Original subtitles

♪ One, two, a one, two, three and... ♪

[theme song]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪♪

♪♪

Uh-huh-huh.

[cars honking]

I'm all jammed up. Come back later.

- Mr. Brown. - Oh, no.

- I'm afraid... - Yeah?

I'm afraid that your car is blocking my alley.

In the first place, it's not my car.

It belongs to a customer.

In the second place, it's not your alley, it's my alley.

I beg to differ with you, sir.

Now that I own this property, it's my alley.

Would you please move your car?

I have the right of way to this alley during business hours.

- Read my lease. - You read it.

That lease expires in three months

and you're goin' right out with it.

Uh, you slum landlords are all alike.

Slum landlord?

You are the thing that turned this place into a slum!

Don't be runnin' away when I'm tryin' to talk to you.

Now move that car, man.

I'll move it when I'm good and ready.

And right now I'm not even ready to get ready.

It's blocking my way. I can't get my truck to my door.

You should have thought of that when you moved in here.

Ed Brown, if your wife were alive to see

what you've turned into, it would kill that woman.

And what about you?

When I first met you

you were a nice, sweet little girl with pigtails.

Now look at you.

A bulldozer in a recap girdle!

Why don't you soak your mustache in gasoline

and throw a match in it?

If I did, it would still smell better than that cabbage

you're cooking. Now get out of my garage.

Don't point your finger at me. Don't point your finger at me.

And don't holler at me, and I mean it.

Now, buddy, cut it out!

Hey.

- Hey! - You.

What, what's all the fighting about?

What fighting? Wait a minute.

- She's the one who started it. - He did, 30 years ago.

The only time this man ever stopped fighting

was when he joined the army during the war.

Della, come on, that's not nice.

Ed was a war hero, he won the Purple Heart.

What for? Cutting his lip with his sharp tongue?

I'm gonna ask you nicely one more time.

Move that car or I'm calling the police!

Oh, she calls that nicely.

You got five minutes before my truck comes.

When your truck pulls in, I hope you're under it.

Ed, give me the keys to that car, I'll--

- No way, I got-- - Give me the keys!

- I'll move the car. - No way.

Well, I've gotta have a drink.

Oh.

Ed, this is no time to start drinkin'.

That's why I started in 1933.

Oh, that woman is gonna drive me to an early grave.

Yeah, unless that beats her to it.

No, I'll, at least I'll go with a smile on my face.

And a hole in your liver.

I'll wear a long coat, so it won't show.

What problem did whiskey ever solve?

My biggest problem, staying sober.

Only problem you've got is getting Della

to renew your lease.

Oh, that's impossible.

All I ever get from her are arguments.

Which you start.

What's the difference who started it?

Takes two to keep it going, doesn't it?

I wouldn't be so modest, Ed.

You could keep on going alone.

- Oh... - Hey, fellas!

- Hi, Louie. - Well, look who it is.

- How are you, Louie? - Good, man.

May I say good morning?

- Only to some folks. - Alright.

Sound like you got some real trouble bubbling.

- Now what? - W-what are you talking about?

Well, when I was coming through the alley

I heard Ms. Rogers sound--

Shh. There.

I said, when I was coming through the alley

I heard Ms. Della Rogers sounding off

about some pig-headed, loudmouth,

stale loaf of white bread.

Right away I said to myself,

"What has Ed Brown done this time?"

Uh, Louie, was she talking to a cop?

No, on a CB radio.

Oh, CB radio, big mouth.

She had to let the whole world know.

Broadcast it all over the place.

Why, she's the chocolate-chip Barbara Walters.

She was talking to one of her drivers, you vanilla-wafer.

I done told you, Ed, to quit foolin' with that woman.

She's a powerful force in this community.

Well, tell me one thing she's done.

Well, she's an organizer of Women For,

an organizer of Women Against,

a den mother for juvenile delinquents,

and a charter member of the committee to save the whales.

- Yeah. - Oh, big deal.

Ed, why didn't you pick a fight

with somebody you have a chance against?

- Like Muhammad Ali. - Ah.

I didn't pick the fight, she did.

[imitating Muhammad Ali] Well, whoever picked the fight don't matter, you see,

cause she floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee.

Come on, show your move. Come on, man!

Come on, show me your best shot.

Here, here, here are the keys.

Go move the car, get out of here.

Alright, I'll move the car, I'll move it.

But after I do, I'm gonna go over and see Della.

And with my Latin charm, I come back

with a new lease in my pocket.

You're kidding, if you could renew that lease

you could get a chicken to tap-dance.

I can do that.

[scatting]

Breaker-1-7, Breaker-1-7.

Break for that Sugar Britches just one time.

[Sugar Britches on radio] Bring yourself on in, Mother Courage.

Girl, have you heard from Big Bernie?

[Sugar Britches] Last I heard, he was looking for a dragon wagon.

on his way into bay.

Okay, 10-4, Sugar Britches.

[Sugar Britches] Eight's another good number, Mother Courage.

Mother Courage.

May I say the perfect code name for you, Ms. Rogers.

[Della] Thank you.

That's a nifty CB rig you got there.

I've been telling Ed he ought to get one of those.

Be great for the business he's been running in that same garage

as a service to the community, to my people.

To the underprivileged, the underfed,

the over-arrested...

...and where he wants to go on serving his fellow man

for many years to come.

Uh, oh, I almost forgot.

For you, Della, from Ed.

Chico, you're very sweet.

But I cannot accept

second-hand apologies or second-hand flowers.

"Second-hand?"

After Ed went out of his way to pick these for you?

Well, he didn't go too far out of his way.

I tossed them in my trash can this morning.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, uh, anybody can go to a florist.

But doesn't it say something about a man

who's willing to grovel in garbage to please you?

Yes.

It says he's cheap.

Della, Della, how could a woman who's done

so much good work with problem children

turn her back on widow Eddie Brown?

Widow Eddie Brown?

That's right, he's in his second childhood.

He threw a tantrum, but now he's sorry.

Oh, Chico, honey, you ought to be with our State Department.

And give up the good job I got now? No way, Jose.

Would you give him a second chance?

Will you look me in my eye and tell me

how a sensitive young man like you

ever got so involved with that bad-tempered old goat?

Yeah, well, that bad-tempered old goat gave me a job.

He gave me a home, he taught me a trade.

He's given me a lot, Della, including a pain in my tacos.

I heard that.

Yeah, but nobody's perfect, you know? I mean, I tolerate him.

And if you throw him out of that garage

it'll be the end of him.

He brought it on himself.

I know, that's why he's a pain in my tacos.

Chico, you're either going to jail

for trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge

or else you're gonna be a millionaire

when you do sell it.

Then you'll give him a new lease?

No, but I tell you what I will do.

If you'll give me a good price on the Brooklyn Bridge...

[indistinct chatter]

[big Bernie on radio] Big Bernie to the base. Are you on?

This is the base. Where are you, Big Bernie?

[big Bernie] In the garage, Mother Courage, in the garage.

In what garage?

[Ed on radio] Ed Brown's Garage. Service with a smile on his face...

Yeah, I told you about him.

Yeah, many years of experience have taught me

that a car is like a female patient.

There's no way of diagnosing until she remains quiet.

So have a little refreshment, Big Bernie.

Yeah, you sure know how to treat your customers.

Ah, lovable Ed Brown doesn't have costumers.

He has friends. Uh-huh.

Oh, look who is here!

The patient's next of kin.

I have not seen such a change of character

since "The Exorcist."

What's wrong with my roach coach, Brown?

Well, I suspect that it's overheating

uh, due to a faulty thermostat, but I'll make sure of it.

Hey, Della, Big Bernie, what do you say, man?

- Hey, baby. - Hey, man.

Hey, how'd you find us here?

Oh, Sugar Britches called us on the CB.

God bless her financial heart.

You don't mind if I open this up, do you, Ed?

- Yeah. - Oh, of course not.

I-I hope you'll notice

that my lips never leave my mouth. Ha-ha.

Wait a minute, who's he? Where's he going? I was...

Hey, you, there's no lock on the john.

No lock on the john? I wouldn't worry about it.

Nothing's been stolen out of there in 30 years.

- Hey, you... - Nice shot!

- Fool. - Hey, man!

Where are the paper towels?

Paper towel's in the supermarket.

Two blocks away, third aisle on the left.

- Della! Wha-wha-what? - [Della] Yes?

Hey, hey, you, my office is off-limits.

Ah, forget it, Virgil's using the phone anyhow.

[mumbling]

Well, I'll knock him limb from limb, I'll put him...

Oh, well, you really got a busy signal? I...

Hey, is this water clean?

Certainly not. That's Los Angeles water. Why?

- I wanna wash my hands. - Oh, permit me.

- Ha. - Thank you.

Hey, you, what are you doing?

- Hey! - Come on!

Ed! Ed!

[clamoring]

Get out of my garage!

Ed, at least be polite!

No more nice guy!

Stop it, stop it, stop that!

- Out of my garage. - If we go, my wagon goes.

I'm including that ptomaine truck.

- Get it out of here. - That cuts it, buster Brown.

Ernie, fellas, come on, let's go for our purchase.

- Yeah. - This is a garage.

- Not a picnic ground. - Oh, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed!

Oh, I've had it with that female chainsaw.

- Oh, Ed, Ed, Ed. - Look what she's done.

She's turned a nice, sweet, gentle human being

into a monster.

Oh, Ed, Ed, Ed...

The moment she moved in here, we've had nothing but trouble.

But she's not gonna get away with it. I'll show her!

Oh, Ed... Uh, where are you goin'?

- I'll show you-- - Ed, what are you gonna do?

- What are you gonna do? - This is now your business.

Watch.

From now on I'm Chico and you're The Man.

- Here. - Ah...

♪♪

- Mornin', Chico. - Hi, Louie.

How's the man for mad today?

He's still in his room, he hasn't been

out of his pajamas in two weeks.

Two weeks, why, he must be taking some strange

interesting shower.

He's just killing time until Della throws him out.

Oh, come on, Chico, how can a woman

who heads so many good causes evict Ed?

It's easy, she's got a great cause. He was rotten to her.

Well, Ed has to be patient.

She'll get used to his rottenness.

- We did. - Yeah.

Hello, Ed.

Hello, Chico.

Hello, Louie.

[sobbing]

- Ed, what's wrong? - Oh, don't ask.

Well, look, if there's anything bothering you

everything's gonna be alright, don't worry about it.

Oh, that's what the doctor said, but I think he's lying.

But what did he say to you?

Not to me, it's Joanna's other husband.

Oh, is that the new dude with the rubber garbage cans?

No, no, Louie, it's a soap opera.

Yes. Oh, poor Warren. He's so brilliant.

He knows what the x-rays have shown.

And he's just trying to protect Joanna

because the shock might bring on a premature birth.

And they live ten miles from the nearest hospital. Oh.

"Ten miles from the hospital?" What does that mean?

What does it mean?

Suppose the rainy season comes on.

Suppose the bridge is washed away

while she's in labor...

Oh, no, no, no.

Who? Who'll deliver the baby?

Uncle George?

[sniffles] He's a dermatologist.

[telephone ringing]

Oh...

Hello?

No, you have the wrong number.

No, this is not Ed Brown's Garage.

It's now Chico's Garage.

Yes. You're welcome.

[Chico] Ed, it's your garage.

No, no, it's not my garage any longer.

Okay, then it's my garage.

But if it's my garage, you get paid to work

not to sit up there and drink and watch television.

Oh, you think watching TV is easy?

Poor Joanna.

Yeah, the batteries in her pacemaker are running low.

And that scheming stepson has hidden the jumper cables.

[sobbing]

Well, look, Ed, if it upset you that much

why don't you watch some other soap opera?

You think "Against The Stream" is any better?

David has just discovered that the girl he's engaged to

is a transvestite.

Well, nobody's perfect.

[laughs]

Well, you sound just like David's stepmother.

Oh, why, why is she so anxious

to get that poor little dwarf out of the house?

That's enough to drive a man to drink.

Well, look, Ed, if it bothers you that much

why don't you watch a game show instead?

- They're happy. - Happy, he says, happy.

Do you know what happened yesterday

on "Let's Make A Bet?"

A young couple from Marshalltown, Iowa,

were one question away from winning

the all expense two-week vacation in Des Moines, Iowa

and they blew it.

They couldn't remember

how many there are in the Jackson 5.

How many are there?

Hey, Ed...

Hey, Ed, why don't you come on and go with me

and take a little spin in my garbage truck?

What? And miss "The Proud And The Passionate?"

You realize that tomorrow

the blind minister is going to learn

that the girl he loves has leprosy?

Oh! Oh, my God.

Maybe some other time, Louie.

After Joanna has her baby.

That may be in September.

Or maybe November.

Could even be December.

Well...

♪♪

Well, Louie, you see what I mean?

What are we gonna do?

Well, Chico, I guess we'll just have to wait

until Joanna has her baby.

Hey, Louie, are you gonna pick up the garbage?

How can you talk about some garbage

at a time like this, Chico?

Bye, see you tomorrow.

[car honking]

[Della] Be right out, Bernie!

Okay, Mother Courage.

[whistles]

[door slams]

Hi, Bernie!

I don't wanna get involved, man.

Come on, all I said was "hi."

- Good morning, Ms. Rogers. - Mr. Rodriguez.

Oh, what do we have here?

Turkey, avocado and raisin sandwich

with organic beansprouts, distilled mayonnaise

on stone-ground wheat bread with unbleached flour.

Are you buying or practicing speed-reading?

Since it-it all looks so good, I think I'll have

this turkey and soybean sandwich.

And just a small skim milk for Ed.

Poor man, it's the only thing he can keep down nowadays

due to his deteriorating physical condition.

Dollar 35 cents, please.

But it's not all physical, some of it's mental, too.

I mean, who wouldn't be upset knowing they're gonna wind up

in the California state home for the criminally aged?

- Your change. - Bernie?

- Yeah? - I mean, wouldn't you?

Hey, I don't wanna get involved, man.

Yeah, that's the trouble. Nobody wants to get involved.

Alright, I'm done playing. Della Rogers...

Compared to you, hard-hearted Hannah.

- Sweet Georgia Brown. - Say what?

You talk about being a humanitarian

about saving the whales.

Ed Brown's an endangered species, too.

Now you wait just a minute. Let me tell you something.

I got enough enemies to fight out there

in the street, in the City Hall, and in Washington.

I don't need another enemy across my alley.

Ed's not your enemy. The fight's gone out of him.

He's a boob-tube freak. He's vegged out up there.

If you take this garage away from him, his life is over.

You want that on your conscience?

Are you trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge again?

Have you seen him in the last ten days?

No, I have not, and it has been delightful.

Come here, let me talk to you for a minute.

Now, when Ms. Margaret died

Ed cut himself off from the world

and locked himself in this garage.

The time has come for him to face up to life again.

Yeah, but now it's worse. Now he's locked up in his room.

Him, his bottle and the TV.

All he does all day is sit, sip and stare.

Sit, sip and stare.

The only thing he's living for is Joanna's baby.

Joanna? You mean, the one with the maniac husband?

You watch the show, too?

Well, it's the only one I have time for.

Poor woman. She's been pregnant for 13 months.

I guess you're right, Chico, I'll have to talk to him.

Maybe not about the lease, but at least about Joanna's baby.

No, talking's not gonna bring him out of the funk he's in.

But yelling will.

You see, that man's not happy about anything

unless he's mad about something.

You may have him.

Stay right here and keep your left, though.

What are you gonna do? Chico, what are you gonna do?

Wha-- Oh, my goodness.

Hey, hey, what's going on here?

What happened? Come on, tell me what's going on here.

- What, Ed? - Uh...

My, uh, what happened to my television?

Susan and Paul were just about to...

Oh, good afternoon, Ms. Rogers.

Don't you good-afternoon me, honky.

Playin' that TV so loud? I cut your juice.

Yeah, how about that, Ed, huh? What nerve?

Well, she's the boss, Chico.

Uh, I tell you what, if you, if you'll just let me

uh, or show me right where the cut is

I'll patch it together

and I'll guarantee to play it more softly.

Huh, she could have told you to turn it down.

We got a good mind to take you to court, lady.

- You ain't got the guts. - I didn't say that, he did.

Don't you play possum with me, Ed Brown.

I teach possums how to play possum.

You got me over a barrel and you know it.

Uh, Chico, if you'll just show me

where it was cut, I'll fix it up--

Don't you change the subject.

You are not weaseling out of this lease this easily.

Lease? Well, didn't Chico tell you?

I don't have the lease anymore. It now belongs to Chico.

That lease is not transferable, and I want to renew.

Oh, sorry, Della, it's too late, too late.

It's much too late. Now where is that...

Uh, well, it looks like you're gonna

have to sell the place to the massage parlor.

- Oh, yes, yes. - Sell to what?

You heard him, you leave me no choice.

- Margaret's Massage Parlor. - Margaret?

My sainted wife's name on a massage parlor pillow?

What are you yelling at her for?

She can't help it if the new tenant's name is Margaret.

You vagrant, you phony, you fraud.

How dare you take a decent God-fearing garage

and turn it to a massage parlor?

Is this your idea of helping your fellow man?

Well, I know some fellow men are gonna enjoy it.

You shut up.

Della Rogers, I'm ashamed of you.

I'm a business person.

It's the only bona fide offer I've had.

Okay, you win, you win. I'll renew the lease.

Now, get out of my garage! Out, out!

I'm leaving, but I'm warning you, old man.

I'm coming back at 10:30 in the morning

and watch Joanna's other husband with you.

And we can cry a little bit together.

- You, hm... - Oh, no, you...

Della, tomorrow this man

is gonna be back in uniform, fixing your truck.

Don't tell me what I'm gonna be doing tomorrow morning.

- I'm the boss here. - Hey, wait a minute.

It says Chico's Garage.

And as long as it is Chico's Garage

I give the orders.

Yeah, it is? Well, I'll show you what I'm gonna do.

Here, watch this.

From now on you're Chico and I'm The Man.

Thanks.

Hello again, fans and ladies and gentlemen.

This is Francisco Ramon Rodriguez E Sanchez.

We're here in the famous Ed Brown's Garage

overlooking the exotic East Los Angeles barrio

or as it as better known Baja Beverly Hills.

An historic event is taking place

as these two adversaries

fight it out in the great lease war.

A ceasefire has been declared.

Can we get a few words from you, Mr. Brown, to the fans across--

Oh, knock it off, knock it off.

Uh, look, Della

if I sign this lease, I think there are a few things

you ought to be doing to my garage.

- For instance? - Well...

I'd like the inside of the garage painted.

On the rent you pay me, forget it.

- Is he gone crazy-- - Well, well, how about, uh--

- How about the outside? - No way, baby.

Oh, well, uh, m-maybe the roof, you know

needs a little repairing, it keeps leaking.

No. I thought you said he wanted to come to terms with--

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What do I get if I re-sign?

You get to stay here ten more years.

You talked me into it. Where's the pen?

It's right here.

And now back to Barbara Walters at her new home in Fort Knox.

♪♪

[narrator] "Chico And The Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪♪