Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, a-one, two, three and...

♪♪

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the man ♪

♪ Yes, they will, for Chico and the man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

Chico!

Chico!

Yeah.

What can I do for you, Ed?

Did Mrs. Gordon bring that medicine for my shoulder?

Yeah, she flew in on her broomstick

and left it right there in that bag.

Oh.

Hey, why don't you stop fooling around with that quack medicine

and call a doctor?

It's not quack medicine. The doctor didn't prescribe it.

You don't know what Mrs. Gordon put in there.

What's the difference? As long as it cures me.

It'll probably cure you, but you'll be under a curse.

You'll be under a curse if you don't help me open this.

Here.

I don't fool around with the devil's brew.

Devil's brew? What are you talking about?

That's an old fashioned home remedy.

Do you know what kind of home that it came from?

It is probably a home on a foggy hill with a creaking door,

with a cellar, with a creaking door

and bubbling test tubes in the old crazy woman.

Stirring a cauldron full of fried bat wings

and pulverized goat's teeth.

An old issue of "TV Guide," maybe,

and the tattoo of an eagle off a gypsy's chest.

And if you drink this concoction, sir,

you will have an uncontrollable urge

to buy a home in Philadelphia.

Pick up that job.

And I wish you'd go see a doctor.

A doctor? You know I hate doctors.

Their hands are too cold.

Now, come on. Here, help me with this.

Take the sweater off the shoulder

and do it very gently now.

Very, very, very gently.

Oh. Oh, that's the idea. Easy.

[grunts] Okay.

Now, grab hold of that jar and see if you're

strong enough to open it.

[speaking in Spanish]

What's the matter?

It smells like the goat's still in there.

That's a good sign.

If it smells bad, that means you're going to work good.

Now, rub a little on my shoulder,

but very carefully now.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ed, the pain must be getting worse.

It's about four inches away from your shoulder now.

Alright. Well, put some on there.

But with your fingertips, very carefully now.

Very carefully now. Ah, ah.

Oh, ah, ah.

How's that?

Oh, oh, oh. Ah.

- Your hands are too cold. - Don't worry.

As soon as the bat wings heat up, it'll be fine.

You don't believe in anything, do you?

No, I don't believe that the cure

for your shoulder can come from a woman

who runs a laundromat.

You don't?

Well, you wouldn't believe that electricity was discovered

by a guy in short pants flying a kite,

would you?

Benjamin Franklin was a scientist.

Mrs. Gordon is the guru of the fluff and fold crowd.

Alright, that's enough. That's enough now.

And put the sweater back now.

- Ah, ah, ah. Oh, oh. - Okay.

And can I ask you a question without you getting angry?

I doubt it.

Why are you afraid to go to the doctor?

Who's afraid of doctors?

- You are. - I am not. You're wrong.

Okay, then. I'll call one.

Wait a minute.

You're not going to call any doctors?

Let's drop the whole subject.

Okay, we can drop the subject.

But what will we talk about? Football.

That's over.

Alright, well, let's talk about the weather or something.

Yeah, the weather is beautiful.

Isn't it A beautiful day to go to a doctor?

Will you stop that? I'm not going to any doctor.

You know why?

Because nine times out of ten, the doctor

can't find out what's wrong with you.

So he brings in a specialist. You know what a specialist is?

That's a guy whose wife needs a new fur coat.

The specialist doesn't want to be blamed for anything,

so he calls in a consultant.

A consultant is a guy who lives

thousands of miles away from you.

So they have to fly him in in a plane at your expense.

And that's the reason why by the time the doctor

gets to your bedside, you're broke.

When it comes to your health, money should be no object.

That's the way the doctors feel about it.

Ed, you got to remember, it takes $50,000

for a man to become a doctor today.

Yeah, and sometimes it takes them at least three months

to get it back.

- [Ed] Hey, look who's here. - Hi, Alfred.

Alfie, How are you doing? How's everything?

- What can I do for you? - Alright.

Well, I'd better fill her up, I guess.

Yes, indeed.

- [Ed] How you been, Alfie. - Good, Ed, how are you?

Alfred, I'm glad you stopped in.

[bell dings]

You look like an intelligent man to me.

Oh, I don't know. I...

Yeah, you look like an intellectual, intelligent man.

Alfred, if you had a pain in this shoulder for two weeks,

wouldn't you go see a doctor?

Not if a plumber was handy.

Alfred, you're a very intelligent man.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Know, the last person you should go to

when you're sick is a doctor.

- Right. - [sniffs]

What's that smell?

It's terrible, isn't it?

- No, I rather like it. - And so do I.

And I'm glad to meet a man who feels the same way

about doctors as I do. Shake hands.

Oh, you too, huh?

Let me tell you something about doctors, Chico.

Five years ago I went to a doctor

with a wart on this finger.

Yeah, well, it's gone now, right?

Look, the doctor did his job. What he said he would do.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

He removed the wart from this finger.

But two days later, came back on this finger.

See what I tell you about doctors?

That's right. Oh, let me tell you about my sister's knee.

Hey, I don't know nothing about your sister.

I was in church. I got a girlfriend.

Oh, I want to hear all about her sister's knee. Talk to me.

You want to hear about it?

- Yeah. - Well, look, my sister,

she had the pain in her knee, very bad pain.

Well, she went from one doctor to another.

Finally, it cost her $5,600

to find out she had water on the knee.

Water on the knee?

For $5,600, they should have found oil.

Right.

You're all finished. Four bucks.

- Four bucks? Okay. - Yeah.

Hey, by the way, Ed, who puts out that cologne you're wearing?

Madame Gordon of Paris. You can get it in any store.

Alfie, it's been good seeing you.

Yeah, nice seeing you guys. See you later.

Alright. Watch yourself at all times.

- Okay. - [engine starts]

Thanks, Alfred.

See you later.

You know, Alfred's not only an intelligent man,

he's a philosopher, and that reminds me.

I have to go into my office and take some medication.

Who prescribed it?

My bartender.

- [Mabel] Mail call! - [Ed] Oh.

Mail call!

Hello.

Hi, Ed.

Hi.

- How's yours arm? - Fine. How's yours?

Strong. You want to try me, huh?

Oh, boy. It was a bad day

for this country when they got rid of the Pony Express.

Ed, you haven't gone to a doctor.

Why should he go to a doctor when he has the magic salve.

Not only cures the pain in his shoulder,

but it'll kill asthma if you got it.

Ooh, I smell it. I smell it. Oh, boy.

I wish I'd had some of that stuff to rub

on my shoulder last night.

The guy I was out with was all hands.

Come on, Mabel, stop blabbering. What have you got for me?

Oh, the usual mail.

Yeah? we'll put it in the usual place.

The garbage.

Just hold this one second for me.

[screaming]

[indistinct shouting]

[screams]

It'll be alright. It'll be alright.

[muttering]

Hey, would you stop?

The doctor will be here in a few minutes.

Yeah. Well, I think they'll walk over here did me good.

Uh, my shoulder doesn't hurt anymore.

Ed, you don't walk on your shoulder.

I know that, but I think we ought to get out of here.

Come on, let's go.

Ed, now you behave or I go and tell the doctor

don't give you a lollipop.

Why -- why did you bring me to this doctor?

Because when your doctor retired,

this is the guy that took over his practice.

Well, he's not going to practice on me.

I'm getting out of here. I need some fresh air.

Ed, I need some fresh air, too.

Mrs. Gordon salve is killing me.

- Oh. - So you stand there.

- And I'll stand here. - Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can go back to the playground.

I'm Dr. Crowley.

You're Dr. Crowley?

- I'm leaving. - Mr. Leaving,

you must excuse my appearance. I was out playing ball.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Excuse me, Doctor. - Yes, nurse?

I have Mrs. Sandra Roma inside.

Oh, good. Take two CC's of blood from her and tell her

I'll be with her in a minute.

[beeper beeps]

Oh, take the beeper.

Call the service. Tell them I'm back in the office.

Yes, Doctor.

- You want some help with that beeper? - Come back here.

I got a neighbor who has a cat that's older

than this doctor.

- Ed? Ed Brown? - That's me.

Well, Mr. Brown, what is your problem?

We've got a sore shoulder.

Oh, gee.

How long have we had it?

Well, let's see. A couple of days.

More like two weeks.

Two weeks, Alright, two weeks.

Could we raise our arm over our head?

If we can raise our arm over our head,

we wouldn't be here, would we?

- Now, Mr. Brown. - Yes?

I am going to touch your shoulder.

I wouldn't do that unless you're wearing a helmet.

On second thought, I won't touch your shoulder.

I'll take a complete medical history.

Have you suffered from chronic back trouble?

Back trouble? No.

Aches in the joints? Pains in the legs?

Aches in the joints, no. Pains in the legs, no.

Ask him about hangovers.

- [Crowley] Hangovers? - Hey, who asked you?

Why are you asking me all these questions?

Ed, he has to ask you all these questions.

It's like everything in the body

relates to something else in the body.

For instance, you could have a pain in one area

due to a malfunction in another area.

Give an example, did you ever see something with your eyes

that made you sick to your stomach?

Hey, you're right.

How come you know so much about medicine?

I used to play doctor a lot when I was little.

- Mr. Brown? - Yes?

How long has it been since your last physical examination?

Well, I think it was the year the Japanese surrendered.

That was a very long time ago, Mr. Brown.

Yeah, but that checkup had a lifetime guarantee.

Mr. Brown, would you walk this way?

Where are we going?

Into the examining room

where you will take off your shirt.

Take off my shirt?

After I examine you, I may want to put you in the hospital.

The hospital?

Just for a couple of days.

Couple of days?

To do a complete checkup.

First door on your right.

Okay.

Doctor, you said a complete checkup.

Is there anything really wrong with him?

Probably not, but a man his age

that hasn't been examined since the Japanese surrendered

should have a complete checkup.

That's true. Hey, would your baseball team

like to play my baseball team?

- Any time. - Okay.

I'll stay in touch and we'll arrange a game.

- Or favors. - [nurse] Doctor? Doctor?

What is it, Nurse?

Mr. Brown just ran out the side entrance.

[gasps]

[speaking in Spanish]

This guy is gonna drive me bananas.

[Mabel] Mail call!

Mail call!

What happened, Mabel?

My doctor's coming.

Dynamite. How did you manage it?

Oh, a woman has ways.

Mabel, you didn't, uh...?

No, I just promised to cook them a home-cooked meal.

[whistles]

How will I know who he is when he gets here?

Oh, he'll be wearing a red hunting outfit.

That's good. Ed's in season.

Yeah.

- How is old grizzly. - Growling.

Gave me a lot of trouble. He embarrassed me yesterday

the way he ran out of that office like a little kid.

Why didn't the doctor run after him and bring him back?

He's too young to cross the street by himself.

Where is Ed now?

Upstairs, trying to cure himself.

How's he doing that?

Well, you see, he made a sling out of his pants,

and now he's learning how to hop around.

- Good morning, Ed. - Good morning, Ed.

Hi, Chico. Chico.

Grab a piece of canvas and put it on the floor.

Ed, you're not going to work with that arm.

Who said anything about working.

Come on, grab that piece of canvas.

Well, I got to get going.

Hold it, hold it, Mabel. You're not leaving.

I need you.

- Put this right here? - Right here.

That's the spot.

Now, Chico, I'm going to do something

that people have been doing for the last 4,000 years.

See, the arts and sciences thousands of years ago

are much more sophisticated than the arts today.

Hey, grab that tube over there and put it down here.

Now, let's talk about the Egyptians.

Thousands of years ago, the Egyptians built the pyramids

without the aid of machinery.

And today they're still standing.

- The Egyptians? - No, no, the pyramids.

Now, if every man, woman and child

in this country would read this book,

the doctors would never have to leave the golf course.

[Mabel] Ed.

Why did you ask me to stay?

Well, I'm going to do something

I've never done before. I'm going to try acupuncture.

Well, I'm leaving. I can't stand needles.

Come back here. You're not going to use needles.

We're going to use fingers, especially your fingers.

- My fingers? - Yes.

Chico, in this book, it says that there are

400 pressure points all over the body.

- Right. - And they're divided

by meridians, which are like

the highways that run through the body.

You see there? It says that right here in the book.

It means that if you press one por-- portion of your body,

you'll cure another portion.

See? Here, help me down.

Okay.

Careful now.

- [Ed grunting] - There we are.

- Comfortable? - Yeah, that's fine.

Alright, Mabel. Are you ready?

Now, you see this foot up in the air?

I want you to push my trousers down above the knee.

That's the idea. Now we're gonna put your hands--

put your hands under the knee and squeeze.

He's not sick. He's kinky.

Mabel, will you grab the knee?

Ed, believe me, it'll start with the knee,

and the next thing you know,

you'll be asking me out to dinner.

Come on.

Mabel, grab his knee. I'll chaperon you.

Go ahead, grab his knee,

Grab the knee. That's it. Now work on it.

Yeah? Is that right?

Oh, oh, oh, oh. That's good.

- It's beginning to tingle. - Tingle?

Yeah.

I better stop.

I mean, this may be bigger than both of us.

Come on.

Keep working on it.

And, Chico, take the slipper off and grab hold of the big toe

and work it from left to right.

Okay, I'll do it, but if the cops come in,

we're all going to jail.

Left, right, left, right. left, right.

[Chico] Feel anything?

Hold it, Hold it. It's not working.

It's not working. Chico, grab the book.

Turn the page 34. Tell me what it says there.

You have clogged meridians.

Clogged meridians?

Yup, help him up. We'll fix this.

Help me up.

[grunts]

- There we are. - Fix your leg.

What about the meridians?

"To unclog the meridians...

- Yes? - "...stand with your

feet slightly apart."

Slightly apart. Like this?

"Swivel your pelvis gently in a circular motion."

[humming slow tone]

[upbeat humming]

Wait a minute.

My meridians can't take that temple.

And neither can your public.

Keep it up, Ed.

It may not cure your shoulder,

but the country could use rain.

Hey, let's get rid of this guy

and start all over again.

I think we'll make some headway.

I have to leave now.

Neither rain nor sleet nor swaying meridians

shall keep me from my appointed rounds.

Hey, Mabel.

Mabel, How about dinner tonight?

I knew it! I knew it!

You want-- you want to fill it up?

Check the water, check the battery,

check the oil, check to see if there's any air in the tir--

- Oh. - What's the matter, sir?

Something wrong with your shoulder?

Yeah, well, it's pain, but it goes away now.

You mean your shoulder hurts?

Bother me for about two weeks now.

Really? I know just your problem.

You got clogged meridians.

- Who told you that? - Egyptians.

Yeah. I said I know what'll help it, here.

Just stand with your feet apart like this.

Yeah. Come on, put your feet apart.

That's it.

Now, revolve your pelvis slowly like this.

That's the idea. Just like that.

There we go. That's good.

You guys want to be alone?

Ah, shut up.

Now, how are you feeling? Any better?

Well, it's not doing my shoulder any good.

Sure makes it you feel friendly though, don't it?

Okay, I tell you what you do.

You lie down here on you're back,

and I'll grab you by the knee.

Not now. Don't you think I should wait

until I go back a couple of times?

Don't you want to get cured?

Ed, how do you know he's got the same thing you got?

- Where does yours hurt? - Oh, right over here.

Yeah, that's where my hurts. Right over here, too.

Is it a low, throbbing pain that doesn't go away?

It's with him all the time.

Right, right, right, all the time. Right here.

Can you tell what the weather's going to be like by your arm?

Oh, can I tell what the weather. Let me tell you something.

The U.S. Weather Bureau

would like to put my shoulder under contract.

Well, what happens when you do this?

Ah, I know it! It says MD on the front of his car.

It stands for Martin Dunlop, doesn't it?

No, it doesn't. It stands for medical doctor.

Out!

You are a very foolish man.

Not only do you need a doctor, but you need a psychiatrist.

You get out of here. Get out of my garage.

[engine starts]

You, come here.

Come on.

Now, repeat after me.

- Repeat after me. - No, no, no.

Not yet. Just say what I say.

- Say what I say. - Will you shut up?

- Now, I will... - I will...

- ...never, ever... - ...never, ever...

- ...bring a... - ...bring a...

- ...doctor into... - ...doctor into...

- ...this garage. - What garage?

- This garage again. - This garage again.

- I promise. - You promise?

- No, no, you promise? - I promise, no, no.

- You promise. - I promise, okay.

Hi there.

Oh, second base is empty.

- You broke your promise. - I didn't call him.

I didn't come here to see you, Mr. Brown.

I came to ask Chico if his team would play ours

next Saturday, huh?

Get out of my garage!

[screaming]

What's the matter, Ed?

My arm!

- Put it down! - I can't!

Doc, he can't put his hands down.

Yes, I know.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to give him an injection?

- Oh, no, you're not. - Want me to help you?

No, I can't stand the sight of needles.

Ed, do you want to go through life saying they went that away?

Yeah, but...

what's going to happen when he comes towards me.

Look, just close your eyes and turn your head.

No, no, I know it'll happen now.

As soon as you come towards me, I'll open my eyes.

Oh, I got an idea.

Don't give it to him yet.

I'm just going to lower your shirt.

[groaning]

Here, now you can't see.

Okay. Okay.

[screaming]

I haven't touched yet!

Oh, okay.

[groans]

Well, hurry up, Doc.

It's already done.

[screaming]

Now, lower your arm.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Ah, oh.

Chico, 1:00, Saturday.

We'll be there.

Hey, Doc, what was wrong with my shoulder?

You had bursitis.

Bursitis?

Oh, bursitis. That's nothing.

Nothing.

Then why did you keep dragging me to those different doctors?

You can move your arm, can't you?

Yeah. That reminds me.

I could use a shower all by myself on my own shoulder.

[speaking in Spanish]

Hey, Ed, you're home from the hospital a day early.

- What happened? - Well...

they didn't have any reason to keep me any longer.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, you want to see the results? It's right here.

Let's see here.

You've got a hallux valgus.

[Ed] Yeah.

What's that?

That's the little toe crosses over the next one.

There goes your ballet career.

You've got also a nasopharyngitis,

acute catarrhal, moderately severe.

- Yeah. - That's a bad cold, huh?

Yeah, I've had that for three days.

Congenial scoliosis.

No, not congenial, it's congenital.

Congenital scoliosis.

That's not very congenial, I'll tell you that.

Well, you look fine to me.

Yeah, but that's curvature of the spine, you know?

What, congenital scoliosis?

- Yeah, that's what it is. - How'd you get that?

Well, I used to sleep when I was a kid

on the floor of my father's car.

See, and the drive shaft came right up in the middle.

I don't know. You still look fine to me.

You look in great shape.

Yeah, I'm feeling fit and ready to go.

Want to go a couple of rounds?

Yeah, how about that?

Watch out, kid.

[chuckles]

[groaning]

[screams]

You threw out my shoulder.

Yeah. Okay, here.

Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah. Let me get into it.

That's it, there.

[screams]

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live before

a studio audience at NBC studios,

Burbank, California.

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪