All language subtitles for Chico.and.the.Man.S01E15.The.Beard.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

[José] One, two, a-one,
two, three, and...

[theme music plays]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't
so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend
a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good
in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun
if you try ♪

♪ And I know
things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though it funny,
he don't understand you ♪

[Chico] Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Hey, Chico. Chico.

Sound like you got a belly ache.

Chico! Chico!

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Come on, hurry up.
You're going to be late.

Four more. Om mani padme hum.
Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.
Om mani padme hum.

All finished.
- Good. Now get going.

Meditation, if done
properly, clears your mind

and solves all your problems.

Good. When the landlord
comes for the rent,

I'll put the two of you in
the van and you can chant

the rent right out of his head.
Now get moving.

Why are you trying to get rid of me?

Don't you love me anymore?
- Of course I love you.

But if you miss your spiritual meeting,

your guru is going to be pretty mad.

Come on.
Where are you going?

I've got to change my pants.

What's the matter with the
pants you're wearing?

These pants are too
tight to meditate in.

[telephone rings]

[men singing indistinctly on tape]

Ed Brown's Garage.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Erickson.
How are you?

Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, sure.

Say, the boys certainly sound
good tonight, don't they?

Yes. And Harold's in
great voice, isn't he?

Yeah. You want me to
call him to the phone?

Oh, okay, then I'll tell
him when he's finished.

Would you like to leave a message? Huh?

No? All right.
I'll tell him when he's through.

Okay. Thank you very
much, Mrs. Erickson.

What was that all about?

If you'd have gotten out of here on time

like you do every Wednesday night,

you wouldn't have heard anything.

Well, I didn't.
So tell me.

Tell you what?

Ed, for your own good,
you better tell me.

You know what happens when
you try and keep a secret.

Who's got secrets?

You do.
When anyone has a secret,

you can always tell.
Like the elephant.

When he walks through the
jungle, he walks like this.

[imitates elephant]

Now, if you see that elephant 20
minutes later and he does this,

someone told him something.

I used to have a pet goldfish
who couldn't keep a secret.

He would just sit at the bottom
of the bowl and turn silver.

The worst was my cat Herman.
My cat Herman,

when he had a secret, he
would look like this.

Right away, I knew what the secret was.

The goldfish.

You know how you give yourself away?

Your left foot swells up.

That's why General Eisenhower
didn't tell you about D-Day,

because he knew if the
Germans captured you,

they'd take one look at your foot

and they'd have been waiting
for you on the beach.

Yeah? Well, if you'd
have been on the beach,

they'd have been waiting
for you with a net.

Ed, would you please tell me?

- No.
- Ed, don't make me beg.

Oh, all right. All right,
if you must know.

I never told this to anybody.

You're the first to learn it.

I'm a member of the CIA, and
this garage is a front.

Hey?

Harold Erickson is an enemy spy.

Mrs. Erickson is our contact,

and our password is "in the
good old summertime."

What you're telling me is
you don't want to tell me.

That's what I'm telling you.

Okay, so if you don't want
to tell me, don't tell me.

- Okay, I won't tell you.
- Ed, tell me, please.

All right. All right.
You see, about six weeks ago,

Harold Erickson came over
to play some pinochle.

- Mm-hmm.
- He played one hand, put the cards down,

and he said, "Ed," he said,
"I've got an ulcer.

I've got to see my doctor."

So he put on his coat and
he started to leave.

And then he said, "Wait
a minute, by the way,

if my wife calls, please don't tell her

I'm going to the doctor's
because she's very sensitive

and I don't want to worry her."

And he left.
About ten minutes later,

his wife called and I made some excuse

that he had to step out for a minute.

Now, you're not going to believe
this, but for the next five

Wednesdays in a row, he
got an ulcer attack.

But where does the
barbershop quartet come in?

Just keep chanting till
I'm ready to tell you.

[imitates elephant]

Ed, you're driving me crazy.

Yeah, well, Harold is
driving me crazy, too.

I said to him, "Harold,
what is it with you?

Every Wednesday, you come over,
you get an ulcer attack.

What's your problem?"
And so he leveled with me.

He said, "Ed, I don't have an ulcer."

And I said, "Harold, what do you have?"

And he said-- get this--
"Another woman."

No. [speaking Spanish]

Hi, Ed. Hi, Chico.

Oh, hey.

♪ Open up your mouth ♪

♪ 'Cause pizza's
what it's all about ♪

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

[men singing indistinctly]

Hello. Ed Brown's Garage.

Oh, hello. Mrs. Erickson.

Just fine, thank you.
Yeah, they do sound good.

Harold's in great voice tonight.

Want me to call him to the phone?

Could I give him a message?

Just fine. Okay.

I'll tell him you're going to bed.

Good night, Mrs. Erickson.

Ed, baby.

Hey, what about the
barbershop quartet, Ed?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

It seems that Harold told his wife

he was starting a barbershop quartet.

It's a better excuse than a
weekly pinochle game, see?

Well, his wife, being a
very sensitive woman,

wouldn't dream of
interrupting a rehearsal.

She would call twice a
night, and that was it.

Now Harold has got his girlfriend

and I've got his ulcer.

Ed, I know Mrs. Erickson.

Good. Next time she calls,
you can answer the phone.

Ed, you're helping a guy
cheat on his wife.

It's all right.
I'm being punished.

I'm getting terrible cards.

The card game's over.

Hi, Ed. How are you?

- Hi, Harold.
- Hiya, Harold.

So that's Harold, huh?

Yeah, that's Harold, all right.

I really don't understand it.
You know, during the war,

we were together in the army in Paris,

and he didn't fool around there.
He's changing.

- What's he doing upstairs?
- He's changing.

Ed, I thought I knew you, man.

How can you let a thing like this go on?

I'm not going to let it go on.

I'm going to give him the bad news.

When he comes down again,
I'm going to tell him

that I'm not covering
up for him anymore.

That's the Eddie Brown I know and love.

[Ed] Yeah.

Did my wife call?

Yeah, she called.
Doris called.

- Twice?
- Twice, twice.

What were we singing when she called?

♪ In the good
old summertime ♪

♪ In the good old
summertime ♪

♪ In the good old summer-- ♪
I better learn those lyrics

just in case she ever
asks me to sing it.

Well, I'll see you fellas later.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Harold.
Wait a minute.

I got some bad news for you.
The cover-up is over.

What?

It sure is, and I'm proud of you, Ed.

You told this kid?

I had to.
He dragged it out of me.

No, you can't stop covering up for me.

Harold, while you're out

gallivanting around town
with your girlfriend,

I'm stuck here in this
garage loaded with guilt.

Well, how do you think I feel?

Coming here every Wednesday
night, changing my clothes?

Then I got to drive across
town, got to buy flowers.

Then I got to pick up my
girl, put her in the car.

Then I got to take her
dining and dancing.

And she's a terrible dancer.

She leads.

Oh, boy.

- I don't believe it.
- Me neither.

It's true.
Ed knows I wouldn't lie.

What about your wife?

How about my wife?

You think you're loaded with guilt?

How do you think I feel?

Out dancing with some other
woman all night long

and then going home to Doris.

Let me tell you something, that's guilt.

And on top of that, twice last week,

I had to wake my wife up in
the middle of the night

to massage my feet.

[as Marlon Brando] I hate
to tell you this, Harold,

but tonight is your last tango.

Her death will be on your conscience.

- Whose death?
- Well, my girlfriend.

She lives on the 16th floor.

If I tell her I'm breaking up with her,

she's going to jump
right out the window.

[normal voice] Take her to
the basement and tell her.

Ed, you can't do this to me.
We were in the army together.

Yeah, you didn't fool around then.

But I'm married now.

- See you later.
- Ahem.

Hey, come on, fellas,

let's eat this pizza because I'm hungry.

Okay. Listen, you go on
to your chanting class.

No, I changed my mind.

You guys took all the fun
out of being spiritual.

[Ed] Oh.

Mr. Brown.

Oh, oh, Mrs. Erickson.

Well, hey, fellas, look who's here.

Mrs. Erickson.

Well, hello, hello, Mrs. Erickson.

[Louie] Hi, Mrs. Erickson.

Yeah, let me-- let me
tell you what happened.

Please, no excuses.
I just saw the bum leave.

Yeah, but-- but I can explain.

Well, if you can, you're a
bigger liar than Harold.

- Oh.
- Ahh, there it is.

♪ Time... ♪

♪ In the good old
summertime ♪

That's my Harold.
He never could carry a tune.

He's not bad.

No, he's got a great ear.

But not for music.
[mutters]

Look, Mr. Brown, I've been
coming in your garage

for many years now, and
I'm really surprised

that you'd do a thing like this to me.

But, Mrs. Erickson, Ed's
innocent. I swear to that.

Don't pay any attention to Louie.

He's prejudiced.

I'm guilty.

Harold conned you into it, didn't he?

Well...

Mr. Brown, five years ago,

Harold had a girlfriend that
he saw every Tuesday night,

so he told me that he was a
Tuesday night volunteer

at the old sailors home.

His job, he said, was to erase

the tattoos from the old sailors.

And two years ago, he
had another girlfriend

that he saw every Thursday night.

So he came home one night
and he said, "Doris,

do you realize that the giraffe
is an endangered species?"

Well, I'd done two big washes that day,

so the thought really
hadn't occurred to me.

Anyway, from then on,
every Thursday night,

he'd tell me that he was
going down to the zoo

to encourage the giraffes to mate.

This Harold is a genius.

Oh... [stammers]
Mrs. Erickson, I wouldn't--

I don't know what to say about Harold.

He wasn't always like this, you know.

Yeah, I know. During the
war, he was in Paris,

and he never fooled around.
- Never fooled around, yeah.

But he wasn't married at the time.

Well, I guess maybe
it's partly my fault.

I mean, maybe he--

he just doesn't find me
attractive anymore.

Mrs. Erickson, please don't say that.

You're a very attractive woman.

Oh, do you think so?

I was--

Oh, well, yes.

You see, I wouldn't blame myself.

Some men are not just domesticated.

But you were, weren't you?

- [Ed] Oh--
- That's true.

Ed never horsed around with a giraffe.

[Ed] Yeah.

Well, I'll bet you were
a wonderful husband.

I mean, you're really-- You're--

You're such a kind and sensitive man.

Oh. [stammers]

Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Erickson.

You don't call me Mrs. Erikson.

Call me Doris.

Oh.

Doris.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

What am I going to do about Doris?

What am I going to do about Doris?

What am I going to do about Doris?

[German accent] You know what
Sigmund Freud would tell you?

- What?
- Well, Herr Brown,

pull up a couch and tell
me all your problems.

And then you tell him.
And then he'd say,

"A-ha, what do you think
you're trying to kid?

This is Sigmund Freud here,
not some dumbo, you dumbo.

Maybe in your conscious mind you
don't want to get involved,

but in your subconscious, you
love every last minute of it,

you little rascal, you."

Now, listen, if Sigmund Freud
ever said that to me,

I'd kick him right in his libido.

Now, three minutes after
Doris shows up here,

I want you to tell her we've got
a date and we've gotta go.

[normal voice] Where do we got to go?

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

You want to go chanting with me?

All right.
I'll even go chanting with you.

I don't care, anything as
long as we get rid of her.

Oh, I'm really beginning
to hate that Harold.

Don't blame it on Harold.

You should have sent her
poems back to her.

Sent her poems back?

Chico, when somebody takes
the time and trouble

to write a poem for you,

a kind, sensitive person like
me can't be that cruel.

Well, then you shouldn't
have called to thank her.

Yeah, well, you got a point there.

That was a mistake.

It was like giving her one potato chip.

She kept calling back all the time.

Look at the bright side.

Ever since all this started,
business has picked up.

She came in for a tune up
three times this week.

Yeah, but twice she came
in without the car.

Hi, Ed. Hiya, Chico.

[speaks indistinctly]

What's he doing here again?

I-- Look, Chico, I had to
give him another week.

- Ed, are you crazy?
- No, I'm not crazy.

You see, he called me to tell me
that he had told his girlfriend

that they were all through and
she went right for the ledge.

- He's lying to you.
- No, no, he wasn't lying.

He was calling from the ledge.

Look at this.

- Did my wife call?
- Yes, twice.

Harold, tonight is the last night, man.

I hope so.
These stairs are killing me.

This has made Ed a nervous wreck.

Ed's a nervous wreck?

What about my girl out there
on the-- on the ledge?

I got the great solution for you.

Tonight when you break
the bad news to her,

put a parachute on her.

Ed.

- He said it for me.
- Ed, Ed, Ed,

listen, you've got to help me.
I got a problem.

I don't want to hear it.
Don't tell it to me.

No, I got to tell it to you.

- Ed.
- Yeah.

I suspect my wife has a lover.

- Oh.
- Ridiculous.

Yeah. Wh-Wh-Wh-- What
makes you think that?

Well, well, she had her hair
done three times this week.

She goes humming around the house.

She went to a gypsy to
have her fortune told.

And this morning, mind you,

I got a bill for six new
little panty girdles.

Obviously the lady is in love.

Yeah-- Not necessarily.

Ed, now, you know all about women.

How? How could Doris do this to me?

Harold, how, how could
you do this to Doris?

Yeah, he's got a good argument there.

Well, that's different.

She doesn't know I'm fooling around.

Harold, you got to do something
to save your marriage.

I will.
Ed, do you have a gun?

Well, I might have s--

Harold, you-- you wouldn't
kill a man, would you?

What are the odds of
my getting away with

a crime of passion?

A million to one against you, Harold.

- Yes, at least.
- All right, then.

I'll shoot him in the leg.

Oh! Oh, no, no.

Harold, let's talk this
over very calmly.

You're right.
You're-- You're right, Ed.

Maybe my suspicions are all wrong.

- Of course they are.
- Ed, I--

- Ah!
- Ah!

Well, I want you to do a favor for me.

Anything. Anything you say.

Ed, I want you to keep
your eye on Doris for me.

That shouldn't be too hard.

Tonight when you go home, you take Doris

in the living room and
sit down with her,

have a nice, calm, mature conversation.

That's exactly what I'll do.

I know exactly what I'm going to say.

I'm going to say "Doris,
I'll take the house,

the furniture, the car,

- and you can have the cat."
- You can't do that.

Why not? It's her cat.

Ed, you want to know something?

I'll always want to thank
you for your advice.

- Oh.
- I'll be home early.

I want to tell you something.

This excitement has just
ruined my dancing.

The dip has gone.

You're not going to believe this, Chico,

but Harold has some good qualities.

Name one.

Well, let me see.
He's reliable.

That's true. He shows up
here every Wednesday night.

Yeah. Chico,

I never thought the day would
come when a man of my age

would ask a kid of your age for advice.

What am I going to say to Doris?

The day has finally come
when a man of your age

asks a kid of my age for advice.
I'll tell you what to do.

You go over to Doris, right,
and you say, "Doris,

there's something I must tell you."

- Yeah.
- Then she'll say,

"Yes, Ed, what is it?"
And you'll reply,

"My dear, we are merely two
ships passing in the night."

And she'll say,

"Well, Ed dear, couldn't we
dock someplace for a while?"

And then you say, "That can never be,

for you belong to another."

And then she'll start crying

and ask you for a handkerchief.

- Yeah.
- Come on, give me a hankie.

Oh.

Then she'll dry her eyes and ask you

if she can keep the handkerchief
as a remembrance of you.

But you'll have to say "No,
it's the only one I've got."

Yeah.

Ah, let her keep the handkerchief.

No, you never give your
handkerchief to a married woman.

That's why Othello choked
Desdemona, over a handkerchief.

Really?
Is that how she died?

I always thought she fell
off a Ferris wheel.

I never -- What am I
listening to you for?

Go get me a drink. Geez.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Hi, Ed.

Oh! Oh! Oh, Doris, how--

I've been standing in the
corner for ten minutes

waiting for Harold to leave.

He must have had a lot to say.

Oh, he-- Yeah, he certainly did.

- Hola, Mrs. Erickson.
- Oh, hello, Chico.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, no, thank you.

[imitates elephant]

Doris, I've got something to say to you.

Oh, then my poems haven't been wasted.

Oh, Chico, would you--

would you leave us alone
just for a moment?

No, no, no. Chico, don't go.
Don't go. You see,

I've got so much to say to you
that I need him around to--

to remind me in case I forget something.

What have you got to say to me?

[stammers]

I forgot.

Harold's breaking up
with his girlfriend.

Oh, yes. Harold-- Harold is
breaking up with his girlfriend.

So?

So don't you have
anything to say to that?

Well, it just means he must
have found another one.

Oh, yes. Well--

No, it's different this time.
He's coming back home to her.

Yeah, it's different this time.

He's coming back home to her.
I mean, you.

I don't need him anymore, Ed.

Doris, I--

Harold thinks you have a lover.

Do I?

[stammers]

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Ed.
Don't be coy.

Yeah, don't be coy.

Shut up.

Now, listen, Doris,

we're two very grown up people.

Yes, I know. And I can see
the sparkle in your eye.

Oh, that's not a sparkle.
That's a liver condition.

Look, Ed, darling, I have
something I want to tell you.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

- What's he doing?
- He's trying to tell me

we're late for our meditation class.

It's been nice talking to you, Doris.

You'll have to forgive me.

I have to go get my chanting beads.

Oh, Ed, Ed, dear, please don't fight it.

No, he's got to go to class.
If he flunks out,

he'll have to go to summer
school in the Himalayas

with the Abominable Snowman.

Ed, let's not throw all this away.

I don't want to lose everything.

You won't.
I happen to know

you're going to wind up with the cat.

- What's he talking about?
- Oh, it's unimportant.

You see, Doris, I was trying to
give you some tea and sympathy,

but you're making a whole
meal out of this thing.

Ed, Chico, I took your advice.
I called my girl,

and we're all through.
We're all through. Yes.

Doris! What are you doing here?

You didn't have to break
up with your girlfriend

on my account, Harold.

And you. And you.
Who is he? Who is your lover?

I think I better go talk to Chico.

He must have told you.
Now, who is her lover?

I am. You're satisfied?

[laughs]

Don't be ridiculous.

Don't be-- Doris.

Doris, why are you torturing me so?

Why, Harold, in 25 years of marriage,

this is the first time I've ever
detected a note of jealousy.

Not true.
I've been jealous before.

- [Doris] When?
- When?

Look, Harold, I want
to ask you something.

Have I been a good wife to you, Doris?

You have been a wonderful wife.

Then why do you cheat on me?

Oh, this is going to be good.

Well, you see, Doris,
it's like a sickness.

It's like diabetes.
It runs in the family.

It skips every other gener--

and suddenly strikes in the night.

Look, but I never mean anything.

I always come back home to you.

Yeah, to get your feet rubbed.

Doris, why didn't you ever
say anything before?

Well, I was afraid if I did, you
might not come home at all.

Oh, sweetheart.

Come on. Let's go home.

- All right.
- All right, darling.

- Thanks, Ed.
- You're welcome.

Yeah. Come on.
And on the way--

on the way, we'll stop
by my girl's house.

I want to see if she jumped.

Om mani padme hum.

Oh, rub a dub dub.

Om mani padme hum.

Oh, three men in a tub.

Not rub a dub dub, three men in a tub.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

[Louie] I'm warning
you, Ed, one more card

- and I'm going to gin.
- Yeah.

Right.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Oh, Chico, cut that out, man.

We're playing for big stakes.

Yeah.

Gin.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

Om mani padme hum.

[Freddie] "Chico and the
Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

[José] ♪ Chico was born
in el barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time
in the street ♪

♪ His mind was crazy
for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly
for something to eat ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪