Original subtitles

♪ One two uh one two three and... ♪

[theme song]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in every one ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and The Man ♪♪

[phone rings]

Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Alright, you ding-a-ling, what is it you want?

This is Ed Brown's garage, what do you want?

Huh?

Yeah. Okay.

Well, I know I promised you your car for last Tuesday.

Don't panic, don't panic, it's pseudo mechanic.

Ah, well, may I inform you you're in luck.

My genius assistant just returned from his vacation.

I can now move you up from my promise to word of honor. Okay.

Chico... this thing have also frozen stiff. Fix it.

Welcome back, Chico. Boy, did we miss you.

Holiday vacation, you look great.

And when you're finished fixing it, you can reattach it.

What a gorgeous sun tan, how are you?

Be careful, it hurts.

Alright, I'm glad you're back.

Ouch.

Tanned and got sunburned?

- Yes, good thing. - Okay, get to work.

Boy, things really picked up since I've been gone.

What do you mean picked up?

You recognize this carburetor, this camshaft

this transmission, it's just the same here

as it was the day you left.

Ed, how sentimental of you, I'm touched.

Well, touch the carburetor.

Ed, don't you wanna hear about everything

I did on my vacation, man?

I'll read about it in the next issue of "Intimate Confession."

Well, anyway, it was the best vacation of my life.

I did everything, I played tennis, I went swimming

surfing, scuba diving.

I met the girl I'm gonna marry. I went grunion hunting.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait.

What was it you just said?

Oh, I went grunion hunting.

- No, no, no, before that. - I went scuba diving.

Between the scuba diving and the grunion hunting.

I got a hamburger and some French fries.

I mean about the girl that you met?

Oh, she had a coke.

Hey, there. Chico, Hi. Is my water pump ready?

You promised it to me last week.

I'll be with you in a minute.

What's all this about you getting married?

- I am married. - Not you, him.

It's true, and I met the girl I'm gonna marry.

But you've only known her for a week.

- Ed, come here. - What about my water pump?

You realize there are 1440 minutes in a day.

In a week, there were 10,080 minutes, and when you're in love

each minute is like a year.

I was with this girl for 10,080 years

and you're telling me I don't know her.

Come on, you guys, I'm overheating.

You're overheating, this kid has just blown a gasket.

Now, look, this is ridiculous.

What about my water pump?

You just met this girl.

You're gonna meet her yourself tonight.

We're both invited over for dinner.

I can't come, I'm busy. I got--

Not you, me.

Count me out.

Oh, come on, Ed, she sounds like a wonderful girl

why don't you go meet her?

If you think she's so wonderful, why don't you go and meet her?

Why, I'd love to, but my car keeps overheating.

- Oh. - Here. here.

This'll cool things off.

Yeah, if it'll cool things off

why don't you use it?

I gotta go change.

What about my water pump?

Listen, you.

You think the two of you are gonna live in this van?

Are you out of your mind? You'll have problems.

You're gonna be crowded.

You'll be squeezing each other to death.

I know, now what's the problem?

[laughs]

Ed, would you stop worrying? Everything's been arranged.

Oh, everything.

Hello, hello, hello, Ed.

Well, well, well.

- Reverend Bemis. - Nice to see you.

How are you, rev? Good to see you.

I'm fine. I was told to be here today.

- Already? - Mm-hmm.

Why is it that the groom's boss is always the last one to know?

You're here I suppose to preside at the wedding ceremony.

- Wedding ceremony? - Yeah.

I didn't know anyone was getting married.

Then what are you doing here?

I came here for my scooter.

You promised that last week. You swore on this.

What's that? Oh, yeah.

Oh, we got problems, rev.

Chico wants to marry a girl he's only known for a week.

Well, sometimes things happen fast.

You know, after all, Adam and Eve only knew

each other one day.

Yeah, well, things were different in those days.

You know, people didn't wear any clothes.

So they got to know each other faster.

You know, see, when Chico gets an idea in his head

there's stuff to get it out.

[bell rings]

By this time, there must be at least two or three ideas

running around his head.

Ed, you remember David and Goliath?

David, Goliath.

Those were two strange characters who used to run

the fruit stand around the corner.

I mean, the ones in the Bible.

There's a great lesson to be learned here.

You see, the real reason David slew Goliath was

because his father said unto him, "David, don't throw rocks."

What's that got to do with Chico's wedding?

Don't you see? It's a perfect example of reverse psychology.

You see when the father's sayeth unto the son

"Do it," he don't it.

And when he sayeth, "Don't it," he do it.

Reverend, you got something there, a speech impediment.

Look, Ed.

Ed?

At least it's worth a try. Isn't it worth a try?

Well, reverse psychology, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's possible, could work, yeah.

Of course, it could work.

Oh, listen, by the way, about my scooter

there's absolutely no hurry.

Don't say those things.

I'll have it ready for you

first thing in the morning.

You see how well reverse psychology works? Ah? Ah?

[laughs]

Ed, I better call Liz and tell her you can't make it

tonight for dinner.

Wait a minute.

You think just because I said I wasn't gonna come

then I'm not gonna come?

Why don't you listen to what I mean instead of what I say.

When you first told me you were going to get married

I went into sudden shock.

My brain went into park

my tongue went into overdrive.

But I have now recovered, and I'm hungry and happy

and I would love to meet your beautiful bride to be.

Ed, you've been nipping at the petty cash again.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Liz! - Hi, Chico.

Mummy, I brought my friend, my teacher, and my boss, I want--

Chico, I only cooked for three.

Oh, no, no, Ed Brown.

Ed. Ed, I'm so happy to meet you.

If I had seen your picture, you would look just like it.

On the other side.

Please.

It's wonderful to meet you.

Hey, you know something?

She does a great imitation of you, Chico.

What are you talking about? Chico is imitating me.

I hate to tell you that, but she's from Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico. She's Puerto Rico's gift to the United States.

- Oh, how sweeties. - Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder what's wrong with him.

What is he sniffing?

Ah, it's meal, my dish is burning. Sit down quick.

Okay.

Liz is great in the cooking department.

Yeah, she's not bad in the looking department either.

Don't you think she's nice?

Yeah, if you think so, I think she's nice too.

Man, I really do. I really like her.

So do I, I really like her too.

- I love her. - I love her too.

I can't wait to get my arms around her.

- I can't wait-- - That's enough.

Ta-da! Here it is, my best Puerto Rican dish.

Puerto Rican... Wait a minute, this is chicken chowmein.

Since when is chowmein a Puerto Rican dish?

Not the food, the dish, I bought it in San Juan.

[laughs]

Did you miss me?

No, I got you right on the lips.

Ah!

Hey, this is great.

Where'd you learn to cook like this?

Oh, I worked in a Chinese restaurant.

But my boss fired me on the account of the pressed duck.

You were fired on account of the pressed duck?

He kept pressing and I kept ducking.

[laughs]

That's funny, Ed.

[laughs]

So what are you doing now?

Well, up until last week

I was the shampoo girl at the poodle parlor.

Yeah, she quit when they made her walk some of the customers.

[laughs]

Actually, what I really am is a folk singer.

- You're folk singer? - Um-hmm

- Where do you sing? - Just for my folks.

[laughs]

[indistinct]

Ain't she got a sense of humor?

But this is the career I really want.

What?

All I need is that one big break.

Would you like to hear a song?

- Frankly-- - Ah, he'd love to.

He'd love to.

And ladies and gentlemen, in our state

right after the Azusa High School Marching Band

their tribute to Lawrence Welk airing in March for the

first time ever while sitting down.

And out here direct from Puerto Rico

where she entertained 400 of her relatives.

Here she is, the unforgettable, what's the kid's name?

Liz Garcia. Come on up here.

Ah, hold this.

Okay, here we go.

One, two, three, four, five.

[indistinct singing]

Bravo. Bravo.

Whoo!

That was something else, eh?

It really was something else.

Man, that was the end.

I'm glad to hear that, kid.

Honey, you're gonna be a big smash in this racket.

Isn't that right, Ed?

[Liz] Don't you think so, Ed?

Well... Oh.

I got a garage, you know, I'm, how would I know about smashes.

I mean, the only smash I know, defenders are coming to the...

I want your honest opinion. What did you think?

- What do I think? - Yeah, I really want to know.

You really wanna know?

Why are you repeating everything I say?

Why am I repeating everything you're saying?

Come on, Ed, it's important to me. I want the truth.

You want the truth. Oh.

Well, you're not great.

But am I good?

Well, you're not bad.

I don't get it, if I'm not great, and I'm not good

and I'm not bad, what am I?

What is she, Ed?

Ah...

[whispering]

Oh, he said you're lousy. Lousy?

What do you mean, lousy? That is my girlfriend.

- What are you saying lousy for? - Come on, it's okay.

Chico, it's okay. I can take it.

In show business, you must learn to develop a thick skin.

You can't let one bad review get you down.

No matter how you feel, you got to put a big smile on your face

and go on with the show.

Lousy? Oh, Chico--

Oh, no, no...

[crying]

Lousy, huh?

Do you realize it was one word

you've just destroyed a human being.

Why don't you go down to police headquarters

and register your mouth as a deadly weapon?

It's right over there.

Yeah, there's some pie.

Let me have it.

Ed.

You wouldn't dare.

Two left socks, must belong to you.

Your pajamas.

[water splashing]

What are you getting mad at me for?

All I did was tell her the truth.

Yeah, but after that did you have to stay there

and eat the dinner?

I said she was a terrible singer

I didn't say she was a terrible cook.

You know that after you left, she wouldn't come out of the

bathroom, she was still in there crying.

You sure she wasn't singing?

You don't care about other people's feelings.

Well, I was honest.

Honest? You want honest? I'll give you honest.

You remember that tie you gave me for my birthday

and I said "Oh, Ed, thank you.

It's the most gorgeous tie

I've ever seen," I hated it.

In fact, I gave it to Louie.

Why didn't you tell me you hated it?

'Cause I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

You couldn't have hurt my feelings, I hated it too.

As a matter of fact, Louie gave it to me.

Ed, you can't tell people the absolute truth.

They can't handle it.

Chico, truth is like a woman's girdle.

The more it hurts, the more good it does in the end.

Truth sure is like a woman's girdle.

Sometimes you gotta stretch it a little bit.

Isn't it better that a friend told her that she was terrible

instead of having some stranger tell her that.

You keep this up, and all your friends will be

a bunch of strangers.

I only told her the truth.

The truth was merely your opinion.

Hey, Chico, anybody home?

We're upstairs. Come on up, rev.

I happen to think she's a marvelous singer.

Yeah? That goes to prove only one thing.

Love is not only blind, it's deaf.

And it also must be dumb 'cause I always thought

under that cold hard exterior there was a sensitive

human being living inside of you.

There was a sensitive human being living inside me

and when it heard that terrible singing, it moved out.

That does it, when you insult my girlfriend

you're also insulting me.

Ah, I just killed two birds with one stone.

What's this? What's this?

This doesn't seem to be the garage of love

that I've come to know.

That's 'cause he's too stubborn to admit when he's wrong.

That's not true. I'm always glad to admit when I'm wrong.

Is that my fault it never happens?

See? See?

Chico, my son, Ed has the gracious gift of years.

You must learn to heed his words.

Take counsel in his wisdom.

And why am I talking like an Indian chief?

Words of wisdom, huh?

He told my girlfriend her singing stinks.

What are you listening to him for? He's an old man.

Reverend, wasn't it you who said we should always tell the truth?

Absolutely.

After all, doesn't the good book say

"It's not nice to fool Mother Nature."

Is that in the Bible?

No, it's an another good book, "The Whole Earth Catalog."

Rev, but you gotta watch what you say sometimes.

Don't you like supposing I were to tell you

"Reverend, doctors recommend your sermons

as a safe substitute for sleeping pills."

Well, if you told me that I would be grateful

that you told me how you really feel.

Ah-ha. You see. You see. You see.

You think they're really boring?

No, I was just using that as an example.

Well, how would you know anyway

you've never even been to my services.

Oh, yes, he has, reverend, he was there last week.

I know, I fell asleep on his shoulder.

Aha! Then my sermons are boring.

No, no, you see, reverend, don't blame yourself.

See, the reason that I fell asleep was

'cause of all the snoring around.

Oh. Oh!

Now you see how an innocent little remark

can hurt somebody's feelings.

I didn't tell him his sermons were boring

you were the one who blurted it out.

That's it, Ed, first, you insult my girlfriend

now you insult my reverend friend

now I'm really not talking to you.

Say, maybe I better call her right now.

Yeah, information.

Listen, give me the number of Liz Garcia

on Las Palmas in Hollywood.

Yoo-hoo! Where is everybody?

Ah, never mind, the number just walked in.

Up here, honey.

[indistinct]

Oh, allow me.

Ah, Liz, I was just trying to get hold of you.

- Don't bother, I'm not home. - Oh.

Hey, honey, I heard you come in.

I was just on my way to your house.

Don't bother, she's not home.

Liz, I gotta tell you something.

And I have something to tell you. That's why I came.

No, no, no, no, no. I want to say it first.

I-I-I really should apologize for what I said.

Because what do I know about singing?

I always thought that Jackson Five

was a basketball team.

So please accept my apology.

You apologize?

That's like chopping somebody's head off

and giving them a Band-Aid.

Come on.

No, Chico, wait.

Ed, I came here to tell you something.

Oh, go ahead, I deserve everything you have to say.

Ed, now I have to tell you the truth.

You weren't the first person to tell me I couldn't sing.

- My family hinted at it. - They did?

My sister walked around the house wearing earmuffs.

I tried to believe she was cold.

Never listen to a sister unless she's a nun.

She is.

You make me face up to reality.

Deep down I knew I had no talent.

What are you talking about, honey?

You got more talent in your little finger

than Alice Cooper has in his whole purse.

Oh.

Thanks a lot. Both of you.

But I realized it was just a dream.

- Dream. - And I'm glad Ed woke me up.

Yeah, who could sleep through that singing?

- Oh. - Okay, honey.

So you won't be a singer, but after we're married

we'll make beautiful music together.

Oh, Chico, you don't understand.

Becoming a singing star was just a fantasy.

It kept me from facing up to the real question.

What am I going to do with my life?

I'll tell you what you do with your life.

You become Mrs. Chico Rodriguez.

Oh, I can't do that.

Before I become Mrs. anybody, I have to be somebody

like maybe a lawyer or a teacher or even a dental hygienist.

Something so that when my husband introduces me to

his friends, he can say this is my wife, the something.

Are you crazy?

You want to give up this good looking, hot-blooded

young man for some ridiculous career?

Ed, please, I can speak for myself.

Honey, are you gonna give up this good looking, hot-blooded

young man for some ridiculous career?

Chico, you're the most fabulous guy I ever met

but this is something I have to do.

Then you don't want me?

Well, I will when I'm somebody.

Well, how soon can you be somebody?

I don't know. It depends on who I'm going to be.

But that doesn't mean we can't see each other.

Hello.

Ah... Chico, you haven't lost a wife, you've gained us a buddy.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Goodbye, Chico.

Goodbye, Groucho.

[sighs]

Don't worry, Chico, believe me.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

I know that, Ed, but they're so clammy

when you kiss them goodnight.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, yo, this van is messier on the outside

than it is on the inside.

I think you ought to paint it.

I'd be glad to help you.

Oh, well, that's nice of you, Ed.

What color do you think we should paint it?

Well, how about a nice, cheerful orange?

That could be nice, and put flowers on the top

a bullfight scene on the side.

It would really be gorgeous.

Yeah, I knew if I got you involved in a project

you'd forget all about losing Liz.

Who was losing Liz, we're going camping next week.

- Camping? - Looking good.

[speaks in foreign language]

What?

[laughs]

[theme music]

[male 1] Chico and The Man was recorded live before

a studio audience at NBC Studios in Burbank, California.

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was crazy for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah baby ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪