Original subtitles

♪ One two a one two three and ♪

[theme song]

♪ Chico don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The man he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helpin' hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh yes they will for Chico and the man ♪

♪ Yes they will for Chico and the man ♪♪

[honking]

[honking]

Alright, alright. Knock it off.

Now, listen, pal. This is not a freeway.

You want service, just speak right up.

Oh, I'm so-so-so-so sorry

but sometimes s-s-s-speaking up is not always as easy for me

as h-h-h-honking my horn.

Oh.

Hey, Chico!

Yeah, Ed, what is it?

What do you need?

I want you to take care of this c-c-c-c, customer.

Sorry, I didn't mean to mimic you, it's like yawning.

You know, it's very c-c-c-catching.

Oh, don't a-a-a-apologize.

It h-h-h-happens to me all the t-t-t-time.

You know, we had another customer who had your problem.

And then somebody told him to try putting

pebbles in his mouth when he spoke.

He was in the other day. He didn't stutter a bit.

Did you u-u-u-understand him?

No, man, the turkey had a face full of rocks.

[laughs] Well, I, uh, s-s-s-speak beautifully

if I don't use my own v-v-v-voice.

Yeah, no kiddin'. Whose voice do you use?

[as Paul Lynde] None of your business, you weirdo.

- Hey, hey, man. - Well.

I've heard that voice.

[as Paul Lynde] Well, of course, you did. I just did it.

[laughs]

[as Paul Lynde] Boy, that just gives me goosebumps all over my body.

[as Paul Lynde] You're dismissed. Go to your cage.

Okay, what can we do for you?

Well, my...

[as Paul Lynde] Don't be disgusting.

My name is D-D-D...

Oh, gee.

[as Paul Lynde] My name is Dwayne Devine

and I'm interested in community affairs.

[as Milton Berle] Oh, don't look at me. I haven't had a date all month.

[as himself] Pretty good, huh?

Okay, what will it be?

[as Peter Falk] Ah, what, uh, what'll it be?

Is, uh, is that the question?

Hey, Rudolph Valentino.

Try Peter Falk.

Oh, f-f-f-forget it.

[as Cary Grant] Now, why I'm here is the official city program

for developing community pride through the arts

of which I happen to be a kind of a chairman.

Uh, you see, Mr. Brown, I'd like to let a local artist

use your alley wall for a mural.

Uh, what, what, what, what do you say?

Rudolph Valentino.

[as Cary Grant] Oh, come on, come on, come on. Uh, uh, wh-what do you say?

Well, what's in it for me?

Uh, for you, absolutely nothing.

Well, in that case, forget it.

And on your way out, you can say goodbye in any voice you like

just as long as it's final.

Wait a minute, Ed. Man, you can't refuse

your crummy wall to such a good cause.

A mural gives the neighborhood pride.

[as Kirk Douglas] Does it really matter what the subject matter is, Mr. Brown?

That's Rudolph Valentino.

- Try Kirk Douglas. - Oh.

[as Kirk] What's more important is

a lot of the young artists today are in trouble with the law.

But painting keeps them straight.

Take the guns out of their hands

and replace them with paintbrushes.

This is a garage, not an art museum.

[mimics Ed] This is a garage, not an art museum.

[as Richard Nixon] My follower, huh?

Why is he against me?

I, I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm really, really a very nice person.

Yeah, well, you see, Ed don't have anything against you.

It's just that he doesn't know art.

He thinks Dolly's first name is Hello.

Hey, Ed. Man, why don't you let them paint the mural?

It'll get you involved in the life of the community.

Look, you, I didn't wanna get involved in my own life.

But I had the clothes, I had the mustache and the hat.

So, I figured, why not?

Ed, man, you, why is that crummy wall so important to you?

You don't play handball.

Man, you got no, you don't pitch pennies.

You got no bills to post.

You don't even own a firing squad.

Come on. Man, do it for me.

- For you? - For me, please.

Okay, for you, I'll do it.

[as Liberace] Oh, thank you. Thank you very, very much.

I love you.

You know, my brother George and I

we think you're a wonderful, wonderful person.

[humming]

Hold it right there! Hold it right there!

Now who's responsible for all that filth out there?

What filth, Louie? What's buggin' you?

It's the same filth we deliver to you every morning.

That filth is clean.

I'm talkin' about that filth out there.

Hey, they painted the mural, man!

They must've done that last night.

That wall is rated X.

It may be rated X to you, but to me, it's rated LG.

- LG, what do you mean? - Looking good!

Hey, Ed!

They painted the mural, man!

Yeah, come out here and look at all that nudity.

- Nudity? Where? Where? - There. There. There!

I'll go to the Legion Of Decency

because that gal ain't got no clothes on.

Well, neither's the duck. So, I'll go with you.

Louie, what's wrong with nudity?

Beneath our clothes, we all stay naked.

Well, what do you call that?

Look at that! No, Chico, don't look at that.

Louie, you don't understand the mural.

See, that's all symbolism.

All those things spell out L-O-V-E, love.

I don't call nothin' love that uses more than two people...

and especially when one of them is wearin' motorcycle boot

and a panty girdle.

That is not a panty girdle, that's an ammunition belt.

That stands for mental health and gun registration.

I don't care what it stands for.

- It's dirty. - It's not dirty.

- It's clean, clean, clean! - It's dirty, dirty, dirty!

- I say it's dirty-- - Clean, clean--

Will you stop all the screaming and yelling? I can't sleep.

A giant French postcard.

See, see, I told you. I knew what I saw.

- Dirt! I tried to tell-- - You wanna--

Quiet!

Listen, you both say it's so dirty. Alright, show me where?

Okay, I'll show you where.

Right there between the monkey with the cattle prod

and the guy with the leash and hat

who's grabbing the stewardess.

That's not a monkey. It's an old lady with a cane.

And that's not a stewardess.

That's an unregistered nurse makin' a house call.

Hey, you both say it's so obvious

how obscene this picture is, so, show me where.

I'll show you.

That area right up there!

What do you see?

I see a woman takin' off her clothes.

Louie, the painting's down there.

You're lookin' at Mrs. Stevens' window.

Well, you're both wrong.

You see that green area there.

That looks like some teeny-boppers skinny-dipping.

And if you step over here and squint a little bit

it's a peeping Tom peeping out of the bushes.

- Well, then don't squint. - I have to squint.

- Since when do you know Tom-- - Don't tell me--

[clamoring]

Gentlemen!

Please, gentlemen!

Please stop that screaming!

I hear enough screaming when I pass the collection plate.

Ah, reverend, I'm glad you're here.

Gentlemen, I want you to know we have someone here

who will settle this once and for all.

An art critic, right, reverend?

Okay, take a look at that mural.

[gasps] Oh, mercy.

Well, what do you see?

Well, I see the same thing you do.

Samson slaying the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.

- Oh, that's another thing. - Never mind.

If that's what the reverend sees

then that's what's in it for him.

Yeah? Well, I don't care what anybody sees in it.

- The mural goes. - Never.

That mural is an outstanding, socially meaningful expression

of the aspirations of this community.

- He's right. - Yeah.

And it also represents foods from all over the world.

Frijoles representing Mexico, pizza representing Italy

and a 200-pound baloney representing Washington DC.

Exactly.

And I'm telling all of y'all

if that picture stays, every member of the brotherhood

of sanitary workers will picket these premises

because garbage like that ought to be in a can

and the guy that paint it ought to be in the can too!

Right.

- Right? - No.

- No, it's wrong. - Listen.

You've got no right, Louie

to dictate your taste to the community.

I've got just as much right as you or anybody else

because I don't have to be--

[all clamoring]

- Hold it! - I know what I'm talking about!

Hold it!

That's him.

G-g-g-good m-m-m-morning.

How dare you put those nude females on my wall?

You realize what you've done?

You've turned this into the alley of the dolls.

You ought to be arrested!

[all clamoring]

B-b-b-b--

[both] Oh, shut up!

[all clamoring]

Gee, I, I d-d-d-didn't mean to c-c-c-cause a f-f-fight

between you and Ch-Ch-Ch-Chico.

[as John Wayne] Hold on there, pilgrim.

Don't let that wall come between ya.

Oh, do us a favor, huh?

Shake hands and come out smiling, pilgrim.

You can tell Mr. Brown for me

that he doesn't know his art from his elbow.

And you could tell what's-his-name

that I may not know art, but I'm an expert on filth.

And you may tell Mr. Brown that on that point

we're in perfect agreement.

Yeah, we agree on one point

and that's the point at the top of his head.

[as Edith bunker] Oh, I can't carry a message like that.

Oh, no.

Oh, she doesn't like me to talk tough.

He says it makes me sound like a cascading female.

So, please, don't fight!

Oh, stifle yourself, you dingbat.

And tell the meathead I'm going upstairs.

And when I come down

there are two things I don't wanna see.

One is his hat and the other is everything under it.

That's it, Ed, you just lost me.

You've got a one-track mind that leads straight to the gutter.

I've put up with you long enough.

I'm packin' my stuff, gettin' on my bike

and gettin' out of here.

Good.

[knocks]

[Ed] What do you want, Chico?

I thought you were shipping out.

[as Chico] I thought of the circus. I can't afford it at this time

so you're stuck with me.

What does that mean?

It means I'm sorry.

I have a big mouth and I didn't mean to hurt you.

Alright, okay, okay. Stop sniveling.

- I accept your apology. - Good.

[knocks]

[as Ed] Hey, kid, you got a minute?

[Chico] Ed?

Don't come out, Chico!

It's tough enough for me to apologize

without you staring me in the face.

[gibberish]

You wanna apologize, man?

Of course not, but I hate to lose cheap labor.

So, I apologize, I'm an old fool.

[gibberish]

[Chico] Yeah, but you're my old fool, man. Apology accepted.

Good.

Chico? Chico?

- Ed! Ah! - Ah!

- That's enough. - That's enough.

- Okay. - Okay.

[laughing]

Hey, you know somethin'.

Let me tell you, we really were dumb.

Yeah.

Do you realize that we almost

blew our friendship?

And we would have done it if you hadn't apologized.

Yeah...

- If I hadn't what? - Apologized.

I didn't apologize to you. You apologized to me.

Oh, no, no, you apologized--

Ed, I know. I don't have bad hearing.

- Listen, I apologize, you-- - I know you apologized--

[as John f. Kennedy] My fellow American.

And what does it matter when the only important fact

is the restoration of a beautiful friendship.

So, why don't we all join hands

and be pleased as punch together?

[tooting]

That's Rudolph Valentino.

Now all we have to do is d-d-decide

about that w-w-w-wall.

Well, I admit, I don't know anything about art.

If a picture's got a dog in it, I like it.

If it doesn't, I'm out of my depth.

Well, I guess that mural can stay for a little while longer.

[as Ed Sullivan] Well, wonderful there, youngster.

Really wonderful.

And, now, well, I'd better go and call a mural judge

so he can examine it for the competition.

Where is your telephone?

[as Ed Sullivan] Oh, our telephone is right in there in the office.

Stand up there first. Take a bow.

[as James Mason] You're a fine, little Puerto Rican youngster.

Well, everything's great, man.

Now, all you got to do is call up Reverend Bemis and apologize

to him because you don't want a holy man sore at you, man.

He keeps you from going to you-know-where.

Yeah, I'll apologize to the reverend

when you-know-where freezes over.

Ed, man...

Oh, forget it.

I'll go see if Dwayne needs a hand.

Dwayne, man, you gotta help me.

Ed and the reverend are gonna stay mad at each other

unless Reverend Bemis apologizes.

Gee, that's t-t-t-too b-b-b-bad.

Yeah, but you could make it turn out alright

with Reverend Bemis.

You want m-m-me to do an i-i-impression

of the r-r-reverend?

Can you?

[as Chico] Sure thing, man. I did your voice, I can do his.

Hey, you did my voice. Hey, man.

[as Chico] Hey, hey, hey, man.

Is that how, is that how...

You used my voice to, to apologize to Ed?

[as Chico] You got it.

- Is that how I sound? - Looking good.

[laughing]

- Looking good! - Looking good!

- Look, what? - Looking good!

[as Chico] No, no, no, no, no, man, you don't know how to do yourself.

It's, uh, it's look. You're going look...

- It's look. Say look. - Looking. Look. Look.

No, man, no. You're doing a goldfish.

- Do look, look. - Looking good.

Looking good. I'd, gee.

- I'd-I'd work on it. - Yeah.

Listen, call Ed up as Reverend Bemis.

- The number's right there. - What's his number?

- Oh. - Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Ed Brown's garage, home of the dirty mural.

[as Rev. Bemis] Mr. Brown, this is Reverend Bemis.

As Joshua said after he sounded the trumpet

"Well, I blew it."

I apologize to you, sir.

Ah, well, that's mighty nice of you, reverend

but you really didn't have to.

I think the one you should apologize to is Louie.

He's the one who was insulted.

W-w-w-what do we do now?

[as Louie] Hey, Ed, this is Louie.

I'm now in the church with Reverend Bemis

and we just buried the hatchet.

I buried it in his back and he buried it upside my head.

[laughs]

Aah! Hey, that's wonderful.

That's really marvelous.

I'm glad you two got together even though--

[both clamoring]

- I know what I'm sayin' about-- - Hey, quiet, quiet.

Will you, fellas? Hey, hey, quiet!

I'm tryin' to talk to you on the phone.

Hello! Hello!

Yeah, keep talking, I'm listening.

[Chico as Louie] Ed, can you hear me? You still there?

[as Rev. Bemis] Mr. Brown, patience is a virtue

but it is folly to lead a bird in the hand to water.

And I...

Oh-oh-oh-oh, b-b-b-boy.

Say, wait a minute, Ed, I can explain!

- Was that me? - Hey.

[all clamoring]

W-w-w-w-wait! W-w-w-w-wait!

D-d-don't penalize each other because of what I d-d-d-did.

Come on, now be-be r-r-r-reasonable.

I'll show you how reasonable I'm gonna be.

[all clamoring]

- Oh, no! - Desecration!

That's what I think of that dirty mural.

And now if all of you can get outta here!

Well, Mr. Devine, I got here as quickly as possible.

Now, let me have a look at it.

Oh, good heavens.

This is what you called me over to have a look at?

Really, I am baffled and confounded.

Hey, who's this walking cufflink here?

Uh, this is E-Emmett W-W-Wa-Wa...

This is Em...

[as James Mason] This is Emmett Waldo.

Yes, he's a personal friend of James Mason's.

And he's been judging the mural competition here all day.

And this, believe it or not, old chap, is his last stop.

Why, it looks like somebody splashed paint

all over the wall.

- That's vandalism. - Exactly vandalism.

[as James Mason] That's the name of the painting

and how astute you are to pick it up so quickly.

Wonderful. I say, charming.

Mr. Devine, how, how wonderful of you

to pick a man whose judgment of art is so eloquent

and a man who dresses so classily as well.

Why, thank you. I'm gratified.

- Charmed, I'm sure. - You may be very...

Let me tell you one thing.

Did you ever see anything more disgusting than that?

- Never. - Never.

[as Clark Gable] And how clever of you to put

your finger on it, Scarlett.

Uh, I mean, uh, Mr. Brown.

Yes, sir, disgusting it is, sweetheart.

Yes, I knew there was something that I liked about this.

Yeah. Kind of grows on you like a wart, you know.

- Congratulations, Mr. Devine. - What?

Yes. This is the winning mural.

[laughs]

And I'm going to see to it

that Mr. Brown gets a plaque

for his contribution to the wall.

How 'bout that, Ed? Say somethin' nice.

[as James Cagney] Well, all I can say is you, you dirty rats.

I'm not takin' any plaque, mm, from anybody, see.

And I want you to do me one favor.

I want you to take that wall out, mm, and have it framed.

Mmm.

Now, t-t-t-th...

- That's Rudolph Valentino. - That's Rudolph Valentino.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, man.

- What did you do? - What?

You painted out that mural. It was beautiful.

Are you kidding? That was terrible.

- It was beautiful. - It was terrible.

- It was beautiful. - It was terrible.

Ed, ask anybody.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It doesn't matter what you paint or what you paint on.

- It doesn't? - No.

Oh, well, in that case...

What are you doing to me, man? This is terrible!

Oh, I think it's beautiful.

[Chico] "Chico And The Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios

Burbank, California.

[theme song]

♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ Chico and the man ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ It's alright ♪♪