Original subtitles

♪ One two a one two three and ♪

[theme song plays]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will ♪

♪ For Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and The Man ♪

[horn honking]

Hey, lady, what's the matter with you?

Can't you read the signs?

This is Sunday. The garage is closed.

I'm not a customer, I'm your accountant.

You are my accountant?

You are Bill Cronin?

Mr. Cronin had to be in New York

so, he sent me over.

I'm his associate, Maria Esteban.

Well, I'm very happy to meet you, Ms. Esteban.

- Thank you. Now, Mr. Brown. - Yeah.

The tax record you submitted to our office

- were in total confusion. - Yeah.

The tax deadline is day after tomorrow.

I have lot to do here

so, let's get started on your books, please.

Alright, alright, keep your shirt on. I mean, uh...

I'm going to need your last year's invoices.

Oh, good, I knew you'd need them

so, I got 'em all together, I put 'em in a folder

and I marked them invoices

and then I put 'em away very carefully.

Well, where are they?

I have no idea.

Hey, Ed.

What happened?

- I found all of your invoices. - Where?

Try the file cabinet under invoices.

Oh, no wonder I couldn't find them.

- Yeah. - Ah-ha.

Oh, excuse me.

Chico, I want you to meet Maria Esteban.

And, Maria, this is Chico Rodriguez, my assistant.

[sweeping romantic music plays]

Well, come on, Chico, say, uh

"How do you do, Maria?"

And you can say, "Hello, Chico," or...

Why do I have to do everything myself?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get to work.

- And so will I. - Yeah, wait a minute.

Mr. Brown, I'm going to need your ledger.

- My ledger? - Yeah.

Behind the axle grease near the tires. Go on.

But I thinks besides the fuel pods, but I'll got take a look.

- Fine. - Fine.

Would you marry me?

- Please, I'm busy. - Okay, marry me in an hour.

I understand.

But I saw the way you looked at me out there.

And now, I got this ringing in my ear

and I got this beating in my heart.

Do you have a stapler in your office?

You don't understand.

Well, I guess you are shook up by what just happened, right?

Chico, please leave me alone.

I'm sorry, my dear. Of course, you need time.

You need time. It's all so new.

But isn't it great?

[sniffing] Hmm.

Hey, Chico.

We were both wrong. Guess where I found the ledger?

Right by the spark plugs.

- Ed. - What?

I'm in love.

My head is burning, and my feet are like ice.

Oh, yeah.

Hot upstairs and cold downstairs.

I've had that problem for years.

Ed.

I'm telling you, man, it's love at first sight.

Love at first sight? Don't be foolish.

I went through that love at first sight

but I always took a second look.

Love at first sights, it's illusion.

Ed, love at first sight is real.

Why, when King Richard I met his queen

it was immediate love.

- What makes you think so? - King Richard II.

King Richard III, and King Richard IV.

Aah!

Boy, what a woman. How do I break through that shell?

Calls for macho.

I'll look really good, I'll walk her up to her and I'll say

"Kiss me, you fool."

If you do, you'll get a mouthful of garbage.

Louie... Louie, I'm in love with Ed's accountant.

I was always hoping you'd marry a nice doctor.

Louie, I met the girl I wanna marry, man.

There she is.

- Maria, can I help you? - Yes.

By staying as far away from me as possible.

Hey, Chico, you better announce your engagement

as quick as possible 'cause

I don't think you're gonna see her anymore.

Maria, why fight it?

I mean, the way we looked at each other

I can read it in your eyes.

Try reading my lips.

I can't stand the sight of you.

Well...

- Now, Mr. Brown. - Yeah.

I think you're going to have to mark this debt off

- as a total loss. - Uh-huh.

And speaking of a total loss...

Now, Maria, listen, if you can't stand somebody

you have to have a reason.

Yeah, for heaven's sake, give him a good reason

why you can't stand him.

And if you can't think of anything

I can give you at least a dozen reasons.

Alright, if you must know

you remind me of another man.

A man I loathe.

Yeah, that sounds reasonable to me.

- Let's get back to work. - Wait.

Not until I find who this guy is that I remind her of.

Alright.

If you must know it's my former fiancé.

His name is Tomas Garcia.

He's your age. He looks like you.

He talks like you. He acts like you.

And I can't stand it.

And I can't stand you.

That sounds reasonable to me.

- Let's get back to work. - Yes.

Hey, is this guy a mechanic, too?

No. He's a painting contractor.

But aside from that, you are exactly like him.

And I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Well, let's have dinner tonight. I'll do all the talking.

[scoffs] Excuse me.

A little wine, some music-- ♪ La di di ♪

- What do you think, huh? - Chico, don't you understand?

I can't stand Tomas, and I can't stand you.

I don't wanna look at you.

Do-do you wanna look at my books?

No.

But why should I suffer because I look like somebody else?

I mean, is it Moses' fault

that he looks like Charlton Heston?

Is it Martha Washington's fault that she looked like George?

Is it Martin Carr's fault that she looks like...

- Hey, Ed. - What?

Take it easy. Relax.

Everything's-- You think you are in trouble

because you look like him.

Wait till he finds out he looks like you.

Yes, Information.

I'd like the number of Tomas Garcia.

He's a painting contractor.

No, I don't have an address.

But he's my age, he looks like me

he talks like me and he acts like me.

In that case, why don't you try the San Diego Zoo?

[Ed] Hey, Chico.

If you had any brains, you'd, uh,

forget all about that girl.

You know what your trouble is?

When it comes to girls, you never listen to me, Chico.

Oh, I'm listening, but who's Chico?

Oh, no.

God couldn't have made the same mistake twice.

Hey, Ed

I looked all over that store, I can't find any of the--

[both] Looking good.

I am Tomas Garcia.

I understand you are interested in an estimate on a paint job.

Yeah, sure.

Looks like a pair of bookends.

I don't see any resemblance. Do you?

No, neither do I, Tomas.

- I'm Chico, man. - Oh.

Well, I wish you'd get this guy out of here. He's confusing me.

I don't know who's who or what's what.

Cool it, Ed, cool it.

Uh, Ed, have you heard from your accountant Maria Esteban?

How do you spell that name?

- E-S-T-- - No, no, no, no.

Brown, is there an "E" or no E at the end?

Ah, no E, no E.

Yeah, I know Maria Esteban, the accountant, yeah.

What kind of paint do you like here? Flat or gloss?

What a coincidence. He knew an accountant named Maria Esteban, too.

- Flat or gloss? - Wow! Boy, small world.

Then, you say, you were engaged to this Maria Esteban?

- Yes and no. - Yes and no?

Yes, I was engaged to her

and no, I didn't say it, you said it.

That's right.

See, Tomas, brother, this is what's happening.

I met Maria, and I really dig her.

And to me, it's matter of life and death.

So, if it's not too personal

could you tell me how you guys broke up?

If it's too personal, tell me anyway.

Yeah, I can see this is really important

- to you, huh, Chico? - Oh, yeah.

Ah, let's see, Maria...

Maria is an intellectual type

you know, I mean highbrow, highbrow.

As a matter of fact, on our first date,

you ain't gonna believe this

she invites me up to the pad

we go sit down on the sofa.

Then, she says, "Hey, Tomas...

let's do something really exciting."

Hello!

And I say

I say, "You bet!" Yeah.

- And? - We play chess.

And I made all the wrong moves.

Well, that's it, man, on the first date

the only move is let's get to it.

Yeah, I remember that.

Let's get to it.

Now if I could only remember what "it" was?

That's the whole thing with Maria.

She don't go for that kind of thing, you see.

And-- and with chicks and girls and things,

I'm kind of a physical kind of a guy.

I mean, sometimes I get totally carried away with all thing.

Yeah, I can understand that.

The last time I got physical with a girl

they carried me away, too.

Do you know that one night I took Maria to the movies?

Never forget this, "Patton."

There we were, Maria and I sitting next to each other.

Patton yells out

"Alright, we got to take hold of the left flank

and hold on to it."

So, I took her left flank and I held on to it.

Maria screams.

The guy next to me, he hauls off and he hits me.

Well, I hit him back.

He hits me again.

I break his glasses, he breaks my nose.

Maria breaks the engagement.

Does that help you any?

Pardon me, old boy.

It helps me enormously you see.

Most conclusively that you ruffians are

far too physical for us intellectuals.

So, the Trojan war was fought for Helen of Troy

and her lover of Paris who was called Paris

because he had a nose that looked like

the Eiffel Tower, right?

Wrong.

Keep 'em coming, keep 'em coming.

Okay.

Ah, name the three B's of music.

Ah, give me a hint.

Well, they all start with a "B".

Thanks, genius. What's another one?

List the seven deadly sins?

Let's see, it's greed, gluttony, lust...

That's my own personal favorite.

There's envy... and Sneezy, Sleepy and Dopey, man.

Hey, Chico, you think all this stuff

is gonna help you with Maria?

Ed, if I want Maria to like me

I gotta show I'm interested in more than her body

that I'm interested in what she's got upstairs.

And what a staircase.

Here she comes. Okay.

So we'll keep her here long enough

so, she can see how brilliant I am.

Oh, that may take several months.

- But I'll stall her. - Would you just stall her?

- I'll do the best I can. - Well, I'm going.

Chico, just remember

to her, you may look like Tomas,

but to me... all of y'all look alike.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Mr. Brown, everything's done.

All I now need is your signature. Shouldn't take long.

Oh, that's what you think. I'm a very bad speller.

Well, the quicker I'm out of here, the happier I'll be.

But pardon me, but, uh, wasn't the Chinese sage

Han Chong Ling who said...

[speaking in foreign language]

What does it mean?

It means, "Let me say with my final voice

"my life was up to me, we always have the final choice

one from column A and two from column B."

That was lovely.

Thank you very much. I love Chinese.

But you must excuse, my Chinese is a little rusty.

Well, bring 'em in and I'll scrape the rust off.

Sign right there, please.

Yeah, sign right here.

Oh!

What do you know? Busted the pencil.

I got to get another one.

You know, Chico, I never realized

you are such an intellectual.

You are man after my own heart.

You are close, real close.

Oops! Hello.

Sorry, I dropped the pencil here.

I hope I'm not holding you up or anything.

Chico, tell me something.

Uh, who are your favorite artists?

Well, I respond aesthetically to

Renoir, Manet, Degas, Pizarro.

Oh, I love the Impressionists.

Me too. Ain't Rich Little great when he does Paul Lynde?

When he does Paul Lynde, he goes

"Why don't you go to Weight Watchers, you fathead?"

Oh, goodness gracious, butter finger. Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Don't worry about a thing.

You seem to have some very worthwhile interests.

Let's see, where was I?

You were on the floor looking for the pencil.

Oh, yes.

Now, that you know the real me

maybe you wouldn't mind having dinner with him?

- Well, you talked me into it. - Great.

I'll give you my address and then

you come pick me up at 7:30.

Oh, what do you say we have dinner here in the garage?

That way I can cook you a nice dinner including my specialty

"Corn a la Van Gogh" made with only one ear.

That sounds very nice.

- May I have my papers please? - Oh, yes, by all means.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

- See you at 7:30, Chico? - Ciao.

Ed, thank you, thank you for helping me, man.

Oh, what can I say. I know how much it means to you

so, it means a lot to me.

But one thing I don't understand is

why didn't you go to her house to pick her up?

You know, there you could've had a date.

That's just it, Ed. That's too easy.

If I went over there I'll be tempted to

act like the animal she's terrified of.

- Oh. - At least, here it's safe.

The only romantic thing about

this joint is the calendar in the men's room.

At least here, she can get to know me

- she can get to like me. - And then you can become

the animal she's terrified of, uh?

You got it.

It's gonna be great.

May I propose a toast?

Drink to me with thine eyes

and I shall not refuse.

I'll drink to you with my eyes, too,

and we'll save a lot on booze.

One of the lesser known verse of Chaucer you know.

You know, I got to admit

you are not at all like Tomas.

He doesn't even read the signs he paints.

Oh, Chico is a great scholar.

What was that poem you read to me the other day?

Little miss who sat on a what?

Cerebral men really interest me.

I can't stand a man who treats woman as a sex object.

Oh, perish the thought.

Yeah.

I wouldn't worry about Chico.

Chico is the perfect gentleman.

When you are alone with him, you'll be in good hands.

Ah...

Would you like to hear about the seven deadly sins?

Ah, later. I just love the way you think.

[clears throat] You'll forgive me, my dear, I'll go upstairs.

- Goodnight, Mr. Brown. - Uh-huh.

Good luck, kid.

Goodnight, Ed. Angels on your pillow.

Ah, Maria, don't you think it's time we called it a night.

Oh, why? It's so early.

We are just now beginning to really know each other.

Yeah, well, I'm running out of things to say to you.

Oh, that's alright.

A mind like yours needs to rest sometimes.

- More wine? - No, I'm not thirsty.

Thank you.

You know, Chico, this garage could really be kind of comfy.

- Do you have any music? - Music, certainly.

I have something picked out for the evening.

Catchy little thing I've been humming all week.

["1812 Overture" playing]

Don't you have something a little bit more, uh...

mellow?

Yes, mellow, mellow.

Well, how about Rossini's William Tell overture?

It worked wonders on "The Lone Ranger."

Let me see.

Ah! This one is perfect.

That's what I'm afraid of.

[romantic music playing]

Ah, M-- Maria.

Are you sure you wanna stick around here?

Oh, positive.

I just love an intellectual atmosphere.

Intellectual atmos--

Hello.

Now, much more relaxing, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. It's really a lot more relaxing now.

Yeah.

Let's dance.

I don't know how to dance.

Oh! I'll teach you.

You put your hand here, the other one there.

I put mine here

and then, we dance.

Ah, Maria, I get the impression

that you left Tomas because he was too much aggressive .

Oh, that's right, I couldn't stand it.

Uh-huh.

- Isn't it hot in here? - Yeah.

I'll get you some water.

Thank you. I was really thirsty.

- Okay. - Oh, yeah.

Just let me make sure that's safe.

Aww!

Ah, did you know that certain periods of literature

during the 16th and 17th...

centuries were, uh...

were quite interesting specially through...

Mm hmm hmm hmm!

Chico, I'm afraid I'm feeling kind of faint.

Ah, do you have somewhere I could lie down?

Lie down? No.

No, no place-- no, we don't sleep here.

This one will do.

- Yeah? - Excuse me.

- Perfect. - Hmm.

I'll be all right in a minute.

You'll be alright in a minute, huh?

- Chico. - Yes, my dear, sir.

S-- yes.

Now, you can tell me about seven deadly sins.

The seven deadly sins.

- Sit down. - Sure.

Over here.

Of course, my dear.

Uh, well, let's see, ah...

there's, ah...

I always get them confused, there's, uh...

greed, and there's lust--

No, no lust.

And then, there was the Trojan war

which was quite exciting.

And then, there was-- let's see, Helen of Troy

and then the war of 1812.

Lousy war, great overture.

And, uh, did you know that Shakespeare

wrote Romeo and Juliet.

They never wrote back either.

And, uh, and, what about the Chinese economy?

Chico, stop it, stop it.

I can't stand this anymore. You leave me alone.

Come on, hey, cut that out.

What are you doing to this poor girl?

- Nothing. - With a capital N.

- Nothing? - I was attracted to you.

I thought you were attracted to me.

I-I was, I am.

Oh, sure, you don't know how to show it.

Well, I'm going back to Tomas.

He maybe a beast. but at least he makes a woman feel like a woman.

Goodbye forever.

Maria, wait, I can be an animal too. Just listen...

[imitates an animal cry]

Ahh, Chico, don't worry.

Just think all those wonderful words

of that great poet Alfred Lord Tennyson who said

"It is better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all."

- You know what he also said? - What did he also say?

He also said, "I'd rather make love among the flowers

than have to take a lot of cold showers."

I blew it.

I blew it.

Hey, hey, Chico.

- Hi, Tomas. - How you feeling?

- Good. - Hello there, Mr. Brown.

Hi, Tomas. How are you?

Congratulations. I heard you are back with Maria.

Wrong. It didn't work, man.

While Maria was gone

I decided that it was time to stop being an animal.

So, I began to read

philosophy, psychology and art.

Then Maria came back to my life.

So, I figured now we can share these things together.

Wonderful. So, what's the problem?

All she wanted to do was act like an animal.

- Disgusting. - Yeah.

Now, that we are liberated that's all they look at us as,

as a sex objects.

So, why do you looking at me for?

[Freddie] "Chico And The Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was crazy for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah it's alright ♪