Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, a-one, two, three and...

[guitar playing]

♪ Chico ♪

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico ♪

♪ If you try, now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will. ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

[horn honks]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

- [woman] Good morning. - Good morning.

Could you please take a look at my car?

Sure.

It's very nice. Anything else?

You see, I don't drive very well.

And I don't know anything about cars.

And it makes a strange noise whenever I start it.

What kind of a noise was it?

Oh, well, it's sort of a thumpity thump--

you know, a thumpity thump, thump, thump, thump.

Well, sounds to me like you either have a loose fan belt

or you've got a bongo player stashed in your trunk.

Huh? Oh, that's a joke.

That's very amusing, Mister, um...

Brown. Ed Brown.

How do you do? My name is Shirley Schrift.

You know something?

I've just moved in this neighborhood.

My condolences.

Oh, no. I like it here very much.

As a matter of fact, I just bought Mr. Stedman's Bakery.

You know, down the street?

We carry a complete line of baked goods.

You should see my beautiful buns.

All right. Let's take a look at the car.

Wait a minute. Uh, uh, uh...

Could I have an estimate first?

You know, things being the way they are,

I don't want to get overcharged.

Lady, look around this garage. Do we look like we overcharge?

No.

But listen, my late husband, Max, he taught me

that I should always get an itemized bill first.

Oh, very nice.

Hi, Ed.

Hi, Chico.

This is my number one mechanic, Chico Rodriguez.

Hello, Chico. I'm Mrs. Schrift.

I bought the bakery down the street.

The lady wants an itemized bill, so grab a pencil.

We carry a lovely line of French pastry.

You should see my glazed buns.

- I got the pencil, man. - Okay.

Uh, let's see. Item number one.

I walked to the front of the car.

Nine steps at two cents a step.

That's 18 cents.

- 18 cents? - You're lucky.

He usually takes smaller steps.

For lifting up the hood, 40 cents.

Wait a minute. Forty cents?

The hood opens from the inside.

- Here. - There we are.

Oh, look what's here. You little devil, you.

- Are you talking to me? - [Ed] No, lady.

I was just having a philosophical discussion

with your fuel pump.

Okay, Chico, take care of it.

Got it.

Now, when he gives you the items,

don't pay anything more than a buck.

- A buck? - Buck.

- You mean only $1? - That's right.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

- That's very kind of you. - You think I'm being kind?

Wait till you come in again. I'll rob you blind.

You know something?

That is a very interesting man.

But is he always this grouchy in the morning?

Yeah.

Well, only until he's had his first shot of...

coffee.

I know what you mean, Chico.

My late husband used to drink a little.

It's funny how he reminds me of Max.

I think it's the mustache.

You know, I think a mustache makes a man very handsome.

Why thank you, my dear. So kind of you to say so.

Or "cute," as the case may be.

But you know, I think Ed Brown's mustache

- makes him, um... très distingué.

What?

Très distingué.

Oh, but I suppose that his wife

tells him things like that all the time, huh?

Oh, no, Mr. Brown is a swinging single.

- What'd you say? - Mr. Brown's a widower.

A widower?

Oh, how sad.

Um...

I imagine it must be terribly lonely for him,

you know, living all by himself.

No. I'm usually here.

I live in that van.

What? You live in this little van?

You and Ed?

No. Ed's got the penthouse.

Penthouse? What penthouse?

That penthouse. This is a duplex garage, honey.

What, you mean that poor man has to run up and down

these steps all day long?

Don't worry. He's in great shape.

He's got the heart of a 20-year-old kid.

Really?

Tell me, what about the rest of him?

The rest of him? Candela.

Oh. Listen, how long will my fuel pump take?

A few minutes.

All right. I'll be right back.

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ People know the game you're playing ♪

Don't bother to call us. We'll call you.

Hey, man, you got a secret admirer.

You mean the lady with the glazed buns?

The same. Hey, she likes you, man.

She even told me your mustache was très distingué.

I don't want to hear about it.

Ed, what's the matter?

Is it so hard for you to believe that a middle-aged woman

might be attracted to you?

Why don't you go out with her?

See what you've been missing.

I don't want to find out what I've been missing.

I might start missing it.

Come on. I know the fire hasn't gone out yet.

What fire? All I got left is a pilot light.

Well, why don't you take Shirley out

and let her turn up your thermostat?

Listen, you don't understand.

I don't want to get involved with anybody.

Who says you got to get involved?

This is the first date, to find out if you want to have

a second date -- you know, love 'em and leave 'em.

- Yeah. - Give 'em a test drive.

- Test drive? - Yeah.

When you buy a used car, you gotta give it a r-r-road test.

A r-r-road test?

That's right, man.

You got to sample the merchandise.

Sample the merchandise?

In my day, we called that "damaging the goods."

You're a hopeless case, man. I'm going to the storeroom.

Ah...

Très distingué, huh?

Mm, distingué. Oh, yeah.

What are you looking at?

That adorable little mustache. [kiss kiss]

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ People know the part I'm playing ♪

Wait.

Ah. Let's see...

Chico.

Uh, uh...

Hello. Uh...

[shouts] Hello, Shirley!

Oh. Hello, Shirley.

- Hello, Ed. - Hi.

I brought you a little something from the bakery.

Yeah, that's the least I could do after you were so kind to me.

Why was I kind to her?

The mustache, remember.

This is my upside down cake.

I think, from now on,

I'm going to call it the Ed Brown Upside Down Cake.

It'll be famous all over the neighborhood, huh?

You know, you see, it's got a hard crust on the outside,

but inside it's all soft and sweet.

You sound delicious, Eddie, sweetie pie, baby.

- Here. - Oh. Well, uh...

I don't know that I ought to take, uh...

That's very nice. I really couldn't.

I was...

I think I'd better go in the showroom.

[Shirley] Oh.

I don't think he liked the cake.

Oh, are you kidding?

He's probably in there crying like a baby right now.

Oh, really? Oh, that dear, sweet man.

Listen, Chico, do you think that Ed would buy a ticket

to the Baker's Charity Ball this Saturday night?

All the proceeds go for liver research.

Oh, yeah. Ed'd go for that.

He's very close to his liver.

All right, then, I'll ask him, huh?

No, uh, Shirley, I'll tell you what, uh...

You want Ed to take you to that dance, right?

- Well, the thought has crossed my mind. - Mm-hmm.

Well, listen, I'll let you in on a little secret.

- Ed digs you. - He does?

He said, "What a woman."

- He did? - But, see, he's old-fashioned.

He has those old-fashioned male ideas,

like he has to make the first move.

So, you can't ask him to go, because if you ask him to go,

he won't go with you, 'cause he has those old fashioned ideas.

So if you ask him to go, forget it, you blow it,

he won't go with you.

So when you ask him to go,

you gotta make it sound like he asked you to go.

You see what I'm saying?

Well, not quite.

- I'll tell you again. - No, no, no.

Don't tell me, Chico.

By the time you explain it to me,

the dance could be over.

Let me try one more time.

No, I think I got the general idea.

Okay, here, let me handle it.

Where? Right here?

Ed? Uh, could I have a word with you?

Yeah. What is it?

What's happening?

- Tell him. - Uh...

Ed, I was wondering if you would care

to buy a ticket to a charity dance.

Well, uh, who's throwing this dance?

Well, it's the Bakers Annual Dance for liver research.

[Ed] Liver research.

I think your liver would be just right at home

at a dance like that.

You do, huh?

Y-You see, I'm on this committee, and...

Oh, I wish people would just send in their money,

a-and then not have to go to a dance.

The average man who buys the tickets wants something

for whatever he gets.

Yeah, but you're not the average man.

I wish people would just forget about it,

and send in their money.

You know, you strike me as the kind of a man

who would send in his money

- without asking for anything in return. - [Ed] Yeah.

Boy, oh boy, have you got the wrong number.

If Ed Brown ever gave to charity,

he'd definitely want to go to the dinner and the dance.

- Yeah, that's right. - He would?

- Yeah. - Oh, well,

I wish that I felt that way.

What do you mean?

Do you mean you're not going to the dance?

Oh, no. I just have to sell the tickets.

I don't have to go to that beautiful dance.

Well, what do you mean? You got nobody to take you?

Oh, no, uh, lots of...

Uh, that's not true, uh...

Any number of men, uh, would ask me.

Uh, I mean, they would take me.

Yeah... but, uh,

but nobody has asked you, huh?

[Shirley] Not exactly.

Well, that's a shame. I feel terrible about that.

You're such a ni-- it seems to me--

you see, if I wasn't busy--

You're not busy!

Oh, you're not! What a surprise!

Come on, man!

You're gonna be late for your date!

Swing it, hot lips! Let's go!

Come on! We'll have a drink before you go!

Hey, are you dressed?

[Ed] Yes, I'm dressed. I'm dressed.

[Chico] Whoo hoo!

There you go, Robbie Redford Jr.!

Boy, wait till Shirley sees you.

Are you in trouble.

Well, she's not gonna see me.

What do you mean, she's not gonna see you?

- You're all dressed up. - Yeah, but not for her.

I'm dressed for the movies.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Ed.

There's a woman coming here who expects to be taken to a dance.

You can't change your mind now.

What do you mean I can't change my mind?

Let me tell you something, Chico--

a couple of hundred years ago, on a cold winter night,

a middle-aged man wearing a cape,

a white wig, and holding a flag

was standing on the banks of the Delaware River,

waiting for the tide to come in.

And when the tide finally came in,

he and his soldiers jumped into a boat

and rowed through the wind and the snow

and the ice flowing across that river to the other side,

where they climbed out of that boat and up a hill,

and they saw the campfires of the enemy.

And then, at a signal from their leader,

they jumped up, and attacked.

And in short order,

they destroyed the entire enemy camp,

and they captured 400 Hessian soldiers.

And that's why I'm not taking Shirley to the dance.

Yeah, she'll understand that.

Good.

But, just in case it comes up in the conversation,

what in the world has George Washington

capturing 400 Hessians got to do

with you not taking Shirley to this dance?

Why do you think he crossed that river, to go to a cookout?

No! He crossed that river for our freedom,

so I would have the right to take

or not to take Shirley to the dance.

Ed, I don't think it's very American of you

to not take Shirley to the dance

and put the blame on George Washington--

especially when he's not here to defend himself.

Ah, if that's the way you feel about it,

let's drop the subject.

Drop the subject?

A woman spent all week looking through about 50 or 60 dresses

before she picked the right one.

Then, today, she went to the beauty parlor for three hours.

Then, after that, she went home and took a two-hour bubble bath.

Then, she got dressed, put on her makeup,

jumped in the car, came over here, so you can tell her,

"Shirley, I'm not taking you to the dance. Sorry."

Well, listen, I could accept that from Attila the Hun,

from Genghis the Khan, from Jimmy the Greek,

but not from my pal Eddie Brown.

Believe me, Chico, you can believe it.

Give me one reason that makes sense

why you won't take her to the dance.

All right, I'll give you a reason.

But you got to keep it a secret.

She's got thick thumbs.

- Thick thumbs? - Thick thumbs.

I like the George Washington story better.

That's the reason I never liked Elizabeth Taylor.

She has thick thumbs.

You know, you're probably the only guy in this world

that ever looked at Elizabeth Taylor's thumbs.

And not only that, Shirley smells of powdered sugar.

Well, she took a bubble bath. You won't smell it.

You'll never get rid of the smell of powdered sugar.

- Well, do me one favor. - What?

When you lie to her, do a better job than you did on me, alright?

I'll think about it.

[Shirley] Yoo-hoo!

Here I am!

[Chico] Whoo-whee!

I'm ready.

Ed, doesn't she look beautiful?

[stammers]

I say, "Ed, doesn't she look beautiful?"

[Ed stammering]

Maybe he doesn't think so.

No. No, no, no. Y-Y-You're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

You know, you look very nice in your blue suit.

Oh, well, you should see me in my gray suit.

It matches my mustache.

George Washington would sure be proud of you, wouldn't he?

Why would George Washington be proud of him?

George Washington is the name of my tailor.

The tailor without the thick thumbs.

Oh, wait a minute. I think I'm losing an eyelash.

Uh, where can I paste it on again?

- Try the men's room. - The men's room?

Oh, thank you.

I'll just be a minute.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

You see how she looks?

- How did she look? - She looks gorgeous.

- So? - So that's it.

- What's it? - I can't handle it.

You're not supposed to handle it.

You're supposed to dance with it.

I'll get you some wine. It'll relax you.

All right.

Listen, any woman who'd go out with me

should have her head examined.

I haven't been out on a date so long, I-I don't know what to do.

Hey, it's like riding a bicycle or swimming--

it never leaves you.

I have complete faith in you, man.

It's like, just because a watch hasn't been wound in 30 years,

don't mean that it don't keep the right time anymore...

long as the mainspring is not broken.

Yeah.

How do I know if my mainspring is broken?

Nobody's asked me the time lately.

Ed, man, you're just taking her to a dance.

Yeah, but why do I talk to her at a dance?

You know, during the dance, I might have something to say,

but between dances, what do I say to her?

You always got something to say.

You've never been at a loss for words with me.

Yeah, that's right.

To you I've got plenty to say.

But with her, you know, what do I say when she asks me

how many operas I've heard, how many books I've read,

how many ballets I've seen?

What do I say?

Tell her you were out of town at the time.

Ah, you're no help at--

Here, look at this. Look at that hand.

- Steady as a rock. - Yeah.

That shows you how nervous I am. It usually shakes.

Well, I'm all pasted together.

Oh, wine. How romantic.

- Yeah. - Here.

- This is for you. - Oh, that's very sweet.

You know, my Margaret used to do the same thing.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I used to do that for Max, too. - Aww...

That's a beautiful dress you have on.

You think so? Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

I must have tried on 50 or 60 dresses

before I picked this one out.

Oh. Yeah, and your hairdo is just as fantastic.

Yeah? Heh.

I sat in the beauty parlor for three hours.

And then the bubble bath for two.

You were peeking.

May I propose a toast?

There is an old Spanish saying that goes...

[speaks Spanish]

Aw, that's beautiful.

What does it mean?

Uh...

- What does it mean? - Bottoms up.

Oh, Ed, listen, the orchestra has promised to play

until 3:00 in the morning.

Oh, I'm glad you told me.

I'll bring along an extra pair of socks.

The great thing about being your age is,

no matter how late you stay out,

you don't have to worry about getting up for school

the next day.

You know, he's so right. [chuckles]

What's the rush?

This wine is delicious.

It's a Chablis, isn't it?

- Ah. - Mmm.

Yes. To think it was made only four blocks from here in a basement.

Oh, this brings back such memories.

You see, I lived in Chicago before I moved here.

Max and I, my late husband, we had a bakery.

I'll never forget the last time I saw him.

You know, it was snowing.

And I said, "Max, on your way home from work tonight,

could you bring me a couple of cucumbers?"

He said, "Of course, Shirley."

So when he came in that night, I said,

"Well, Max, where are the cucumbers?"

He said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot them."

But being the nice guy that he was, he said,

"Well, I'll just run over to the store and get them."

That was the last time I ever saw him alive.

- What happened? - Uh...

Well, you know, it was snowing heavier and heavier,

and the snow plows came out.

On his way home from the store,

he ran across the street, right into a snow plow.

The driver never even saw him.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

I went all over the street looking for him.

"Max! Max!" No Max.

They found him two days later in my neighbor's lawn.

He was a snowman.

He still had the cucumbers in his hands -- frozen.

Well, now that we know what happened to the cucumbers,

let's go to the dance.

- [Shirley] What's the rush? - Yeah.

- Well, you know, Ed hates to miss the first dance. - Yeah.

Yeah, but when I came in tonight,

I got the definite feeling that you never planned

to take me to that dance at all.

Well, you're absolutely right.

But when I saw how beautiful you looked, I changed my mind.

But after listening to you yack away for the last five minutes,

I'm not so sure.

Well, in that case, Chico,

just open another bottle of wine.

I can't stand a woman who drinks.

Margaret never had more than one glass of sherry before dinner.

Oh, Margaret this, Margaret that.

Can't you talk about anything but your precious Margaret?

Ed, wait! Don't you hit her.

And you're just as bad.

There's one good thing about this evening--

it's a short one.

- Good night. - Good night!

[Chico] Hold it! Freeze!

Stop right where you are.

Don't you see what's happening?

It's not Max or Margaret that's breaking you up.

It's a fear of getting emotionally involved.

Yes. Franklin Delano Roosevelt said,

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself."

That's why Jack and Jill went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water.

That's why, when the sparrow's in love,

he flies upside down.

That's why a squirrel gathers his nuts in May.

You know, I couldn't understand exactly what he said,

but I think he's right.

Yeah, neither do I, but I... You got something there.

Listen, Come on, Ed. Let's go to the dance.

I hate to miss the first dance.

Well, I'm afraid we've already missed the first dance.

All right. What do you say we have it here?

- You talked me into it. - [Shirley chuckles]

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

- [Shirley humming along] - ♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ People know the part I'm playing ♪

You didn't want to go to that dance, did you?

Yeah, tell you the truth, I really didn't.

But it wasn't on account of you. It's just that I was so nervous.

This is the first date I've ever had since Margaret passed away.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Come on, Ed, tell me all about her.

Oh, some other time.

[inhales] Mmm. You know, you smell beautiful.

What kind of perfume are you wearing?

- Powdered sugar. - Powdered...

[Ed continues singing indistinctly]

I've adjusted the carburetor, so it'll idle a little faster.

Keep your eye on the drive shaft.

[Shirley groans]

Ed, that's fascinating.

That's a whole world that I never knew existed.

- There we are. - Ah!

- Hello, Chico. - Hi, Shirley.

Listen, I got to get back to the bakery now.

What time are you going to pick me up?

Pick you up? You're supposed to pick me up.

Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry.

- I forgot. Here. - Son of a gun.

Listen, I cooked you a wonderful, delicious dinner,

but do you want to have it before we go to the movies

or after we come back?

I'll have to think about it.

I'll tell you about it later.

- So long, Chico. - Bye-bye.

Ed... [speaks French].

Too-da-loo.

How do you do it? You never cease to amaze me.

Where did you get this wonderful way with women?

Well, you see, Hank Aaron has his wrists,

Fred Astaire has his feet,

Muhammad Ali has his mouth, and I have my mustache.

- And don't you ever forget it, Big Daddy. - Yeah...

♪ Just a gigolo ♪

♪ Everywhere I go... ♪

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge♪

♪ His belly for something to eat♪

♪ But times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright♪