Original subtitles

♪ One, two, one, two, three and... ♪

[theme song plays]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there is good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

Looking good!

[instrumental music on radio]

[hammering]

Chico! Chico!

[indistinct yelling]

- Chico! - Oh, hi, Ed. You back already?

- Don't change the subject. - Don't change what subject?

A terrible thing just happened to me.

- What terrible thing? - Can't you see?

My hat's missing.

I hate to shock you, Ed

but lot of your hair is missing too.

- What happened? - What happened?

I was on my way to the bank to make a deposit,

and suddenly on the left field two young punk Chicanos

ran by me grabbed my hat, disappeared like smoke.

How did you know they were Chicanos?

What else? Only your people steal hats.

- My people? - Yeah, your people.

You ever hear of an "Eskimo Hat Dance?"

Huh? Only Mexicans dance on hats.

Ed, whoever stole your hat also stole your brains as well

and that's a clear case of petty larceny.

Ahh! You don't know what that hat means to me.

Margaret bought that hat for me. That hat is my lucky hat.

- Lucky, a lucky hat? - Yeah, it's a lucky hat.

I've been wearing that hat for 20 years.

And the only bad day I ever had

was the day you walked into my life.

Yeah, I remember that day too.

Son of my gun, what a coincidence?

You know I was reading my horoscope and it said

"Beware of grumpy old Anglos wearing lucky hats."

Tell you what? I'll get you another hat.

No, how you're gonna find another lucky hat?

Well, I'll buy a new one and put a rabbit's foot in it.

That won't work.

How about one with a horse shoe?

Then you can wear it as a chin strap.

No, it's...

People who believe in horse shoes and rabbit's foot

are superstitious. I'm not superstitious.

I just want my lucky hat.

Ed, you're right. If you think your hat is lucky,

you're not superstitious. you're a nut.

Ah, so how come I never lost money on the track

when I was wearing that hat?

How come I never lost money in a poker game, huh?

How come I never had a toothache?

Well, you were never struck by lightning.

That's right.

You were never trampled to death in a buffalo stampede.

You are right too. I was gonna...

Oh, go ahead. Make fun of me.

But without my hat, I wouldn't be surprised

if a whole herd of buffalo ran through the garage

up the stairs and ran through my bedroom.

Ed, give me the bank book and the receipts.

Okay, there you are.

Wait a minute, what're you gonna do?

I'm gonna go deposit at the Eastside Bank.

The Eastside Bank?

- And while I'm gone-- - Yeah?

I want you to listen to the radio

for tornado warning, storm alerts

and a possible buffalo stampede through Ed Brown's Garage.

They got horns. You can't miss 'em. I'll see you in a bit.

- Ahh! - Whoa! This is...

- Wise guy. Very funny. - Your freeway DJ.

Bringing you the dance that's sweeping the town

"The Buffalo Hump."

[rock music plays]

We interrupt for a little bulletin here, friends.'

The Eastside Bank has been held up in broad day light

by three masked men.

The Eastside Bank?

They escaped with an estimated $6000 in cash.

Hey, Chico, go to the Westside Bank!

More details later.

Right now, back to our stompin' rockin'.

[rock music plays]

[muttering]

[mirror shatters]

[groans]

I knew this was gonna be a bad day.

First my hat, then my bank and now my mirror.

Well, you win.

Tell you what. I'll make a deal with you.

I'll go to Church on Sunday.

And if you find my hat, I'll pass it.

Hey, Chico!

Hey, hey, hey, anybody here?

[Ed] No, there's nobody here. Beat it.

I-I got a delivery from Belco Battery.

[Ed] Well, put it on the floor and beat it.

Oh, you-you gotta sign for it.

[Ed] Not now, I'm busy.

Hey, where are you?

[Ed] I'm in the men's room.

Oh!

[hammering]

[clattering]

[flush water gushing]

How do you like that truck driver?

One lousy quart of oil, then goes into my John

uses 10 cents worth of soap

and 20 cents worth of paper towels

to shine his shoes.

Then he stuffs it in the toilet, clogging up the pipes.

Then he drops his dollar watch in the bowl

and breaks the seat trying to get it out.

Why can't you send oil customers like that to the Arabs?

They can afford it.

Who-who you're talking to?

Who are you? What do you want here?

I'm closing up for the day, beat it.

- Yeah, but first sign this. - Sign what?

It's a receipt for six heavy duty batteries.

- I didn't order any battery. - No, uh, Chico did.

- Well, let Chico sign it. - But h-he's not here.

Neither am I.

I could've sworn I was just talking to somebody.

Look, if I don't get a signature

how can I leave the batteries?

That's a ridiculous question. Just put them on the floor,

walk away, and don't look back.

Look, you don't understand. It's not me, it's my boss.

He insists on a receipt.

You may not believe this...

...but he doesn't trust me.

My boy, I trust you, leave the batteries.

Not until you sign first!

Oh, that's the trouble with this world. Nobody trusts anybody.

Everybody thinks everybody else is a crook.

[muttering]

- There you are. - Oh, um, that's mine.

- What's yours? - The pen!

- What pen? - That pen!

Don't touch me.

Are you trying to accuse me of stealing your 25-cent pen?

No, I'm not accusing. I'm-- I'm just reminding.

And besides, that pen costs me a dollar.

That's because you didn't take your 75 cents change.

Well, here, uh...

[muttering]

- Sign it. - What is it?

Receipt for the pen.

Well, thank you. Now beat it.

Gladly, you vinegar-faced walrus!

[cash register dings]

Hey!

Don't leave that stuff there, put it on a shelf.

Well, you could just do it yourself

'cause I wasted enough time with you

and maybe you could use those batteries

to recharge your personality, pickle puss.

Hey, you! You!

And from now on, stay under your toadstool, you little frog.

I'll have to do this myself I guess.

[grunts]

Oh! Oh!

[groans]

Oh, what have I done to my little body?

[groaning]

Hey, Ed. The bank was ro--

Ed! Ed, you in there?

Santa Maria!

Ed!

Hey, if you brought those for me, you can forget it.

I got a pair just like it.

- What happened, man? - Nothing, nothing.

Ed, are you hiding something from me?

- No. - Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. See?

Nothing.

Well, you're walking kind of funny.

All us old folk walk funny. Ooh!

Oh, come on, you're not that old.

Oh, tell that to my arteries.

Unh. And talk loud. They are hard of hearing.

[groaning]

Hey, it's all your fault.

Now what did I do?

Yeah, you ordered those batteries.

Ave Maria! You told me to order them.

So, since when do you do what I tell you to do?

If you hadn't ordered those batteries,

he wouldn't have left 'em there

and I wouldn't have tried to pick them up

and I wouldn't be groaning like this-- Ooh!

Ed, are you saying you ruptured yourself?

No, what I'm saying is-- Aah! Ooh!

- Is "aah" worse than "ooh?" - Yes. Much worse.

But, Ed, don't you know it's dangerous for a man of your age

to lift anything this heavy?

Yeah, you are right, right, from now on

I'm not gonna lift anything heavier than my shot glass.

[groans]

Come on, Ed. Have you called the doctor?

- No, no. - Well, call him right now.

Doctor!

Satisfied?

Oh, you're a stubborn burro. The man's in pain--

No, I'm in agony.

- Okay, you're in painful agony. - Yeah.

You could have a hernia. It could be the end of you.

And you won't call. Sit down.

[groaning]

- What are you doing? - I'm calling Dr. Spanola.

Oh, he's a quack. Quack, quack, quack.

- Hello, Doc. Oh, hi, Nurse. - Oh, she is quackier.

This is Chico Rodriguez. Yeah, my boss hurt himself.

Can the doctor get away to examine him?

Oh, no. This ain't a house call. It's a garage call.

Maybe they ought to send the tow truck.

Well, when?

Okay, that's fine. Thanks very much.

- You're going to his office. - No, I am not.

All doctors are frauds.

I knew this was gonna be a bad day. Ooh!

Ed, listen. Your hat had nothing to do with it.

I know what you are getting at

but you're just a superstitious old coward.

Now come on, I'm gonna take there

if I have to carry you myself.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll-- you'll get a hernia,

then you'll look like me.

That I don't want. Come on.

- We'll take the Benny's truck. - No, no.

That truck is in worse condition than I am.

I-I can walk faster.

Well, I'll lock up and go with you.

Wh-what's the matter?

Don't you trust me?

- Frankly, no. - Oh! Oh, well, I tell you what.

You stay here, I'll get a receipt from the doctor.

[groans]

Never mind. Come on, Ed. You lie down in my room.

I'll get Spanola here if I've to drag him by his rubber gloves.

[speaking in Spanish]

- Uh, Doc? How is Ed? - Uh-huh?

[speaking in Spanish]

- Hi, Ed. - Hi.

- Oh. - What did doc have to say?

Quack, quack, quack.

Your friend Spanola is a Mexican quack.

He is a Cuban and he happens to be a brilliant surgeon.

Well, let him go back to Cuba

and chop some sugar cane.

- He is not gonna cut me up. - He said you need an operation?

No. He said I had an incarcerated hernia.

- What's that mean? - Well, how should I know?

I always thought "incarcerated" was a Spanish word.

- Ed, he wants to operate. - No, sir.

No Cuban butcher is gonna play Russian Roulette

with my American body.

Hopeless, hopeless, the man is hopeless.

Chico, I want you to make sure--

Oh! Brown, I thought I told you to stay in bed.

I don't have to listen to you. You are not my mother.

Is this man always so stubborn, Chico?

Yeah, when he goes to the dentist he won't even open his mouth.

Hey, you're the only guy I know

who can make a fist with his lips.

Ah!

[both speaking in Spanish]

Hey, hey, hey!

No Spanish, speak English, no secrets.

I've just called the hospital, Brown.

I've arranged a bed for you tonight

and tomorrow I can operate.

No way, you are not gonna stick a machete in me

you Havana of cigar color.

Ed!

Would you feel better if I call you

an Anglo to do the job?

I wouldn't care if you call, the Mayo Brothers

the Mangione Brothers and Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Nobody is gonna carve me up unless I'm wearing my lucky hat.

Chico, I think--

- Your what? - His lucky hat.

It's a silly superstition among the local natives.

What do you mean silly? That hat saved my life.

I was wearing it the day I was hit by a motorcycle.

You call that lucky?

Yeah, I was in the truck at the time.

And you think the hat saved you.

Doc, would you tell him this is nonsense?

- Maybe it isn't.

- Wha... - What?

If he believed the hat protected him,

he may be correct.

- A-ha! See? - You too, Doctor?

Well, there is more to medicine than mere science, Chico.

Attitude is also very important, especially a surgery.

If the patient has faith in something

anything, his doctor, his religion, his talisman

he is better equipped to undergo the procedure.

Yeah, but he is so superstitious.

Don't argue with this brilliant Cuban surgeon.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

I myself never operate

unless I am wearing my old Desi Arnaz t-shirt.

And you thought I was crazy.

Well, everybody is a little...

[imitates cuckoo]

Now, will you have faith in me

as long as you know I've still got my old lucky t-shirt?

No.

Oh, Ed. Come on. I don't like to see you this way.

- I hate to see you suffer. - Well, then don't look.

We cannot delay more than 24 hours, Brown.

You've got to have the operation.

Not without my hat that those Chicano kids stole.

Oh, come on, just 'cause a couple of kids swi--

Wait a minute. Let me give it a shot, Doc.

- Don't cancel that room yet. - All right.

I'm gonna get that hat back if I have to rip the Barrio apart.

Ah, too late. Your people have already done that.

I don't know if he needs a hernia operation

or a tongue transplant.

[grunting] Ooh!

Gin, baby.

That's the one I wanted.

[knocking]

Come in!

- Hey. - Hey, brother, excuse me.

Listen, there's somebody I want...

Please don't kill me, I got 17 children, two wife, please.

I just came looking for somebody.

- Like who? - Uh, Rojo Boco Lobo.

- Who shall I say is calling? - Uh, the Avon Lady.

[laughing]

He's cute. Apache, don't you think he is cute?

- I hope so. - Yeah, that's real cute.

But maybe we could rearrange his face for him

and make him look cuter.

Well, you're a lovely couple

I could go on talking to you all night

but now it's time to play "You Bet Your Life."

Would you tell your boss

Chico Rodriguez is here to see him?

He better know you.

[rhythmic knocking]

- [Lobo] Yeah. - You got a visitor.

All right, Gums, this better be--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Chico!

- Boco Lobo! - Hey, hey!

Would you call off this clown?

Hey, stash it, Apache. Hey, Chico, hey!

- How are you feeling? - Oh, man, you look great.

Hey, it's lucky for you guys I come in when I come in.

- You know who this guy is? - Yeah!

The Avon Lady.

Oh, dummy!

That's Chico Rodriguez.

Another minute, he'd have torn both your faces off.

Oh, no. I gave all that up two years ago, Rojo.

He gave it up? You hear that?

Numero Uno.

The fastest man in the street, huh? The fist, the feet.

The... Hyah! Hyah! [laughing]

This road runner could steal the hub caps off a Cadillac

doing 40 miles an hour.

Uphill!

- I'm out of that too, man. - Hey, what are you in, man?

- I'm in a garage business. - Ah, you want a deal, huh?

You've come to the right place.

Hey, yeah, you tell me what you want.

We're a little low on stock, but tell me what you want

and I'll get it for you in 24 hours.

- Uh, thanks but no, thanks. - How about 24 minutes?

We deal direct with the distributors, no used parts.

Hey, you've gone all out straight now?

Well, yeah, Ed Brown gave me a chance to become a mechanic.

- So-- - Who is Ed Brown?

- He is the man I live with. - Ooh!

- He lives with a man? - He's an old man.

Yeah, I got an uncle like that.

He got barred from school zones.

You better watch it, chump, or your uncle is gonna have

a nephew who is a few inches shorter.

Alright, now about this Ed Brown.

He's a grumpy old Anglo who pretends to hate everybody

but he took me in,

he taught me a trade, he gave me a break.

I'm not like the chumps I used to run with. I ain't in jail.

Like them guys never got a break.

And now this old man needs an operation, okay?

So, what do you need from me? A scalpel?

You're not gonna believe this, but I'm looking for a lid.

[Lobo laughs]

We're not into that man.

I mean, just stealing, no dealing.

Hat, sky piece.

You see, some kid snatched Ed's hat this afternoon

and he won't have the operation without it.

Oh, ha-ha. Hey, Apache.

It sounds like your kid brother.

No, there's no money in hats. He switched to wigs.

Well, what kind of lid is this, huh?

Well, it's kind of old, beat up, brown felt with a band.

Uh, not worth two centavos to anybody but Ed.

We got a lot of stuff around here, let's take a look, huh?

All right.

Hey, does this look anything like it?

You know, it's close enough, maybe I'll buy it.

Okay, what do I owe you?

He-he hey! You take it, Chico.

You give me a lube job someday, eh?

- Yeah. - Hey, yeah.

With the cops riding the bus now

I'm thinking of stealing a nice car.

Why steal? Why don't you build one?

You got enough parts.

Ed, come on out here. Come on.

You gotta come out. I got something very important.

[groans] What?

This is earthshaking. Come on.

Oh, what hap-- What-- what happened?

- Wha-- wha-- - I want you to sit there.

Okay.

- I got it. - You got it.

- I got it! - "I got it." what you got, what?

I told you I'd get it and I got it.

What, what? What did you got there?

Your hat.

That's not my hat.

Sure it is.

I know my own hat when I see it.

Alright, it's been beat up a little.

That's not my hat.

It looks like your hat to me.

Give me that.

Now will you admit, it's not my hat?

Certainly not. Don't you know a hernia makes your head shrink?

How stupid do you think I am?

I'm trying to find out. Ed, look at the bright side.

Maybe it was somebody else's lucky hat.

No lucky hat. Some lucky hat.

Look, that's a bullet hole.

- That's a moth hole. - What, .38 caliber moth?

Well, the bottom line is

Dr. Spanola's never lost a patient.

Well, he's lost this one, 'cause I'm not going through with it.

Hey, hey, Chico!

- Hey, hey, hey! Ooh! - Lobo!

- So, this is the place, huh? - Yeah.

And this is the old man?

Why you...

Hey, the minute you split Apache's kid brother comes in

and tries to loan this stuff off for me.

Hey, Apache.

Maybe what you're looking for is in here.

Well, let's see.

That ain't it. That really ain't it.

That ain't it but I'd love to see him in it.

Hey, hey! That's my hat right there.

I know my own hat when I see it.

That's it, yes, yes.

You see that?

Right!

Alright.

What do you got to say to that?

Now will you have the operation?

I...

Okay, if you insist.

Hey, not now, not now!

No, he's a friend of mine, he's a manicure freak.

Oh!

[upbeat music]

Okay, okay, hey, y'all. Uh, Gums?

Take it up a little high.

- How's that? - Good, good, good.

Fasten it.

Hey! Look who's coming?

[all cheering]

How you doing, man?

Hey, wait a minute. What's going on here?

- What's-- what is all this? - These are my compadres.

You have met Rojo and Apache and this is Gums.

- Hey, glad to meet you. - How are you?

The guys took care of the place while we were at the hospital.

Those bandits were here while I was in the hospital?

They took care of the garage, those thieves?

Why not? I figured now that you got your lucky hat back

nothing bad can happen to us.

Oh!

[theme music]

[Freddie] "Chico And The Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios, Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was crazy for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ Chico And The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico And The Man ♪