All language subtitles for Chico.and.the.Man.S02E16.Reverend.Bemiss.Altar.Ego.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

♪ One two
a one two three and ♪

♪♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard
to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can
lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good
in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see
the morning sun ♪

♪ If you try ♪

♪ And I know
things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico ♪

♪ And the Man ♪♪

[thudding]

What're you doing?

That's Poopy Pasada's motorcycle, man.

The shocks went bad resulted
in the busted seat.

Bad shocks resulted in a
busted motorcycle seat?

Not the motorcycle seat, Poopy's.

[horn honking]

- Hey, rev. - Hi.

Hey, rev, is that what they
mean by a holy roller?

- Yeah, I guess so. Ed.
- Huh?

Uh, I find myself in a very
embarrassing position

and I'd like to ask if you
could give me some credit.

Oh, sure.
Chico, reverend is a fine man.

And for that I give him
credit. How's that?

Well, that's not exactly
what I had in mind, Ed.

You see, what I mean is
if I could just borrow

a cup full of gas.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I put a cup full in two days ago

But by now, of course,
my cup runneth under.

Little scriptural whimsy there.

A little more of scriptural
whimsy like that

you'll wind up with an empty church.

Ed, I'm afraid you just hit
the nail on the head.

My congregation is dwindling.

My parishioners are staying away.

I called on the good Lord for guidance

but so far he hasn't answered.

Oh, reverend, you're a man of the
cloth. You'll come through.

Yeah. Those elbows are
coming through right now.

Hey, Ed, man

the reverend is our friend

I think we ought to help him.

Help him?
Are you kidding?

We don't want to get mixed up in this.

Ed's right, Chico, it's my problem.

And my problem is I don't know

what my problem is.

I mean, all I know is that-that

everything seems to have gone wrong.

Like for instance, right
now, among my flock

there are just as many divorces
as there are marriages.

Now, look at the bright side
at least breaking even.

Yeah, but, all my rituals

you see, are jinxed.

The infants at my christenings

are not house broken.

In fact, he last five babies

I baptized, baptized me back.

Well, reverend, "Into each life

a little rain must fall."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
the most crushing blow

of all was last Sunday

when I did the four commandments.

Four?

That's all I got out before
everybody fell asleep.

Ed, they don't even want to
hear the commandments anymore.

Well, who wants to hear
the commandments?

I don't need the commandments.

I don't covet my neighbor's wife.

Come to think of it neither
does my neighbor.

Rev, look at it this way, I mean

the commandments aren't
really an audience grabber

they're all those "shalt
not's" without any shall's.

Right away you lose all your swingers.

Well, you must be right
because the congregation

sure didn't like my sermon.

I could tell by the collection plate.

Why, how much was in the collection?

I don't know, I never
got the plate back.

Reverend, I think I can help
you with your problem.

You see, what, you... Okay,
that's what I want you to do.

Give me an example of a
sermon you're proud of.

Okay, we'll be the congregation.

Yes. Alright, yes.

Alright, now, this, this week

I am selecting my text

from the "Book of Genesis"

- Uh, chapter two.
- Chapter two.

- The story of Adam and Eve.
- Adam and Eve.

Now I'm gonna start like this.

Dear friends!

The Lord labored for five days

creating the heaven and the earth

and the forest filled with trees

and the ocean filled with water
and then he looked down

and saw there was nobody there.

Now, that's exactly what you're
going to see next Sunday

if you do it like that.

I take it, Ed, that you,
like my parishioners

are not exactly captivated
with my sermon.

Well, I-I guess you could say that.

Uh, you know, as a matter
of fact there's word

that describes your sermon.

Uh, what's the area in the church

where all the family
comes in and sits down?

Pew.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, reverend, if you
really want some advice

let me explain, you don't
interest your audience.

You see, you've got to
sort of, uh, grab them

as they say show-business.

- Grab them.
- Yeah.

That's right.
Ed used to be in vaudeville.

W-what do you think he should do?

Well, I think he should work
with a trained SEAL, but...

Stop clowning, give him
a hand, will you?

Okay, well, you see,
when I was vaudeville

when I was in show-business,
I used to grab my audience

with-with a few jokes
at the very beginning.

- Grab them with jokes?
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, rev, for
instance, he finally goes

into a restaurant he says to waiter

"Do you serve crabs?"

And the waiter says, "Sit
down, we serve anybody."

No wonder you're in the
garage business now.

Yeah.

Now, uh, there's another one

like a woman goes into an airline office

she says, "I want to go to Siam

what kind of planes do you fly?"

And the clerk says, "Air
Siam flies twin jets."

And she says, "They
should be hard to steer.

Siamese twins are joined at the tail."

Huh.

Now, if you're thinking you
can get a laugh with that

go ahead and try it.

I'll-I'll try. I'll try.

I-in my sermon.
Okay, here we go.

- Here we go.
- Yeah, okay.

Dearly beloved!

A gentlemen inquired of the waiter.

"Do you serve shellfish?"

And the waiter responded

"Most certainly, we do

this morning they were
joined at the tail."

Rev, listen, it's not hopeless.

Let me tell you what I
think you should do.

You see, right now, your sermons
like a busted pendulum

it doesn't swing.

Let me show you how I would do

the sermon in hip language, okay?

- Oh, please do.
- I'd like to see that.

- You watch.
- Okay, sit down, reverend.

Right.

Alright, what's happening,
foxes and loxes?

Now Adam dug, that he was the first man

you see I'm saying, that's right, mm-mm.

Yeah, so Adam was the first man

and he looked upstairs and said

"Lord, now, dig, man, I'm
flashing all freaks down here

where is the broads?"

And the Lord said, "Adam,
for the seed for women

your rib shall be one of the kernel."

And it proves that even in those days

the colonel had ribs.

[laughs]

Chico!

Chico, Chico.

That was inspiring!

What did it mean?

Well, never mind that, rev,
you just say what I did

and what Ed didn't, put it all together.

- See if you can get it right.
- Put it together.

Right. I will. I got it, I got it.

Okay, here we go.

Dearly beloved, oh!

Adam was a deal rude.

No, no, he was a real dude.

Yeah, anyway.

When Adam was created he said

"Where are the broads?"

And the waiter said

"We serve anybody. Sit down!"

And he said, "I can't sit down
I'm joined at the tail."

Don't just look down help him.

Ah, what's the use?
It's no good, it's terrible.

I can never catch 'em
with a thing like that.

Look, what's the best thing I should do

is to go to my church put up a sign

that says "Closed on Sundays."

Rev, the-there's a time to
give up, but this ain't it.

- Give the speech one more try.
- I just can't, Chico.

Oh, he's right, Chico.

Nobody could deliver that
sermon the way you do.

I think it's hopeless.

Now, I'm not so sure about that, Ed.

Because I know somebody who
could get up in the pulpit

and deliver that sermon

every bit as strongly

and as well as Chico did.

- Who's that.
- You!

Me? Sorry, no way, Jose.
I'm no preacher, man.

The only reason people think
I took a vow of poverty

is because I work for him.

Chico, Chico.

You don't have to be
an ordained preacher.

Look at my church, many, many times

we have guest speakers who are laymen.

Yeah, rev, but you don't
seem to understand--

You see what I'll do, I'll
get my whole congregation.

No, I can do that.

And I'll have even more
people coming here.

That settles it.
You're speaking.

I'm speaking but you're
not listening, rev.

Listen, please, Chico
will you do this for me?

Rev, how am I gonna fill up a church?

Well, you've got friends, haven't you?

Yeah, I got friends I
got a lot of friends

but-but which one of my friends
would come down to a church

to see me make a fool out of myself?

And now, one final announcement.

Shh-shh.

Ladies, ladies, please.

[whistling]

Thank you Mr. Brown.

Yesterday, due to the
financial condition

of the church, I was obliged

to pawn our electric organ.

So, this week

choir practice will be
held in the hock shop.

Ladies, ladies, shh... Please.

[whistling]

Thank you again, Mr. Brown.

And now, I have

a wonderful surprise

for you that I know you're all

going to enjoy.

Today I am not going

to deliver the sermon.

[applause]

[cheering]

What I meant was...

...that today

we have with us

a very talented

and popular young man

who is going to speak in my stead.

And here he is

Chico Rodriguez.

[applause]

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, reverend.

Thank you. Hey, Ed.

Hello, Mrs. Elderberry.

What're you doing here, Lucinda?

That was a great party the other night.

Yes, um...

Folks, today I'm going to tell

you a story from the Bible.

Now the Bible has been
translated in every language

from British to Yiddish

and always in the
language of the people.

So if I use part slang and part barrio

that's because down here that's
the language of the people.

So now let me lay on you the
story of "Noah and the Ark."

Yes, it came to pass

that the world got onto a bad trip.

I mean, every dude, was
crude, lewd and rude.

People used to go into the art museums

and throw mud on the paintings just so

they could sit around
looking at dirty pictures.

- It was a shameful time.
- Yeah.

But there was one righteous
man in the world.

His name was Noah, sounds
righteous, don't it?

- Say it yourself!
- Noah!

Noah!
Yes, sir, Noah, that's right.

Noah was a righteous man.

And the Lord said "Noah

tomorrow I want you to
cross the Sahara ocean.

And Noah said "Don't you
mean the Sahara desert?"

and the Lord said, "Wait
to see it tomorrow."

[laughing]

"So start building an ark

and get your wife and
children on board."

And the next day the Lord looked
down and saw the Ark and said

"What a beautiful Ark

50 cubits wide by 30 cubits high.

And Noah I said "That's my
wife you're looking at

the Ark's over there."

And the Lord said "No
offense, no offense.

Now, hurry and start getting loaded."

No, put the bottle down,
load the Ark, fool.

And the Lord said, "Now
that you've loaded the ark

"remember this important message.

Don't let the elephants
watch the rabbits."

And then it came to pass,
brothers and sisters.

- Yes.
- That it rained.

And, oh did it rain for
40 days and 40 nights.

And it rained, and it rained

and all those animals cramped
into that small little ark.

Imagine the suffering.

Imagine the hardship.

Imagine the smell!

[laughing]

Brother Brown, sit thee down.

And it came to pass that Noah
wanted a sign of some kind.

So he released a pigeon into
the wind and looked up

and to him came the great realization

never release a pigeon into
the wind and look up.

[laughing]

But that night the pigeon returned.

And in its beak was an olive branch

with an olive still on it.

This could mean only one
thing, brothers and sisters

the world's first Martini.

[laughing]

And then Noah

went down into the galley

and said hello to his
Puerto Rican cook, Julio

who was four foot tall and said

"Julio, my son, are you
enjoying the cruise?"

And Julio said "This is lousy, man."

"We ain't get to Miami, I no see
no girls in bikini on the boat.

We got no beer, no sauce
and no potato chips."

"The animals are making a mess

"where you gonna find a newspaper

big enough for the elephant?"

And Noah said "If you don't like it

why don't you take care of it yourself."

And Julio said "It's not my job, man."

And suddenly

there in the distance

peeking out of the water
was a mountaintop.

Land! They were saved!
Hallelujah!

[all] Hallelujah.

[indistinct chatter]

Thus Noah spoke.

They came to land.

This pigeon has brought us success

but remember, a bird in the
hand can be a heck of a mess.

[laughing]

And the little cook Julio
was overcome with joy

as he saw that he had reached land

and with his last breath he said

"Looking good."

[indistinct chatter]

[applause]

Chico!

[indistinct chatter]

Wonderful.
Wonderful.

[indistinct chatter]

Just like breaking in
a new pair of shoes

it brought tears to my eyes.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me

I have a question that
I've been saving up

all week long.

It's about Lot's wife

turning to salt.

- Oh, I can explain that.
- Oh, not you.

- Him.
- Oh.

Well, Sodom and Gomorrah where these

two guys who lived together...

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[clamoring]

No, no, no, Chico is not here.

No, not today.

The Ladies Auxiliary is
having a group discussion

at two o'clock in...

Listen, if you want to be saved

you'll have to take a number.

And the same to you.

Ah, here you are, your grace

the list of your appointments for today.

Man, this thing has gotten out
of hand, I'm no preacher.

Do you know women come up
to me in the street say

"Is there a life after death?"

"Is there a hereafter?"

In this neighborhood we
barely got to "right now."

[horn honking]

If that guy blowing the horn for
me is Gabrielle, I ain't home.

What is it, rev, what is this,
a new way to get to heaven?

Don't tell me you were on a
quiz show and you lost.

No, no, gentlemen, I'm
thinking of buying this cab.

Ed, would you mind
checking it out for me?

Why, of course.
I'll take a look.

Wait, reverend, you
can't be a cab driver

what if you get into an accident?

You don't know any four letter words.

Chico, it's all done.

I-I-I spent hours and hours

last night going over
the pros and the cons.

So, early this morning,
I-I just sat down

and wrote a letter of resignation

to the elders of the church.

Must have wrote this in the shower.

How do you tell?

Oh, there's these drops
of water all over it.

I-I guess I was thinking
of all those parishioners

that I'm not gonna see
in my church anymore.

I-I don't blame them.

I mean, the truth is that
I've lost the faith.

In myself.

I-I don't have any feeling
of my own worth.

So how can I expect my
flock to follow me?

So they don't follow me.

Ri-right now e-even the young couples

they-they-they, they don't even come

to my church to get married anymore.

They start without me.

A little scriptural whimsy there.

Hey, Ed, man, the rev's crying.

After that joke we should all be crying.

[horn honking]

Oh, what up?

Oh, here comes the ladies.

The auxiliary group for the
two o'clock discussion.

Listen, Ed, we got the
reverend into this

we got to get him out, now
I know it's gonna take

a miracle, but we got to do it, man.

What do you mean, we?

You're the one who got him into this

you're the one who's gonna
have to get him out.

And don't come to me with miracles.

I don't know anything about miracles.

I couldn't perform...

Yes.

Hey, I just thought of the miracle.

- What kind of miracle?
- You'll know when you see it.

Now, keep an eye on the reverend.

You got it.

Reverend.

Oh, ladies, how are you ladies?

Nice to see you and...

Mr. Rodriguez.

We girls had been having a discussion

and what we'd like to know is

was Adam really the first man?

Well, that's what Eve kept telling him.

[laughing]

What would you say, rev?

Uh, well, I would say--

Mr. Rodriguez, I wonder

if you could settle this for us.

Is there life after death?

Only if you live in Pasadena.

Yes, yes, but in scriptures,
you see, it says...

[thudding]

[indistinct singing]

Oh, no.

Once again he has fallen
prey to the demon rum.

Shh, it's only water.

Oh, his drink is the
bane of our existence.

Well, I never!

You'll never? You don't know
what you been missing.

[gasping]

Look, what you did?
Mrs. Elderberry fainted.

Somebody give the lady a drink.

Here it goes, uh...

- What about the lady?
- Oh, the lady...

[women screaming]

- What are you screaming about?
- She doesn't drink.

Well, she does now.

[blabbering]

Ed, Ed, Ed, please.

- Please.
- Oh, sure you can have one.

- If you want.
- Ed, please control yourself.

He can't control himself, rev

I haven't told you but it's
been getting worse lately.

Oh, I hate to see him this way.

Oh, I know it's very painful.

Painful, you should see, what
happened to me last night

when I was leaving the bar

somebody stepped on my back.

Ed, Ed, you don't know
what you're doing.

Oh, yes I do. Watch this.

- You-you ought to be ashamed.
- Ashamed?

Anybody could drink this
poison ought to be proud.

Oh!

Oh.

Say, not a cloud in the sky.

Somebody do something!

Do something? I'll do something.

Watch this. Ah!

[screaming]

Rev, he's gonna ruin himself.

- Can't you help him?
- Yes, I'll see if I can.

Ed Brown!

[indistinct chatter]

I'm talking to you, Ed Brown.
Now, listen!

You think that you are
holding that bottle

but you're wrong, that
bottle is holding you!

Yes, you must fight the
weakness in yourself.

- And you are not alone, Ed?
- I'm not alone? You're right.

I got my friend with me here.

No, because I must fight the
weakness in myself too!

And maybe we can fight it together.

You're not gonna get any
of this. Forget it, rev.

Ed, we have another
friend who will help us.

- Where is your friend, where?
- Up there!

- Up here, oh...
- Hey!

Oh, friend!
Help us in our weakness!

Help us to give it up!

Help us to drop it!

[bottle breaking]

Amen!

Oh! It's a sign from heaven.

- Hallelujah!
- Yes, it is, a miracle.

- What happened?
- Ed, you got drunk.

Drunk?
You think a drunk could do this.

[gasping]

You think a drunk could do this.

[gasping]

And... And how about the
liquor in my breath?

See if you smell any. Ha!

Ha!

The smell is gone.

- It's gone!
- Yes.

He's not drunk anymore.

- Oh, it's a miracle.
- It sure is a miracle.

- And the reverend did it.
- Oh, God bless the reverend.

Whatever it was, I'm glad I could do it.

- Now reverend, I totally...
- Thank you.

Now ladies, ladies, let
us go back to the church

and make a prayer of thanks.

And then after we'll have
a little glass of wine.

I'll drink to that.

[clamoring]

[laughing]

It was a miracle, not like
the reverend thought it was

but it was a miracle, you
gave him back his flock

and his dignity.

Yeah, but I didn't do it.

I merely provided the opportunity

for him to do it, he did it himself.

[chuckles] You was sure convincing
about giving up drinking.

Yeah, well, I got carried away.

I am giving up drinking.

You're giving up drinking?

Yeah, when they carry me away.

[indistinct chatter]

You really need that stuff?

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

[Freddie] Chico and The
Man was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of a time
in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving
for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly
for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪