Original subtitles

♪ One two a one two three and... ♪

[theme song]

♪♪

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You get to see the morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and the man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and the man ♪♪

Chico! Chico!

Yeah, I'm here.

You know, I need your advice.

Which one of these jackets do you think your Aunt Connie

would like to see me in?

Now, this is the one I wore the first time we met.

And this is the one I wore the night I took her out on a date.

Okay.

And this is the one I wore the night I propsed to her

and she refused.

Well, no wonder she refused. Look at the way you're dressed.

Come here, let me help you.

- Oh, sorry, oh... - What are you doing?

Chico! Chico!

Aunt Connie!

Ha, ha, ha!

[speaking in foreign language]

Eduardo!

Eduardo.

She called me Eduardo.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Why, Ed, you've put on a little weight.

And this is the jacket you wore the night--

Yes, this is the jacket I wore, the night

I refused to go on a trip around the world with you

unless we could get married.

Please don't mention that word marriage.

Or maybe I was being a little prudish.

I wouldn't say you were being prudish.

I would say the word was, um...

Stupid.

Chico.

Please.

Ed, travel is so educational.

Winning the lottery is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I learned so many things in Europe.

One thing I learned is that St. Peters is the largest

cathedral in England.

Yeah.

St. Peters is in Rome.

Well, when you've seen one cathedral, you've seen them all.

Oh, I could talk about it all day and I will over dinner.

Uh, Chico, you're both free tonight I hope.

Uh, no, no, unfortunately Chico can't join us tonight. He, uh--

But I was so looking forward to being with you and Ed.

I wanted to be among relatives and friends.

I thought we would have a homecoming party.

A fiesta.

Ed?

Ed?

What are you doing?

Oh, oh, you see, I threw my back out and I wanted to see where

it landed.

Aunt Connie?

Uh, see, I have plans that I can't change.

I have got two tickets for the premiere of "Godfather"

part three.

But that's not going to be released for two years yet.

Oh, well, I got to get good seats so I'll get in line early.

You're a poor liar.

Oh, you certainly are.

I thought I taught you to lie better than that.

Connie, my dear, I was being very selfish.

I wanted you for myself alone tonight.

But tonight is your night.

So, we'll change the reservation from two to three.

- Make it four. - Four, okay.

I've invited a gentleman friend to dine with us.

I was... Wait a minute wait a minute.

Who is this gentleman? Where'd you meet him?

- I met him in France. - France?

- And in England. - England.

And in Italy. And in Greece.

What are we having dinner with Henry Kissingers?

No, he's from Barcelona.

From one of Spain's oldest ruling families.

And now, I must get back to the hotel and freshen up.

See you at 8:00.

B-Bye, Eduardo.

Eduardo.

- She called me Eduardo. - That's wonderful.

Ed, I'll go change the reservation to four.

No, no, wait a minute. Make it back to three.

Because I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

You got to go, that's the woman you love.

Show her who's really charming. Show her understanding.

Show her love, show her passion.

Will she take two out of three?

Ah, forget the whole thing anyhow.

Forget it. First, you wanted to marry my Aunt Connie

and now you say forget it.

Show this guy from Italy, Greece France and England who the real

guy is? Fight for the woman you love. Fight!

Fight, yes, tonight you'll see the fight to the death

over the woman I love.

Now, you're talking.

Just my luck, I'll probably wait and have to to pay his check.

♪♪

This way please.

Thank you.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Si, senior, si. - Gracias.

You must be very fond of this Mr. Brown, eh?

He tickles your fancy, huh?

[laughs]

Mr. Brown tickles nothing, he is not married to.

But you will like him, Don Amelio.

He's a simple, honest, down to earth, unpretentious man.

Ole!

Your cape, sir.

- Aha! - Eduardo.

May I introduce Count Don Emelio D'Ortega Catalan.

Yeah, where are they?

I am Count Emelio D'Ortega Catalan.

And I am Don Eduardo D'Mechanic Brown.

And you must be Chico?

Your Aunt Consuela told me all about your many accomplishments.

Oh, well, my aunt exaggerates, there are still two or three

girls in this town I haven't gone out with.

Sit down. I took the liberty of ordering the drinks.

Oh, that was very nice of you.

- Chico? - Gracias.

- Ah. - Thank you.

- Aha! - Consuella.

- Salud. - Salud.

Senor, Chico.

Ha-ha.

[Chico coughs]

- Tell me, Count Cattle Car? - No, no, no, no, no.

- Catalan. - Catalan.

Uh, Connie tells me you come from a long line of Spanish

big shots.

Ha-ha, that's a quaint way of putting it. Yes.

The blood of Cortez runs through my veins.

My, what large veins you must have.

What are you doing in Los Angeles

Count Cantalope?

- That's Catalan. - Catalan.

Yes, yes. In my line I dabble in oil every now and then.

What a coincidence. Don Eduardo dabbles in oil every day.

[speaking in foreign language]

Aye, what's a cigarelo?

That's a cross between a cigarette and an armadillo.

Oh.

[speaking in foreign language]

He's asking her for money, gigolo.

[speaking in foreign language]

- That's for you. - Oh, thank you.

- And that's for you. - Yes, thank you.

They're very mild, they're very difficult to come across but--

Hey, that lighter's solid gold.

[chuckles] It has a very intriguing history.

- It is forged from-- - Forged?

Yes, I could see that. I could tell it right away.

Oh, garcon.

How about some tortilla chips, huh?

Si, senor, si.

Oh, uh, you were saying uh, Count Catnip.

- Count Catalan. - Catalan.

- Catalan. - Catalan, yes.

I was saying it is forged from a Spanish coin

that navigated the world with Columbus.

Three centuries later, it was a pendant worn about

the neck of Miguel Cervantes.

And showed up later on...

...in the loot of a Spanish gallion.

It was captured by pirates in 1700.

Prophetically, it returned to its place of origin

Spain in 1956 as a good luck charm of the idolized

Matador Ramone Santoya.

Santoya was the one who had the coin made into a lighter.

And he presented it, to his biggest competitor, me.

That Sunday afternoon Santoya died gloriously

on the horns of the brave bull.

And that's the history of the lighter.

Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just to

flick your bic.

In homage to her gracious companionship, I propose to

bestow the lighter on Consuella.

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't take that if I were you, Connie

that's got a curse on it, that lighter.

What kind of a curse?

Well, uh, anyone who owns it has to tell that phony story.

You question the word of a Catalan?

- Let me tell you something-- - Amelio, let us dance.

Ah...

You know something I don't like him.

Me neither.

That guy is a fortune hunter, we got to do something.

Yeah, well, they're playing our song and he's dancing

with my girl and I'll put a stop to it right away.

Hey, you. You.

You're dancing with my girl and I'm going to put a stop

to it right now.

- Oh, yes? - Yes.

How?

- Can I get in? - Oh.

♪♪

Ah, they're playing our song, Connie.

Now, listen closely.

I may not be able to repeat what I'm about to say.

Ed, I think you're a little drunk.

Yeah, that's why I may not be able to repeat what I'm about

to say.

Why don't you get rid of this bum?

That's funny. He just told me the same thing about you.

Yeah, but I'm offering marriage. Well, what do you say?

Forget it, it's impossible, not in a million years.

- It's out of the question. - Is that a yes or a no?

- May I cut in? - Oh, but of course.

Thank you, Aunt Connie.

Uh, Amelio just told me that you're going to give him

the 100 thousand dollars you won in the lottery.

Yes, he's going to invest it for me, isn't it thrilling?

Aunt Connie, do you know him all that well?

- Well, I... - May I cut in?

Sure.

Connie, Amelio just told me that he's going to invest all your

money, is that true?

Yes, isn't it thrilling?

- But you hardly know this man. - She knows him well enough.

May I cut in please?

♪♪

Consuello, Consuello, this visit was a real total fiasco.

Why do we have to wait until Wednesday to go to Hong Kong?

Why can't we leave tomorrow?

Because I haven't seen my nephew in so long.

Why do you have to go to Hong Kong?

Senor, this lady and I are dancing, do you mind?

- Oh, in that case may I cut in? - You may not.

Oh, by all means, thank you very much.

Why do you have to go to Hong Kong?

- It's none of your business. - I'm not talking to you.

- Consuella, this is a farce. - It is not, it's a rumba.

- Will you get off my back? - Sure, if you get off my foot.

Yeah, why don't you put your foot where it belongs?

If I did, you couldn't sit down for a week.

I've had enough of this. Senor, this lady is with me.

Why don't you find your own partner, please?

- May I cut in? - Oh, well, of course.

Bless me.

Why do you have to go to Hong Kong?

I don't have to go to Hong Kong!

I'm not talking to you, you stay out of this!

You stay out of this too.

- Uh, may I cut in? - What's that?

- Oh, yes. - Thank you.

Hey, Ed...

This guy's a fortune hunter and my aunt's falling for it.

- You've got to do something. - What can I do?

Well, for the first thing you can stop trying to lead.

♪♪

♪♪

Would you come on?

You look like Dracula.

Ed, you were something at that restaurant.

You were like a .45 automatic.

You mean hot as a pistol, huh?

- No, loaded. - Oh, loaded.

In that case, I need something to steady my nerves.

Ah, there we go.

Don't you think you've had enough?

Not yet.

Well...

[indistinct]

Now, I'm ready to make that phone call.

Uh, Ed, about that phone call, listen, I've been thinking

I want to prove Count Amelio is a conman as much as you

but digging up his past looking into his criminal record

invading his privacy it's, it's un-American, man.

What's more American than the CIA?

I can't reach the phone.

Yeah, that's better.

Thank you.

Ha...

- I can't get my fingers-- - Okay.

Oh, hello, operator? I want the police station.

Yes. I want to talk to bunco squad.

Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.

[sighs]

Hey, where did I get this?

At the night club when you were criticizing Count Amelio's tie.

Oh, so?

So, that's the part you didn't like, you cut it off him.

Ed, would you stop it?

The LAPD is not going to have something on a guy from Spain.

Yeah, are you kidding?

These guys got information on people that haven't even been

born yet.

Oh, oh, yeah, who's this?

Bunco Squad, what do you want?

I called you? Oh, okay.

Alright. Let me ask you this. You see...

I am a concerned citizen and there is a conman

by the name of Catalan--

- Catalan. - Catalan.

And he's running around here

and I want some information on him and you... You will?

Oh, alright. I'll hold on here.

Ah...

Where'd I get this?

- That's your sock. - My sock?

You must be kidding.

Yeah, remember the count ripped it off you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ed, you're wasting your time, they're not going to have

anything on him.

Shh, wait a minute. Oh, yeah... Hello?

Got the information, huh?

Okay, let's have it.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Oh, boy, that's really...

Yeah... How about that, okay. Thank you very much.

- What'd he say? - Never heard of him.

Man, we haven't got a shred of evidence against him.

We're back right where we started.

Yeah, that's true.

Now, we got to preserve your Aunt Connie's interest.

And bring that Fortune 100 to justice

in the name of decency, honesty and integrity.

And how are we going to do that?

- Dirty tricks. - What kind of dirty tricks?

Well, let me think for a minute. Let me see how.

Oh, yeah, I got it, you know those impersonations you do

that drive me up the wall?

No, master, what impersonations are you speaking of?

That's not the one I'm talking about.

Well, I can see, I didn't say the secret word.

Well, I keep trying because I always love...

I'm not talking about that one either.

Alright, sweetheart, this may not be the "Maltese Falcon"

but it's for the bait, how's that?

No, I'm not talking about that one. Wait a minute I got it.

Why don't you put all three of them together?

All together, I'd sound like a crazy man.

That's the idea.

Chico? Don't forget, play it up big.

- Eduardo? Where is Chico? - What?

Did you call a doctor?

Yes, I called the doctor and he said

Chico is suffering from a compulsive, multiple psycho

traumatic syndrome.

Aye. What is that?

Compulsive means a split personality.

And multiple means there are eight people inside him

all trying to get out the same time and one of them

has a night job.

That sounds terrifying.

Terrifying is like living with the cast

of "The Poseidon Adventure."

Poor Chico. How did it happen?

Well, who knows.

But I guess, he's suffering from a trauma induced by the fact

that he might lose a very close relative, like an aunt

who's going to the orient.

[Chico gargles]

Oh. There he is now.

Now, remember, no matter what he says or does

don't pay attention.

And let it all, you know go by.

Chico?

Chico, come on out of there.

[Chico] Monsieur, there is no one named Chico here

I'm Captain Jacques Custo ho-ho.

Well, come on out, Jacques.

I cannot open the door, all the water will run out.

Ahoy, the Queen Mary.

Oh, please come out, Captain Custo.

Captain Custo? Lawrence of Arabia here.

What happened to the water?

The Sahara dessert's in there, what water?

Lawrence of Arabia here. The man's mad, you know.

Argh!

See, the phobias are coming on him now.

What phobias?

Well, he screamed when he saw us

that means he's suffering from demophobia.

Fear of crowds.

[Chico screams]

- But he screamed again. - Yes.

That means he's suffering from egophobia. Fear of being alone.

How terrible.

Oh, and last night he looked so happy. Aye, Chico.

[speaking in foreign language]

I'm like a mother to him. And he's my little boy.

Hey, I think you got something there.

You see, when a patient has problems

sometimes the best thing to do is to make him regress.

Go back and relive their childhood.

Of course. I remember as a child he used to love stories.

Chico, Chico!

Chico!

Chico, my little chihuahua.

It is time for you to go to bed.

I don't want to go to bed.

I'll tell you a story and you can sit on Uncle Eduardo's knee.

No!

All right, all right.

I'll tell you the story about the three little pigs

and all about the littlest pig

that went, "Wee, wee, wee," all the way home.

Ah, well, you better go easy on the "Wee, wee, wee."

At his age, he's not likely to be housebroken.

Consuela.

- Consuela. - Grandpa!

What are you doing, you fool?

Get off my back. What are you doing?

Oh, Amelio, my poor nephew Chico, he has some very severe

emotional problems.

No wonder.

Working for that madman over there.

You robbed them, give me back my shoes.

I will if you give me back my garter.

- I didn't break into you-- - Gentlemen, please!

Oh, I'm sorry, you are right, Consuela.

Sir, your garters are in the back of my car.

And these are my car keys. My car keys? My wallet?

My money?

Grandpa!

There you go. Sorry, here.

Oh... all over the floor.

Isn't that cute? And he's only 24 years old.

I am not amused, he's a common kleptomaniac.

Amelio, just see my nephew.

[Chico crying]

My nephew's not responsible for his behavior.

Have you no compassion?

Consuela, there is nothing wrong with him.

The boy is faking! This is a hoax, isn't it?

Come on, confess. Confess it.

Alright, I'll confess.

I wasn't any of those things, Aunt Connie.

I was faking, I know I'm a lot of trouble and, uh...

...I'll be leaving now. Where's my robot?

Ah, there you are!

Gorko, my friend, we are not welcome on Earth.

We must return to the planet Zugo!

Roger.

Mission control on Houston. We are ready.

We got to humor him, you see.

Roger mission control, ready for blast off.

Hey, what are you doing? What's the matter with you?

How can I leave him in this condition?

You go on to Hong Kong without me.

As soon as he is better I will join you.

Oh, no, you won't. You decide right here.

You either stay here or come to the east with me?

Which one do you choose?

I choose the east.

Ah...

Of Los Angeles.

Hey!

In that case, Consuela...

...goodbye.

- Adios, Amelio. - Adios.

Brown?

I'm not very fluent in English.

But there's one word that describes you

which needs no translation.

What is that?

[blowing raspberry]

I got a present and guess who it is from?

- Count Catalan. - Catalan.

Yeah, open up and see what it is.

Aye cigars.

Cigars, how about that. Let me read the card.

"Our family motto, humble in victory

gracious in defeat, congratulations."

[cigar bursts]

[theme music]

" [speaking in foreign language]"

♪♪

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the streets ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the man ♪♪