Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, a-one, two, three and...

[guitar playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

[humming]

Looking good.

What do you want?

Did you finish your radiator?

No, there's just one more leak in there.

I have to fix it.

[Chico humming]

I hope you're through with this finger,

'cause I have other plans for it.

My Uncle Alonzo, who was the family drunken philosopher,

used to tell me, "Chico, when you start a job,

finish it because times are rough.

They'll laid you off. Looking bad."

Hey, who's that for?

It's for Louie. He's retiring.

Yeah, I know Louie's retiring. He's also getting a pension.

Why do we have to give him a present?

He should be giving us one.

Why should Louie be giving us a present?

Because he's leaving us.

You know, Ed, you could retire. You could sell the garage.

I bet you could get $20,000 for it.

$20,000?

What about all the goodwill I built up over the years

in this neighborhood?

You're right. You better cut it down to 10.

Hey, you know, you're lucky you're working.

When people retire, they get older faster.

Yeah, they do nothing of the sort.

They get older a year at the time,

same as everybody else, and they have more fun doing it.

You know something? I envy Louie.

No more garbage.

From now on, he can travel-- fishing, golf.

[laughs] How long can Louie play golf?

Well, I don't know.

Sam Snead played it for 40 years.

What would Sam Snead do if he retired?

Probably learn how to pick up garbage.

Ed, I had an Uncle Alonzo who drove the train

between Juarez and Guadalajara for 35 years.

Yeah?

And do you know he used to wait for the children?

"Hello. Get off the tracks. Go home."

And they would wave back at him. He would wave at the horses.

"Come on. You're making a mess in the track. Get out of there."

And they would "Mmmmmm!" back at him.

He would wait for the cows.

"Come on, you're making a mess on the other side.

Get out of the way." And they go "Mooo" back at him.

He would look at the ducks in the sky and wave.

And they would "Quack!" back at him.

And do you know the railroad had the nerve to retire him

and give him a gold watch?

Well, they should have retired him.

Would you let a man drive a train who's drunk

and speaks to animals?

The point is, he was never sick a day in his life.

And three days after they retired him, he died.

And I know what happened.

He went to the zoo, waved at a gorilla.

The gorilla came out of the cage and waved right back at him.

[applause]

♪ Don't you stick out your can ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't your garbage man ♪

♪ No more ♪

Hey, Louie. How are you?

Ah, here's a man who knows how to travel.

Look at that. Skis, fishing poles, golf clubs.

Yeah, and I got my swimsuit in the trunk.

- [Ed] No kidding? - [Louie] Yeah.

You ought to see me in my bikini.

I'd rather not. I got a weak stomach.

Louie, happy retirement.

Oh, thank you, Chico, for the present.

But you didn't have to get me nothing.

I appreciate it, though.

A keychain.

Look at the little garbage can over there.

Yeah.

Turn that to the left, put it to your ear,

and it's an A.M. radio.

I got the Wolfman!

See? But it's got a lot of more stuff in it.

Like if you open this, it's a flashlight in case the bulb

in the hallway of your apartment building goes out.

You can see if there's somebody waiting to mug you.

Now, if the bulb burns out, there's also a little penknife

in there so if he jumps out, you can say,

"Wait a minute, sucker. I got something, too."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, back here on this side, when you open up,

there's a corkscrew in case the mugger just turns out

to be a wino who wants to share a bottle with you.

Oh, that's beautiful, Chico. Beautiful.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

But I got something for you, too, Louie.

Here's a little gift for me.

Oh, it's okay if it's only the 20 bucks you owe me.

It's the thought that counts.

Aw!

- [Chico] Aw! - [Ed] Aw!

Aw!

- [Chico] Aw! - [Ed] Aw!

Aw!

- [Chico] Aw. - [Ed] Aw.

A lifetime guarantee of free service for my car.

Yeah. You see, this way, Louie,

I know I'll get to see you every once in a while.

Wouldn't have been cheaper to buy him a Rolls-Royce?

You got a point.

Roadster, baby,

you finally made Medicare.

[smooches]

You know, your Uncle Alonzo talks to animals.

Louie talks to cars.

[clanging]

What was that?

Hey, what's that out there?

What is it? Oh, that must be

your replacement, Louie.

[clanging]

Morning.

- [Ed] Morning. - [Chico] Morning.

Morning? Morning?

Morning?!

Didn't they teach you nothing at the academy, dummy?

It's, "Good morning!"

Who are you?

I'm Lewis Wilson, garbage collector,

first-class, retired.

And these are my best friends here,

Ed Brown and Chico Rodriguez.

You don't drag the cans. You pick them up.

Look, don't confuse me.

This is my first day on the job.

Last week, I was a stockbroker

with B.F. Futtan.

And now you're in garbage, huh?

Well, you might say that I was always in garbage.

I wanted to be close to my stock.

He's bullish on garbage.

Louie, garbage just won't seem the same without you.

Well, let's get back to work.

Chico, we've got a lot of stuff to do, and Louie,

it's time for you to start enjoying your retirement.

Yeah. Have fun with it, Louie. See ya.

Yeah, I'm gonna have me some fun.

I still got a little time before the fun begins,

so I think I'll have me a cup of coffee.

Then I'll split.

[Ed] Okay, Louie, help yourself.

Chico, get to work on that tire, will ya?

Yeah, it's over here.

Mm-hmm.

Ed, this is really something.

Me standing up here watching the proletariat at work.

Let's see, where are those pliers?

I'll get them for you.

Oh.

- [Ed] yeah. - [Louie] There you go.

Wait. That's a screwdriver.

Oh.

There. Look at that. Good boy.

Louie, why don't you sit down and enjoy your retirement?

Ed, could you hand me that long screwdriver, please?

One long screwdriver coming up.

Give me that!

- [Ed] Here. - [Chico] Thanks.

Well, I think I'll grab the broom

and clean the place up a little bit for you.

Louie, unless you want to fly out on that broom, drop it.

Could I help you do something?

No.

Chico, could I give you a hand?

No. Just have fun, Louie. You're retired.

Now, are you sure I can't help you do nothing, now, Ed?

I said no, Louie!

Chico, hurry up with that patch, will you?

I'm hurrying, man. Just make sure you get

that battery recharged, okay?

Oh, I'll get it for you. I'll get it.

Here come the battery.

There you are, Ed.

Now, let me give you a hand, Chico.

All right, Louie, hand me the air hose.

Oh, one air hose coming up.

[humming]

There you are.

Thank you, Louie.

Man, this sure is a lot of fun, Chico.

You the surgeon and I'm the nurse.

Well, I guess you're gonna find the leak

and patch it up, huh, Chico?

Gonna try.

There you are, you little son of my gun.

I found you.

Let me mark it.

[air hissing]

Chico, I made a boo-boo.

That's okay, Louie. Now, I got two holes to fix.

I need the practice anyway.

Well, Ed, let me give you a hand there.

No, thanks, Louie. I don't need any -- Oh.

[telephone rings]

- [Louie] Hold it, Ed, hold it! - [Ed] Oh!

[electricity crackling]

Ed, what's the matter?

Ah, you [indistinct]! Shut it off, man!

Another day. Ah. Eh.

Morning, Chico.

Morning, Louie!

Don't worry. He's not here.

You're just saying that to make me feel good.

Ed, you've got to be patient with Louie.

He's only been coming around here for three days.

He's like-- He's like a skin diver.

He can't go into retirement too fast or he'll get the bends.

This is a garage, not a decompression chamber.

Didn't I tell you retirement was terrible, huh?

You said it was gonna be terrible for Louie.

You didn't tell me it was gonna be terrible for me.

Ed, he said if it was a beautiful day,

he was going fishing.

Well, let's pray it's a beautiful day.

Pull it harder. There you go.

Morning, Ed!

Louie, what are you doing here?

Oh, don't worry. I wasn't waiting too long.

Louie, you said if it was a beautiful day,

you were going fishing.

I said if it was a beautiful day,

I was going fishing.

And a beautiful day for fishing is rain.

I brought us a new coffee pot

because this old coffee pot makes a bitter coffee.

I also brought us some fresh donuts.

And since I'm gonna be here all day,

I brought some coveralls, so I think I'll go change.

I'll go change.

Yes, sir, I'm gonna change.

He's gonna change.

Chico, I've had it with Louie.

We got to find some way of getting him out of the garage.

Hey, Louie has to learn to walk before he can run.

He learned how to walk in here.

Let him learn how to walk out.

Ed, you go in the storeroom.

Take inventory. Let me see what I can do.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can nail that bathroom door shut so he can't get out.

Go in there. Go ahead. Get in your cage, Ed.

Stop growling at me.

Well, what's on our schedule today, Chico?

Oh, Louie, nothing much. This is our slow day.

We're gonna just take it easy, but for you,

it's very lucky, you retired son of my gun.

Let's see what you could do today.

Well, I'm ready for work.

Oh, no. You're retired, Louie.

Oh, look at this. You could go down

to Jungle Safari and look at the lions.

No, no safaris for me, Chico.

I saw those Tarzan pictures.

The lions never did go after Tarzan.

They always went after us.

What about Marineland?

You want to go dance with a whale?

No, I want to do that,

I'll just take my cousin Bertha to a church revival.

How about a movie? Here's a great one. "Earthquake."

I don't have to see "Earthquake."

I live in California. I get them live.

Hey, what you trying to do, get rid of me, Chico?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, if you were, Ed Brown would get real mad at you.

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

Hey, Birdie!

Well, man, hi. [laughs]

This is a pal of mine, Ed.

He just come down to get his car waxed

since I had nothing to do, right?

You're gonna wax his car here in my garage?

No, in my living room.

Why, you...

What about blocking the pump here?

How am I gonna serve gas? By mail?

Good thinking, Ed. Back it out in the alley.

Okay.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

No, this isn't Louie's Waxing Museum.

Hold it. Hold it, Chico! I'll get it.

- [Chico] Who's this? - [Louie] I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, George.

No, I'm booked up this morning,

but I can take you right after lunch.

Okay. See you then.

Louie, we're gonna have a little talk.

A nice talk, right, Ed?

I doubt that.

Look, Ed, you don't think I was gonna go

in the waxing business without cutting you in on the deal?

Oh, now he's gonna be our partner.

Well, look, I'm only trying to help you.

It's your garage. What do you want out of it?

You.

What Ed's trying to say--

I know, I know. He doesn't want me here.

Well, he finally got the message.

Hey, but you guys are pals. Louie! Louie?

Louie?

Well, you did it again.

I certainly hope so.

There goes 20 years of friendship out the door.

Don't worry. He'll be back. I know human nature.

Uh-oh, he's back sooner than I thought.

Ed Brown, I want to tell you something

I should have told you 20 years ago.

Give me back my pot.

You got the lowest class of garbage in this neighborhood.

That's why ain't no cat been in your alley in 12 years.

And you ain't got the decency to put lids on your can.

So our friendship-- you can just forget it.

Well, Professor, what time's

the next lecture on human nature?

The next time Louie comes in.

Ed, you should call Louie.

I'll give you the dime. It won't cost you anything.

I'm not gonna call him.

Ed, sit down.

Louie's your best friend, and I want to tell you something.

Ed, you're just not the easiest guy

in the world to get along with.

Who says I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with?!

- [Chico] There they go again. - [Ed] What?

The veins on your neck are bulging out.

That happens to you six, seven, eight times a day.

That doesn't happen to everybody else.

You're a vampire's dream.

You look like a rooster after six cock fights.

Now, Ed, Louie is your best friend.

Aside from him, there's only three other people

in the neighborhood you talk to.

- [Ed] Yeah. - [Chico] Now, what do you say?

I'm thinking.

About making up with Louie?

No, about not talking to those other three people.

Ed, right now, Louie--

poor Louie's at home, lying by the phone,

waiting for his best friend to call him.

In that case, I don't want to tie up his phone.

Ed, I'm dialing. I'm gonna call him right now.

Go ahead. I won't talk to him.

[telephone dinging]

You're gonna talk to him.

- [Ed] No. - [Chico] Ed, you're gonna

talk to him because you're good, kind, sweet, and decent-hearted.

It's ringing.

All right.

What am I gonna say?

Open your heart. Let the words flow.

Hello, pest.

- [Ed] He hung up. - [Chico] No kidding, he hung up!

I've got obscene phone calls nicer than that.

That's it, you're going to his house and apologize in person.

What? You want me to go to his house,

hat in hand, and apologize?

You want me to crawl there on my hands and knees

and grovel in the dirt?

You want me to prostrate myself and beg his forgiveness?

You want me to go there with tears of remorse

in my eyes and cry out, "I'm sorry"?

Is that what you want me to do?

By George, I think you've got it.

Come on. Looking good.

Flowers are the perfect touch. They say everything.

Love, beauty, friendship,

"Want to spend a weekend together?"

The flowers say all that, why can't I leave them

in front of the door and let them say it to him?

Come on, Ed, smile. Give us a twinkle in the eyes.

- [Ed] Ah! - [Chico] Curve up the mouth.

Show us some teeth.

I wish I could lend you a dimple.

[doorbell buzzes]

You passed away, huh?

You call that a nice greeting?

Uh, Louie, the only reason we're here

is because Ed has something to say to you,

and I know you have something you want to say to him.

"Come on in, fellas!" Thanks, Louie. We will.

Watch it! You're on the golf course.

What do you want me to do, stand in the bathroom?

Or is that a water hazard?

There's nothing like a cool glass of beer

after a good round of golf.

Glass of beer would go nice right now, wouldn't it, Ed?

Yeah, it's gotten awful hot on this golf course.

Here's to true friendship.

That was hostile.

And not giving me any beer-- that was friendly?

Come on, fellas, now, hey. I want you to shake hands,

go in your neutral corners, and come out smiling.

- [Ed] No. - [Chico] Come on, shake.

- [Ed] No. - [Chico] Shake.

Take his hand.

Put that over there.

[speaks Spanish]

Ed, I'm sorry I said all those mean,

rotten, ugly things about you.

I didn't hear you say anything mean, rotten, and ugly about me.

Not to you, the rest of the neighborhood.

What did you say?

It doesn't matter what he said.

You take it all back, right, Louie?

Yeah, but it's gonna take a little while, Chico,

'cause this is a big neighborhood.

Louie, I don't care what you said.

I had a right to throw you out for your own good.

You just don't know how to have any fun.

I do too know how to have fun!

I was having fun helping you, Ed.

Louie, I run a garage.

It's not a playground for senior citizens.

The way you were trying to take over my garage,

I had -- I had a right to throw you out.

It's my garage.

And this is my golf course,

so get off of it!

I hope you shoot 112.

Hey, this ain't the way it's supposed to happen, guys.

- [Ed] Goodbye. - [Louie] Good riddance.

Looking bad.

- [Chico] Bye, Louie. - [Louie] Bye, Chico.

[strumming guitar]

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

You can stop right there. He's forgotten.

Hey, Louie, looking sharp.

Yeah.

Look, I'm not here for no whole lot

of talk and conversation.

I'm here to get my car serviced

because I'm going on a vacation.

Going on a vacation? If he's going to Hawaii,

he'll have to get a full set of sails for Rosebud.

How far are you planning on going, Louie?

Well, I think I'll go to Palm Springs, Chico,

then up in the mountains.

You don't think I'm gonna let an old man like you

cross the desert and over the mountains

in a crate like this, do you?

At the scene of the accident, If they ever find out

this wreck was serviced by Ed Brown,

I'd be up for manslaughter.

He loves me.

- [Ed] Did I say that? - [Chico] You sure did.

[smooches]

Ed, my friend! My buddy!

My soul brother!

Take it easy, Louie.

You're not retiring to this garage.

Well, a man's gotta retire someplace, Ed.

Well, why don't you try going back to garbage?

[posh accent] Louie, no one ever emptied a can like you.

Why, you could tell more about a man's personality

from his garbage can than a psychiatrist could

with all his little inkblot tests and whatnot.

Why, you don't give away a gift like that, Louis, no.

Winston Churchill was still in parliament at 80.

Pablo Casals was still fiddling around at 90.

Keep on, keep on, keep on!

And Satchel Paige, when he was way up there,

was still pitching in the big leagues.

Louie, you're a big-leaguer.

Thanks. I needed that.

Hey, hold on a minute. Where you going?

I'm going down to the union hall,

see if I can get my job back.

[normal voice] That's the spirit that made America great.

You think old Rosebud will make it in?

If it's downhill all the way, yes.

Well...

[engine sputters and backfires]

Hey, what was that?

There it is, Louie.

You're gonna have to pay for it.

When your retirement ends,

so does the lifetime guarantee.

[speaking Spanish]

[whistling]

Good morning, Mr. Brown.

Don't call me Mr. Brown. Call me Seabiscuit.

Seabiscuit? That's the name of a horse.

Well, I had a dream last night.

I dreamt I was running in the Kentucky Derby.

- [Chico] Well, that's good. - [Ed] No, it's not so good.

I came in last.

- [Chico] That's bad. - [Ed] Not so bad.

They decided to put me out to pasture.

- [Chico] That's good. - [Ed] No, it's bad.

It means subconsciously I want to retire.

No, no, it means just the opposite.

When they put a thoroughbred out to pasture,

that means they're putting him out to stud.

Yeah?

You got a lot of whoopee left in you, Eddie baby.

- [telephone rings] - [Ed] Uh-oh.

Ed Brown's Garage.

Oh, hello, Shirley. It's Mrs. Shrift.

- [Chico] Aha. - [Ed] How are you? Yeah, I--

Hmm? What do you mean? Dinner Saturday night?

- [Ed] Well, I don't know. - [Chico] Come on, Seabiscuit!

Hey! Seabiscuit! Wail, baby!

Seabiscuit coming around the stretch.

Here comes Seabiscuit around the home stretch.

Here she comes. Seabiscuit!

Okay! All right! You got a date for Saturday night.

And the winner is Seabiscuit!

Looking good.

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪