Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, one, two, three, and...

♪♪

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will, for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

[Chico snoring]

Well, this doesn't sound like a man

who's on his way to his first million.

Chico?

Chico?!

Here we go again.

I'm going to wake him up and tell him he was sleeping.

He's going to tell me he was not sleeping.

Then I'm going to tell him he was snoring,

and he's going to tell me he was not snoring.

Then I'm going to ask him what he was doing while I was away.

And that's where he's going to make a big mistake.

He's going to tell me he was working.

Well, Chico, I'm not your fairy godmother,

but I can wake you up because I have here in my hand

a magic apple turnover.

Alright, Chico, turn over.

Come on, Chico. Wake up.

Chico!

Oh!

Hi. Yeah, hi, Ed!

- You were sleeping. - I wasn't sleeping.

Who, me? Sleeping?

You were snoring.

I wasn't snoring, either. No.

What were you doing while I was away?

Working.

You were working?

I was sleeping.

Oh, that's more like it.

You just saved not only your life,

but the life of this apple turnover.

Chico, you've been staying out late for the last six weeks

every night.

Now, you can't take it.

If the night air doesn't kill you, she will.

Ed, Patty's a terrific girl.

Is that who you're going around with, Patty?

Yeah. And oh, my goodness, is she beautiful.

She's gorgeous. She's wonderful. I never seen so much action

in a pair of dungarees in my life.

Ed, what are you worried about? I'm young and strong.

I can handle it.

You may be young,

but Mother Nature only gives a man so many big nights.

And what happens after that?

After that it's checkers, all the way.

And another thing -- you've been neglecting your work.

Yeah, but look who I've been neglecting it for -- for Patty.

You don't see me picking up girls on the corner like...

[speaking Spanish]

What's the matter? You can't talk with nobody?

You can see I don't need you. I got pride.

Ed, man, look what I'm neglecting my work for.

I'm not neglecting it. I'm always busy.

You always see me working on something.

Yeah. And if her parents ever find out,

you'll be in big trouble.

Now listen.

You should have been awake, waiting for that truck driver

to bring those premiums back here that you ordered.

I'm glad you brought that up,

because we're going to make a fortune.

With this dish giveaway with every 12 gallons,

we're going to turn the whole place around.

Yeah? Well, I wish I'd have turned this place around

15 years ago so it faced the freeway.

Then I would have made a fortune.

Ahh!

But you don't get rich with a gimmick.

You don't get rich with a gimmick?

I just said that.

Ed, let me tell you something.

Right now,

when we're talking here, in Hawaii, lying on the beach,

is a man with beautiful Hawaiian girls

throwing grapes in his mouth

and telling him he's beautiful and gorgeous,

and he's got lovely, wavy hair.

And do you know who that guy is?

He invented a little gimmick called the hula hoop.

And do you know who's lying next to him on the beach

drinking an exotic drink out of a pineapple?

[Ed] Who?

His cousin Herbie.

His cousin Herbie came up with

the fluorescent, hand-painted tie

that glows "I love you, Mom" in the dark.

Herbie may not even be there next to his cousin.

He may be in his chalet on the Riviera,

feeding caviar to his cockatoo.

Ed, this whole country is built on gimmicks.

Look at the way they changed the style of clothes.

There's the mini, the maxi.

There's a guy in France telling a woman what to wear,

and he's been arrested three times

on a Paris subway for wearing that stuff.

You know what your trouble is?

Your pants are so tight,

it cuts off the circulation to your brain.

It's the same with the changing hairstyles.

It's all a gimmick-- the bobble, the flip,

the pageboy, the shag, the beehive.

[buzzing]

"And not too much off the top, Maurice."

And the men are caught up in it, too, Ed.

My grandfather wears his hair

all the way down to his platforms.

What does your grandmother think?

She doesn't pay any attention to him.

She's busy meditating with her guru.

Forgot about that!

I want to get my hands on the guy

who told you to make a left turn into my garage.

Ed, can't you see premiums are the thing?

Customer giveaways are going to help business--

dishes, steak knives, little mugs and cups.

Premiums is the secret word.

Premium? That's the secret word.

I didn't see the duck come down.

Groucho didn't hand me a $50 bill.

[as Groucho Marx] That's the great thing about it, my boy.

- We don't need any money. - Stop that!

[normal voice] Ed, that's the beauty of it.

We don't have to put up any money up front.

We get the dishes on 60-day consignment.

And what happens after that?

Well, after that, we make so much money,

we get some more premiums, more dishes, more steak knives,

cups, all kinds of things.

We even get some little dogs for the back of the Chevy

with the head going up and down.

And, Ed, after that, it's you and me on the beach of Hawaii,

surrounded by the beautiful girls.

[imitating Hawaiian music]

All right, all right. You can throw the ukulele away

and take off the grass skirt.

You forgot to order one premium - your straitjacket.

Now, I know you've been having a lot of big dreams,

and that's caused by your sleeping on the job

all the time.

So, get in the storeroom there and get some washers

so we can work on that motor.

[Chico sighs]

- Hi, Chico! - Louie.

Hi, Ed.

Louie.

Well, did he do it again?

He certainly did.

He got in at 6:00 again this morning.

That's every night this week.

[chuckles]

What are you laughing at?

Oh, just thinking about

when I used to have the strength to do that.

Well, I wouldn't go down memory lane too fast, Louie.

You might strain yourself.

You know, Ed, I can remember when I was Chico's age.

I used to go see this pretty, little girl

every night in the week.

I'd walk eight miles up...

...and eight miles back.

You mean you walked 16 miles every night to see this girl?

That's right.

And on Thursday, I'd be real tired.

Of course, on Friday, she would meet me halfway.

Halfway?

Yeah. You see, we were very lucky.

You see, between my house and her house,

there was a big, wide open field.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

Now, how long did this arrangement last?

Until I broke out in an alfalfa rash.

Louie, you could have got the same thing

from dancing with Euell Gibbons.

I don't understand this boy.

He doesn't take care of himself. He's going to get sick.

He's half dead on his feet right now.

Hey, Ed, well, the way that car is built

is really going to wake Chico up.

So, perhaps you better go wait on her.

I see.

Well, I don't think that's a good idea.

See, the only one she allows to look under her hood is Chico.

But I'll give it a whirl.

Hi, Patty. How's things going?

What can I do for you?

You can call Chico.

Oh, he's a little busy right now. Can I help?

Well, I don't think so, Mr. Brown.

You see, I, uh... I have a very tricky gas cap.

And Chico's the only one who knows how to take it off.

Chico? Chico?!

[Chico] Yes, Ed?

Come out here and wait on this young lady.

[Chico] I'm kind of busy. Can't you take care of her?

No. She's got a tricky gas cap.

Thank you. I'm sorry to be so much trouble.

Oh, that's all right.

Hello, Chico.

Hi, Patty.

Fill her up?

Yes, please.

[Chico yawns]

Tricky gas cap, huh?

The way you take it off, Chico, you got a real gift.

I'm not going to stand around here and listen to this drivel.

Come on.

Let's go into the office. I'll buy you a drink.

I haven't seen much of you lately, Chico.

Yeah, I know. Ed and I have been very busy.

See, we got a government contract,

and we service the army's trucks every night

after they come off maneuvers.

[Patty] Oh, it sounds very important.

Yeah, well, you know, we're just doing our part.

When Uncle Sam needs a lube job, we take care of him.

Um, what do I owe you?

Uh, $2.

- By the way, Chico. - Yes?

I'm having some friends over tonight.

And since I haven't seen you in weeks,

maybe you'd like to drop by.

Patty, I'd love to, but tonight's our busy night.

We got the troop trucks, the supply trucks,

the ammunition trucks, and the general staff car coming in.

Lube jobs?

Chico, can I ask you something?

Yes, Patty. Anything.

Are we at war?

Patty, for the sake of national security,

I think it's better you don't know.

I understand. Be careful, Chico.

Alright.

[engine starts]

Oh, listen, Chico.

I heard what Patty said. You have not been seeing her.

Now, I don't want to pry into your private life.

That's what I like about you, Ed.

You never like to pry into my private life.

I was just telling my friend the other day,

"One thing about Ed I like,

he never like to pry into my private life."

That's right.

He never pries in nobody's private life.

And I never will.

Thank you, Ed. I'm glad.

Chico...

where you been going for the last few nights?

I didn't know you were that interested in my private life.

- All you had to do was ask. - Well, I'm asking.

Where have you been for the last few nights?

- None of your business. - Why, you...

Chico Rodriguez?

Yeah, that's me.

Two cases of presidential plates.

Where do you want them?

Up against the wall is good.

- Before I do that, I need $142. - [Ed] $142?

I thought these things were on consignment.

No way.

I get $142 COD, or they go back in the truck.

Good. They go back in the truck.

Let me talk to you for a minute outside.

I don't believe it. I don't believe what I'm seeing.

Hey, Louie, come here.

What's going on?

Chico just took a big roll of bills out of his pocket

that would choke a horse, and he peeled off $142,

and he's paying it to that truck driver.

$142.

- Now, now... - Where'd he get the money?

Now, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe he inherited it.

- Inherited? - Yeah.

Twenty-six of his uncles would have to die

before he inherited $142.

Well, I believe Chico's in big trouble, Ed.

Big trouble.

Where did I go wrong?

Where did I go wrong?

[whistling, humming]

- Hey, Chico? - Yeah, Ed?

What is it, 30 or 60 days on that consignment?

We've got 60.

- And then we have to pay? - Mm-hmm.

That means we have to pay twice, huh?

What do you mean, Ed?

I saw you pay that truck driver the $142.

Take it easy. Watch that stuff.

I'm not going to break any of these dishes, Ed.

Don't worry.

I'm not worried about the dishes.

I'm worried about the box.

We're going to have to send the dishes back in that box

unless you tell me where you got the money for them.

I don't want any hot presidents laying around in my garage.

I saved the money, Ed.

You saved the money?

Look George Washington in the eye and say that.

Presidente Jorge Washington...

[speaking Spanish]

You know he doesn't understand Spanish.

Here!

George, like you, I cannot tell a lie.

I saved the money.

You would lie to a president of the United States?

No, but a few of them have lied to me.

I want you to stop fooling around with our history.

Ed, I love the history of our country.

[broadcaster voice] Hello, This is Francisco Rodriguez

with tonight's "Bicentennial Minute."

On this day in 1775, a man named Paul Revere

rode down the streets of Boston, shouting,

"The British are coming! The British are coming!"

The big snitch, I'd like to wring his neck.

And all along his path, people open their windows

and yell, "Say, stupid. Don't be yelling this out here.

Now I'll kill you.

You trying to wake people up or something?

What's the matter with you?"

And then Paul answered,

"Alright, but don't blame me if tomorrow night

some dude in a red coat is taking out your old lady."

Paul spurred his horse on to the old North Church,

banged on the door.

The janitor answered, and Paul said, "Listen, baby.

Take these two lanterns up to the top of the tower.

And if you see the English, signal one by land, two by sea.

Hear?"

And the janitor retorted in true Yankee determination,

"It's not my job, man."

How would you like to comb

Thomas Jefferson out of your hair?

[normal voice] Be careful with those plates.

They're expensive, man.

Yeah. What do you care? You got plenty of money.

Oh, Ed, come on. Don't bug me about the money.

I'm going to get some more plates.

- [Louie] Hey, Chico. - [Chico] Hello, Louie.

- Hey, Ed. - Hi, Louie.

You know something?

That big banner outside sure looks good.

- It does? - Yeah.

And this idea of giving dishes away

is one of your greatest ideas.

- You really think so? - That's right.

You know, Ed, I can remember a long time ago

when I was courting my wife.

Hold it.

Okay, go ahead.

You see, we used to go to the movies every Saturday

because they gave away a free dish.

Uh-huh.

We did that for 32 consecutive Saturdays.

And then when we got the complete set,

I couldn't stall any longer, Ed.

We got married.

Find out where Chico's been going every night?

No.

But did you find out where he's been getting all that money?

No, but I think I figured it out.

Now, if he saved every penny since he first started

working for me, and he had $6 when we first met,

he'd have had $142.

Oh, my, Ed.

You mean to tell me that boy saved every penny you paid him

since he's been working for you?

Well, that's a possibility.

We got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Look, I'm not accusing Chico of anything.

Neither am I.

Where do you think he got the money?

I think he stole it.

Louie, you know better than that.

We know what kind of a boy Chico is.

You really don't think he stole the money, do you?

No, I don't think he stole it.

Good.

I think he drove the getaway car.

Louie, let's not be so suspicious.

We got to have a little faith in Chico.

Now, I think he's been saving that money all his life.

It's probably the money he got for walking people's dogs,

for going to the store for people,

his confirmation money,

bringing the bottles back for money.

Yeah. And just think he was doing all this for us,

to help us out in the garage.

Yeah, I don't think he's got a dime left at this point.

I'll prove it to you.

Hey, Chico?

[Chico] Yeah, Ed?

Listen, I, uh, didn't get to the bank this morning,

so I'm a little short.

Do you think you could lend me $20 or so?

Sure, Ed.

Louie, we can't let this out.

We got to hide him till this whole thing blows over.

Listen, Ed. I'm a little tired.

Do you mind if I take my lunch hour now

and go for a nap in the van?

Hey, Chico, why don't you come across the street with me

and have a piece of pizza, huh?

Some other time, Louie. I'm really wasted.

You know something, Ed? I think he's too tired to chew.

Yeah.

I don't know, Louie. That's not my Chico.

That's not the boy who rode in here on a bicycle

and was going to take over the garage industry.

No, that's not the Chico we know and love.

I know what happened.

Somebody switched Chicos on us, right?

Right.

I read a book once

about the two brothers who looked exactly alike.

And they switched them.

Yeah. Hold it, Louie.

And?

Now, one brother lived in Germany,

and the other brother lived in France.

Now, whenever the brother in Germany got his arm twisted,

the one in France would yell.

So, in fact, why don't you go in there and twist his arm,

and I'll go out in the street.

If I hear somebody else yell,

then I'll know that's the other Chico.

See?

Sometimes I wish you'd switch Louies on me.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm Father O'Malley, a new priest in the parish.

I'm just walking around the neighborhood,

introducing myself to everybody.

Well, hello, Father. I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm Ed Brown. This is my garage.

This is my friend Louie Wilson.

Glad to meet you, Father.

Oh, by the way, gentlemen, have the police been here yet?

- Police? - Police?

What would the police be doing here?

What the police doing in here?

You've been spending too much time under cars, Mr. Brown.

You ought to come out once in a while.

Didn't you know there have been three robberies

- in the area this week? - Three robberies?

Oh, yes. Mr. Peterson's hardware store

just two doors down the block was robbed last night.

Didn't Mr. Peterson tell you?

Well, no.

You see, I haven't spoken to Mr. Peterson in 15 years.

Well, didn't Mr. Gianelli tell you

that his shoe store was robbed?

No, Mr. Gianelli didn't tell me.

And I don't understand that because we're a lot closer.

We haven't spoken in three years.

Look. Do they suspect anyone, Father?

Well, the police are pretty sure

that it's somebody who knows the neighborhood very well.

Oh!

Oh, Ed, look. They can't suspect you.

You got an alibi.

You've been here every night waiting on Chico.

Oh, yes.

You've got Chico Rodriguez working here, don't you?

Yeah. Why? What did he do, Father?

Be sure and tell him that Father O'Malley

says thanks for the $10 contribution to the boys' camp.

Ten dollars? More money?

Yes, a contribution.

Yeah, I'll tell him, Father. I'll tell him.

Well, excuse me, gentlemen. I've got to run off now.

I promised the nuns that I'd teach them

how to play backgammon.

That's a very exciting game, you know?

I think it may be bigger than bingo.

Oh, bless you both.

Robbing a hardware store, huh?

Why would he do a thing like that?

If he needed a wrench or some washers or a pair of pliers,

he could have come to me.

Maybe he needed the money, Ed.

Well, if he needed money, he could have come to me, too.

I couldn't have given it to him,

but at least he could have come to me.

Why did he do a thing like that? Why? Why? Why?

I tell you what.

You keep the one in the van busy,

and I'll go out in the street and find the real Chico, right?

Yeah. You're a big help, Louie. Thanks a lot.

Why? Why?

Why?! Alright, out! Out! Out!

What's the matter, Ed? What's going on?

There's been a robbery.

- We've been robbed? - No, not us.

There have been three robberies in the neighborhood.

Big deal. There's three robberies in every neighborhood.

And Father O'Malley wants to thank you for the $10

you gave to the boys' camp.

And here. Where is it? Here's the $20 I owe you.

And where's the rest of it? Oh, right in here, huh?

And the $142. That makes the whole thing.

Where did you get all that money?

Shrewd investments.

How'd you get all that money?

I want to know where you got that money!

You just assassinated three plates.

How? Tell me. Where did you get that money?

What I do after 6:00 is my business, Ed.

That's what you think.

I do all my best worrying about you after 6:00.

I've had 30 mechanics in this place,

and when they went home after 6:00,

I didn't worry about them. They were out of my life.

But you? You came into my life.

You rode in here on your bicycle with those dungarees

and that stupid smile on your kisser,

and you got me all involved.

Now I worry about you 24 hours a day.

I want to know one thing. Where'd you get that money?

- Don't you trust me yet? - Of course I trust you.

But I'll trust you even more if you tell me

where you got the money!

Oh, in trouble again, huh? You're firing him, aren't you?

Same thing must have happened to him at the other place.

What other place?

That big gas station over near the highway.

I drove in there a couple of times,

3:00, 4:00 in the morning. He's half asleep.

Is this true?

Yes, that's him. It's true.

I drove in there last week, got over 12 gallons of gas.

And you never gave me the free Mickey Mantle beer mug.

We were all out of them.

You probably kept them for yourself.

Hey, you? Out of my garage!

You're interfering in a family argument.

Ah, I just came in for some gas and a free dish.

Well, here's a picture of President Harding.

You deserve each other.

Now get out of my garage.

[engine starts]

Ed, you see? Now you know what happened.

If I told you I got another job, you'd have said...

[as Ed] Chico, you're crazy to try and hold down two jobs.

You can make yourself sick. Your health will suffer.

No, I wouldn't have said that.

I would have yelled it.

But, Chico, I owe you an apology.

Here you were, working nights to make enough money

to support me and the garage. That's very sweet of you.

I thought you were doing something else.

I never could understand what was going on.

Ed, come on. Come on. It's okay.

Hey, if Sherlock Holmes had as much evidence on me,

he'd have booked me just like that.

But you worry too much about me.

Well, I have to. It's not easy to get cheap help.

I'm no help.

You're telling me?

Boy, Ed, I'm really nervous. That job really knocked me out.

I haven't been out with a girl in six weeks.

I hope I remember what to do.

Don't worry.

The minute you see a dress, it'll all come back to you.

Alright, I'm back again for women.

How do I look?

What are you asking me for? As far as I'm concerned,

since Adolphe Menjou died, nobody knows how to dress good.

I don't know why I'm so nervous and fidgety.

Probably the same reason you took four cold showers

this afternoon.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Patty. I'll be over to pick you up in five minutes.

No. What do you mean, no?

Patty, don't say that.

Uh-huh.

Alright, I'll see you in a week.

Now what am I going to do?

Well, as Mother Nature would say,

from now on in, it's checkers all the way.

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪