Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, a-one, two, three and...

[guitar playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

[mumbling]

Where have you been?

Where does it look like I've been?

I've been at the doughnut shop.

This is the special lifetime model.

- [Ed] That is? - Yeah.

You get a year or 40,000 cups of coffee,

and they give you a free replacement if you get

a blowout in your doughnut.

Do you want me to read that to you?

Well, what do you mean, read it to me?

This is a repair manual, not a bedtime story.

Look at the printing on this stuff here.

It's so tiny, you can't see anything.

It's ridiculous.

It's also in Japanese.

It is?

Wait a minute! The motor is Japanese.

The instructions are in English.

Yeah, but you see? You had to check.

You know why? Because you need glasses, man.

Who needs glasses? It's this lousy light here

that causes all the problem.

It's not the light, man.

You got enough light in here for a Hollywood premiere.

And you know what weakens the light?

It's that electric guitar of yours

that sucks all the power out of the lines.

Say, what have you got against glasses?

Nothing, as long as you can drink from them.

I don't need cheaters. I got the eyes of a hawk.

If a hawk had eyes like you,

his beak would be in a cast from flying into mountains.

[horn honks]

We got somebody.

Oh, I'm so glad I found you.

I didn't know I was lost.

I like to deal with the owner, so I know who to blame

if something goes wrong.

Now you fill up my gas tank, and you check the oil.

Check the oil.

And while you're at it, check the fan belt.

[Ed] Check the fan belt.

I bought it at the garage up the street,

and I want to make sure that they sold me a good one.

That all, lady? I also appraise jewelry.

How's the gas coming?

Loud and clear.

Good. What's taking you so long with the oil?

The dipstick's not over there. It's over here.

What's the matter?! Can't you see?

Boy, lady, you just said the secret word.

[gas pump dinging]

It doesn't need any. Put it back.

[Ed] Okay.

Don't you know where to put it?

Ed!

Put it back in the car.

It comes out to $3 even, lady, all filled up.

Tres dólares?

[conversing in Spanish]

Do you have a lady's room?

Yes, and if you run into a lady,

you can tell her it's over there.

You are a rude man.

Thank you very much. Here, $7. That's yours.

[speaking Spanish]

[conversing in Spanish]

- [Chico] Adiós. - [woman] Adiós.

[groaning]

What's the matter, Ed? You got a pain?

Not anymore. She just drove out.

We're running low on gas.

Okay, I'll call Saudi Arabia in the morning.

Hey, did you hear from Rudy?

Not yet.

Well, when he calls,

tell him I got two tickets to the hockey game.

[grumbling]

[horn honks, tires screech]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Watch out!

Hey, take it easy. Oh, my-- Oh! Whoa, whoa.

What happened?

What happened? Some accident.

A yo-yo driving a milk truck made a U-turn

and banged right into a pancake-mix truck

that was going so fast he couldn't stop.

Then they both skidded across the street

right into a fire hydrant.

And now all that water is pouring into the pancake mix

and the cottage cheese and the milk.

Boy, on a hot day like today,

we could be looking at the biggest cheese blintz

in history.

Uh-oh, here come the fuzz.

Don't tell him I saw anything. I don't want to get involved.

You didn't see anything. You may have heard something,

but you didn't see nothing because you can't see well.

Don't tell me that. I saw the whole thing.

Yeah, okay, Ed. Fine. Whatever you say.

It's closing time.

Closing time? We don't close till 6:00.

On holidays and cops-are-coming days,

we close early.

Anyway, you didn't see the accident.

[Ed] Don't say that! I saw the whole thing!

Now open that door.

Ed, why do you want to get yourself in trouble?

Because a good citizen should become involved.

Yeah, well, listen, man. Did you vote?

[Ed] Sure, I voted.

[Chico] You did your duty as a citizen.

I got to defend the Constitution.

Alright, if a truck hits the Constitution, I'll call you.

You really believe I didn't see it, huh?

You're telling me I didn't see what I saw?

Ed, remember the customer who came in yesterday

with the pet monkey?

You told him his son should have electrolysis done.

Well, they're raising a lot of funny kids these days.

Okay, how about the other day? The guy with the flat tire?

You couldn't read the pressure gauge,

and you put 78 pounds of air into this guy's tire.

He has the only white sidewall in town with a goiter.

That was a legitimate goof.

There's nothing wrong with my eyes.

You have a headache right now, don't you?

No, but you're giving me one

if you don't stop bugging me about my eyes.

What's wrong with glasses?

You could get wraparound sunglasses like Peter Fonda,

some Elton John glasses.

I got an idea. We'll mix and match.

Get half a binocular and a monocle.

Now I've really got a headache.

[Chico] Where are you going?

I'm going out to tell the cops what I saw.

Oh, man. Well, listen. Do me a favor.

Let somebody else be the witness.

Why? I've got a moral obligation to speak up!

That is superseded by EGBFP.

What's EGBFP?

That's the line on the eye chart you can't read.

And if you go and tell this cop anything, it'll stand for

Ed Gets Busted For Perjury.

I saw what I saw!

Ed, you once told me the three most beautiful words

in the English language are "Don't get involved."

Yeah, well, I just came up with two new words -- "Butt out."

[Ed] I got my principles.

I'm going to tell the cops everything.

That was a terrible thing to have happened

right in front of my -- Oh!

- [officer] Where is it? - [Ed] Where's what?

- The men's room. - It's right over there.

Officer, I saw the whole thing.

Will you tell me later? I'm in a hurry.

Yeah, but I got to tell you about the accident.

If you stop me now, there'll be another accident.

Officer, you're making a big mistake.

If you don't let go of my arm, I'm going to shoot you.

Ed, please, man. Please don't do this.

It's no crime to have bad eyesight,

but it is a crime to give false testimony.

Now, you're just going to get in trouble.

Nobody ever got in trouble telling the truth.

The truth is, you don't see very well.

How do you like that?

I want to commit murder, and there's a cop in there.

Back away.

Officer, I saw the whole thing. The milk truck made a U-turn

and banged right into the pancake truck

because it was going too fast, and he couldn't stop.

Ed, you can't be sure of that.

Listen -- I'll swear to it on a stack of motor manuals.

Ah! Well, officer, what do you think?

I couldn't hear a word you said.

Officer, I'm trying to tell you I saw the accident,

and I want to be a witness.

What's the catch?

No catch. I've got to do my duty as a citizen.

You're putting me on. Will you excuse me?

I've got an accident out there.

Officer, if you don't take my statement,

I'm going to call downtown and give them the whole thing.

You know, I think you mean it.

You know what a rare thing it is these days to find a citizen

that's willing to do his duty?

Well, thank you, Officer.

It's a joy and a pleasure to meet you.

I am Officer Kirby, and I want to hear what you saw

in your own words.

And start by giving me your legal name.

Okay. Let me tell you what happened.

Just one minute. As legal counsel for Mr. Brown,

if you try to ask him any questions

before he's been subpoenaed

or before legal charges have been made,

I shall sue you for invasion of privacy,

harassment, and contempt of garage.

- [Kirby] Mr. Brown? - [Ed] Yes.

Is your son studying to be a lawyer?

No, he's not my son. Years ago, I offended a magician.

He's my curse.

Please begin.

Okay. My name is Brown, Ed Brown.

That's spelled B-R-O-W-N.

Well, I was taking the garbage out in the alley,

and I looked out in the street, and I saw this terrible accident

because the guy driving the milk truck

made a U-turn right into the pancake truck,

which couldn't stop--

Yeah, but he can't be sure of that

because it was dark in here and sunny outside.

And he has a headache in his eyes, anyway.

Please don't try to influence the witness.

I saw it, Officer! I saw it.

See, the milk truck made a U-turn

and banged right into the pancake truck

when he was going too fast so he couldn't stop.

Hi, Ed.

Oh, hiya, Rudy.

I got two tickets for the hockey game.

Hi, Chico.

How are you doing, Rudy?

Yeah, that's it, Officer. That's the whole thing.

Now, you're absolutely sure

that the driver of the milk vehicle was at fault?

Oh, absolutely. And if he says anything different,

you can tell him he was full of baloney.

You just told him.

I did...

Rudy?

Rudy?

So, I'm full of baloney, huh?

But you drive a beer truck, don't you, not a milk truck?

Driving is driving.

On my day off, I moonlight. I need the extra cash.

You got a lot more to worry about than extra cash.

Why? Because Ed Brown says it was my fault?

You must be kidding.

Everybody knows he can't see.

What are you talking about?

My eyes are as good as the day they were born.

That shows how much you can see.

Everyone's born with their eyes closed.

- [Ed] Oh! - [Rudy] Yeah!

And if they are as good as you say they are,

how come you didn't see it was me

who was driving the milk wagon?

'Cause I wasn't looking for a driver.

I was watching the accident. That's why.

You didn't see what you said you saw because you can't see. See?

Now don't say I can't see because I can see--

You cannot see.

[both yelling]

Alright, hold it. Hold it!

The judge will decide who saw what,

but I think Mr. Brown's testimony will stick.

Ed?

What?

I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend.

How was I to know you had another job?

Look, Rudy, I don't want to get you in any trouble.

I don't want to get you in hot water, either.

But when we go to court and they find out you're blind as a bat,

they're going to throw the book at you.

I saw what I saw, and I'm not going to change a word.

There's nothing wrong with my eyes!

Aah!

Here, sign this.

[speaking Spanish]

Mr. Brown!

What do you want?

You shortchanged me, mister!

What are you talking about?

I gave you a $20 bill,

and you gave me change for a $10.

No, you gave me a $10.

I don't have a $20 in my whole roll here.

Here, take a look at that.

Hello, Andrew Jackson.

It's a $20, Ed.

[Ed] Oh, okay.

Well, give her her change.

I'm sorry.

Morning, Ed.

[Ed] Morning, Chico.

How are you feeling?

Oh, just terrible. I didn't sleep a wink.

I was pacing up and down my room all night long.

[Chico] Yeah, huh?

I know how you feel, Ed.

I was pacing up and down my room all night long, too.

How do you pace up and down the van?

You take real small steps.

Chico, I'm exhausted.

I must have walked 80 miles last night,

up and down, up and down.

At least you didn't have to fight traffic.

Yeah.

Chico...

I've been thinking about what you said yesterday.

So have I.

Yeah, you were right.

No, I was wrong.

No, Chico, when you get to be my age,

you can't play wide receiver for the Rams.

You can't hit that curveball anymore.

And when you find yourself whistling at fellows

with long hair, then you know your eyes are beginning to go.

Ed, you're not old.

You're just at the beginning of old.

No, no, no.

I'm telling you, I had that $20 bill right in my hand,

and I couldn't tell what it was.

Oh, well, that was just a little $20 mistake.

Look at the mistake the Russians made.

They gave us Alaska for $20 million, Eskimos and all.

If they just looked around, from the salmon alone,

they could have made double that kind of money.

You know something?

I know my eyes are going, but I think your mind is going.

Okay, maybe that's a bad example.

Try another one.

How about the Louisiana Purchase?

How about it?

The Louisiana Purchase, man.

[French accent] Everybody knows what great businessmen

the French are.

They gave us Louisiana, New Orleans, the Mardi Gras,

the Sugar Bowl.

The Sugar Bowl is much bigger than a $20 bill.

You're right.

It takes at least $20 to fill a sugar bowl.

Well, nice try.

[normal voice] Ed, I'm sorry. I was out of line yesterday

When you said you saw that accident,

I should have believed you.

Why would you believe me?

[Chico] 'Cause you're an honest man.

You're lying.

[Chico] Would I lie just to make you feel better?

- [Ed] Yes, you would. - [Chico] Don't you believe me?

Yes, I don't.

Ed, yesterday when you said

you were sure you saw what you saw,

I should have believed that you saw what you saw

because you told me you were sure you saw it,

and you said you saw it, and I didn't believe you.

But now I'm sure that what you said you saw, you saw, okay?

You know something, Chico?

I'm fighting the inevitable.

After I get glasses, the next thing is a hearing aid.

Then comes the dentures, then the cane.

And finally you wind up holding the whole thing

together with a good, strong truss.

Oh, look, look. Pablo Casals took a bride at 89.

Well, he had to have something to fiddle with.

Charlie Chaplin became a father at 80.

It only proves you don't need your eyes to become a father.

[horn honks]

Uh-oh.

Mr. Brown?

Yes?

I'm the kind of a woman who,

when she has something to say, says it.

Well, I'm not interested. Take your tongue somewhere else.

[speaking Spanish]

[conversing in Spanish]

I can't believe it.

She's lying. I never laid a hand on her.

[speaking Spanish]

What I'm trying to say is that I made a mistake.

It was not a $20 bill I gave you. It was a $10.

Oh.

Now who's wrong and who's right?

Muchisimas gracias.

[Chico] Thank you so much.

You don't know how much this means.

You're the best customer ever!

Thank you. You're the best customer.

Come back. Thank you! Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. Whoo-hoo!

Lady, thank you again.

Now who can see and who can't see?

I can't see.

Didn't this prove it to you?

No. It only proves she made a mistake.

I had it right in my hand.

I couldn't tell it was a $20 bill.

Well, everybody was making you nervous.

Yeah, that's right. Everybody was making me nervous.

Are you nervous now?

No.

Read this.

Read it?

"No-knock motor oil for friction-free

freeway driving, SAE-40, weight, 32 fluid ounces,

one quart."

Ha ha! I knew you could do it. You read it perfectly.

Yeah. That can hasn't changed in 20 years.

I know it by heart.

Hi, Ed.

Hi, Rudy.

Hi, Rudy. Would like some coffee?

Never mind.

- [Rudy] Ed? - [Ed] What?

You and I had a little difference of opinion yesterday.

Well, that was yesterday.

How was yesterday different from today?

Look, Rudy, you and I have been friends for a long time, right?

And that's what I'm worried about.

Are we still going to be friends?

Of course!

You know, Ed, what you said you saw yesterday,

it could cost me my new job.

Yeah, I realize that.

But I'm not worried about that.

I'm worried about our friendship.

Let me tell you something, Rudy.

You know, at our age, we can't play wide receiver for the Rams,

and we can't hit the curveball.

And let me ask you. Do you ever find yourself

whistling at fellas with long hair?

What are you trying to tell me?

I'm trying to say that the light was very bad yesterday,

and I'm not positive that I saw what I said I saw.

Gee, I'm glad to hear that. Come on.

- Let's have that cup of coffee. - Yeah.

- [Rudy] Ed. - [Ed] What?

You're not changing your mind

because you want to protect me, are you?

Of course not!

You know, I'm a little disappointed.

Why?

I was hoping you'd lie for me because I would lie for you.

[Ed] Yeah.

- [Kirby] Hi, there. - [Rudy] Oh.

- [Kirby] Sorry to bother you. - [Ed] Yes, Officer.

In order for me to complete my report,

I've got to do a diagram of exactly

where you were standing in relation to the accident.

Well, Officer, let me just say this.

I'm glad you're here because I want to change my testimony.

He got to you.

A man has a right to change his testimony.

Yes. And every man has his price.

Ah, wait a minute there. Who appointed you a judge?

Listen -- I've been on the force long enough to know

when a little finagling has been going on.

- [Ed] I resent that. - [Rudy] So do I.

You should.

Officer Kirby?

I know Mr. Brown. Now look at that face.

Sometimes his eyes are bad.

You know, yesterday he read a repair manual for 20 minutes

before he realized it was in Japanese?

I didn't know you read Japanese.

How'd they pay you off? With a couple of cases of beer?

You can't talk to my friend like that.

Mr. Brown, can I confer with you for a minute?

Why not?

Don't sign anything.

I can't sign anything. I don't have a pen.

Look, I just want to write up my report,

and I want to be sure I got your new statement.

Okay.

Now, according to this...

[Ed] Yes.

...you were standing right here looking out in that direction,

and the accident took place right at the pole.

No, no, that's wrong, Officer.

I was standing over here,

and I was looking out here at this corner,

where that man is standing with a newspaper under his arm.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me

you can see the newspaper under that man's arm?

Sure. Can't you? Hey, Chico? Come here.

[Chico] Yeah?

Look over there. What do you see on that corner?

What corner?

That corner!

Some guy.

Yeah, what's he got under his arm?

I think it's a newspaper.

It is a newspaper.

You bet your life it's a newspaper.

You can see all right.

Yeah. You're talking to a man who's going to play

wide receiver for the Rams,

a man who's going to be able to hit that curveball.

It's a miracle.

He can't see a $20 bill,

but he can see a newspaper one block away.

He's farsighted, and that's bad news for you

because he's going to testify against you.

Aren't you, Mr. Brown?

[Ed] What?

You're going to testify against him, aren't you?

Who, Rudy? Oh. Let's see...

[mumbling]

Well, I'm afraid so, Rudy.

Well, if you have to, you have to.

[Ed] Yeah.

Gentlemen, I'll see you in court.

Well, I guess I better be going, too.

Come, Rudy. What's your rush?

Let's have a drink.

Why? What is there to drink about?

Well, you wouldn't want to ruin a friendship

over a bent fender, would you?

I got something to tell you, Ed.

What's that?

When we go to court,

the attorney for the insurance company

is going to try to destroy your testimony

by proving that your eyesight is bad.

Well, for your sake, Rudy, I hope so.

Thank you.

Stick out your cup there.

It's a good thing the jury isn't here to see this.

Hey! Hi, Chico.

Hey, Ed. How did it go at the eye doctor?

Oh, beautiful. The doctor said with my eyes

I could get into West Point.

Where are your glasses, cadet?

I don't need glasses.

I tell you, the doctor said it was just nerves,

just like you said.

Here, let me show you. I'll read this for you.

"Begin the distributor disassembly by removing the cap.

If the cap is secured by a pair of clips,

insert the tip of a screwdriver behind each clip

and then twist until the clip is unsnapped."

How about that?

Go ahead, read it and see if I made any mistakes.

Come on!

Yeah, it's perfect. You did fine.

See? It's just what I told you.

Nerves sometimes cause a temporary loss of sight.

Let me be the first to congratulate you, Ed.

- [Ed] Thank you. - [Chico] I'm very happy for you.

Don't move.

Why not?

'Cause you might step on my eyeball.

Son of a gun. You bought contact lenses, huh?

Shut up!

Get down on your knees and help me find it.

Come here, contact lens, honey.

[Chico] Don't let me squish you!

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪