bad enough you livin' here with a brown boy.

But you...

You and this... This Aunt Jemima.

Now, wait a minute

don't Aunt Jemima

flatten you into a waffle out here.

Amanda, how dare you talk that way to my only friends?

Oh. I won't stay in this room for another minute.

Yeah, you sure won't stay under this roof

and you can kiss my foot.

- Never again. - Yeah.

Never again is right, you bigot, you fool!

Ah.

Della, you are the greatest thing

that ever happened in this garage.

Back off. Don't you get familiar with me, you brown boy.

You brown boy.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. Okay, you win. You got me out of the bed.

You got her out of the house, and now, you, out of my room.

- Okay. - Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.

- This is my room. - Yeah, that's right.

In that case, I'll get out.

And leave the door open.

'Cause that woman will kiss anybody.

[narrator] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪