Original subtitles

♪ One two ♪

♪ A one two three and... ♪

[theme song]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪♪

[clattering]

Hey, Miklos.

You know, you got and amazing car

it's worth the same running or wrecked.

- What are you doing? - Shh!

Miklos reads the future.

Stop wasting your time, man.

Listen, Chico, we've got that bank loan to pay off.

We can't stall any longer, I'm a desperate man.

Ed, would you stop worrying?

The bank isn't gonna foreclose your garage

for a measly $500.

Miklos, keep looking, see if you can find a money line there.

Uh-huh.

I see by your lifeline...

...that you were working on cars the first time when you were 12.

And your first girl when you were 16.

Well, in those days, the girls moved

a lot faster than the cars.

Come on, Miklos!

Keep looking.

Come on. Where am I gonna get $500?

Ah! Have you tried approaching the bank?

Not with a gun.

That's enough. Let's get outta here.

Will... Will his car get out the door, do you think?

Yeah, but that's where our warranty ends.

Anyway, I put the fan belt on.

Okay, that'll be six bucks.

Oh, very good, very good.

I usually charge $10 for the fortune

that means you only owe me four.

- Rip out the fan belt. - Now, wait!

You already used up my fortune.

Miklos, you used up your welcome.

I put a fan belt in your car

that probably doubled its value.

Yeah.

And I didn't need you to tell my fortune.

I could've stuck my hand in my pocket and found out.

Okay, then I'll only charge you $6 for the fortune

and we'll be even. Goodbye.

Hello, again. Get back here.

As the man who'll get my money, I'm gonna take that gold earing.

[chuckles] The joke would be on you, it's not gold.

The joke will be on you, he'll take your ear with it.

[laughs]

Let him know.

- Let me ask you something. - Yeah?

You know how to read palms, don't you?

Have you ever tried reading knuckles?

Hey, please, don't be angry.

Don't you understand? This is the way we gypsies live.

You see, when a gypsy doesn't have cash, he barters.

Bartering is our entire way of life.

For an example, say we were both broke...

You would do a-a service for me

which you're famous for

and then I would give you what I'm famous for.

What am I gonna do with ten days for vagrancy?

Ed, wait a minute, wait a minute.

He might have the answer to all our problems.

What answer?

Listen, you know, we owe the bank all that money.

Yeah.

We'll use bartering to pay it off.

- Bartering? - That's it.

We've been living like gypsies

for the last month anyway

let's start acting like gypsies.

Hey, you guys are lucky.

I pierce ears.

Miklos, dig, here's the deal.

You give us an IOU for two more of your fortunes

and we'll call it even.

"Even?" Wait a minute!

He still owes me for the fan belt!

Oh, no! Too late.

A deal's a deal.

Good boy.

Very good.

Tomorrow, I will sign the IOUs in blood.

Chicken blood.

[engine cranks]

[screaming]

[crashing]

Chico, I don't understand you.

You do a job for $6 and you take two palm readings in return?

Ed, the barter system has worked throughout history.

In the Bible when a man wanted a wife

he got it for a herd of goats.

Yeah? When he'd wanted a jackass he'd traded in a mechanic.

Ignoring the cheap shot.

Do you know that the Dutch bartered Manhattan Island

from the Indians for a handful of beads?

Yeah. The way things are going in Manhattan Island

the Indians are way ahead.

Listen, man, we got two fortunes now.

We'll sell them at the super sensational

one time only low discount price of $10.

That'll pay for the fan belt and give us a $5 profit.

$5 profit? What we need is $500!

[tires screeching]

- Oh! - Oh!

[engine revving]

Woah!

Woah, Salame.

- It's safe now. - Right.

Hiya, Rev, Salame being unfaithful again?

Well, this morning I could hardly turn her over.

Ah, let me look at it for you.

Alright, but please be gentle, Chico.

I have to drive her all the way out to Pasadena

to my brother-in-law to order some raffle tickets.

Hey, your brother-in-law, is that the banana

that tried to move a piano by shoving it out a window?

No, no, no, that was his partner.

His brother-in-law's the banana

who was on the sidewalk trying to catch it.

Oh, by the way, how many raffle tickets can I put you down for?

How many raffle tickets, huh?

Oh, one, two, three.

That's very generous.

Hey, Rev, I don't know how to break this to you

but Salame needs new shocks on her back wheel.

Either you fix her rear-end or she'll fix yours.

That'll be $15.

- $15? - $15.

Ah...

Well, I'm sure the good lord will provide.

Won't you?

Hey, Rev, maybe we can barter.

Uh, what do you usually charge for eulogy?

- Uh, about $16. - $16.

How about a Christening?

That's $9.

No wonder the world is overpopulated.

It cost more to get out than it does to get in.

Tell you what, Rev.

You give us an IOU for eulogy and a Christening

and I'll make Salame dance for you.

It's a deal.

See there? I told you, this system is foolproof.

- You sure? - I'm positive.

Only a fool is positive.

- Are you sure? - I'm positive.

That's my guy.

Gentlemen... Gentlemen, do I sense a note of dissention here?

From Ed? No. He agrees with

everything he says, bless his little heart.

See, what the problem is, is we owe the bank money

and we can't pay them 'cause everybody owes us money.

Yeah, but the trouble is the bank can foreclose and we can't.

Maybe we can.

From now on, there are no more toys.

Take it out in trade and you got it made.

Where are all our past due accounts?

All over the place.

- Here's one, "Herma Rosales." - Yeah.

She owes us $45 bucks for the last six months for a tune up.

Uh-huh.

Okay, you watch your Chico Rodriguez

barter system in action.

I'll show you how to do these things.

- Okay. - Okay.

Here, have a drink while your at it.

Hello, Herma Rosales.

[speaking in foreign language]

- What's he saying? - How do I know?

[speaking in foreign language]

Herma Rosales no longer owes us $45.

No kidding.

What did she owe us?

Three complete oriental body massages.

Hey...

That's one a piece, huh?

Yeah.

I...

Okay, Ed, two haircuts, how much?

Uh, that's...$10.

$10.

Okay.

Ah, the roof reshingling, how much?

Roof reshingling, that was a big job.

- That's $225. - $225. Okay.

The ten highlight lessons.

Ten highlights. $7 a piece, that's $70.

$70. Okay.

Uh, how about the three hours of painless electrolysis?

Painless electrolysis.

Three hours...

Ah, I got it right there. $45.

$45. Okay.

Through the miracle of bartering we have transformed

all those worthless bills

into $1,540.45 of valuable services.

- Not bad, eh? - Oh, not bad at all.

Now all we have to do is get it off the black board

and into our pockets, right?

Ah, that and we have to do that

before the Bank Commissioner Sanchez

comes here to foreclose.

Ed, what are you worried about, when Sanchez shows up

I'll dazzle him with footwork. I'll dance all around him.

I'll give him a left, give him a right.

Lookout. Come back.

I'll dance with him, my feet will never touch the ground.

And that's right, I'll throw him left.

Rope-a-dope. Mm!

Hey, jump back...

Muy buenos dias. Where is my money?

Ah, well, so much for song and dance.

I am not here to be entertained.

This was your fifth extension.

One more and you will be in the Guinness Book of Records.

Hey...

...whatever happened to that charming banker

with the big smile who was so happy to lend us money at 10%?

He found out he can lend the same money

to someone else at 12%.

Oh, I hear.

Yo, what happened to the commercials

your bank puts on TV?

"Hello, I'm your friendly Lona Ranger.

"from Banco Del Barrio, remember this

No tomorrow, go on and borrow."

Sorry, I never watch television.

Well, you will from now on.

- Come with me. - Yeah, over here.

You remember that $500 we owed you?

Take anything off the blackboard up to say...

Oh, $500.

"A six-foot wrench.

Two weeks in a boarding kennel."

What am I, a banker or a beagle?

Now from this angle, it's hard to tell.

What are these-these, let's make a deal?

Hey, man, it's the barter system.

You do it in your bank all the time.

Somebody opens an account, you give him a toaster.

Yeah. And I tell you what we're gonna give you.

How about...

...an hour of skydiving?

No, that's no good for me. I've got a weak heart.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear. That's too bad.

Well, in that case, how about...

...two hours of skydiving?

You made a loan in cash

you have to pay it back in cash.

Hey, but there must be something up here a banker can use.

- What? - Of course.

And I got it.

How about Herma Rosales's massages?

Yes, indeed. Just let the dexterous

dimple digits of Herma Rosales crack your sacroiliac

and it'll be a snap.

Herma Rosales, huh?

Oh, Herma Rosales can massage, man.

She'll thump on your bones.

Man, she will get every kink out.

From looking at you, I'd say you were a pretty kinky guy.

Well, to tell you the truth lately my...

...back has been out of commission.

I'll tell you what.

In return for one of Herma's massages...

A complete massage.

...I'll give you...

...three more days to get the money.

Three... Well, what happens

if we can't get the money up by three days?

Then after three days, whatever in your account

instead of toasters, we'll be giving away mechanic's tools.

Get out of my garage while I still own it.

[speaking in foreign language]

What was all that?

You're too young to know.

Now listen, Chico, if this doesn't work

I'm gonna give you two items from that black board.

Which ones?

The six foot wrench and a eulogy.

[clatters]

Ah, good morning, Mrs. Rosales.

[speaking in foreign language]

You-you know I don't speak Spanish.

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, that's--

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, terrible.

[speaking in foreign language]

[indistinct chatter]

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, that's interesting.

[speaking in foreign language]

I think she oughta get a divorce.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Aha. - Gracias.

Well, it was nice talking to you, Mrs. Rosada.

We'll have to get together and have a long chat sometime.

[tires screech]

[engine revving]

[screaming]

Well, Ed...

...I just bartered away all your troubles.

Good. Who are you working for now?

Edward my son.

One of my parishioners just passed away.

The poor dear soul never missed one of my sermons.

Oh.

That's what probably killed him, huh?

Hey, Rev, let me... Let me tell you something.

You know, I've got a eulogy I can spare.

It's only $10.

That's $6 less than I paid for it.

You know, fortunately, before that parishioner died

the last sermon he heard was called

"You can't take it with you."

- So he left $500 to my church. - Oh.

And the Reverend's gonna use that as the raffle prize.

Raffle prize?

Yes, you see, I had originally intended to sell

1,000 tickets at $1 a piece.

And then he ran into me.

Oh, he should've run over you.

Ed, don't you see? If we buy all the raffle ticket

we'll win the raffle.

And you have the $500 to pay off your bank loan.

- I will? - Yes!

Wait a minute.

Did I understand you to say

that we were gonna buy all the raffle tickets?

That's what he said.

With what?

Ed, we're not gonna use money.

- Follow me. - Follow me.

Now you're probably asking yourself

"What do we buy the raffle tickets with?"

I'm glad you asked.

We sell all the bartered service on the black board

and use that money to buy the raffle tickets

and then how to wind up?

In bankruptcy court.

No, the bank winds up with $500

and we wind up happily ever after.

That's really fantastic.

And... Because it's so simple minded.

Thank you. I thought of it myself.

Ah, and what a relief it will be not to have to sell

the rest of the raffle tickets.

Wait a minute, what do you mean, "The rest of the raffle ticket?"

Oh, well, before you saw me, I sold one to Miklos the gypsy.

[both] Miklos is in the raffle with us?

That's right.

Wait a minute, Ed. What are we worrying about?

We got 999 tickets, he has one.

That's a 1000-to-1 odds.

Oh, no, it's not a 1000-to-1 odds.

Excuse me, Ed, but it is.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Either he wins or we win, right?

So it's not a 100-to-1, it's 50-50.

And my money is on Miklos.

Ed, with Miklos' luck, he couldn't possibly win.

With my luck, he couldn't possibly lose.

Okay, then there's only one thing left for us to do.

We go over to Miklos' place

and buy the ticket back from him.

- Come on. - Yeah.

Hey, suppose he doesn't wanna sell.

Then we appeal to his sense of decency

justice, integrity and honor.

- If that doesn't work? - We'll kill him!

That'll do!

Age before beauty.

Yeah, pearls before swine.

- Turn left. - Okay.

[engine revving]

No deal, no sale and no raffle ticket.

How do you like them for apples?

Well, we tried honesty and integrity

now we beat him to death or strangle him.

Look at this.

Look at this!

The knight of sevens is in the tower.

The 16th tower with the fool.

I can't lose. How do you like that?

The first time I told a good fortune

in my whole life and it's my own.

What do you think of that?

I think your streak of luck has just ended.

Ed... I-I mean, Miklos, you know how much we love you.

But in case you don't, I wanna prove it to you.

I'll give you $2 for that

absolutely worthless raffle ticket.

That's a 100% profit.

$2 for a can't lose, must win raffle ticket that's worth $500?

I laugh in your face.

[laughs]

[laughs] $3.

Gimme that ticket. Whoo-whee!

I'm not gonna part with this ticket.

I wouldn't part with it...

...if it had black widow spiders crawling on it.

$5, you can keep the spider.

Ah, not if it was about to be struck by lightning.

- Should I offer him $20? - Yeah, offer him $20.

- $20. - Mm, now your talking business.

Hey...

I want $50.

$50, Miklos?

After I treated you like a son?

And I treated you like a brother.

- Yeah. - Sure.

Let some poor gypsy finally get a winning ticket

his whole new family wants to steal it from him.

And who helped you when you came into my garage

with your fan belt hanging out?

And you gave me that phony fortune.

- A phony fortune? - A phony fortune!

- A phony fortune? - A phony fortune!

You accuse me, Miklos the gypsy of telling a...

...a...

...a phony fortune!

May a 500-mile tunnel race

make pit stops in your garage!

May you buy a dairy farm with 5,000 flat chested cows.

Yeah.

And may you find yourself on some remote Hawaiian island

enjoying the fruits of nature

and unexpectedly sit on a spinning pineapple.

Oh!

And may both of you come back in your next life

as Captain Singh's Siamese twins joined at your foot.

And may the bird of paradise pluck out your eyes

as you watch us pick the winning ticket.

- Let's go. - Ha!

Ha!

[kisses]

[humming]

There, Ed.

You now have 999 tickets.

Yeah, good, good, good, good.

I wish you'd hurry... Get-get outta here.

I wish you'd hurry up and get this thing over with

so I could get this bird brain outta here.

I'll pick the ticket.

You stick that hand in there

and for the rest of your life you'll be known as "Lefty."

Gentlemen, this is my raffle.

My dumbbell brother-in-law printed it and I will pick it.

- Fair enough. - Okay, pick it.

Thank you.

- And the winning number is... - Yes?

- 0-0-1. - 0-0-1?

Winner! Winner! Winner!

Hey, a winner! Hey, a winner! Hey!

Winner, winner. I demand a recount.

- You have "0-0-1" also. - What?

- Where? - In fact they all say, "0-0-1".

They all say, "0-0-1"? What is this?

Your dumbbell brother-in-law forgot to change the numbers.

With all due respect, sir, you must have made my brother-in-law

on your day off.

Wait a minute.

I was the first to yell.

That means I won. That counts doesn't it?

Only in Bingo. Right, Rev?

I'm sorry, Miklos, but we're gonna have to divide

the $500 raffle prize money among the one thousand tickets.

Which mean each ticket is worth only 50 cents.

Here's your half a dollar. Be very happy

in your new empty store. Goodbye.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

I'm still a winner, right?

Well, I did pick your number, yes.

It's all I wanted to know.

Phony fortune! Ha!

[humming]

Well, Ed, how do you feel?

You won $499.50, are you happy?

No. We're still a half a dollar short.

[speaking in foreign language]

- What does that mean? - It means...

"When you've been smiled upon by lady luck

why quibble over a half a buck?"

Hey, Chico.

Hey, Ed, how'd things go at the bank?

Oh, great, great. I paid off the loan to Mr. Sanchez.

And by the way, bad news about Mr. Sanchez.

He's in a hospital.

Three broken ribs and a concussion.

What happened to him?

Well, it was a passing accident.

What's a passing accident?

Well, see, Mr. Sanchez was coming out

of Herma Rosales's massage parlor.

Just as Mrs. Sanchez...

- ...was passing. - Was passing.

[theme music]

[male narrator] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Alright yeah ♪♪