Original subtitles

One, two, one, two, three and...

[theme song]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The man ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will For Chico and the man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and the man ♪

[traffic]

[hammering]

[whistles] Hey, hey, hey, man.

Do you have to hammer so loud?

Yeah, show me how to hammer quietly.

Never mind, man. You woke me up.

- Aren't you even sorry? - No.

Man, I was in there having a beautiful dream.

You and your doggone hammering, you woke me up.

I was having this dream about this gorgeous girl.

I kissed her on the lips

kissed her on her cheeks, kissed her on her neck.

Then I said, "Hey mama, let's make

some beautiful music together."

And she said, "Not tonight, Chico, I have a headache."

You know what gave her that headache?

You and your doggone hammering.

Oh, stop screaming, it's not my fault, that was all your idea.

You and your all night garage. Look at this!

"Ed's New open 24 hours a day, we never close garage!"

See, you spent all day coming up with this idea

and now that it's night time, you're falling asleep.

Well, I still got five minutes till I go on my shift.

Honey, get rid of that headache, here I come.

[hammering]

[barely audible] Hold still, brother.

Hold still, brother.

Alright, brother, this is a hold stick.

Um...

This is, a-a-a stick hold.

Get 'em. Get 'em up, this is a push up. Uh...

Now you should cry, "hands up?"

Thank you. Hands up!

- You got it. - That's better.

Now, get over to your cash register and don't move.

Wait a minute, how am I gonna go over to the

cash register if I don't move.

Now listen, I'm new at this.

So, please be careful, 'cause I'm very very nervous.

Yeah? Would you like a tranquilizer?

- I got one over there-- - Hold it right there, brother.

I may be nervous but I'm not stupid.

- Get going. - Okay.

But don't shoot. You'll have awake Chico up.

Ah, here's the cash register, right-right over here.

- Alright, no tricks now, okay? - Okay.

Stay right there, brother.

[cash register dings]

There's no money in here, where is the money?

Will you take a check?

Will you stop confusing me? Now, where was I?

Well, let me see, uh...

You were holding me up at gun point.

- Thank you. - Okay.

This is a stick up.

Where is the money?

Where's-where's the gun?

What did I do with it? Where is the gun?

Oh, I can't tell you. If I told you, I'll become an accessory.

Okay.

I remember, it's in the register.

I want your word of honor that you won't

try any tricks when I turn my back on you.

I promise you, word of honor, won't move.

Okay.

- Alright? - Yeah.

Okay, this is a stick up!

You gonna hold me up with a shot glass?

I know it's a shot glass.

I just wanted to see if I can trust you for a minute.

That's all. Uh-huh, that's the gun!

Now we go, brother! This is a stick up.

Wait a minute, this is a toy.

I know. I'm scared to death of real guns.

Give me that here.

Look at this, I failed again.

That's it.

It's the story of my life.

I fail at everything I try.

Ah, don't take it so hard.

I thought you were doing pretty good.

You came in here,

shoved the gun in my back said, "Stick 'em up."

Then said, "Where is the cash register?"

and I took you over there, you said, "Where is the money?"

You were doing great until you

got mixed up with the shot glass.

You know, you are a very, very nice man.

Aw, thanks. Say, what made you become a thief?

- Hey, a guy's gotta live. - Yeah.

I got a family, a wife, two kids.

- Two kids? - Yeah.

My youngest kid just joined the girl scouts.

I'm a little worried about him.

Oh.

You know something, for all that, man

you got a great sense of humor.

Oh, I used to be a comic.

- You used to be a comic? - Yes.

- You were in show business? - Yes.

How do you like that? I was in show business too.

No kidding. What kind of an act did you do?

Well, I was a song and dance man, you know.

♪ A way down above this longsy river ♪

♪ Full fall glory ♪

[both singing and dancing]

- Oh, God! - Ah, you know--

Ah, you should've stayed in show business.

Boy you-you dance like a butterfly.

Aw, thank you! What kind of an act did you do?

- Oh, I was an insult comic. - Insult comic?

- But it's funny insults. - Yeah?

Like my first job, I walked out, there was a guy

sitting out there, I mean a "Guy."

He had shoulders like this, weighed 300 pounds

and he's sitting with a girl.

I said, "Excuse me, buster.

"Either your girl is wearing a low-cut dress

or I'm seeing things or both?"

[laughing] Hey, that thing was pretty funny.

Yeah, the customer didn't think so.

But the nurses when they rushed me to the hospital

they thought I was a ride.

- They loved it. - Aha.

Well... it's been nice chatting with you.

Yeah.

I suppose you wanna call the cops and get it over with.

No, I'm not gonna call the cops.

You're just a fellow who's had a little hard luck.

You made a couple of mistakes, that's all.

I'm gonna help you out.

Wait a minute, where is it? Over here.

Ah! I got it right here.

I'm gonna give you a 20 to help you on your way.

- How is that? - Boy, you're serious?

Yeah.

I-I know this is gonna sound corny

but I'll pay you back, somehow... or someway. I will.

- Yeah. - For the 20 bucks.

You-you-you are terrific.

You got it all here, your whole heart and I thank you.

Don't get so choked up.

These days all 20 bucks will buy you is a sandwich

and a cup of coffee.

Oh!

You know what I'm gonna do with this 20 bucks?

- What? No! - I'm gonna go straight. Yes.

- You're gonna go straight? - Yeah.

That's wonderful.

But just in case it doesn't work out

here's your gun again.

You son of a gun, you really think good.

- Yeah. - You really do.

- Gotta take care. Watch tha-- - Hey, a robbery!

Don't anybody move. Especially me.

[karate yells]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

Take it easy with all that karate stuff.

This man is harmless.

So am I, I only know the sounds.

Oh!

Ah, you better get going, friend.

And next time you pass my garage... keep going, huh?

- Hey, thanks again. - You're welcome.

Thank you.

- Hey, man? - What?

Who is he?

Oh, he is an ex-comic who is now an ex-hold up man.

I gave him 20 bucks to put him on his way.

And the muggers in this neighborhood usually

only get 10, you were robbed.

Come on, let's go, get in here, come on, get in here.

I just caught the guy that held you up.

- He, held me up? - You held him up?

I held him up? He's holding me up.

Seen this guy about an hour ago hanging around here.

Looked suspicious to me.

I frisked him, didn't have a cent on him.

Seen him coming out of here a couple of minutes ago.

Still looked suspicious, frisked him again

he had 20 bucks on him, an open and shut case.

Aw, Harroway, what's the case gonna sound like in court?

Your honor, the officer alleges of my client

obtaining this money illegally.

But I ask you where is your evidence of anything illegal?

Uh-huh, good point.

Here, here's the money, here's the gun.

He used the gun to get the money.

- That's illegal. - Good point.

Well, how did you get the money back from him?

I took out my gun and he gave me the money.

But you just said getting money with a gun is illegal.

Aha! Good point!

- I rest my case. - Good point. Good point.

Ha-ha. He's pretty smart guy, isn't he?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I am a police man. I--

I accept your apology. Case closed.

Wait a minute! Where are you going?

Stay right here. I ought to take you all in.

You two for obstructing justice.

Ah, wait a minute, Harroway, hold everything.

This poor fellow had a hard luck story, you see.

He thought he was gonna be a hold up man

but it didn't work out.

See, there's nothing you can do about it

because I'm not gonna press charges.

Good point! Good point.

In this day and age,

I have found one of nature's noble men.

They'll never believe it down at the station.

Hey, just proved once again that justice always triumphs.

- You said it. Yes. - Excuse me.

Uh, could I have a four fives for the twenty?

Four fives for twenty? Sure, let me see what I got here.

There you go, five, ten, fifteen and twenty.

- Thank you very much. - Wait a minute.

- Where's the 20? - The cop's got your 20.

Uh-huh, good point!

- Buenos noches, Ed. - Hey, just a minute.

Where do you think you're going? You're an hour late.

- Where have you been? - Yeah, you see, I got held up.

We were making out at the movie theater

we were making out in the back of the car

we were making out when we said goodnight.

What took you so long?

Well, it was three different girls.

Oh!

I bought the news paper.

There's something I think you ought to hear.

I don't wanna hear it, what does it say?

"Found a good Samaritan, a man with a heart of gold

"lives in East Los Angeles, he runs a small all night garage

and his name is Ed Brown."

Hey, what do you know.

"This reporter was at the East Lost Angeles police station

"last night when Officer Francis X. Harroway

"checked in with a routine report that wasn't so routine.

"It was about a man who stretched out his hand

"to help a poor derelict who'd come in to rob his garage.

"But Ed Brown, a man of warmth, compassion

a saint in overalls--"

"A saint in overalls," I must have cards printed.

"Gave the robber $20

"and sent him on his way with hope for the future.

Indeed one good Samaritan still lives and his name is Ed Brown."

That's me.

Well, we now have a new religious holiday.

- What's that? - Saint Grump of the garage day.

Ah, come on. Never mind that.

I'm going up to take a little nap.

And you have a good evening, my son.

Oh, yes!

[Ed humming]

Look at that, his feet barely touch the ground.

Now let's see what he messed up here.

Don't move, this is a hold up.

Just show me where you keep the cash.

Go!

Okay, please don't shoot me, I bleed easy.

I just washed the floor.

[cash register dings]

And don't you make a noise for five minutes.

Don't move, honky.

This is a hold up.

Forget it, you're late. This money is mine.

Are you crazy? Give me that dough.

Just a minute. I'm not the owner of this garage here.

He is.

I got this money from him in an honest hold up.

I'm a stick-up man too.

So, what? We ain't got no union.

You can't do that. Did you see what he just did?

Make him give that back.

Please, I don't wanna get involved.

I've just been robbed. Go, call the police.

Hey, man. Don't mess with Bubba.

Cool it, Brother Bubba, you'll be dead

if a fuzz come in here and put a club upside your head.

So, don't be funny, don't be jerky

give the money back to this turkey.

Right! Right.

Now, let's-let's face it, between the three of us

I was here first, so why don't you do the right thing too

and give me back my money?

Thanks.

Good, now we can start all over.

This is a stick-up, man. Give me the dough, come on.

- I got a gun. - Yeah? And I got a gun too.

Surprise on both of you. I got a gun too.

It is a shame.

Last night, I read in a paper

this was a place of the good Samaritan.

Yes, I read that article too.

It's terrible the way they're letting people get away

with things these days.

Yeah, you know, it kind of shakes you up to think

how we're lied to and cheated and robbed.

Oh, fellas, fellas, wait a minute now.

Come back in here.

That's no way to leave. Come on.

I don't want you to go away mad.

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed in you.

What are you disappointed in me for? I'm not the good Samaritan.

I'll tell you what, I'll go out, I'll buy some sandwiches

and we'll sit and we'll have some coffee and we'll talk.

- What do you say? - That's not a bad idea.

Come on, have some coffee.

Alright.

Don't move! This is a stick-up.

Have some coffee.

Hey, how come I got a corned beef without mustard?

Mine's worse. I got mustard without corned beef.

Alright, alright, I'll complaint

to the delicatessen tomorrow, okay?

Alright, don't move. This is a stick-up.

[all laughing]

Ah, so how many are you? One? I got a table right over here.

Ah, boy!

I couldn't sleep.

I had a terrible dream.

I dreamt, I heard voices.

In my garage, people were having a party of some kind and--

Oh, no!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your host for the evening

the good Samaritan himself, good old Eddie Brown.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute. - Alright!

♪ He is a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he is a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he is a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

What is this, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?

Ed, this is the good old Eddie Brown fan club

the one you started last night.

All these people wanna shake your hand

the one with the money in it.

You know good old Eddie Brown.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is paying for all this food?

Like I said, good old Eddie Brown.

Oh! How do you like that?

I do one lousy good thing

and now I've to pay for it for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do but hey, about this food.

- I wanna tell you-- - I'm Torres, here.

- Take my sandwich. - I don't want a sandwich.

- Don't talk, eat it. - I don't wanna eat it.

- But it's better than good. - Wait a moment, here!

- Take this. - I don't want anything. I--

- But it's bourbon. - I would--

Bourbon? Oh!

That gives all.

That's all I need.

Oh, say, miss. I beg your pardon but can I do anything for you?

Funny, sailor. I was just about to ask you the same thing.

How do you like that?

The first time my ship comes in, I've sunk my pier.

- Poor baby. - I'm sorry.

- Who's your friend? - Can I help you, madam?

Don't call me "madam." I work alone.

I read about your charitable gesture

in the newspaper, big spender.

I always say, "Charity begins at home."

And if you're ever on my house, just feel at home.

Well, well, well. Look at this.

Looks like the good Samaritan business is booming.

Well, well, Harroway, I'm delighted to see you.

You came in the nick of time.

Brown, it is illegal to have so many in here

unless half of them are Buicks.

You got a good idea there.

- Okay, you throw 'em out. - Me throw 'em out?

- Yes. - Just a minute, Brown.

I was over here yesterday and tried to do you a favor.

But you wouldn't press charges. Now, you throw 'em out.

What am I gonna use for charges?

Well, there is one person here you can't charge with anything.

That's her, 'cause I don't think she accepts charges.

Just American Express.

As a matter of fact, the only one here I could charge

with anything is you.

- Me? - Yeah.

Running a mission without a license.

I'll give you a half hour

to get all these people out of here.

Otherwise, I'm giving you a citation.

A citation, why you dirty...

Chico, what are we gonna do?

What do you mean, "What are we gonna do?"

You gotta get these people out of here

but you got to be aware and sensitive of their feelings.

You have to use tact, delicacy, understanding.

"Tact, delicacy, understanding."

Alright, you bums. Out of my garage.

- Hey, Chico. - Hey!

- Hey, Charlie! - Huh?

- How are you? - Yeah.

[imitates Ed] Looking good!

- That's a beautiful suit there. - Thank you, thank you.

When you gave me 20 bucks and I said, I was gonna go straight?

- Yeah. You went straight? - I went straight.

- Straight to the race track. - Uh-huh.

Yeah. There was a horse running in the fifth called Insult.

I bet the 20 on him, he came in first, paid eight to one.

Got myself a nice wardrobe, gave me a little confidence

went to audition in a night club

heckled a few people, they loved it.

I insulted 'em, they loved it even more, I got the job.

And I-I-I feel great and I owe it all to you.

Aw, thank you but that's marvelous.

You got a job in the club insulting people.

Should've seen me last night, it was magnificent.

There was a lady sitting down in the front, I said

"How do you do, madam. You look like a flower

a cauliflower." Oh, amazing.

Hey, did she like that?

No, she didn't like it but the crowd roared.

She-she got mad and left.

Yeah, hey, I got a great idea. You can help us out.

That's right, listen, we gotta get these people outta here

and now you owe us a favor.

So, why don't you insult them out of here?

Insult these people?

- Yeah. - Please.

Okay.

Alright.

Hello, look at this.

I just left Chico and walked right into Hoppo.

[all laughing]

I've been there, I've been noticing your figure.

[giggles] Oh!

You gotta do something about it.

[all laughing]

What you ought to do is uh, maybe if you stood straighter

throw your chest out if I had that chest, I'd throw it out.

[all laughing]

- Well, I never-- - Oh, come on.

Not even once in a while?

[all laughing]

Hey, wait a minute. I resent those remarks about my figure.

- I happen to be a model. - Really?

- In fact, I'm a cover girl. - Cover girl? Hm.

- Magazine or manhole? - "Magazine or manhole."

Oh, my goodness. He's something.

I have never been so insulted in my life.

Hey, it's beginning to work.

Thank you. Well, I--

Say, folks, did you hear how he insulted that lady?

Well, I never--

In your case, I could believe it.

[all laughing]

Hey, Charlie, it's working like a charm, man.

I'll have them move out of here in no time.

Hey, sucker. That dude's a friend of mine.

Aha, another county heard from--

Hey, hey, hey, don't-don't mess with Bubba, man.

Will you let me handle this?

You wanna get rid of them, don't you?

Please, Chico. Trust me.

Bubba, is that your name?

I'd chew you gum all the time, Bubba gum.

Say, man. Don't start up with Bubba.

Hey, I'm rolling now, man and it's in my blood.

Your blood's gonna be on the floor in a minute.

Will you trust me, Chico, please?

You wanna step outside?

Okay.

- Well, come on! - You want me to go too?

Yeah!

Hey, listen, Charlie. Don't go out there with Bubba.

He'll break your arms and use them as splints for your legs.

He'll weave your fingers into a basket

and stick you in it, man.

No kidding. He'll have to kill me first.

Please, calm, Charlie.

Hey, man. What're we gonna do? They'll kill Charlie.

Oh, no, but don't worry about it.

I think where it become an all night mission.

This whole thing is just impossible.

"Mission Impossible." You hit it right on the head.

Your good Samaritan's about to self-destruct. Leave it to me.

I'm sorry, I left in a huff but that gentleman is no gentleman.

- Oh-oh. - And I'm a lady.

My dear, you have my apology.

Accepted, Mr. Brown. You are a gentleman.

- Thank you. - Oh!

Would you do a lady a favor?

- Anything for a lady. - Thank you.

I just wanna write my phone number on your wall.

Yeah, you might write.

- Wait a minute. - Okay, everybody.

Don't make a move, this is the real McCoy.

Okay, here. Have a sandwich.

Sit down before I plug you, man.

Hey! This is the stalking bandit.

I can tell by the run in his face.

Okay, everybody. Put your valuables on the table.

Alright, hurry up, put your valuables in the table.

You too, mama. Put your valuables on there.

Okay, pop.

Give me your valuables.

Ah, it's all in the cash register, follow me.

Don't nobody move, I shoot him behind the nose here.

Don't you move.

Okay, old man. Where is your cash register?

Don't worry about the cash register.

- Oh! Oh! - Your money or your life?

[screams]

Come on, old man. I'm not playing around.

Your money or your life?

Take my life, I'm saving money for my old age.

I'll knock your teeth so far down your throat

you'll have to bite the buttons of your underwear.

[thumping]

Oh, no! You can't do this to me.

I got witnesses outside.

Don't worry, after I take care of you

I'm gonna take care of them with this gun.

[bursts]

Let's take a look and see what happened?

- Hey! - Ha-ha.

- We did it. Alright, alright. - We did it!

- Yeah. - We scammed them.

We scammed them all.

Just wait till--

Charl! Charlie! What happened?

Man, I never expected to see you alive again.

Yeah.

I beat him, I beat him.

You beat Bubba? You must be a fantastic fighter.

I'm a lousy fighter.

I'm a fantastic runner.

[Bubba] You're in there, puppy?

Son of a gun. Here we go again.

[grunts]

- He went, he went that way. - Thank you.

When you are a good runner like me

you gotta give your opponent a head start.

[exhales deeply]

Well... we did it.

- Yeah. - Finally got rid of 'em.

- Let's go to-- - Stick 'em up!

I said, stick 'em up!

I hate to do this but I'm a little short.

- Let us get some sleep. - That's a good idea, man.

This 24 hour a day garage business has got me tired.

Hey, sailor. Can I give you a lift?

[theme song]

[male announcer] The little older man was played by Billy Barney.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was crazy for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico And The Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico And The Man ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ It's alright ♪