Original subtitles

♪ One two oh one two three and ♪

[theme song]

[theme song]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪♪

[car honking]

[car honking]

Hey, Chico.

Chico!

Hey, Chico, I found my valise.

Yes? Well, uh...

Here.

How are you doing?

I gotta tell you, this is perfect for my trip

to the master mechanics convention.

And I cannot believe you checking to a fancy hotel

with an old bag like that.

Old bag? Well, you thought...

You call this an old bag?

Why, you must be out of your mind. This is a...

[clattering]

An old bag.

Well, rest in peace, valise.

- Ah. - Ed.

- Huh? - Ed Brown.

Ed Brown? You, you know me?

Do I know you? Why, you cranky, old whiskey-swigging goat!

Yup, he knows you, alright.

- Ed, don't you recognize me? - Alright, wait a minute.

Take your hands off me. I don't know you.

I never saw you before in my life.

- Does this remind you? - What?

- Huh? - Hey, that's my wallet!

Give me that, you...

- Harry. Harry Stern! - Hey! Oh, yeah!

Ha-Ha-Harry! An old friend of mine Harry.

I'd know those tricky fingers anywhere.

Chico, why don't you meet an old friend of mine, Harry Stern?

Oh, I gotta tell you, this guy was

one of the greatest pickpockets that ever lived.

He was such a good pickpocket

he would, uh, he was a pickle the peck-peck...

Uh, no, he, uh, he was the greatest pickpocket

that ever pocked the pick a pa, that pickled a pocket-pock...

He was marvelous in lifting wallets.

- Nice to meet you. - Oh, nice to meet you.

Wait a minute.

How you doing, bud?

Ah, Harry, what are you doing in this neck of the woods?

I thought you were living in the East here.

What made you come back to the old neighborhood?

- Just passing through. - Yeah?

I'm gonna practice in San Francisco.

You don't need no practice, you pickpockets

like a true Puerto Rican.

[laughs]

No, Chico. I'm a surgeon now.

A surgeon? Hey, that's wonderful, Harry.

- Now I'm a successful doctor. - Successful?

And I owe it all to this old grouch.

- You mean Ed? - Yeah.

You know something, when he was your age, Chico

he was a pretty wild kid.

First time I met him, he was trying to break in

to my cash register.

Well, there was no money in there.

As usual.

But he did catch me escaping

with his shot glass.

My most prized possession.

I could have gone straight to jail

but Ed stood up in front of the judge

and asked them to give me a break.

He put me in Ed's custody.

- Ed even gave me a job. - Yeah.

- What? Y-you gave him a job? - Yeah.

- You told me I was the first. - Oh...

If not for you, Ed, I don't know what would have happened to me.

Even now if I could only do something to pay you back.

You're a doctor, give him an operation.

Oh, you, keep quiet.

Chico, uh, I could at that.

Unfortunately though, my specialty is plastic surgery.

Plastic surgery? Well, of course, that figures.

He went from lifting wallets to lifting faces.

[laughs] I like your--

- Ed! - What? What happened?

- I could give you a facelift. - Facelift?

Hey, that's terrific, and while you're at it

give him a little body and fender work, too.

Why don't you shut up?

Great, I finally found some way to pay you back.

And it won't cost you a dime, it'll be on me.

Oh, no, it won't. It'll be on me, and I don't want it.

Come on, Ed, it sound like a terrific idea.

You don't have to make up your mind now.

Think it over and give me a call. Here's my card.

- Oh. - Oh, I'm sorry to rush off.

But I gotta catch my plane.

- Ed. - Yeah?

I can't tell you how good it was to see you again.

Well, that's very sweet of you, Harry.

And anytime you're in the neighborhood, be sure to drop in

because I'd be pretty mad if you didn't.

- I sure will. - Yeah.

- What? - A tuck here, tuck there.

Dimple there. Tsk.

- Chico. - Nice meeting you.

Pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, uh, Chico. - Yeah?

Hey!

Just keeping the fingers tuned up.

[speaking on foreign language]

What is it with you, agreeing with him

every time he opened his mouth there?

What am I gonna do with a, with a facelift

especially at my age?

Well, when you gonna get it? When you're my age?

- Nah. - Ed, if something...

If you got a chance to get a facelift, grab it.

Then if something younger comes along, grab that

because if you don't, I will.

Oh...

Ah, good morning, everybody. Good morning.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Let the garbage cans crash ♪

♪ It makes my heart flutter ♪

♪ To you it's just trash ♪

♪ But to me it's my bread and butter ♪♪

Hey, we'll let Louie decide. Let Louie be the judge.

Okay. Louie, be the judge.

Here come the judge. Here come the judge.

Now, Chico, what do you want me to judge?

Alright, Ed's got a chance to get a facelift.

What do you think he should do?

A facelift for Ed?

What does Ed need a facelift for?

- Why, look at that beautiful... - Yeah, yeah.

I mean, uh, ho-how about them being wonderful...

Ed, take it, take it, you might wind up

with a face like Burt Reynolds.

Ed, you gotta get with it.

Nowadays everything is youth-oriented.

- Oh. - Well, I always say.

What you always say?

To each his own, that's the plan.

You lift your face, now I lift my can!

Oh, Chico, there's something said for growing old gracefully.

You know, a lot of people treasure things like, like, uh

well, like antiques and rare old wines--

Yeah, but, Ed, you're the antique

full of the rare old wine.

But, uh, about this facelift

you know, that may take a couple of weeks to do that.

When am I gonna find the time?

Well, instead of going to the convention

go see Dr. Stern and have your face retreaded, that's all.

Oh, why don't you drop that...

You oughta forget all those things.

- Chico! - Ah.

Wow, look who's here.

- Hi, Ed. - Hello, Liz. How are you?

Chico! Chico, mi corazon. Where are you, Chico?

- Oh... - Where is Chico? My corazon.

Oh, your corazon. Hey, Mr. Corazon.

Your lady friend is here, wants to see ya.

That means I ought to leave you two alone.

Yeah. Even your ankles turn me on.

[moaning]

Hello!

Oh, I'm gonna get lip-lash.

[chuckles]

Here, honey. Take this bag.

The dietician at the hospital fix for you

an alfalfa sprout and soya-bean sandwich.

I think I'd rather eat the bag.

Oh, honey, come on, you know I have a deep interest

in keeping you young and strong.

Well, young maybe. Strong, I don't know about it.

Ed, did you hear what she said about staying young?

I don't care what she said. I'm not having any operation.

What operation?

Ed's got a chance to get a free

facelift and he won't take it.

Oh, wait a minute, Ed, before you say no

you better let your mind and your head get together

and talk it over with your brain.

Oh, come on. I don't need any of that stuff there.

All the ladies thinks that I'm very cute.

And Flora thinks I'm absolutely adorable.

Yeah, but with a facelift you would not only be cute

you would be handsome, beautiful and stunning

with a side order of gorgeous.

She's right, Ed, have it done and you'll look so good

you'll have to fight off dozens of women.

With a little luck, you may lose the fight.

Hey...

Go on, Ed, it's nothing.

- I had it done myself. - Yeah?

Wait a minute. You had a facelift?

Yeah, where-where-where did you have it done?

Well, not the whole face. Just here.

Oh, with the nose? Oh, that's a...

It so happens that in our family

we have, uh, the curse of the Garcia nose.

It was, um, out to here

so I had it shortened in San Juan.

So you mean this nose isn't yours and you never told me?

Well, it's mine now.

Besides, you don't ask, I don't tell.

Well, that's terrific. That's really great.

Suppose we get married, then out of nowhere

you spring this Garcia nose on me?

Wait a minute. What has this got to do with us?

Well, just this, suppose we get married and we have a baby

and I go to the hospital, I'm looking through

the nursery window for my kid and the nurse says

"Yes, which Rodriguez is yours? Anita, Carmelita or Pinocchio?"

Then she comes out of the nursery

holding an eight-pound six-ounce bundle

eight pounds of which is nose.

Nariz!

And then while all the other kids are getting lollipops

to my kid they're throwing peanuts.

[mimics elephant trumpeting]

[speaking in foreign language]

Just for that remark, there ain't gonna be no wedding.

I thought you were a nice guy

but now I see you are arrow-minded.

That's narrow-minded.

I meant arrow-minded! You have a pointy head!

Goodbye, Mr. Chico!

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh

[indistinct chatter]

What was that? I didn't know the rail road went through here.

No, that was just Liz and Chico

having one of their famous lovers' quarrels.

Oh, and speaking of lovers, eh, slay one on me.

Oh, come on, Flora, not here, not in front of the pump.

Oh, go on, Ed. Big Ed, live it up.

I'm over 21. Blow in my ear.

Come on, Flora, I'm not in the mood.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, old buddy, old thing, old--

What do you mean "Old buddy, old thing?"

And why does, well, everybody tell me I'm old?

There, first the doctor, now you.

- Doctor? Which doctor? - Yeah.

Not a witch doctor, a plastic surgeon.

Yeah, he wanted to give me a free facelift, you know?

But I told him I don't need it, so I passed it up.

Ed, you turned down a free facelift?

- Sure. - You know what that could mean?

- What? - Charm, beauty, youth.

Sure, I got all those things.

[scoffs]

I am not talking about you. I am talking about me.

Oh, Ed, please, give me that free facelift.

Oh, come on, Flora, you don't need it. You're beautiful.

- Beautiful? - Yeah.

- Beautiful? - Yeah.

Let's face it, Ed.

You are looking at all powder and paint.

Why, this morning I sat in front of my mirror

for over ten minutes.

Ten minutes? Well, that's not a long time to make-up.

I wasn't putting on make-up.

I was trying to work up the nerve to open my eyes.

Oh...

Ed, Ed, do you realize that if I removed all this powder

and paint and lipstick and eye shadow

and false eyelashes and false hair and false padding

you'd be standing here alone?

Oh...

Flora, you're talking about the woman I love.

- Oh, Ed, please. - What, what?

Please, darling, I beg you.

Give me the free facelift.

Do you know what being young could bring back?

- Acne? - No...

No.

No, it could bring back dancing in moonlight.

- Oh... - Parking on Lover's Lane. Hm.

- Yeah. - Going skinny-dipping.

Well, maybe you're right, Flora.

Ed! You're going to give me the facelift?

Oh, no, no, I'm gonna take it myself.

[scoffs] You?

- Yeah. - Why, you...

You're nothing but a mean, selfish, stingy...

...old, old man.

Oh, why, you... You can't say...

Hello, what are you so mad about?

Him!

He was offered a free facelift

and he's going to take it himself!

That's wonderful. You decided to take the facelift, after all.

No, that's what I told Flora.

You see, Chico, Flora thinks that youth is wonderful

and I couldn't agree with her more.

Youth is wonderful, but only if you're young.

And that's what I'm gonna try to prove to Flora.

- Well, how you gonna do that? - Never mind.

But when I come back

I'm gonna have the face of a Burt Reynolds.

Yeah, and a Don Knotts body.

Why, that's no way to talk to your friend.

[laughs]

Flora, I know you're mad

that he hasn't called you in two weeks. He's been away.

He just got back. He didn't have time to call you--

Flo... Now, you don't mean that about Ed. Shame on you.

Flo-Flora, can I ask you a question?

Were you ever a longshoreman?

Flora. Listen, Ed's got a big surprise for you.

No, I don't think he can do that with it.

Flora, please come over. Plea--

Oh, God... Mwah. God love you, thank you.

You're great. I'll see you in a little while.

Oh, sugar, come here and give me 50CCs of nice nurse.

When am I getting my car?

It's been two weeks, Mr. Rodriguez.

Two weeks and you're still calling me Mr. Rodriguez.

Very well, Ms. Garcia.

Oh, you don't have to call me Ms. Garcia.

- You mean it? - Yeah.

You can call me Ms. Garcia!

Won't you forgive me?

My heart says forgive you, but my nose says no.

- And my nose knows. - Alright.

So I said something stupid, okay? Kill me.

I can't. I'm a nurse.

Liz, I have a confession to make.

Now, you're not gonna believe this, but brace yourself.

I'm not perfect.

So what else is new?

No, I'm not kidding, you see, one of my legs

is shorter than the other.

Or one of my legs is longer than the other, I don't know.

But I might crash into myself if I keep walking--

Ay, Chico, Chico.

Who could stay mad at you?

[Ed] Hey, Chico, did you call Flora?

Yeah, she'll be here in a few minutes.

Oh, Ed is back!

Yeah, and then he got a surprise for Flora.

Oh, and what did he get her? A new dress? A new coat?

No, a new Ed.

You know how some people leave their hearts in San Francisco?

Ed left his face in San Francisco.

Alright, man, let's...

[indistinct chatter]

Looking good!

Ed, I can't believe you are really you!

Ooh, wait till Flora sees you.

She's gonna get all hot and buttered.

Ah, Liz, I'm glad you're here.

- I want to ask you a favor. - What?

Ah, come on in the office. I'll tell you. Ah.

Honey, whatever he says, you listen to him.

- It's real important. - Okay.

I'll get your car finished.

Finished.

Hey, Chico, did Ed get back from that mechanic convention?

Well, that's where he told you

he was going, but he didn't go there.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

You know something, Chico, that man's two-faced.

You're close. Real close.

Okay, Ed, for you I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Liz. That's very sweet of you.

Hi there, Louie.

- Hello, buddy. - Uh-huh.

Hey, Chico, now when you think Ed'd get back?

I said, "Hello, Louie."

Hello to you, too, young man.

Chico, ah, ah...

A-ay-yay-yay!

Holy moly! It's you!

It's me. Yes, good old Ed Brown.

I see Ed and I see Brown, but I don't see old.

- Oh... - This a miracle!

- Yeah. - I can't believe it.

Hey, Louie, why don't you go to Dr. Stern?

You could wind up with a face like Ed's.

Oh, no, thanks, Chico.

For me to have a face like Ed, I need more than a facelift.

- I need a race lift. - Yeah.

Unbelievable!

- Hey, tell me, where's Flora? - She'll be here any minute.

Ed, now that you're young, you gotta start acting your age.

Okay, I'll take my nap right away. Where's my bassinet?

- No, no, no, Ed. - What?

You see, well, I mean, you gotta

you gotta be like young people, you gotta know how to get it on.

Get it on? I got it on. What is all this then?

No, no, Ed. Ed, get it on means do your thing.

Oh. Well, I don't have any trouble doing my thing.

My trouble is remembering what my thing is.

- That's bad, man. Real bad. - Yeah.

- Oh, I thought it was good. - Well, bad means good.

- Oh, that's good. - No, that's bad.

Well, what's good?

Anything between two consenting adults.

- Hey, you're right. - See, Ed, now...

Now you gotta learn how to, how to talk

the way we talk nowadays. For instance...

- Okay, listen to me. - Yeah.

Hey, mama, you wanna, we'll flash, let's crash

and we'll stash at my pad, it's alright

it's out of sight, it's dynamite!

- Want me to try that? - Yeah.

Okay.

Hi, mama, you wanna, let's make out flash.

Let's stash, then we'll crash in my pad and that's real bad.

It's dynamite, it's out of sight and that's alright.

[laughing]

That's good, Ed. That's bad, I mean.

- That's really bad. - Yeah?

Okay, now let's, now that you know how to talk that way

you also have to learn how to walk that way.

- Okay, watch very carefully. - Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Now you try that.

- How's that? - Well, it needs work.

- Well, shake. - Yeah, okay.

No, you don't shake that. Oh, I gotta show you how to shake.

Alright, watch this. Let's shake, mama.

[clicks tongue]

Hey-ooh!

Hey, that's great.

Well, can't we just shake hands?

No, you can't just shake hands.

Now, Flora will be here any minute, get yourself together.

Yeah, I want Flora to get the full impact

of this fabulous face.

I'm gonna shock her right out of her support hose.

- Ed! Whoo-eey! - Oh! Here she comes.

- Are you there? - Hey, come on.

Get your program together, man. Okay, look good.

Hi, Chico. Hi, Liz.

- Ed! - Hey, mama, let's fake out.

I mean, let's break it and you can flash in my rash.

I mean...

you can scratch your cat in my flat.

Mm-hmm. Ah.

What did he say?

Well, he merely indicate his extreme delight

at accompanying your gorgeous person--

- Oh... - Why, you miserable--

- Oh, Ed. - What?

Ed, you look young again!

Oh, Flora, isn't he something else?

It's enough to melt your Medicare card.

Right.

Oh, oh, Ed, from now on

we are going to look sensational together.

Hm, we'll start celebrating tonight.

I'm not too sure, Flora, now that I got this funky face

I figure on falling by the marina tonight

and finding me some fine young fox and let it all hang out.

Mm-hmm.

Isn't that what you would have done if you had the facelift?

Mm, well, at one time I might have thought so

but I don't know now.

I mean, you do have a new face, I'll grant you that

but it's still hooked up to the old arteries.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, mama, why don't you take big daddy over here

down where you work and introduce him

to some of the young nurses down at sick city?

Him?

One day with a young nurse

and he'd be back with an old nurse

in intensive care.

[mumbles] On the other hand, why do I have to go look

when there's a young nurse right here?

Hey, man, put on some songs and let's jive.

What do you say? Ha-ha...

[upbeat music]

What do you say, mama? Do you hustle?

I don't have to. I make a nice living as a nurse.

Hello. How's that?

Last week Ed was ready for Sun City

now he's on "Soul Train!"

Ah, watch this. I'm gonna take a turn for the nurse.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, man, this is too much.

You and me gotta do this every night.

Why not? And I'll tell you what?

We'll pick up a couple of girls, we'll make it a foursome.

And if they don't wanna do a foursome... Ah...

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, okay, knock it off.

Okay, I know this whole thing was a big joke, Ed.

But you've made your point.

I mean, I have created a Frankenstein.

Oh, and a gorgeous Frankenstein.

Well, you look young, you want young.

Well, Ed, that's not me.

- So I'm leaving. - No, no, wait a minute, Flora.

Wait a minute. We were just doing a number on you.

I was just trying to show you that there's no fool

like an old fool who's trying to be a young fool.

And I guess, well, I guess maybe I was wrong.

Well, actually, everybody was wrong and everybody was right.

How can everybody be wrong and everybody be right?

- That's wrong. - That's right.

But to teach me a lesson

did you have to go through the pain of an operation?

Ed, the game is over.

Yeah, man. Better say goodbye to 1956.

Oh, can't I be young for a few more minutes?

- No. Better come on. - Well, alright.

But, you know, I did go to Dr. Stern

that is, after I went to the convention.

And they gave me a fantastic make-up job.

Ow! Oh, boy.

This is a real rip-off, this...

Aww!

Oh, ace, you did it all for me.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, Ed, I've been telling everybody about-about the new...

...face!

That's the trouble with everything these days.

Nothing holds up anymore.

Dishwashers, toasters and now faces.

You're old again!

Wrong, Louie.

He is still young where it counts.

Yeah.

- Up here. - Yes.

- And here. - Yeah.

- And-- - Ah-ah, that's fine.

That's right, say, let's put on some music and get dancing.

- Why not? Alright. - Oh, that did it. Oh.

[upbeat music]

Oh. Shall we dance?

Let's.

♪♪

And I... Did you hear me, Chico?

- Yeah, I heard it. - Ah.

You know, some people might criticize what I did.

But I don't care. You listening, Chico?

- Yeah, I'm listening. - Oh, yeah.

Ah, you may not understand that now

but what you don't know is

how you're gonna be behaving when you get to be my age.

You know what I mean, Chico?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

[indistinct chatter]

Clean the garage. Clean up. I'm gonna have a drink--

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

You can't do that. You only want...

[indistinct chatter]

[speaking in foreign language]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was crazy for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪